Ponies try Cocaine (and a cocktail of so many drugs and other illegal substances it would kill you)

by Spilt Ink

Rating: mature
Tags: Princess Celestia, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Big Macintosh, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Main 6, Romance, Comedy
Length: 2572

Twilight's going to the biggest party of the century and she's about to discover the newest type of magic. The magic of drugs.

Twilight Sparkle is headed for the biggest party of the century. She's ready to get her freak on and LIVE IT UP!! But when she's offered mysterious substances by the party pony herself, will she give into temptation? The answer: yes.

DON'T READ THIS STORY!

Cover Pic

Published 2013-08-02 19:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-26 19:02:45 UTC

HOLY FUCK!

HOLY FUCK!

Today was the day! Today was the day of Pinkie Pie's ultra super amazing high definition party!!! The waiting list was ten feet long as people called weeks in advance to try Pinkie's new party amplifier. 5 ponies, however, did not have to call in advance for a place in the party. They were, of course, the other elements of harmony. Our protagonist, Twilight Sparkle, was getting ready at this moment, dressing in her trashiest outfit possible. She was ready for some secks.

Twilight looked at herself in the mirror adorning her wall, "Dayum, girl! I'm looking fine tonite. Big Mac not gon be able to resist this bitch."

Her assistant Spike rolled his eyes before saying, "Why don't you be yourself instead of acting like a whore for him Twilight?"

Twily turned her head slowly towards Spike and picked him up saying, "Men don't want you to be yourself Spike, they want you to be trashy as hell so they can get laid. Then they impregnate you and they HAVE to marry you. At least that's what the princess said."

Then she opened her mouth and ate Spike, then used her magic to make herself skinny again. This was Spike's punishment, you see, whenever he pissed her off, she ate him. It was better not to ask about it.

Twilight was now ready to go to the party. She opened the door and strutted out, closing the door with her magicks. She strutted down the dirt road, getting fox whistles from all the boys. Then she finally arrived at sugar cube corner. She walked right past the bouncer and into the cake shop, looking for pinkie. She finally found her, literally bouncing off of walls, her face covered in a white powder. Twilight grabbed Pinkie with her magic and brought her forth.

"Pinkie! How you doin' hooker?"

"Just dandy twily wily hily smiley!!!!!!!!!!!" She exulted in a loud and annoying manner. This was not her usual manner of annoying, which you and I find absotively adorable. No. This was hopped up on so much drugs that you can talk as fast as superman can fly annoying.

"So where's your special party enhancer Pinkie? I've been dying to try it," Twilight said in her best hooker voice.

"Oh pshawd Twi, I've got something better for you. Follow MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! The others are already waiting for you."

Twilight followed Pinkie upstairs and into Pinkie's room. Rarity, Rainbow, Flutters, and Applejack were already there. They all had red eyes and seemed really jumpy to Twilight. Rarity's eye was twitching and Rainbow was flying circles around the room and her drool was everywhere. Fluttershy was humping her Angel Bunny and Applejack was drinking her famous apple cider.

Rarity was the first to notice Twi and Pinkie, "Oh hello darling. How are you? You simply must try it," suddenly Rarity started to spasm on the floor.

"Is she okay?" Twi asked.

"She's okay, that happens to her every 20 minutes or so. Now lets get you party ready!"

Pinkie poured out a bag of white powder in front of Twilight and started to separate it with a razor. Then she jumped up and grabbed two full needles and a rolled up piece of paper, it's diameter was about the size of your thumb. She tied leather straps onto both of Twilight's arms and then kept pulling things out of her ass. They included an collection of mushrooms, bottles, and a shit load of pills.

"OK! First snort the powder then inject both shots into your arms, then smoke the joint. Those ones are necessary. Then you can try the booze, or the mushrooms, and maybe pop a few pills.

Twilight, the ever dutiful and diligent pony, did all Pinkie commanded. This was Pinkie we're talking about here. What could possibly go wrong?

"Okay Twi, now just sit back and relaaaaaaaaxxxxxxxxxxxxx........" Pinkie said, her voice getting deeper, then... BLACKNESS WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Twilight woke up suddenly, she had been asleep for an hour, but of course she didn't know that. You and I know that. She's not a fucking clock, she's barely contained magic in a pony body. Shit's bout to go down.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH," Twilight screamed up and ran out of the room, tears running from her face and her eyes as red as the explosions erupting from the surface of a dying sun.

