Making Ponies Happy

by Eater-of-Worlds Smooze

Rating: mature
Tags: Tragedy, Adventure, Pinkie Pie, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy
Length: 4323

Spurred on by an innocuous question, Pinkie Pie's quest to rediscover her past answers questions that should have been left alone.

Spurred on by an innocuous question, Pinkie Pie's quest to rediscover her past answers questions that should have never been asked. Cover image by KujaEx.

Published 2013-08-03 02:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-11 20:41:13 UTC

Chapter 1

It was a beautiful day in Ponyville. Of course, it was always a beautiful day in Ponyville, thanks to the weather team. This particular day, however, was particularly resplendent because once again, the day had been saved and harmony restored by the resident superheroines of the town, the Elements of Harmony. As per usual, an ancient horror with apocalyptic intentions had invaded Equestria. And as per usual, the Elements of Harmony had banded together to defeat the threat and save Equestria. One such Element, a pink mare by the given name, Pinkamena Diane Pie but who insisted on being called Pinkie Pie, was bouncing along the streets of Ponyville, enormous smile affixed to her face as she regarded the village that she knew and loved.

All of a sudden, Pinkie Pie stopped bouncing, defying physics and common sense as she changed her direction suddenly. Her trajectory veered off in the direction of a cloud. This cloud was obviously special, as it was the only cloud in the sky over Ponyville.

“RAINBOW DAAAAAAASH!” cried Pinkie, screaming at the lone resident of the cloud.

“…” the cyan mare with the rainbow coloured mane lying on top of the cloud replied, subtly swishing her tail, gently pushing the cloud away from the source of the commotion.

Thinking quickly, Pinkie looked down and finally landed. She then quivered her legs, generating small amounts of steam, until she finally burst into the air and shot towards Rainbow Dash.

“GOT YOUR CONK!” Pinkie screamed into Rainbow Dash’s sleeping face as she poked Rainbow Dash’s nose lightly.

“What the hey-Pinkie Pie!” Rainbow Dash cursed in dismay, “I spent all day cleaning up the mess from yesterday! What more do you want from me?”

Pinkie Pie smiled down at him and replied, “Silly filly, we all spent today cleaning up that icky Smooze ooze. The evil Lord Smooze was the ickiest meanie that tried to take over equestrian ever! Even Discord cleaned up his mess when we beat him the first time! I’m just so glad he’s reformed now-You know what else is reformed-My new Smooze filled cupcakes!”

From… somewhere, Pinkie Pie pulled out a perfectly prepared pink pastry. Rainbow Dash stared at it. “Pinkie Pie, Smooze was purple.”

Pinkie Pie giggled and snorted “Silly, that’s why I said it reformed! In the oven!”

Rainbow Dash sighed, and asked “Is that what you’re here to show me? We’re eating bad guys now?”

Pinkie Pie stared in horror at the cupcake in her hand as she quivered dangerously in the air.

Rainbow Dash looked over at Pinkie, who was still somehow hovering in the air. “Pinkie, how are you -you know- up here?” she gestured at the empty air below Pinkie.

Pinkie Pie began to fall. “Because talking is a free actioooooooon!” she cried, orienting her body to brace for landing. “Oof!”

Rainbow Dash scratched her head, and called down to her “Pinkie Pie, you are so random.”

Down below, Pinkie Pie bounced off the floor and dusted herself off. She looked at the cupcake in her hand and sighed. ‘It tasted sooooo good too!’ she thought as she tossed it away in disgust. “Stupid Dashie and her ‘Don’t eat nummy tummy Smoozes! It was alive once!’ Well now it’s not and it’s delicious! Why did I have to be a herbivore…“ she muttered under her breath. She noticed a few ponies moving away from her, and stopped muttering to herself about eating apocalyptic oozes in public.

Turning the corner, she found herself arriving at her destination: The Ponyville post office. She trotted in and looked around. ‘Pinkie sense says…’ she thought, looking at each individual pony in the hall. ‘Aha! New pony, ten o’clock!’ she thought with glee. The new pony she was looking at was a rather plain looking silvery blue pegasus stallion with a cutie mark in the shape of a magnifying glass. He was deep in conversation with Derpy Hooves, Ponyville’s resident mailmare.

