My Little Mercenary, Friendship Makes Me Trigger Happy

by Chad

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Discord, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, Spike, Comedy, Other, Adventure, Crossover, Sex
Length: 9849

We know him as Deadpool. We see him as an insane mercenary who won't shut up. Now what would our pony friends do if he got stuck in their world and they had to put up with him and be against him at the same time? Well why don't ya find out?

When an author from a faraway land is bored and kinda horny, he forces Deadpool to to go to Equestria. Now, with tons of pussy to destroy, Deadpool must save the world from Princess Celestia before she becomes an illegal immigrant on Earth and takes over humanity.

Will he save the world? Will he smoke some dank kush? Will he rob a bank? Will he question his life choices? Will he fall in love? Will he- Okay just read the shit.

Published 2013-08-05 04:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-02-17 23:31:59 UTC

The Anti-Hero's Story Begins

Deadpool was playing Team Fortress 2 on his computer in his dirty apartment at night. "Shit! Why does the Blu team win every time." Deadpool said as he looked at the scores which read Red two Blu twenty. "This is to easy for the Blu team! I'm going to go get on a random server." Deadpool said as he exited to the main screen, pulled up the servers, and closed his eyes as he clicked on a server.

[Are you sure that's a good idea?]

"What could go wrong?" Deadpool said as he came out of the spawn zone for Red team and looked around to find out he was in a My Little Pony themed map. "AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! The pretty colors! make them stop!" Deadpool screamed unaware he had his mic on.

"What did he just say!?" Asked a brony that was playing as a heavy with a medic next to him aiming his minigun at Deadpool who was playing as sniper which put him in the perfect spot for spawn camping.

"Oh hey Cole, y-ya know all that threatening I did to get my story to come out um... Well, could we just forget about that?" Deadpool asked as I told my medic to ubercharge me.

{Nice knowing ya Wade.}

Before Deadpool could reply to his subconscious I let the bullets fill him up.

"NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Deadpool screamed as he watched his sniper class die and respawn over and over again until his phone rang. Deadpool exited the game, pulled up Google.com just in case he needed to look something up, and answered his phone. "Yello." Deadpool said as he walked over to his wall of weapons and stared at them.

"Deadpool! It's me, Spider Man, I-" Deadpool hung up on Spiderman.

"Pass." Deadpool said as he did so.

Before Deadpool set the phone down he got another call.

[Well aren't we the popular one.]

Deadpool answered it. "What's up?"

"Deadpool I-" Deadpool hung up the second he heard Wolverine's voice.

The phone rang yet again, and Deadpool answered it once again. "Who is it and what do you want?"

"Wade!" Yelled Cable.

"Hey, Cable, what can I do for ya and how're ya gonna pay?" Deadpool asked as he went into the living room and sat down in his armchair.

"Haven't you heard!? The United States is under attack by zombies!" Cable yelled, angry that Deadpool did not know that chaos is taking place right outside his door as they speak.

{Yay! We're gonna fight zombies!}

[Well then, should we take the job or not?]

"We can't do that!" Deadpool yelled.

"Why not!?" Cable yelled back.

"Oh sorry, Cable, that wasn't for you. Anyways, to answer your question, It's dinner time and I have a taco waiting for me." Deadpool said as he pulled a taco out of his pocket and took a big sniff of it.

"Come on! You've killed tons of people before and so far the law enforcers have killed more zombies than you!" Cable yelled, not realizing Deadpool was not listening and instead licking his fingers while making obnoxious noises; showing that he enjoyed the taco a lot.

"Don't worry I'll be there soon." Deadpool said standing up and walking back towards his weapons.

"Hurry! And bring all the fire power you can!" Cable said before Deadpool hung up on him, put his two katanas on his back, and his two handguns in there holsters.

Deadpool was walking through the streets of the big city he lived in with far more guns than he needed.

"Yeah he's right, I brought two shotguns and put them on my back with my katanas, two SMGs which are on the back of my belt, and those two awesome laser guns. You know, the ones from my game." Deadpool said happy that he stole my thunder which I would get revenge for him doing so.

"Wait, what?" Deadpool said as he watched someone get one of their ribs ripped out by a zombie.

[Shouldn't we be killing the zombies?]

Oh trust me, you will be wanting to save your ammo. Because there is no ammo where you are going.

"Shut up Cole, I'm trying to have a zombie adventure here." Deadpool said, unaware of the website he was on.

{We're just going to ignore you.}

Ignore this!

Just as I said that a large muscular zombie mutant thing ran up to Deadpool. "Charger!" Screamed an old war veteran that was near by as the zombie slammed into him so hard in his teleportation belt that it began to make noises and then all Deadpool saw was black.

"Uuuuhhhggg... What the hell." Deadpool said as he slowly got up. Deadpool looked around to find himself in a spooky forest. "Hmmm... Where are we?"

[How should we know we're your subconscious.]

{Maybe Coleyon knows.}

[Yeah Cole, where are we?]

Leave a message after the beep. *BEEEEEEEP*

"Fuck this, lets get outta here before some more of those zombies show up or," Deadpool froze for a moment. "Zombie babies." He said with a shudder then began to walk along a path that he had woke up on.

Deadpool heard a growl next to him. He slowly turned to his left thinking that mutant zombie came back for more but instead saw three teenage... Dragons?

"Hey um... Freak! Give us those...Um, things you have on your back and belt." Said the one in the middle.

Deadpool just stared at them without expression.

"Hey! I said give us those werid tools or whatever they are." Said the middle one again.

"Why do you want them?" Deadpool asked.

"Because we're dragons and we can do what we want!" Yelled the one on the right side.

"Yeah! Because we're dragons!" Yelled the one on the left side with a rounder shape than the other two.

"Hello there, I'm Deadpool and these are my bombs!" He shouted as he threw a live grenade into the fat ones mouth just as he was going to say something back. Before the retards knew what was up, our anti-hero had gotten behind a tree as dragon meat went every where. When Deadpool came out from behind the tree he noticed the other two did not die but were covered in their friend's fat and blood.

"M-M-Mmmommy!" Yelled the leader dragon as they flew off in fear while Deadpool laughed.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh man, I don't know where on earth I am but I sure am lovein' it." Deadpool said as he began to walk down the path again.

[Shouldn't we be worried?]

"Abooooooout?" Deadpool asked.

{Well that dragon went crying to his mommy and adult dragons are suppost to be-}

"RAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!" Deadpool stopped the second he heard the dragon.

"I hope that's farther than I-" Deadpool shut up when he turned around to be face to face with a dragon. "H-Hey there, girl." Deadpool said, full of fear as he picked up a large branch. " Fetch." He threw it into the woods.

