No, you're a unicorn. Now act like one!

by Azusa

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Lyra, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Bon-Bon, Romance
Length: 3477

Lyra the human adjusts to her new life as a pony.

Bored with high school, Lyra's life changes when she's brought to Equestria and turned into a mint-green pony with a magical horn bulging out of her head. After an embarrassing incident, Bon Bon decides to help Lyra adjust to life as a pony.

Published 2012-04-22 21:14:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-04-22 21:14:02 UTC

Chapter 1 (revised)

Lyra scribbled away at her test paper. The ticking from the clock echoed in her head. Five minutes left. She quickly answered each question, her pencil gliding across the page.

A buzz sounded from the front of the classroom. The pencil slipped out of Lyra’s fingers, her jaw dropping as realization struck her. “Time’s up!” her teacher announced, “Pass your tests forward.” Lyra sighed and stood up, slipping her backpack over her shoulder. She dropped her test sheet on the teacher’s desk. The teacher looked at it, sighed, and said, “Lyra, you’ve answered almost every question wrong. Would you like me to schedule a makeup test for you?”

“Nah, forget it,” Lyra grumbled as she left the classroom.

Out in the hall, one of Lyra’s friends ran up to her and said, “Hey, Lyra, are you free this weekend?”

A faint smile appeared on Lyra’s face. “No, you got anything planned?”

“Yeah, I’m going to the music store. Do you want to come?”

“Sure, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Lyra put an arm around her friend as they stepped outside.

~~~~~~~~~~

Lyra stepped off the school bus. She sulked up to the front door of her house, opened it, and went to her bedroom, leaving her shoes in the hall.

Just six more months 'til I finish high school. She dropped her bookbag onto a pile of dirty socks. As she walked across the floor, old wrappers and empty cans brushed against her feet. She collapsed onto her bed and pressed "play" on her stereo.

Grabbing a soda can from the box on the floor, she popped it open with her teeth and took a sip. Meh, it’s not like there’s anything I actually wanted to study in college.

~~~~~~~~~~

Lyra gazed out her window and noticed a radiant sunset on the horizon. She stood and walked upstairs to take a bath before dinner, stretching her arms along the way.

Inside the bathroom, she flipped the lights on and turned the bath faucet. The tub looked as if it hadn’t been cleaned in months; the liquid only made it look filthier as it poured into the basin.

She took off her jeans and hooded sweatshirt, dropped them on the floor, and threw her underwear onto the pile. While waiting for the tub to fill, she glanced at the mirror and examined her figure. Lyra poked herself in the stomach. Diet time again. When the tub was full, she turned off the faucet and eased herself in.

"Ahh." She raised her hand up out of the tub and watched the water drip from it. "What am I gonna do?"

"Trixie has a clue."

Lyra looked across the tub and saw a horned blue head sticking out of the faucet with a maniacal grin covering its face. She guessed it was either a unicorn or a narwhal, leaning mostly towards the former. "Hey, what are you—"

