The Dimensions Uniting Multiverse Bureau

by IceColt

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Main 6, Original Character, Comedy, Crossover, Random
Length: 13504

The Dimensions Uniting Multiverse Bureau has dedicated itself to monitor and regulate any interactions between dimensions and universes of any kind. This is the story of their operatives in Equestria.

Ever wondered if there was anyone who kept a watch over all the crossovers that ever happened? Well, this is the story of them. The Dimensions Uniting Multiverse Bureau is an organization dedicated to keeping a watch over every single interdimensional travel happening. Their reach is wide, their funding inexplicably limitless and their technology always advanced, even in the greatest science fiction world. They are all powerful.

So of course they'll take a team comprised out of a viking with the adaptability of a dodo, a ninja with the inclination to accuse everybody of having killed his sensei, a cyborg with a violent dislike for the explanation "It's magic", and a cynical, alcoholic field agent that values avoiding paperwork over preserving sentient life, and send this collection of lunatics to Equestria, just to check on something.

Published 2013-08-01 03:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-18 13:50:01 UTC

Chapter 1: Where Everything Goes Wrong

Peaceful quiet permeated the forest. There were happy birdsongs to be heard, the sun’s light shone beautifully through the thick treetops, painting ornate shadow patterns over the densely growing grass. A slight breeze kept the painting ever alive and changing, gaining assistance through small woodland creatures like squirrels jumping from branch to branch or rabbits scurrying through the landscape. It was a perfect portrayal of a quiet forest and the peaceful life of its denizen.

Jack couldn’t stand the sight of it.

It wasn’t the forest’s fault. Jack could barely stand the sight of anything, especially peaceful and happy things. He was the kind of person who enjoyed nothing more than wallowing in misery and drowning himself in the tainted ways of sapient beings, but instead of writing poems about such things he preferred to express his disgust in consumption of numerous alcoholic beverages. Unfortunately for Jack, he didn’t have any kind of alcohol at hand right now, although he really wished he would. Being turned into a pony had put him into a real drinking mood.

Yet with the lack of any intoxicating liquids, Jack had to settle for a deep, disgusted sigh before turning away and starting to look for his teammates. Just like the minute before, they were nowhere to be found. That was no surprise, seeing how the brown-coated stallion that had once been a man somewhere in his forties had not moved any considerable distance since his last attempt to look around. Enthusiasm and doing more work than necessary was not one of Jack’s strong points. Getting the job barely done with the least amount of effort however, definitely was. It wasn’t a problem of laziness. Jack just disliked working more than he should.
He disliked a lot of things.

Before Jack’s thoughts could wander any more in the direction of listing off what he didn’t like and what he really loathed however, the forest exploded.

It was a small and very contained explosion, only uprooting one tree and cracking about two others, not even noticeable from up above. Considering that it was achieved by a viking punching a bear though, it was a somewhat impressive demonstration of brute strength.

it wasn’t easy to discern the hulking stallion’s northern ancestry, but the unusual thickness of his buff-colored coat, the length and unsubduedness of his likewise colored mane and his bulging muscles were giving at least some kind of direction for one’s suspicion to wander.

“God, I need a drink”, Jack murmured to himself as the bear crashed down beside him. The muscle-bound giant of a pony jumped on top of the unconscious animal and let out a victorious laugh.

“Ha! Well fought, brave beast! I hope our fists cross again one day! May-”

“Hooves, Baldur.”

“What?” The giant looked confused, staring at Jack with incomprehension. Jack gave an annoyed sigh.

“It’s hooves, Baldur. Ponies don’t have fists, they have hooves. And neither have bears, for that matter.”

“Hooves?” Another annoyed sigh.

“Fists, Baldur. They also don’t have fists.” The giant called Baldur looked very disappointed at that. “Oh”, was all he said. He looked down upon the knocked-out bear, contemplating the sight. A thoughtful expression wandered over his face, melancholy entering his eyes when he turned to the other pony.

“So...no fistfights?” Jack closed his eyes and silently counted to ten.

“Sure, whatever. Just get down from the bear.” Obedient as a schoolboy towards his teacher, Baldur complied without complaining. He jumped off the bear with a slight hop, eliciting a sound which suggested that the bear’s ribcage had received an unhealthy rearranging, before landing with a thundering rumble on the ground.

Well, that was one down. Only four more to go, plus two criminals to capture. Then, Jack would finally be able to have his wish fulfilled. “Alright, Baldur, have you seen any of the others?”

“Erm...,”

“Right, too busy punching bears.” Jack rolled his eyes and turned away. He wished he could lament that the first teammate he had found was useless, but he couldn’t. After all, his entire team was useless.

Ignoring the distraught viking stallion behind him, Jack surveyed the forest in front of him. A minute later, he wished he hadn’t.

Apart from its usual, life-affirming, impressionistic scenery, the forest had acquired two additions: a ninja and a cyborg.

“Nin! Nin nin nin!,” uttered the pony completely wrapped into black cloth, pointing accusingly at his opposite.

“Illogical. I have no data on eliminating any beings that match the specification ‘sensei’,” replied the cyborg. His entire body was formed out of metal plates, bolts clearly joining them together and whenever the cyborg shifted his position, a soft mechanical whirr could be heard. The only part of his body that was still organic was his face, only his right eye replaced by red-glowing robot eye.

The ninja was clearly not satisfied with this answer, his indignation visible through the small streak that left his eyes uncovered. His forehoof reached up to the hilt of a sword which was resting in a sheath on his back.

Upon this motion, the cyborg lifted his forehoof as well, pointing it at the ninja. Another mechanical whirr could be heard, this time louder than usual, and the hoof opened up into a cannon.

“Threat detected. Activating self-defense program.”

“Nin!”

“You gotta be fucking kidding me,” groaned Jack, before he stepped up. “Hey, you guys, stand down, goddamnit!” Surprised at this sudden interruption, the ninja and the cyborg lowered their hooves and turned their heads.

“Commander!”

“Nin!”

“What the fuck is going on? Oh wait,” he added just when the cyborg opened his mouth to answer, “I don’t care! Get your shit together, I really don’t have the patience with dragging your sorry-ass carcasses through this forest, just to get picked up again!”

“Actually, Commander--,” began the metal construct, only to be interrupted again.

“I said I don’t care! We’re here because the Bureau sent us to deal with the anomalies. So let’s get to it! Now, Cyborg! Where the fuck are we supposed to go?!”

“Our target destination is 5 miles to the east, further instructions are received at the arrival,” answered the cyborg called Cyborg. Jack nodded.

“Right then, let’s go.”

“Negative.” Jack halted in the middle of a step and turned his head, staring at Cyborg in disbelief.

“Excuse me?”

“Negative, Commander,” repeated Cyborg and the ninja nodded affirmingly. Jack stared at them both.

“Why the fuck not?”

“Nin,” explained the ninja gravely.

“What’s that supposed to mean, ‘we’re surrounded’?” The ninja shrugged with his shoulders.

“Nin nin.”

“I detect 70 hostiles in our immediate surroundings.” Jack stared at Cyborg, completely robbed of words. Fortunately, Baldur helped him out of the shock.

“By Thor’s mighty beard! We’re surrounded!” Jack turned around to the hulking viking, who slowly walked backwards, staring into the forest. At first, Jack didn’t see what Baldur was staring at. All he saw was a strange white blanket covering the entire ground around them. Then he realized that it wasn’t a blanket but instead a large group of small white animals. Rabbits, to be exact. Jack’s eyes widened in disbelief and then he sighed. He didn’t get paid enough for this.

“Alright, what the fuck is going on with those rabbits?”

“Those are the hostiles.”

“Hosti-- they’re fucking rabbits, you big piece of metal junk!” A loud snap sounded. Jack turned his infuriated gaze from Cyborg to the rabbits, from where the sound had come from. Apparently, those rabbits either understood him and wanted to establish their dominance or they were unusually aggressive. Either way, one of them had broken the bear’s neck and now looked at Jack. It ran its paw across its throat when it caught his stare.

“You can not be fucking serious,” whispered Jack, unable to take his eyes of the horde of bloodthirsty rabbits.

“Nin.”

“Oh really? Thanks for clarifying that, I wasn’t able to tell that these rabbits have the intent to kill!,” hissed the team leader in a mix of terror and fury.

“No! Ser Bear! Gah, these fluffy bastards shall pay for taking your life! I say we slaughter them all!”

“The probability of us surviving a direct confrontation is 0 percent,” clarified Cyborg with a calm voice.

“Are you shitting me?!” Jack’s exclamation was met with Cyborg’s calm gaze and a raised eyebrow.

“My calculations are accurate 99.76 percent of the time.” Jack’s fright was overpowered by his fury at these words. He turned towards Cyborg and gripped his head with both his forehooves, dragging it in front of his face.

“How in god’s fucking hell did you not notice a horde of killer rabbits coming towards us?!”

“Their stealth systems were activated.” Jack looked at the rabbits again. Blood was dripping out of the dead bear’s mouth by now. The one that had broken its neck had started to dip its paws into the deep-red fluid and paint its face with it.

Jack turned back to Cyborg. “You tell me I should just accept my death because your radar is too shitty to pick up 70 killer rabbits?!”

“Negative.”

“What?!”

“Acceptance of death is not necessary, Commander. If demanded, I can use my short-distance teleport to transport us to safety,” Cyborg clarified.

“Then why the hell didn’t you use it already?!”

“You hadn’t given the order to do so, Commander.”

“You goddamn--” Yet Cyborg should never know what kind of a damned creature he was. Baldur, enraged over the loss of his dear friend Ser Bear, couldn’t bear to see his death unavenged any longer. Rising up to his back legs and thrusting his fore hooves into the air, he gave a thundering roar. His forehooves slammed onto the ground and he thrust himself forward, a muscle-bound pony made missile that aimed straight for the horde of rabbits.

Jack didn’t like a lot of things. Losing a teammate counted among them. His eyes widening in panic as horrific visions of a flood of paperwork appeared in his mind and he slammed his hoof against Cyborg’s chest, yelling in alarm: “Do it! Do it!”

“Confirmed.” The air around Cyborg began to crackle, flashes of electricity appearing all over his body. Soon, the flashes’ arches began to grow wider and wider, their other ends attaching themselves first to Jack, Nin, and finally Baldur, grabbing him out of mid-run. There was a sudden flash and a booming sound, the whole world turned white. When the light faded, the group of four had disappeared, only a charred circle left where Cyborg had stood.

There was much to be done and Twilight barely had any time for it. Although the sun had just risen over Ponyville, impatience had already taken hold of the lavender unicorn. She paced back and forth, impatiently wiggling the quill in her magical grasp as she passed the table again and again. A list had to be compiled with utmost care, after all, but it also took away a lot of the time Twilight could spend with finishing the things she compiled the list for. Yet she didn’t dare rush it. What if she forgot something in her haste? Then all of this list would be for nothing.

Luckily, a sudden realization struck her and with a satisfied smile, she wrote another item on the list: make sure all library books are correctly shelved. She allowed herself a brief moment to admire this point and congratulating herself for remembering it. This was, after all, very important. It was the quintessence of a library, tidiness. Without it, how was one supposed to find the book one was looking for?

She was so satisfied with this spark of inspiration that she did not notice the rumbling until it shook the wooden horse head sculpture. Surprised, Twilight dropped her quill and grasped at the sculpture to steady it. Just when she had secured it, however, the rumbling reached the bookshelves, shaking their content precariously. Shocked and terrified at the sight of her orderly library becoming messy, Twilight tried her best to protect her sanctuary. She caught one book, then two, three, four. Then, when the fifth one fell, a crackling came to the rumbling and suddenly, a flash of electricity appeared in front of Twilight. Then another and then a third and soon, the entire library was cast in a web of lightning bolts, dancing on the spot as if in giddy excitement.

Twilight could barely raise an eyebrow at this, when the flash of light hit. She yelled in surprise, closing her eyes and losing the control over her magic when a flood of white light filled the room. Golden Oak Library lit up like a christmas tree from the outside, its windows flashing brightly for a brief moment. When it passed, however, the light receded and in a matter of seconds, everything had returned to normal.

Except for Twilight and the inside of the library, of course. When she opened her eyes, devastation met her gaze. Books strewn all about, even the sculpture had fallen. Twilight’s shoulders slumped, until a collection of unknown voices made her jump in surprise.

“Fuck, I’m blind!”

“Unlikely, the illumination has been put at a level that is only slightly damaging to the eye.”

“Nin! Nin nin nin, nin!”

“Chaaaarge! For Ser Bear!” The very next moment, a heavy impact followed and the crushing of wood could be heard. Twilight spun around, only to stare at the scene in disbelief.

Four strangers stood in her library. One of them, a hulking earth pony stallion that seemed capable of overshadowing even Big Mac, was busy with dislodging himself out of the wall he had caved in, as well as the shelf that had stood in front of it, until he had smashed it into little pieces with his own body. The other three stood a little bit away from him, but their sight was not any less strange. One of them was a pony of unknown tribe, clad completely in black cloth. The pony’s features were completely hidden, not even the gender could be discerned. Only the eyes were visible, but what caught more attention was the fact that the pony carried two small swords around with it, one on the back and the other attached to the hip.

The next one was even stranger. His gender was discernible, but only through his facial features. His entire body seemed to be made out of metal plates and mechanical limbs. A slight swirr could be heard whenever he moved and his right eye was a red, glowing streak. Even his unicorn horn was made of steel. Only one of them seemed to be a normal pony. He was an earth pony with a brown coat and black hair, both his mane and tail cut very short. A cigarette was between his lips and seemed in the real danger of being bitten in two, since he gnashed his teeth while glaring at the metal unicorn.

“How about you try ‘not damaging at all’ next time?! And while we’re on the subject of next time: next time, you just fucking do what is useful and teleport us away from anything that tries to kill us and we can’t kill, capiche?!”

“I have not received the software update to make these kind of decisions.”

“Nin nin.” The metal unicorn looked quizzically at the cloaked figure.

“Illogical. A heart can give no direction, it only serves to pump blood. Following it is akin to following one’s nose.”

“Where are they?! Where are the cowardly bastards?!” Wood planks hit the ground when the giant finally escaped his self-made prison and surveyed the room with a furious gaze. Because of that, his eyes inevitably found Twilight.

“Wench!” The lavender unicorn flinched at the thundering voice, still shell-shocked by all of this.

“Where are they?!”

“Wh-who?,” Twilight asked, her eyes widened by fright as she stared up to the hulking stallion.

“Don’t protect them! They may look fluffy, but they have no honor! Their blood shall be spilled! For Ser Bear!”

“Wh-what?”

“Aw, great, and who the fuck is this?” Twilight turned her head and saw the brown earth pony, staring at her angrily as if she was to blame for all of this. Involuntarily, Twilight furrowed her brow.

“My name is Twilight Sparkle, and you should really watch your mouth, sir--”

“Right, I don’t have time for this shit. Cyborg.”

“Commander?”

“Stunphasers.”

“Understood, Commander.” Twilight had no idea what they were talking about. She only saw the metal unicorn raise his right front leg, point his hoof at her and suddenly, a bright light flashed. Then she lost consciousness.

“Odin’s eye! You killed her!” Baldur gasped when Twilight hit the ground.

“What? No!” Jack denied. He turned to Cyborg. “She’s not dead, right?”

“Affirmative, Commander. Shall we correct that?” Cyborg asked, raising his weaponized hoof. Already, a whirring sound could be heard and the metal plates around the opening started to shift.

“What? No!” Jack repeated himself. “I already got enough problems, a dead woman ain’t gonna be one of them!”

“The correct term would be ‘mare’, Commander.”

“As if I give a fuck.”

“I advise you should. Blending into alien society is best achieved by adopting their customs and terminology--”

“Wench! Can you hear me?! Answer me!” Baldur’s booming voice drowned out Cyborg’s explanation about blending in. The viking had apparently not paid much attention to Jack’s words and had now grabbed the lavender unicorn at her shoulders, shaking her furiously.

“Knock it off, Baldur,” Jack reprimanded him, worriedly watching the unicorn’s head get flung back and forth, “you’ll break her neck if you keep it up. And if that happens, I will have you deal with the following bureaucratic shitstorm.”

Baldur gave Jack a confused look at the word ‘bureaucratic’, but did as he was told and stopped his waking efforts. He carefully put Twilight on the floor again and then turned back to the other three.

“Right then,” Jack said, giving his team a stern look, “is everyone ready?” They nodded. Jack nodded back. “Good. Now, Cyborg, what about those instructions?”

“At once, Commander,” answered Cyborg. Immediately, his red eye turned neon green as it was accompanied by a soft hum. Then a beam shot out of it, forming a cone of green light on the ground between the four once-not-ponies. They waited for a moment, and then a pony figure appeared in the green light.

“Commander Jack,” the figure greeted them, its voice distorted by static. The image itself wasn’t all too clear either, the figure flickered in and out of existence every few seconds, and its features melted into the green light that surrounded it. “Welcome to Equestria.”

“Err, thank you, Sir,” Jack replied, eyeing the figure confusedly. He leaned towards Cyborg. “Why’s he a pony?” he whispered.

“Unusually strong morphic fields are causing heavy interference with the signal, Commander. It is unavoidable,” explained Cyborg.

“Nin ni--”

“It’s NOT magic!” Everyone in the room, except the unconscious unicorn, drew back at Cyborg’s explosive reaction. He blinked. “I apologize. My core programming reacts violently to non-scientific explanations.”

“Is there a problem?” The figure’s distorted voice brought everyone’s attention back to the hologram.

“No no, not at all, Sir,” Jack hastily replied, waving his hoof back and forth in assurance.

The pony figure nodded. “Good. Then let’s proceed.” The figure set itself upright. “About 3 intergalactical clicks prior, we detected a breach in the interdimensional containment shield M/12/16-M/16. One biological life form illegally crossed over from dimension cluster M/16 to M/12/16 and is now hiding close to your position. The illegal immigrant is confirmed to be unarmed, but nonetheless dangerous and highly reproductive. The Bureau wants you to find the immigrant and eliminate any kind of threat he could pose to this dimension cluster’s integrity.” The pony figure then turned to Jack. “This will be your final assignment as an active field agent, Commander. Happy hunting.”

With this, the figure disintegrated and the cone of green light disappeared as Cyborg’s eye turned to its normal, menacing red again.

Jack smiled. “Alright then! We got our orders, let’s get to it!” Having the confirmation from higher up had given him a boost. Finally, after this mission. Only this one mission, and he would gain what he wanted, more than anything in the world.

“Twilight?”

Jack froze up immediately. Everything inside his head screamed not to turn around, but curiosity was a cruel mistress. Every single vertebra in his neck cracked as slowly, so very slowly, Jack turned his head against his better judgement, to face this new threat to a smooth retirement. It was a purple, upright walking lizard.

“Twilight, c’mon. You gotta get up.” the lizard softly shoved the unicorn’s motionless body, his hands trembling as he stared at the unconscious mare.

“Twilight, don’t do this to me. C’mon, you’re so strong. You gotta... you just gotta...,” the lizard pleaded with a voice Jack presumed to be male. He had been wrong about this kind of thing before though.

“Cyborg, that thing’s a dude, right?” Jack whispered, leaning towards the steel-stallion as tears started to form in the lizard’s eyes.

“Affirmative, Commander,” affirmed Cyborg with a flash of his robotic eye. “draconis vulgaris, approximately elementary school age, and male.”

“Dragon?” A low grumble went through the library. The young dragon looked up shock, tears still streaming down his cheeks as he mourned for the apparent passing of his beloved older sister. The pony giant that had turned his back to him until now, was now facing him. His expression was threatening, a mad gleam in his eyes. “This is... a dragon?”

Something about how Baldur pronounced ‘dragon’ didn’t give Jack a good feeling. “Err, I suppose. Cyborg says it’s only a baby though.”

“small child, Commander,” corrected Cyborg.

“Whatever, they both annoy the piss out of me. Anyway, Baldur--” but Jack should never get further.

The little baby dragon suddenly leapt up and pointed accusingly towards Baldur, bitter tears rolling to his chin and snot dripping from his nose. “You hurt Twilight! You... you killed her! You monster!”

Before anyone else could act, Spike breathed deeply, and then exhaled with righteous fury, emerald flames coming forth from his lips, licking hungrily at the viking pony. They lightly singed the fur on his right foreleg.

Jack exhaled in relief, but his ease should be short-lived for a strange light began to glow in Baldur’s eyes. “It is a dragon!” A broad grin appeared on his face and his eyes widened in hysteric happiness. “Finally! A beast worthy to be slain!”

Not only Jack was bewildered by Baldur’s choice of words. Spike, left by his brief bravado, took a step back - and then leapt when a enormous hoof sped towards him, smashing the floor to bits where he had stood just moments ago. Baldur pulled his leg back, but the motion he willed was not the motion that happened. His hoof was stuck in the hole he had punched.

For a heartbeat, Spike and Baldur looked at each other. Then, finally overcome by sense (or at least fear), Spike turned around and ran as fast as his short legs allowed him.

“Remain here, fiery lizard!” hollered Baldur, ripped his hoof out of the hole and jumped after him. The huge shadow falling over him warned Spike of the once more impending danger and hastily, he threw himself to the side upon which Baldur impacted on the floor with a loud wham!

Not waiting to see if he was safe, Spike kept on running, through the door and slammed it shut behind him, before the pitter-patter of tiny feet told Jack and the others that he ran further.

“No! Your teeth and scale shall be mine!” howled the massive viking, jumped up on all of his four and ran after the baby dragon. Jack opened his mouth, but he was too late, and one loud impact later, a hole in the door was the only thing left behind by Baldur in this room.

“Aw shit,” Jack growled.

“Shall we take up pursuit, Commander?” Cyborg inquired.

“We better, or this crazy viking is going to skin this little lizard alive. And I don’t want to sign papers for transferring equipment gained during a field job to personal possessions.” Jack sighed as he walked towards the door. “I can already tell, this is gonna be one shitty final job,” he mumbled to himself.

Chapter 2: In Which Everyone Just Wastes Time

Fluttershy was at home, cleaning the birds’ nests. Most would regard this as a choir, but Fluttershy enjoyed doing those little tasks for her animal friends. It helped her relax and was filling the more uneventful hours of her quiet days. In a sense, her choirs had become her hobbies during her free time, effectively eliminating any necessity to relax from her own work. It was a very useful work attitude, especially considering that Fluttershy almost had no time off. There was always something to do around her cottage and concerning her animal friends.

Case in point was Angel, her white rabbit companion. He stood in the middle of the room, impatiently tapping with his left foot as he looked up at the hovering Fluttershy who was carefully tending to a cuckoo’s nest. Not sharing Fluttershy’s relaxed mood, he loudly cleared his throat in demand for attention.

“In a minute, Angel,” Fluttershy gently replied, not taking her eyes from the nest as she picked up broken egg shells, fluff and dried-up excrements out of it to deploy them in a basket she carried with her other forehoof. Angel gave an impatient sound as answer, but didn’t push any further. He knew better than to provoke Fluttershy into using her stare, just because he was hungry. Besides, it wasn’t like he enjoyed making problems for the yellow pegasus... most of the time.

Trying his best to be patient, Angel looked around the room and then decided to go to the window, the next best thing the bunny rabbit had for a television. With a few skips and one high hop, Angel landed on the window board and regarded the scenery. He found it to be immensely non-stimulating. The lack of a cathode ray tube proved to be more fatal to his quest for distraction than he had anticipated.

Angel gave a bored sigh and had already halfway turned around, when movement on the other side of the non-flickering glass caught his attention. He turned back, his ears lifted in curiosity as he looked outside again. The movement was very far away, barely anything more than a speck in the distance, but it came closer quickly. Angel narrowed his eyes, putting a paw above them as a shield against the glaring of the sun while he intently spied through the window into the distance.

It took him a few moments to recognize Spike. Angel blinked. What was that purple baby dragon doing here? After all, the library and Fluttershy’s cottage weren’t exactly in the same neighborhood. It was also unusual for him to be without Twilight. Angel narrowed his eyes again. Didn’t the purple dragon seem rather distraught?

“What’s going on, Angel?” Angel turned around. Fluttershy had come down from the nests, put the basket down and walked over to Angel, looking through the window as well. She cocked her head. “Isn’t that Spike? What’s he doing here without Twilight?”

Angel raised his forepaws in the air and shrugged. He didn’t have enough food in his tummy to think about stuff like that. The thought of food reminded the bunny rabbit why he was sitting in front of the window in the first place. Immediately, he jumped down and prodded Fluttershy’s hoof, looking up to her pleadingly.

“Oh, right, you’re hungry, aren’t you?” Angel nodded, his bottom lip trembling pleadingly. Fluttershy sighed. “Oh dear. You poor thing must be starving--”

Loud and unrelenting knocking from the door cut Fluttershy off. The yellow pegasus looked up, pondered for a moment, and then looked down at Angel again. “I’m sorry, Angel, just wait a little while longer.”

It was Fluttershy immediately turning away that kept her from seeing Angel’s pleading expression drop off his face like a mask, revealing the frustration that lay below it. Angrily he stared at Fluttershy as she unlocked the door. He wanted his salad, now! Quickly he hopped after Fluttershy to give his owner a piece of his mind - when the door suddenly swung open and hit the bunny rabbit squarely in the face.

Fluttershy briefly looked towards where the door had crashed against the wall, but soon her attention was taken up by Spike, who stood in the frame with tears streaming down his face and his eyes swollen and red. He sniffed loudly, pulling up a thick drop of snot. “Fluttershy! They... they killed Twilight!”

“What?” Fluttershy’s question was more based on surprise than consternation. She stared at Spike in disbelief, having difficulties to actually comprehend his words. “Spike, are you alright?”

“They did it! They killed Twilight! I saw it!” Spike hollered, a new torrent of tears exploding from his eyes. Loudly crying, he walked inside, blathering on. “And then there was this huge stallion, he looked at me so weird and I was just, just so angry, and he looked at me and I spat fire at him, but he didn’t care and he grinned and just looked at me, and then there was this one pony who was completely made out of metal, and he--”

“Oh dear. Spike, um, just calm down... please?” Fluttershy had no idea what the little baby dragon was going on about, but he was completely distraught. She softly closed the door, too distracted by Spike to see Angel slump down from the wall, revealing a perfectly bunny-shaped dent in it. “Why don’t you... go upstairs? Lay down for a bit and, um, we’ll talk later?”

“B-But, they killed Twi--” Suddenly, Fluttershy embraced Spike. “Shhh, it’s alright,” she said, softly rocking the baby dragon back and forth. She honestly had no idea what she was doing, but it seemed to be the best reaction to Spike’s panic. Surprisingly, it seemed to work. Spike’s sobs grew quieter and although they didn’t disappear completely, at least his incoherent rambling did.

Relieved by the baby dragon calmed down, Fluttershy let him go, put her forehooves in his shoulders and looked him in the eye. “Now, why don’t you go upstairs and just lay down for a bit? I’ll get the others in the meantime and then we can see what’s going on. Okay?”

“Okay,” Spike sniveled, nodded to confirm his affirmation, and then turned around to slowly go up the stairs. When the door upstairs closed, Fluttershy gave a sigh of relief. That had been quite the surprise. Whatever could have put Spike in such distraught? His cries, that Twilight was killed, had shocked Fluttershy, but she couldn’t honestly believe that. This was Twilight they were talking about here! How could anypony honestly believe that she would just up and die?

Angel, meanwhile, felt like he was just about to do that very thing. Every part of his body hurt, his bones creaked and his head throbbed painfully. Every movement let him feel new pains in areas the bunny rabbit hadn’t even known he could feel things. Slowly, he rose himself up, trying to avoid any pain as possible. Not that Spike would be able to do the same. That damn baby dragon was gonna get it! As soon as he could get up there, Angel would show this scaley purple punk just who he was messing--

And then the wall behind Angel exploded. The bunny rabbit could only give a yelp of surprise, before a huge piece of wall crashed down on him, followed by a gigantic hoof. Fluttershy turned around in surprise, crying out in shock as she stared in the hole of her cottage’s wall. A gigantic stallion, musclebound and furious, stood inside it, his gaze scouring the place. His shoulders heaved with every breath and there was a dangerous fire in his eyes.

Elsewhere, Cyborg zapped Twilight back to consciousness. The revived unicorn gasped in immediate response, greedily sucking in all the air she could take in. This proved to be not a smart move as directly after, she bent over in a coughing fit.

“Wakey-wakey, lady,” Jack said as he watched Twilight wriggle on the ground, caught between fits of coughing and exhausted wheezing. “It's time for a game of 40 questions.”

“I... W-what?” Twilight looked up at the strangers through the tears in her eyes. For a moment, she just looked at them confusedly. Then her memories returned and somehow, Twilight managed to squeeze a shocked gasp between the coughing and wheezing. “Y-you!”

“Yes, yes, me, us, you, the whole shabam.” Jack rolled his eyes and then knelt in front of Twilight's face. “Let's skip the whole introduction thingy, 'kay? Where's your dragon?”

“D-dragon?” Twilight wheezed, her breathing slowly becoming calmer. “Spike?”

Jack shrugged. “Sure, let's call him that. Now, Sunshine, where did he run off to?”

“My na--” Twilight coughed, but that did not affect the rebellious look in her eyes. “My name... is Twilight.”

“Like I give a shit. Again, where's that dragon?”

Twilight opened her mouth, then paused and furrowed her brow. “Where? He's gone?”

“Yes, thanks for catching up,” Jack answered, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Your playpet appeared out of I don't care where, saw you, had a crying fit, spit a bit of fire at my buddy and then ran off – and my squad member with him. Now, where the hell did that dragon run to?”

Still confused by all of this, Twilight stared at Jack, unsure whether to nod, shake her head, or headbutt this stallion. “I... I have no idea.” Something clicked in her head. “And he's not my playpet!”

Jack, however, had already stood up and turned to the others. “Well, that was pointless. Cyborg, stun her again.” Twilight's eyes were quickly redirected from the stallion's back, as the pony made almost completely out of steel began walking towards her. The sounds coming from his raised hoof caused Twilight to slowly crawl back.

Suddenly, the third pony spoke up. “Nin. Nin, ninin. Nin nin ninin nininin.” It was lucky for Twilight that the steel stallion halted his movement, because she herself could only stare at the pony completely clad in black.

“What? That's a stupid idea.” Twilight's stare wandered to the rude stallion.

“Actually, the theory is quite sound, Commander.” Now Twilight found herself looking at the steel pony. Her mouth opened, but no sounds would come out of it.

At last, something comprehensive made it past her lips. “What?”

“Since when the fuck do you have an own opinion, tin can?” Jack ignored Twilight's question completely.

“I do not. However, Nin's theory is scientifically plausible. My scanners pick up a resonance between this specimen and the morphic field in the atmosphere. If we are to assume she could manipulate the morphic field to tap into the local leylines, then it is very likely that she should be able to use her emotional connection towards the child draconus vulgaris to fold space-time for a relocation of either herself or it.”

“What?” Twilight asked for a second time.

“Soo... you're saying she can beam herself and us to Purple Scales and through that we'll be able to intercept Baldur on his mad hunt for dragonskin?”

“What?” Now Twilight sounded quite alarmed.

“Possibly so. It may even be possible to transport ourselves to the draconus vulgaris' location, regardless of its condition. So even if Baldur already succeeded in killing it, we could land right at the corpse and re-obtain the viking.”

“What?!”

“Well then, problem solved!” Jack gave a satisfied nod.

“One question though, Commander?”

“Yeah?”

“Was it necessary to do this in public?” Jack looked around. Standing in the middle of a crossroad, the group was the center of countless ponies' attention. They all stared at them in disbelief, shock, several shades of fear and sometimes a hint of arousal. Jack turned back to Cyborg and shrugged.

“Meh. Sometimes you gotta improvise.” Cyborg nodded calmly while his processors were running hot with the attempt to twist this answer into an acceptable explanation. Suddenly, Nin pointed at Twilight.

“Nin!”

Cyborg and Jack turned their head. Twilight had apparently decided to take care of matters herself and had risen up to her hooves. Her eyes were closed, her teeth gritted, and, most importantly, her horn was glowing brightly.

“I suppose that's her tapping into the local leylines?” Jack asked as he gingerly pointed at the lavender unicorn.

“Affirmative, Commander.”

“Aw fuck,” Jack sighed in response. The very next moment, he jumped forward. “Alright you two, grab at something!”

“Understood, Commander,” Cyborg replied and grabbed the librarian's tail.

“Nin?” Nin inquired as he slid towards Twilight and grabbed her left forehoof with both legs.

“Simple, really. We're gonna ride a unicorn!” Jack grinned and locked his forehooves around Twilight's neck. Twilight didn't seem to mind, or even notice for that matter. Her face was contorted in concentration and her horn glowing brighter by the second, started to pulsate – and with a flash, all four ponies had disappeared from the crossroad in the middle of Ponyville.

Only to reappear at the door of Fluttershy's cottage. With a bright flash, Twilight and her uninvited company stepped back into reality.

“Aw shit, my eyes! Again!” Twilight tore open her eyes and turned her head towards the familiar and unwanted voice.

“What are you doing here?” She asked incredulously as she stared at Jack who rubbed his eyes with right hoof, his left leg still draped over her neck.

“Taking advantage of you to find my squad member which I lost thanks to your dragon.”

“My dra-- you're BLAMING me?” Twilight could hardly believe it. “You knocked me unconscious!”

“Actually, Miss Twilight Sparkle,” Cyborg spoke up from behind her, “you were hit with an energy pulse which is designed to overload your sensory input and therefore temporarily shut down your higher cognitive functions.”

Twilight now stared at him. “What?”

There was a hint of pride when Cyborg answered. “It is much more sophisticated than a simple knock out.”

Twilight just kept staring at him. Soon, however, she reminded herself that there were other matters she needed to attend to. She leaned forward, tried to raise her hoof, and noticed that she was unable to do so. She looked down.

Still clinging at her leg, Nin looked up to her. His eyes had a serious expression in them, as he slightly squeezed Twilight's leg, nodded and breathed in before uttering his next words. “Nin.”

Twilight tore her leg away from him and rammed her hoof on his face as she walked past him.

“Can't say he didn't have it coming. That really was just lewd,” Jack grumbled. Ignoring him and the knocked-out ninja behind her, Twilight raised her hoof and knocked on Fluttershy's door. As she waited, she tried her best to stay calm. Alright, no reason to freak out. Just because you're suddenly surrounded by three strangers who zap you and then un-zap you, and talk about Spike could be dead doesn't mean that he actually is. It's not like this is frighteningly real for it to be a dream and these ponies are doing their best to freak you out and this is getting really strange and I think I'm panicking, oh Celestia, I think I'm going crazy--

“Twilight?” The lavender unicorn looked up and saw Fluttershy in the door frame. The yellow pegasus gave a relieved smile. “It's you, Twilight! I knew that Spike must have just been in too much panic to understand what was happening.”

“Spike!” The mention of her number one assistant reminded Twilight of why she was here. “Is he here? Is he alright? Did he get hurt?”

Fluttershy raised a hoof to stem the flood of questions. “He's okay. Just a bit shook up, the poor. He's resting upstairs right now.”

Relief swept over Twilight, carrying away any anxiety and worry that had buzzed inside her. Spike was okay, there was no reason to be upset.

“Yay, hurray for Purple Scales! Can we get on with it now?” Well, one reason less to be upset. Twilight rolled her eyes and shot a withering look towards Jack, who completely ignored her. “So, toots,” he said.

Fluttershy blinked and looked at him. “Um, do you mean me?”

“No, I was talking to this particularly lovely hole in the wall.” Jack rolled his eyes “Of course you, you vapid--”

“Fair Maiden!” A boisterous voice exploded from inside the cottage, ripping the rest of the sentence away from Jack's lips and carrying it deep into the forest where it remained unheard by innocent pony ears. Looking unexpectedly unsurprised, Fluttershy turned around at the call, Twilight looking over her shoulder while the three others spied through the hole in the wall.

Sitting at a small table in the corner of the room was Baldur. Although the chair creaked worryingly under him, Baldur seemed to have found just the right way to contribute his weight across the wooden construct to keep it from breaking apart under him. The table in front of him was draped with a white, ornate sheet and on top of it stood a quaint tea pot, surrounded by fragile looking white cups.

“This drink!” Baldur exclaimed, raising one of the cups. “I like it!” Baldur raised the cup even further, and then threw it down on the ground, shattering it into million pieces. “Another!” He didn't take note that one shard jumped up another time and leaped into Angel's salad. The bunny rabbit curled its lips, yet remained unable to do anything about it since every single one of his limbs was restricted by several layers of bandages.

“In a moment, Baldur,” Fluttershy answered with a gentle smile. “In the meantime, could you make sure that Angel eats his salad? He's sometimes so picky.” The bunny rabbit shot a disbelieving glance in her direction. He tried to wriggle his arms, to no avail, his face expressing only one question: How the hell am I supposed to eat by myself like this?

“As you wish! I shall make the rabbit eat his greenery!”

“Um, Fluttershy?” Twilight asked. Fluttershy turned around as Baldur rose up from his seat, his forehooves crashing into the floor with a thunderous noise. “Who is this?”

“Oh, that's Baldur.” Fluttershy smiled gently, while in the background, Baldur picked up the spoon from the salad bowl and offered it to Angel, who refused to open his mouth. The giant viking didn't take not that an unusual white piece was shimmering between the green leaves on the spoon. “he's a very nice stallion.”

“Really?” Twilight looked past Fluttershy to watch Baldur impatiently prod Angel with the spoon, while Angel turned his head away more and more, annoyance and fear mirroring on his expression. “He seems kind of... strange.”

“Oh, I understand what you mean,” Fluttershy nodded. Baldur now grabbed Angel's head with his hoof, turned it back and rose the spoon up. Angel gave a frightful cry, trying to shake his head violently, but couldn't escape Baldur's grasp. A broad grin was on the viking stallion's lips as he let the spoon shoot forward, straight towards Angel's head. It escaped his attention, which was solely focused on Angel's terrified expression, that a shard of porcelain fell from the spoon, just seconds before it was jammed into the rabbit's mouth. “But trust me, once you get to know him, you'll see he has some nice qualities.”

“Sounds like code for 'I want his dick' to me,” Jack grumbled.

Fluttershy's wings rose up immediately in response. Her head snapped to the right. “What?” She asked with a high-pitch voice.

“Relax, you're wing-bonering all over the place,” Jack snorted as he walked through the hole. “Hey, Baldur!”

Baldur turned his head, then grinned broadly. “Ah, Commander!” He ripped the spoon out of Angel's throat, causing the bunny rabbit to twitch quite unsettlingly.

The spoon dropped from his hoof and back into the bowl. It escaped once more Baldur's attention that a piece of porcelain was still hiding between the green leaves of salad, or he would have watched more carefully how the spoon hit the shard, causing it to fly high up into the air. Angel, who was still recovering from the violation of his throat, looked up and stared at the white piece of misfortune, his eyes widened in terror as the shard reached its peak and then suddenly accelerated back down, towards him. A high-pitched shriek wanted to escape the bunny rabbit's throat, but stuffed as it was with salad, only a soft mumbling came over his lips as he skidded backwards. Only a moment later, the shard buried itself into the floor, the very place Angel had been only seconds before.

Jack took notice of Angel's near-death experience. “What was the big idea, hm? Did you even think before running after that dragon? Or are you too retarded to do even that?”

Surprise lingered only briefly on Baldur's expression. The following anger made itself much more comfortable. Twilight watched as the musclebound giant slowly walked up to Jack, unsure as to what to feel about the prospect of the rude earth pony being the victim of violence.

Jack, meanwhile, didn't stop. Whether it was because of his confidence in his authority or because he had his eyes closed, Twilight couldn't tell. “I swear to God, everything you do causes nothing but trouble. Not that that makes you a special case in this collection of retards High Command calls my 'team', but that doesn't change that your incompetence annoys the piss out of me!”

Baldur started to walk faster, now a murderous shimmer appearing in his eyes, but still Jack didn't shut up.

“I know muscles are all you're good for, but at least learn to use them! Even Nin knows when to shut the fuck up, but you? You're just one big, retarded annoy--” Jack opened his eyes when a breeze rustled his mane. His jaw locked when he found out that the cause of said breeze was Baldur pulling back his left forehoof, a manic grin on his lips and a dangerous expression in his eyes.

“Oh shi--” Boom!

Jack hit the floor, just in the same moment Baldur's forehoof impacted with a white, furry form that had jumped up behind the commander. There was a loud crack, followed by one more as Baldur thrust his shoulder forward and twisted his foreleg. The furry thing immediately shot back and crashed against the cottage's wall, sticking there briefly, before it slowly slid to the ground, leaving a red trail behind.

“Ha! Devilish beast! This was for Ser Bear!” Baldur released a thundering laugh, then turned to the cowering Jack. “My apologies, Commander! I did not heed your words as I was too busy planning the enactment of my vengeance upon this wretched little thing.” Baldur raised his blood-covered hoof and tipped it thoughtfully against his chin. “I think you spoke of my performance in the team?”

“Uh... that's alright.”

“Really?” Baldur furrowed his brow and knelt in front of Jack. “I'd hate to be of hindrance.”

“Oh, I think that made more than up for all the trouble.” Jack gave a small, nervous laugh as he rose back up. Determined to let the discussion end there, he turned around and eyed his mysterious assailant. It was a rabbit. “Stubborn little bastards,” he mumbled.

“And getting rather serious about taking us out, too,” Cyborg added as he walked into the cottage. Nin, nodding in agreement, followed him.

Jack turned his head. “Took you long enough. What were you-- never mind,” he added as he saw Nin's and Cyborg's blood-soaked figures. “Did you take care of all of them?”

“Of the assailants, yes. But my scanners are picking up more hiding in the nearby woodwork.”

Jack sighed and massaged the bridge of his nose. “Alright, fair enough. Let's get started then. Cyborg, did you get the immigrant's DNA sent to you during the briefing?”

“I did, Commander.”

“Good. I want you to make a careful scan for any traces of it. Keep it in a 5 mile radius. Branch out for matches with lesser percentages as well, High Command said that the being was highly reproductive after all.”

“Understood, Commander.” Cyborg straightened his spine, his metal horn rotated slightly and his red eye flashed. A second later, a low humming sound came from the metal stallion.

Jack gave a satisfied nod. “Finally we're getting somewhere. Now if we could just not be interrupted for about five minutes, that'd be--”

“Um, excuse me?”

“... great.” With a rolling of his eyes, Jack turned around to face Fluttershy. The yellow pegasus gave her best to not stare too blatantly at the killed rabbit that leaned on her wall, or on the blood on Cyborg's metal skin and Nin's clothes. Instead, she tried to keep her gaze focused on Jack, which proved to be not that easy of a task since he was staring right back with an annoyed expression.

“Um, I don't mean to be rude, but... who are you ponies?”

“Yeah, I'd like to know that too!” Twilight added as she walked up to Fluttershy's side. The shock from watching Baldur punch a rabbit across the room seemed to have subsided from both mares enough to give room for confusion once more. Or in Twilight's case, angry demand for an explanation. “And what is going on here anyway?”

“Hmm, right. You guys have no idea, don't you?” Jack put a hoof up to his chin, looking as if deeply lost in thought. “How should I put this... ah yes! That's none of your business.”

Jack turned back to Cyborg, only to see Twilight appear before him with a flash. “None of my business? You knocked me unconscious and reanimated me in the middle of a street!”

“Didn't enjoy that half as much as I hoped, believe me that.”

“Your... whatever he is, ran after Spike and tried to kill him!”

“Fiendish son of Yggdrasil has escaped me, with the usage of darkest magic no doubt,” Baldur growled. Fluttershy shot a quick glance towards the ceiling.

