The Berds and the Biis

by archonix

Rating: mature
Tags: Dinky Hooves, Derpy Hooves, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2392

How do you explain the facts of life when you're a living example of just how strange they can be? A futaquestria write-off '13 entry. Rated mature only for the concept; there is no sex here.

Derpy is unusual.

Not because of her eyes, though they're a little beyond the norm.

Not because of her clumsiness, attributable to perhaps one too many of Pinkie Pie's very special muffins, or perhaps to the circumstances surrounding the acquisition of her cutie mark.

Not because of her cutie mark either, though the subsequent lawsuit made sure she would never have to worry about paying the rent.

She's unusual for another, more intimate reason, though her lover never once complained about it. Of course now she has to explain things to the inevitable result of that love without risking her title as "best momma in Equestria".

An entry for the Futaquestria Write-off '13. Don't ask why, the answer will be silly. The mature rating is only because of the concept; there is no sex. It was also written mostly on a tablet by the beach, so editing is currently non-existent.

Based on an idea by Sparkler.

I regret nothing.

Published 2013-08-01 16:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-01 16:40:02 UTC

Bubbles

There were days, those blessed, wonderful days when Derpy wondered just what she had done to deserve such a wonderful daughter. Sadly, she mused as she strode a bathroom ankle deep in soapy water and covered in suds, this wasn't one of them.

The tub itself was lost in a mountain of bubblebath that filled almost half the room, her dear daughter Dinky having recently discovered another of the amusing uses her increasingly potent magic could be put to. She could hear the little filly giggling away somewhere in the mountain of soap, which was occasionally lit from within by another flash of fire that sent a fresh torrent of bubbles flooding out of the shimmering peak.

Steeling herself, Derpy closed closed her eyes and plunged into the heaping mass of bubbles, only glad that nobody could see her exercising her special talent. As such things go the ability to navigate any sort of bubbles was probably about as useful as a talent in leaf-curling, but for what it was worth it was uniquely hers. Of course, having her cutie mark manifest in the middle of a foam-party gone wrong had not been one of her proudest moments, though the subsequent lawsuit and payout for partial blindness caused by the caustic soap they'd used had made up for it somewhat, as had her brief but satisfying flirtation with fame as the 'Hero of The Sun's Flank' in the local newspaper.

With her eyes closed, finding her way to the tub was easy enough. She instinctively knew where everything was, even the treacherous bar of soap that had tried to slide under her hooves and trip her up. She side-stepped it with the grace of a ballerina.

"If only the entire world could be bubbles," she sighed, then giggled at the silly thought. By some quirk of design the bathroom amplified her voice for that single moment such that a passing mare heard her quite clearly through the window, cementing Derpy's reputation for another week. "Okay little muffin, it was funny the first few minutes, but now it's time to put the water back in the tub all right?"

A splash and a giggle were the only confirmation she had that Dinky was even in there, but a moment later Derpy felt a persistent flow of water around her hooves as the youngster reversed whatever spell she had cast.

"What was this all for anyway? Was it something you learned from miss Twilight?"

"No," Dinky giggled. "I got it out of one of the books she made me read. I don't think I was meant to learn it yet."

Water splashed again. Derpy shook her head and smiled, sending a fluff of suds up into the air to land on her hips. She could hear Dinky still flopping about uncertainly in the remnant water as the tub slowly refilled.

"Momma," her daughter called from somewhere in the pile of foam. "What's a one-eyed monster?"

"Ah! A-a what?"

Dinky's paddling ended in a loud splash as she sat down. With her eyes still closed, Derpy nosed around in the bath until her muzzle met Dinky's ear. She gave it a comforting lick and a nuzzle.

"A one-eyed monster! I think they live in bathtubs."

"I'm not sure that's really true," Derpy replied, wishing that her eyes were open so she could close them against the inanity that was so often her life.

"Only, Rumble at school said that his mommy always asks his daddy if she can go swimming with the one-eyed monster he keeps in the tub, but I don't think he was meant to hear it because one time he asked if he could play with it too and they both shouted at him."

"Dinky."

"And then he said mares mustn't be allowed to have their own because his mom always has to as his dad about it, but then he said that heard somepony say you had one and I thought maybe it had sneaked into the tub and was hiding."