Trixie’s horn glowed and the drain plug floated out, a light hum filling the air. The water swirled and a whirlpool rose above the drain. “Ahh!” Lyra screamed as the current dragged her down the drain, water gushing into her open mouth.

~~~~~~~~~~

Bon Bon soaked in her bathtub, her pink-and-blue-colored mane dripping wet. As she reached over to pull the bath plug, she felt a hard, cone-shaped object in her hooves. What the hay? She yanked it out of the water with her hooves and found a mint-green unicorn attached; it waved at her.

"Ah, creeper!" Bon Bon shrieked, scrambling backward to the other side of the tub.

The unicorn fell back into the tub with a splash. "Wait, did you just ta—"

Bon Bon threw a bar of soap, hitting her on the nose.

"Hey, that's not—"

Bon Bon hurled a bottle of shampoo at her.

"But we're both gir—"

Bon Bon belted her over the head with a scrub-brush.

The unicorn staggered out of the tub and scrambled over to the bathroom door. What’s with her? she thought, lifting a hoof to the doorknob. "Huh?" she said when her hoof slipped off the handle. "My hands!" She looked over her body and then at the bathroom mirror. "I'm a horse!"

"No, you're a pony and a Peeping Tom," said Bon Bon in an irritated voice.

"My name's not Tom; it's Lyra!" She slammed a hoof on the tile floor.

Bon Bon launched the drain plug at Lyra.

Dodging out of the way, Lyra charged through the door.

Bon Bon chased after Lyra, snagging a towel on the way. She dashed down the hall and found Lyra in the kitchen. "Hey! You're getting the floor wet!" Bon Bon flung her towel, which smacked Lyra in the face. Lyra slipped on the puddle and landed on her blank-flank.

Bon Bon gripped a frying pan in her mouth and swung it at her intruder. Rolling out of the way, Lyra got on her hooves and galloped into the living room; on the way, she tripped and tumbled onto her face. Stupid hooves.

Bon Bon charged at her. Lyra stumbled and fell to her knees as Bon Bon swung at her. Lyra dodged it, but she rammed her head into Bon Bon's bookcase.

A box fell from the shelf and dropped onto Lyra’s head. She let the box slide onto her chest and a number of humanoid dolls tumbled out. Lyra lifted one with her hooves; the doll had curly red hair and pink skin. “Huh? What are—”

Letting go of her weapon, Bon Bon rushed over and scooped the dolls back into the box, her face turning a light red. On the other side of the room next to the couch, she held them to her chest and glared at Lyra. “So, I’m a humare. Why do you care?!”

“A hu—what?”

“A fan of My Little People.” Bon Bon looked down at her box of dolls.

“I’m a people!” Lyra gestured towards her chest with her hooves.

“Yeah, right.” Bon Bon had enough teasing from her friends for her hobby; she wasn’t going to take any from her. She stuck out her lower lip.

“No, I’ll prove it!” Lyra stood on her hooves. She lowered the front of her body to the carpet and pushed her hooves off from the floor. Pressing against her flank, she straightened her back to a vertical position.

Bon Bon’s eyes widened. She had tried for years to walk like a human. If Lyra could actually step forward... Her childhood dream of having a human for a friend would finally come true!

Lyra raised her back right hoof and planted it a few inches ahead. She did the same with the other and started to walk forward.

Bon Bon’s jaw dropped.

~~~~~~~~~~

The warmth of the morning sun woke Bon Bon from her slumber. Gazing out the window, she made a fangirl squee. Birds were chirping just outside her window.

She rolled over and saw her guest sleeping next to her and smiling. Bon Bon's face turned a light red. She gave Lyra a light poke in the cheek, then glided her hooves down Lyra’s neck and over her chest. Bon Bon pressed her hooves firmly against Lyra’s body.

Lyra tumbled out of the bed and hit the carpet. “Oof!”

"You jerk!" The birds flew away at the sound of Bon Bon’s yelling.

"Huh?" Lyra said, her eyes half open.

“When I said you could sleep here, I didn’t mean with me!” Bon Bon stamped a hoof on the mattress.

“That’s your bed? I didn’t know.”

Steaming, Bon Bon said, "Liar! You just wanted to—"

The sound of a hoof knocking on the door came through the house. The two ponies cantered over and Bon Bon opened the door.

“Morning, Bon Bon!” A blonde pegasus with a walleyed expression flew in, carrying a tattered mailbag.

Lyra could only stare at the mailmare, her eyes widening.

The pegasus hovered over to Bon Bon. "Here's your mail," she said, passing her a few letters.

"Thanks, Derpy," Bon Bon said, straightening up her mane with a hoof.

Derpy glanced at Lyra. “Huh? Why are you staring at me? Is it my eyes?” She moved her hooves in front of them to make sure they they were straight.

“Wings...” Lyra said, her mouth agape.

“Something’s wrong with my wings?” Derpy said, spinning around in an attempt to look at them.