“So, in short, you invaded my home, threatened my family, and kidnapped me for apparently nothing more than your perverse pleasure. And now, you're running around killing every rabbit in sight! So tell me one reason why I shouldn't turn you into an orange right here and now!”

The inside of the cottage fell silent. Only the low hum from Cyborg was audible, as Jack and Twilight stared at each other, the latter furious and breathing heavily in anger, the former apparently speechless and overwhelmed. At last, Jack found his voice again.

“What kind of fucked-up shit are you into?”

Twilight's face contorted impossibly as it tried to express anger and bewilderment at the same time. “What?”

“Turning others into oranges? Man, I've heard of all kinds of fetishes, but that really takes the cake.”

“I--”

“I mean, how do you even come up with that? You can't get there without some serious dedication to a really sick kink.”

“That's not--” A soft touch interrupted Twilight again. She looked to the side to see Nin, who had placed one of his blood-soaked hooves on her shoulder. Understanding shimmered in the cloaked pony's eyes and he nodded gravely when Twilight's gaze met his.

“Nin.”

“Now that,” Jack pointed towards Nin, “that is some good advice.”

The absurdity of the situation made Twilight's head swivel again, but she fought down the enclosing nervous breakdown with impatience. She shoved Nin's hoof away, trying to not mind the remaining bloodstain too much, and tried to speak up again.

“Listen here--” She didn't succeed.

“Are you mad, wench?” Baldur's voice boomed through the cottage. “We are not senseless slayers! Those furred beasts deserved the bloody death thrust upon them! Why, as evidence for our righteousness you only need regard--”

“Angel!” Fluttershy's cry turned the head of everypony, safe for Cyborg. The yellow pegasus stared at her animal companion in horror, her mouth agape. Either the shock of the sudden violence caused against his kind had made the bunny rabbit gasp or Baldur's invasive spoon had been jammed further than initially believed. In any case, Angel now lay on his back, his legs and arms twitching, while a green salad leaf was sticking half-way out of his mouth, his face having turned distinctively blue.

“Nin nin,” Nin mused as Fluttershy ran over to Angel's side.

“What? No, that's just silly,” replied Jack. Not listening to either of them, Fluttershy knelt beside Angel and softly raised his head with a hoof.

“Angel, dear. Can you hear me?” She didn't get a reply, safe for a desperate gasp that sucked the salad leaf in even further.

“I think that's a 'no'. Then again, I don't speak 'dying rabbit' so what do I know.” Jack shrugged. Twilight, who had watched Angel worriedly, turned her head. She opened her mouth, without a doubt to rebuke the rude earth pony, but Fluttershy was quicker.

“Please! You have to help him!” She looked at the three strangers pleadingly, tears shimmering in the corners of her eyes. Nin and Baldur looked at Jack. Jack shrugged again.

“I don't see what we can do to help.” Twilight drew her head back in surprise, when he looked at Fluttershy tenderly and smiled gently. “Sometimes, you just have to let go. Sometimes, life just happens.”

“Nin.”

“And giant vikings that choke your bunny rabbit with a spoon full of salad.” Fluttershy stared at them, desperation and tears dancing in her eyes.

“Angel...” she mournfully whispered, rocking the bunny rabbit softly in her arms. Twilight had to suppress a sad snivel and walked up to her trusted friend, putting a hoof on her shoulder.

“Commander.” Cyborg's even voice tore Jack's gaze from the sad scenery. He sighed in relief when he saw that the steel stallion had regained his attention for the surrounding scenery again.

“All right, Cyborg, what do you have?”

“I detected the immigrant's DNA structure. However, I also have to confirm your suspicion. There are several other life forms surrounding the immigrant's position. I counted seventy.”

Jack gave a huff of frustration. “Great. Any idea what we are dealing with here?”

Cyborg pointed at the dead rabbit at the wall.

“Seriously? Those guys?” Jack let his stare wander between Cyborg and the dead rabbit.

“Affirmative, Commander.”

“So those killer rabbits aren't just natives? Wait.” Jack furrowed his brow. “Killer rabbits...” Suddenly, he groaned. “Aw fuck. I think I know what the immigrant is.”

“There's something else, Commander. Thanks to our encounter I could pick up some DNA samples from the other life forms. Through those, I retraced the immigrant's reproduction partner.”

“Wait, you found the immigrant's fuck buddy?”

“Affirmative, Commander.”

“Well, where is this partner?” Once again, Cyborg didn't give a vocal answer and pointed his hoof again. Jack followed the direction. He looked directly at Fluttershy.

“Woah, wait. Her?” Jack gingerly pointed at Fluttershy himself. His face twisted as unwanted pictures entered his mind. “I mean, she already struck me as a bunny lover, but not in a literal sense.”

“Incorrect, Commander. I mean the life form behind her.”

“Behind he-- you mean the bunny rabbit?”

“Affirmative, Commander.”

“Oh Angel.” Fluttershy softly shook her head, a tear rolling down her cheek, just before Jack rudely shoved her to the side.

“Out of the way, woman, I got business with this choking bunny!” He growled. Ignoring Fluttershy's shocked and Twilight's furious look, he grabbed Angel, with surprising ease for hooves he noticed, and rose him up to his eyes. Angel didn't move.

“Hey, still there?” Jack rudely shook Angel back and forth, but the bunny rabbit still did not move. Jack pulled him even closer, squinted his eyes and then sighed. “Damn, he's meat.”

“What the hay do you think you are doing?” Twilight snapped. Jack didn't pay any heed to her. He dropped Angel and walked away.

“Oh no, not this time,” Twilight growled and went after him. Not noticing her, Jack rejoined his three team members.

“Has the fair maiden's familiar perished?”

“Yeah. A rabbit choking on salad.” Jack couldn't help but grin. “That's at least new.”

Cyborg raised his again glowing hoof “Shall I then, Commander?”

Jack breathed deeply and then nodded. “Yeah, let’s do it.”

Suddenly, someone grabbed him from behind and swirled him around, bringing Jack face to face with a now very furious looking Twilight.

“You listen to me now, mister! You're going to explain to me now who you ponies are, why rabbits are getting killed around you, and what it even is that you do.”

The unexpected fury of the lavender mare sent Jack into a shocked silence. Only for a few moments though. “Sorry, Sunshine. I’d just love to waste my time with explaining everything to you, but I got a date.”

“If you think I’m just going to let you walk off again, then you’re sorely mistaken!”

“Oh yeah?” Jack said, just before his head got blasted into pieces by Cyborg’s laser.

Chapter 3: Purgatory And Back

The explosion happened on impact. Jack’s head split apart upon meeting Cyborg’s laser like an overripe melon that had made the accelerated acquaintance with a sledgehammer. Pieces of skull and teeth flew everywhere, and cerebral matter plastered the wall and Twilight. Jack’s body was dead before it even noticed that its lack of auris interna - the inner ear -, as well as the immediate eviction of its brain disallowed for it to continue to stand upright.

The lifeless corpse gave a last sign of protest in gushing forth a geyser of blood, which plastered the paralysed Twilight even more with bodily fluids, before slowly keeling over and landing on the floor with a thud.

As his convulsing carcass bled over Fluttershy’s floor, Jack opened his eyes.

He quickly looked down, only to curl his lips when hooves appeared in his gaze. Determined to not sacrifice his hope so easily though, Jack raised one of his forehooves and waved it back and forth on trial. Instead of dissolving into ethereal dust, the hoof stayed a hoof. The corners of Jack’s mouth dropped further. Seemed like he was confined to this ridiculous pony form even in death.

Heaving a sigh and dropping the hoof back to the ground, Jack turned his attention to his surroundings. They quickly, although only briefly, made him forget about the pony-formed prison of his soul. Hell surrounded him. Or at least, that which passed as hell in the common perspective.

Jack stood in a cave made out of black stone and filled with fire. Jagged stalagmites were sprouting all over the place, and likewise threatening looking stalactites reached down all the way from the shadowy ceiling. Giant flames flickered out of countless shadowy paths, licking hungrily at the stonewalls and towards Jack.

As Jack turned his head, he could see a depression behind him, which snaked all throughout the cave and along the walls, serving as a creek for boiling lava. The magma’s shine mingled with the deep-red flames’ light, casting the entire chamber in an unsettling red glow. The dancing of the fires caused long shadows to sprout and jump all over the walls, as they used the stalactites and stalagmites to paint frightening silhouettes.

The view left an impression on Jack. Not that it was a positive one.

“Oh come on, what is this? ‘Build your own non-threatening parody of hell’-kit, the cheapskate version?” The brown earthy pony stallion snorted. “Besides, if this is supposed to be hell, where are the--”

Suddenly, a loud wailing picked up. A moaning choir of tormented souls sang its suffering throughout the cave, letting their mournful song reverberate from the walls until the lamenting reached every corner. Screams went off in the far distance, followed by cruel, inhumane laughter of an unknown torturer.

