Open This Immediately!

by Kenneth Invictus

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Pinkie Pie
Length: 9543

The Multiversal Church of Pinkamena Triumphant, in it's normal workday, sends out plenty of letters. We have for you a copy of some of those letters.

Every day, tons of letters get sent out from tons of businesses. We here at the Multiversal Church of Pinkamena Triumphant must do likewise. However, we have saved copies of them for your reading, so that you may know what to do if we send you a letter.

And hey, if you'd like to mail us back, we're always happy to reply, to help you understand Her Will.

Published 2013-08-06 02:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-12 03:44:57 UTC

Open This Immediatly!

To:
John Doe
555 5th Street
Parts Unknown, TX, USA, Universe 616

From:
Selection Committee, c/o Sergeant Candy Sprinkles
4th Wall Street
Ponyville, Equestria, Universe 42

To Whom It May Concern:

Greetings and Salutations, reader. We here at the Multiversal Church of Pinkamena Triumphant (known in an unofficial sense as the Cult of Pinkamena) have sent this letter to you. If you are the intended recipient above, congratulations! You have, by Her Random Drawing, been selected to participate in the Red Cupcake Ceremony!

Wait, how did you get this address? And my name?

The Phone Book, silly.

But I never signed up for any drawing!

That's okay. Anyone in any universe considered of legal age (for this, we use any age your nation declares you to be an adult at) is automatically entered into the drawing. No purchase necessary.

Fine, what is this "Cult of Pinkamena"?

That's a very good question.

The answer is simple. We a group with one goal in mind: The worship and fulfillment of the will of Pinkamena Diane Pie, She Who Bakes The Cupcakes, The Angel In Pink, The Prancing Chaos, The Bringer of the Party, The Neverending Enjoyment.

It is a symbiotic relationship. We fulfill Her Will, and She Blesses us in a multitude of ways. It is hard to describe in this letter, but if you mail us Form T-3, we will send you more information on Her.

Okay, so you said I was selected in a drawing?

Yes. Due to Her Will, she selected your name from among the infinite amount of names inside her Hat. The fact you were selected is a great honor, for you will now be a part of the Ceremony. Within three to four days (Our time, considering we are not sure what measurement of time you are using, if any.), one of our many Representatives will come for you personally. (Considering which, they should have ID on them identifying them as one of us. If they do not, they may be not be from us.)

Wait, you drew my name from a hat?

Not a hat, the Hat. A white baking chef hat, within which lies the names of all who may take part.

Anyways, so you said something about a Ceremony?

Why yes, the Red Cupcake Ceremony.

So, what is it?

Well, you will be escorted from your residence to one of our very secure (and very private) facilities. At this point, in front of many of our witnesses, you will have the privilege of being surgically torn apart by one of our top High Priests. You may even be fortunate enough to be worked on by Pinkamena Herself.

You will, of course, be awake for the entire procedure, with no medication for pain. We do this because

A) It heightens the experience to hear your screams and various noises of suffereing. It's kind of hard to enjoy the Ceremony if your drugged out of your mind on morphine. (If you do not have morphine on your universe, please substitute pain neutralizer here.)

B) It may interfere what how we use your remains, due to various chemical interactions, it may render them unfit, which violates one of the Promised Rules.
Do note, we will try to keep you alive for as long as possible, so that we may preform the best possible Ceremony that we can, that we may please Her to our utmost ability.

Wait, your going to do WHAT to me?!?

Well, we can't tell you exactly what, for we do not know which High Priest will be in charge, which will give us a gist of what will happen during the Ceremony. For example, one of our High Priestess prefers using musical instruments, allowing the music she creates from her violin to synchronize with the screams of the participants. Of course, not everyone uses this method. And with Her, she changes her methods every time, allowing us to witness Her Infinite Creativity while she allows us to witness.

As to what happens to you after, we here at the Cult of Pinkamena follow one of the Promised Rules: Use Everything You Can. Be Creative In How You Do So. So we will use your body for various things. Anything we think is edible will be turn into delicacies of the dessert variety. Many of us like to make cupcakes, based off of Her first Ceremony. Others, however, do like to make things up, such as flan, regular cake, brownies, and such. There was even a High Priest who could make sugar skulls, based off of his native Mexico.

However, others like to show of our fashion making talents. Things that extrude from the main body, such as wings, horns, ect., may be cut off and used as accessories for things such as necklaces, earrings, and what have you. Dresses have been made from past participants (If you would like examples, please fill out form 25-D so that we may subscribe you to our catalogue, currently displaying our Winter Wrap-Up line.)

Anything that may be used to help our members in time of need, such as livers, hearts, ect., may also be saved for emergency transplants. Remember, your contribution may be saving our lives!

Are you all CRAZY?!?!

We might have been at one time or another, but then She found us, for which we are forever grateful. However, I'm afraid that you can not be a Participant in the Red Cupcake Ceremony and an Initiate at the same time. Our apologizes.

This must be some mistake! I can't die like this!

If you believe this correspondence has reached you in error, please fill out form 19-B, attached with this letter, and please mail it back to us. We do try to ensure that Participants have actually had the benefit of being chosen by Her, and not the postal service of your local residence.

I'm not going. You can't force me into this

We can understand the trepidation you are probably feeling right now. Almost all Participants have their fears and worries. However, this does not excuse one from their duties. She has chosen you, and Her Will Be Done.

All Representatives are combat trained, both mentally and physically, and trained in all styles of fighting styles, such as Shotokan, Rex Kwan Do, and Insult Swordfighting. As such, they are more than able to insure your willingness to participate.

