The Mysterious Tale of the Man Who Didn't Do Much

Chapter 8: My oh... my.

'Okay, okay... Calm down, Jackson.' I thought to myself, 'You can handle this. Ain't no thing... But a chicken wing. No. No chicken. These guys would flip.' Heh. Okay, I was kinda freaking out. I was meeting a princess of the talking ponies. Well, on the bright side, I was now friends with her personal student. This could go really well or really bad. I had calmed down when a curious Pinkie started waltzing around my M4. "Whoawhoawhoa, Pinkie, what ou-" BANG! A shot fired off and went through the roof, scaring the daylight out of everyone in the room but me, but woke up Rainbow Dash who ran over to see what happened. It was hysterical! They all froze and plopped sideways like fainting goats!  I calmly turned the gun on safety, set it down, laid myself down, and laughed just about as hard as ever. Rainbow joined in, and there it was. The "Bahaha" all over. I didn't know where she was, until I turned around. She was, like, right in my face. "Aah!" I yelled and crawled back. "Why do you always do that!?" This only cause her to laugh a TON more. "Ehehe- You- I was trying to- Hahahahaha..."

"But you scared me again. We aren't even anymore."

"Oh Celestia." She almost whispered and bolted out the door. "Well," I said, looking satisfied. Much like the way Twilight did just a moment ago. "That takes care of her for a while... You guys okay?" AJ shook her head quickly, as if snapping out of a trance, Pinkie sprang up, Twilight wobbled to her hooves, Rarity massaged her ears and Fluttershy was still on the ground. Oh shit. "Fluttershy?" I said quietly, yet audibly enough, "Can you hear me?" She was shaking. Jeez. Must've really scared her. "You okay there?" Everyone was looking at her now, and I got down on the ground and tried to look at her. She turned away, but I heard she was kind of... crying. Oh dear. This will not be easy. I can't say it won't hurt her because... Quite frankly, it could. I started to pet her head and she calmed down. "Hey," I said, veeery quietly, "it's fine. You don't have to be so scared. It kinda freaked me out too, if it helps. heh..." My chuckle trailed off as she lifted her head and brushed away tears. Then she looked at me. "Sorry. I just... Get spooked easily."

"You don't have to be sorry. There's nothing wrong with it." She looked all better, for the most part. I never did think she would actually be open and brave about things, anyway, though. She didn't seem the type. I stood and helped her up. It was now that AJ asked "What in tarnation that thing was." I told them that it was called a "gun" and it was only one form of a "gun". These "gun"s shot little pointed metal pellets called "bullets". They broke skin and caused internal as well as external damage. This was a war weapon built for murder. The girls were shocked, as expected. I told them that "Nopony is to touch this thing. I don't want any of you getting hurt. Understand?" They all nodded. I held it up and showed them where things were and what they were for such as the stock being used for propping up with your shoulder, the barrel aims the bullet, etc...

There was a knock on the door. It wasn't as lightweight as normal hooves would sound. It was thick. Indicating a larger source. The princess. How did I look? Why did I care? BECAUSE IT'S A FUCKING PRINCESS! I sighed and got ready. The door opened and my oh... my.

Before the door opened, the only thought in my mind was, 'Hide. Hide now.'. But now... Good God. I'm not implying what you're probably thinking. That would be... beyond weird. I'm implying that her very aura is something to behold. I can't describe it. Literally. If my vernacular were at such a high level that I knew every word in the English language... I could possibly begin to describe it. On top of everything, she was nearly my height. Oh lawdy. She slowly walked in, cautious of me. I thought she would pull a Pinkie. Oh, by that I mean, 'Caaaan yoooouuu taaa-' You get it. She spoke directly, from about two feet away, getting a good look at me. "Hello. I hear my little ponies have found you in the forest. Where are you from?" Her voice was as smooth as skim milk. After reading that she was over one thousand years old, I would expect otherwise and- Wait, hey, isn't that, like, a T.V. show? My Little Pony? From the 80's? I think they've even made another version that, hehe, guys like. I shall never know why. Come to think of it, this is insanely cartoon-y. I haven't paid it a piece of mind because for all I know, I could be dead! This is way too good too be real, anyway. "Yes, it was originally Fluttershy. Then Rainbow Dash helped with a rock I had stuck in my throat, then Twilight provided this house... Slash... Library. And uh... No offense, but I don't think you would know where I come from. It's... probably far away. Seeing as we've never seen you." All the girls looked interested at that last part.

"Never seen us? Whatever do you mean?"

"Oh. We have other humans that study what's called astronomy. We look at other planets. We can see... pretty far away if I do say so myself." Twilight spoke up. "We have astronomy too. However, we've only noticed one other planet. It's very nearby, however and quite hard to miss."

(Authors note: According to a study paper I've recently received, the technical term for astronomy is: "The science of observing celestial bodies." Also, celestial means heavenly. My friend walked up and said, "Well, that body certainly IS heavenly." I rofl'd ALL OVER my copter. Note to self, major in astronomy when older. If ya know what I mean.)

