Dude, that was some strange weed
*The links in this fic lead to songs that The D are playing at the time. Click them if you want to know what they are playing.*
"Come on KG we have to finish this album, no for us but for mankind." Jack black said as he pulled Kyle Gass into each others face.
"I'm sorry Jack but we just can't come up with the last song. We already made instant classics like, Death star, Low hanging fruit, and our come back song Rize of the fenix. I just don't know if we have any thing left to finish the album." Kyle looked at Jack with a depressed look in his eye.
"No way Kage we have to blow our fans minds, the only way we do that is if we fuse our heads together and create a masterpiece." Jack suddenly raise an eyebrow. "I have an idea to help us give birth to our rock prodigy." JB ran back in the closet and looked for a shoe box that was labeled 'inspiration box.' Jack quickly returned to Kyle with the box and started opening the box.
"Good idea Jack, it has been so long I forgot we had, The Bong Of Destiny." Kyle watched as Jack opened the box fully and pulled out what looked to be a horn off a goat. The horn was of course the devil's horn. Kyle and Jack had saved the world from the devil by detaching his horn and sending him back into hell. "Hurry up Jack and get it lit, we have to finish this album."
"Don't worry Kage." Jack said. "With the power of the B.O.D. and this sweet California roadkill we will have our creative juices flowing." Jack lit the bong and both rock gods took a hit. "Damn that is some strong shit! The bong really brings out the weeds true power."
"Yeah." Kyle said as he started to slump in his chair. "Dude, I feel funny."
"Me too Kage." Jack said as he started to lose his vision. "I think I'm going blind Kyle, but it feels awesome." Kyle was passed out. Jack followed closely behind and smashed his face into the sound station of the recording studio.
Jack awoke in the dark and blinked his eyes. "Holy shit! That was some good shit." Jack said as he raised his head. "Hey Kage, buddy were are you?" Jack heard a noise in the darkness and strained to try and see what was there. "Kage? Come on man, don't be an asshole just help me up." Silence. Jack started to worry a bit and tried to stand. "What the fuck!" Jack said as his body felt completely alien to him. Jack tried moving his hands but felt no fingers. "Dude, what was in that weed?" Jack said as he calmed down. He heard the noise again but closer. "Stay back I know Kung Fu." Jack said as he tried to mange standing. "I'm warning you!" He said as his voice began to raise an octave. The sound continued to get closer. "Don't kill me!" Jack yelled in a shrill girly voice.
"Jables relax, it's me Kage." Kyle said. "I know this may seem weird but we aren't exactly ourselves any more." Kyle flicked on a light to reveal both of there bodies. Jack was still on the floor of the empty room. The room had only a small, dirty mat that Jack was sleeping on and some chains. Jack looked at KG and himself then flinched. He wore a dark blue coat with a black mane and a tattoo of a microphone on his ass. Jake looked at Kyle puzzled.
"What are we?" Jack asked. Kyle stood there. He was Tan and had a slightly bigger frame with no mane. He wore a guitar on his ass. Kinky.
"You have been out for a couple days. Follow me and I will bring you to the Princess." Kyle said as he helped Jack onto his four legs. Jack found it easier than he thought to walk on four legs. Jack was confused and wanted answers, and his guitar.
"Princess?" He questioned as the duo left the small room. Kyle lead Jack to stair case that went up indefinitely. As they climbed Jack noticed the increase in class as they passed each floor. The scummy walls were soon replaced by white wallpaper and murals of the creatures Kyle and himself were now. "What is this place Kyle? Are we just on some crazy trip?" Kyle turned to Jack and gave him a stern look.
"You will find out once we get to the Princess, but no we are not on a trip." Kyle reassured his friend. They continued to walk until they entered a throne room. Jack looked at the giant stained glass windows that surrounded him. They showed mostly the same six being in many different situations. Jack scoffed.
"So where is this, 'Princes'," Jack said smugly.
"Right behind you." Celestia said. Jack spun around to see the white creature enter the room. "I have been wanting to meet you for awhile now. Just who are you and why are you in Equestria." She said sternly.
