Chapter One: F*ck Old Ladies Who Watch Deadliest Predator
Chapter One: F*ck Old Ladies Who Watch Deadliest Predator
60’s Spiderman launched out of his shitty $15 a month apartment’s window and took to the streets, a web immediately clinging to the surface of a badly drawn skyscraper. ‘What was the reason for this?’ You may ask.
Buuuuungroooole!
After taking a dump which lasted several hours 60’s Spiderman looked to his right, immediately screaming at the sight before him… The lack of a certain tissue that he used to dive deep into his deeply crevice, which shall be called: Bunghole!
He swung effortlessly through Badly Drawn New York City; his spider pants pulled all the way down to his spidey ankles, giving all below a perfect undisclosed view of his spidey junk.
After coming to his favorite convenient store he immediately charged full force through it see through glass door, shattering it into tiny pieces, allowing him entrance to the store. He sprinted as fast as his spidey legs could carry him until he came to the toiletries aisle and to his horror (Punctuated by him putting the back of his to his forehead and screaming a womanly screech) they were out of precious bungrole.
Before you could say ‘bungrole’ 60’s Spiderman leapt fifteen feet, clearing the entire store and landing him just outside, already onlookers crowded around the store to see all the ruckus, their badly animated faces showing nothing but happiness and extreme monotonous looks. Of course 60’s Spiderman didn’t give a single fuck from the stares, instead charging wildly through them, his junk swinging rapidly.
In a single bound he leapt through (And broke) the window of and elderly women watching reruns of ‘Deadliest Predator).
“Are you going to rape me?” The Old women question, the hair from her noise muffling her speech, the question was not out of place, you see a man with his dick out break into your apartment or course rape would cross your mind, but this was thee spidey dick. This took 60’s Spiderman aback so much he froze and stared utter hatred at the women.
"You low corrosive lump of fecal horror, you maniac bastardly turd. I would rather drink stale urine from Billy May's ass pit then remain one moment more in your defiling company. You're filth, you're cack, you're the ooze of a burst boil. I abominate, you towering mound of corrupted slime. Your every utterance is like the slithering hiss of a fat maggot in the putrid guts of a decomposing rat. Your face is fouler than the unwiped inner ring of satans rectum… Bitch you uglaaaay!” 60’s Spiderman replied back as coolly as he could muster, kicking the old bitch of her chair before vaulting to her bathroom.
He ripped off the door (Super powers? Remember?) And surveyed the bathroom, his eyes searching for the thin sheets of paper which were his salvation. Instead he found none, just an unsettling amount of Adult Diapers by the corner, which looked as if they haven’t been opened in a long time….
Temptation began to sweep over him, would he really be reduced to that level? A grown man barely past [Age Redacted] in an adult diaper?
“NO!” He proclaimed out loud, his finger aiming towards the cracks in the ceiling, where years of decay had taken it. He stormed out of the Old Women’s Apartment, finger still high in the air. He carried on like this until he reached his apartment, greeted to the sight of a furious LuLu.
“WHERE HAVE THOU BEEN!” She proclaimed, her royal Canterlot voice sending tremors throughout the apartment building, some dust raining down from the ceiling. Instead of replying he merely presented his un-wiped backside to her, causing her to recoil in disgust.
LuLu had grown accustomed to living with her true love, his shoddy apartment, and his eccentric ways and of course his junk (Which he let dangle freely whenever he deemed appropriate.) However this was entirely new.
“Thy dost not revel in the sight of thou’s bared backdoor!” She exclaimed, going red in the cheeks. 60’s Spiderman spun on his heel until he back looking down upon his ‘Fuck holder’ a title given to any that hold one of his almighty fucks, Lulu was the first and only being to be given one of his fucks.
“To Equestria. Now!” 60’s Spiderman demanded, already impatient, his fist clenched. This was his final hope, his last chance, the only possible way of acquiring his prize, his sacred Bunghole!
“No…” The Princess replied, her voice monotone. 60’s Spiderman often asked this of her, mostly just to get objects the he was too lazy to walk a block to acquire. These objects are as follows: Chips, soap, soda, clothing, apples, and for some odd reason saddles, which never come into any of daily activities.
