After Richtofen's Endgame
From the eyes of Edward Richtofen and Samuel J. Stuhlinger
So, did you read ze comments Samuel?
Yep, what do they think this is, a full fledged story?
So many silly dumkoffs.
Hey, did you change your voice?
Ehh... Ja, let go vith zat.
So, we woke up, and Russman, just slept in. Can't blame him.
He is so old.
Yeah, I guess so.
So, ve vent to ze shower. You shtink Sammy.
You try finding running water in an apocalypse.
I did, it vas a waterfall. Zere vere screeching zombies, und a drunk Russian man, zat vas so wet... Oh, so wet.
Okay, so I cleaned up, and put on my old set of clothes, still dirty. Why did we do that?
Nevermind, something had to happen, so I went for breakfast, and saw Misty and that jerk, Marlton.
Marlton is a bit of a jackass, even zough he's ze only one I can speak to on a intellectual level.
"Sup!" I said.
"Hello Stuhlinger." Marlton said. "And salutations, Dr. Richtofen."
"Zank you Marlton."
"Where is Russman? Sleeping in like a lazy bum?" I fucking hate that guy.
"Yes, he is. Asshole."
"So, what are we waitin' for, dark pony thing?"
"We are waiting for a good friend, her name is Twilight Sparkle."
Pff, what a stupid name.
I zink it's nice.
You weren't born in the 1990's, were you?
Erm, I'd razzer not say vhen.
Why?
Erm... oh look, ve must get ze story moving now. Let's go~.
At that point, Russman came in, and boy was he tired.
"Oh, hello there Russman. Have you sufficiently rested up your body to the point where you won't collapse, especially in some unfavorable locations like, oh I don't know, the top of a huge stairway?"
"Fuck you Darlington," Russman said. "I don't need your crap."
"Yeah, me neither." I said.
Hmm, come to zink of it...
"Um, ja, excuse me, Princess?"
"Yes, Edward?"
"Vhen are zey coming here?"
"Around noontime. Why?"
"To prepare, ja! Prepare."
"I, for one, agree with Richtofen. We will need sufficient time to prepare for the coming of this pony, Twilight Sparkle."
"And her friends."
We saw that Celestia came in, in a gown, and a crown.
"Hey-ey, it's the princess!" Misty yelled out.
"Good morning to you too, Misty."
I waved at the princess. She's scary.
Vhat? Vhy? She's so nice to me.
Yeah, that's the problem. She's too nice.
"Oh, and another thing." She said in a serious tone. Oh, I knew it!
"It seems that you coming here has caused... others to come too."
"Others?" Marlton asked, vell, nervously.
"Umm, how do you know?"
"I AM THE SHINIEST MEAT BICYCLE!!!"
Und zere he vas, a masked man, vith some kind of track pants, und a big axe. Oh, it looked so vunderbar.
"Holy, who the hell's that?"
"Big, brutal blood-letters, being brutally, bad, badass bastards, becoming beasts before bones bomb benign, bloodily!"
"Oh, alteration. How good." I said, clapping. He was ripped too, nyah ha.
Are you sure you're not gay, or anything?
Who cares?
"Umm, he scares me."
"SCARY MEANS FEAR, AND FEAR IS YUMMY, LIKE BACON AND EGGS!!!"
"Oh dear, he seems to be suffering from Manic... GYAH!" Darlington was grabbed by the collar by that scary guy with the buzzsaw axe. I hope he kills him.
"Ah, let go of me! You are unclean!"
"YA HA!!!"
"Hey! Drop him!" Misty yelled at the dude. He just stared, creepily if you ask me.
I zink he vould have a field day at mein vorld.
I think he'd make me have a field day, in my pants.
"Fine then pretty lady!"
"Pretty la... AHH Oh... auugh, the floor, so dirty..."
"The only difference between you four and him is that he needs to go home, which we will do."
Und zen Celestia did ze magics und zen zat guy disappeared.
Good, he scared me so much... oh God.
"Well, that was different. I probably would've liked the guy." Russman said.
"Oh yes, like the guy who touched me, dropped me, and threatened me."
"Shut up Darlington."
The nerd just got up from his ass, and walked over to the seat. At that point, I saw something, and knew what to do.
"Hey, Marly!"
"What?" Oh, he was pissed alright.
"You got blood on your shirt."
"Oh ja, blood."
"What? On my... auugh, nooo! Someone disinfect this, disinfect, AUUHHGH!!!"
Sucks to be you, Darlington.
"Well, I suppose..."
"Your highness, the bearers of the Elements of Harmony are here."
"Thank you, Braveheart. Let them in, and take them to me."