The dragon gave him a glare.

[Wade.]

{We think you pissed her off}

Author's Note

Fuck, I used to suck cunts at writing. Anyways, I hope you all like it without as much fuck-ups.

As for anyone new, trust me when I say that it gets better.

Problem?

"W-Wha-Wha-What?" Deadpool spouted, not knowing what to do.

[Then we'll tell him what to do.]

{Run, Bitch! RUUUUUNNNNN!!!}

Deadpool then turned around and took off as fast as he could. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" He screamed as the momma dragon flew up into the air and began to chase after the insane mercenary.

[Shouldn't you be giving the readers a description of the dragon or her kids that were in the last chapter?]

One, the teenage dragons are in the show and two, when you do not give a description of something that the readers already know what it looks like, it makes it different for each reader because they are using their imagination.

{Wow, for some reason that makes sense.}

Yeah, now shut the fuck up, I'm making art here!

Meanwhile, in PonyTown.

"Alright girls, Princess Celestia wants us to go check out what that giant 'portal-like-thing' was out in the Ever Free Forest and we're not letting her down!" The not yet alicorn princess Twilight said to her friends and Spike while they walked on a trail that led into the Swagged Out Forest.

"Finally! I was wondering why you wanted us to follow you." Said Rainbow Dash, who was now less bored and confused.

"Probably because the author hasn't desided to focus on us up untill now!" Said Pinkie Pie, bouncing happily untill she started talking really fast.

The rest of the mane six and Spike turned and look at Pinkie Pie with confusion, which means they do not know what she was talking about incase you are a retard.

"Aaaaahhhh!" The colorful shits heard the faint noise of someone screaming.

"Who the hay do ya think that is?" Applejack asked with her westernly western like voice.

"I don't know but it sounds like he's getting closer." Stated Twilight as she saw the dragon come into view.

"It's a dr-dr-dra-dragon!" Yelled Rarity as they all began to back away from the forest.

"Fluttershy save us!" Yelled Spike as he got back on top of Twilight's incase they had to hoof it. (Hardy-Fucking-Har).

"AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!" Our Anti-Hero screamed as he passed by our pony friends that did not see him because they were all focused on the dragon.

{Hey, Wade, aren't those laser gun things explosive?}

Deadpool stopped running about ten feet away from the mane six and FuckFace. "Oh yeah, I almost forgot." He said before he grabbed them from his sides and tured around. "Die you unholy lizard, DIE!!!" He screamed as opened fire on the momma dragon; causing nasty, bloody holes to strangely appear all over her.

While Deadpool was enjoying his work, the mane 6 watched in horror while Spike had thrown up and began to cry; but not to much because he is a man!

[Why do you like to make others look good?]

Well I didn't make Brad look to good in my other story.

{You said you felt terrible about that once you rewatched Equestria Girls and remembered how nice he was.}

I DON'T CAAAAAAARRRRRRREEEEEEE!!!!!

"STOP! YOU'RE KILLING HER!!!" Screamed Twilight, who knew that it was against the law to kill dragons. You see, Princess Celestia did not want to start a war between the two extremely stupid races... For tax purposes.

"Pffft, hey look a talking a horse." Our Ant-Hero said as he stopped shooting the dragon, but it was too late. The momma dragon was as dead as a jew's generosity. Deadpool dropped his laser guns on the ground, ran up to the dead dragon, passing the ponies once again, and got on top of the dragons head with his katanas pulled out. "Now then, I need proof that I killed a dragon."

"Stop right there, MURDERER!" Twilight yelled like the awful movie she was as she and the rest of her friends, exept for Rarity who was trying to comfort Spike, ran up to Deadpool and gave him a very stern glare so that he would feel bad.

Despite their best glares, Deadpool did even feel like giving them a turd. "I have slain thou mighty beast and now for my reward!" Deadpool stabbed both of his katanas into the neck of the dead dragon and began to slice both ways downward untill he reached the bottom, fully decapitating the dragon.

The mane 6 gasped an unholy gasp while Deadpool proceeded to do a backflip off the dragons head, walked over to the nose, and began to drag it towards PonyTown.

"You. You. Monster!" Yelled Rarity as Deadpool dragged the dragon by her.

"Stop!" Twilight yelled, getting just a little bit Deadpool's attention as she ran and got up infront of him.

"Awww, that is so cute." Deadpool said as he picked her up like a baby and began to pet her mane. "Who's a cute little pony? You are, yes, you are."

Meanwhile, on Earth.

A brony with a tee-shirt that read 'Twilight is best pony' was aggressively staring at a TV in a store while zombies were eating people. "Come on! First, Flash Sentry, now this!" He then promptly committed suicide by swallowing his own fedora.

Meanwhile, where you just were a moment ago.

Twilight was at a loss for words as Deadpool pet her mane and made funny faces under his mask like he was holding a baby.

"You're so cute, you remind me of Mr. Shuggums." Deadpool said. "Damnit, now I miss him."

All of a sudden, a convenient portal appeared above Deadpool and Mr. Shuggums fell out of it, because I say so.

"Thanks, Coleyon! You're not completely useless!" Deadpool yelled into the air as he dropped Twilight and began to pet Mr. Shuggums. Mr. Shuggums proceeded to lick his master's face. "Red rocket, RED ROCKET!" Deadpool cried out, making his dog stop and sit.

"Hey!" Yelled Twilight while getting off the ground.

"Aaawwwww, are you sad that I stopped paying attention to-" Deadpool's sentence was cut short as two hooves of a surtain pony with a cowboy hat met the side of his head, knocking him out like a pussy.

Author's Note

Fuck a face, you waste of oxygen.

Boooooooooorrrrrrrriiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnngggggggg!!!

[Wha-What!? Did we just get knocked out from that!?]

{Yeah, what's so confusing about that?}

[Oh, I don't know, except the fact that we got knocked out from a pony kick!]

{I'm still not following.}

[Getting shot in the head only knocks us out for what? An hour? So how does a pony kick knock us out!?]

{Maybe we won't be out for long.}

[I really doubt that.]

Deadpool started to wake up.

[You did that on purpose.]

"Uuugggghhh... What the?" Deadpool said as he looked around to see Rainbow Dash and AppleJack dragging him by with their teeth.

"Oh no, he's awake!" Yelled Rainbow Dash after she dropped him and got into a fighting position.

"How is that possibly!? I bucked him in the side of the head!" AppleFuck yelled doing the same.

"How long have I been out?" Deadpool asked as he began to load his shotguns like the main 6 were not watching.

"Five minutes." Stated Twilight.