“Derpy, you’re fine. She just hasn’t seen a pegasus before,” said Bon Bon, pointing at Lyra.

“Oh, okay...” Derpy said, scratching her head.

Bon Bon put on her saddlebag and said in a cold voice, "Let's go, Lyra."

"Huh, go where?"

"We're going out for breakfast. I think a day outside will help you adjust to life as a pony." Bon Bon stepped outside; Lyra followed and shut the door behind her. All around them, ponies were cantering along, chatting, and going about their business. Lyra’s eyes went wide.

After cantering for some time, Lyra asked, “So, there are flying ponies?”

Bon Bon didn’t reply.

“Bon Bon?”

Bon Bon said nothing.

“That is your name, right?”

Bon Bon stopped. Ahead were a number of outdoor tables. “We’re here." They walked up to one of the tables.

Lyra stared at her hoof in thought a while before saying, "Uh, Bon Bon. About this morning, I—"

"Hi! My name's Minty and I'll be your waitress. May I take your order?" The waitress passed them their menus.

Lyra picked up her menu and stared at it; on it she found meals with oats, grass, flowers, and hay. "Jeez, don't you eat any real food?"

Bon Bon grumbled under her breath and pointed to the bagel with daisies.

"Okay.” Minty turned to Lyra. “And for you, ma'am?"

"I guess I'll have a bowl of oats." Lyra looked down and mumbled, “It’s the closest thing to normal on the menu.”

"Coming right up!" Minty said. Quick as a whip, she dashed inside and came back with their order. "Here you go," she said while placing their breakfast onto the table.

Lyra just stared at her oats before eventually diving in face first. Meh, whatever. A couple ponies giggled at her as they passed.

"Darn it Lyra, you're not an animal!" Bon Bon said.

Lyra looked up. "I'm not?" she said with a mouthful of oats.

"No, you're a unicorn. Now act like one!" Bon Bon slammed a hoof down on the table, the dishes clattering.

“All right.” Lyra lowered the back of her right hoof to the table. She pushed the spoon onto it with her other hoof and dipped it in the bowl. Jeez, why’s she gotta be so mean? As she lifted it out of the bowl, Lyra moved her mouth to take a bite. But the weight of the oats tipped the spoon and it fell to the ground.

Bon Bon face-hoofed and said, "Just use your magic."

"Huh? Wait, what?" Lyra’s raised an eyebrow.

~~~~~~~~~~

A tree... house? thought Lyra. They were standing in front of what appeared to be a house inside of a tree.

"The Ponyville librarian lives here," said Bon Bon as she opened the door. They peeked through the doorway.

Lyra saw a pink earth pony inside, hanging streamers. The decorator glanced back at them. "Oh! Heya, Bon Bon." She gasped and bounced towards them. “Oh, I’ve never met you before. Are you new here?” Lyra waved at her, a drop of sweat trailing down her neck. “What’s your name? When’s your birthday? What do you think of Ponyville? Did you—”

"Hey, Pinkie Pie.” Bon Bon peered around the room. “Where’s the librarian?"

Pinkie put a hoof on the side of her forehead. "Bon Bon, where have you been? Paige moved away weeks ago."

"Oh.” Bon Bon made a foolish looking grin, realizing that she needed to get out more. “Well, what are you doing here?”

“I’m gettin’ ready for Twilight’s party, duh!” Pinkie hopped in place. “Don’t forget to come tonight.”

“Oh, uh... We’ll be there.” Bon Bon gave an awkward smile. “Oh, could you give my friend a book on magic spells?"

"Oh, I know one that’s a goodie!" Pinkie whistled and a small alligator walked over to her. "Give them a copy of Magic for Foals please, Gummy." Gummy did as he was told. As he dropped it into Bon Bon’s bag, Lyra and she recoiled when they saw that he was toothless.

"Uh, thanks, Pinkie. Bye!" said Bon Bon. And they galloped away as fast as they could.

When they had gotten a good distance from the library, Lyra looked around to see that they had arrived at a park. Lyra spotted a bench a few feet in front of them and trotted over to it, Bon Bon following close behind. Lyra planted her flank on the park bench as Bon Bon lay down.

As a group of mares trotted by, one of them pointed to Lyra and whispered to the others; they all giggled.

Bon Bon glared at Lyra.

“Huh? What’s wrong?” Lyra asked.

"Lyra, you're embarrassing me!" Bon Bon said, frowning.

"What did I do?" Lyra asked.

Bon Bon sighed. "Just sit like a normal mare."

Lyra turned onto her side... and plunged head first onto the grass. "Freakin'! Scoot over, Bon Bon!"

"Uh, okay," Bon Bon said, shifting to the edge.

Lyra climbed back onto the bench. With her back hooves over the side, Lyra's face was an inch away from Bon Bon's. They both glanced down at the wood grain, smiling sheepishly.

Lyra closed her eyes and leaned in close to Bon Bon’s face. Bon Bon was about to do the same, but stopped when she looked up at Lyra’s horn. She glared at it and shoved it out of the way. The mare attached fell to the ground.

"Arrg! The hay with it!" Lyra stood and sat her flank on the bench, grumbling. When she realized what she said, her eyes widened. I’m even starting to talk like them now!

Bon Bon waited a moment before saying, "Here's your book, Lyra," as she gave her the magic book.

Lyra rested the book on her lap and fumbled with the pages until she got it open. Stupid hooves. She read for a bit and said, "It says I need something to practice levitation with."

Bon Bon got off the bench, dug her her hoof into the gravel road and lifted a piece out. “Here.” She dusted it off and dropped it onto the bench.

Concentrate on the object. Picture lifting it into the air, Lyra read. She took a deep breath and studied the rock. Her horn and the pebble started to glow, but the pebble didn’t move. Lyra groaned and gritted her teeth. The light from the rock shone brighter, but it still didn’t move. Panting like a dog, Lyra relaxed her horn and turned to Bon Bon.

Bon Bon shrugged.

I’m not good at anything. Lyra lowered her eyes to the ground.

~~~~~~~~~~

Lyra had spent the whole day trying to make the rock float in the air with magic. Once it started to get dark, Bon Bon suggested that she take a break and go to Twilight’s party.

“Lyra, your mane’s a mess.”

Lyra looked back to see Bon Bon with a brush in her mouth. She raised her neck up and swept Lyra’s hair until it was smooth. “There,” she tried to say, the brush hindering her speech. She dropped it back in her bag.

Bon Bon opened the door to the library and they both stepped through. It was dark inside. “Pinkie?” Bon Bon said.

“Quick! Hide!” Pinkie hissed, pulling them away from the door and shutting it. “It’s a surprise,” she whispered.

After a few moments of giggling and whispering between the other party guests, they heard the doorknob rattle. “Shh, she’s coming,” said Pinkie. The door opened.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey, Pinkie? Where’d Twilight Sparkle go? I wanted to ask her a question about magic spells,” Lyra asked.

Pinkie turned away from the table of desserts and said, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen her since she ate that hot sauce cupcake.”

Aww... Now how am I supposed to learn to make things float in the air? Lyra thought, glancing at the floor.

“Say!” Pinkie put a hoof on Lyra’s shoulder. “You’re Bon Bon’s friend, right?”

“Huh?” Lyra looked up at Pinkie’s face. “Uh... yeah.”

Pinkie turned to the other party guests and said, “Hey, everypony! This is...” She turned to Lyra. “What’s your name?”

The guests quieted down and looked at them. Lyra cleared her throat. “Lyra—”

Bon Bon rushed over to Lyra, covered her mouth with a hoof. “Heartstrings!” she said, grinning. The back of Bon Bon’s neck started to sweat.

“Heartstrings? That’s a dumb name!” somepony in the crowd said.