‘Well, I was also going to send some mail, so I’ll kill two birds with one stone here!’ Pinkie thought. ‘Wait, pegasi are like birds. They have wings and all. I wonder if I can hit them both with one stone? But that would hurt them! Bad Pinkie!’ she shook her head.

“Hi Derpy! Hi new pony! I’m Pinkie Pie! You must be new here, cuz I know everyone in Ponyville and I don’t know you!” she burst out, leaping over to the two of them. She leaned towards the new pony. “Whoooooo are yoooooou?” she asked, giving her brightest and widest smile, which in her opinion, was fairly wide. She did practice them, after all.

“What? Well… I’m not sure if… uhh…” the new pony stammered out, looking at Derpy for help.

“Oh, hi Pinkie Pie!” Derpy chirped. “This is Digger Doo, my cousin!” she introduced. Digger waved nervously, looking around the post office as if expecting a reprimand for doing so. “What are you here for?” asked Derpy.

“Well, I was coming here to deliver some mail to the Cakes, but then my Pinkie senses tingled and told me there was a new pony in town so I came to the post office and saw Digger and you talking and then I thought I could kill two birds with one stone but then I thought that it would be really sad if I hurt you with a rock so I told myself I wouldn’t throw a rock at you and then I thought I should introduce myself and then I said hi to both of you and-” Pinkie paused. “I think you know what happened after that.”

Digger stared at Pinkie incredulously “Are you real?” he blurted out before blushing and stammering out an apology.

Pinkie nodded and poked him in the face. “Yuppers! I’m as real as you are! That way I don’t have to be your imaginary friend, I can be your real friend!” she grinned at him. “Willyoubemyfriend!” she shouted, pulling a massive contraption from out of nowhere. The other few ponies in the post office looked curiously at the commotion and chuckled, recognizing this as ‘typical Pinkie’.

Digger’s eyes widened, and he turned to Derpy. “I can’t be here. This was a mistake” he whispered. He turned to Pinkie. “Forget I was here, and don’t follow me” he whispered harshly, rushing out of the post office doors and taking flight.
Pinkie scratched her head. “Cranky didn’t like the Welcome song either. But I didn’t even start singing! Maybe it needs more balloons?” She sighed, before perking up. “Oh, well! I’ll get him later. No one escapes a Pinkie Pie Party!” she rubbed her forehooves together and cackled.

Derpy looked curiously over at Pinkie. “Did those witches from yesterday possess you? I thought Celestia locked them away.”

Pinkie giggled. “Don’t be silly. They’re locked away safe and snug where they won’t be able to make any more of that icky Smooze.”

Derpy shuddered. “I took some of that to my face. That was weird… It was like I was flying in a rainbow made of muffins” Her face grew vacant with recollection. “Trippier than my special muffins…”

Pinkie smiled slyly. “Really? What’s in those muffins to make it so fun?”

Derpy giggled vapidly, eyes drooping. “Well, it’s like a normal muffin, but my secret ingredient makes it all the more special.”

Pinkie nodded, bouncing up and down. “Go on… Secret ingredient…”

Derpy shook her head. “Wait, what were we talking about?”

Pinkie stared at Derpy with watery eyes and pouty lips. Derpy narrowed her eyes. “Were you trying to get my secret muffin recipe again?”

Pinkie’s eyes slid to the side. “No…”

Pinkie felt Derpy move her face closer, eyes gazing deep into Pinkie’s soul. “yes” whimpered Pinkie, covering her face with her forelegs. She felt a pat on her back, and gazed out of the slit between her forelegs.

Derpy smirked down at her. “Nice try, Pinkie. Do you have any real business here, or are you just here to steal my recipies?”

Pinkie sat down and pulled a letter and a box out of hammerspace. “I’m here to deliver a letter to the Cakes, remember?”