"In our solar system, we have eight planets. Actually, more. However the others are so small that we don't count them. We call those ones 'dwarves'. Also, what I mean by, 'We didn't see you' is, like I said, we can see extremely far. We haven't seen your planet. As for your second question, I come from a place called Earth."

"Intriguing." We all sat in a circle much like the one we sat in last night. All the girls knew everything I said, but the princess seemed new to it. She was asking all the same questions that were included in Twilight's letter, so wouldn't she already know? Then some different ones. "How old are you, if it isn't too personal?"

"I turned 16 about... three months ago. If I read correctly, you've been ruling for around a thousand years. To me, though, you look so young." She looked like she almost blushed at my comment. Did I just accomplish that? If you told me, 2 days ago, in my hole-in-the-ground bunker that I would get on the good side of a magical alicorn princess while sitting a louse, -A library house, yes.-  I would call you crazy. Hell, if I dreamed it, I woulda' called MYSELF crazy. Now, here she is. Here I am. In the words of her, 'Intriguing.' She replied with a smile, "Well, yes, immortality does have its perks. Hmhmhm..." I guess she doesn't get to hear this a bunch. Poor thing. All the others were staring in shock. I broke the moderately new silence by talking to the gazing group, "What, never seen a other-worldly being sweet talk a princess? Neither have I, honestly..." This didn't help. The princess laughed, but the others just... basically, the only way to have anyone's jaw drop lower would be to dislocate it. The princess looked at me with an, 'Oh, you...' look and said, "Well, it was fun meeting you. I just hope you can get my little ponies out of shock." There it was again. Jesus Christ, if I'm on some cartoon after dying... this... would explain why dudes like it. I'm liking this situation myself. "Wait they're ALL your students!?" I looked at Twilight. "Somepony's got some a-splainin' to dooo...." She snapped out of... whatever she was in, and giggled at the comment. So did Celestia. The whole damn time I was back to thinking what I was when I wrote my journal entry. 'Guess I still got it.'

Speaking of that... I look over and find Rainbow opening my journal and starting to read. WHERE DID SHE COME FROM!? Did I not hear her come in? Did she not knock? "Excuse me for just a second, please." I politely and calmly said before BOLTING over to Dash and snatching the near-empty booklet from her hooves. "No. Bad Dashie."

"Hey, Pinkie calls me that."

"Yeah, she said it a while back. I thought I would too. I need to get a lock for this thing." I retorted with a playful sneer. "My revengence won't be easy on you. Muahahaha!" I said, cackling the same evil laugh as before, as I walked back to the circle of ponies staring. Even the princess was staring. I felt the need to explain. "Oh, she spooked me badly a little while ago, so I got revenge. When you mix revenge with vengeance, you get, 'Revengence'. She did it again an even SHORTER while ago and so we weren't even. On top of that, she was going through my journal." I flashed a smile to show that I wasn't at all angry, however, Celestia looked just a tad miffed. From her sharp and stabby horn, to her hooves, I would NOT want to get on her magical bad side. "Rainbow, is this true?" Rainbow ducked and mumbled. I stepped in, "Oh don't get mad. I'm not. She was just messing around."

"Well, alright. Though I must ask. What was your, 'Revengence'?" Rainbow perked up her head and quickly shook it left to right, as if to say, 'Nononononono!' Too bad, snoopy little horse! I leaned over to Celestia and performed the same routine. Well, think about it this way. Being jump-scared... It's involuntary. No matter how tough you are, if something jumps out at you, you get startled."

"Well, yes, I suppose." Rainbow ran over, probably for means of intimidation. She was at around eye level when I was sitting. She was staring at me now, from the side. I finally got around to talking again and said, "Can you think of any other involuntary reactions?" I reached over and poked Rainbow's belly. She giggled, and held her stomach. The princess laughed a bit herself, and looked over to Rainbow. "Miss Dash. I had no idea. The toughest pony in Equestria a bit ticklish, eh?"

"Hey, I don't want anypony to know."

"I doubt your friends would tell a soul." I nodded, as did everyone- ...everypony... else. The princess turned to me again, "Well, as I said, it was great meeting up with you, but I really must be going. Would you follow me to the door?"

"Of course." I naturally responded. I would've cleaned her attic without missing a heartbeat, because, heh, I don't think you understand... SHE. IS. A. PRINCESS. I, and I alone followed her to the door, but before I could get a chance to open it, she did it with magic. "Oh, I would've done that, princess."

"Please. Call me Celestia."

"Are you sure?"

"Definitely."

"Okay... Celestia. Then what was the reason that you called me over, if I may ask?"

"Well, just to say that... Equestria needs more ponies... rather... People like you." How the hell did she know that? "How did you know that's.. what we say?"

"Stalling by asking simple questions to read your mind. I apologize. I just had to know things about you. Funny thing is, now I know about the... well... 'relationship' between Rainbow Dash and you." My jaw fell. Wut. I was hardly worried about this, seeing as I knew that I didn't like her 'like that', only so for poor ol' Rainbow. "Don't worry about Rainbow." she said.

"You and your mind reading. Promise me you'll stop soon."

"I promise." I just got a princess... to promise me something. Mindfreak. "Also," she said, "Have a good revengence. And yeah, you've still got it." With that and a smirk... she left. My oh... my.