Fjord the warrior Goes to Equestria (AKA: Hell)

by Uberdeathninja

Rating: mature
Tags: Human, Main 6, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Other, Random, Adventure, Princess Celestia
Length: 11009

A hater goes to Equestria and does what he does best.

A hater wakes up one morning in a dank forest. Having read enough MLP fan-fictions to know where this is going. He decides to raise a little hell. And by a little, I mean a lot.

*Rated mature for strong language (this is a hater for god's sake)*

*Will be revised once completed*

Published 2013-08-08 04:50:08 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-05 22:34:27 UTC

... Guns (not-so) blazing

I woke up, still in the cave. I had honestly hoped that it was a dream.
"So much for anything going right for once." I looked to see if there was any sign of the manticore, thankfully it left.
"Good riddance." I muttered. I walked out into the forest in search of my breakfast. After five minutes, I found a nice tasty rabbit to feast upon the well cooked flesh of.
"Needs more bacon." I said nonchalantly in my best Engineer impression after my meal. I walked along in another random direction attentively. Like hell I was going to let the forest get the best of me. I heard a twig snap behind me.

"Fail. 'nuff said." I told whatever was behind. I turned around to see what it was. I found, to my, surprise and horror, the Mane Six. Rainbow Dash was the first to recover from her shock. (Typical.)
"Just who do you think you are telling us that? Your not the judge!" She yelled in my face. I looked her deep in the eyes balefully. For about ten minutes this continued, until her war face was all but broken. I grabbed her by the neck.
"I am the Fjord the warrior, the Scion of Rage, and the Apex of Hatred. I am The Incarnation of anger, and the Sunderer of nations. It is an HONOR to be judged by me that I have oh so gracefully given to you." I yelled at her and tossed her back to her friends, having put the brash bitch in her place. Then I noticed that they had jewelry on. Rainbow recovered from her talking down to after a few seconds. (More or less.)
"How dare you! You hurt my friend!" Twilight Sparkle shouted, having regained her senses and comprehending what had just happened.
"How dare I? How DARE I? How dare YOU not know of me. I have sundered countless nations and civilizations! You will beg me for death before i alleviate you of your pathetic and miserable life!" I shouted back, a plan coming to mind. An evil plan. An evil, devious plan. An evil, devious, grinchy plan. The bearers of the elements of harmony began to levitate. Thinking out side the box, I needed to pretend to have been possessed by a demon. As the bearers opened their now glowing eyes, I condensed the darkness around me into a bubble shield. Then the beam of rainbows was fired. I grinned beneath the dome, I needed to keep up the facade of not wanting to lose and wait. After a few minutes I shattered the shield inward and let the beam strike me. After the beam struck, I was in a bit of pain, but nothing I couldn't walk off. But now was time to execute my brilliant plan. Clearing my mind, I fell to one knee.

"Thank you, kind strangers! You have freed me from the the possession of the evil demon, -(is there any other kind?)- Rakdos the defiler! Under his possession, I have done many unforgivable acts -(bullshit)- and now I beg you to forgive me of them -(also bullshit). Can you find it in your hearts -(which I will tare out of your chests and eat to gain your life force)- to forgive me?" They didn't look convinced.
("Uh-oh.")
"Oh, you poor thing. Of course I will forgive you" Fluttershy suddenly said.
("Trust, deceived.") I grinned.
"Thank you, fair maiden. I shall never forget you kindness -(once again, BULLSHIT)." Then I kissed her hoof to add to the deception. (I wanted to vomit until my intestines lay upon the ground after that.) She blushed.
"O-oh i-it's really not that big of a deal." She stuttered. After that, the others warmed up to me save for Rainbow Dash. Rainbow glared at me.
"that's not nice Rainbow." Fluttershy said in my defense.
"I do not blame you if you still cannot forgive me. Rakdos has committed many unspeakable horrors -(that was all solely my doing.)- through me." I said to her in her defense.
("Reverse psychology for the win.")
"Alright I forgive you, but if I find out you're lying I'll kick your butt." She said distrustfully. Oh, delicious irony.
"I'll take my chances." I muttered nonchalantly under my breath.

"So, what's your name?" Rarity asked.
"As Rakdos said, I am Fjord the warrior. He prefers to use the names of those he possesses." I half lied.
"Why would you have such a monstrous name?" Rarity asked mortified by my name. I pondered the question for but a moment.
"Perhaps it is because all I have ever known is war." They gasped in shock.
"My kind has waged war against many nightmarish creatures for countless millennium. I ask you if you would help an old warrior break the chains of violence -(I would sooner chop my own dick off and eat it)." I said gloomily. Twilight placed a hoof on my shoulder.
"Of course we'll teach you the magic of friendship." she said to comfort me. (not that I needed it.) Pinkie Pie suddenly perked up.
"OOHWECOULDHAVEAWELCOMETOPONYVILLPARTYDOYOULIKEPARTIESBECAUSEILOVEPARTIESINFACTTHROWINGPARTIESISMYSPECIALTYANDIAMSOOOGOODATITBUTBACKTOTHEPARTYITWILLBESOFUNTHEREWILLBEFOODANDDRINKSANDGAMESANDFUNACTIVITYSAND-" She was cut off abruptly by a hoof shoved in her mouth.
"Sorry 'bout that, Pinkie's a lil' bit energetic an' all." Applejack said, her hoof in pinkie's mouth "I can relate." I said with a shrug.

"Well girls, we should be heading back to Ponyville before it gets dark." Twilight said. The girls agreed, not wanting to stay in the forest to long. (on top of the fact it was trying really hard to kill me.) Twilight teleported us to the edge closest to Ponyvill. I grabbed pinkie gently by the scruff of her neck to keep her from running off so I could say something.
"Pinkie, while I do not dislike parties, I would prefer my existence to be kept a secret for now. If your friends agree, we could have a slumber party, which is still technically a party right?" I said trying not to have my cover blown so soon. (troll logic for the win.)
"Okkie dokkie lokkie!" The sickening, pink mare said. The others agreed to meet at Twilight's house at sunset, and went to get the few things they would need. Twilight stayed behind to ask me a few things.

"Why do you want your existence to be a secret?" Twilight asked.
"Because I am very fond of my hands." I said nonchalantly. Twilight look at me confused.
"Why would you be concerned about your hands?" she asked.
"last time I met creatures without hands one of there crazies tried to cut mine off with a hacksaw. Besides, my being could bring about mass panic, given my history." She seemed satisfied with my answer.
"Valid, but how are we going to get you the library?" she asked, that was the only detail I overlooked. (probably because i already had an answer.)
"Just go to the library, I will follow you."
("parkour time.")