“Oh, right!” said Derpy. “Here. I’ll take that for you” She pulled out a clipboard. “Alright, you know the drill.”

Pinkie Pie signed the clipboard, and handed over the usual fee. “Rightie-o’s then!” she said, turning to leave.

Suddenly sinister laughter washed through the post office, as the floor turned into a blood red fleshy mass. It pulsed twice in quick succession, and Pinkie Pie immediately realized that she was standing on top of a giant heart.

Pinkie Pie sighed. “Discord,” she began to sink into the blood, her horror suppressed for the sake of the remnants of her sanity. “Put the floor back the way it was.”

A head popped out of the floor, looking like a twisted amalgamation of a goat’s head with an elk’s antler and one sharp, pointed tooth. “Oh, Pinkie Pie. You know how I feel the bottom of my heart drop out from under me whenever you don’t laugh at one of my tricks! So I thought I’d make you drop into the bottom of my heart!”

A trapdoor opened up under Pinkie Pie. She felt herself sinking deeper into the disgusting macabre mess. Her hooves were entirely covered in blood, and Pinkie felt the blood beginning to cover the sensitive parts of her legs. She felt water running down her face and realized that she was crying. “DISCOOOOORR-” she began to yell, but was cut off when the post office returned to normal. Shell shock began to sink into Pinkie Pie’s psyche, but was interrupted by obnoxious laughter.

“You should have seen the look on your face Priceless!” crowed Discord, literally rolling on the ground.

Pinkie Pie looked around. The other ponies, judging from the suspicious rather than disturbed stares they were giving the two of them, had not been subjected to the scene that she had witnessed. ‘Phew’ she thought, before turning on Discord. “How dare you!” she hissed furiously. The other ponies, having never seen Pinkie Pie angry before, began to edge towards the door. “YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE REFORMED! THAT WAS WORSE THAN ANYTHING YOU’VE DONE WHEN YOU WERE EVIL! I’M GLAD WE BEAT YOU, YOU BIG JERK! IF THAT’S YOUR IDEA OF REFORMED, I’D HATE TO SEE WHAT YOU WERE PLANNING WHEN YOU WERE EVIL!”

Discord backed up, eyes as wide as saucers. “I’m sorry! It was a joke!”

Pinkie Pie didn’t let up. “I’M GOING TO GET TWILIGHT AND TURN YOU TO STONE!” she screamed.

Discord scratched his head. “But she’s in Canterlot. And so is Rarity. And Applejack is in Appaloosa.”

“I’M GOING TO BLAST YOU WITH THE ELEMENTS IF I HAVE TO DO IT MYSELF!”

Discord raised his hands in surrender. “I’m sorry! Ponies weren’t so scared of blood a thousand years ago! There were even a few earth pony blood rituals to extract the magic inside of earth ponies!”

Pinkie Pie took a deep breath. “Discord. This is not a thousand years ago. This is today. Never do that again.”

Discord scratched his head. “Ok, never again. But… you said you grew up on a rock farm.”

Pinkie raised her eyebrows. “So?”

“A thousand years ago, rock farmers farmed rocks and did blood rituals to turn rocks into food because the pegasi made the weather too cold for crops. I thought you’d be alright with this because you saw blood rituals all the time!”

Pinkie ground her hoof into her head. “Well, we don’t! Look. Just try not to prank anyone while you’re getting used to the world not being all sad and mopey.”

Discord nodded slowly.

As Pinkie backed out of the long since emptied post office, she heard Discord call out after her. “Wait! What do you farm rocks for now?”

Ignoring him with a vengeance, Pinkie began galloping home as fast as she could, spurred by the need to scrub every inch of her body thoroughly. She didn’t care that Discord was as clueless about social norms as Luna was. Fluttershy would definitely hear about this.

But Discord's final question remained unanswered, even to Pinkie Pie. As she scrubbed herself in the bath, she stared furiously at nothing. 'Why were we farming rocks?'

Author's Note

Disclaimer: Smooze, Discord, and the Ponies are all property of Hasbro. No money is being made off of this. It's a fanfiction, after all. Also, any constructive criticism in the comments would be appreciated.

