Two Background Ponies At A Donut Shop
"TWO BACKGROUND PONIES AT A DONUT SHOP"
Following the coronation ceremony in Canterlot and the first speech of the newly crowned Princess Twilight Sparkle, there was much rejoicing throughout the entire city. After all, most of Equestria had been invited to attend to celebrate the new addition to the royal line of the land. And after it was done, and all of the ponies had celebrated, some went home while others lingered on in the city to conduct other celebrations, private gatherings, merrymaking, and other such pursuits to make the most of the holiday. As such...almost all of the restaurants and eateries had a number of ponies inside them...including the donut shops.
One particular shop was rather busy. Seeing as it was supposedly one where both Princess Twilight and Princess Celestia had once attended, it had some popularity to it. At the moment, a blue-colored stallion was seated up at the diner counter, helping himself to the first of a dozen assorted donuts and a coffee. He kept the seat nearest to him open and tried not to look too much at the other patrons except to give a smile and a nod.
At length...a green-colored stallion walked up and sat down next to him. "Hey, Sam. Sorry I'm late. Took me forever to find this place."
The blue one, Sam, let out a sigh as he looked to him. "Carl, I told you...the one closest to the palace."
"Dude, there's, like, 20 palaces in this damn town. Besides, I figured the closest one would be packed. And sure enough, it is."
"I got this spot a while ago. Anyway...here." He pushed the donuts over. "I got us a dozen and a coffee."
"How is the coffee?"
"Pretty good."
"Awesome." He began to reach for one.
"Oh, not that one."
"...Why not? I like cream filled."
"That's custard."
"Oh...thanks. Good call."
Carl looked around a bit, trying to find a cream-filled one in the bunch. Sam, on his part, ate a few more bites of his donut, and then looked to him. "Great service, though, wasn't it?"
"If you mean it was short, then yeah. It was great." The green one answered. He paused. "...Seemed a bit rushed, though. Like it could have been twice as long but they were in a hurry to get everything done in half the time."
Sam nodded. "Yeah. I thought I was the only one who thought that." He snickered and shook his head. "Who would have thought, though? Some kid from our town ends up being a new goddess..."
Carl froze in the middle of searching. He let his hooves fall and looked up to Sam with a narrow stare.
"...You're kidding me, right?"
Sam paused and looked up to him in confusion.
"Sam...how many times did she save the city within the past three years?"
The blue stallion paused for a moment, looking up and thinking, and then began to count.
"...Four." He said after a moment.
"...That was rhetorical, Sam."
"Anyway..." The blue stallion reached down to his side, and soon pulled up a small book and proceeded to sit it in front of his friend. "Make sure you read that. You left before they had a chance to put them out."
Carl gave Sam a look, and then reached out and picked the book up. After a moment, he raised an eyebrow.
"...The Equestrian Bible?"
Sam sipped his coffee. Carl, on his part, cracked it open. After looking at the first page, he quirked a brow.
"What the...? It reads: 'There were only two alicorns in existence'...then somepony put in a caret that says 'Except for the third one that rules the Crystal Kingdom'...and then another line reading 'and the one from Ponyville'."
He groaned.
"That's just sloppiness on their part."
"You have any idea how long it takes to print a new edition of a 1,000 page book when you have to work the press by hoof?" Sam answered as he lowered his coffee.
"...Good point."
Carl began to flip through more of the pages. "Ok...there...that...this..." He continued to flip through for a moment, and then exhaled. "Alright...apparently today and September 17th are now holy days of obligation. The new goddess' titles include Princess Twilight Sparkle of the Written Word, Grand Mother of Higher Learning, Our Lady of the All Nighter, Queen of the Second through Fourth Steps of the Scientific Method, Patron Saint of Integral and Differential Calculus, and Her Blessed Linux Programmer. The month of June will be forever known as the Feast of Reading Lists in which everyone in Equestria has to read something from her preapproved list of books... You have to make progress reports every week but if you get done early you get a sticker for a free personal pan pizza... Oh...and it seems if you keep a book overdue it's a venial sin..."
His eyes widened a bit here.
"...But if you write a dirty word in a library book or rental text, she'll personally send you to the sixth ring of Hell?! Dude! I did that back in high school!"