Jack clicked his tongue. “Great. Now it’s cliché and annoying.” He groaned and shook his head. “Well, better get to it. The sooner I find this fucking rabbit, the sooner I can get out of this shithole.” Rising up with those words, Jack walked deeper into the abyss of shadows, flames, and wailing. “I just gotta bare with it for now,” he mumbled.

A minute later, Jack’s patience was entirely spent.

“Shut your goddamn mouths, you fucking assholes!” Jack screamed against the continuous lamenting and crying. “Some are trying to work here, you lazy bums! Suffer your eternal punishment quieter, or I swear to god!”

As Jack was trying to think up a good threat that victims of hell hadn’t heard before, the mourning only grew louder. Instead of just suffering, pleadings for help now also echoed throughout the chamber.

“Help me!”

“Please, I’m sorry!”

“Get me out of here!”

“Please... kill me!”

“Oh believe me, I’d love to,” Jack growled. Instead of following his desire though, he turned around and kept walking. “Fucking lazy bastards. This is what sixteen percent of my wage is financing? That’s bullshit.”

Jack kept on mumbling to himself, complaining about taxes and unfair wage to workhour ratio, until suddenly something white appeared in the corners of his eyes. He raised his head.

There, just fifty meters away from him, stood Angel. Or at least Jack hoped that it was Angel. All those rabbits were just looking the same to him, to be honest. Nonetheless, Jack couldn’t just sacrifice a chance to get out of this here as quickly as possible.

Immediately, he turned around and galloped towards the white bunny rabbit, who was looking around with a rather confused expression on his face. Yet just as Jack was only five meters away from him, the flames behind the rabbit flared up.

The fire whooshed loudly, growing twice as large as before, and turned into an unnatural purple. The wailing and moaning grew louder, more frantic, and even more fearful, Jack believed to notice. All the while the two flames had grown larger, easily overtowering Jack three times his size. Suddenly, they bent towards each other, forming an archway out of purple flames, which now drew the focus towards what was between them. Jack and Angel stared into it.

It was darkness. Then, something sounded. At first, Jack was surprised that he could hear so easily the sound, but then he noticed that it was perfectly logical. The wailing had silenced. An involuntary shudder ran across Jack’s back as the unnatural silence filled the cave, giving the sounds which came from the darkness beyond the flame archway all the more impact.

The thundering nature of the sounds made Jack take a bit of time, until he realized that it were hoofsteps. Hoofsteps which were slowly coming closer. Jack noticed out of the corner of his eyes how Angel took a step backward. He couldn’t blame him for doing so. Jack himself had to muster all his concentration to not shy backwards.

The powerful nature of the hoofsteps made it impossible to tell how far away their owner was, making the wait all the more unnerving. Suddenly, they fell silent. A moment of silence passed without anything happening. Jack noticed that he breathed heavily. Then, a skull appeared.

Framed by flames, a horse skull protruded out of the darkness, staring at Jack and Angel with its empty eye sockets. Jack raised his head to return the stare, noticing how high up in the air the skull was. It almost reached the flame archway’s top. It was so high up that Jack almost didn’t see the hoof stepping out of the shadows.

A giant, pure white hoof treaded on the cave’s floor, followed by another one. Their steps revealed that the legs attached to them were only bones, completely void of fur, skin, or even muscle. Yet the vision was only brief, as soon a long, thick, black curtain fell over them. No, not a curtain. A robe, Jack realized, when he looked back up.

The skull was now also moving forward, in coherence with the hooves, not only proving that it was indeed one body, but also now showing that a black hood rested on it skullcap. Jack needed a moment, before he fully comprehended that before him stood a giant of a pony, devoid of any organic tissue, and clad into a heavy, black cloak. There was not a single possibility of doubt as to who Jack and Angel were standing in front of.

Death looked down on them with his eternal grin and empty eyes. Then he opened his jaws.

“MORTAL SOULS.” A deep, booming voice burst forth, reverberating from the walls and shaking the cave in its foundation. “YOU HAVE ENTERED MY DOMAIN. I AM DEATH.”

There was no mercy in his eye sockets as he stared down on the earth pony and the rabbit. “YOUR FATE IS IN MY HOOVES. I ALONE DECIDE WHETHER YOU SHALL ASCEND TO HEAVEN OR...” The manifestation of the inevitable end let the last words hang ominously in the air.

At least that’s what Jack thought. A moment later, he noticed that the skull’s jaws still had not closed. Instead, the skull was doing a weird back and forth motion, pulling suddenly back only to softly nod forward, over and over again. Jack believed to hear agitated breathing.

“ACHOO!” Death’s skull shot forward. A moment later, he lifted his head, sniveling loudly.

“DAMN DRAFT,” The grim reaper mumbled thunderingly as it, at least for its size, inconspicuously pulled up the end of its cloak with a hoof and wiped the non-existent snot from its bony nostrils. The cloaked skeleton froze in the middle of wiping when it noticed that Angel and Jack were still staring at it.

Death quickly let go of the cloak and cleared its non-existent throat. “AHEM. I ALONE DECIDE WHETHER--”

“Oh for fuck’s sake!” Jack rolled his eyes. “Can we skip that? I don’t have all day for this shit!”

The flame archway flared with a swoosh. Death raised its skull and stomped forcefully on the ground with one hoof. “SILENCE, PUNY MORTAL! DO NOT DISRESPECT ME! I AM DEATH! I AM THE END OF ALL THINGS! I AM THE INEVITABLE! I AM--”

“Yeah well, I’m from The Bureau, fuckface!”

“WHAT?” The lack of skin and muscle tissue gave Death a perfect poker face. Luckily for Jack, the shocked surprise in the grim reaper’s voice told him all he needed to know.

The giant skeleton raised a hoof and waved it hectically from one side to another. “WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! THIS IS NOT RIGHT! I STILL HAVE THREE YEARS UNTIL MY PERFORMANCE REVIEW!”

Jack groaned and planted a hoof on his face. “I’m not from the Sentient Resources Division, I’m a field agent, retard! Didn’t they teach you check every soul?”

The grim reaper’s hoof halted in mid-air. Had the skeleton eyelids, it would have squinted them as the skull was brought forward a bit to spy at Jack.

“OH YEAH, THERE IT IS.” The hovering hoof placed itself behind the skull and scraped over the parietal bone. “SORRY, I’M STILL LEARNING THE ROPES.”

“Just get out of that stupid form and get down here,” Jack mumbled past the hoof which was still on his face.

“HM? OH RIGHT, SORRY. HANG ON FOR A SECOND.” Death pulled its hoof back under the cloak and lowered its skull, causing the hood to completely conceal it. Suddenly, the cloak fell in on itself, as if the giant body under it had just vanished. Then the cloth itself began to shrink, receding further and further, until it was only a fraction of its original size.

It all happened very quickly, and a moment later, a pony stood where the giant skeleton horse had been. The differences were only in size though. The pony was still clad in a heavy, black cloak and the hood hid most of the face, letting only a snout protrude. Unlike the previous form, this muzzle was covered with living tissue, its coat a faded, dull white.

The pony raised a hoof and fumbled around under the cloak. “Alright, let’s see. Ribs are normal size, abdominal skin is there, no apparent anatomical errors... right on! Seems like I’m getting the hang of it.” With the overtowering figure, the booming voice had also apparently vanished. In its stead was now a young-sounding, male, nasal voice coming out of the cloaked pony’s muzzle. It was quite less impressive than the thundering words of a humongous skeleton.

After the pony had finished the provisional check-up, it shifted its attention and walked up to Jack, who was impatiently tapping his hoof.

The pony gave him a nervous smile. “Sorry for the hold-up. Err, I mean,” the pony raised a forehoof in an unsure and amateurish salute, “Grim Reaper, Death for Equestria. At your service, Sir.”

“About goddamn time. I-- Wait. What’s your name again?”

“It’s, uh, it’s Grim Reaper, Sir. Well, actually it’s Grim Percival Theodore Reaper the XLth”

Jack raised an eyebrow. “Parents didn’t much care for you, did they?”

“Uh, Sir?”

“Nevermind. I need an immediate resurrection for me and this--”

“What the hell is going on?!”

“... unfortunately not anymore silent bunny.” Jack heaved a sigh and turned his head. Angel, who stood beside him, still looked completely overwhelmed by everything that surrounded him. Yet apparently the first shock had now subsided enough for him to find his voice again. Or rather, find his voice for the first time.

“Wait, was that me?” Angel asked as he clutched his throat, staring down at himself in disbelief. “I can talk?”

“Yes, unfortunately.”

“How can that be?” Angel stared up to Jack helplessly, who looked back with frustrated disgust.

“modern Purgatory policy, all souls need to have the ability for freely expressing themselves. Now shut up, I’m trying to get us out of there.”

“Purgatory? Wait, does that mean I’m really--”

“I said shut up! Don’t you know how to take a hint, you goddamn walking meatloaf?”

“Hey, fuck you, buddy! What did I ever do to you?”

