The sealed log of commander Quellthax: regarding planet X472-GR33 and subject PP01

by Golden Paw

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Comedy, Random, Pinkie Pie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4383

Searching the galaxy for viable slave races, a survey ship of the Quedra Empire stumbles across a small planet inhabited by strange equines. Seeing they are intelligent enough the crew determine to gather a sample. They get more than they planned.

A survey ship of the Quedra Empire discovers a planet filled with hard working equines. Though a number the species are deemed unsuitable, the hard working earth ponies are judged to be of use. To confirm their first impressions a pony is selected for study. They soon find out that. The subject calling her self Pinkie Pie is nothing like they were expecting and chaos ensues.

Published 2013-08-10 13:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-10 13:30:02 UTC

The sealed log of commander Quellthax: regarding planet X472-GR33 and subject PP01

The sealed log of commander Quellthax: regarding planet X472-GR33 and subject PP01

The disciplinary board rested on their platforms and waved their tentacles in irritation. The news was troubling and completely unexpected. They had sent a fully armed abduction vessel for the task of acquiring a work force from the latest planet to be discovered in the galaxy: X472-GR33.

They had been sent to an undeveloped planet of savages that lived under a feudal system. They had been given weapons, warriors and vehicles that should have made pacification and domination of this world a very simple matter indeed. Yet they had failed.

The ship had been lost with all crew having abandoned ship. Only the ships commander had remembered his duty and remained with his vessel when the rest fled like cowards. This could not be tolerated and so a board of inquest and punishment had been convened to discover what had occurred.

The ship was mostly ruined, apparently the captain had systematically ordered the self destruction of sections of the ship one after another, seemingly at random. When the rescue team came they found the commander sitting alone on the darkened bridge with a number of rubber inflated bladders of bright hues and a strange bio-fibre pointy hat decorated in multiple colours on his head.

The aforementioned captain was dragged into a small holding cell made for such a purpose and blinked his large black eyes at the line of faces before him. His tentacles were secured and his blubbery body was held ridged.

"Quellthax, you have been brought here to answer the charges of gross incompetence. Your failed leadership has brought shame upon your genetic line and embarrassment to the Quedra Empire. You allowed your vessel to be destroyed by a single primitive life form from a planet that has yet to achieve orbital status. The loss of a vortex class battle ship is the least of your crimes." The head of the board said in a disbelieving way.

"What is your plea? Do you have anything to say in your defence before you are executed?” Quellthax felt another voice come into his mind. The Quedra didn't use anything as primitive as speech and sent their thought directly to one another.

There was a moan and whimper from the imprisoned Quedran as he remembered what had happened to him and his ship. Turning his black eyes that had seen too much to the others before him he echoed a single phrase;

"It was soo pink...."

Pinkie Pie bounced happily down the path way leading from Sugar Cube Corner without a care in the world. She was happily munching on the Cake's latest batch of blue berry muffins and was heading over to Twilight's library to see if she wanted some as well.

She had just reached the golden oak's library door when an odd shiver came over her. That was strange, her Pinkie sense was going off in a new way she had never known before. There was no way to describe what it felt like. It was just so alien. The moment passed and Pinkie Pie knocked on the door before her.

"Hey Twilight it's me! I have some new muffins for you to try! They are super duper tastyrific!" Announced Pinkie as the odd feeling stole over her again.

"Coming" Twilight's muffled filtered through the door.

Yet again the moment passed and Pinkie beamed with excitement. She heard the sound of hoof falls coming from within the library, followed by sounds of the door being undone as Twilight prepared to welcome Pinkie Pie. To the Pinkie's surprise there was a bright flash just as she drew in a breath to say hi to her purple unicorn friend.

Twilight opened her front door with a "Hi Pinkie its go......" All she saw was a pair of blue berry muffins on the ground gently steaming. Confused she looked back and forth. She was sure she had heard Pinkie Pie, but the pink pony was nowhere to be seen. Shrugging and putting it down to Pinkie just being her normal random self she picked up the muffins, one for her and one for spike, how thoughtful of Pinkie. Twilight took one more look around for her friend before shrugging and closing the door.

The board were taken aback by the fear and horror in the projected thoughts of commander Quellthax. They could feel the utter confusion and madness that was leaking from his mind. Still this soldier had failed the empire and they were here to get at the truth, so they began to question the disgraced commander.

The Director began slowly. "Your first report from what we could salvage of the ship's core was that you had found a promising source of slave labour on this newly discovered world. They were a hard working, four legged race of creatures that had developed simple language and basic tools."

Waving a control wand the director summoned a global picture of the world in question. It was covered with mostly fertile grass lands, the normal scattering of seas and mountains. for intents and purposes it seemed like a world ripe for plunder as many had been before by the Quedra Empire.

The Director went on; "There seemed to be a number of sub variations of this dominant species, winged, earth bound and horned ones with some rudimentary psionic potential. The earth bound subgroup was deemed useful for workers and the normal process of sample acquisition was commenced. The records after that time are too fragmented to be reliable."

The brown leathery mass of the Director looked away from the image projected in the air and turned his large black eyes once more upon the commander held within the restraints. Though he would never admit it the director was unnerved by the fellow Quedran before him. "Care to fill in what is missing from this report commander Quellthax?" The director asked.

The pitiful Quedran before them broadcast in a low tone as if he was dredging it up from the depths of his mind. "We planned to begin with subjects we didn't think would be missed, those that seemed to have no fighting spirit or official use so not to arouse the local indigenous population. Oh how wrong we were..."

Pinkie Pie found herself floating in a small room. Most ponies would have been unsettled by this. Most sentient beings struggled to cope with being transferred to a small green lit holding cell with no warning. But to the pink ponies delight she found she was weightless. Before long she was bouncing happily along the ceiling of her confinement. She pushed herself off one wall and then another doing spinning cart wheels through the air.

This was so much fun and Pinkie Pie couldn't help but cry "WHEEEE!" as she bounced and ricochet around the holding cell. There was the blaring of a klaxon, then the lights turned red and all of a sudden gravity came back. Pinkie Pie kept flying about for a bit until she realized what physics expected of her and fell to the floor with a thump. There was a mechanical sound of gears and pistons moving and the whole room moved sideways.

Out side the Quedran soldiers on duty made ready to escort their new prisoner to the laboratory. All were seasoned warriors of hundreds of campaigns. They thought they had seen the worst this galaxy could throw at them. But nothing could prepare them for what was about to be unleashed upon the ship.

The heavy duty prison door ground open with a squeal of metal on metal and the red back lit silhouette of a small fizzy mane was all they saw before all madness broke loose.

"Hi I’m Pinkie Pie, what’s your name? OooooOOooo what’s this? That looks fun!" The blur was among them before they could even begin to raise their particle rifles. The ordered ranks of the warriors were thrown in to disarray as Pinkie bounced around, over and in some cases under the confused soldiers.

It wasn't long before panic caused the first shots to be loosed and soldiers began falling to friendly fire. Even their complex targeting arrays were unable to track the brightly coloured pink blur. The leader of the squad quickly called a cease fire but the damage had been done. The creature was through their lines and tore off down a corridor before any soldier could stop it.

"We have an escaped prisoner loose on deck twenty seven, lock down all bulk heads!" the command echoed from the bridge. "Be aware, life form is far more agile than previously believed. Use stun nets and pacification gas." Captain Quellthax wasn't worried, they had dealt with abnormal life forms before. He saw no reason to think this would be any different.

Pinkie Pie was bouncing from one new thing to another. There were blinking lights that looked so pretty. There were tanks full of glowing liquid that sloshed and bubbled in a fascinating way. So much fun! Pinkie heard the strange sounds of her new friends. They were a strange herd, but she wasn't going to comment on that. She had learnt it could hurt a pony's feeling if she just said the first thing that came into her head.

"Ah hi ya, this is a great place you have and so superduper! What are all these lights for?" Pinkie turned about to see more of the new things making their way along the corridor towards her from both directions.

The Quedran guards would not make the same mistake twice, the front rank were now armed with barrier shields that could be deployed to block off whole areas in front of them. Pacification gas was designed to stun the subject on a psionic level. No living thing could come in contact with it and remain conscious. Their plan to subdue the loose life form was put into action.

The second rank primed and threw the pacification gas grenades before the front rank activated the barrier. This isolated the area from the rest of the ship. Now they just had to wait for the gas to do its work. After a few minutes there was a small voice from behind the commanding officer.

"What'cha all waiting for? Is it some kind of surprise?" The Quedran wobbled back from the target with a startled gurgle. Pinkie Pie was watching the whole event with a keenly interested stare. The small earth pony found herself in the middle of a bemused circle of aliens that had just seen a small pink pony appear outside their trap, their-well-planned-trap as if it was nothing.

Pinkie Pie smiled. "Oh I see you need some pony to start the party going." The small equine hopped forward and deactivated the barrier shield with a deft hoof before bouncing away. "Thanks all but I think I’ll find some food, I didn't get a proper breakfast. There was the gurgled sounds of a large number of Quedran passing out behind her as the now free gases swept into the corridor.

"Are you trying to tell me that this back ward species had developed phasic-matter-divergence?!" The director asked in a shocked way. The commander before him had described how the new creature had been on their scanners then just disappeared before reappearing behind the squad he had sent to subdue it.

The greatest minds of the Quedra Empire had been working on the ability to 'phase through solid matter' for years. It seemed very unlikely this simple four legged creature without even opposable digits could have mastered the science to such a level that it did it without thought.

Commander Quellthax whole body shook with fear. "I do not know, I don't know! But one moment it was there then the next it was free. I can't explain it! Sooo pink, the party poppers..." He descended into mad ramblings and the director mentally shut out the commander's voice.

The director turned once again to the recovered files of the ship's core. What had been saved from the wreckage of the ship all pointed to some level of psionic control from the horned sub group of the species, but not from the earth bound ones. There was also some mention of a ruling class or pair of creatures that seemed to carry the combined traits from all three sub groups.

This didn't explain how the test subject had been able to escape the trap. Even if it had some hidden psionic potential their ships and equipment was designed to block such powers any way. Yet this pink life form didn't follow any of the rules the Quedrans understood about psionics it seemed.

All this seemed so very unlikely to the director and his fellow board members that incompetence or possible space madness seemed much more probable. Still they had to be thorough, high command would demand no less with the loss of a valuable vortex class battle ship. Commander Quellthax seemed to have stabilized somewhat so they asked further questions.

Commander Quellthax would never admit it to any other Quedran, but he was starting to panic. This new life form seemed to be unstoppable. Bulk heads had been sealed, units placed in its path and he had even ordered areas of the ship to be opened to space. Nothing slowed it down! The escaped prisoner was heading for the living quarters and now Quellthax had no idea how to stop it.

Pinkie Pie was following her nose, there had been some small distractions with other 'wobbly ponies' as she had taken to thinking of them. They all seemed they wanted to play different games, but couldn't make up their minds which ones. Some would rush at her as if they wanted to play pony hunt. After a while of this they seemed to change their mind and acted like Pinkie Pie was 'it' in a game of tag.

But now she could smell cooking properly, it smelt good and she didn't think her new friends would mind if she tried some of whatever they had. Pinkie Pie was nosing her way through another closed door, why were they all locked? Most ponies didn't bother to lock their doors in Ponyville. Maybe these 'wobblers' were in need of cheering up and reminding how friends should behave.

Pinkie looked on a scene of utter pandemonium. There were 'wobblers' bouncing and flailing at each other as they tried to get away from her as fast as possible. They left the food cooking on some glowing pans and Pinkie Pie couldn't let such yummy food get burnt now could she? The earth pony moved up to smell them and licked her lips, it was green and mushy but smelt really tasty.

The standard Quedran ration pack was predominantly one vital ingredient. They knew it as 'Flaxgar seven'. Ponies knew it as sugar. This was the staple of their food, but they also packed it full of enhancers and stimulants. It was what gave the average Quedran warrior its fighting spirit and helped them get through the long shifts. One serving would keep them up and at it for a whole cycle. All of this was lost on Pinkie Pie who had already gobbled down four standard helpings.

Pinkie Pie noticed Something very very strange was happening. She looked up to see all the 'wobblers' were all moving super slowly. Turning her head to one side she watched as a container that was knocked off by a flailing tentacle. It drifted down in a gentle way as if It was in no rush at all. Sounds were also coming across funny too. It was all really funny.

Pinkie Pie had the sudden uncontrollable urge to dance. Pinkie Pie cried "Gotta dance!" before she began to bounce up and down to a tune that only she could hear. Not only that, she began to sing one of her little songs....

Quellthax was coming to his wits end. This strange creature he caused to be brought onto his ship was beyond logic. Its moves made no sense what soever and it seemed to be getting faster and faster. The little marker that showed its life signs aboard his vessel was blinking here there and everywhere.

His crew were reporting it was making some kind of strange noise that was blood curdling. Half the crew were now clamouring to abandon ship, the other half had locked themselves in their personal quarters and prayed that the pink daemon would pass them by.

The creature had briefly broken into the ships communications hub and spread its terrifying audio assault across the whole battle ship. That was the last straw for the crew and full blown panic was now spreading from deck to deck. Commander Quellthax sunk into his command throne as his bridge crew one by one abandoned their posts and fled to the escape pods.

Quellthax soon found himself alone. He did what any right thinking commander of a battler ship that was being overrun by the enemy would do. He resolved to go out in a blaze of glory and take the foe with him. Watching the last functioning monitor he focused on the alien as it blipped from place to place aboard the ship.

One tentacle was curled around a detonator. As the blip appeared in one place he would trigger the self destruction protocol, blasting the section of the ship to atoms. But no matter how hard he tried the life form would appear in another place before he had even finished squeezing the trigger.

The strange sound it was making was echoing through the communication system. It hurt his mind and set his tentacles on edge. Quellthax was running out of ship to destroy and the alien was still bouncing erratically from place to place. No matter what this monster was he would not let it have the ship, he had ensured the ships core was wiped to hide the shame of having failed the empire and to stop the random gibberish the pink invader had corrupted it with. He had done much, but there would need to be a warning sent to the core worlds: This planet was to be avoided at all costs.

It took a few moments for the commander to realize the horrid noise had ceased. The ship was now deathly quiet with not even the reactor's normal hum being heard. It was then that he saw it, for the first time the pink daemon had come to the bridge. As the creature stood watching Quellthax he noticed that it was blurred slightly as if it couldn't stay completely still........

Pinkie Pie was a little sad, there were no more 'wobblers' about. It had been such fun to watch them all move in their slow way. She wondered why this last one was sitting there so sad and alone. The pink pony had bounced back a few times to get some more mushy stuff from what she reasoned was the kitchen only to find it was gone too. Most of the ship was dull and empty now.

She now stood with the last 'wobbler' in front of her. It seemed scared and alone so she just had to cheer it up. The sad thing was moving slowly, but it seemed to be picking up pace even as Pinkie watched. She moved up and gave the mound of leathery skin and tentacles a huge hug. Then she brought out some balloons and put a little party hat on its head.

The world was starting to speed up once again for Pinkie Pie and the sounds of the ship (or lack of them) snapped back into focus. Pinkie Pie smiled at her new friend and produced a cake out of thin air for him.

"There you are Mr wobbles, your very own party!" The pink pony then drew out her party cannon (once again from nowhere) and soon the darkened ships bridge was decorated and all ready to go.

Quellthax watched as the pink creatures blurred out line solidified and she came forward with a sad look in her big blue eyes. The high pitched noises from her mouth were also coming back into focus again it seemed, though it was still alien gibberish to the Quedran.

The pink daemon placed what looked like a Flaxgar seven covered food circle in front of the commander. Was this some kind of strange challenge ritual from the planet below, was this monster wanting to fight him on even terms? The Quedran oath of challenge was technically open to other races.

It would be a chance to redeem some of his lost honour. The Quedran saluted in the way of his kind and then opened his mind to the pink alien ready for the mental dual to the death. Right away he wished he hadn't. His mind was blasted with bubbles, balloons, cupcakes and endless parties. In the last few moments before losing consciousness Quellthax realized there were forces in the galaxy that were beyond the understanding of mortal minds no matter how advanced they thought themselves to be.

For all their technology and apparent power the Quedrans understood only a fraction of what this galaxy truly held in store for them. He felt just how tiny they really were. With this clarity came one overriding feeling. Most of all, the commander suddenly had an almost insane need for cake. Without being able to control himself Quellthax leaped upon the treat before him and devoured it without mercy. Then he slipped into blissful unconsciousness.

Pinkie Pie seeing that her new friend had enjoyed the cake so much smiled to herself at a job well done and gave the now sleeping 'wobbler' a little pat on the head. "There you go, things are so much better with friends and cake." She realized she should get back to Ponyville as the other ponies would be missing her.

With a final good bye to her new sleeping friend Pinkie went home. It was achieved in a way that no pony really understood how, (Even by Pinkie Pie herself.) but Pinkie Pie just bounced out of frame and then appeared outside the Golden Oaks Library as if nothing had happened.

The Director leaned back, from commander Quellthax. In order to get the true facts about what occurred, the director had needed to link minds with the stricken Quedran. It was a massive invasion and was traumatic for the target of such a mental probe if they resisted. But Quellthax put up no fight at all and it was the only way to be sure of what the commander had seen.

The Director blinked his huge black eyes a few times as he attempted to apply reason for what he had just observed. It was beyond the laws of the universe as he understood them. The Director shook his boneless head from side to side trying to clear the lingering sounds of party poppers and squeakers. Over all now he knew of what Quellthax had being trying to warn them of he fully agreed with the choices the commander had made.

This pink daemon or whatever it was could be the most dangerous being the Quedran had ever encountered. Just one of them had overrun an entire battle ship by itself and by accident to it seemed, imagine what it could do if it wanted to. The thought was too terrifying. They must not send any other ships to the sector. He would recommend a no go zone be established around that area of space.

It was universally decided upon that the things learnt in this investigation would be hidden away and taboo placed over the whole topic, lest it cause mass panic with in the Empire. But when Quellthax promised that he would keep the secret, he did something very strange. He waved his tentacles in an odd motion while repeating an almost mantra like:

"Cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-fly, stick-a-cupcake-in-my-eye." The unhinged Quedran said.

The whole room went quiet at that, then the Director (Not quite sure why he did.) commented that breaking a friend's trust was the fastest way to lose a friend. The central projection hub was pushed open and a pink pony emerged with a cry of; "FOREVER!" The board room broke down into total panic and dismay........

The pan-galactic Quedra Empire mysteriously crumbled in on itself in the space of a few short months. The tyrant Emperor who had ruled with an iron fist and been a blight over countless systems was found deceased in strange circumstances. The galaxy emerged into an era of forward thinking and freedom not experienced by the empire and their subjugated races for decades. Of the strange fuzzy pink creature rumoured to behind the fall of the Quedra Empire was never found and despite the assurances of the Quedran remnants that still lived, never returned.

The symbol of the four legged pink creature with ceremonial bunch of Balloons and a party hat was freely associated with freedom and peace on a thousand worlds. Tales of how a powerful pink Goddess had freed their homes from evil tyrants was also a frequently told legend on a thousand others.

Pinkie Pie had no clue of any of this. She went back to baking her cupcakes and chatting with her friends about what her pet alligator gummy had tried to eat that morning. No pony ever found out about the strange time Pinkie Pie had spent aboard a space ship and how it had changed the course of the galaxy, probably all for the best.

The end

Author's Note

The idea of this story just popped into my head a few weeks ago and I thought it would be fun to see what it could happen if a logical race of aliens tried to study Pinkie Pie. They come over as a bit of nasty alien race so I was happy to see them undone by the silly antics of the pony. Any how hope you enjoy it as much as I had a good time writing it.