Chapter 2

“Remember what I told you. No pranks. No tricks. You are going to apologize and do exactly as she says.” Fluttershy’s eyes bore into Discord’s sternly as the two of them entered a store modeled after a gingerbread house. This store went by the name Sugarcube Corner, and was known for its status as the premier party capitol of Ponyville, and living pad of Pinkie Pie.

“Hiya Fluttershy!” a merry smile lit up from behind the counter of the store, attached to the joyous pink pony that it belonged to. The smile dimmed somewhat at the sight of the towering figure standing next to Fluttershy, but revved back up to full blast a split second later. “And Discord too! What’s up?”

“Hello Pinkie Pie” Fluttershy’s dulcet voice flowed out powerfully, letting everypony know that Assertive Fluttershy was speaking. “Discord has something he would like to say to you.”

“Hello Pinkie Pie,” began Discord. “I’m sorry for what I did to you this morning. It was very cruel and unfluttershy. If it makes you feel better, I volunteered to help you this week to make things up to you. Since the Cakes are out for the weekend and I’m supposed to be learning friendship, reasons reasons friendship blah blah, so I’m your slave for this week.” He snapped his paw and a maid outfit similar to those found in the country of Fancy appeared on Discord.

Pinkie Pie raised her eyebrows in surprise. “You told Fluttershy about what you did?”

Discord nodded. “Well, with the exception of Flutters here, you are my favorite element. I would hate to drive you away because of a joke gone wrong. And if anyone knows about forgiveness, it’s Fluttershy.”

Pinkie Pie’s eyes softened. “Aww, that’s so sweet! But I already forgave you. I know reforming is difficult. Even Luna made a scene the first time she came to Ponyville after she reformed.”

“But he still needs to make up for it. That’s why Discord has volunteered to help around Sugarcube Corner this week” Fluttershy put her two bits in, smiling contentedly at such a peaceful resolution to the conflict.

“I’ll have you know, I’m a snap hand at baking!” Discord snapped his lion paw' digits together, and an oven appeared around Discord. The temperature dial climbed from zero to a sign labeled with skull and crossbones. Discord slumped over in the oven, and held up his lion’s paw to the oven’s door. Pushing it open, Discord’s paw disconnected from his arm and promptly proceeded to pull a cake out from behind Discord, and set it on a nearby table.

Retracting his paw, Discord closed the oven door while still inside of it and then took a bow. To Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy’s further astonishment, Discord began to melt into hot chocolate in front of their eyes. As Discord melted in the oven, a put upon expression appeared on his face, and he snapped his not-yet-melted griffin claws.

With a poof, the oven disappeared, and with it Discord. Before either pony could comment on what they had seen, he reappeared in a chef’s hat with an outrageous mustache that would have made Gustave le Grand weep in envy if he had been there to see it. Whipping out what appeared to be two massive barrels, he attached a nozzle to each and hooked them to his back. Hovering over the cake that he had produced, he pulled the trigger on each nozzle. With surprising care and precision, he aimed twin jets of melted chocolate and whipped cream at the cake.

Pinkie and Fluttershy looked curiously at the cake. It stood roughly 2 meters tall and one meter in diameter. A crumbly crust surrounded its bottom and lower sides. Flecks of pink were interwoven in its otherwise milky white filling.

As Discord worked, Pinkie Pie cautiously began to approach the cake. Taking a sniff, she detected a mouthwatering aroma coming from the cake. Completely unable to resist the call of the sugar rush, Pinkie Pie unhinged her jaw and knelt down. She narrowed her eyes at her prey and moved silently at an angle to it, making sure to walk as quickly as she could without alerting it to her presence. In the far off distance, she could hear the echo of a worried voice calling out “Pinkie Pie? What are you doing? Where did you get that suit?” The Guardian of The Prey stood before her, blocking her path. “Tada!” cried The Guardian, stepping out of her way. Serendipitously surprised by the surrender, Pinkieus Pieicus pounced at her prey.