"Okay then, I guess if I stand here much longer you'll all try to knock me out again sooo." Deadpool finished by pointing the shotguns at the main 6. "Nighty night little po-" Before Deadpool could finish his sentence a hole was blasted into his chest from behind.

"That's for our friend!" Yelled the leader of the teenage dragons who was holding one of Deadpool's laser guns.

"Yeah!" Yelled the other one as he jumped in front of Deadpool, grabbed one of his handguns from it's holster, and put a bullet in his head.

The second Deadpool hit the ground the shotgun that was in his left hand went off and shot the dragon's foot off.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" The dragon screamed as he held his footless leg.

The leader dragon sat there in shock for a moment, because he is retarded, then flew off as fast as he could. The mane six, on the other hand, were all either trying swallow their vomit or covering their eyes.

"I can't take this any more!" Rarity yelled as she ran home, hoping she would not have to see any more blood and gore. I then let out a sigh of relief, because Rarity is a terrible, terrible living organism. AppleJack said something, but I was not paying attention.

"BTW, Spike and Fluttershy went home, lol." Twilight said, trying to be cool and hip by talking like a white girl.

"W-Wha-... What's going on with his body?" Asked Rainbow Dash as she watched in awe while the hole in Deadpool's chest began to grow back together.

"Eeeeewww! He did something that involved biological science!" Said Pinkie Pie, who had been quite up until now. Pinkie then looked up into the sky like she was expecting something.

What?

"Oh it's just that lots of authors make jokes about me talking alot." Pinkie said to me.

Well that's rude.

"I know but I guess I do talk alot." Pinkie said alittle upset for being made fun of for that.

I promise Pinkie Pie that I will never make one of those jokes.

"Reeeeaaalllllly?" Pinkie asked, knowing that I am a lying, little shit.

Yeah.

"Pinkie Pie promise?" Pinkie asked.

Fuck, fine, cross my heart and hope to fly stick a cupcake in my eye. Happy, you dick?

"Great!" Pinkie Pie said with a huge smile on her face. When Pinkie Pie looked back down all of her friends were staring at her with mass confusion.

"What?" Pinkie Pie asked.

Twilight shook her head before she spoke. "Ooooooookay then... Um?" Twilight then looked back to Deadpool to see him finish healing.

"How the hay did he do that!?" AppleFuck asked.

"Do you really think we know?" Rainbow Dash asked her clearly high friend.

"Ooo, ooooooo! Can we throw him a 'you-killed-a-dragon' party?!" Pinkie Pie asked.

"No, what we're going to do is take him to the PonyVille Prison, just like that green guy in the suit." Twilight said, as she began to levitate him.

"Wait, you could have just lavitated him?!" Asked Rainbow Dash as her and AppleJack both glared at their preposterously potential potat of a friend for having to drag him back to PonyTown.

"Heh heh, yeah I guess I could have." Twilight said with a nervous laugh.

"Wait, we can't take him to the P.P." Pinkie said.

"P.P.?" Twilight asked.

"Ponyville Prison silly." Pinkie said with a large smile.

"Oh, why not?" Twilight asked clearly confused.

"Because." Pinkie answered.

"Why?"

Because I say so, you impatient bitch.

Twilight pissed herself, due to the disembodied voice in the sky, before continuing."In that case we're taking him to Canterlot where Princess Celestia will-" Twilight stopped talking as a smell that was wonderful but at the same time unholy, like turkey bacon. "Do you all smell that?" She asked as she placed Deadpool down and dug through his pockets untill she found what seemed to be a large bent chip that had meat, cheese, and hot sauce in it. Twilight looked at a note that came with the the food and read it out loud. "Safe taco four latter when your hungeryer and if you our now injoy."

Twilight had a mini heart attack from the grammar before looking at the food, wondering what to do with it. All of a sudden, Pinkie swiped the taco out of Twilight's hooves and took a big bite out of it. "Mmmmmmm-" Pinkie stopped making the sound and spit out the taco. "Uggghhh that tastes unholy! Did I just sin in the name of Celestia?"

"Pinkie Pie ah think it's made outta... Meat." AppleJack said. She and everypony else dropped to the ground and began to pray the sin away.

"That's the last straw!" Twilight said lavitating Deadpool again. "He's going to jail!"

{Oh boy!}

"So... Twilight?" Pinkie asked her friend.

"Ugh, yes, Pinkie Pie?" Twilight asked.

"Are you absolutely, positively sure we can't throw him a 'you-killed-a-dragon' party?"Pinkie asked.

"Yes." Twilight said looking out the train window. "Now can we please just get to Canterlot without you giving me a migraine?"

Pinkie stared at Twilight with the hatred of a thousand tortured souls. "Please?" Pinkie asked.

"No."

"Please!?" Pinkie asked again.

"No, Pinkie Pie." Twilight answered.

"How about a 'welcome-to-prison' party?" Pinkie asked.

"PINKIE!!!" Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and AppleJack yelled at the same time.

"Heh heh heh, sorry." Pinkie said. "It's just that this trip is-"

"Boooooooooorrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnngggggggg!" Yelled a voice that they were hoping that they would not have to listen to again.

The four ponies all turned around and poked there heads out from there seats to see Our Anti-Hero with two grenades in each of his hands and a smile under his mask. "Nice to see you lovely ladies again. Now, who wants an explosive up the ass first?"

Author's Note

Ooo, ooo, I edit, ooo, ooo.

Yep, this is one of those stories

"Uh... Um..." Twilight made unsure noises while all of her friends joined her.

"Well?" Asked Deadpool, eager to blow the ponies up.

[Hey, I think we have a problem.]

"What do you mean 'problem'? I feel perfectly fine." Said Deadpool, making the ponies confused.

{We don't have all our guns}

"WHAT!?" Deadpool screamed as he began to search himself for more weapons. "MY BULLETS!!! WHERE ARE MY BULLETS?!"

"I know!" yelled Pinkie Pie.

"WHERE ARE MY BULLETS!!!... Um... AH HA! THE PINK ONE!" Screamed Deadpool making Pinkie giggle.

"My name's Pinkie Pie, actually. But if you want, you can call me The Pink One!" Pinkie said. And your weapons are-"

"Pinkie Pie!!!" Screamed her friends.

"Opps, heh heh. Sorry." Pinkie said with a nervous laugh.

Deadpool face palmed then got an idea "You know what? I won't kill you!" Deadpool yelled.

"YAHOO!!!" Screamed the all of the ponies.

"Just those three." Deadpool said as he pointed towards Twilight, AppleFuck, and Rainbow Dash.