'Braveheart' nodded and left. Now I wanted to know one thing. Misty thought the same thing as me?
"The hell are the 'Elements of Harmony'?"
"Ah, yes, they are Equestria's most potent defense against threats."
"Is it like... nuclear physics of some kind?"
"What's nuclear?" Oh Celestia, you just made me happy man by letting Marlton get a look of shock.
"Oh, okay then..." Und he slipping into his seat. He is sad, so sad.
Several minutes, we heard some walking noises. "Here they come." I said.
"'Bout damn time." Misty got up, and so did Marlton.
Zis vill be fun.
We soon saw six... pony-things come in. One was purple. One was white. One was yellow.
Oh for... let me describe zem!
Ze Purple one vas a unicorn, because of ze horn, und she vas vearing a skirt, vith a button-up shirt. Fitting. Purple hair, vith a pink and purple stripe. Zen, zere vas a white unicorn, vith really curly hair.
How the fuck did she do something like that?
Maybe a lot of hairgel? Anyvay, she vas vearing a button-up shirt, und dress pants. Zere vas an orange Earth Pony, dressed kinda like Misty, except not as provocative. Und ze hat, ze hat. Und zen ze pink one, dressed in all pink, pink jeans, pink shirt, she liked pink.
My... Our eyes are kinda hurting.
Zen a blue, rainbow-maned one, vearing sports clothes.
And a yellow one, in a green hoodie. Hey, long-ass, pink hair.
"Princess, are these the creatures you told us about?" The purple one said.
"Well, who else could it be?" Misty said.
"Huh, kinda sounds like you Applejack."
Applejack? Ha, sounds like that cereal thing.
"So, these things are... not from here?" The white one said, in a fancy-ass accent.
"Indeed. I am Marlton Johnson, indisputable genius!"
"And a douche." It was true. I could see the glare from him.
"Name's Misty, we've been fighting in a disaster world, we're here now. Whoop-de-do!"
"Name's Russman, and I am too old for fighting, but I did it. Can't even remember a time I didn't fight. Wait, where am I? Who are you, huge white thing?"
"Oh, vunderbar, Russman lost his memory, again."
"Did you..."
"Long story, My name's Samuel, and the guy who roommating with me is Edward, not Ed, Edward."
"Glad you remember Sammy. Now, about ze facial hair..."
"No. Fucking. Way."
"Wow, they're crude." Rainbow head said.
"Indeed." Marlton replied.
A long silence. Ze tension is killing mein head.
Yeah, and killing my stomach.
Zat reminds me, how vas ze salad last night?
Gross...
Vell zat is vhy you are fat und ugly.
You are a jerkface, you know that?
Nya-ha!
"Very well." The princess started off. "We will let you decided on your living conditions when you go to Ponyville."
"Ponyville, really?" What the fuck man?
I zink it's clever.
"Yes Samuel, really."
"Alright, what can we eat there?"
"I can make some splendorific cupcakes for everyone!" The pink one yelled.
"I am intolerant to sugar and dairy."
"And I don't think it is a good idea to eat cake on account of my old age."
"Well, I don't care you two, CUPCAKES!!!"
"You vill only have one, two if you behave."
"Aww, come oooon!"
"You need to lose ze weight Samuel."
"Eeyup, you do." Misty agreed vith me. Ja.
"Grrrr..."
"Fine, let us go to this Ponyville and finally live out the rest of our lives in peaceful non-violence." Marlton said as a know-it-all would say it.
Vith no reason to argue, ve vent to ze train station, und ve left.
Hey, Sammy. Sammy. Sammy Sammy Sammy Sammy. SAMMY!!! SAMMY!!!
WHAT!?!?
Ve apparently don't exist.
Umm, who gives a shit?
Vell...
Ah ah, don't say it!
Author's Note
Ehh, don't care for the Origins ending.
Vell, Zis is ze Beginning
After Richtofen's Endgame
From the eyes of Edward Richtofen and Samuel J. Stuhlinger
Hello mien fruends. Wunderbar day ve are having, no?
Anyvay, if you are reading zis, you are inside mien head.
And mine, also mine!
Ja, Samuel's head too. I am Dr. Edward Richtofen, und I am ze sole controller of zis realm!
You're the sole controller of... something... Shut up!
Oh dear don't bust a gut Samuel, it's my gut too.
Anyvay, my victory has given me ultimate power! But alas, zis power come at a terrible price. My new body is in constant danger, und it needs protection. Zat is vhy ve are going to a new realm, one not inhabited by zombies.
Oh joy, at least there will be easy food there. I'm not good at scavenging that much.