“Pweeeeeeese~” 60’s Spiderman begged, falling to his knees… She always gave; she did love him after all…
“Sure there’s an alternative?” She asked, rolling her eyes. Ponies had began to shun her, if she was here so was he. When he first arrived he had kicked a young pony in the jaw and uttered profanity profusely, then at his trial his humor? Had successfully took the Princess of her feet (Hooves?) and she fell in love with him and did he, her.
60’s Spiderman shook his head from side to side like a child, earning another eyeroll from her. If eye rolling could give you a disease depending on the amount of times you did it LuLu would have all known forms of aids, cancer and STDs.
“Fine…” She deadpanned, immediately her horn was engulfed in a night blue light and they were both gone in a flash of light, leaving their front door open and a massive broken window in their bathroom… What! Just because it’s a badly animated New York doesn’t mean it isn’t dangerous! Haven’t you seen any movies based in New York? Christ…
[A few moments later]
Suddenly in the center of Ponyville, sparks similar to that of the Deloreon from back to the future parts one through three, staring Michael J Fox and Christopher Lloyd as they travel back and forward in time in an effort to save the present. The first was fantastic and the second and even the third, I mean when I was a kid I stayed up for hours watching the entire trilogy countless times and even bought the entire trilogy on Blu-ray a couple years back.
If I were to put them in order it would be:
First
Third
Second
I know, I know, the third wasn’t especially ‘liked’ but that doesn’t make it bad, if anything I’d say it a great third, not many ‘thirds’ in a trilogy really measure up to the standards of most people (Blade: Trinity, Alien 3, Batman: Forever and Jurassic Park 3) but I’d say Back to the Future part three is one of the best three-quels ever made, along with Star Wars Episode six, Lord of the Rings: Return of the king and Die Hard 3.
Oh Crap, I was writing a story wasn’t I, sorry about that. Ahem…
Out of the Sparks appeared a flustered Princess LuLu (The spell always drained after each use, especially when carrying a passenger along) and of course the passenger himself.
“Ok my love. Behave yourself this time, dost thou remember not the incident with the app-“ Her sentence ended abruptly when she saw that her love wasn’t standing beside her, but instead running towards a remote path that lead towards the Everfree forest, presumably towards the home of a certain butter yellow Pegasus.
“Spice give me strength…” She muttered, before following the trail sluggishly.
Chapter Two: Bugs Bunny Is A Dick
60’s Spiderman ran with haste down the forest path, unhindered by his spidey pants down his spidey ankles, desperately searching for the roll of white thin paper known merely as: Bungrole. Meanwhile, just a couple meters behind him, his ‘fuck-holder’ Princess Luna of Equestria, otherwise known as: Lulu, gave chase.
The path they traveled lead to the shy butter colored Pegasus known as Fluttershy, who inhabited a small house that bordered the Everfree. The reason for 60’s Spiderman for running down this path wasn’t abundantly clear, when Lulu shouted the question as they ran; he responded ‘Dunno, LOL’ and carried on running.
It taken a good few minutes before 60’s Spiderman reached the front door of the Pegasus’s house, his fist immediately banging on wildly like a psychopath.
“OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR YOU PIECE OF SHIT!” He screamed, now using both fists. Lulu had a look of panic on her face and picked up the pace, galloping towards the screaming ‘spidy-path’.
Surprisingly, the door opening, revealing a very scared Pegasus, she was practically rattling with fear as she came face to – PENIS!
“Oh, my…” She said before the noticing of a limp spidy penis, a blush immediately covering most of her face. She tentatively began to look up, evenly looking 60’s Spiderman in his eyes.
“Hello, wh-“ She began, but was rudely interrupted when a knee smashed into her face, causing to fly backwards until she lay limp on the ground.
“Out of my way bitch!” Yelled 60’s Spiderman as he vaulted into the mare’s living room, scanning it for any signs of bungroll. He swiftly went to the Pegasus and grabbed ahold of her, shaking her roughly.