"Wha- WHY!?" Asked Rainbow Dash as they all got out of the train seats they and backed away.

"Because you," He started by pointing at AppleJack. "Kicked me in the face with your... Uh... Oh yeah, hooves."

"Ya deserved it."

"Don't care. Moving on! You!" Deadpool screamed as he pointed dramatically at the bitch. "You helped the cowgirl here drag me!"

"And you want to murder me for it?" Rainbow Dash asked in a confuzzled way.

"Yep! And then there was you," Deadpool said as he looked at Twilight. "YOU! Took my weapons!"

"How? When? What!?" Asked Twilight, very confused at how he knew all of this.

"Now then! Since you four... I'm guessing the yellow and white one went home... Weren't smart enough to take my grenades and bombs! I will kill you and take The Pink One with me and she will be my best friend!"

{I thought I was your best friend.}

[We're his subconscious. We can't be his friend, we're the same person!]

{You can be friends with yourself!}

[Well we are already insane so I guess it could work.]

"Would you two shut the hell up!" Yelled Deadpool, once again confusing the ponies even more.

"WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO!?!?!?" Screamed a very fed up Twilight.

"How rude! I only wanted you to love me!!!" Deadpool spouted, making Twilight blush while angry at him making this even more confusing than it was to the point that someone would say 'fuck this'... But she did not.

"Anyways," Our anti-hero said as he pulled the pin on a grenade. "Later, niggas." Deadpool threw the grenade on the ground and then quickly picked up Pinkie Pie. "Come Pink One! AWAY!!!" Deadpool screamed as he tried to teleport away. But his shit was fucked, so it did not work.

Deadpool eyed his teleporting machine as it made noises and then did not do anything. "Well that's fucking gr-" Deadpool started to say, but was cut off by being blown out the window due to the grenade deciding that it did not like him.

[Nice going.]

"Hey, it's not my fault!" Deadpool yelled as he got up off the ground. "Where's the pink one?" Deadpool asked himself as he looked around.

(You see, this is the point where my old writing skills drove me completely mad. I am to mentally broken to fix the rest of this. Enjoy the shit stains until you get to the part where I got good at writing.)

{She slipped out of your grip while you were playing with your belt.}

"Where is she now?" Asked Deadpool as he watch the train come to a stop and fall on its side near a cliff's edge.

"Oh no! There are ponies on that train!" Screamed Twilight as she and her friends ran by Deadpool.

"How did you all get off?" Asked Deadpool.

"Twilight Teleported us off while you weren't looking." Pinkie yelled back as they ran towards the train.

[Should we help them?]

{Why?}

[They could use some help.}

{Take another look buddy.}

Twilight then began to make struggling noises as her horn lit up.

"What the hell is she doing?" Deadpool asked to no one as he walked up behind them.

Twilight then levitated the train up into the air and set it right side up on the edge of the cliff due to her using to much magic and getting tired.

"Holy lizard penis, that's cool!" Yelled Deadpool getting a weird look from the ponies. Before anyone or pony could think of what to say next, Mr. Shuggums jumped out of the train with a sack of something with him. "Hey there doggy! What ya there?" Deadpool asked as Mr. Shuggums ran up to him. Deadpool reached inside the sack and pulled out his katanas. Deadpool smiled under his mask as he put the swords on his back then pulled out all of his guns and stored them away on his body for later use.

"Hey!" Yelled Twilight as she walked up to him. "I won't let you-"

"BANG!!!!!!" Screamed Deadpool as he shot at her hooves with one of his handguns. "Now then, what's this?" Deadpool put his pistol away and reached into the sack to find the last thing in there... an RPG.

"Where in the land of Equestria did that come from!?" Twilight screamed as she backed away from the large death-machine.

"Don't know!" Deadpool Yelled.

{Don't care.}

[We're just gonna go with it!!!]

Deadpool shot the RPG at the ponies.

"DUCK!!!" Screamed Twilight as they all fell to the ground allowing the missile to go over them.

*BOOOOOOM*

Everypony turned around as the train went up in flames with screams being heard as it flew off the side of the cliff.
The ponies turned back to Deadpool with completely horrified looks on their faces.

"Looks like it's gonna be one of those stories." Said Deadpool has tons of Royal Canterlot guards, who were pegasi ,landed at the area and surrounded The merc with a mouth.

Author's Note

Yus!
New chapter completed!
Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!
This has been Coley-on-5!!!!!

HA!!! Bet you weren't expecting this!

[Was that the best idea?]

{Of course it was! That was awesome!!!}

[You idiot! We just murdered most likely 80 ponies!!!]

"Well... you know I didn't even mean to do that!" Yelled Deadpool as the royal guards got closer ready to throw their spears at any sign of trouble. "I swear I only wanted to murder those three but then the pink one and me um.. friends... and then... THEY FUCKING DODGED A MISSILE!!!!!"

[We're not getting out of this that easily.]

{Maybe there's something else in the sack.}

"Hey, that's a great idea!" Deadpool said as he began to search through the sack Mr. Shuggums had brought him. "No, no, no," Deadpool said as he threw a rubber duck, a cooked duck, and a real live duck over his shoulder. "YES!!!" Screamed Deadpool as he pulled out a mini-gun making Twilight, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack scream and run into the tunnel that led to Canterlot.

Deadpool then swung the mini-gun over his shoulder and began to aim at the guards. "Hello there! My name is Wade Wilson, but you can call me Deadpool."

One of the guards stepped forth and began to speak. "We don't care what your name is! You have to come with us or-" Before the guard could finish his sentence he was filled with bullets by none other than Deadpool.

"NNNNNOPE!!!!" Screamed Deadpool after the guard had fallen to the ground Dead. "YOUR LAW DOESN'T APPLY TO ME!!!!!" All the royal guards readied their spears but, of course, Deadpool was already cocked and loaded. Deadpool began to shoot all over the place killing everything within 50 feet of him. "YOOOLLLLLLLOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Screamed Deadpool.

"TAKE HIM DOWN!!!" Screamed one of the guards as they threw their spears at Deadpool. Most of the spears missed but one was able to go into his chest and through his lungs.

{*Cough cough* *sputter* *gag* C-can't... lungs, *cough* breath.}

[One, your a subconscious so you don't need air. Two, are you forgetting something?]

Deadpool used his free hand to pull the spear out of his chest. "HA! Do that again! I don't think it made this any harder for me!" Deadpool yelled. He then returned to filling the guards with bullets.

[Should we really be killing them?

{Why not?}

[Well we are the ones who murdered all those pony folk.]