However, we do not like to use such measures, as they take time and treasure to enforce, and might damage you, which will require us to nurse you to full strength before we begin the Ceremony, which of course delays it. So would also like to use enticements to make it easier. For example, you may select some of we do with your remains if you willingly participate. Other benefits may be negotiated, such as family and friends present, or certain treats given to those of your choice. If you wish this, please fill out form B-16 and mail it back to us.

But what if I have more questions?

We here are always happy to answer any questions you may have. Please write them down, and mail it to us, or ask your incoming Representative.

We look forward to your arrival, and thank you for supporting the Multiversal Church of Pinkamena Triumphant

Her Will Be Done
New Order

P.S. For a donation of 30 bits, Equestrian, we will send you a copy of "The Life of Pinkamena", an autobiographic look at Her Who Bakes The Cupcakes, Her life, and her goals for the future. Form Q-13 displays the exchange rate

Author's Note

So...

I decided to do this just for a bit of fun, and on a whim. Sometimes, one could look at Cupcakes, and think "The Horror! The Horror!". Others, like me, take a look at this and think "How can I use this idea and further it?" And so, this was created!

If you think this should continue or be a one-shot, let me know in the comments. If you think I'm a bit disturbed in the head, feel free to let me know as well.

I would like to thank Arkalest for helping me out with this, Sgt. Sprinkles for writing Cupcakes, and Spacebattles for... bring Spacebattles. There is a Thread for this as well on there.

http://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/open-this-immediatly.266571/

Until Then

Kenneth Invictus

Form 19-B: Mistaken Selection

To:
Ms. Ida Netifi
250 Thatta Way
Los Angeles, CA, USA, Universe 404

From:
The Multiversal Church of Pinkamena Triumphant
4th Wall Street
Ponyville, Equestria, Universe 42

To Whom This May Concern:

Greetings and Salutations from the Cult of Pinkamena! We are sending this letter to you in response to your completion of Form 19-B, Mistaken Selection.

Oh thank (Insert Deity of Choice Here) You've got my letter?

Why yes, we have. Unlike the local message services, both of the electronic and material variety, we here employ our own Messengers, which are different from our Representatives.

Wait, how so?

Our Messengers will always be wearing a standardized cloak of muted pink, and have a satchel on one side of them with the Church's logo, and the Messanger's Logo printed on. This satchel will also be a muted pink. (Do note that if you can not see pink, or at all, you can always ask them. They will identify themselves truthfully to any proper recipient of our messages.)

On that note, if you think that someone is illegally wearing one of our outfits, and is not a Messenger, we stress that you please fill out form O-33, and mail it back to us immediately. We here at the Cult take a rather dim view of others who attempt to claim they are of us, but are not.

But what about the Representatives?

You'll know them when you see them.

So, about my letter...

Ah, Yes. The crux of the matter. While, as a general rule, we do send our mail to the correct location, every once in a while we will be mistaken. This can range from anything as simple as placing it in the wrong mail box (or similar device), to a mistake on the paperwork before drafting of the letter, to possibly even a mistake by Her. (Even Pinkamena has admitted error, as rare as it is. This does not decrease Her Will by any standards. In fact, it endears us more to Her, for She understands and forgives us for our transgressions.)

When we check for any error, we do the following things, in order.

A) Pinkamena Herself redraws from a different Hat, similar in nature, but different (It's blue in color, as opposed to white.) If the name is the same as was first drawn, this removes Her from the reason of the error.

B) We double check our known data against what was given to the Messenger, in case he/she/it/other made a mistake in the delivery of the message, or information was conveyed in a mistaken manner. (For example, Y'go$a sounds familiar to Y@go$a. Trust us, it is next to impossible to deal with eldritch names. And that's not even getting to names that have no sounds at all.)

C) We double check our known data against new information. It's possible that the person has changed various things between the time we've sent our message, and the time it actually gets there. You'd be surprised how many people will change their address, name, race, gender, nationality, species, universe of origin, material possessions, memories, or even their life/death/undeath/non-existence status. It takes us time to track them down, and sometimes we make mistakes.

D) Failing A, B, and C, we take a look at other, minor possibilities that could have been the cause.

If, after this, everything lines up, we go under the assumption that you have been chosen to participate in the Red Cupcake Ceremony. However, this does take time, from 6 hours at the earliest, to the possibility of a week (Dependent on how expedient the paperwork goes through, relative to how time works on your plane of existence)

In the mean time, we have recalled our Representative, so that he/she/it/other may not accidently discomfort you by gathering you prematurely. If you are found to be truly selected, the Representative will come for you within the next 24 hours. If you have not been chosen, you won't be bothered on this instance again.

So, what's the verdict?

We, The Office of Verification, of the Headquarters of the Multiversal Church of Pinkamena Triumphant, based on all information given, and blessed by Her, have come to the following conclusion:

You HAVE NOT been selected

We understand that you must be disappointed by this outcome, for it is a high honor to be a part of the Ceremony. However, we may only have those who are truly chosen by Her to participate (With some expectations, of course). We hope you understand, and are not saddened by this. You may be able to serve Her Will in other ways. If you are interested, please ask for the pamphlet "Her Will and You: Ways of Interaction"

Reason for Non-Selection: Mistaken Final Destination of Letter

When the letter was sent, it was suppose to be sent to the following address:
Ms. Ida Netifi
250 Thatta Way
Los Angeles, CA, USA, Universe 405

However, when the Messenger was hurtled through the multiverse by the Office of Travel, he/she/it/other was accidently sent to Universe 404, which was so similar in nature that it was easy to make the mistake and deliver our message to you, when it should have been given to a different instance of you.