Twilight left, and I followed suit with stealth and precision. As we reached the outskirts of town, I leaped up on a roof in a single bound, (easy given these bastards's princesses only come up to my upper chest.) landing softly and silently. I continued to parkour through the town, following the bitchy princess's student feeling like Skydoesmminecraft. After siting on the roof for a few minutes as she bought some food and drinks for the sleepover, I saw her exit and head along the way to her tree-house-library. I followed her and slipped in via the balcony. She starred at the front door door waiting for her me. Her friends arrived. After all her friends arrived she finally lost here cool.
"UGH! WHERE IS HE?" She groaned. After she said that I deployed a smokescreen and dove in quickly enough to avoid being seen. The smokescreen parted to reveal me standing there as if I was there the whole time. I did a little dance and made a troll face at the end.

"You mad?" I said adding insult to injury.

Author's Note

As I said. I need ideas on how to interact with the little abominations. If it's in ("") or "()" than means i'm saying it in my head.

The sleepover from hell...

"You mad?" I mock-asked.
"Where were you? I was waiting for you for hours!" Twilight Sparkle asked furiously.
"Right above you." I answered. "What?" She asked looking up.
"I have ninja training. I can be invisible if I want." I said as if it was fact. (which it kind of is.)
"So girls, what should we do first?" Twilight asked.
"Do I look like the keeper of that knowledge?" I asked.
"Well you don't, so I would assume not." Rarity said.
"Well I'm gonna go to sleep. Wake me if my chest explodes, or you figure out what to do. Whichever comes first." I said as I started walking over to the dampest corner.
"OOH OOH WE COULD PLAY TWISTER!" Pinkie Pie suggested suddenly.
"Dibs on spinner." I said quickly.
"NO, YOU HAVE TO PLAY WITH US! TWILIGHT GETS THE SPINNER!" She blurted in reply.
"That's it. I'm invoking the international 'Dibs' protocol... And the 'No take backs' protocol." I said.
"SILLY FJORDIE, THE INTERNATIONAL 'DIBS' AND 'NO TAKE BACKS' PROTOCOLS ONLY WORK IN BLOOD GULCH!" Pinkie said, confusing everyone but only enraging me.
"I. Hate. Metas." I snarled.

"What?" Pinkie asked.
"Never mind. I'll play." I said angrily, hoping this was a one-time thing.
"YAY!" Pinkie exclaimed.
"But you have to stop calling me Fjordie. Fjord is fine though." I trolled her. (puns for the win.)
"OKAY!" she shouted and from nowhere pull out a Twister mat and spinner.
("This is gonna suck.") So for roughly an hour -(which felt more like two years)- we played the most humiliating game of Twister. For minutes I was put in some suggestive positions with the girls, the only thing happening in my body was my testicles receding back into it at the speed of Clint Eastwood. "Right hind hoof, green!" Pinkie said. Rainbow Dash shifted over me. Placing her right hind hoof on the same spot as my right hand, resulting in her ass in my face.
"I fucking hate you." I told Pinkie.
"Alright, that's enough Twister fer one night." Applejack said, detecting my inhuman levels of rage. I grabbed Rainbow's wing and yanked her off of me dropping her on the floor.

"I need to use the bathroom." I said bluntly.
"Upstairs, first door on the right." Twilight said knowing why.
"thanks." I said angrily, I needed to expel liquid fury right now. I entered the bathroom, and promptly vomited in the toilet. After flushing and washing my hands, I went back to the main floor in a pleasant mood. The worlds raunchiest game of Twister having been put away. In it's place, though, was a bottle. The second worst game in the world was about to begin. If the last game sucked, then this was gonna blow. I sat between to Pinkie and Fluttershy, the former of whom I was still pissed at.

"Alright, here's the rules..." Rainbow began. "... when the bottle lands on you, you have to choose; truth or dare. If you choose dare, you have to go though with it, If you choose truth, you have to be honest. Any questions?" She finished. I raised my hand casually.
"Yes?" She asked.
"Is mayonnaise an instrument?" I asked innocently to piss off Twilight. All the Mane Six bust into laughter save for Twilight. "You can't be serious." She said face hoofing.
"I'm not." I replied.
"Lets go." I said. Twilight got the first spin. The bottle landed on me.
"Truth or dare?" She asked me.
"I'm feeling adventurous. Dare." I said boldly.
"I dare you to... Kiss Fluttershy." she said grinning.
"WHAT?" I screamed.

"You have to do it." She said.
"fine." I groaned and quickly pecked Fluttershy's cheek.
"Oh, what was that?" Twilight asked in a disappointed tone.
"A kiss." I retorted.
"That was pathetic." she said.
"You said to kiss her, you didn't say it had to be passionate -(the likes of which I will never do)." I replied. For another hour I sat for the most part only picking truth and answering truthfully -(as long as it was not a sensitive subject). After the game finally ended, I went to sleep in the basement.

Author's Note

It'll only get worse.

... In hell.

I found myself surrounded by blackness... again. But this time it was different. I saw something materialize in the darkness. A demonic figure that look like a shadowy palate/effect-swap of the Balrog. It look at me, inspecting my every detail.
"Welcome home... brother." It said in a tone that was as demonic as it's appearance. After hearing this, I said the only rational thing that came to mind.
"What?"
"I do not expect you to remember, as you were but an infant." He said.
"Wait. If you are my brother, doesn't that mean I'm at least half demon?"I said.
"Yes that makes you half demon." He said.
"So I'm half demon. That would explain my powers." I realized.
"Those powers are but mere fractions of you full, dark potential. Kudos on your plan by the way." He said.
"So, the powers I've already used are just basic powers? This will be Awesome ." I said.
"Indeed. I am Rahamaug, by the way." Rahamaug said.
"So bro, can you teach me some cool abilities?" I said, exited to pull off more badass shit. Rahamaug chuckled.
"No. And the fact that your brother is a demon doesn't surprise you in the least?" He said.
"One does not simply, go to Equestria and be come surprised by anything ever again. By the way, where are we?" I said

"This is the abyssal blackness. Or as you know it, Hell." He said.
"Needs more hell-fire" I said.
"This is only the visitor's center." He retorted.
"Makes sense." I said.
"How did you discover your powers though? I thought you had no clue about your heritage until now." He said.
"I woke up in the woods. Having seen enough fan-fics to know where that was going, I wished I had a gun. a few seconds later, I've got one of the fastest firing guns available to mankind." I said.
"Interesting." He said.
"Indeed. although, a bit later on, I found out that I was completely naked. Then I willed the shadows to make some Japanese weapons to go with the ninja suit I had made." I said.
"Well, you are certainly more of a natural at shadow magic than I am." He said, genuinely impressed that I mastered basic abilities in an hour.
"All I legitimately feel in this hell hole that is Equestria, is rage."
"I see. Well, I have only a little bit more time left. So I will leave you a gift. A book that will contain all your powers and tell you how to use them." He said.
"Me gusta" I said. This is still gonna be awesome.
"Oh you will. Sadly, you must return to the waking world for now." He said. And with that there was a flash of light and I was awake in the basement.

