Small bodies, big mouths

by Hoopy McGee

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Adventure
Length: 1016

Cinnamon Swirl meets Bruce. It goes about as well as could be expected.

Cinnamon Swirl: Ex-police officer and one-time stallion, now reduced to young fillyhood by a chance encounter with poison joke.

Bruce: A thirty-two year old human male, brought to Equestria under mysterious circumstances and stuck into the body of a young earth pony colt.

These two were destined to meet. But will Equestria survive the encounter?
An Oh to be Old Again/School of Hard Knocks crossover that is completely non-canon to both stories!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-03 02:14:08 UTC

Chapter 01:

  Each tick of the clock sliced off another sliver of my patience as the school day wore on. Miss Persimmon had kept the lesson load light that day, promising a “big surprise” after lunch. And now that lunch was past, I was stuck in a room full of hyperactive colts and fillies, all of them on the edge of their seats and waiting for whatever their surprise was.

  “What do you think it is?” Plum Pudding asked from behind me.

  I grunted in reply, the same as I had the last three times she’d asked me that question. I didn’t have to turn around to see her pout. I knew it was there, aimed at the back of my head with deadly intent.

  Our teacher had left the room while she went to get whatever the “surprise” was. I wasn’t sure that it was wise to leave us alone. The classroom was on edge, the pressure building steadily higher and getting ready to blow.

  Hoofsteps from outside the classroom quieted the students down. Every head turned to the door as Miss Persimmon opened it and came inside with a big smile on her burnt-orange muzzle. Well, every head but mine. I was trying to get some sleep.

  “Class, can I have your attention, please?” the teacher asked, wasting her breath. She already had the undivided attention of everypony in the room. Even me. I sighed as I gave up on my nap and glared at her wearily. “I promised you a surprise, and here it is! Miss Cheerilee, could you come on in, please?”

  Murmers of confused disappointment echoed around the room as a purple mare came trotting in with a friendly smile on her face. I could sense the dissatisfaction from the class around me, but I put it out of my mind as I straightened in my seat.

  “Miss Cheerilee is going to be visiting our town for the rest of the week! And she even brought some new fillies and colts with her for an extended field trip!” Miss Persimmon flashed a tight smile around the room, a strained imitation of the more genuine smile on the other teacher’s face. “And, later on in the year, anypony who wants to stay a few days in Ponyville can sign up and go with me to that town!”

  Miss Cheerilee caught me staring and gave me a confused but welcoming smile. I recognized this mare, of course. She was somepony from the town I had lived in before the poison joke hit me. Before I changed from a burly police stallion to a tiny school filly because of some twisted sense of horticultural humor. The other students in Miss Persimmon’s class were dealing with the dawning realization that their big surprise was a visitor from another town. I was dealing with the thought that here was a mare that might be able to get the poison joke cure for me.

  “Hello, everypony,” Cheerilee said in a pleasant voice. “It’s very nice to meet you all!”

  “This is our surprise?” a voice said behind me.

  “Yes, Vanilla Sweet.” Miss Persimmon replied to the class bully.

  “Laaaaaame,” Vanilla said, triggering giggles from the rest of the class and a blush from Cheerilee. Miss Persimmon flushed too, but not from embarrassment.

  “In the hall, young lady,” she said harshly, pointing a hoof at the door. When the filly didn’t move, she added, “Now! I’ll be out to deal with you in a minute.”

  A grumbling Vanilla Sweet slid out of her chair and slouched her way out into the hallway. She managed to give me a shove with her shoulder as she went. We weren’t on the best of terms these days.

  “Ahem,” Cheerilee said. “Well, yes. I’m your surprise, and I’m sorry if it’s not more exciting. Still! I’ve brought some new friends for you to play with! Children, could you come in?”

  Five fillies and three colts came in, some of them with backs hunched and heads down as if they expected to be attacked by a tiger. Two of the fillies, both earth ponies, looked around the classroom with an air of smug self-satisfaction that instantly got on my nerves. Another filly, an orange pegasus with a dark pink mane, was looking around with wide eyes and a cocky grin. The rest of them looked around with various levels of apprehension.

  “I’d like to introduce you all. This is Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, Snips, Snails and Bruce. Say ‘hi’ to everypony!”

  As the colts and fillies greeted the class, I couldn’t help frowning at that last one. Bruce. One hell of an odd name for a pony. He was one of the hunched-over ones, with a haunted look on his face as if he expected to be attacked any second now. Earth pony, blue mane, blue coat. About my size, which suggested he was probably younger than the other students from Ponyville.

  He happened to catch me looking at him. His head came up, and his hunched posture vanished. His face contorted into an angry scowl. “Just what the hell are you looking at, filly?”

  “I’d say ‘a boil on the ass of a diamond dog’, but those don’t come in blue,” I growled back.

  Cheerilee stopped what she’d been saying, some speech or other about how she hoped we would all get along and learn from each other. She looked back and forth between us with a stunned expression on her face. Miss Persimmon just sighed and rubbed at the bridge of her muzzle.

  “You know I’m going to have to give you detention for that, don’t you, Cinnamon Swirl?” she asked.

  I bit back my first reply. And my second. Instead of saying what I really thought, I forced out the words, “Yes, Miss Persimmon.”

  My narrowed eyes wandered back over to the blue colt. My ears flattened against my skull as I saw his snarky grin directed back at me. I knew right then that I was in for one hell of a long week.