We have chided the Officer who made this mistaken, and have docked him one day's Blessings (Which will be given to you instead, and is enclosed with this letter), as well as an 1 hour refresher course on Multiversal Targeting (Which is available in our catalog, if you are interested.)

Once again, we apologize for our error, and hope that you may not think less of us. We will not bother you again on this matter.

Her Will Be Done
Miss T. Aiken
Head Priest, The Office of Verification

P.S.
We should warn you that some of the contents in the Blessings, including the cupcake, have traces of peanuts in them. If you are allergic to peanuts, please send it back, along with form S-4, for a different Blessing.

Author's Note

Well, there is chapter 2! Take it as it is.

It might not be as humorous as the first one, but I feel it adds some extra information, a little worldbuilding (in a sense), and some enjoyment.

Now, chapter 3 might take a bit of time. But I've got some idea brewing, including some internal letters (known to others as "Memos), and some different ideas...

Thanks to Spacebattles for the pre-reading, especially Roots Lord.

Until Chapter 3
Kenneth Invictus (FimFiction) / The Unknown1 (Fanfiction) / Novus Ordo Mundi (Spacebattles)

Bill For Damages

To:
Pavlina Solovyoy
28 Aleutskaya St
Vladivostok, Russia, Universe 5342

From:
Billing Department
The Multiversal Church of Pinkamena Triumphant
4th Wall Street
Ponyville, Equestria, Universe 42

To whom it may concern:

Greetings, from the Cult of Pinkamena.

We regret to tell you that, due to the damaging actions caused by one Anatoni Solovyov , we are required to ask for that damage to be recompensed. Because we can no longer find Mr. Solovyov, we are charging you, his wife, as required by our Treasury department.

We are requesting that you pay us back to the amount of : 424,039 Equestrian Bits (Form Q-13 has the exchange rate for Russian rubles, along with other types of money)

Unless you contact us within the first 30 days, you will be considered overdue on your payment, and we will have no choice but to find other ways to collect on the delinquent bill.

As for the charges, this will be dealt with in two parts: The incident in which you are being charged for, and an itemized list of each reason the money is owed, along with said amount.

On August 10th, 2013 (Recipient's Time), we dispatched one of our Representatives to the location of Mr. Solovyov, 72 hours after the delivering of one of our letters to him. This is in accordance to our policies, and was in complete order.

According to the statements of said Representatives, one Lightning Rider (Representative Number: 25443, Race: Pegasus, Gender: Stallion), he states in his report that as he landed in the front yard of the location, he had smelled what had been described as a very strong odor of gasoline surrounding the place. However, this was not enough to deter our selfless Pegasus, as he walked up to the front door, and knocked on it.

This is, in his own words, "when everything went explodey and boomy and glowing!"

The house at the address given was subjected to immediate combustion and/or immolation, creating an explosive force that rendered the location unsurvivable for most creatures.

Do not fear, because for some reason, Lightning Rider's special talent is surviving things that, at first glance, should not have been survivable. Most times we cannot figure out how he does so, (we've already gone through three High Priests due to logic bombs trying to answer this question.) We are still trying to figure out exactly how he survived, but our best guess is he surfed the explosion via the front door. It makes as much sense as it sounds.

This being said, he still experienced major damage from landing in a house 4 blocks away, and was in critical condition for at least three days. The exact nature will be detailed in the itemization of damages.

The reason we are billing you for the damages is because we have, through extensive investigation, have determined that the front door was wired to a cache of explosives placed in the basement of the dwelling of Mr. Solovyov. The front door was pressure sensitive, so when Lightning Rider's hoof met the door, the trap went off. Along with this, we have found that the entire front and back yards were soaked in gasoline. (And by soaked, we are pretty sure that you could have fueled a small universe with it for a day). Therefore, this is sabotage, not accidental, and therefore we must asks for reparations.

While we cannot find the body, we have no idea if Mr. Solovyov is alive, dead, undead, or non-existent. Therefore, due to our policy, we must bill the next surviving family member, which is in this case, is the wife, which we assume is you. However, if you can prove name is alive, we will bill him instead. (And since he is still a chosen Participant, we will do so personally.)

As for the itemization of damages:

Medical Costs: 367,222 bits

Our doctors have had do several surgeries in the last few days to get Lightning Rider back onto a stable condition. It will take some more time before he will be able to resume his duties as a Representative. Fortunately, we had the necessary supplies from recent Ceremonies to be expedient with the surgeries. We even had a set of light yellow wings that we were able to graft onto his body, although it will take about a week before we can tell if they will be compatible. Plus side is his wings and body won't be three separate colors this time.

Investigation Costs: 54,327 bits

While we understand that your local police force is competent, we would wish that this matter be held discreetly and with the utmost care. Therefore, we sent two of our own Investigators, along with some security in case of secondary measures by (name). While we did this, we also had to recompense people for looking the other way, or excepting the story that we tell them. (Turns out your local police force is also quite easily bribed as well.)

Transportation Costs: 1,543 bits

It takes a decent amount of energy to cross the multiverse, more so for an emergency evacuation like we had to do for Lightning Rider. And since it takes money to get this energy, we are charging you for it.

Replacement Costs: 947 bits

There were several things in the possession of our Representative that were damaged or completely burned to a crisp, including his uniform (Which throws our High Priest of Fashion into a fit every time this happens. She designs each of those uniforms with care and love. At least she didn't faint on her couch this time.), his beacon (To signal for him to be retrieved by our Targeteers), and his lunch (He is most unhappy about this. It was his favorite meal). These all must be replaced.