“WHERE IS YOUR BUNGROLL BITCH?” He roared, but receiving no reply from the unconscious mare, blood dripping from her mouth. He dropped her body without care and immediately ran to the stairs.
He shimmied up the stairs and fell directly on his face once he reached the top, but he didn’t give a fuck, not right now anyways. He rose to his feet and quickly shuffled to the bathroom, being greeted with an unusual sight as he entered.
In the bath was a pearl white bunny; adjacent to him was an ash grey bunny chomping on a carrot. However he also saw a sight that infuriated him and filled him with boiling rage: Wet bunghole. In the bath a perfectly innocent roll of ass tissue floated aimlessly in the tub, causing 60’s Spiderman to twitch with anger.
“Eh, what’s up cock?” Asked Bugs Bunny, causing Angel to begin roaring with laughter, further increasing the rage of 60’s Spiderman.
“FUCK YOU NIGGA!” Exclaimed 60’s Spiderman, pouring with spidey rage. He immediately did a triple front flip and landed directly beside Bugs motherfucking bunny and he gripped his hand around his throat, and lifting him directly out of the bathtub.
“Don’t make me go yo-seminny Sam on your ass!” Choked Bugs Bunny, struggling to get the words out with the spidy hand around his neck. Without a word 60’s Spiderman brought the rabbit to his face, staring eye to eye.
“He was way funnier than you were…” Whispered 60’s Spiderman, his words laced with venom (Totally not foreshadowing). And without another word Bugs Bunny immediately shriveled to dust, his weakness being told he wasn’t funny.
“(Nothing here because for some reason unlike every other fucking animal on this show he can’t speak.)” Angel said, wordlessly. Before 60’s Spiderman could choke the ever-loving fuck out of the little shit, he hopped (heh.) face first out of the window, shattering it to pieces (totally destroying his face in the process but hay, what are you gonna do.).
“What did you do!?” Shrieked Lulu, her eyes open wide in horror. 60’s Spiderman turned around and shimmied over to his beloved, and bent over to come eye to eye with her.
“…Dunno, lol. Tag!” He exclaimed slapping her in the face and pushing her out of the way. He shimmied as fast as his spidy legs could shimmy, but before he could reach the stairs he fell flat on his face.
(Meanwhile… In an unknown planet (It’s Earth, but I need it to sound legit and shit. Don’t tell anyone or I’ll fuck you up))
Justin Beiber leant over his balcony and spat down upon his loyal psychopaths of occult followers, them with mouths open, eager to get any filth that abominable piece of shit decided to lay upon them. As he spat down upon, a hooded man stepped silently behind him, tapping him lightly on the shoulder.
“Ow, don’t do that!” Yelled Justin Beiber femininely, now rubbing the growing bruise on his shoulder. He then attempted to hit the hooded man, but once the fist came into contact with the man’s skin he broke a knuckle, his weak womanly hand barely able to come to impact anything.
“Master… The plan is ninety-five percent complete…” The hooded man said ghastly, his chest rising and falling irregularly. Justin Bieber sneered queerly at the information and stomped his foot like a stubborn child, breaking his toes.
“Owchie. Not good enough!” Justin squealed, one due to the pain now present in his foot, and the fact that is just his regular voice. The Man in robes furrowed his brows sadly and brought his hands together.
“But Maa- Sir, what could you possibly want with this much… Roll?” The man questioned, pulling a toilet roll out of his robes. Justin Beiber then looked at him like he had done something wrong, like force him to have sex with Emma Stone, Emma Watson and Hitomi J-Cup (Because only he wouldn’t like that.).
“Are you stupid old man!?” He whined, bringing his hands to his head. Justine Bieber then walked over to his balcony, leaning on it to stare down at his millions of brain dead fans.
“Don’t you see? These Dumb bitches will pay a ton of cash to get a lock of my hair, imagine how much we’ll get it we sell my shit!” He exclaimed, looking scornfully at the old man, a evil smile stretched across his face.
“Not even the power of spice can stop me now…”
Author's Note
Fuck JB. Simply, fuck him.