Pinkie Pie awoke to Discord’s smug grin and Fluttershy’s worried face looking up at her through a mountain of discarded cake and frosting. Absentmindedly, Pinkie Pie extended her tongue and licked the frosting off of her face. As she licked the frosting off of the rest of her body, she discovered that, somewhere in her feeding frenzy, she had put of a tiger striped latex ninja suit.

“Well I think the results speak for themselves” Discord said smugly.

Fluttershy mumbled incoherently, wringing her hooves. After breathing in deep calming gasps, Fluttershy finally asked “So, how was it?”

Blinking, Pinkie replied “It was great!”

Discord beamed at her and turned to Fluttershy. “See? I told you I could handle it!”

Fluttershy nodded, and replied “Ok. Just try not to scare off the customers next time. I’m going to tell the ponies hiding behind the door that it’s safe to come in now. Please don’t make me a liar Discord.”

After Fluttershy exited, Pinkie Pie turned to Discord. “Discord.”

Discord turned to Pinkie Pie. “Yes, Pinkie?”

Pinkie Pie cocked her head and one of her eyebrows lifted. “Why did you bake Smooze into that cake?”

Discord’s expression flitted from guilty to confused to intrigued. “How-” he paused, before shaking his head. “It used to be a… well known recipe. It’s irresistible, you know.”

Pinkie Pie’s eyebrows furrowed. “Don’t add Smooze to any more cakes please.”

Discord cocked his head, a neutral expression on his face. “Okie dokie lokie.”

Pinkie Pie stuck her tongue out. “That’s my catchphrase!”

The door opened. “Um” Fluttershy squeaked, before hiding behind her mane.

Pinkie Pie grinned at Fluttershy. “Don’t worry. You go on home. I’ll talk to the big scary crowd.”

“Thank you” mumbled Fluttershy, before bolting out.

“Oh, that Fluttershy” Pinkie Pie shook her head, before poking her head out the door. “Don’t worry ponies! Discord’s just here to help me bake! Wait! Where are you going? Come back!”

Chapter 3

“See you tomorrow!” Pinkie Pie waved as the last customer of the day left the store. As she put up the closed sign, a loud bang resonated from the kitchen. Pinkie jumped. More explosions were heard from the kitchen in quick succession. Pinkie sighed, and galloped over to the kitchen. However, as she approached the door, a box formation of red cupcakes blockaded the doorway. A cupcake hopped forward. This cupcake had a star painted on it with golden frosting.

“Стоп!” it demanded. “то вы?!”

Pinkie stared at it for a moment before shaking her head and taking a step forward.

The cupcakes glowed with magic and turned into an assortment of jewel encrusted rocks that gleamed along jagged contours. They turned their sharp edges towards Pinkie Pie and hovered threateningly. The apparent leader, now a ruby beset chunk of basalt, began singing. “Союз нерушимый республик свободных…”

Pinkie Pie stared the shiny rocks down. “Silly cupcakes. Tricks are for ponies.” She fearlessly continued forward.

The rocks flew at Pinkie. However, just as Pinkie braced for impact, they stopped, magic drained from them. Discord’s head popped out from behind the door.

“Oh, well hello there Pinkie! This batch of cupcakes is revolting! Isn’t it wonderful?” The kitchen was chock full of various sweet pastries, each literally crawling over each other in a writhing mass. While the general trend of motion was towards an oven which seemed to be churning out motionless, non-living pastries, each pastry seemed to be doing something different along the way. Pinkie noted with some joy that a particularly energetic strawberry shortcake was throwing balloons and streamers onto the wall.

“Heya Discord! We’re done for today. Just clean up and you can go home.”

Discord didn’t seem to be paying attention, focusing instead on examining the rock that had been leading the charge against Pinkie. “Say…” he began, turning to face the aforementioned pony. “You never did answer my question.”

Pinkie tilted her head. “What question?”

Discord threw the rock into the air. It sped up, before disappearing into the ceiling without leaving a mark. “Where do the rocks on rock farms go?”