"Yeah I really don't care, they now want us dead sooooooo..." Deadpool said as he finished killing the last royal guard. "Let's finish this!" Deadpool then dropped the empty mini-gun on the ground and began to walk into the dark tunnel that led to Canterlot. "Ooooooooo, scary!" He joked to himself.

{Hey, are we gonna kill all the ponies? Because I really like the pink one.}

[We could just kill the ones that try to stop us.]

"Yeah, let's do that." Deadpool said as he reached the end of the tunnel to see Canterlot. "And when we get to that palace, we kill what ever kind of king and or queen there is so they'll know we mean business."

Far ahead of Deadpool there was a large army of royal guards sealing the gates shut and preparing for battle.

[I think we need some help with this.]

{Why would we need help?}

[Meh, beats me, I just thought it would be more interesting if we had a helping hand.]

"Yeah, but who the hell around here is going to help us?" Deadpool said just as a portal appeared right next to him spitting out none other that Cable. "Summers! What the fuck are you doing here buddy!?" Deadpool said happily as Cable picked himself up.

"Deadpool!? W-wait! What the hell just!?" Cable said looking around very confused.

"Beats me, all I know is that ever since that mutant zombie thing smashed my belt portals have been opening causing things to appear out of no where." Deadpool said. "Hey by the way, how's the whole zombie apocalypse going?"

"That doesn't matter any more! What matters now is fixing your belt before more chaos ensues!" Cable yelled at Deadpool as he looked at the belt. "Maybe if we-" Cable began to say before a spear nearly took his head off. "What the hell!?"

"Fuck my belt for now! Right now we need to kick some noobs in the ass!" Deadpool yelled as he pulled out his pair of sawed-off shotguns and handed them to Cable who didn't have a weapon before. Deadpool gave all of his shotgun shells to Cable as well. "Now let's do this!" Deadpool pulled his semi-automatic handguns from their holsters and ran at the gate firing like hell at his targets while Cable followed at his own pace doing the same.

"Holy cupcakes! What kind of weapons are they using!?" One guard yelled to his companions.

"How the hoof should I know!? Just keep them from getting in the city limits!" Yelled another as he threw a spear at Cable who jumped to the side just in time.

{HAHAHA HAAAAAA!!! Did you here that!?}

[Holy cupcakes? How the hoof? HA HA!!! Oh man, what next? What the buck? HAHAHA!!!]

{HAHAHA!!! Yeah! I can tell this is going to be really fun!}

Deadpool was laughing to, but since the guards didn't know what was going on in his head, they were completely freaked out by this mad man.

Deadpool stopped running and began to aim down the iron sights of his handguns. "BANG!!!" Deadpool yelled as he shot one guard in the head before he could throw the spear he was holding in his hooves. "BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!" Deadpool yelled out again as he shot four more guards and missed one.

"It's standing still! GET IT!!!" Screamed a royal guard as he readied his spear and of course Deadpool saw this.

"NOT TO DAY!!!!!" Deadpool screamed as he stuck his handguns in their holsters in one second flat and pulled out two grenades from his pockets and pulled the pins. Deadpool threw one grenade at the gate causing it to blow open, but before he could throw the other towards the guards, the one guard who had alerted him had thrown his spear and hit Deadpool in the foot. "What the!?" Deadpool yelled as he fell onto his back. He laid there for a moment almost clueless then his eyes went wide as he remembered what was in his hand. "AHHHHHH!!!" Deadpool screamed as he threw it. The grenade blew up in mid air not hitting or hurting anything. All it did was stun the guards causing them to cover their eyes.

"Wade!" Yelled Cable as he ripped the spear out of Deadpool's foot. "Get off your ass now and lets finish these pony things!"

"OH!!! By the way." Deadpool said as he got up. "Try not to kill them all or the bronies will leave rude comments on this story."

"Um... who?" Cable asked.

"Doesn't matter! Come on let's go!" Deadpool yelled as they ran through the gates of the large royal city determined to wipe out the royal guards and make their leader bite the dust. But, they didn't know that their was and unfriendly powerful draconequus who was also known as the god of chaos who was determined to team up with Deadpool and turn Equestria into the most chaotic place in the universe.

"And if you don't want to help me," He said to himself. "That will be just fine, because you've already set me free and are now taking care of my biggest problems."

Author's Note

For those of you who are thinking this isn't what the description is like, just be patient, because this story will go on for awhile.
This has been Coley-on-5!!!!!

And No Fucks Were Given That Day

Deadpool and Cable had just entered Canterlot to see AppleFuck, Pinkie Pie, Twilight, and Rainbow Dash turn the corner down the street.

{THERE!!! They're over there!}

[They must be heading towards the palace.]

"Not if we can help it!" Yelled Deadpool as he took off down the street after them.

"Stop right there criminal scum!" Yelled a royal guard as he ran in from outside the blow open gate. "Nobody breaks the law in this county!"

{HA!}

[It's funny because it's true.]

"Fuck da police!" Yelled Deadpool as he shot randomly behind him.

Cable ducked allowing the bullets to go over his head. "Damnit Wade! Watch where you're shooting!"

"One, no! Two, meet me at the palace!" Yelled Deadpool as he jumped through a window of a white and golden house. He landed on a table face first. "*Sniff sniff* What the fuck am I laying on!?" He picked himself up to see what looked like a sandwich... full of hay? "Now that is what I call horse food!"

{HAHAHA!!! When will the puns end!?}

[They most likely won't so let's just laugh at them until the author runs out and tries to reuse them.]

(HEY!!! I find that offensive!)

[Why are you speaking in red?]

(Because... You can both shut up!)

{Maybe I don't want to!}

"Are you three done yet?" Deadpool asked confusing the ponies who were already scared half to death from him landing on their lunch.

(Yeah...)

{We're...}

[Done.]

"Thank you!" Deadpool said. He then stood up and jumped down off the table. "Oh, and by the way. You should stop eating hay. If you're smart enough to talk, then you're smart enough to make chimichangas." He then went into the next room and jumped out the window into an ally way.

[Well that was stupid and pointless.]

(Made some people laugh didn't it?)

{Not all of it did.}

"NO! I'm not letting you guys start that again!" Deadpool said.

[Why are we even doing this? Going after those ponies just seems so pointless...]

"*angry sigh* Because they tried to put us in jail for killing a dragon which was trying to kill us!" Deadpool yelled angrily.

[I completely forgot about that.]

{We all did!}

Deadpool face palmed and began to walk down the ally way. "Damn this place is colorful!" Deadpool said as he reached the end of the ally and looked at the big city. When he look towards the palace, which wasn't to far away now, he saw what he knew he would see. Royal guards with spears. "Spears again? These pony things should really upgrade their armory."