While running down the stairs, bleeding tears and crying blood, she ran into Big Mac. Obviously (Cause i fucking said so) This was the handsome stallion she had wanted to fuck. So she did. Right there on the stairs in front of everybody, she raped him, but he liked it so it's not really rape. All the ponies were cheering her on as she went so she O-FACED and shot Mac into a wall. He broke three ribs, but got up and kept partying.

In Twilight's drug induced haze she saw the world as it really was. If she looked right she saw rainbows and kittens and poptarts. If she looked left she the same exact thing, EXCEPT MORE OF IT! Then a bowl of candy popped into her field of vision. She karate chopped that motherfucker in half a second and it flew into the air. Then she jumped up and ate all of them in slow motion. These were not the butterscotches she thought they were though. No, theses were high power pain killers.

Twilight had about 15 minutes before the pain killers hit her and she secksed every single stallion in that joint. Then she collapsed.

[SPACE FOR TIME LAPSE OF 2 DAYS AND 17 HOURS]

Twilight woke up, her eyelids were heavy and she felt like she got hit in the head with a sledgehammer repeatedly till her brains fell out and then somebody shoved skittles into it and put it back in. She slowly sat up. Nobody was in the hospital room except for her and the pony in the adjacent bed, guarded by the awesome might of the curtain of cheap fabric. She ripped the curtain back and saw.........

Princess Celestia!

"Princess? What are you doing here?" Twilight practically screamed.

"That was a hell of a rager huh Twilight," her teacher said with a turn of her head and a creepy smile.

"Uh, yeah, i guess so. I don't really remember it though."

"Well let me inform you. You went upstairs with Pinkie to do drugs and came back down an hour later, sexxed Big Mac, swallowed a bowl of Painkillers, Sexxed every stallion in the building and then collapsed. All in under 15 minutes," Celestia reached a hoof over and patted Twilight on the back, "I'm very proud of you Twilight. And there's more good news! The doctors tested the shit out of you and your STD FREE!!!!!"

Then Twilight and Celestia jumped out of their beds and brohoofed before having violent secks on the hospital floor.

THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Once again done without preread, spell-check, thought, or a premise. This seriously just popped into my head and i started writing, It took me less than 20 minutes.

Epilogue: Twily's baby BUMP!

Twilight winced as she walked down the rough dirt road. It turned out that having that extremely violent sex with Celestia on the hospital floor was almost as bad an idea as making goochy with every stallion she could find in under 15 minutes. Walking next to her as she hobbled along was her ever faithful child servant Spike. (They pumped her stomach and he came out, doped as fuck.)

"Are you sure it's his baby Twilight?" he asked in a voice that seemed way to deep for his ears.

"Of course I am Spike," she stated through winces of pain. "I cast a spell on myself in case I got a little crazy last night. It makes my uterus reject all sperm from any stallion that I don't choose. All I needed was a little DNA, " she leaned down closer to Spike with a mischievous glint in her eyes and whispered, "My mother taught me that spell."

Spike's eyes widened and he collapsed in the dirt, convulsing madly, foam coursing from his mouth. Twilight dragged him along with her magic. Not carry, no she wasn't strong enough yet. She dragged him.

Approximately ten minutes later the duo reached their destination, Sweet Apple Acres. Twilight smiled as she spotted the stallion who impregnated her working hard in the field with his sister.

~~~

As Twilight hobbled down the hill, Spike in tow, Applejack was having a pained conversation with her older brother. As we know, the mane six had taken more drugs than any other pony present at the party so they were pretty fucked up and they all ended up in the hospital, except for Pinkie, who died.

"I'm just saying that you could've gotten more of the field harvested while I was in the hospital!" Applejack said.

"Eeyup," Big Mac agreed, He knew it was futile to argue with his sister. Why do you think he only ever says two words?

Applejack rolled her eyes at her laconic brother and bucked another tree. A flash of pain raced through her skull and she stumbled forward, but Big Mac was there to catch her fall. He lifted her up and looked deeply into her eyes and she did the same to him. They leaned forward until their noses touched and they shared a wet and passionate kiss.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

The incestous couple whirled around and saw Twilight, eyes wide and nostrils flared, Spike on the ground next to her. Suddenly, Twilight fainted.

~~~

Twilight's eyes slowly opened. She saw blue sky and trees and smelled the sweet smell of fresh squeezed apples. She heard voices getting closer and turned her head towards them. She saw her friend Applejack and her brother trotting towards her. She faintly remembered something about the two of them and then shot up and pointed her hoof accusingly at the red stallion.

"HOW DARE YOU CHEAT ON ME?" she roared in the impressive Canterlot tones she learned from Celestia at a young age.

