Rehab with Bright Colors

"Females....."

Hex couldn't get over the simple fact that his life now included female problems in abundance. From his lovable Scratchy to the crazed Lumia it seemed like there was a constant progression of problems with the core of each being a woman of some sort. He was honestly missing the days when the only thing he had to worry about was being mauled to death by the zerg, now he had to deal with a sister in law that he couldn't begin to figure out.

It also didn't help having a female dwelling inside of his melon either. There was something so many kinds of wrong with being connected to a feminine mind and the idea of having possibly hundreds doing the same thing, even if they weren't talking to him through the link he imagined it feeling like throwing himself off a cliff into a sea of estrogen hell. His cursing and dark mutterings had most ponies clearing the way for him, and after a quick look around he realized that his musings had taken him into the heart of Canterlot.

A flash of hope brightened his mood as he checked his pockets to find the bits stuffed in them from earlier that morning. He had almost forgotten about the money, and now that he was away from the festering pile of waste that was the castle there was a chance to salvage the day. A chance that was promptly crushed from existence as he felt the familiar touch of magic glue his feet together and send him face first into the street.

He just laid there breathing hard, rage bubbling in his guts and turning his face beet red before finally looking up. Feeling the dribble of blood flowing down from his forehead only to see a white, coyly smiling mare daintily sipping from a tea cup. Beside her was a grey mare looking at him and smiling the same way a serial killer might look at their next victim.

"My goodness dear! You should really watch where you're going! Otherwise you'll miss those pesky curbs. I don't believe you've met my friend Octavia."

The anger he felt started to drain away with what remained of his vitality. He didn't even have it in him to be pissed off at the two, considering he knew exactly why they were angry to begin with. Taking a seat in an empty chair across from them, he looked at Rarity's devious smile and Octavia's psychotic smirk before his head thumped into the table with a soft splatter. Blood was still merrily pouring out of his skull, and he thought it looked a bit neat watching it slowly trail down to the table edge.

"So I'm an ass who vanishes after being pronounced dead. There were issues I had to address after putting myself back together again and we both know Celestia would have prevented me from going if she had a say in the matter. You're pissed about Vinyl getting hurt, Octy here is probably more so because she is her roommate and something of a love interest with Scratchy, and everything female within a few hundred miles is pissed off in some manner. Did I miss anything?"

"Quite noble of you dear for acknowledging your mistakes. I've heard Vinyl and Twilight had a bit of fun and revenge at your expense but there's still the matter of Octavia having her issues to settle with you. Also, there is the tiny little business of all the cloths you and that other male human have been running through."

"I'm pretty sure the castle has been paying you anything asked for those clothes....."

"That doesn't cover what I think you owe me dear."

"I thought you were the element of generosity."

"Oh my! I'm so glad you remember that dear! But that doesn't excuse you trampling over a poor girls feelings after almost getting yourself killed."

There was logic and then there was woman logic. No matter how he could argue his own actions and points it would be circled right back around to slap him in the face.

"If this beast wants my forgiveness I'm not going to ask much. I just want to see him gelded."

"That doesn't sound too bad, what is gelding Rarity."

"That is inappropriate Octavia, and gelding is where a stallion has his ability to reproduce removed."

At that moment he recognized a particular voice humming and heard the sound of splashing and shattering glassware. Vinyl was shaking his shoulders and yelling at his already pounding head.

"DUDE WHAT THE BUCK! WHY ARE YOU BLEEDING EVERYWHERE?!"

Looking up at her and seeing her face contort in horror his reply was monotone and filled with fatigue.

"I tripped and fell. Luckily my face broke the fall and it's just a little wound Scratchy. Head wounds always bleed excessively."

Her next response came in a calm level tone and accompanied by her hooves tightening around his shoulders.

"I'm going to put you into a box unless I'm actively watching you."

"Can we stuff the box full of venomous scorpions?"

"Now now girls... Why would we stuff the box when I'm sure we could stuff him. They struggle for a while but eventually they like it."

His head hit the table once more as he took hold of the machine and decided that maybe he shouldn't be treating them so softly if they were actively planning something that horrid. Shaping it carefully he wondered if he could communicate with them through a link of sorts. The stick he used to poke Vinyl would only make the situation worse, and since he didn't want them traumatized he decided to connect their minds with a string.