"Relax." Sam answered calmly. "It's not an ex post facto law."
Carl groaned as he shut the book. "Damnit...I hate it when they throw these new goddesses at us out of the blue. That last one only made us spend a day at the park once a week and learn a nursery rhyme...although she changed it when it turned out it was the only way anyone would recognize her... Ugh, I need a donut..." He reached for one, but, again, not finding cream filled, sighed and rolled his eyes as he looked for one, moving the others aside. "Maybe she'll accept credit if we've already read-"
Suddenly, Carl cut himself off as he picked up a donut. He stared for a moment. He suddenly let it fall, then picked it up again. He held for a moment longer, staring...then let it fall and picked it up again. Sam indifferently kept eating. Carl next looked to his coffee cup. He soon picked that up too, and then sat it back down. He did that a few more times as well as the donut. Finally, he looked to Sam.
"Sam?"
Finishing his latest donut, the blue stallion sighed, knowing what was coming. "...What now, Carl?"
"...How are we doing this?"
Sam looked to him. "Doing what?"
Carl picked up his coffee cup, then put it down again. He picked it up again, then put it down again. Sam just stared.
"...What's the matter?"
"Sam...I'm picking this up."
"...So?"
Carl stared for a moment, then held his hoof in front of Sam.
"...How many fingers am I holding up, Sam?"
The blue stallion blinked for a moment, and looked puzzled. "...None. You don't have fingers."
"Neither do you. Neither does anypony else."
"...Yeah, so?"
Carl's eyes widened a bit...as he picked the coffee cup up and down again.
"Sam...how are we doing this?!"
Sam blinked a few times, realizing what he meant. He looked to the cup, then to Carl, then back again. Finally, he pointed a hoof.
"Magnets."
Carl blinked. "...Huh?"
"You got horseshoes, right? Those are metal. They put metal shavings or something into the earthenware to make that coffee cup and its attracting them. Simple."
Carl stared at Sam blankly. Soon after, he picked up the donut again.
"...Did they bake metal shavings into the donuts, Sam?"
Sam paused in response to that. Finally, he pointed again.
"Sticky."
Carl furrowed his brow again.
"Your hoof is sticky. You know...lots of sweat, dirt, all that...probably grooved from running around. Picks up anything."
Carl continued to stare blankly.
"...Remember that orchestra, Sam? The one playing for the coronation?"
Sam paused. "...Yeah."
"Remember the one playing the cello?"
"...Yeah."
"How was she holding the strings with a hoof, Sam? She should have just made the same note."
"I don't know...maybe she used a prosthesis. You know...like those collars you wear to put a harmonica to your mouth?"
Carl gave Sam a long look at that. Finally, he sighed.
"You know what? It's not even worth it. I've got enough stress in my life as it is... You know what I got in the mail the other day? Some note from the doctor's office. Apparently on my last exam they noted I had a rare genetic phenowhatsit or whatever...so they said it's really important I get married and have some kids."
Sam quirked an eyebrow. "You're kidding... I got one of the same things."
Abruptly, a stallion at a table in earshot turned and looked to them. "Yeah, same here."
The donut shop runner came by to top off Sam's coffee. "Me too." He said as he passed.
Carl frowned at all of this. "Dude...that's just creepy. I could do without crap like that. My mom and dad got word of it and now they're trying to introduce me to anypony who looks remotely available. Hell...they even tried to get me to go on a blind date with a donkey one day! Sheesh, dude...I don't want to raise a mule!"
"Yeah, Carl...I know the feeling." Sam said with a sigh. "I was over at the drug store the other day. I didn't do anything more than just walk by the birth control stuff...and suddenly this mare with a clipboard gets in my face and starts hitting me with those same damn statistics I hear every single time I even hint at going on a date."
"I know the ones." Carl groaned, as he reared back and began to do an impersonation. "'Sir, are you aware that there is only one stallion birth for every fifteen mares? Have you ever considered planning your family? What, you're single? How about becoming a sperm donor?'" He frowned and looked to Sam. "I mean, for the love of Celestia...this sounds like a pretty big problem, don't you think? I mean, if this keeps up, they're going to have to start legalizing polygamy..."
"It's already legal."
Carl paused, then suddenly snapped to Sam. "...Are you serious?"
Sam gave a nod. "Yeah. Down in Appleloosa. It was either that or start using mail-order husbands like back in the 1800s."
The green stallion sighed. "They can have it. I'm never getting married at this rate. My last blind date wouldn't stop nitpicking. First she says my coat isn't brushed enough. Then she says my teeth are too long and I don't chew enough grist. And then she starts going on and on and on about how beautiful her gray coat is and how much she treats it and brushes it...and I say, 'You know, in Trottingham, isn't a gray-colored pony considered an omen of death?'"
He frowned.
"...The bitch dumped her soup in my crotch and then stormed out and let me pay for it. But that's still better than the one before. The date's going great...we've got plenty in common...except I think she looks a little on the young side. So as I'm going to the bathroom, I spill some water on her Cutie Mark." His eyes widened. "Damn thing washed right off! It was put on with finger paint! I could have gone to bed with an underaged mare! They would have clipped me for that!"
Sam grimaced. "...That's a bit too much information, Carl."
His friend sighed in response as he continued to look through the donuts for a cream-filled one. "You got to wonder why it happens that way though. I mean...it can't be natural, right? Maybe we have a lot of estrogenic compounds in our drinking water or something..."
"From what?"
Carl shrugged. "I dunno. Maybe the Rainbow Factory byproducts. I'm sure they put out all sorts of crap..."
Abruptly, a surly, drunken voice spoke up from nearby. "What'd you jus' say?!"
Carl and Sam both looked up and down the bench...and found a pegasus, looking rather drunk from excessive sugar consumption, in an askew white laboratory coat and a helmet, holding a jelly donut in one hand with a pink paycheck in his breast pocket, glaring at them.
"What the Hell d'you sons-of-bitches jus' say?!"
Sam put his hands up defensively.
"Easy there, buddy. He just let it slip..."
Carl was defiant, however, giving a shrug. "I'm just saying all of those byproducts they put out have to-"
"You shut the f*** up right now, you lil' bastard." The pegasus cut off as he wavered on the stool. "Yer jus' like all the others... Think the f***ing Rainbow Factory is like f***ing Willy Wonka's...and then you talk out of the other side of yer mouth sayin' how we're killin' Equestria when YOU GUYS are the sons-of-bitches who want f***ing rainbows everywhere... I bet you're just like those stupid motherf***ers who think we suck the f***ing color out of ponies to make the damn things..."
Both Carl and Sam paused. They looked to each other, and then back. "Well..."
"You dumbf***s have NO IDEA how hard it is to make a Celesita-damn rainbow..." The pegasus rambled on, looking out to the whole shop and growing more angry and beligerant. "None of you do! None of you have a f***ing dual major in chemistry and art design... None of you ever had to redo this f***ing hue 20 times 'cause it wasn't quite indigo... I mean...who the f*** ever paints anything in indigo, anyway?! Nopony, that's who! But yer f***ing rainbows...oh they GOT to have indigo in them! And my wagon insurance is through the f***ing roof because I park it right next to the f***ing smokestack and every three months it looks like f***ing Dr. Teeth and the Celestia-damn Electric Mayhem did my paint job! You know my risk of cancer is six times more likely 'cause of all the sh't I sniff every day?! And I gotta stop every fifteen f***ing minutes 'cause sons-of-bitches like you have to call in and give me the whole EPA schpeel...but you still want yer Celestia-damn rainbows on time! It's because of motherf***ers like you two-faced sons-of-bitches that I got laid off! How the f*** am I supposed to pay for my foal's orthopedic horseshoes now...?"
At this point, a muscular looking Clydesdale had come up and began to escort the pegasus out. Everyone just stared blankly. As for the manager to the donut shop, he walked out and glared at the runner. He turned to him...and soon grimaced under the manager's gaze.
"...Why didn't you cut him off an hour ago?"
The runner swallowed and shrugged.
"You ever do that again, you're fired." The manager retorted. He pointed to the stand. "Fill up that damn coffee already. They've been waiting ten minutes."
He turned and walked off while the runner swallowed and got back to work. Carl and Sam were a bit unnerved, but then slowly went back to their food like everyone else.
"...Wow."
"You need to watch what you say, Carl. I thought that guy was going to punch you."
The green stallion looked out to the exit. "You know...I really feel bad for the guy. I think he just got laid off. I can relate to that. I mean...you saw his Cutie Mark, right?"
Sam nodded. "Yeah. A couple of rainbow-colored test tubes."
"Yeah, so, obviously, his specialty is in mixing rainbows. What's he supposed to do now if he got laid off from the Rainbow Factory? It's not like there's more than one of those damn things."
"...Maybe he could make Skittles."
Carl paused and thought about that.
"...True, but still, man...what do you do in life when you're stuck with a Cutie Mark that's not that great?"
Sam looked to him in confusion. "What do you mean?"
The pony leaned back and sighed. "Carl, you know my deal is finding inconsistencies in things. My Cutie Mark's a Find-the-Difference picture, after all. So what did I end up being? A quality control operator at the local horseshoe plant. I earn ten bits an hour. That's barely above minimum wage. But...that's what I'm stuck with. I tried being an accountant since I figured I could pick up errors and details in the legal system, but no...they want ponies who have Cutie Marks of calculators and adding machines. I tried being a quantative test grader. They wanted ponies with Cutie Marks of highlighters and spellcheckers."
"I thought you said you were going to apply for that quality control supervisor position?"
"I did. Aced the aptitude tests. Did great on my interview. Finally, it came down to me and one other candidate." He frowned sourly. "...Bastard had a Sudoku puzzle for his Cutie Mark. You can guess how that went."
Sam grimaced. "Sorry about that, dude. But I stil envy you. You've got a steady job. My Cutie Mark is a human ear. I mean...what the heck is a 'human' anyway? No one even knows what that is! That's why I got stuck as an operator."
Carl was shaking his head, looking off into space at this point. "Sheesh...some Cutie Marks. That one girl in town has a lyre for hers. That's why she's still living with her parents. Nobody's played a lyre professionally in 700 years."
"I pity the poor bastard at my office who has an IQ of 135 but his Cutie Mark is a push broom, so he's stuck being janitor..."
"And that crazy cat lady whose Cutie Mark is literally a screw loose? What the Hell, man? So she's destined to be a raving lunatic her whole life? Damn, I'd hate to be her and try and get health insurance..."
"Phew...all these kids in school...all they ever talk about is what they're gonna do when they get their Cutie Marks..."
"Yeah, I know it. The other day...here I am...looking at all of those damn horseshoes going by and trying not to zone out, and all of the sudden three three kids walk in with little goggles and little coats just like I have and say they want to see if they can get their Cutie Marks for qualty control."
He frowned.
"I looked at them for one second, and then I turned off the machine and stared at them straight in the eye, and said, 'You want to get your Cutie Mark in quality control? You want to work some dead end job as some f***ing cog in an assembly line for eight hours a day for some sh'tty-ass paycheck that you'll blow on used wagon payments and rental of some roach motel apartment, eat ramen seven meals a week, and, if you're lucky, a movie once in a while? For Celestia's sake, you idiots...go find something you like to do like rock music or skateboarding or anything and do it 24/7 until your ass decides to cough up a Cutie Mark for it...and get the f*** out of here before you get a Cutie Mark in pouring steel into frames!'"
Sam stared at him and blinked.
"...That was just a tiny bit harsh, don't you think?"
"Are you kidding? I wish my old man had told me to just drink fermented cider until I got a Cutie Mark in that."
The blue stallion paused, but then gave a shrug. "I admit...that'd be kind of nice."
Carl sighed and shook his head. "You know...maybe Equestria isn't so great after all. Crazy religion, toxin-laced rainbow byproducts, state-mandated harems, products manufactured for creatures with five fingers with one being an opposable thumb, and destiny decided by some coloration on your ass that shows up one day."
Sam couldn't really say anything in response to that as he sipped his own coffee slowly. Yet as they sat there and mused over this...the donut shop runner, carrying a plate of chocolate-covered, cream-filled donuts walked by them. He paused, stared for a moment...and then sighed and set his plate down. After that, he leaned up on the counter and looked across from the two of them.