Unfortunately, money does not grow on trees (we've tried), and while all members of the Church do this for their love of Her, they also do have expectations of being paid. Because of this, we must be expedient with recouping all losses.

This brings us to the matter at hand. You are in debt to the amount of 424,039, Equestrian. You may repay us in one of the following ways:

1) You may pay the amount, in full, within 30 days. We will not bother you again on this matter.

2) You may fill out form P-13, and mail it back to us. One of our Ministers of Finance will contact you to negotiate a payment plan that would allow you to pay back the debt in a piecemeal matter. We do not even charge interest of any kind, unlike most other businesses.

3) You may choose to work off this debt to the Church. We have plenty of positions here that need to be filled, anywhere from cleaning up a Ceremony Chapel, to licking stamps and filling envelopes, to cooking for our Cafeteria, to anything else we may have you do. While these are very low-end jobs, we do pay decently and provide you room and board while you repay us. And who knows? You might even want to join us on a more permanent basis. If this is the option that you wish to invoke, please fill out form P-14 and mail it back. We will contact you shortly.

Please remember that if you are overdue, we will pursue all methods available to us to collect on this payment. If you have any questions, feel free to contact us.

Her Will Be Done

Gint Keldor
High Priest of Finances (Owed)

P.S. We are not accepting any Zimbabwean money at this time. Please do not give us any trillion dollar notes in this currency.

Author's Note

Well, this makes chapter 3. Had a bit of a struggle, but I got it done!

Not much to say, other than I'm hoping I can get this on Equestria Daily. Bets on it happening?

Also, here's my idea for the next chapter: We all know about the story of Cupcakes. But is it the true story of the Rise of Pinkamena? Or is it a corrupted manuscript, missing several facts? We ran in circles trying to figure it out. Then one of us came up with an idea.

Let's just ASK her...

Tell me, is this worth going on about? Or is there something else you want to see? I'm always open to feedback.

Letter: Inquiry Into The First Ceremony

To:
Truth Seeker
322 Skywalker Way
Baltimare, Equestria, Universe 64

From:
The Multiversal Church of Pinkamena Triumphant
4th Wall Street
Ponyville, Equestria, Universe 42

To Whom it May Concern:

Thank you for writing to us. We here at the Cult of Pinkamena are always happy to answer any and all questions that you have regarding Her. We hope that we can cultivate your interest enough that you may one day join us in our worship of Her.

As to your question: You have asked if the manuscript you have found in your universe is the true story of Her beginning. Mainly, the First Ceremony. We understand your confusion, since in many different places, there are multiple versions of the tale that are spread around to others. When the Church was first founded, we admit we were not sure ourselves about Her Origin. We searched tomes around the multiverse, scoured documents and parchment. Then one of us got a brilliant (and simple) idea.

Let's just ask Her.

She gave us the truth. The Beginning. From Her humble beginnings, to Her current Godhood, She gave it all, and we have written it down, to be passed down for generations. The basics we share to all. As for the more detailed stuff, we have a few books in our catalog for differing amounts of donations.

Some may tell these corrupted stories in ignorance, believing that which is not true. To those, we offer education on the truth, so that they may better spread Her word. Others spread lies and misinformation, so that others are led away in horror and shock, so that we may be hindered. To those, we offer nothing but our scorn.

As to the specific manuscript you have given, it is filled with some of the common errors and mistakes. You have seemed to notice some of them, and have astutely pointed them out to us. Allow us to shine the light onto the truth.

First, the manuscript has Rainbow Dash,the Element of Loyalty, begging and pleading for her life during the entire Ceremony. This is a complete fabrication that could not be further from the truth. Rainbow Dash, in fact, was eagerly part of the Ceremony.

Pinkamena (Known only to her friends by her nickname, Pinkie Pie) and Rainbow Dash were best of friends in their normal life. Why would that change now? When She knew she should start the Red Cupcake Ceremony, who else but her loyal friend would willingly give her life so that she may Begin? If she wept, it was tears of joy as Pinkamena worked on her. We have been told of the puns and jokes they shared as the Ceremony went on, as long as her mortal body would hold out.

But eventually, despite as hard as She tried to prolong it, the Ceremony, like all Ceremonies, must eventually end. When Pinkamena saw this was about to happen, before Rainbow Dash passed on, she pointed out to a star outside. She told the Element of Loyalty "Do you see that star, Dashie? That's you. You’re going to be up there, always looking over us. And one day, you’re going to come get me. And that's a Pinkie Promise." We've been told that Rainbow Dash smiled weakly, and hugged her friend one last time before passing on.

But do not weep. For one day, Rainbow Dash will hug us as well, for when a member of the Church dies, it is Rainbow Dash herself that comes for us, to take us to the Summer Glens, our reward. What exactly is the Summer Glens? To put it simply, it is our version of Heaven. It is a place where we can, one day, be with Her forever, as well as those who have come before us.

Now, unto the other parts of the story. This is the First Ceremony, so other Ceremonies should have taken place AFTER this, not before. This is important because the results of other Ceremonies are anachronistically used in this story. Also, while Gilda DID have a parasprite shoved down her throat, it was not during a Ceremony, but during a battle between the neophyte Church and the Griffon Empire, due to it being on hoof at the time.