Pinkie felt a weight on top of her head. She fumbled around with her hoof for a moment, before pulling out the missing rock. “You know, I thought about that. My papa told me that pegasi need it for their homes, but I’ve never seen any rocks in Rainbow Dash’s place and I’ve been there loads of times! I thought Rainbow Dash didn’t need rocks because she was so amazing and stuff, but I haven’t seen any rocks in Cloudsdale either! They also don’t have gyrocopters! The first time I went there in mine, a bunch of foals all crowded around me and called it witchcraft! Can you believe it? Me? A witch? I’m a pastry chef! Those aren’t even-”

Discord rolled his eyes. “Yes, that’s terrible. Oh, woe is you!” He tapped his foot impatiently.

“It is terrible!” Pinkie flailed her hooves in the air in emphasis. “Everyone should have a gyrocopter! But I don’t know anything about woe, unless you mean WHOA! It’s a Pinkie Party! I should have a gyrocopter party! We’d teach everyone how to make their own, and then we’d race each other to see who can make the best one! I bet Twilight would love it! She loves learning new things! Ooh! And I bet we can add rockets to Dashie’s so she can go super fast!”

Pinkie reached out and hugged Discord. “That’s a great idea! Thanks for the inspira-what?” As Pinkie embraced Discord, she felt a rough, rocky texture return her touch. Turning to look closer at Discord, she realized that he had turned to stone, his face in the rictus of horror that his physiognomy had taken when the Elements had first defeated him.

Pinkie stared at Discord in horror. “Oh, no no no no no! I didn’t mean to turn you to stone! Bad element! Turn him back right away! Wait, I’m not wearing mine!” She stared suspiciously at the statue. Pinkie twitched her ears and she heard giggling coming from behind her. Sighing, she turned around to see Discord rolling on the floor, struggling to conceal his laughter. Upon being spotted, he saw no point in continuing the charade, and burst out into hysterical laughter.

Pinkie’s mouth twitched upwards, and soon she was on the floor alongside him, giggling and snorting. “You got me good!” cried the pranked prankster of ponyville.

“Bad element!” chortled Discord. “Next you’ll be telling it to roll over and play dead!”

They laughed together for a while, before settling down again.

Discord raised his head from the floor. “You know what?”

Pinkie raised turned her head towards him. “What?”

“You should go ask your parents about those rocks.”

“You know what? I should!”

“Let’s go right now! They’re just a snap of a talon away!”

“Now? But what about the bakery?”

Discord paused, frowning. “Well, maybe I should stay behind and clean up. I don’t think your parents would be too happy with having the spirit of chaos and disharmony showing up at their doorstep anyway.”

Pinkie frowned. “Couldn’t you just snap your talons?”

Discord chortled. “Creator of chaos, remember? That doesn’t clean up messes very well. Besides, you’re just dropping by to say hi. You’ll be there and back in a snap!”

Pinkie’s mouth formed an o shape. “How will you know when I’m ready to come back?”

“Just make some chaos and say my name.” Discord chuckled. “Don’t worry about being mean, though. There are plenty of ways to cause chaos. Playing a prank or making a mess is just as good as breaking a heart or starting a fight. You'll think of something, I'm sure.”

Pinkie took a deep breath. “Okay! Beam me up, Discord!”

Pinkie blinked, and her surroundings changed. Gone were the confectionaries and ovens and bright colours. As she looked around, she found herself in a dank, cavernous room, lit only by two torches on opposite sides of the room. Pinkie saw the silhouettes of eleven earth ponies scattered across the room, in various states of alarm. While the main feature of this room was a circular table with charts and diagrams strewn across its surface, Pinkie Pie’s attention was drawn to the tubular end of a revolver shoved into her face, courtesy of a scarred, cruel looking gryphon.

The gryphon leered down at her. “Who the hell are you?!” it asked.

Pinkie opened her mouth to make a new friend, but a new, familiar voice interrupted. “Pinkamena? Is that you?” A male earth pony with brown skin and grey hair pushed his way to the front of the pack. His wrinkled face peered down at her. “What on Earth are you doing here?”

Pinkie beamed up at him. “Hi papa!”