“More than you know,” Jack growled, choosing not to wonder how the bunny rabbit acquired such a coarse vocabulary. He ostentatiously turned his head away from Angel and focused anew on Grim. “Anyway, like I said, I’ve got a job right now and it requires that I-- Ow!”

Jack pulled up his left forehoof reflexively. Apparently Angel hadn’t taken the end of their conversation very well, because he had now buried his teeth in Jack’s foreleg.

Jack shook the leg wildly. “Get off me, you fucking psycho!”

At last, Angel flew off the leg and landed on the cave floor.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Jack yelled, still softly waving his leg as if he could also shake off the pain like that as well.

Angel sat back up, looking just as angry. “I want answers! What is this place? Am I really dead? And who are you? Why did you follow me here?”

“You want answers?” Jack sat down the hoof in an angry stomp, trying to ignore the pain that shot through it in response. “Fine! Purgatory, yes you are, I’m the guy whose job you made a lot more difficult, and I’m here because I need you alive, although I am really starting to think twice about it. Happy now?”

Angel didn’t look happy. In fact, he looked quite baffled. “So... I’m really dead?”

Jack gave an angry nod in response. Angel stared at him for one moment longer, then lowered his gaze. “I don’t... feel dead.”

“Oh, because you know all about how it feels to be a soul in the afterlife.” Jack snorted. “I’ve been in more afterlifes than you can count or believe in. Believe me, I know dead.”

“Now, if you’ll finally give me a moment,” he turned back to Grim, though he kept looking at Angel, “I am trying to get us two a ticket back to the worldly existence.” As no response came, besides a disbelieving stare, Jack then turned his attention completely to Grim.

“Now, as I was saying, I need a revival for me and the bunny here, pronto!”

“Oh. Uh... about that. Could you, maybe, um, just... wait a little bit with that?”

“Wait.” Jack repeated the word flatly.

Grim nodded eagerly. “Yeah. Not long, just about half an hour, maybe an hour. I’ll just need to, uh, talk a little bit with... the bunny.”

“Talk. With the bunny.”

“Yeah. Just a talk.”

Jack stared at Grim vacantly. Grim replied with a shaky grin. Jack then looked up and pondered the flaming archway. While still towering over them, it looked quite less impressive now, since the flames seemed to have used up most of their fuel and were only sluggishly flickering about. Jack then thought back to Grim’s first appearance. He also started to remember Angel’s unusual way to perish.

“Grim?”

“Yes, Sir?”

“Did you make this bunny die before his time?”

“What?” Grim’s indignation had the authenticity of a smartphone bought on a chinese flea market. “Of course not! Well, I mean, not strictly... if you take into consideration the possibility that all times are happening at once somewhere in the existence...”

Jack’s hoof once again made itself comfortable on his face.

“W-well, it wasn’t like he didn’t deserve it anyway.”

“Hey!” Angel interjected.

Grim ignored him. “Besides, I had very good reason for what I did!”

“Really?” Jack lifted the hoof from his face to shoot Grim a sceptical look that would have made Sextus Empiricus proud. “And what, pray fucking tell, kind of ‘good reasons’ did you have to let a bunny rabbit choke on a salad leaf?”

Grim opened his mouth, only to close it again. He shifted his weight from one hoof to another, and back again. His gaze wandered between Jack and Angel, his teeth grinding against each other. The count of sweat beads on his muzzle increased exponentially, and his entire body began to shake like a paper cup under which a wasp had been trapped.

Jack took a step forward. “Well?!”

“Alright, fine!” Grim threw up a hoof in exasperated surrender. “I killed him because he was mean to Fluttershy!”

The cave fell silent. Even the crackling of the flames and the blissfully unaware of its lethality gurgling magma hushed for a moment. Everyone and everything seemed to take a timeout to collectively turn towards Grim and stare at him with wide eyes of disbelief, existent or not.

Finally, Jack broke the silence. “I’m sorry, what?”

Grim sharply pointed at Angel in response. “This guy has been way too mean to Fluttershy! She always cares for him, always makes him his food, and he only just wants more, more, more. He doesn’t even say ‘Thank You’! I ask you, is that the way to treat one of the nicest, kindest, most gentle, most loving, most beautiful, most understanding ponies in the world?”

Jack stared at Grim with a furrowed brow. Was he really hearing this?

Grim, all the while, was only getting started. “He does not appreciate the gift he has been given! So, that’s why I decided to get him down here and give him a stern rebuke. I mean, how can one be so ungrateful?”

“Sooo,” Jack finally found his voice again, carefully choosing his words, “you decided to kill Angel and get him down here... because you got a hard-on for his owner?”

“Yes!” Grim gave a triumphant nod. A moment later, his smug satisfaction crumbled to reveal embarrassed confusion. “Wait, I mean, no! I mean, err... It’s not that simple, okay? Besides, I am doing this not for my satisfaction! I am only doing this for her!”

“Uh-huh. So if I go into your office, I will not find it plastered with some questionable posters of said owner?”

“That, uh... depends...”

“On what? Whether I look at the walls or not?”

“Woah, hang on a minute!” Angel hopped up to them, his expression of one that had not only received a package he hadn’t ordered and had to pay for, but also of one who had to find out that said package was filled to the brim with fishing utensils. For space crabs. While spaceflight hadn’t even been invented yet. “You can’t just kill me because of my attitude! That’s unfair!”

“Unfair?” Grim had opened his mouth, but Jack had beat him to it. “That’s hardly unfair. Maybe inconvenient, but not unfair. Unfair is if you pit a Transdimensional Chewing Beetle against a Nazi Robot Spider.

It is against the working regulations though,” Jack continued as he turned back to Grim. A nasty grin played around the corners of his mouth, as Grim flinched under these words. “Now that isn’t very good, is it, Grim? Abusing your position and power for personal affairs? I wonder how the Reaper Labor Union would react to that. Especially if it involves someone from the founding family directly. Mommy and daddy wouldn’t be very happy to hear that, now would they?”

Grim had taken up shaking again. This time though, it had lost the resemblance to an angry wasp and was more akin to a shaved Chihuahua that had been splashed with a bucket of water and then put inside a fridge. It was difficult to see that he actively shook his head to this, when ‘mommy and daddy’ were mentioned. “Please, no! Don’t say a word to my parents! They’re gonna kill me!”

He fell to his knees and robbed towards Jack, tightly grabbing his foreleg. “I just got this job. They expect me to completely ace this! If I only have one black mark, I’ll be the disgrace of the family!”

Jack lifted the one hoof that wasn’t held tight by a shivering, near crying Death, and tapped softly against his chin. “Hmmm. I can see your problem. I guess I could just let it go, but...”

“Yes? What is it?!”

“Well, if I’m going to do something for you, I need you to do something for me.”

“Anything! Anything!”

Jack grinned. “Very good. Now, the first thing I need is an immediate resurrection for me and this bunny here.”

Grim immediately jumped up, put a hoof under his cloak, and began rummaging again. After a while, he pulled out a small crystal ball, not bigger than a marble. He raised his hoof and threw it at the ground beside him.

Immediately, the ground collapsed, forming a perfectly round hole. When Jack looked inside it, he could see a maddening swirl of images, colors, and forms. The usual signs for a dimensional vortex.

“Okay, done!”

“Very good, Grim!” Jack nodded and padded the guide of souls on his shoulder. “Now for the other things...”

Jack bend forward and whispered something into Grim’s ear. Even with Grim’s expression only readable on his muzzle, the furrowed brow could somehow still be seen. “Er, okay, I guess I can do that. But the third one... are you sure that’s legal?”

“Asks the guy who killed a rabbit out of jealousy?”

Grim sighed in defeat and put his hoof into his cloak one more time. When he pulled it out again, a black box with an antenna and a bright, red button lay on it.

Grim handed the remote control Jack. “Just... don’t overdo it.”

“Hey, relax.” Jack took the remote control and shot Grim a smile. “I just need this for emergencies. I probably won’t even use it.”

“If you say so...” Grim still looked uncomfortable, but Jack no longer took notice of that.

He turned to Angel. The bunny rabbit was standing on the hole’s edge and peered into it. “What in Tartarus is--”

Angel didn’t get any further. In one swift movement, Jack turned around and kicked the rabbit’s backside, pushing him over the edge and letting him plummet down the hole.

“Alright, let’s do this. Jeronimo!” And with a jump, Jack had followed after him.

Grim waited a moment, then he waved his hoof over the hole. Immediately, the hole snapped shut, leaving no trace of its existence. Grim himself was the only evidence of the meeting that had transpired.

The young Death stared at the ground and heaved a sigh, shaking his head. It had been his first real interaction with an agent from The Bureau, and he could honestly say that he did not enjoy it. He still had an uncomfortable feeling gnawing away at him, because of the remote control he had handed over.

What really puzzled Grim though, was the second request. “Why would he need an immunity to alcohol-induced deaths?” he mumbled absentmindedly.