Another mistake is that she was assisted by either Apple Bloom or Scootaloo, dependent on the text. Others state that foals such as Twist and others were horribly tortured and killed. This is a complete and total fabrication. Pinkamena, and by extension, the Church, does not condone the injuring or torture of children of any age. We are not monsters, after all. As to assisting, only adults are allowed to be a part of a Ceremony, either as a Participant, a watcher, or as a High Priest. While all three members of the Cutie Mark Crusaders did assist Pinkamena at their proper time, they were grown mares when they did so.

While there are multiple other mistakes, they fall outside the scope of your letter. However, if you are interested, please contact us again, and we will give you a free guidebook, stating how you may start your journey into the Church, Until then, we hope that your search for the truth guides her into Her Embrace.

Her Will Be Done
New Order
High Priest

Author's Note

Almost forgot the Author's Notes!

Thanks go to SpaceCommie for beta-reading this for me. His help was extremely helpful!

Chapter 5 will come in due time. As soon as I can figure out what that is...

Newsletter: The Baking Tin 8/20/13

The Baking Tin!
The Church's Daily Internal Newsletter
August 20th, 2013

New Season, New Team

While there were rumors that we would not be participating this year, Our Sports Ministry is pleased to tell you the the Trans-Dimensional Baseball League will soon be starting up again. And we will be fielding a new year of the Pink, with a mostly new team!

Now, I understand that many of you may be hesitant to sign up, due to the incident with the Defilers on the first game of last year. We could not have imagined that they would take a 23-1 loss badly enough that they would have responded with trying to burn the stadium to the ground. (They wouldn't even give those in the stadium a chance to leave first.) And yes, we did lose a lot of the team, and Pinkamena Herself may have led a retaliatory strike against their Cult. But the Defilers have been banned from the league, and we're more to looking towards the future then the past.

So come see us as we take on the Church of the Breach's team (The Kaijus) 2 weeks from today! It's will even visor night, where the first thousand visitors get free visors with the team logo on it!

Wedding Announcement

We are pleased to announce to you that the blessed union of marriage between North Thorn and Ninassakau will be taking place on December 12th, 2013, at 12:00 PM (For those of you who cannot tell time, when the sun is highest in Her sky) in the main amphitheater.

This wedding will be in a variation of the Hindu style on most universes with Hinduism in it. As we assume most beings do not speak Sanskrit, translation devices will be provided for all. The reception will be immediately following the wedding, and will have a smorgasbord of food from both Naga and Pony background. More details will be provided as the date gets closer.

Mandatory Ethics Workshop

Due to a couple of unfortunate incidents taking place within the last two weeks, including the multiple accusations of improper harassment against Billy Fuller, the suggestion has been made that a refresher course on intra-Cult ethics be given to all members.

Now I can hear the groans already coming from everybody (Trust me, I did too.) about this, but it never hurts to always keep up on the basic fundamentals. (Besides, it has the word Fun in it. How bad could that be?) This is a one-day, eight hour workshop, so we won't take too much of your time. You will be excused from any work during this time. When it is will be dependent on your last name (If you do not have a spellable name, you’re going first.) Dates will be given tomorrow.

Again, we apologize for this, but we must not let ourselves lapse in our ethical and moral duties. When we do our acts for the Church, we do represent Her to our communities.

Morning Selections from the Drawing

Since yesterday was Sunday, there were no Drawings by Her, in accordance with a day of rest. However, here is this morning's Drawings:

Fredrick Stark, 1330 Colonial Drive, Bryan, TX 77803, Universe 67844
Ivo Stanković, Nittebergveien 241 , 2000 LILLESTRØM, Universe 7644
Gff##fdfhbg, Xiffbdfbd Province, Universe 5090
Rainbow Wishes, Equestria (No Address), Universe 12
Merle Deblois, 96, rue du Général Ailleret, 97430 LE TAMPON, Universe 46777
Love Tap, 245 Turnip Way, Ponyville, Equestria, Universe 45

This last name even came with a vision from the Sense. And you know what that means. This one might be interesting. But in any case, lets applaud these six beings for being a part of upcoming Ceremonies!

If you have anything to add to the Baking Tin, just let us know! Send a note to the Ministry of Paperwork, and we'll consider adding it!

Author's Note

Sorry for the long wait for such a short item, but sometimes it's just what happenes.

Now, I would like to state that I want to write a chapter a month at minimum. I'd rather put quality over quantity. But trust me, I will do my best to get more than that up.

Thanks once again for SpaceCommie for being an awesome beta!

Now, to ~~browse TV Tropes for twelve hours~~ get to Chapter 6

Form O-33: False Use of Church Material

To:
Dessert Wishes
226 Turnip Way
Ponyville, Equestria, Universe 45

From:
The Multiversal Church of Pinkamena Triumphant
4th Wall Street
Ponyville, Equestria, Universe 42

To Whom It May Concern:

Greetings and Salutations from the Cult Of Pinkamena. We are responding to your completion of form O-33: False Use of Church Material.

Great! I was getting worried!

Do not fear, for we here at the Office of Security are here to assess the situation and investigate all claims submitted to us in a timely and swift matter. We in fact thank you for your vigilance in ensuring that our name and legacy is not besmirched by those who do not like us. Surprisingly, there are others who would do anything to thwart Her Will, including using our own material in false ways.

Question: Why "False", instead of "Illegal"?

Good question. We use the term "False" to refer to those who are not members of our Church who use our material in ways not intended. "Illegal" is when a member of our Church does something with our material that is against the rules.