Alright. So, vhat are ve doing reading zis pointless introduction section, let's get to it!
I am building a teleporter out of spare parts in zat buried town place right now. It isn't obvious to you because you can only see this story from our perspective. Und you are not really smart, so I have to put it in dumb person terms.
"Who are you calling a dumb person?"
I turned to see an old negro. His name is Russman. He is Samuel's bestest friend in ze whole, vide vorld.
Yeah, he's pretty awesome.
"Oh, did I say zat out loud? Sorry Russman, von't happen again."
"Whatever, I preferred it if Stu had his own body, instead of you sharing it with him."
"Und vhy is zat?"
"Remember last night?"
"Hmmmmm..."
"No, not really, no."
"Figures. What are you doing with that doohickey?
"It's a teleporter. It going to take us to a new, magical land, outside of zis universe."
"Huh, maybe I can finally get some damn rest for once, my bones aren't what they used to be."
"Good. Misty, you finished screwing in ze bolts?"
"Eeyup, it's go-hoo-oood!" Abigail 'Misty' Briarton, she vas a farm girl, vith brown hair, und freckles.
Fucking bitch.
Sam doesn't like her, I don't like her either, reminds me of Dempshey. Shtupid American.
One thing we agree on at least.
"Vunderbar. Marlton, ze circuit-board?"
A brown haired man vith thick glasses und a red tie looked at me. He's almost as smart as me. Almost.
"Almost finished, a request such as yours requires delicate pro..."
"Ja ja, I only care if it's finished, zere is no need for ze useless banter you can go off into at times. Still, you are not a dumkoff like ze ozzers."
"Thank you, as for the circuit-board, it. Is. Done!"
*CLLK*
"Ja, now ve need large amounts of Element 115."
"Can I come out now?"
"Errm, ja, you can."
"Good."
You see, this guy here told me what to do. In Washington, in China, and in this shit town. At least the candy shop's good.
Ja, candy, it's sweet.
Anyway, the reason I can hear him is because of a poor decision I made, I don't want to talk about it!
Ze are called Ze Flesh, und ze ate dead zombies. Sammy vas vith zem before leaving for some reason.
You... I hate you now.
Haahhh... Zis... Vas not ze best idea I had, to be honest.
We're getting off topic, these readers, they want entertainment, entertainment that makes the conspiracies reveal themselves for the lies they are.
Fine, go on ahead. I'm... just gonna see vhat you see.
"Okay, so... Ed, what... what are we lookin' for?"
"Element 115, do I need to explain it to you?"
"Umm, what does it look like?"
"Is this it?" Marlton asked.
Strangest rock I've ever seen.
"Ja, it is! Now, put it in ze compartment. Ve need... hmmm... 15 pounds of it."
"15 pounds! Where the hell are we gonna get that stuff?" Misty said.
"Vell... ve can alvays go to ze surface."
...
...
...
...
"Vhat, vhat'd I miss?"
"You know what, let's just go."
"Sure thing, Darlington!"
"Samuel, manners!"
"Heh, you know, I think I like this Richtofen."
"Zank you Misty."
"Fuck you Misty."
"Let's go. Schnell!"
And we just... ran off. We found the damn rocks we needed, and we went back to the site, put the rocks in the compartment, and let it rip!
Like zat moment earlier.
Hey, whoever smelt it, dealt it!
"Good, now, let's get out of zis shtinkhole. I am about to throw up, it's not good."
"Is this thing safe?" Marlton asked.
"Oh ja, sure. Ze worst that's gonna happen is nausea..." I said as I turned the knobs randomly. "Und zen zere is ze explosive diarrhea."
"The what now?" Russman said. I wasn't too sure either, I mean, nausea, diarrhea.
"Well, at least both are manageable, but are you even aware of where we are going to now?" Marlton's concerns had structure, I vill admit zat.
"Umm, vell, I'll admit, I'm really am just making zis up as I go, really."
"What?"
"What?"
"What?"
"What?"
"LET'S GO!!!"
I pressed ze button, und now ve are going to anozzer dimension. JOOOOOOY!!!
HOLY CRAP!!!
*BRRIIIRRRrrrr...*
"Everyone okay?"
"Oh my... Errr... you were right... sudden symptoms of nausea has just came over me. I about to perform emesis." Marlton said as he vomited his guts out. Vell, not literally, alzough, zat does seem arousing.
You're a sick-fuck, you know that?
"Ohhh... Russman sick to his stomach."
"Augh, me too. But I can keep it down... oh God..."
Haha, Misty's vomiting. Oh, God, I'm vomiting too. "UAGH... BLAUGH!!!"