Suddenly the door opened and Twilight walked down.
"Good morning, Fjord." She said joyfully.
"Wow, I'm up early." I said, surprised at waking up this early.
"This is early for you? I'd hate to see you sleeping in." she said sarcastically.
"One does not simply, party and wake up at a reasonable hour." I said.

"I do." She retorted.
"And you can see ninjas without being a pirate." I back-trolled.
"What?" She asked.
"If you don't know and don't have a dick, you don't belong on the Internet." I replied.
"What's an Internet." She asked.

"Rule number three of the Internet, we are anonymous. Rule number four, anonymous is legion. Rule number five, anonymous never forgives. Rule number six, anonymous can be a horrible, senseless, uncaring monster. Rule number seven, anonymous is still able to deliver." I said.
"That's horrible!" She said.
"Rule number fourteen, do not argue with trolls - It means they win." I said, activating my troll face.
"Wait, you skipped several rules." She said.
"Rule number thirty two, You must have pictures to prove your statements." I retorted.
"What are you talking about? I don't need pictures, All I need are facts." She huffed.
"Pics or it didn't happen." I said.
"UGH! WHY AM I TALKING TO YOU?" She yelled.
"Because you don't know the rules of the Internet." I quipped.
"I'm done here. There's breakfast on the table upstairs." She said none too happily. I went upstairs and found eggs, and what appeared to be a flower sandwich. I greedily devoured my eggs and placed the inedible sandwich on the plate next to mine. Rainbow groggily took her place next to mine.

"Sweet Jesus. And I thought I was a late sleeper." I said.
"Not now. I just got up." She snapped.
"Rule number twelve of the Internet, anything you say can and will be used against you." I said. Game, set, match.
"I don't care." She snapped again.
"well obviously you do, or you wouldn't have said that." I retorted.
"leave me alone." She snapped, venom in her voice.
"Rule number fourteen, do not argue with trolls - It means they win." I trolled.
"UGH! SHUT UP!" She yelled.
"Okay." I said innocently. She ate her sandwich and eggs and left to clear the skies, Celestia was coming over today after all. If the memes had any truth to them I would have to step up my game. Hell hath no fury like a Trollestia scorned.

Author's Note

here are the first forty seven rules of the internet:

First impressions.

It was about ten in the morning when Princess Celestia came to the library. The chariot landed outside the library, and the guards had been stationed outside the door. She looked at me, scrutinizing my every detail. I starred back, the element bearers on either side of me. I had cleared my mind of every last thing. This was the moment of truth.
"So you are the strange presence I felt in the Everfree." She said in a voice like silk.
"Honestly, I'm not surprised." I replied, waiting for the perfect moment to begin.
"So from what I have been told, you were possessed by a demon. Is this true?" She asked.
"Yes, but I was able to resist for much longer than normal. These brave souls have freed me from the demon's possession." I lied, gesturing to my left and right.
"Interesting, Why were you able to resist the demon's power?" She asked nodding.
"I do not know." I lied again.
"hmm." she hummed.
("dammit, give me an opening.")
"From what Twilight has told me, You are a Warrior, Mr. Fjord." She said.
"For the most part, yes." I replied.
"I see." She said.

"Would you like to have a seat, princess?" Twilight asked Celestia.
"Rule number twenty five of the Internet, relation to the original topic decreases with every single post."
"What?" Celestia asked.
"Don't ask. You'll re-" she began.
"Rule number fifteen, the harder you try, the harder you will fail." I interrupted.

"Are you Insulting me?" Celestia asked balefully.
"Rule number twenty, nothing is to be taken seriously." I said.
"I assume no then." She said confused by my statement.

"sorry, I'm prone to spontaneous acts of trolling. Usually they go away when I piss someone off" I said.
"Apology, accepted." She said.
"It's a bad habit. Then again, the Internet is full of trolls." I said as we sat down. Honestly I was just looking forward to the end.
"So what is the Internet?" Celestia Inquired.
"Yeah, you never told me." Twilight said.
"never mind, 'tis a silly place." I responded in a British accent.
"What could possibly be silly about it? It has rules!"Twilight said, wanting to know more about this mysterious place That they assumed I hale from.

"Rule number eight, there are no real rules about posting. Rule number nine, there are no real rules about moderation ether - enjoy you ban." I said.
"What?" Celestia said.
"Don't blame me, I'm just readin' off the rule sheet." I said putting my hands up in mock-defense.
"Why would they have rules like that?" Twilight asked.
"Remember rules three through seven?" I said. Twilight shuddered at the thought of such a dark place actually existing.
"Don't remind me." she said.
"well, those are the only rules that can be / are followed." I said.

"You mean to tell me, that the people of the land of Internet don't even follow there own rules?" Celestia said.
"First of all, the Internet isn't a kingdom, country, city , town or building. It's a location. Simple as that. Second, yes. It is absolute anarchy." I said.
"We must stop this Chaos at it's source." Celestia said .
"You cannot control the Internet. not without becoming a tyrant. Besides the many groups that live in the Internet filter them selves out. And that is where the human phrase 'organized chaos' comes from." I said in defense of the internet.
"I could do it with out being a tyrant." She said, as if issued a challenge.
"If you tried to instill even the slightest bit of order, you would viewed by the Internet's populace an a tyrannical overlord. Something that needs to be overthrown. and we humans are ingenuitive, violent, cunning, and above all else, resilient. And if we don't see 'eye to eye' out the gate, you'd better find some common ground fast, or it's gonna be bloody." I said. Everyone was silent for a moment. Looks of shock and fear plastered over there faces.

"Why? Why would they kill somepony over a small disagreement?" Celestia said, appalled at human's violent nature.
"Probably because the entire universe is out to get us, and we can do jack shit about it." I said nonchalantly.
"That's horrible!" Twilight said, mortified.
"That's true nature, not that pansy bullshit where you decide when it rains and where and animals don't have to kill each other to survive or even need any meat in there diets." I replied getting angry at their pity, humans have survived for nearly a million years without the ability to deliberately manipulate weather the best we will ever do is kill the bigger storms. I look at every one in the room. "sorry, about that. I have anger management problems. And the fact that my kind can deal with having little, next to no control over the world around us while I'm surrounded by ponies that absolutely cannot live without such control doesn't help that fact. I need to lie down." I said. I promptly left the room having almost lost it. I laid down on the floor hoping that incident will not repeat next time. I went to sleep... for twelve seconds before Princess Luna came down. this was gonna be fun. (Yeah right.)

"What do you want?" I said looking and sounding depressed.
"We Just wish to talk." Luna replied. This was gonna take a while.

Author's Note

Feel free to give me advice / direction, I won't kill you for it... I'm gonna do that anyway.
also; here, have some Cornholio:

Once more, with feeling.