An example: If I were to go into your universe wearing a cloak that designates the wearer as a Messenger when I clearly am not, then that is an "Illegal" use. If some schmuck from around your town was to wear it, that would be "False"

So, has anything came from it? Was I too paranoid?

We here at the Ministry of Security believe it is impossible to be too paranoid. We've already mentioned that there are many groups in the multiverse that do not like us. She cares for each and every one of us, and to protect us, She created our Ministry.

As to the other question, yes. Something has come from what you described to us. Thanks to your actions, we have determined the two beings that you saw.

To the first one, we have looked through our archives, and thanks to the information you gave us, we were able to determine that the human you saw was identified as Anatoni Solovyov, from Universe 5342. This is of extreme interest to us, not only due to his misuse of our material, but he is currently chosen to be a Participant. However, our records do not show he has Trans-Dimensional traveling capabilities. This worried us at first, until we double checked your information, and we forme a hypothesis on how he was able to do so. Then we got very worried.

This leads us to the other being. While we do not have identification on the being, we can tell that he(?) is a Equestrian Changeling. What is worse is the identifying mark you mentioned on his(?) flank is consistent with the group known as the Sons Of Velis Vel.

Wait, who are the Sons of Velis Vel?

The Sons of Velis Vel is an espionage group made up of mostly differing types of changelings from the known multiverse. While their numbers are not overly big, even the hint of their involvement is enough to scare lesser organizations into mass hysteria and bouts of unstable decisions. This is simply because they are trained to be highly efficient in what they do, from anything as simple surveillance to "replacing" certain individuals when the mission requires it. (This may or may not involve the "disposal" of the original being)

And no, they are not all male, in case you were wondering.

However, they are only a branch of an organization that is attempting to persecute us, and deny us the right to worship our Goddess in they way She deserves. However, you have no need to concern yourself with this. We will take our precautions from here.

What should I do if I see them again?

Observe, but do nothing towards them. We must stress that you are probably far outmatched, and we would not want to lose a beloved devotee to Her. Be rest assured that we will deal with this in a very timely fashion.

Once again, we must thank you for your service towards Pinkamena by reporting this. You will be rewarded for your vigilance.

Her Will Be Done
Mr. Rich Uncorks

High Priest, Office of Security

From The Archived Materials of Anatoni Solovyov
Classification: Secret

--

To The Chief

Well, my contact went and [Censored] up badly. Might as well had just screamed at the top of his lungs that I was hiding out here. Why in the name of [Redacted] did the [Redacted] send a rookie on his first mission for this job? Well, now it was his last, thanks to a cleaver in the head. Tell whichever [Censored] that sent him to get an actual competent Agent next time. Oh, and I'm not dragging back the damn corpse this time either. Burned it, along with all sensitive materials.

Fortunately, the three Inquisitors the cult sent have been dispatched, so I'm safe, as far as I know. However, since I don't know who tipped them off, I've been forced to move to a new location, this time inside the Everfree. And yes, I know about the dangers of such a move, but you told me yourself to not be seen. This is about as safe from prying eyes as I'm getting, and I am the most dangerous thing in this forest.

Now, I did get the information from the Agent before his demise, so I know who the cult has targeted. But this will be a problematic extraction if the [Censored] [Redacted] Protocol is to be kept. And since they won't be hearing from there goon squad anytime soon, I don't know how many they are sending for this job. Some backup would be nice. In about six hours, I'm going to need it.

Agent 3044

P.S. Oh, and tell that archivist that keeps tracks of these things that if he doesn't like it that I [Censored] swear in my "materials", he can go [Censored] himself.

Author's Note

Well, sorry for the wait, but I've been having a hard time writing as of late. The ideas are there, but getting them to paper is a bit tougher. I'm not overly happy with this chapter, but it does do it's job, and I need to get to the next chapter.

Now, I want to thank SpaceCommie for recommending my fic in his blog! Seriously, go read his fics, there pretty good.

The next chapter will hopeful be up sometime soon. Maybe within the next cycle of the Mayan calendar.

The Letters of Truth Seeker : Marching Orders

From The Materials Of Truth Seeker
Classification: Secret

Well, it worked. The idiots actually think I want to be a part of their group. This one dumb pony actually tripped over his own (censored) to recruit me. Well, he would have had the stallion actually been in front of me, but that's not important right now. What is important is I am now inside the MAIN compound of the [redacted]-forsaken cult, no, excuse me, church. (I can't even take this idea seriously. What, does stained glass make you a church now? )

Well, these four guys came for me at the safe house, all decked out in stupid pink rags. I mean, I'm sure they think it makes 'em all mysterious and crap, but I think they look like bums. Anyway, they come for me, and we get into this massive chariot. Really, it's almost as big as [redacted] own chariot. It's filled with that same dull pink they always use, but it blings, and it's got some wicked stuff inside. They even have a dessert dispenser! (Made of actual dessert. You know, the sugary kind. Not the other kind.)

Anyways, we start traveling, and next thing I know, we're already in their universe, pulled up next to this wide-(censored) building. Seriously, it's the widest (censored) building I've seen. It's kinda tall as well. And of course, it's the same color of pink and got their logo plastered all over the front. Other then that, you couldn't even tell it's a creepy little death factory.

So then this gray unicorn comes up to me, and bows to me (Like he should. He is in the presence of a boss, after all.) First thing I notice about him is his horn is a mess. No, seriously, it's full of cracks, and looks like it's being held together by glue, which may not be out of the question, considering who we are talking about here. Anyways, he introduces himself as New Order, and welcomes me to the Church of Pinkamena (Yes, it has a longer name, No, I don't care.)