Both earth ponies stopped dead in their tracks as Twi wobbly stood up and glared at the pair. She started shouting again. "HOW DARE YOU!! HOW DARE YOU!! JUST FUCK ME AND LEAVE, WILL YOU!! MAYBE I SHOULD GELD YOU!! WOULDN'T LIKE THAT NOW WOULD YOU 'MISTER PONYVILLE' TRY WINNING THE SWIMSUIT COMPETITION AGAIN WITHOUT ANY TESTICLES!"

Twilight was on a rant now. She would remain in this state for at least another hour.Applejack knew her friend though and was prepared, she handed a pair of earplugs she kept in her saddlebags to her brother and took a pair out for herself. They then continued bucking the trees until Twilight calmed down and stopped floating in Godly fury. They hesitantly took out the earplugs.

"But why...?" Twilight said, assuming that the two had heard her entire rant, "Why would you do this to me Big Mac?"

Mac trotted forward and sat on his haunches. He placed a foreleg around Twilight and looked deep in her eyes, asking what she meant without opening his mouth. Twilight, of course didn't fucking get it.

"Why what Twilight?" Applejack dubbed for her brother.

"Why would you impregnate me then leave me for your sister?"

The earth ponies reeled backwards in shock. They didn't know it, but Twilight was playing them. She was the real villain here, but they were earth ponies and that breed is very stupid. She was putting Celestia's training to good use.

Big Mac looked dazed, but kept his hoof around Twilight and Applejack.walked forward and plopped down next to them. They remained in this shocked state for several minutes as their little brains worked through their predicament. Applejack came back to life first.

"Oh Twilight I didn't know, I swear. I'd never want to hurt you."

"It's okay Applejack. It's obvious you have something special with your brother. I hope you two have a long and happy life together."

Applejack wouldn't stand for that though. She jumped up and ran after Twilight as she walked away.

"No Twi. I can't hurt you like that. Tell me what to do."

Twilight and Applejack turned to look at the still shell-shocked Big Mac.

"I've heard Princess Celestia is planning to make polygamy legal," Twilight said, planning a letter to the princess as she spoke.

Applejack

Twilight was in the delivery room. Big Mac was on her left and Applejack was on her right, both holding a hoof as she screamed in pain.

Applejack looked at her wife and stroked her hair back from her head. When the three had gotten married 10 months ago, back when Twilight's baby bump was barely visible, Applejack had had reservations about the whole ordeal, but know she loved Twilight just as much as she loved her brother. She was part of the family.

Twilight

Twilight had adapted to farm life very well, building and toning muscle in her first few months, then returning to softer pursuits as her pregnancy progressed. She spent all day with her husband and wife. Together the three of them had each developed their niche in the family. Applejack was the hard working girl. She kept the food on the table.Twilight, though she did have a job, was more of the stay at home wife. She cooked and cleaned and kept everything tidy and organized for her spouses. She even helped in the fields.

After she had gotten Applejack to agree to the polygamy she had raced home and had hastily written her note to Celestia.

Now she was having the colt of her dreams baby. She couldn't be happier. She had two ponies she loved on either side and she was popping out that baby like a champ.

Big Mac

Big Mac was the type of husband that stayed silent. He listened to his wives and he worked in the fields and did what they told him to do, In the bed though, totally different story. He was the type of mate who domineered in the bedroom, taking pleasure relentlessly and two mares was always better than one,

Now he saw his first child coming out. He was excited and gripped Twi's hoof all the tighter. He had doubts about his feelings for Twilight at first, but then he remembered how freaky she was in the bed. All in all he was happy.

"HERE COMES THE LITTLE FUCKER!" The doctor said, calm and in control.

With a final shove and grunt, Twilight popped that fucker out and the dotctor caught it in a catchers mitt, again, following protocol. He raised the baby and the light from the early morning sun reflected in her beautiful blond hair and wrapped around her horn. Her red violet fur was still soft and downy as she was placed into Twilight's arms, swaddled in her blankets. Twilight cradled him as her spouses craned for a look. Her little filly's green eyes twinkled as she named her.

"Sparkling Cider..."

Sparkling Cider giggled. Then Twilight released her bowels all over the doctor. He dropped the baby and punched Twilight in the vagina.

THE END

Author's Note

Okay, total change of pace plus a corny ending and presumably bad writing, but I refuse to change a goddamned thing. I now love this ship. More polygamy.More incest. LESS (INSERT HATED RELIGIOUS GROUP HERE.)