You should have und antacid, vorks vonders on ze stomach.
"Oh... uh... thank you miss." Marlton said as he took a towel from a person we never met before. He took one look, one look, and was shocked at what he saw. I'd be too, she had wings, and a fucking horn!
"What... the... hell! EDWARD!!!"
"JAJAJA, I see her! At least ve know zat ze device vorked."
"What is wrong with your eyes? Who are you?"
"Russman seen some crazy shit over his lifetime, but this almost takes the cake."
"Oh, yes it would, 'take the cake'... which by the way I cannot eat, for I am intolerant of sugar and dairy."
"Marly, sweetie, we have a problem."
"Please tell me who you four are." The... mutant said.
"Ahem, let me explain. Zat old man, his name is Russman."
"Pleasure to meet you ma'am."
"Ze voman is Misty."
"Sup?" Misty said that in a cautious tone. Ha, not so tough now, are you?
"His name is Marlton."
"Um... salutations, my... acquaintance. As he said, I am Marlton, Marlton Johnson, and I am talking to a white furred woman with wings, a horn, and a hairstyle that defies the laws of physics, hehe."
"Pony, actually."
"Wait, what are you..."
"Oh, I see vhat happened, you are a combination of ponies, und humans, zis is wunderbar."
"Humans? Is that what you are?"
"Yes we are. We are an omnivorous, highly intelligent species from another dimension that have adaptive capabilities, variety of genetics that allow for skin tones, eye color and a variety of other things, advance weaponry..."
"Und ve are a science oriented group, ja. It is how I'm sharing a body vith mien freund, Samuel. I am Edward Richtofen, at your service." I took her hand, und kissed it, gently.
"Oh, well... nice to meet you... five? I am not sure it you count as two Edward, or Samuel or..."
"Please, just count us as one person, under me, because this was my body first!"
"Okay Samuel. I am Princess Celestia."
"Princess?" Russman was thinking the same thing as me.
"Oh, so this is a monarchy?" Marlton asked.
"Yes, but if you want to be specific Marlton, principality."
"What now?" Huh, I wouldn't have expected a voman like Misty to know zat.
"It means zat she is ze ruler of zis country, a small one, but a country nonetheless."
"I see you and Marlton are well versed in the intelligent arts."
"Zank you Celestia."
"If I may, why have you come to this world?"
"Oh, well, if you want to know, zombie apocalypse, all because of conspiracy!"
"Here we go again."
"Shut up Misty."
"Zombies? My word, you all must have been through so much."
"Believe me, you don't know half of it." Russman said, matter of fact.
"Okay..." She backed up a bit. I did so too, she's suspicious. I bet this was con...
Samuel, shut. Ze fuck. UP!
"Ja, ja... listen, do you have any beds?"
"Eeyup, I haven't had a full night's sleep in months." Misty leaned back, und I heard pops. I vish ze vere louder, zat sounds fun.
"Very well. You may all rest if you like. Guards!"
Four gold armored guys came in, with spears, and pistols. Guess the spears are for show.
Ja...
"And another thing, I will need to confiscate your weapons, they are restricted to military and VIP protection uses only in this world."
"Very well, I will respect your laws to the letter." Marlton handed over his DSR-50, vhich is so big, und long, und stiiiiiff.
Are you... OH GOD, YOU ARE!!!
I cannot help it. I used somezing much bigger before zough, hehe.
"Fine, but I won't like it!" Misty gave up her Remington over.
"Russman would still like to see stuff blowing up in this place." Ze Russman gave up his War Machine. Pity, it vas pretty... explosive. Nyaha!
That was terrible, and you should know it.
Oh ja, it vas, but vhy not?
"Alright... here's my two guns." I gave Celestia my six-shooter, and my Executioner. I will miss you, beloved guns.
Ze are just guns Sam.
I know but... they are so awesome!
"Thank you and it is with my pleasure to welcome you all to Equestria."
"Is zat so? Vunderbar. I vill enjoy zis new realm."
"I hope you do. Edward, I hope you do."
All four of us vent vith a single guard. Russman und us got ze same room. Und I'm sure zose ozzers vere in anozzer room together too. Ve both decided to just go to sleep. No short chats... yet.
Vell, zat vent better ze expected, ja?
Well? We're in a world, with fucking horse-man hybrids!
Stop zat negativity Samuel, und enjoy ze finer zings in life.
Fine, but I still don't like this.
Blah, blah blah. Shut up! Ve're done now!
Author's Note
The pictures were made by a guy named bookerdebomb. You should check his art out. Like now. Right now. Anytime now. You paying attention?
