My Little Pony: Disguises Are Magic
One Step Ahead, One Step Behind
By: Strange Phantasm
When the portal opened, everybody panicked. We didn’t know what to think. We were expecting anything. Aliens? Extra-dimensional energy beings? The star spawn of Cthulu? Nope. What we got instead, were ponies. Magical, talking, pastel ponies. Yeah. I didn’t see that one coming either.
Didn’t take long for them to pick up English. Ambassador Twilight is a genius, or so I’m told. Of course, not all of them had the knack for it. That’s why there aren’t that many of them roaming the streets yet. That’s probably a good thing, for their sakes. Their world is nothing at all like ours. Humans have been killing each other off since Cain invented the club. But the ponies? They haven’t had a war in over two millennia.
Some people like to think that deep down there is good inside of everyone. I know for a fact that’s a load of crap. There are some undeniably evil people walking the Earth right now. I have seen them. I’ve killed more than a few of them. And the more pure and innocent something is, the more those truly evil people will want to destroy it. Those ponies? They wouldn’t stand a chance against a dedicated attack. It came as no surprise at all that the brass called in people like me.
Thus, the Shadow Initiative.
Six ponies, six shadows. Elite operatives from all over the world, myself included. Tasked with one purpose: Ensure the safety of the Elements of Harmony wherever on Earth they might go.
From the moment I first saw my pony, I understood why they called her the Element of Kindness. Above all other talents, a shadow has to be an excellent judge of character. It was almost as if I could see the light shining out of her. Yes. She is good, my pony. And I find myself feeling… proud, to protect her. It’s a weird sensation. You must understand that I am a professional, and I’ve been a shadow for a very long time now. This is the first time that I have ever felt anything toward a client at all.
These are strange days we’re living in. Strange days indeed.
A shadow wears many faces. Yesterday, I was Jogger In Blue Tracksuit. The day before that, I was Businessman With Newspaper. Today, I am Busker With Muttonchops. I play my guitar softly as my pony and her friend in the comically large sun hat go shopping. No one around us suspects for even a second that I am a shadow. All that they see is just another street performer.
The good thing about Main Street is that I can see in all the store windows. No obstructions, clear line of fire. The mission objectives for today are to find a birthday present for the Element of Honesty. I find myself somewhat amused when they enter the western store. This is a place filled with cowboy paraphernalia and rawhide.
My pony handles the store full of dead animal skin surprisingly well. She has hidden depths, that one. When the ponies were told we eat meat, most of them freaked out. Not mine. She understands the cycle of life and the nature of things with incisors. Of course, she was very much relieved to find out that the animals of Earth are not sentient like the ones on the other side. Her friend however, does not like this store. Not one little bit, but for entirely different reasons. The drama queen nearly had a conniption fit the moment they entered the place. “Crimes against fashion.” is the phrase repeatedly blaring through my earpiece. It is decided that the search will continue elsewhere.
She breaks the rules, my pony. She is not supposed to approach me, but today she does. The slightly nervous smile I receive as she drops some coins in my case is one of a person not used to performing mischief.
Rarity’s shadow, Pretty Merchant Selling Flowers across the street shoots me a look of disapproval, as if I am somehow responsible for this breach of protocol. As if I am some kind of bad influence. I find myself grinning profusely.
I decide to humor my pony, and play a song just for her. One that I know she will like. "I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing" by The New Seekers. Frankly, I’m amazed that I remember the chords, but an eidetic memory will do that to you. Plus, it was ridiculously catchy. It is a song about everyone living together in harmony. Ponies are big on that.
Did I mention they haven't had a war in eons? I still find that hard to believe, but then again if you've lived the life that I have lived you might feel the same way. I think one day, if I'm still alive, I'd like to retire on the other side. That would be nice. I can just picture it now. I'll spend my days lying in a grove of apple trees with the cool breeze for company and a head that's empty for once of heavy thoughts.
That would be nice.
My pony very much approves of the song, bobbing her little pink maned head as I repeat the first, second and fourth verses. The Element of Generosity spoils our fun by spotting another prospective store. I don’t think that she recognized me. My pony looks back over her shoulder as they saunter away. She gives me another smile, and in return I tip the brim of my hat ever so slightly.
I spare a glance at Pretty Merchant. She continues to frown even as she relocates to a better position on my side of the street. Her curt voice comes through my earpiece, which looks like a common Bluetooth device.
“You shouldn’t encourage her. Interaction only draws attention.”
She says this as if I were still green. I was a shadow back when she was still a civilian.
I explain that I haven’t the faintest idea what she’s talking about. My pony approached me of her own volition.
“Like I said, don’t encourage her. If she puts my charge in harms way, I’ll hold you responsible.”
I tell her she’s one of the very few women able to make a pink dress sexy. That shuts her up fairly quickly. Even from the corner of my eyes I can see her blushing. She is right though, I really should admonish my pony after the mission is over. However, the prospect of scolding her is remarkably unpleasant. I wonder how her parents ever managed, but then I can’t imagine my pony ever getting into trouble in the first place.
Then the mission takes a turn that I am not comfortable with, but it’s not my call. Rarity doesn’t like any of the places on Main Street, so they decide to head down 2nd Avenue. There is a large statue of William Tecumseh Sherman and several trees on that street and traffic is heavy. Lots of blind spots. Terrible coverage.
Pretty Merchant follows them directly, as she does not require a new face. Even as I round the corner I begin my change of costume. My coat reverses from tan to wine-red. My muttonchops peel off and go into a pocket. My green contacts come off revealing my natural brown eyes. The dent in the center of my homburg hat pops out and I am left with a bowler. A few travel stickers slapped on to my bland rectangular case and Busker is gone.
"Nihongo ga wakarimasen." One of the stickers says. A little jest, from my homeland. Now I am Foreign Violin Student.
I quickly locate my charge and sit down on a bench in front of the statue. General Sherman looks down at me sternly, as if judging my performance. I am suddenly reminded of the first time Shadow Team and our charges became acquainted. Fancy dinner party on the other side. Lots of brass there, princesses too. Luna was as pretty as they had described. I tried to keep to myself. Most of the shadows already knew each other or were entirely uninterested in their professional competition.
The ponies were friendly, as was their way. Very pleasant, very lively. Especially the Element of Laughter. Apparently meeting new people tends to excite her, although from my observations the very act of breathing seemed to excite her. I don’t think that I have ever met someone that happy.
This of course made what happened at the end of the evening all the more unnerving. As everyone began to separate, I found myself standing in the path of Pinkie Pie. She looked up at my charge as she fluttered away and then back at me. The smile was gone from her face, and the look in her eyes was cold as ice.
Don’t fail.
That’s what those eyes said. I have walked through minefields, charged at sniper nests across open fields and run down narrow corridors with Kalashnikovs waiting at the end. Those things never bothered me at all. The Element of Laughter? She scares me. You might find it funny, one of the most dangerous men on the planet being afraid of a pony like her. As I said before, a shadow has to be an excellent judge of character. There is a darkness in that one. It’s buried beneath a mountain of happiness and saccharine, but it’s there none the less. And this is a pony that treats her limited awareness of the laws of physics as a minor annoyance at best. Snipers and AK wielding enemies, I know what they can do. But Pinkie Pie… who knows what she’s capable of?
I flip over my case and open it. Although it is oversized for a violin, who would guess that there is a guitar underneath the velvet? I rosin the bow, trying to think of what song to play. Even before I am half-finished I decide on Pachelbel’s Canon in D. A pleasant song for a pleasant day. I have to fight the urge to close my eyes as I play. This is a mission, I am not at home.
When it happens, it happens fast. It always does.
“Wow. You’re really good!”
I am alarmed at the sound of a woman’s voice. One of the pitfalls of being a shadow is that one can become so focused on watching his charge that he can forget to watch his own back. I hadn’t even noticed the woman’s approach. She could have slipped a knife between my ribs. Stupid. Maybe I’m still green after all.
Even being startled I don’t miss a beat. I thank her and continue to play.
“That’s the song they played at my sister’s wedding. What was it called?” She asks.
I start to tell her about the great Johann Pachelbel.
Maybe it was instincts, or maybe I just got lucky, but a sudden movement at the corner of my eye catches my attention. A man in a heavy coat has stepped out from around the back of a truck and is approaching my charge at a quick pace. His murderous intentions cannot be mistaken.
“Bogey inbound!” I shout into my earpiece.
I drop my violin, not caring at all about the damage. I pull out my piece. The screaming starts with the woman and spreads quickly to the sounding crowd. Already I am charging into traffic. I don’t even make it halfway there before the man has drawn a Taurus Raging Judge, an utterly ridiculous gun, especially considering the target. Pretty Merchant drops him before he can even line up a shot. Two rounds in the chest, one in the head. No further shots are necessary.
I am across the street and covering my pony with my body, looking around for other bogeys. A younger shadow might have stuck around, confident that he could protect his charge while waiting for the men in black suits to arrive and lock down the area. I don’t even hesitate. I press the panic button in my cufflink and in seconds we are portaled to the other side.
The princesses and Ambassador Twilight rush across the throne room, filled with concern. It is then that I become aware of the damage that has been done. Rarity looks ill and promptly faints. My pony is traumatized by the violence she’s just witnessed. She is trembling with fear.
They take them away amidst words of reassurance. Pretty Merchant and I lock eyes. There are no words worth saying, and so we remain silent. Very soon the men in black suits escort us to a room where we are debriefed about the situation. Celestia is there. She thanks us for protecting her subjects.
“You don’t thank someone for doing their job, your grace.” My counterpart says.
Her prettiness belies a sharp tongue. The princess remains unflappable.
“Even still, you have my gratitude. They are very precious to me.”
I can’t help but ask about my ponies’ status.
The look of pain that comes over her noble visage does not suit the Solar Diarch. She doesn’t need to answer. I leave the room, not surprised that Pretty Merchant follows.
“It wasn’t your fault.” She says.
We both know that this is a lie. If I hadn’t let myself become distracted we could have stopped that man without resorting to lethal force. I leave her standing there in that hallway. I have to find my pony.
She is wrapped in a blanket. The Element of Loyalty is sitting by her side, stroking her shoulder. Rainbow Dash looks distraught. My pony stares at the floor. She looks up as I approach and slowly walks toward me. We look at one another silently for a while. Then she asks the question.
“Why did that man want to… to hurt us?”
With a sigh, I tell that there are only two possibilities. He was either insane or he was evil. There is no other explanation that I can give.
“And… and she had to shoot him?”
I nod silently. Then she runs forward, dropping the blanket and startling Rainbow Dash. My pony leaps at me, burying her head against my chest.
“I can’t go back there! It’s too horrible!”
I kneel down to eye level and say the words that I have felt since I first met her, slipping into the tongue my mother used when my father wasn’t home.
“Zettai ni mamoru.”
“You shouldn’t say things that can be misunderstood.” Rarity’s shadow says from the doorway, smirking slightly.
My pony looks up at me, confused. She asks what it meant. I take a moment and consider how to answer. What I come up with is this:
“As long as my body continues to draw breath, I will protect you. As your shadow, this I swear. So little one, don’t be afraid.”
She slips her hooves around my neck, squeezing me tightly. In that moment, we are not defined by the roles we’ve been given. She is merely a pegasus that loves animals, and I am just an old man holding in his arms a living aspect of that which is good and right in the world.
Then the moment passes and I am left with this regret:
If only I were not a shadow.
If only she were not a pony.