Derpy blew at the foam around her snout, resisting the urge to rub her temples. "Dinky..."

"And if one did get in here then that means there's a stallion somewhere who lost his, so we need to find it and help it get back home." Dinky's head tilted back a little. Her ears twitched. "Right?"

The silence stretched between them for a while as Dinky's magic tugged more water into the tub. Derpy flapped her wings to try and clear a little foam from around her body. "Are you finished now?"

Dinky nodded. "Uh-huh."

"Okay." Derpy could feel the suds around her finally receding. She opened her eyes and laid her head on the edge of the tub. "You know what a euphemism is, Dink?"

The youngster shook her head, sending a thin spray of foam into the air before turning her big wide and above all innocent eyes to her mother. It was possible this was going to be harder than Derpy had considered.

"It's like a made-up name," she said after a moment's thought. Dinky frowned, but then realisation dawned and she grinned. Celestia bless her for taking after Holly in the brains department, Derpy thought with a smile. "Rumble's mommy and daddy weren't talking about a real monster swimming in their bath, it was just a name for... um..."

"For some kind of pet?"

"Not... not really," replied Derpy as she shuffled her legs.

"Is it a name for something they do?"

"Kinda? Wait, no. No." Closing her eyes again, Derpy tipped back her head and tried to think. She was sure she'd had this conversation before, though it was possible it had been a bad muffin dream. Pinkie's special recipe had been rather more potent than she'd expected, but on the other– Pinkie Pie. Of course!

With a grin she opened her eyes and turned her gaze on Dinky again. Her little filly had returned to playing with a toy duck, pushing it under water and giggling as it bobbed to the surface with a little splash.

"Okay Dink, you remember when Mr and Mrs Cake had their two foals?"

Still poking at her duck, Dinky nodded. "Uh-huh."

"And you remember how momma Holly Dash told you that they were brought by a stork?"

The duck spun away on an eddy as Dinky lost interest in it. She planted her hooves on the floor of the tub and glared at the water. "Miss Twilight told me that was a silly story. Storks arent strong enough to carry foals."

Derpy blinked at the ferocity of Dinky's reply. After a moment's pause to consider just how much her daughter knew, she pressed on. "Okay so... you know how when a mommy and a daddy love each other–"

"Miss Cheerilee already taught us about that! She had mister McIntosh come into the school to help."

"R-really?"

"Uh-huh! They took us to the farm and showed us how plants do it and then had miss Mary Lou Anne explain a load of stuff about calves and Apple Bloom had to skip the class bause she already knew it all and miss Applejack wanted her to help pruning her bushes. Oh!" Dinky grinned and leaped up, sending water across the floor once again. "You mean a one-eyed monster is a– a thingy!"

"A thingy?"

"I don't wanna say the name," Dinky mumbled. She flopped back onto her haunches. "It's icky."

"And that's why we have euphemisms, Dink." Derpy grinned. This was going better than she'd thought. "So we can talk about things we aren't comfortable with."

Yet Dinky was still frowning, idly swishing her hooves about in the water with her bottom lip stuck out in an adorable little pout. Without warning she fixed Derpy with a gaze far more knowing than seemed suitable for such a young face.

"Rumble said only colts could have them." She shuffled along the bath and grabbed hold of her rubber ducky again. "But then he said you had one."

"Oh. Huh." After a quick glance at her hinquarters, though she wasn't entirely sure why, Derpy smiled at Dinky and nodded. "Yeah. I do."

"But you're my momma."

"Yes."

"But..." Dinky's frown grew deeper. She held the duck between her forehooves and stared at it as if that would somehow release the secrets of the universe. "Only stallions have... but you aren't a stallion, you're my momma."

"That's right."

The frown on Dinky's face didn't lessen, but something about it changed as Dinky's mind churned over everything she had been told. She leaned into Derpy's nuzzle and closed her eye, sighing quietly. "I don't get it. You have a– a– one of those, but you aren't a colt?"

"That's right, I'm a filly like you, I just have... something extra is all and that just means I'm special. Like my eyes make me special," she explained, holding a hoof up to her face. She moved it to point at Dinky's horn. "And your magic makes you special."

"Oh." Dinky's pout was back again as she stumbled to the far end of the bath, nosing at her duck and splashing little clouds of bubbles into the air with quick flashes of her horn. She reached the plug and stopped, staring at it. "Momma, did I come out of you?"

