Voodoo

by Vengeful Spirit

Rating: mature
Tags: Romance, Comedy
Length: 2139

Shining Armor has a meeting to go to with Luna and Twilight, so that leaves Cadence all by her lonesome for the next three weeks with absolutely no way of coping with her heat cycles. The only thing is, Shining was kind enough to provide her with a m

Shining Armor has a meeting to go to with Luna and Twilight, so that leaves Cadence all by her lonesome for the next three weeks with absolutely no way of coping with her heat cycles. The only thing is, Shining was kind enough to provide her with a method of relief in a small, wooden box.

This entire story is very loosely based on a joke that me and my friends used to use back in high school when we were even younger and more immature than nowadays. (yes, it's possible.) If you guys would like some more similar fics from other good sex jokes, please leave a comment below and subscribe. (Wait, this isn't youtube.) :facehoof:

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-31 17:20:01 UTC

Toy Story, The Mature Edition

"And what, may I inquire, is inspiring you to wish to purchase that?" the old stallion asked as he looked into Shining's eyes with a look of shock on his face.

"Look," Shining stated. "I'm not buying this for myself. I really don't swing that way, and you may not believe me, but that's of no consequence. What matters is the fact that I'm going to be leaving the country for a few weeks, and we all know what that would compel Cadence to do. For crying out loud, she's about to enter estrous! While I'm not really the jealous type, it would potentially blow up in everyponies' faces if it came out that the heir to the thrown of this empire were to be conceived out of wedlock. You know that, and I figure the whole mess could be averted by this."

"I see where you're coming from, I suppose. So, what exactly are you looking for?" The shopkeeper inquired, looking more relaxed after what Shining had just said. His gentle gray mane touched the corner of his muzzle as he spoke, causing him to sneeze lightly.

"Well, I want a dildo, of course. But not just any run-to-the-mill one, either. I mean, we've had those and they've never really worked quite as well as a good penis. When a mare goes into estrous-"

"She wants to get railed, I know. Well, we have smooth ones, short ones, long ones, clear ones, rainbow ones, ones that vibrate and glow in the dark, but that's not really going to cut it, is it? No, I think I have just the thing you need." The older stallion trotted back behind his counter, pulling out a small wooden box. "Maybe this could be the solution."

Shining looked at it with a critical eye. It was a well crafted little box of mahogany, aged and treated to where it would never rot and covered in ancient symbols that gave it the appearance of something right out of Zecora's hut. There was only one problem with it, however. "While that's a really nice box, I don't know how exactly that would fit into Cadences..." He drifted off at that last bit, a slight blush dawning his noble features.

"You know, for someone as well renowned as you are, Shining, you're kinda stupid. It's not the box, you fucktard, it's what's inside of it. Take a look, a good long look," the shopkeeper replied, opening the box to reveal what was the master of all sex toys, the passion of all mares, the thing that made every straight stallion in the world want it right up their ass anyways, the thing that-

It was an ordinary dildo.

"What the fuck, dude!"

"Calm your tits, my Prince. This is no ordinary dildo. It's-"

"A piece of generic rubber used to pleasure mares, I know."

"Can you stuff it for a moment?"

Shining sighed. It wasn't like he had much else to do anyways. He looked over at the pale stallion who held the box in his hooves, not even bothering to remove its precious cargo from its home. There really was only one way to know if it was good, and it was probably better that way.

"Okay, so what does it do?"

"This is an ancient Zebrican dildo known as the Voodoo Dick. There were only three such items ever created, and two have been lost since before anyone other than the royal sisters could remember. It actually works rather simply; the user recites the name of the device and the name of his or her target, and then it whizzes over to please it in ways never before known."

The old man looked down at the rubber dick, and then around his surroundings for somewhere to place it. "Voodoo Dick, the door!" He commanded, and as soon as the words left his mouth, the item flew rapidly across the room, slamming almost immediately into the nearby door. The item started to pump away vigorously, slamming into said doorway without the slightest hesitation or delay. It just kept right up at it, banging about three inches away from the doorknob before a crack started forming from the sheer onslaught.

"Okay, that's enough," the old stallion stated, before turning back to his little toy. "Voodoo Dick, the box." With that, the item flew back into said box, leaving behind no trace of its mayhem as it calmly settled back down. The shopkeeper looked back up expectantly at Shining Armor, and found the younger stallion more than pleased by what he saw.

"Dude, that's fucking awesome! How much does it cost?"

"I don't sell it, as it's a family heirloom. However, I'd be more than happy to lease it to you, say, until I die? I have no need of it, and my granddaughter is not old enough to use it yet, and won't be for about a decade. Until then, you can have it on a lease at say, ten thousand bits?"

"Ten thousand bits?!"

"There's only one left in the entire world, my friend, and you happen to have the funds necessary to rent it."

Shining stopped to ponder what he'd just heard. While renting a used dildo would normally seem pretty low even for him, this was in fact a rare item, and had many great uses. Also, it seemed to be the only way he could prevent a potential civil war. While that amount of money would inevitably settle this man's family in a rather well off fashion, it was still a rather hasty decision. The alabaster stallion looked up towards the door which had just been violated by the tool, and he noticed the crack along the grain. If it could do that, it would be well worth the money.

"Alright, I'll take it!"

"Good, but don't get cocky. Remember, you have to say "Voodoo Dick, the-"

"Box to make it stop, I know. I'llhavesomeponydropthebitsofflater, bye!"