"Woah woah, hold on a second." Jack said annoyingly. "I don't even know what I am let alone why I am here."
"That what all you humans say when you enter our world." Celestia said while she lowered her head. Jack backed up.
"Wait there have been more humans here?" Jack questioned.
"Yes." Celestia said like she has said it a hundred times. "Most the time, the humans that enter Equestria are just horny men who want to mate with my subjects." Jack turned and held a laugh in.
"Well Princess can you tell me what I am?" Jack said as he just imagined nerdy man-children trying to have sex with small bug eyed creatures. It might have made a funny album cover.
"You are a pony." She said obviously not amused. Jack took another look at himself and couldn't make the connection.
"If you say so." Jack said not really giving a fuck after the sex comment. Jack's head shot up suddenly. Jack began to panic as he realized his guitar was missing. "Did you happen to find a guitar with me when I was brought here?"
"Yes it is with all the other shit that happens to come into Equestria from the human world." The Princess said as she pointed to the door on the far side of the room. "Grab it and come back." Jack headed to the door and slipped inside. He gaped at the pile of stuff in the room. Jack and Kyle's Guitars were both on top of the pile. The rest of the pile looked to be small stuffed animals of the ponies of this world. Weird.
Jack left the room with both guitars. "Hey Rage Kage I found your guitar." Kyle looked over to Jack and grabbed the instrument.
"Thanks man." Kyle said as him and Jack turned to the Princess.
"Now that you have your shit tell me why you came here." Bring the question back to the duo who looked puzzled.
"I'm sorry Princess." Kyle said. "But I told you all we know two days ago when you found me an JB. We were smoking some sweet weed and ended up passing out. Next thing we know, Boom! We are here."
"Fine I guess that will have to do." She said. "You will have to stay until we can find a way to get you back or you decide to stay here, like so many of you do." She snorted as she looked to the far side of the room. Jack continued to grin at the obviously pissed off mare.
"Well, can I not stay in the same room? That stair case is a long walk." Jack wined.
"Fine, I will send you to my student Twilight Sparkle in Ponyville." She said as Jack began laughing.
"HAHA! Ponyville?! Really? Is that the best you could come up with for a town." Jack said falling on his back. Jack noticed that he was the only one laughing. "Lighten up your royal tight ass, I am just trying to take everything in." Celestia just turned and walked away as her horn glowed a yellowish aura. The same glow enveloped Kyle and Jack and lifted them in the air. Another second later they were in a library. They fell hard on their face once the glow let them go, upside down and ten feet in the air. "Ow, what a bitch." Jack said as he looked around the library. A purple form confronted them with a letter.
"It says here that you are two new humans that became ponies and need to stay until you can go home." The Purple pony said almost like a chore list. "Well good luck getting home, most don't. So tell me about yourselves and if you want to have sex with me the answer is no." Jack got up and retrieved his guitar off the floor.
"I am Jack and this is Kyle." Jack said holding his guitar.
"I'm Twilight Sparkle and just a warning, you will need better names than those so the other ponies don't know you are a human. Celestia has tried to hide that fact that naked, hairless monkeys can invade our world from no where."
"What kind of name will we need." Jack asked.
"Nothing special just not your human name. Maybe a nickname." Twilight said with a bit more enthusiasm.
"Hummmm....How 'bout Jables and....Rage Kage." Jack said signaling Kyle if he thought the name was fine. Rage Kage nodded.
"That will work, now time to explain some basic of the pony anatomy." Twilight exclaimed as Jables turned with a concerned look. "You might be wondering what that mark is on you flanks. That is called a Cutie Mark and it represents your special talent." Twilight said as she leered at Jack's ass. "You seem to be good at singing and your friend is handy with a guitar." Twilight turned and pointed towards a chalk board on the wall. Using a pointer to extend her reach she showed a diagram of a winged pony and a horned pony. She explained what a Pegasus was and that they control the weather. She then explained unicorns and how they could turn them inside out with magic if they tried to mate with an unwilling mare. Jack was still smiling at the thought. "So any questions." Twilight signalling she was done.
"No, I think we understand." Kage said. He then shot his 'hoof' up, panicking as he feared she would miss his hoof.
"Yes?" Twilight said with a little smile.
"If we don't have hands any more how are we supposed to play our guitars?" Kage blurted.
"Don't worry, hooves are just as capable as hands, just don't ask me how that works." Twilight said trying not to take any more of their time with a boring discussion of how hooves work.
"Dodged a bullet there Rage Kage." Jack said nudging Kyle in the shoulder. "Might as well just left him to die if he couldn't play." Jack said to Twilight.
"So you two are a band of sorts?" She asked curiously.
"You could say that." Jack said as he stuck a heroic pose. "We just saved the whole world with our musical fusion." Twilight's eyes widened.
"You two saved an entire world? Glad to know other ponies are capable of such feats." Twilight said walking up to the two ponies.
"What do you mean 'other ponies'?" Jack said clearly seeing Twilight was not so impressed with their heroic status.
"Oh well, I don't want to brag, but if you saw the throne room in the castle you probably saw me and my friends using the Elements of Harmony to save Equestria." Twilight explained as she observed jables and Kage. "Now that I know the human world has heroes like ours I must know more. Who did you fight? Why was it attacking you? What was its name? Oh! I'm so excited and have many questions." Jack was overwhelmed with Twilight's curiousness. She saw that she was diving to far in to early. "Sorry I will ask another time I guess." She said sheepishly. "You are welcomed to stay here as you find a way back home, but don't go till after I question you, OK." Jack took a breath and leaned to whisper to Kyle, "Holy shit this one is crazier than the Princess Bitch." Kage laughed at Jables remarks.
Jables and Rage Kage soon wanted to explore their new surroundings and headed to the front door. "Oh, you are leaving? Please visit AppleJack while you are out. She is the go to pony for humans in need of a job for their stay." Twilight said over her book on obscure human history. Jables thought about not going as he wasn't the working type, but seeing that him a Kage were stuck her for now he really didn't have a choice. They walked around the town of colorful ponies. They saw many of them setting up a stage, this of course go the duo's attention.
"What is this stage for?" Kage asked the worker pony.
"It is to celebrate the founding of Ponyville, you two must be new. We celebrate it every year, and it is awesome!" The worker pony said through his ball cap and blond-brown hair. He wore a green coat and had a cutie mark of hammer and a foam finger. "I'm Lee by the way." He said. Jack and Kyle shot each a glance at the familiar name.
"Thanks...Lee." Jables said finding a chance to get on stage. "So Lee, we were wondering if me and my bro Rage Kage here could get a spot on the gig list?" Lee looked at Jack and Kyle with discerning eyes.
"I can see what I can do. What is your group called." Lee grabbed a pen in his mouth and prepared to wright on his clipboard.
Jables and Kage looked at each other with smiles. "We are Jables and Rage Kage, and we are Tenacious D. We will ROCK YOUR SOCKS!" Jack and Kage struck a pose and began playing their guitars in the most awesome way possible. Lee stopped writing and began banging his head. Jack and Kyle continued to play for a few more minutes. Once Jack and Kyle were done Lee stared at the two rocker.
"What was that!" He said wide eyed. "That was like nothing I ever heard before. What do you call it?" Jack grabbed Lee by the shoulder and began a trend that will never be undone in the history of this universe or any other universe.
"We call that Rock my young friend." Jack said. Lee yelled out and cheered even if he didn't know why. "So are we on the list Lee?" Jack said knowing the answer.
"Hell yeah!" Lee said erasing the head liners. "You can have the whole show to yourselves." Jack smiled and hugged Lee.
Later Jables and Kage returned to Twilight with the news that her 'heroes' would be playing in the Ponyville celebration. "That is great guys, how did you do that." Twilight said happily.
"Well we just used our magical talents to convince him to let us play." Jack said proudly.
"Magical? Twilight said. "You know magic?" She sat curiously.
"Yes we do Twilight. We know the magic of ROCK!" Jack said while Kyle played a sick riff.
"Rock? like on the ground? Those aren't very magical." Twilight said holding a hoof to her chin.
"You never heard of rock?" Jack said holding his mane with his hooves. Twilight shock her head no. Jack and Kyle quickly grabbed their guitars. "OK, just sit back and let us take you to....Nirvana." Jack played a Classico tune of fucking rocking and fucking rolling all the time. Twilight got up as soon as the song started and started to whip her hair around and moaning softly as if in a trance. Jack and Kyle continued to play, amused by Twilight. When they finished Twilight looked disappointing but had to ask.
'Was that rock? Its magic is so strange and powerful." Twilight said as she passed a hoof through her mane.
"Why yes, yes it is." Jack said as she made the only acceptable duck face. "That is but a taste of the tangy, lush fruit we will be preforming tonight on stage." Jack and Kyle quickly ran upstairs to get comfy and plan their master performance. After a few seconds Jack and Klye were ready. "Kage we have to blow our musical genius all over these ponies." Jack said as he looked over their set list. "I think we are looking groovy, lets go rock!" Jack and Kyle made their way out of the library and into the town where the stage was completed. Lee was on stage stating that the best band in the world was going to play and if you miss this your unborn grandchildren with regret it. All the ponies gave an awkward stare. Jack and Kyle walked onto the stage. "Sup." Jack said as bored as possible. "We just made up this song five minutes ago just for you." Jack looked over the small crowd of ponies and said, "Y'all motherbuckers better go get your friends, they won't want to miss this shit." Jack said calmly as he began to Master Exploder his musical power juices all over the crowd. The ponies in the crowd cheered at the band as they preformed. One pony's head even explode from the god like awesome. Jack and Kyle continued to play while changing outfits and guitars at will. Once the duo was done they stood on stage as flower, bras, and even babies were thrown at them. Jack asked, "So did you like it?" The ponies erupted in a cheer that could be heard in Canterlot. Lee in particular cheered loudly. Jack noticed the pony and decide to do something rad. "Let us thank our #1 fan here, Lee get up on stage." Lee Jumped on stage and appeared in between the hard rockers. "Now Lee had prepared this nice stage for you ponies so I think it is only appropriate that we give thanks. Yes?" The growing crowd began chanting Lee and hooting at him. "This one goes out to the best Roadie in Equestria." As The D played they noticed a mint green pony with a white mane and blue streaks stood gaping at the band. They continued to play on through the night appeasing the ponies hungry for rock. When they were done they searched for the strange mint pony.
"Hold on there miss, what is your name." Kage asked as he spotted the Lyra cutie mark.
"Oh, I'm Lyra Heartstrings." She said nervously. "I enjoyed the show, it was very..." She couldn't seem to find the words she needed.
"Enlightening, Life-changing. Chod-tastic?" Jack said trying to help the poor mare out.
"No. Not that, I meant...uh can you follow me please I have something to show you in private." Lyra said as she gestured to what looked like a music store.
"Uh, sorry girl we aren't into horse fucking." Jack said with a strange face.
Lyra turned red and got angry at the two. "Not that you fucking idiot! Just follow me before I change my mind." She said as she walked without checking if she was being followed. Kage and Jabels walked to the music store not expecting what was going to happen.
"So what do you want, exactly?" Jack said as he entered the music shop. The building was covered in a verity of instruments from harps to tubas.
"Shut up and follow me. I'm taking you to my boss." Lyra lead to a back room that was locked. She opened the door with a key and walked away. "In." She said. Jack and Kyle went into the back room that was completely black.
"Are you going to rape us now?" Jack said fearfully. Lyra face hoofed and slammed the door.
"I can't believe they are the heroes of legend." Jack could hear Lyra say as she was walking away from the door. Kyle poked Jack in the ribs to get his attention. Jack looked and saw a white pony with a black mane siting on a chair in the dark. His cutie mark was one of a musical note and a dollar sign.
"Hello boys." The pony said as he turned in his chair to face the band. "We have a lot of work to do." He said as he got up. "I'm Ben Stallion nice to meet you." Ben soon began rummaging through a stack of papers as Jack and Kyle stood not know what to do.
"Hey man, what is this about?" Jack said. Jack looked at the other tattoos around the ponies body. One was of a shiny demon that Jack as seen before. Jack shrugged off his thought as the pony turned around.
"I'm asking the questions around here!" Ben said as he pulled an ancient scroll form the pile. "Do you fellas know why you have been summoned here yet?" He asked. Jack gave him a questioning stare.
"No, but im guessing you do." Jack was right as Ben laughed.
"Oh yes, I am the only one that knew the proficiency would one day come true." Ben said as he leered at the parchment in front of him. "The signs were showing up more and more every day." Ben pointed to a passage on the paper.
On the ten thousandth year, a strange light will befall the land of equines and start in motion the reign of darkness.
The only chance for the world to survive will be the team of two, with the up most awesomeness.
"That light shined two days ago, and now you two show up." Ben said with a strange looking smile. "They all said I was crazy for believing in the old prophecy." Jack was confused.
"What are you talking about bro? Jack said.
"I'm talking about the end of ponykind!" Ben raged. "Do you want to know why these ponies never knew of rock before tonight? It is because that is the dark bringers only weakness." Jack began to understand. "The dark one can only rule if his subjects are not purified by the godly rock."
"So we just have to keep melting faces till the beast is no more right?" Jack said stupidly.
"No! The Dark one is much to powerful for this world now. The ancients were the ones to seal him away long ago, back when rock was prevalent through out Equestria." Ben then pointed to another passage on the old paper.
The beast will stomp through this land, if not for the worlds most awesome band.
The duo must acquire the instruments of old.
Only with hand so pure and made of gold.
One of string and wood, one to amplify the roar of the gods.
They will have to be cunning and quick with their licks, if to overwhelm the odds.
Jack and Kyle gulped as they were read the prophecy. "You know what must be done then?" Ben asked. Jack began to raise his chest and glare his eyes.
"Kage we have to use our rock sauce to save a world in need." Jack said.
"Wait, hold on Jabels." Kage said with a worry. "We don't even know why we are here. What if we aren't the ones this prophecy is talking about? What if this isn't even a real prophecy." Ben jumped up at that comment.
"YOU CALLING ME LIER?!" Ben grabbed his big ass machete from the table and pointed it at Kage. "I'M NOT CRAZY MOTHER FUCKER, I WILL CUT YOU!." Ben slammed Kage's head into the table.
"WOH! Hold on Ben, we are all friends here." Jack pleaded. "Who thinks you are crazy Ben?"
"The god damn pony government and that bitch Celestia." Ben said still holding Kage.
"Well man we think The goverment totally sucks too man." Jack began playing his guitar while Kage sang head first on the table. Ben soon let go of Kage.
"Sorry man, my bad." Ben said with a smile. "I just get antsy when people think I wrong."
"Dude, there is a better way to settle issues then violence." Jack said reaching for the weapon in Ben's hooves. Ben dropped the weapon and gave Jack and Kyle a strange, some what ire hug. "Good man, that is great now let go." Ben stepped back. "Alright Kage, we have done this before we can do it again." Kage still gave Jack a strange look. "Come on Kage I can't do this by myself. I need you bro." Kage backed away.
"I don't know Jabels this doesn't seem right to me. I'm going back to Twilight to see if she made any head way with returning us home." As Kage left Jack began playing on his guitar.
"Dude I totally miss you." Jack continued to play. Kage returned to join in the song. Jack was not surprised by his friend's loyalty. "You ready to do this Rage Kage?" Jack said to his amigo.
"Do I have a choice?" Kage said with a smile as they bro hugged for what seemed like a hundred years.
"Alright Ben what do we do first?" Jack said as they let go of the best friend hug.