"Look...fellas...I didn't mean to overhear and I was just going to keep my trap shut...but you two are whining like a couple of foals. How about counting your blessings for once?"
Both Carl and Sam looked up to him, only to have him point to both.
"You two are from Ponyville, right?"
The two paused, looked to each other, looked back, and then nodded.
"Man...your town less than fifty years ago was nothing more than some 'zero-horse town' on the edge of Everfree Forest. No one had to worry about health insurance or minimum wage. They had problems like hoping the current season's crop didn't fail so they didn't starve and being eaten by Timberwolves. You think those people living in Manehatten and Fillydelphia wouldn't kill to be in your place right now...living in a quiet country with clean air and no property taxes through the roof? You both have jobs in the first place, right? You're definitely not starving or sick. And for all your financial troubles, you don't seem to have any trouble sitting here having some donuts and coffee. Hell, you even got off work from whatever you were doing for Princess Twilight's coronation. Besides...you want more proof about what a shot you got in Equestria?"
He leaned in a bit closer.
"Twilight Sparkle started off as just some nervous kid, and now she's a goddess. How many places are there where you can actually 'work your way up to goddess' from nothing?"
The two were silent in response.
"...Think about that for a bit." The runner finished before turning and moving on.
Carl and Sam remained silent for a bit longer, and then looked up to each other.
"...You know, I'm pretty good at the operator job."
"Yeah...and I make Employee of the Month almost every time..."
They paused again.
"...I kind of like where I live. It has a good view of the sunset."
"And the roaches really aren't that bad...I tend to exagerate..."
"I kind of like those kids always running around..."
"And the city council gave me a get-well-soon basket last time I came down with some food poisoning after eating some bad baked goods... Nice one too..."
The two stallions were quiet for a bit longer, then looked up to each other with smiles.
"And...you know what? I could stand to read some more books."
"Yeah, me too."
Carl paused a bit longer, but then took up his coffee cup and held it high.
"To Princess Twilight Sparkle. An inspiration to all of us."
Sam smiled back wider and held his up. When that happened, Carl got up from his stool and turned into the donut shop.
"Everyone! To Princess Twilight Sparkle! Best damn mare ever to come out of Ponyville!"
The blue stallion leaned in, his smile fading. "...She moved there, Carl. She's only been living there for about two or three years. She's from Canterlot..."
"...Don't screw up the moment, Sam." Carl muttered back. "To the princess!"
Everypony else soon held up their glasses and gave a toast as well, and afterward they all drank together.
While everyone was taking a swig, however, the door suddenly burst open...revealing a pony in a hazmat suit. On stepping inside, he went a bit wide-eyed and looked around in the room at everyone toasting. Finally, he shouted out.
"What are you ponies doing?! Didn't you just hear? Some disgruntled ex-employee of the Rainbow Factory just triggered Cloudsdale to dump most of its primary runoff tank down the street! Get out before the fumes get here and you all asphixiate!"
Immediately, everyone let their coffee cups drop to the floor in a crash, stood up in a snap, throwing plates and donuts aside to also shatter and leave mess everywhere, and then fled for the exits as fast as they could, tearing through and trampling other to do so. The donut shop manager came out and was just in time to gasp once before he saw everyone flee, and then, groaning, he joined in with the rest and fled for it as well. In moments, the shop was empty, just as a warning siren began to blare in that part of Canterlot signifying the chemical spill. For a moment, all was still.
Then, a single green stallion ran back in, went to the counter, reached over the edge, and seized the plate of chocolate-covered, cream-filled donuts before running out once again.
END
Author's Note
This story has a bit of a different "feel" from the first. Where before it was mostly Carl complaining about inconsistencies he found, this one is more Carl and Sam alike arguing over the downsides of living in Equestria. I also made a few subtle pokes at both the show in terms of conception and fandom. (Hint: the comment about how the coronation should have gone on twice as long and the myth that color is drained out of ponies to make rainbows...)
Since this joke is kind of vague, I'll explain it. The reference to a "personal pan pizza" for finishing reading early is a nod to the old "Book It!" programs sponsored by Pizza Hut in the USA during the '90s...a way of bribing grade schoolers to read with pizza. You had to have both grown up in the early '90s and been a US citizen to get it.
