Hello i want to kill you right now

by Spilt Ink

Rating: mature
Tags: Princess Luna, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Sex, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance
Length: 1125

Stuff happens, ponies die, fornication

^Second verse, same as the first^
[img]http://images1.mtv.com/uri/mgid:file:docroot:vh1.com:/sitewide/flipbooks/img/shows/the_greatest/50_greatest_albumcvrs/ramones.jpg?width=280&height=210&enlarge=true&matte=true&matteColor=black&quality=0.85[/img]

When the benevolent ruler of Equestria gets pissy, you'd best step aside 'fore she sends you to the mother frackin' moon. Or, you know, just rapes the *swear word* out of you and kills you and your friends. Either way, this is bound to be a good story. Or not. Probably not. I doubt you'll like this story very much. But that's okay! I just like sharing my brain's poop.

Published 2013-08-26 17:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-26 17:20:02 UTC

THE DEATH OF everything

Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, Princess Celestia was bored. Now, when i say bored, I don't mean how you feel when you're bored, lying on the couch, watching tv with nothing even remotely good on. NO. This was Divine bored and when you're divine bored, if you don't alleviate the problem, there is a high chance that the world will esplode. So, Celestia decided to rectify the problem.

"Gah! I'm so fucking bored!" Celestia screamed to the wind, her pony canterlot voice reaching all the way to ponyville.

"Then go fucking masturbate or something ya ugly ol' fat piece of horse shit," her sister Princess Luna said.

Princess Celestia was the sky monarch. She controlled the fucking sun, it's on her fucking ass, so she didn't take shit offa nobody. So she slapped that little bitch around and threw her at the moon, where she landed in a bloody spray, dying on impact. As Celestia huffed away, she paused to think, that was oddly stress relieving.

Celestia knew what had to be done. She quickly got her IPOD (cause steve jobs didn't die, Celestia just kidnapped him) and put on her favorite album, I GET WET BY ANDREW WK, and flew out of the castle and high into the sky, staring down at her precious little ponies. Her figure was visible by the light of the moon as she hovered overhead and ponies came to look at their monarch majestic poniness as she slowly gathered energy via horn and blasted them all into oblivion.

The screams and shouts of her little ponies only increased her desire for carnage so she flew over to the neighboring town of ponyville and slowly crept up to her FAITHFUL STUDENT TWILIGHT SPARKLE'S TREEHOUSE where she witnessed Twilight having an orgy. Celestia got pissed at that. HOW DARE SHE HAVE A PARTY WITHOUT HER!?!?! THAT hOOKER!!!!!!

She flew up into the sky again and pointed her magically shiny white horn at the sparkle residence she fired! With a scream of "MIDGET CUNT!" PONYVILLE EXPLODED Now it was to her favorite song, Ready to die and she was feeling the lust for carnage, so she quickly caught the exploded head of Twilight Sparkle and placed it on her own cranium.

She thought Twilight would be lonely alone on her head so she grabbed bits and pieces of her friends and placed them on their corresponding pieces. Rainbow's tail was on her own, Applejack's cutie mark was next to hers and so was Rarity's, She had all four of Fluttershy's hooves and Pinkie Pie's hair was on top of her own. Then she flew off for more destruction.

Eventually she reached the Crystal Empire. Her killing had awakened strong sexual urges in her nether regions and she knew Cadence was ever the whore and would always include her aunt in her orgies, so she flew over to the castle and knocked on the doors. Cadence opened the door and smiled broadly at her aunt.

"Aunty Celestia! We were wondering when you'd get here!"

Celestia's murderous rage then fizzled out and she had the best orgy of her 2,000 year life, and that's saying something! So she partied and sexed and drugged her head off until she O-FACED so hard she shot a beam of pure energy at the sun, frying everyone and killing the universe, except for her, she traveled back to her home planet and got scolded by her parents. Then they sent her to her room, because she was only two years old in Alicorn reckoning.!

Okay. So maybe not everything died, but you know what? Most of them did.

NOW THEN! ONTO THE STORY

Now, as Celestia threw her severely bitch slapped sister into her Celestial body, many thoughts raced through Luna's mind. The most prevalent thought she had (before she esploded) was that if she ever saw that cracker bitch again she was gonna take a spoon and shove it so far into her eye that she could scoop out her brain and make her eat it! But she hit the moon, so that was out of the question.

Instead of her diabolical and strangely detailed plot for her sister's disgusting demise, she instead decided to do some simple building. (after she reassembled herself, of course. I really didn't need to say that, but some of you guy's are dumbasses. I won't apoligize for that.)

So luna went to work. She made up a schematic for the biggest laser you've ever seen and started her building phase. After many failed attempts, she finally created a working death ray. Here's what it looked like.

So know that her ~~pen~~- laser was finished, Luna trained her sights on the planet. She tracked down Celestia and waited for a sufficient charge of sexual lust to fire her laser. She waited and waited, all the time watching her sister have creepy fucking sexs with 17 stallions all at once. Then, as her sister O-faced, the laser charged completely and luna fired. A great, white, salty, somewhat sticky laser beam hurtled at the planet and it esploded. Satisfied with her handiwork, Luna trotted through the stars, back on to her house, where no one knew she actually blew up the planet and she didn't get in trouble with her parents.

And so Luna spent the next 17,000 years, growing up on Alicornia, laughing at her sister's misfortunes.She never got in trouble, and only had pregnancy scares three times during those 17,000 years. That's pretty damn good considering how many backwater hicks get pregnant the first time they do the nasty. Or for that matter any girl, mostly just sluts. I know a few and so do you. Whores, all of them.

Back on track now. Luna became a total slut bag. Celestia became a stand up member of society and eventually became the ruler of the universe. She married her brother in traditional Alicorn tradition and Luna married their third cousin. Luna eventually got off the drugs and diarchy returned!.Everybody was happY!

And that bitch Cadence died.

LAST THREE WORDS

Author's Note

This chapter is only here because i need one thousand words to publish this story, so this is the story of what Luna did on the moon, Because she really didn't die on impact. She's an alicorn. She survived it once before. If she can't survive losing almost all her blood and hitting the moon so hard that her bones turn to powder and she creates a crater the size of your mom's ass, then she'd be a pretty shitty alicorn, wouldn't she? NO, she wouldn't.

I don't actually hate Cadence btw. I only hate three ponies.