With that, the younger stallion picked up the box in his magic, rushing out the door without a further ado. The graying shopkeeper let out a long, mournful sigh. He'd been afraid of this. That stallion had about as many brains as snakes had legs. "Well, what do I do now?" he wondered. "Back to work, I suppose."

Cadence was just finishing the last touches to her mane as her husband burst through the doors to their royal chambers. "I've found it, Honey!" he exclaimed as he rushed over to her side, giving a quick nuzzle before pulling out that wonderful box that he'd just rented. No way was he going to tell her the bill, but she was going to absolutely love this!

"Here it is, Cadence. Exactly the type of present you'd want so you won't miss me too much."

"Shining?"

"Yeah?"

"You know we've already got like thirty of these, and I never use them. It's just kinda...vile."

"Yeah," Shining admitted. "But this isn't like the rest. It's magically enchanted to do the work for you, and it works absolutely perfectly! I have some instructions resting inside the case in the event that you should need it. You are approaching that time, and it might be a little while before I get back. I know you'd normally have Twilight help you out, but she's going to the same meeting that I and Luna are. I hope you'll be fine, Babe, but I got to go!"

With that, he planted his lips firmly on her own before rushing out of the room without waiting for a response. The annoyed princess just let out a groan before throwing the box into the deeper parts of her wardrobe. It's not like she'd need it, right?

Oh was she wrong!

It had been nearly two weeks since Shining had left, and despite how close she was coming to his return, she couldn't be hornier! If it weren't for the fact that she'd been graced with good scruples, she'd have banged every stallion in the court by now. Resistance was futile at this point, she knew. There were really only two options left to her with Twilight gone; either getting railed by the guards or trying out her husband's little "present." Of course, being the great mare she is, Cadence opted for the latter.

"Forgive me, mother, for I have sinned. And, to be honest, I don't give a fuck."

With a tentative hoof, Cadence pulled out the ancient box, and unclasped it to reveal the wonderful idol of sin held within. Pulling out the instructions Shining had written, she set the box down. Giving it a once over, she read it aloud.

"Step One: Open the box. Step Two: Figure out a target. Step Three: Say "Voodoo Dick" and then name the target. That's all you need to know, Hun! Really, try it out."

Cadence laughed at that. Of course that lovable stallion would write the instructions out for her. And she was sure he didn't leave anything else, considering what house he came from. With a sigh, the sexy alicorn lay back in her bed, spreading her legs wide for what was about to inevitably come, if things went right.

"Uh, Voodoo Dick, my pussy?"

Just like that, the rubber abomination made a beeline for her crotch, hurtling over to the inviting and rather dripping folds of its awaiting mistress. Cadence let out an audible gasp as the thing drove its way inside of her cunt, plowing against the walls of her marehood like a jackhammer on caffeine. She'd never felt anything quite so amazing in her entire life, even with a hunk of a stallion like Shining to rail her whenever she felt like it.

The aroma wafting from her pussy was especially pungent considering the fact that she was in the middle of estrous, and each stroke of the Voodoo Dick made her pheromones shoot off even more. Audible gasps started flowing freely from her lips as she neared her climax. The pink mare's hips started to meet a rhythm with the dildo, bucking in time to the implement's strokes.

Cadence cried out loudly as she hit her first orgasm, feeling her juices spray out of her pussy as the cock continued its work, pushing ever deeper into her folds. The princess was fine with this, electing to settle back for a bit to simply enjoy the ride. She felt every stroke and pump like never before as it slithered enthusiastically in and out of her marehood.

About half an hour and three more orgasms later, the pink Alicorn decided she'd had about enough of the experience. While it had been great, her cunt was starting to feel more than a little sore from all the excursion she'd been through. With a calm and satisfied hoof, she reached down to pull it out. The only problem was that it didn't budge. At all!

"Uh, Voodoo Dick?"

The thing ignored her, continuing to pump away vigorously. Cadence realized that it wasn't coming out anytime soon, so she tried to tug at it harder. If this affected it in any way, the thing didn't show it. The princess reached over with a wet hoof to pick up the instructions, only to find that there was no step for its removal. It was at that moment that she panicked.

"Oh shit, I'm fucked!"

Yes, she was getting fucked. Repeatedly, it would seem. Without further pause, the young alicorn picked herself up and slipped on the nearest skirt she could find to conceal the obvious activity going on in her nether regions. "Oh, this is bad!" The disheveled mare blasted her way out the door to her chambers, ignoring the intensely blushing stallions that had been keeping guard to her chambers. Maybe she should be more cautious about how much they hear?

Anyways, Cadence flew through the halls at a hell-bent pace, hoping to find the nearest person capable of helping her in this matter. The fact that she reached yet another orgasm didn't help, especially not in the middle of flight. With that, Cadence slammed headfirst into a random officer, knocking them both onto their rumps. With that, she cried out in ecstasy, riding out her shockwaves of pleasure right in front of the now disturbed stallion.

"Miss?" he inquired. "If you'd pardon my Prench, but what the fuck is going on?"

"Officer, ngh! I've got a dick stuck in my pussy!"

"Bullshit, I see no stallion!"

"That's just it, Officer. It's not a stallion, but the Voodoo Dick that's stuck pumping in my-ahh! Slit!"

"Ha ha ha, that's a good one, but complete bullshit. Voodoo Dick my ass!"

And there ends the tales of the origins of one officer's bad case of hemorrhoids and another's relief. The end! :rainbowkiss: