Soldier: The Interdimmensional Babysitter

by The Well Dressed Ninja

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random, Crossover, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1006

IF CELESTIA WANTED YOU TO HAVE FUN SHE WOULD NOT HAVE SUMMONED ME!

The 6 Hippies of Harmony need to leave their hick town to once again save their hippy planet from hippy villains. This time however, the numbnuts didn't have time to hire a babysitter.

THAT'S WHERE I COME IN MAGGOTS!

A MLP/TF2 Crossoever inspired by the cover image.

Not to be taken seriously at all. This is just something that I'm doing to try and get my muse going again.

Published 2014-11-05 16:50:06 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-05 16:50:06 UTC

AKA "What Soldier does in his spare time."

It was a normal day in the city of Manehattan.

UNTIL THE SEAPONIES ATTACKED!

"Come brothers!" Yelled the Seapony commander. "We shall destroy the surface dwellers, and their ocean polluting ways!"

The Mayor of Manehattan tried to parlay. Until the Seapony commander used his fin-mounted bubble blower to blow salty bubbles into the Mayor's eyes, causing great irritation and inflammation.

With the Mayor now crying her eye's out in the middle of the street, the Seapony army activated their jet packs to wreak havoc on the populace. Causing stinging in the eyes, obscuring visibility resulting in tripping, and made all the ice cream vendors shut down because their delicious treats just kept getting salty.

The Captain of the Guard in Manehattan knew he had no choice.

"Send for the ELEMENTS OF HARMONY! Only they can stop this menace."

~Several Seconds Later~

"You wanted to see us Princess Celestia?" inquired Twilight Sparkle.

"Yes my small ponies, it seems that the King of the Seaponies found a bottlecap in his morning caviar. He has ordered a attack on the surface world starting with Manehattan."

"Oh no!" cried Rarity. "All those new fashion lines, RUINED!"

"Oh no!" cried Pinky. "I didn't get to throw them a Please-don't-invade-Manehattan party!"

"Oh no!" cried Fluttershy. "Those poor fish eggs!"

"Oh no!" cried Applejack. "I forgot to turn off the stove!"

"Meh." said Rainbow Dash. "I never really liked Manehattan anyway."

"So you see my tiny ponies you must go to Manehattan and zap the Seapony army with your Elements of Harmony." Finished Celestia.

"Just one problem with that Princess." responded Applejack.

"Yes?"

"I can't go."

"I beg your pardon?"

"I can't go."

"Actually Princess Celestia, I too am unable to join." Rarity stated.

"Princess Celestia, you know that I'd go wherever you sent me, no matter if what awaited me there was certain death." Cut in Rainbow Dash. "But I'm, uh, a little tied up at the moment too."

"Whatever is the problem my teeny-tiny ponies?" asked Celestia rather perplexed why her super weapons weren't ready to sacrifice their lives for her at short notice.

"You see it's..."

"Applebloom."

"Sweetie Belle."

"Chickenloo."

All heads turned to Rainbow Dash.

"Oops, hehe, I meant Scootaloo."

Applejack took a step forward.

"Yah see Princess, I just don't have anyone ta watch out fer her right now. Granny Smith can't watch her, and Big Mac is off at a Farmer Seminar."

"My parents WERE taking a vacation at Manehattan."

"I promised Scootaloo's parents I'd be foalsitting her today."

"Hmmm..." hummed Princess Celestia. "So what your saying my microscopic ponies, is that you need a foalsitter for your young charges?"

"Eyup."

"Then I know just the spell to fix that! I shall call upon the greatest babysitter of all the multiverse! That isn't busy of course. It'd be terribly rude just to rip someone out of reality while they were busy with something."

Walking away from the 6, Celestia powered up her horn and began to chant.

"What's she saying Twi?" asked Applejack.

"I don't know, whatever it is it must be an ancient chant used only for the most powerful of spells."

"Mahna Mahna, Do doo be-do-do, Mahna Mahna, Do do-do do, Mahna Mahna, Do doo de-do-do de-do-do de-do-do-do-do-do Imma chargin' my magic.!"

"Truly a sight to behold..."

With a sudden flash of light and a small popping noise, a creature now stood before the 6. One familiar, yet totally alien at the same time. Before anypony could utter a word, the creature shouted.

"I AM THE PRETTIEST UNICORN!"

~Elsewhere on one of the many million iterations of Earth, in the Badlands~

"Yes... YES... Soon I will be rid of that blemish upon my life, SOLDIER!" Merasmus cackles over his cauldron, preparing a spell to banish Soldier as far as physically possible from him. Best case secenario, Soldier would end up on the other side of the universe. Worst case, he'll end up in the next county over. Whichever brought Merasmus the most peace.

"EXPLOSIVE ENTRY!"

Suddenly, the wall to the left of Merasmus explodes, showering the room in dust and fist sized chunks of rock. Heavy's fists that is.

"Hello Merasmus! I have returned!" Soldier announced as the dust and burning debris settled.

"Raahh! Soldier? Son of a... , WHY ARE YOU HERE?"

"I have returned for my hats!"

Looking around, Soldier spies one in the incidental rubble.

"Like my Magical Mercenary! Who's the prettiest unicorn? You are, you are~!"

Merasmus could only look on, momentarily consumed by exasperation and simmering rage.

"Just... Just stay right there, I'm almost done with my spell. Soon you'll not have to worry about hats."

Perking up at the declaration, could only bounce up and down in anticipation, the fake pink mane bouncing up and down in time.

"Oh boy Merasmus! Are you going to summon Hatticus, guardian of all hats to give me the... ULTIMATE HAT?"

"Yeah, yeah whatever you say Soldier. Just stay right there and DON'T move an inch."

"Sir Yes SIR!"

And thus, for the first time in the multiverse, a Merasmus and Soldier stayed in the same room for multiple minutes without it exploding. Again that is.

Merasmus began to laugh menacingly after completing the last incantation."Now Soldier, it is time to face... YOUR DOOOOOOOM!"

"Doomed to get the ULTIMATE HAT?"

"No, doomed to go someplace far, far, FAR away from here."

"WHAT!?! YOU SON OF A HIPPIE! YOU TOLD ME I'D GET A HAT!"

"No, that is what you said."

"DANGNABIT!"

In frustration, Soldier ripped the Magical Mercenary off and started stomping on it. Frustratedly. Before kicking it into the air.

"Now, stay put Soldier! Soldierus BEGONUS!"

Three things happened at once then. Celestia's spell passed through the Badlands, searching for it's mark. Merasmus' spell also reached out, taking hold of Soldier. And the Magical Mercenary fell into the cauldron. Long story short, Soldier dissapeared in a flash of rainbow light, but not before one last scream of defiance.

"I AM THE PRETTIEST UNICORN!"