I looked at her. I blinked. She was still standing at the top of the stairs. "I would rather not." I said.
"Why?" She asked.
"Because, Lets face it; This conversation will only end up just like the one I had with your sister. Trust me, neither of us want to have that talk." I said.
"I doubt it." She said. " I think you're hiding something, and I want to know what."
She narrowed her eyes as she said this, but I didn't flinch. she couldn't read my mind... Could she? Whatever the risk, I wasn't willing to take it. It was time to do the one thing I hoped to never, ever, EVER do in my lifetime or any afterwards: Kiss up to authority. "Well, I honestly have nothing to hide, And even if I did, Surely you, with the power over dreams and thoughts, would know of it, oh beautiful mistress of the night." I almost gagged at that last part, but managed to keep a straight face. Also, Luna's expression turned into one of surprise, and she blushed ever so slightly. I swear to any god that will listen, if she falls in love with me, I'm going to hang myself. I would rather chop my nuts off than become another Fanfiction stereotype. I mean, I might be a tro- er, an antagonist, but I'm not willing to give up my self-respect just for a plan that might not even work.
"Well, as true as that may be, I'm still not completely cleared of my suspicions of you. I'll be watching you."
I managed a strained smile, and said "I'm sure you will." and closed the basement door.
The next day came, and I was PISSED. Apparently, Twilight wanted to conduct some experiments on me, and I really wanted to tell her to get bent, but I had to do them with a smile, as strained as it was.
"This won't hurt a bit!" she said cheerfully, hooking me up to some... thing, like a big box of gears and Tesla coils. whatever it was, I doubted it was safe.
"what exactly have you hooked me up to?" I asked.
"Oh, just something to test your Metarealistic powers. Nothing big."
"Meta what now?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
"She's testing to see if you got the same abilities as Pinkie Pie." Said a rather bored Applejack.
"Why would I have anything in common with that pink, bouncing... whatever it is!?" I asked angrily.
Twilight looked at the ground, shuffling her forehooves. "you kinda did randomly appear in a forest, spawn weaponry, and mention an 'internet', kinda like Pinkie. I only assumed was all." She said timidly.
I sighed. I guessed a few shocks wouldn't hurt. Oh, how wrong I was.
"I regret agreeing to this!" I screamed as I was hit with near-lethal amounts of electricity. for about five minutes, I sat convulsing and spasming. After the most painful experience of my life, I glared at Twilight. "WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, SOME KIND OF ELEMENTAL?" I shouted.
"Sorry." Twilight said sarcastically as a paper came out of the machine I was wired to. Twilight grabbed the paper while Applejack unhooked me from the electric chair.
"No more experiments." I said angrily.
"Weird, you came up both positive and negative." Twilight said.
"Let me see." I said as I snatched the paper from her telekinetic grasp. Needless to say, I lol'd; for upon the paper I now held was a giant troll face.
"What's so funny?" Twilight asked.
"The paper has trolled you." I said as showed them the paper. This time they saw the face in the data.
"It's just a face." Apple jack said.
I laughed even harder. They didn't know of the troll face, this is rich.
"Nevermind," I said. "Are there anymore tests today? Or are you not bringing out the anal probe?"
"No, I think I've got what I want." she said.
"Good..." I sighed. Maybe the rest of the day wasn't going to be a fiasco. Unless an invasion happened. that would be bad. But there was no way an invasion was going to happen today. Absolutely not. No way in hell.
...
("I'M WAITING!")

New look.

After I finished my toast, I felt the ninja suit getting itchy. I went downstairs to the basement to conjure new gear. I arrived in the basement and set to work on conjuring my new armor much as I had my current gear. The shadows of the room took shape and form and finally faded back to the corners of the room, revealing my dark armor (with black wool lining). Twilight came down just in time to witness me molt from the ninja suit to my new armor. "Um... Do you need help?" She asked me, seeing me fail at putting on my armor.
"Yes!" I cried. She charged a spell and shot me with it. After the smoke cleared and my armor fit on perfectly. I felt my face and to my relief it was just as I remembered it. "Thank god. You didn't screw me over and turn me into a pony." I said.
"What? Why's that a problem?" She said.
"It's a human thing." I replied.
"I just don't understand you 'humans' and your dysfunctional and chaotic ways." She said with a shake of her head.
"And you never will with that attitude." I said. I pulled out my book and began to read.
"Can you at least read that to me?" Twilight asked. I closed the book.
"No." I answered.
"Okay." She said and left. I opened the book again and began to read in silence, still as a statue. A black, gold laced, statue. I tried a basic active camouflage spell.
"Chamaeleo spectralis" I whispered Imagining myself being invisible. The shadows swarmed around me, It felt like thousands of ants crawling along my skin. When I could see again, I was transparent and ghostly. I got up and the armor's noise was muffled to the point of near silence. This was going to be fun. I made my way over to Rarity's place. When I arrived, I had so much mud on my boots I was tracking it about her house as I walked around, intentionally past her at one point. her reaction to the muddy boot-prints was worth any punishment if she found out. After watching her have an episode, I moved on to a new target. I arrived at Applejack's farm. When she turned her back to the bucket of apples she had picked, I hid it in the barn. I repeated this process for hours until she opened the barn door. on top of a giant pile of apples was me. "You mad?" I said as I bit into and apple. She was speechless
"Bu-Hu-Wu... How did you do that?" She stuttered.
"Active camouflage." I responded throwing away an apple core.
"Actor wut now?" she asked.
"Active camouflage. In layman's terms, a spell for chameleon."
"Ah." She replied in understanding.
"Well, I gotta run. Too many people to prank too little time." I said as I walked over to the door. "Chamaeleo spectralis" I said, the spell doing its job as I walked past Applejack. I walked back to the basement to research more of powers. Continuing my reading I saw an astral projection spell. Cloaking myself, I made my way to Rainbow Dash's house. When I arrived, I saw her arrive as well. "Spectralis visialus" I said imagining Slenderman only visible to Rainbow Dash standing in the window, the experience of being out of body was weird to say the least. I looked at Rainbow and dropped the spell as soon as she looked at me. I laughed. This was going to be my 'running joke' with her. Having done my business, I moved on to my next target. I stood before the quiet cottage. I looked in the book again, and found the spell for silent thunder. "Mutus exsurdo" I whispered subsequently using both hands as if to push an invisible wall. An ethereal blue sphere shot outward from the metaphorical wall and collided with Fluttershy's rear end. While she didn't feel or hear the impact, she heard the deafening clap of thunder that no one else could. She nearly jumped out of her skin and ran for her house to cower while I laughed. On my way back to the library I swapped pinkie's Sugar for sour crystals. Her face when the customers of Sugarcube Corner's faces imploded Suddenly was as priceless as Rarity's earlier. I returned to the library basement and began Reading. The other girls thought (except Applejack) it was a ghost doing the damage. Oh how wrong they were. The girls Who didn't know of my pranks showed up shortly after I returned. I and twilight greeted them casually the latter having no idea of the events prior. "'Sup" I said as I opened the door. The girls were impressed by my armor. Rarity was so impressed by my new armor that she feinted on a couch she pulled from seemingly nowhere. "Cool armor, Fjord." Rainbow said.
"Thank you. It's ebony." I said. Suddenly Rarity perked up.
"That's perfect! I could make an entire fashion line from it!" She said excitedly Pulling a note book from nowhere. She began to sketch. "So, what's up girls?" Twilight asked.
"Rarity saw ghostly mud footprints, somehow all the sugar at Sugarcube Corner was replaced with sour crystals, Flutters herd ghost thunder, And something was in Rainbow Dash's window." Pinkie said.
"And you think I would know?" Twilight asked.
"I think I know what was in the window." I said Forcing myself to pale.
"What? What is it?" Rainbow asked.
"It goes by many names but the most resent and well known Is... Slenderman."
"Oh, please. I could kick his butt." She said.
"No, you can't. It is without pain. It is without remorse. It is without death. It cannot be stopped." I said.
"Pfft. Big deal. Even if I can't beat him, I can out run him." She retorted.
"It can outrun a Kenyan. What hope do you have?"
"A what?" She asked.
"Never mind." I said.
"Okay. But he can't reach me in the clouds." She retorted.
"Yes it can." I replied. "But if you avoid fog and forests you prolong your time." I said to give her hope.
"Awesome!" She said.
"As for the rest of the incidents, I have no clue." I said. Rarity came up to me.
"May I ask what your opinion on something?" She asked.
"Depends." I said.
"What do you think I should call this new fashion line, since your armor inspired it?"
"Let me see the concept art." I asked and she handed me the sketches. I looked at them. "Ebonheart." I said.
"Ah such an exotic and yet fitting name." She said.
I saw it was getting late "Well, it's late. I'm going to bed." I said and went down to the basement to sleep.

Author's Note

The armor is ebony from oblivion.

A week later.

A week later.

The morning started like every other since I got here. Wake, breakfast, then leave for some unknown reason. Honestly, I can't understand why they don't wonder where I go every day. Well, the answer to that is simple: I go around and terrorize small villages with my book. Except now I can't today, because Twilight wants me to be more "social". Problem is, I don't want to socialize with these vile creatures, I just want to hurry up and get to the part where I betray them. Alas, I'll never have an opportunity to do so if Twilight keeps pestering me about making friends, or some other dumb social norm. Therefor, I suppose it is in my best interest to just learn about this dumb town and it's inhabitants. Who knows, I maybe able to use this to my advantage. So now, I am on my way to town hall to be properly introduced to these saps. Celestia was going to announce my existence to the world here (discussing no details, of course). So I stopped by rarity's to pick up a suit. The patterns on my suit looked just like the ones on my armor. As I and the girls arrived behind stage, I dropped my *AC (I was invisible whenever in public).
"I see you have mastered an strange form of invisibility, Fjord." Celestia said.
"It's Active Camouflage. It makes me transparent. But to the attentive eye, a distortion can be seen." I said.
"I see. You look nice by the way." She replied.
"Thanks." I said.
"So are you ready to be introduced?" Celestia asked.
"As ready as I'll ever be. Fair warning, the town crazy's probably gonna jump up on stage and make a fool of herself." I said
"I doubt that." Celestia said.
"You wanna bet?" I asked.
"Two million bits says you are wrong, Fjord." She said.
"My soul says otherwise." I wagered.
"Deal." She said. I was going to walk away a rich man. Celestia walked through the curtains and began the ceremony while I cast a scrying spell I found earlier.
"Visialus tempus" I said as visions formed. In the visions I saw Lyra making a fool of herself. blinking away the visions, I heard Celestia's speech.
"Now please welcome, Fjord the human." Celestia said (she only said human to prevent unease). The curtains parted and I stepped forward in my southern casuals and looked out over the crowd.
"Greetings, I am Fjord the human." I said.

"I KNEW IT!" Lyra shouted. She teleported on stage. "I KNEW HE WAS REAL! YOU ALL LAUGHED AT ME AND CALLED ME CRAZY! YOU ALL SAID 'THEIR'S NO SUCH THING AS A HAIRLESS MONKEY IN TWILIGHT'S LIBRARY!', BUT I WAS RIGHT! NOW WHO'S LAUGHING?" She ranted.
"All of society for one." I said.
"Bu-but." she began.
"No 'buts', being right does not give you a reason to humiliate yourself." I said.
"Okay." she said and teleported off stage, head hung low.
"Now, distractions aside, I am Fjord the human." I said. "If you expected a grandiose introduction, I'm afraid you will be disappointed. But I will speak a little about myself; In my youth I have trained in many forms of martial arts, as my family has always served in the army. Take heed and know my home is not blessed with the peace your lands have. thankfully my training is not restricted to mundane or violent practices, I do have some manner of practical magical knowledge. I'm afraid that's all there is to me, I never really was a social man." I said concluding my saddening lies. I walked off stage and cast my AC spell. The paparazzi was going to be on my ass like white on rice tomorrow, and it was going to long day. A very long day.

Author's Note

*Active Camouflage.

(Halloween special): Behold a pale horse.

Ah, Halloween, my favorite holiday. Except they call it "Nightmare Night". Whatever, I just do it for one reason: Scaring the crap out of small, unsuspecting children. First, I would do that, Then I would go to a party Celestia was hosting. I did get an invite, after all. Be a shame to waste it.
First up: Candy snatching. Tonight's costume: a tie between Barack Obama and a Necromorph. I finally decided on the Necromorph, using my spell book to turn into a grotesque slasher, then setting out to terrify children and take their candy.
Hiding in a bush near the fountain, I sighted my first targets: The prissy rich one, Diamond Tiara, and her spineless friend who's name I forget. Easy targets, if I do say so myself. Quickly turning into Obama, I leaped out as they passed.
"ObamaCare!!!" I shouted at them, causing them to run in terror, leaving their candy behind as they fled. As I changed back into a necromorph, I laughed as the two brats ran all the way home, bawling their eyes out the whole time.
Little did I realize, Twilight was right behind me, giving me the most disappointed look I had ever seen.
"I suppose you spend every Nightmare Night dressed like a murderer just to scare fillies and colts out of their candy?" Said Twilight disapprovingly.
"No!" I said in a hurt voice. "I also do it because it's funny."
Twilight Facehooved, then glared at me.
"You cant go around doing that just because you think it's fun! It's wrong!" Said Twilight.
"Great story, Tell it to someone who gives a shit." I said flatly. "Now go away, Those three brats have some serious loot that I want!"
Twilight sighed, then said: "When you get in trouble, don't expect any help from me." Then she walked off.
"Like I'd need it!" I shouted back.
Then, the three fillies, one of which I recognized as Applebloom, finally got in range, And , Still looking like a necromorph, I pounced.
"Give me your flesh!!!" I roared in a demonic voice, hoping to scare them, Unfortunately, I was wrong. They banded together, then said "Cutie Mark Crusaders Zombie Slayers!" and tried to kill me.
I easily fought the twerps off, but they managed to get a few hits in before running away, WITH their loot.
Yeah, I was pissed, but more rugrats were coming, so I forgot about them and my now- fractured leg, and continued to terrify the children, of which there were many more. Unfortunately, No one told me Luna was participating, and I mistook her for another Trick-or-Treater. Then, when I jumped, she yelped, kicked me in the gut, and tried several times to vaporize me before I could escape. I barely made it out with my life and decided then and there to stop.
After that little fiasco, I headed toward the party.
When I arrived, I saw Luna in hysterics, telling her sister about being attacked by a blade-wielding zombie. Realizing I was still a necromorph, I quickly changed into my Obama costume and entered.
As I partied, however, Celestia stopped me.
"Fjord, would you explain to me why my sister is sobbing and crying about being 'mugged by a blade- armed, sharp-toothed, undead ruffian' earlier this night?"
I put on my best poker face and told her I had no idea what she was talking about, and she left me alone afterward, but the look she gave me screamed "I don't believe you".
I walked on, then Rainbow Dash noticed me.
"Pfft, nice outfit. what are you, a well-dressed turd?" she asked arrogantly.
"I'm Barrack Obama, one of the worst presidents ever. What are you supposed to be, a racist bitch?"
Rainbow dash blushed vividly, then retorted: "Why would you dress as someone you don't even like, Huh?"
"Because it's scary. Ever heard of ObamaCare? Pray you never do." I said.
"Pfft, whatever, you're not scary." Said Rainbow Dash as she turned away.
One thing you should know about me, it's that I hate people who turn away when they're losing. Therefor, I decided to get her back. After the party ended, I turned into slenderman, then followed Rainbow Dash home.
While following her, she happened to check behind her a few times, and saw me once. Then, she quickened her pace. She was terrified, and I loved it. When she reached home, she slammed the door, locked it, then closed the blinds. All but one, that is. As she went to close it, I was already standing there. Then, as she stared in horror, I slowly reached for the window, then she blinked and I teleported to the side of the house.
Oh, this was going to be a fun morning.

First floor: prismatic chickens, 1337 speak, and Spahs.

I woke up in the morning as per usual. I walked over to the massive pile of candy I looted last night. I knew twilight would try and take it so I hid it in the one place she could never find it... under my drawers! I picked out some pony knockoffs of my favorite treats and dug in. Twilight came down.
"Fjord? Why is Rainbow Dash babbling about Slenderman being at her house last night?" Twilight asked accusingly.
"I don't know, why do you think it was me?" I retorted.
"Well I just have a feeling." Twilight countered.
"Well you're wrong on account of I can't fly, levitate, or hover." I said. At that moment, RD came down.
"Fjord! You gotta help me! Slenderman was at my house last night! He almost got me!" Babbled RD.
"Nothing can be done to save you. You're only hope is if Chuck Norris were to suddenly show up and roundhouse kick Slenderman." I lied.
"Where's this Chuck guy? I'll bet he'll help me!" RD said.
"You're suicidal If you think that will work. He'll probably roundhouse kick you with so much heat and pressure, that you will become solid Chuck Norris." I said.
"Wait, what?" Twilight asked.
"Just an internet joke." I replied.
"WHAT!?!" RD yelled
"Could you tone it down? I actually like my hearing." I said as I cleared out my ears.
"WHY DON'T YOU ACTUALLY HELP ME, YOU BUTT!!!" Screamed RD.
"Because I like living another day, bitch." I countered.
"What ever. You're just a chicken." RD said.
"You can't kill slenderman." I Stated. "Countless have always thought they would be the first to survive the thing... None have."
"So that means..." Twilight began, tears welling up in her eyes.
"Nah, you still got her for eight to ten years. Up to fifty if you're lucky." I replied.
"Ha! I'm safe!" RD said.
"Not really. Slendy likes to toy with his victims dreams." I said.
"What?" RD asked.
"You heard me." I replied.
"While we're on the subject of slenderman, Do you mind listing out his abilities, Fjord?" Twilight asked.
"He teleports, but not while in a direct line of sight. Blinking counts as breaking the line of sight. He can sprout long tendrils of darkness from his back. Despite having no eyes, ears, or nose, he can still see and hear you, and smell your fear. He can adjust his height. He can make you nauseous by being looked at. Any one who has seen him tends to become panphobic, feel as if they are being watched, and/or become paranoid." I said.
"Thank you, Fjord. With this list I can develop Counter measures against slenderman." Twilight said.
"They won't work." I said.
"Why not?" Twilight asked
"Mages have tried those same counters. Guess What Happened to them." I said. Twilight gulped then said:
"They failed?"
"Bingo." I said.
"So I can't have some kind of Slenderguy-" Rainbow began.
"Man" I interrupted.
"Repellent?" RD finished.
"Well you could wipe your memory of all things related to him. But you can't restore the memory the same way as you wiped it." I said.
"Than I'll work on that." Twilight said as she left the basement.
("Oh, shit.") "Good." I said.
"Well see ya Fjord." RD said as she too left. Soon enough I was the only one in the room.
"Well fuck." I said. "Might as well read." I said as I brought out my book. I picked up where I had left off, on a page about mark-and-recall spells. I found that marking saturates the area bellow me with my aura, but only one location can be marked at a time. Good to know. Turning the page I found detect life. "animus visialus." I saw a pink fog in the shape of every living thing in the building within a thirty foot radius. nothing outside though. "Well paint me black and call me a wraith." I said as I saw Spike belched up a letter. Twilight's life force extend over the letter. Twilight 's life force extention brought the letter over to her and unrolled it. The life forces faded as I dropped the spell. Putting my book in my pocket I put my armor on and headed upstairs.

"Soup noobs. What's with the letter?" I asked. Twilight was suprised by my knowledge of what had transpired without me.
"How did you know about the letter?" Twilight asked.
"Detect life spell. I saw Spike belch it up. and your magic take it." I said.
"How can you see magic with a spell that detects life?" Twi asked.
"Telekinesis extends your life force over the object in question." I answered
"Fascinating!" Said Twilight.
"Not really." I replied.
"I'm not even going to ask why. You'll probably give me a stupid answer." Twilight said.
"Ding ding ding, we have a winner." I said sarcastically.
"Well the letter just says the changelings might attack again." Twilight informed me.
"The noobs think they can win round two?" I replied.
"What is a noob? you've used that word twice now." Twilight said.
"A noob is an idiot who can't do anything right. Just for the record, noob isn't a real word, so it's meaning changes with context." I said.
"So you weren't insulting me and Spike when you called us noobs?" Twi asked.
"Nope." I said.
"Okay." Said twi.
"I'm gonna go do my own thing, later noobs."
"Later." Spike said. I engaged my AC and left to terrorize small villages as per usual. I returned later at sundown to hit the hay after terrorizing small villages.

<><><><><>

Meanwhile in the changeling hive, a drone reported back to Queen Chrysalis. "So, now he believes us to be fools and defects? We will show him. Find out where he keeps his book and take it. If we are to succeed, We will need it." Chrysalis said. "Yes, Ma'am." The drone replied and then left to carry out his orders. Unbeknownst to Fjord, their words would not go without action. All they needed was his book. If all went well, they would have Equestria In their grasp. Unfortunately, They didn't count on Fjord's heritage of alcoholism and guerrilla warfare. "Soon." Chrysalis said to herself.

Second floor: thieves, rickrolls, and rampages.

The changeling drone entered twilight's library as a fly. flying it's way into the basement, it simply sought one item... Fjord's book. as he entered the basement, a strange noise: snoring. as the drone looked around, he saw the source: A strange creature, resting on a bedroll, and clutching a black, evil-looking book in his hands. Seeing his target so well-guarded, The drone changed back to its original form, and slowly crept up to the odd creature, taking great care not to disturb it, then tried to tug at the book with his magic. The creature growled sharply, causing the changeling to jump behind a piece of machinery. Then, the strange creature turned over, clutching the book tighter and mumbling sleepily. Sensing no danger, the drone crept back up to the creature, which reeked of booze and evil magic. Ignoring this, he slowly prodded the creature, causing it to turn back over, then the changeling slowly pulled the book from the creature's grasp, and crept out, sneaking through the dark library, then flying off once outside. They now had the book, and the limitless power that came with it!

The next morning, Twilight awoke to the angriest, loudest, most bestial roar she'd ever heard.

"WHERE IS IT!?!?!?!?!? WHERE IS MY BOOK!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?" I Roared.

"Oh, no..." muttered Twilight, covering her head with her pillow. As she said that, I stomped up the stairs, then proceeded to flip bookshelves and tables over in a fiery fit of rage, causing Twilight to run down the stairs to try and stop me.

"What are you doing?!" Twilight cried, mourning for her now-trashed library.

"I'm breaking shit! And until my book turns up, I'll keep breakin' shit!" I then kicked the door out, and walked into the Ponyville streets, eager to bash some skulls.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Equestria

Chrysalis looked at the now-open book before her as she tried to learn it's secrets, but to no avail.

"Gah, Why won't this work!? Books are supposed to grant knowledge to those that read them, so why am I not learning anything!?" Chrysalis demanded, causing the changelings with her to flinch.

"Uh, maybe... it requires an incantation, you're majesty..." One drone said, still trembling.

"Quiet, drone, I'm... Wait, that's genius! How did I not think of that sooner?" Chrysalis exclaimed, and the drones relaxed, but were still scared shitless. This was an eldrich tome of boundless knowledge and evil, and incantations were about to be spouted at it. If this ended up being like the Neighcronomicon ex Mortis, they were bolting. Preparing herself, Chrysalis cleared her throat, then pressed the book to her head, and spoke:
"Tell me your secrets, book." She said, and when that failed, she started saying things in other languages, but to no avail. Finally, she gave up.

"Aargh, this is pointless! I hate this book!!!" She cried, throwing the book at a wall. Suddenly, as the book hit the floor, it opened and began playing the most horrible, evil, generally annoying song she'd ever heard.

"Shut it off! Shut it off!" Cried one drone, who was holding his head.

"I'm trying! It's just getting louder!" Another cried, who was prodding the book with his foreleg.

"Just close the damned thing!" Chrysalis demanded, crying tears of pain. Finally, the drone closed the book, and the horrible song stopped. The drones in the room simply laid in the fetal position, some in tears.

"That was horrible..." whimpered one drone.

"I-I think I'm going to have nightmares..." Whimpered another. Chrysalis simply sat there, horrified.

"Alright, no more tests. Agreed?" She asked her drones.

"Agreed." They all replied hastily.

Meanwhile, the currently-under attack town of Ponyville

"Fjord, calm down! I'm sure it's just lost!" Cried Twilight as she dodged another carriage.

"Niid! Zu'u rahgot, Zu krii da!!!" I cried in an ancient, powerful tongue as I chucked bits of village everywhere. However I soon stopped, as if struck by something. Indeed, I heard something: The distress signal of My book.

"My book's in trouble!!! Hold on, baby, I'm on my comin'!!!!" I cried, speeding like a bullet toward the sounds direction, intent on destroying whatever caused it to sound off. Nobody causes My book to sound off. They'd get much more than a rickrollin'.

"Fjord, wait!" Cried Twilight, intent on following me.

Later at the hive

Chrysalis paced back and fourth, still trying to figure out how to make the book work. As far as she knew, the only thing it did was rape ones hearing when they tossed it at a wall. She looked back at the book as it hovered menacingly over a pedestal in the center of the otherwise empty room then said:
"What secrets do you hide, book?" Her pondering was cut short by a drone bursting in.
"You're Majesty! The creature is coming! It has already breached the lower levels!" The panicked drone said.
"What? How did he not attract my attention?" Chrysalis Asked.
"I don't know, but the guards cannot stop it!" The drone replied. Chrysalis then got an idea.
"Bring him up here." Chrysalis said.
"What? With all due respect, You're Majesty, you must be crazy to consider letting this thing come to you!" The drone said.
"Do not worry. I have a plan." Chrysalis said.
"At once, You're Majesty. But I still think this is crazy." The drone said, leaving to carry out the seemingly suicidal task.
"It might be, but if it all goes right, we will have nothing to fear." Chrysalis said. If this all fell right into place, She'd have the secrets of the book and their master. Both forces would easily crush Canterlot's defenses from within without. She grinned as the battle played out in her head. She would not lose this time. Not again...

Feet first into hell...

Blackness. That was all I could see. In all directions, nothing but darkness. Suddenly there was a flash of light and I was awake. I looked around, I was in the darkest part of a forest.
"I've seen enough fan fics to know where this is going." I said as my blood boiled and steamed. I knew I was in Equestria.
"Oh what I would give for an SMG (halo two/three) and a bottomless clip right now." I mumbled. It was then I noticed the shadows coalescing into...
"Madre de Dios." I said as the shadows parted to revel two familiar objects... An SMG and an ammo clip!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAH!"

I yelled as I picked up the gun.

"Look out ponies! there's me on the loose!" I shouted to the heavens. It was time to make like a devil and raise some hell. I was so eager to get to the blood-sport that I ran in a random direction, oblivious to the pair of eyes watching me... And a lack of clothes.

Meanwhile, Twilight Sparkle had just finished her latest project: a magical compass that could detect and point out high levels of magical energy. As soon as she finished her compass, it spun to point towards Canterlot palace as predicted. Twilight wrote to her mentor, Princess Celestia, of this major breakthrough in magical tracking. As soon as she finished writing she gave the letter to her assistant, Spike, as well as all her notes and procedures, he lit the scroll on fire with his breath and sent it on it's way. Then they left to go hang out with their friends. When they closed the door, the compass suddenly started tracking a new source of magic... Fjord. Soon they arrived at a restaurant and met with their friends. The group chatted for a while before Spike belched up a letter from Princess Celestia.
"OOH A LETTER" Pinkie Pie said in her overly enthusiastic tone.
"what's it say?" Rainbow Dash asked excitedly. Twilight began to read.

"My faithful student, it is with great concern that I inform you of a strange occurrence I have felt in the Everfree forest. There is something withing the forest that has made it's presence felt. I do not believe it to be a significant threat to Equestria yet. If your compass works correctly, than you should be able to track it and take action to prevent it from becoming a threat. Sincerely, Princess Celestia." The girls had varied looks about them. Rarity was shocked, Pinkie was exited, Applejack and Rainbow Dash had a determined look about them, and Fluttershy was scared. Twilight knew that if the being in the forest was powerful as she thought it was, this would not be an easy victory. she lead the girls to the library and grabbed the compass.

I shivered with a slight breeze as I realized that i had nothing in the manner of clothing. I cursed whatever gods brought me here and DIDN'T give me clothes. Muttering dark things under my breath I willed the shadows to form a sleek, black ninja suit and a three-bladed glave, a katana, a wakizashi, and two tantos with black lacquer sheaths and black silk lace hilts. put on my suit and weapons. I had my katana strapped on my back just below my shoulders, my wakizashi was strapped on my belt area behind me slightly. My tantos were strapped in the small of my back, my glave was strapped on my back between my katana and my tantos. My SMG was holstered on my hip. i was a walking ninja arsenal. bred for combat, built for war.
"COME AT ME, EVERFREE! I'M RIGHT HERE!" I shouted, challenging anything that was nearby. I heard a twig snap behind me, as I turned to meet my foe i found myself starring down a manticore.

"ffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu~ck!"
I yelled as I ran like a bat out of hell. I nimbly dodged tree branches and roots while the beast behind me just plowed right through them. After half a day of running (starting at noon), I power slid into a small crack in the cliff-face in front of me. The cave not going too much deeper, I looked around my new abode. I found enough wood in cave to start a fire for the night.
"Wait, why is there wood in a cave?" I wondered out loud. The manticore was still outside, growling at me.
"Ah, shaddap." I told the beast. Why it was still here, I had no clue.

Author's Note

Give me ideas. If you don't know what those weapons are, google them.

I need that book.

"I'm going upstairs, let me know if there's a crisis." I said starting up the stairs.
"Okay." twilight and Applejack said in unison. I reached the top of the stairs and opened the door. As I opened the door I saw a certain teal unicorn who I had on good authority to have an obsession with hands. She stared at me wide eyed, a smile on her face. I blinked forward and griped her muzzle firmly.
"You saw NOTHING. Do you understand?" I whispered. She nodded in response. "Good." I released her muzzle and through down a smokescreen. While she was blinded I blinked up into the rafters Where I hid from Twilight two nights ago. I patiently waited for her to leave. After half a minute of her looking around for any signs of me she gave up and left. "I should really be more careful." I said to myself. I dropped down from the rafters and walked to the kitchen to grab a snack. I looked in the fridge, more fruits and veggies. "Ooh, bread!" I said as I grabbed the loaf. I through two slices in the toaster. After thirty second or so, pinkie popped out of the toaster along with my toast.
"HIYA FJORD!" She said.
"Gah!" I screamed as I jumped back. Twilight and Applejack ran up.
"What's going on?" Twilight asked looking at the unbuttered toast that somehow landed on a plate.
"Just Pinkie popping out of your toaster like a bad screamer." I said slightly calming down. In all honesty, I probably looked as if I was having a heart attack.
"WELL OF COURSE! HOW ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO FIND YOU?" She said.
"Did it ever occur to you to use the door?" I retorted.

"Well, if this is going swell I'll be trying out some new spells." Twilight said.
"You got a new book?" I asked.
"Yes. The only problem is I need to find a spell to translate it." She replied.
"Let me see it." I said.
"Sure. Follow me." She said. I followed her out into the main lobby. She pulled out a black book with burnt orange, triangular Symbols that looked as if they were made of dying fire on the cover. I recognized the language as covenant. (I'm a giant nerd.) Oddly enough the words were only transliterated. The book was titled The 'Neferoxium xivivilai'. How the hell I could understand the runes on the book was beyond me.
"That would be mine." I said as I snatched the book out of Twilight's grasp. This was obviously the book my brother left me. "This is book is an 'infernalis magius codexus', a demon's spell book." The girls gasped. I sighed "It's only called that because a demon can only be bound to a book. The demon must first be defeated to accept the binding ritual. Once the ritual is complete, the demon's power in imbued into book, and they are part of it. The only other way to create one is to have a demon or purgatorian make one for you. the former is the easier but far more hazardous, as demons tend to hold grudges and do not take kindly to being beaten within an inch of there life and turned into books." I explained. The girls seemed to calm down a little.
"So what's the title of this book?" Twilight asked.
"Neferoxium xivivilai. A shadow magic spell book from the looks of it." I said.
"So, does this book contains a demon?" She asked.
"No. Demons can escape the confines of the book after one million years." I said.
"So just an empty book?" She asked.
"No, the power is still present. It was just waiting for someone with the skill to use it to come along, like me." I said as the book's title started to change to a brighter shade of orange.
"So that's why the title's glowing?" She said.
"Something like that." I said.

"So can I try a few spells?" Twilight asked.
"No." I said.
"Bu-But why?" Twilight asked disheartened.
"One, the book is mine. Two, you are too pure of heart for this kind of magic." I lied.

"Okay. But can you explain what it was doing in my mail?" She said.
"I don't know." I said. As I left the room and buttered and ate my toast.

<><><><><><><><><>

Meanwhile: A pony-like insect flew though a hive of it's own kind. The spy had observed the interactions between Fjord and the three ponies and had something to report to Queen Chrysalis. As the drone named Doppelganger approached the hive's throne room. He felt his excitement bubble up. This information could easily get him promoted. Finally he Burst through the throne room doors. His queen was speaking to her generals as the drone burst through the door. "Queen Crysalis, I bring information that will please you." Doppelganger said.
"Well then, out with it!" She said having an important meeting at the moment.
"In the town of Ponyville there is a strange bipedal creature, in this creature's possession is a powerful book called the 'Neferoxium xivivilai'. The book contains powerful spells that can only be used by those with vengeance in there hearts. If you were to have this book, You could become far more powerful than even Celestia herself. But the creature will not part with it easily." The drone said.
"This is pleasing. I will have to promote you to Major." Chrysalis said. The drone was surprised, he had been expecting a promotion, but not one this big. Doppelganger Quickly recovered from his stunning and thanked the Queen before leaving.
"Well, this information gives us the break we were looking for, if we can obtain the book we could easily conquer Equestria." one of the generals said. The others agreed.
"Then it's settled. We need that book."