It took a few minuets to envision the smallest strand of string he could think of, just the tiniest line of spider web that was strong enough not to break but light enough for them to experience without mentally fucking them.

"Ladies, I think we might have broken the poor dear. It won't save him, but maybe we should lay off for a bit. He seems terribly stressed."

Too little too late, he cast the strings out and coiled them around their minds, all three went rigid the moment their consciousness came in contact with the deathly cold machine inside of his head. The reason behind his disappearance came in the form of him stuffing the images into their cramped skulls without the slightest hesitation. Flashes of the zerg attacking him and his men in the night, pitting the green ponies against those monstrosities to see if they would kill or be killed, and all the while watching over them carefully to keep them alive as long as possible.

An explanation followed for the zerg, what they were, and what his function was as a soldier against the swarm. He didn't allow them to think, or come up with excuses, or whine. There was only the conveying of memories and the cold suppression of emotion from the machine, hollowing them out until they took the knowledge and understood it without doubt.

"This is my job, this is what will kill me, and this is why sometimes I have to do things that may hurt your delicate feelings. I'm not your damn doormat, and I will violate every part of your being if I hear another word about torture."

Looking up slowly at the mares across from him he could see distress in Vinyl's expression, excitement from Rarity, and terror from Octavia. Feeling at least a little vindicated even if it meant dealing with more bullshit later he calmly picked himself up and walked away, looking for the first place that served booze. Turning a few corners and covering a couple of blocks a voice from his side drew his attention.

"What the hell happened to you Flank Shot?"

Off to his side a bouncer was staring at him with some concern, and while he couldn't remember the stallion by name he recognized him from somewhere.

"I need to find a drink."

"I think you need several. Come on in boss, we'll fix you up right."

The inside of the large building brought a smile to his face. It was the same bar Vinyl had taken him their first night out, only this time it was three time larger with a lot more space and bar top. Before he could order a drink one of the bartenders placed a large mug in front of him and a mare trotted up with what looked like a medical kit. After his face was cleaned and his head bandaged the bartender was looking at him with a familiar twinkle in his eye.

The problem with Hex drinking was the more alcohol he went through, the less he cared about any sort of inhibition he may have had to start with. Add a bad mood and within the hour he was on the dance floor making an ass of himself with a mare that had a particularly nice smile. The next thing he knew there was that same mare lying down on her back with various shots balanced over her body, lime wedges and salt separating each one.

Six shots and a lot of licking later brought him to the central cat walk to enjoy the amateur talent strip off, but a lot of ponies thought since he was wearing cloths he was there to strip as well so with a bit of prodding and coaxing he climbed onto the walkway with some help and made his way slowly to the pole. His belt went spinning away into the crowd, followed by his shirt swinging over his head and much more cheering. Slipping out of his boots and letting his pants slid down he gave a sultry smile and spun around pole once.

Standing in front of a crowd of cheering party animals he looked down to see the gawking faces of Octavia, Vinyl, and Rarity. Looking slowly across the crowd he held his hands up and quieted the mass of ponies down.

"THESE ARE MY MARE FRIENDS, AND THEY'VE BEEN VERY MEAN TO ME. BUT IT IS AS A WISE MAN ONCE SAID!"

Grabbing the sides of his boxers he smiled down at the girls.

"IF YOU'VE GOT A PROBLEM WITH YOUR CHICK GIVE HER THE HELICOPTER DICK!"

Shoving his boxers down he did just that. Proudly swinging his junk in a continuous circle a cheer went up with some ponies falling over from laughing. The laughter rose to deafening levels as Vinyl shot out of the crowed and tackled him to the ground. A magical pull brought his boxers up once more and after floating what was left of his cloths on stage with him in the air Vinyl shoved her way through the crowed with Rarity and Octavia in tow. Waving bye to the party ponies he yelled one last time.

"WHAT HAPPENS IN FOUR SEASONS STAYS IN THE BAR! BYE BYE PONY FRIENDS!"

There was a mare standing on her hind hooves with her front legs pushed through his lost pants, waving furiously and laughing so hard she almost fell over without help from those around her. Even if he was being carted away by Vinyl he noticed that it was nighttime when they got outside, so at the very least he partied somewhat into the night.