"Depends how technical you want to get," Derpy replied without thinking. She heard a tiny gasp from Dinky. Her daughter was staring at her, wide-eyed and slack-jawed.

The water was getting cold when Derpy splashed her hooves in it to move closer to Dinky. She wondered how little foals could stand to be in water so cold. Derpy realised she was trying to distract herself and forced a smile to her face as she tugged at the plug chain.

"You came out of Holly," she said once the water had started to drain. Dinky's pout made a come-back, pulling itself out of retirement for another grand tour of the bath as the youngster splashed around, examining the water's flow.

"Did she have to get a stallion?" Dinky's eyes widened again. "Do I have a daddy?"

"No, you have two mommas. Holly Dash." Derpy nuzzled Dinky's cheek again. "And me. But because I have..."

"A thingy," Dinky supplied. She let out a little giggle.

"Yes. One of those. Because of that, I–"

"So are you my daddy?"

"Do I look like a daddy to you?"

Dinky frowned again and shook her head. But then she turned away, still frowning as she clambered out of the bath and flopped onto the slick tiled floor. With a thoughtful frown she started to ponder, her face screwing up in the most adorable way. "So you have a– one of those, but you're still a filly."

"That's what I said isn't it?" Derpy smiled at Dinky's undertain nod. She pulled a towl from the rack and flopped it over Dinky's head to give her a good rub down. "The fact that I have a little extra equipment doesn't make me a stallion."

"I guess," Dinky murmured, rolling on her side while Derpy scrubbed the towel at her mane. She twisted and giggled as she fought against the towel, finally ending up curled in a little bundle between Derpy's forehooves. The little filly nosed tiredly against Derpy's leg and yawned, stretching her neck out toward her mother's face. With a broad smile Derpy rubbed her nose against Dinky's snout before bouncing the youngster onto her back.

"Time for a nap?"

"I'm not sleepy," Dinky replied, though the yawn that followed betrayed her true feelings. She shook her head. "You're still my momma now, right?"

"I am. I suppose technically I'm your sire. Did miss Cheerilee explain what a sire is?"

"Uh-huh. Although she kept talking about a stallion and looking at Mr McIntosh real funny all the time." Dinky yawned again and snuggled down into the towel a little more. "I think she wants to be his special friend."

"He's sure going to have a surprise one of these days," Derpy murmured, smiling just a little.

"Momma, are ponies gonna be mean about it?"

"Why would they be mean?"

"It's like some ponies are mean about Scootaloo using a scooter all the time or how Featherweight has two daddies," Dinky replied. Her voice was starting to sound tired and not a moment too soon. If she could take a long nap, Derpy might be able to get the bathroom cleaned before dinner.

"I guess some ponies are just mean inside," said Derpy. She raised her wings a little to keep Dinky from sliding from her back and trotted toward the door. "If they say anything, you just tell miss Cheerilee."

"Maybe they're jealous." Yawning again, Dinky shuffled around on Derpy's back and crawled up her neck.

"Ow, careful with the mane," Derpy hissed as Dinky clambered up to rest on her head. She set her chin on Derpy's brow and yawned again. "Why jealous?"

"Weeeeell..." She felt Dinky's head roll to one side and brush against her ear. "Sometimes ponies are mean because they want something another pony has and they don't. If everypony had a momma like you, I bet they'd be happy and they wouldn't need to call ponies names any more."

"Maybe," Derpy said quietly. She trotted down the corridor to Dinky's bedroom, pausing a moment to peek in on Sparkler, who was supposed to be doing her homework. The unicorn was fast asleep and passed out over a book, which was probably the best Derpy could hope for. It was definitely better than some of the alternatives that came to mind. "But if everypony had a momma like me then they wouldn't have their own special mommas and the world would be pretty boring."

A squeaking little yawn was her only answer. Derpy chuckled and shook her head, but carefully so she didn't dislodge her young rider. She trotted into Dinky's bedroom without lighting any of the lamps and shuffled her foal onto the bed.

"I'm glad you're my momma," Dinky murmured once Derpy had tucked her in. She closed her eyes and snuggled down into the sheets. "You're the best momma in the world."

There wasn't much to say to that. Derpy smiled and kissed her filly on the forehead before quietly retreating to the door.