After that, he tells me he'll give me a tour tomorrow, and asks if I want anything. I thought about asking for a couple of mares, but kept that to myself. Not sure how he'd take it this early in. So we go to what I'm guessing are the guest quarters, and gives me the key to my own room, and bids me "Adoo". Funny thing, they didn't search my stuff at all. Didn't even ask about it or anything. I'm sure somepony is angry about not seeing how her illusion magic held up against scrutiny, but I'm not look a gift human in the mouth.

So, as you've ordered, I'm recording what I see and sending it to.you. I'm sure you'll put it to good use to destroy Pinkamena. I'm also sure that Archivist 004 will keep complaining of my choice of words. (Hey, Archivist 004! (censored) you!) And I'm sure it's going to be a simple mission.

Like A Boss

Truth Seeker

To: Representative North Thorn and Representative Ninassakau

As you are aware, At 1:00 PM, our time, you will leave for the following location:

245 Turnip Way, Ponyville, Equestria, Universe 45

However, we have been made aware of at least one Agent Of The Flame is near this location, and has already made martyrs of three members of our Inquisitors. We also believe there is one Son of Velis Vel with him. Combined with the fact that Pinkamena Herself has sensed something through her Sense Beyond Sense, something enough that she has requested protection for you, we are sending five Inquisitors and a Battle Priest with you, to ensure a smooth operation.

We are currently unsure of how many Agents you will need to be aware of, so stay on your guard. If you find yourself in trouble, you are ordered to retreat back to this universe. We can always do her Will at a different time. We cannot bring you back from the Summer Glens.

By Her Will
Mr. Rich Uncorks

P.S. So, have you two lovebirds decided on a honeymoon location yet? I've heard good things about Xanadu, over in Universe 232. Just sayin'

Author's Note

Hey,. actually got this chapter out fast! Thanks to SpaceCommie for his help!

Hey, if anyone reads this, I'd like to know you'd like to see. I'm always up to see what others think, although I can't guarantee anything.

Onwards to Chapter 9! Maybe before the Cubs win the World Series...

After-Action Reports: The Gathering of Love Tap (Fragment Alpha)

Incident: Retrieval for Red Cupcake Ceremony: (Love Tap)

Location of Incident: 245 Turnip Way, Ponyville, Equestria, Universe 45

Date And Time: 1:00 - 4:00 PM, August 23, 2013

Writing Officer: Rich Uncorks

Details of Incident:

At 1:00 PM (our time). Two Representatives, North Thorn (Representative 29331) and Ninassakau (Representative 29933) were dispatched to the stated location to due to the Will Of Pinkamena to gather the Participant, as the standard operating procedures dictate. However, due to information gathered by my department, along with the loss of three Inquisitors, I had taken the uncommon step of sending an armed group with them for their protection. (As trained as Representatives are in combat, I felt that a group of Inquisitors, led by a Battle Priest, would discourage others from making an attempt at stopping us.)

The group traveled from our Universe to Universe 45 via the Corridor, and were deposited in an uninhabited location nearby. All they were to do is gather Love Tap and make their way back here. However, things did not go as well as hoped.

At 1:30, we attempted communication with the Representatives, but received nothing but static from their communication device. After repeated attempts to contact them failed, we followed procedure and immediately attempted to use the emergency recall, and tried to bring them back through the Corridor. However, we were unable to do so, and considering we implant the beacon into their bodies, we started to panic, as there are very few things that it can mean when we are unable to recall our people back here, and none of them are good.

At this point, I gathered together as many Inquisitors as I could quickly find (about 30), and took command of the pick-up group myself, and had the Targeteers send me through the Corridor to a location near enough to where we sent the first team. The moment we entered the world, we double-timed it over to Love Tap's house. (And in case your wondering, I didn't really care about the rules at the moment. You know She waves the rules in most cases anyway if it's to rescue our own. Besides, it was at the edge of town anyways.) We were hoping we would just bust in, save the day, kill some of The Flame, and get our Participant and our group.

What we saw was a burned down house, nothing left but smoldering cinders and ash.

From The Archived Materials of Anatoni Solovyov

Classification: Top Secret Level 8 / Codewords: Broken Anastasia

To The Chief

If you get this, then it means I completed my mission. Love Tap is currently at [Redacted], in Universe [Redacted], where the Cult's attention is not focused at. However, she might not be in the best state of mind, and that is probably my fault. And this is why I am sending you this letter in advance, because I know that [Redacted] will be very upset with what I have done. And before you ask, I do not apologize for what I've done. I only apologize for Love Tap having to witness what I did.

Now, after not getting any reply back from my last communication, I assumed this was to be a solo mission and decided to make my way over to the mare's house in an effort to just get her and get back to [Redacted]. [Archivist Note: The reason his last communication was not responded to was because the person who was relaying communications at the time was busy having "relations" with one of his co-workers. We have since demoted him to janitor duty and told his wife] When I tried to explain what was going on to her, she was too busy breaking down trying to state that I was a human and shouldn't exist to listen to me. Once I had finally calmed her down, I tried to talk to her about needing to leave before the Cult showed up. She thought that the notice from the Cult (You know, the one stating their intentions to everyone who can read.) was nothing more than a sick prank. This led her to assume that I was in on it, and started to attack me with her forehooves. After taking a couple of hits to the face, I was able to restrain her enough to tell her I had come to save her. I don't think she completely believed me, considering that she refused to leave, no matter what. I don't think she believed I was completely real either.