[Well, there's no point in standing around and looking at them.]

{Kill them! KILL THEM ALL!!!}

"I'll shoot to that!" Deadpool yelled as he pulled out his SMGs and ran at the royal guard.

"I'm dual wielding my SMGs, and I'm gonna go on a killing spree!"

"You better not try to mess with me, 'cuz I'm dual wielding my SMGs!" Deadpool sang as he blew holes all over every guards body. "Fools! You can't mess with me! I'm dual wielding MY SMGs!!!"

One guard charged at Deadpool only to get a foot in the face and a bullet in the dick. "OOOOOOOOHHHH!!!!! Damn, that's gotta hurt!" Deadpool said as he watched the guard bleed out.

Another guard threw a spear at Deadpool who at the last second side stepped to avoid it. The spear hit the guard who was bleeding out and killed him on impact, due to stabbing him threw the eye and into his brains. "WELL!!! Good thing I ain't him! Because that looked like a butt load of PAIN!!!" Deadpool said as he shot another guard to his right in the ribs with out looking.

By this point a lot of guards were losing hope. They stared at this... thing who just wouldn't shut up. He was strange, dangerous, and invincible. And the thing that they all new and yes, feared most of all, was that it had completely lost it's mind... a long time ago.

"Halt! Stay where you are or you will suffer the consequences!" Yelled a booming, yet majestic, voice.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwww SHIT!!!" Yelled one of the royal guards from the side. "You done FUCKED UP, NIGGA!!!!!!!"

"..."

[...]

{...}

(...)

{HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!}

[They actually DO have bad things in this world!]

Before our anti-hero could pitch in with his fair share of shitty puns, Princess Luna and Celestia (Celestia points gun at author's head) Princess Celestia and Luna made their way through the crowd of guards and to the front of Deadpool.

"Sup, Bitches." Deadpool greeted them.

Celestia looked back at Twilight who was standing behind her with her friends. "Yo, Twily. Dis the guy who's givin' you niggas problems?" Twilight nodded. Celestia looked back at Deadpool. "Yo, bitch! You givin' my prized pupil problems!?"

"Nigga, whatchya think!?" Deadpool yelled.

"NIGGA!"

"NIGGA!"

"NIGGA!" They went back and forth for a long time before Luna butted in.

"Sister! What does thou think they are doing!?" She asked right after she finished sending a text to her bottom bitch (Luna's a pimp.)

Celestia looked over at Luna and whispered harshly. "Can't you see I'm trying to speak it's language!?" Now with this knew information, Luna looked over at our anti-hero who was still screaming at the sisters.

"NIGGA!!!"

"NIGGA!" Celestia started back up.

"NIGGA!"

"NIGGA!"

"NIGGA!"

"Urm... Uh..." Luna thought of what to say. "NIGGER!" The entire place fell quite.

"..." Deadpool was speechless. "N-Nigga..." He said as he covered his eyes. "That was uncalled for..."

"Damnit Luna!" Celestia yelled at Luna. "Go back to the palace and get the whip out!"

"B-But sister I-"

"NO BUTTS!" Celestia pointed at Deadpool who had turned around and bent over. "BE SURE TO CLEAN OFF YOUR GAG AS WELL!"

"Y-Yuz sister..." Luna walked away, looking like a beaten child... which she was...

Celestia turned back to our ant-hero and looked him up and down. "I'm sorry you had to see that..." She then recomposed herself. "Let us start over. My name is Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria." She said. "As far as I have heard from my faithful student, you have committed crimes against everything we believe in. Speak now!"

"Don't worry about it." Deadpool said. "It wasn't my fault... it..."

"WADE!" Yelled Cable as he ran up into the area. "YOU STUPID PIECE OF-"

"It was him." Our Hero said as he pointed a finger at Cable. Not a second later, Princess Celestia shot a beam of magic at Cable.

"GOOOOOD DAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMNNNN IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Cable screamed as he was slowly sucked into a portal of magic that had surrounded him.

"There we go! Everything's back to normal!" Our Hero yelled as he began to walk away.

"W-Wait!" Yelled Twilight. "That robot guy didn't do anything wrong! It was D-" Before the librarian could finish her sentence, Deadpool pulled out a TV controller and hit the 'mute' button while pointing it at her.

"It was who, Twilight?" Celestia asked.

Twilight moved her lips but nothing escaped.

"It was Dead-" Rainbow Dash started before Deadpool appeared next to her and cut her off.

"Hey! Rainbow Splash! How's about I erase your internet history!" Deadpool blurted out, causing her to shut her mouth and smile (despite the misuse of her name). "And you! AppleFuck! How's about I tie your older brother (who he's never even met) up and leave him in your room tonight!?" AppleJack showed the excitement in her eyes as she pretended to zip her lips.

"Pink One!" Our Hero yelled at Pinkie Pie. "Pineapples!"

"French toast!" She yelled back with a salute.

"Now then!" Deadpool yelled as he looked at Celestia. "According to ever other fanfiction! I should go to Ponyville where me and these bunch of bitches go on adventures!"

(You need to slow the fuck down!)

{You need to hurry the fuck up!}

(Shit!)

"I assume you are right, thing I do not even know of yet I am still acting like I do not know that you are the bad guy here." Celestia said with all the sarcasm in the known universe. "Now go back to Ponyville with these little shits while I go smoke some crystal meth!" Celestia then pulled a cellphone out of her vagina and dialed a number in. She walked away with the phone up to her ear and the last words Our Hero heard were: "Yo, Walter White! My man!"

Our Hero then looked down at his new found hoes who all stared up at him with different expressions. He thought for a long time before he pulled out a stick and threw it at a near by bar. "Follow the stick!" Deadpool screamed as he ran toward the bar, hoping they had vodka.

Author's Note

LOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT'S A FUCKING UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't touch my penis

"Wow."

{Wow.}

[Wow.]

(Wow.)

"That's some nasty shit." Deadpool stated, as he looked at a nasty pile of shit on the floor. "It's super nasty."

[Super.]

(Yeeeeeeee-)

{eeeeeeeeeeeeee!}

"Yeah, it's beautiful, ain't it? Mah wife made it herself!" Spouted the fat bartender.

"Damn, you must wanna kill yourself." Our anti-hero proclaimed this fact like it was butter on his ass.

"Oh, tell me 'bout it!" He said, sarcastically, as a bunch of smoke came out of his mouth. He took a few more puffs on his cigar that I forgot to mention before the plot actually got interesting... Oh no wait, Twilight is talking so that is just going to happen anyway.

"I-I jus' don' gat et." She whispered, while speaking cursive. "Whay wood teh princest lut you gew?" She then finished her fifty-fourth shot of vodka.

"TWILIGHT, QUIT YELLING IN MY FUCKING EAR!!! YOU CUNT!!!!!" Screamed Pinkie Pie, as she continued to try and touch Deadpool's penis.

"Pink One, stahp." Deadpool commanded. "Rub me once, shame on me. Rub me twice, shame on you."

"Come on! I'm bored!" Pinkie Pie proclaimed as she continued to try and grab a hold of our anti-hero's crotch.

{Stahp her, she's raping us!}

[Let her know that we don't take kindly to rape.]

"Rape is a good time for the whole family."

[Dipshit.]

"Excuse me, ma'am," Said a mare sitting next to Pinkie Pie. "Could you get your friend here to check his white privileges? I am a feminist and take offense to that."

"What was that? I wasn't listening." Pinkie said as she turned around to look at the feminist.

"WHAT?!" She screeched at the top of her lungs.

"Oh shit," Deadpool said. "You triggered her."

{Hit the deck!}

"RAPE! RAAAAAPE!!!" All of a sudden, multiple mares burst through the windows at the same time, all armed with pepper spray.

"Whet teh fuuuuuuck?" Twilight asked, right before she was grabbed by Deadpool and pulled behind the bar. Pinkie and Rainbow Dash made it to, but AppleJack was too busy selling crack to notice, and was quickly sprayed in the eyes then forced to check her privileges.

Deadpool looked at his new bitches and hoes, then quickly pulled his guns out to shoot the bartender. "Wait! I have a nasty pile of shit to protect!"

"To bad." He said as he blew the fat bartender's head off.

"Why'd you do that?!" Rainbow Dash asked like a mean old fart.

"'Cause he was a fuckboy." Deadpool then proceeded to jump up onto the bar and start killing the feminists. He sang a wonderful song whilst he commited mass genocide. After one whole minute, it was over.

"Oh shit, that was fun!" Deadpool stated as he finally allowed Pinkie to rub his dick.

"Oh, S-S-S-Senpai!" She giggled with a blush on her face.

(I will now use my powers as an author to make this story more interesting by relocating you fuckers to PonyTown!)

They all then magically appeared in Ponyville, except for AppleJack.

Will Deadpool save the day from boredom? Will he end up robbing a bank? Will AppleJack ever get back to Ponyville?
Find out next time in: My Little Mercenary, Ponies Make Me Rock Hard!

Author's Note

Oh yeah! Short chapter, I know, but the story is alive! HAHAHA!

Side-Quest Unlocked: AppleJack's Dream To Be A Drug Lord.

*GASP* You guys unlocked a side story! Lucky you! Now I have another reason to update this!

See you next time!

(Side Quest) AppleJack's Dream To Be A Drug Lord: Part 1

AppleJack had been walking through Cunterlot for the last few hours, wondering what to do. Earlier, at the bar, the Pony Police, or PP, showed up to investigate the massacre carried out by our favorite motherfucker. She had at least twelve grams of crack on her at the time, but she was not arrested due to the fact that she had an entire box of Dindu Nuffins on her at the time, so she was okay. This was not her first time having to deal with the PP; they protected all of Equestria and she was a known criminal.

(Shit, I bet you all thought that the Equestrian Royal Guard protected Equestria, huh? Well they don't. They only protect royalty. The only way you'll end up having to fight them is if you get five stars.)

"Shut up, ya piece a shit!" AppleJack yelled, causing nearby ponies to stare. "Now I know why Deadpool is crazy as an armadillo with an lasso around his neck, yer annoying as hell!"

(Fuck you.)

"FUCK YOU!" AppleJack screamed back.

(Shhh... AppleJack, I'm gonna help you with your life long dream.)

"Yer gonna help me fuck my brother?"

(No, the other life long dream.)

AppleJack gasped. "Ya mean?"

(Oh, I mean.)

"If ya were my brother I could just-"

(Calm down, missy, you don't need to do anything. I've been on the internet, so I've already seen you naked on multiple occasions.)

"Oh... That's right..." She said as she blushed deeply.

{I guess that means you've seen her AppleCrack! HAHAHA! Get it!?}

(Fuck off.)

{Alllllllllright!}

(Thank fuck, I thought I was gonna have to actually come up with jokes there for a second!)

"Can we get back tah business now?" Asked a very impatient AppleJack.

(Sure, alright. Here's the thing, crack is what junkies in PonyTown want, but it's not what's on demand in Canterlot.)

"Then what is?"

(Crystal Meth, now there is a lot of ponies that sell it, but their's is not the purest. To beat them, you must sell the greatest meth to ever be created.)

"Wait a second! D-Do ya mean," AppleJack looked side to side before whispering. "The blue stuff?"

(Yes, and luckily for you, the man who invented the blue stuff operates right here in town now. But he doesn't have enough help to take down the other drug lords, so he can only sell it small time.)

"But if I help, are you saying we can sell big time?"

(Exactly. He lives downtown, in his original lab, the RV. Find him and help him; together you can be the greatest drug dealers to ever exist!)

AppleJack nodded her head and took off in the direction that her destiny awaited.

(lauf, mein fräulein, lauf.)

Author's Note

Yeah, I know, this one is short as well. But this is just the introduction!
AppleJack will soon continue her quest, but we must return to ze un, ze unly, ze Deadpul!

Crime is for Asians

Princess Celestia and Princess Luna walked into a briefing room full of generals of the royal guard along with the one and only Sheriff of the PP. He was in full control of his PP, and he never took his mind off of his PP. He currently had his PP in his hooves.

(This time I actually mean his genitals.)

"Author, shut up! Sheriff, dick out of thou's hand!" Luna commanded in her loud voice that everyone feels like they have to call 'The royal voice' or some other shit. Anyways, The Sheriff (Yes, that's his name.) did as he was told.

(Sorry, I have to be here because this is what the readers are reading right now. I won't tell anyone anything.)

"Good," Celestia said as she walked up to the head of the long table. "As you all know, there is a very powerful human among our population of ponies. The only reason for keeping said human around is due to the fact that I am evil and want to take over the human world."

"Why?" Asked a general. "We can just take over another country."

"Way ahead of you." Said The Sheriff with a smirk. He wore the standard blue police uniform, but with a black cowboy hat. "I have several squads of SWAT PP taking over the entire planet. They are the greatest warriors to ever live, and will not lose. You're guards may be strong, but my officers are better. The only reason you all are stuck guarding the palace is because you are rarely ever needed."

The general wanted to call The Sheriff a 'fag,' but knew he'd rustle the Princess's jimmies. "Alright then." He said in a low voice.

"Back to what I was saying." The princess of the sun continued. "Once we have taken control of our world, we will use this human to go back to his. And, using a new potion, we will turn the male humans into ponies, so that our world's male shortage will end." She finished with an evil smile. "Just imagine it. All mares can finally find mates, all fillies can finally have coltfriends, and all the actual colts that are here can finally be gay like they want to instead of being forced into relationships with mares to keep ponies from going extinct!"

"This is a wonderful idea, princess, but why are we taking over the planet?" Asked Shining Armor, who I had not noticed until now.

"The other nations are against this, and we can't have any setbacks. We must rid ourselves of them before they can put a dent in my plans." Celestia replied.

"Amazing! This will fix everything!" A general shouted.

"We can all be gay!" The Sheriff yelled flamboyantly for the first time.

"Hell yes, bitch!" Shining Armor added as all of the stallions in the room began cheering.

"Yes, yes, I know you're all excited to dump your wives and be gay... But..." Said Luna.

"But what, princess?" Asked The Sheriff.

"The human is our only way there, and I don't think he'll want to help us if he finds out the rather grim part of my plan." Said Celestia. "Once we take over the human world and steal all of the boys, the girls will try to stop us for taking their men; they will have to be put down for this plan to work." She then sighed. "And the human here loves the ladies..."

"Well that sucks for him! Let's trick his ugly ass and then kill him!" Shining Armor shouted out, causing all of the men in the room to show their agreement by beginning to have an orgy. (You read that right.)

"Yes, I guess that will work, but me and The Sheriff will handle the killing." Celestia explained. She then used her magic to grow a large futa cock and began to join the orgy.

"Boom! One more time! I'm back with a new rhyme! HEY! Here we go again! Turn it my friends-"

"NO! We are not you're friends!" Rainbow Dash yelled at Deadpool whilst he continued to try and fuck shit up on her cloud.

"Come on, baby, you know you wanna!"

"NO! I! DON'T!!!" She screamed as she jumped away from him. "I'm not doing the thing with you!"

This shocked our anti-hero. "Wait... What?" He then proceeded to pull out a pair of AK-47s. "I just wanted your help to rob a bank!"

"Oh... Okay." Rainbow Dash said as she walked up to him and grabbed one of the AKs in her hooves. "Which bank?"

"Dunno, we're doing it GTA V style."

"But they plan out they're robberies in that!" Rainbow Dash pointed out like a bitch.

[I think he meant to say 'Trevor Philips' style.]

"Oh, that makes more- Oh buck! I have to listen to the voices in your head now!?"

(Whoever the story is focused on at the moment has to hear me, and whoever is being focused on while Deadpool is around can hear the voices.)

{Unless they're a villain; then it's up to Deadpool if they can hear us or not.}

"That's right, bitch nigger, now let's go do that Asian thing." Deadpool then proceeded to put on a ski-mask over his other mask. After that, he noticed that Rainbow Dash had put on a ski-mask; made for horses, of course.

"Crime is for Asians?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Definitely."

The bank of PonyTown was having an okay day. Business was good, ponies polite, and now there is bank robbers holy shit.

"Hello everybody, if you could be so kind as to get on the motherfucking ground before I rape you with bullets, that would be great." Deadpool said in a calm, passionate tone. The ponies making withdrawals were more than willing to lay down, but the security guards were not as polite, so when they started filling him with pony bullets- "Oh boy, I didn't know ponies had guns." He said as he remembered fighting the spear-wielding royal guards. He noticed that Rainbow Dash had done what he wanted to do; and by that I mean she raped the guards with bullets from her AK.

"Okay, bitch, if you feel the need to steal all the glory then why don't you just go ahead and steal the money." Deadpool said as he turned around and started walking towards the front doors.

"I'm just trying to help, you idiot!" She yelled whilst she planted C4 on the vault.

Deadpool looked outside to see that the police had not shown up yet, and he knew for a fact that he called them and told them to be early. "Meh." He stated boldly. Our anti-hero then decided to traumatize some of the hostages. "Does anyone want a taco?"

"Wha-Wha-What's a-a-a tac-c-co?" One pony asked as he shivered on the floor.

"IT'S FUCKING HORSE MEAT!!!" He lied. "GOD, I SURE DO LOVE TO EAT SOME FUCKING HORSES!!!" All the ponies had either wet themselves or passed out. "WHAT!?!? YOU DON'T LIKE EATING HORSES!?!?" He asked the crowd as he pulled a taco out. He dropped it onto the stallion that had answered him earlier, who also happened to be the only one who did not piss himself. "EAT THE FUCK, YOU FUCKING FUCK!!!" Deadpool then aimed his deadly weapon at the poor soul.

"I don wanna!" He yelled back.

"DO IT! EAT THE HORSEY!!!"

"No you!" He shouted as he pointed a shivering hoof at Captain Deadpool.

"Okay." Deadpool then proceeded to swipe the taco back up and shove it into his mask. Half of the good food disappeared, while the other half fell to the floor in delicious pieces. Just then, the stallion became extremely aroused. He never met anyone who would do what he said, and he immediately fell in love with our anti-hero.

"Fire in the hole!" Screamed Bitch Nigger... Oh, I mean Rainbow Dash, as the C4 blew up like my aunt's face after that firework flew in the wrong direction. Deadpool looked down at the stallion who was staring at him in slow-motion as fire flew around uncontrollably.

"What's wrong with you?"

[I think you sent him into shock.]

{Oh! Oh! Draw a dick on his face!}

"Do what with my dick?" Deadpool asked. He did not hear because he was too busy drawing a very detailed dick on the stallion's face.

"Put it inside me." Said the stallion as he spread his legs.

This sent our anti-hero into deep thought. He was not gay, but booty hole feels pretty good. After awhile, Rainbow Rash came out of the vault with two big bags full of bits. "Are you coming or what!?"

Deadpool, with a finally made up mind, slapped the stallion across the face. "I say, good sir!" He then pointed his finger dramatically at the stallion. "A faggot!" After doing what any straight-boy would do, he leaned in really close and placed a piece of paper on the stallion's furry chest. "Here's my number... Call me."

"Come on!" Rainbow Dash screamed.

"Okay!" Deadpool then dropped his AK-47 and skipped out of the bank like a school girl.

[You gave him a fake number, didn't you?]

"Yep!"

Author's Note

Oh yeah! I rushed this chapter and it still came out okay! Now I'm gonna spend another month or two screwing around until I sit down and write another chapter in like an hour, because that's how I roll.

(BTW: Lawl, 69 comments.)