Lyra shoved Bon Bon’s hoof away and said, “My name’s not Heartstrings; it’s Lyra!”

“Lyra?” Pinkie dashed away and quickly returned with a small brass harp between her hooves. “As in lyre?”

“Huh? I don’t know,” said Lyra.

“Here, give it a whirl.” Pinkie held out the lyre. Lyra raised a hoof to take it, but the instrument dropped to the floor when she failed to grasp it. Pinkie giggled and said, “Just use your unicorn horn thingie.”

Lyra swallowed. “Okay...” She focused on the lyre and her horn started to glow. The brass made the magical aura around the lyre shine brightly, but it didn’t move an inch.

“C’mon, Lyra, you can do it!” Pinkie said, giving Lyra a slap on the back.

The lyre suddenly rose into the air.

A smile appeared on Lyra’s face. I did it! She moved her hooves to the musical instrument and started to play. With each note that she played, each string that she plucked, the beat became faster and the melody smoother. When she finished, she lowered the lyre to the floor.

Silence filled the air.

“That was amazing!” Bon Bon said. The mumbling voices behind her seemed to disagree.

“Eh? It was all right. But what really matters is this.” Pinkie lowered her eyes at Lyra. “Was it fun?”

“Are you kidding? That was awesome! I can’t wait to practice more, so I can...” Lyra lowered her eyes to the floor. “Oh, yeah. This isn’t mine.”

“Yes it is.”

“Huh?” Lyra’s eyes perked up.

“It’s my present to you,” said Pinkie, ”For moving to Ponyville and getting your cutie mark.”

“My what?”

Pinkie pointed a hoof at Lyra’s flank. On it, was a tattoo in the shape of the lyre she just played. Even without somepony telling her what a cutie mark was, Lyra still knew what it meant. It means I know what I’m gonna do.

~~~~~~~~~~

Lyra and Bon Bon were standing in the town hall, listening to the Mayor introduce Princess Celestia. Around them, all the party guests were jumping around and grinning like foals. Hey, everypony. It’s time for the sunrise! Pinkie had said. They looked up to see a white unicorn pull the curtain, revealing... nothing.

“Yours is invisible too, huh?” Lyra said, chuckling and nudging Bon Bon in the shoulder.

Bon Bon wasn’t laughing with her.

Suddenly, a large black pony appeared on the stage. Her horn and wings were bigger than any Lyra had seen in the last forty-eight hours.

“So the stories are true.”

“Huh?” Lyra turned to Bon Bon.

“Nightmare Moon.” Bon Bon looked into Lyra’s eyes. “I thought she was just an old pony tale.”

“And I thought My Little Pony was just a show for little girls,” Lyra said, gazing back at Nightmare Moon.

“What?”

“Huh?” Lyra looked back at Bon Bon. “I mean, we need to get out of here. If she’s as bad as you say, then it’s not safe.”

Bon Bon nodded.

The two ponies quickly left the castle and galloped all the way to Bon Bon’s house. Inside, they dropped their bags by the door and dashed into Bon Bon’s bedroom, diving under the covers.

“Hey!” Bon Bon said when she saw Lyra next to her, shivering. She planted her front hooves on Lyra and tried to push her off the bed.

“Bon Bon, wait,” said Lyra, holding onto the bed sheet for dear life. “I’m scared...”

“I’m scared too!” Bon Bon pushed harder.

“Then why are you pushing me out of the bed?” Lyra’s lip quivered.

Bon Bon glanced at Lyra’s horn. “I’m scared of something else.”

“I’ll protect you.”

“Huh?” Bon Bon’s eyes went wide and she let her hooves fall onto the bed.

“But... I need you to protect me, too.”

“Okay...” Bon Bon pulled the blanket over them, her hooves covered in a light sweat.

A faint smile appeared on Lyra’s face. Closing her eyes, she wrapped her front hooves around Bon Bon and held her tightly. Bon Bon smiled at her and closed her eyes as well.