That's when my scanner picked up an inter-universe door being opened somewhere near by, with eight life-signs exiting it. I suppose at this point, I could have just forcefully taken Love Tap and make a break for it, but that would have cause any number of problems, including the violation of the Yumiko Protocol, or innocent deaths, or any other number of bad things. So I decided instead to fight. Well, fight is probably the wrong word.

I decided to massacre the lot.

Author's Note

Sorry for the very long delay, but I have been busy with a few things. However, I do have plans to continue this story, but admittedly, it's a tad bit hard. But, I hope to keep going. Failing that, I hope to have a peanut butter sandwich.

Oh, and Draconas, I like that question, and I hope to answer it in a chapter soon. Until then, would you mind being on hold? :D

Letter: On The Nature Between Her And Us

To:
Truth Seeker
322 Skywalker Way
Baltimare, Equestria, Universe 64

From:
The Multiversal Church of Pinkamena Triumphant
4th Wall Street
Ponyville, Equestria, Universe 42

To Whom it May Concern:

Ah, it's good to hear from you again. We are always willing to tell others about Pinkamena Herself, especially in certain universes, such as yours, where our religion is illegal to operate in the open. (On a related note, you are keeping these correspondences to yourself, correct? We don't want you to get in trouble with your local law enforcement.)

On to your first question, I must respond with a question. How do you imagine our worship of Pinkamena takes place? Do you see Her upon a golden throne, never moving for all of eternity? Do you see Her in an vast cathedral, surrounded by sycophants chanting, bowing up and down as smoke fogs the view of Her into mystery? The answer to this is, of course, no. On an funny note, She actually tried this just to see how long She could last. This experience lasted four hours, and we're not sure if it was the boredom or the need to use the bathroom that got to Her first.

We tell this story to bring home the fact that She is not like others who ask for your worship. They either make them as unavailable as possible, only dealing with their followers by inane conditions and only to those they chose. If they do, it's only to receive worship. But with Her, She dwells with us. You can find her mingling with her devotees, talking with them in plain language that anyone can understand. She dislikes sitting still and doing nothing, and much prefers going from one place to another. She could be discussing missionary journeys with a group of Representatives, then brainstorming new methods for a ceremony to new High Priests the next. 30 minutes later, she could be in one of our kitchens, trying out one of a dozen new recipes that she came up with the night before, or testing someone's newest creation.

This ties into a second point. How do you imagine She treats her followers? Do you imagine that She demands the impossible from us? Does She subject us to years of rigorous training in our own personal Hell, just to get a glimpse of Her? Will She enforce contradictory regulations that change every 20 seconds? And if we fail, will She beat us with whips and chains as we beg Her forgiveness? The answer is also no. (Unless you're into that. Hey, we don't judge here.)

Then how does She treat us? To put it quite bluntly, almost like family. I know that it's cliche, but it is the truth. Many who claim deity only use their followers to their own ends, treating them as useful cattle. I've already mentioned how She interacts with us. She would much rather help us, doing whatever She can to ensure that we have a good time, no matter what it is we do. It doesn't have to be a massive song and dance routine (although she can do that), but a simple tune, a surprise cupcake, an unexpected visit, and nothing is boring anymore. We call her the Never-ending Enjoyment for a good reason.

And to be honest, this means a lot to us. Many others rule through fear, a sense of divine judgment if you do not step completely out of line, a bolt of retribution might come down and smite you. Instead, She rules in love, ensuring our loyalty and utmost devotion in what we do for Her. In reality, Machiavelli was wrong. It is better to be loved than feared. (Machiavelli is not from your universe, so don't worry if you don't know who he is.) While there are some rules we do require to be followed (Hey, where isn't there?), and there is an hierarchy and organization, for the most part,all She wants is for us to have fun. It might be foreign or strange to others, but for us, it's proof of Her love.

You also had the question of how do we worship Her? Well, I could tell you the various and different things we do, like ceremonies, rituals, spontaneous musicals, and things, but I'd feel you'd be better served by experiencing it yourself. If you would like, we can come and have you stay at one of our facility for a few days and experience what it's like to truly worship Her. Just mail us back, and we'll come get you in about a day.

Waiting to hear back from you
Her Will Be Done
New Order
High Priest

STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURE 5B IS IN EFFECT WITH THIS DOCUMENT. READ WITHIN 3 HOURS OF POSSESSION. DESTROY AFTER READING

To Agent 3044:

We have received your last communication, and are glad to here from you. To be blunt, we were afraid that our last message had not made it in time for for you to read, and that you'd been taken by the Cult. But once again, you seem to have made an explosive exit. (Yes, that was a purposeful pun. And yes, I heard you groan right now.) While the fool they sent to get you did survive (No, we don't know how.), he is out of commission.

Right now, we believe that it was coincidence that you were selected by their mad god, and that your identity as an agent has not been compromised. However, you must be very careful not to be spotted, especially outside of your 'verse. We have an idea of their ability to track people, and it is scary in their capabilities, which is why this document is in effect. However, this is providing us with an interesting opening. Due to a good amount of luck, we might now be able to get someone in on the inside of their compound.

Before you ask, your wife is safe. She is currently in a safe house at an undisclosed location. And yes, she is cursing at us in at least 4 languages, like you said she would.

Wait where you are. In about a day, we will be sending a Son of Velis Vel to you. He will have some costumes you will need to complete your next mission. Standard mode of identification apply. Do nothing until then.

Hopefully, we will be able to get strike a blow against the Cult Of Pinkamena. Maybe even a death blow. Then we can avenge the innocent they have slaughtered in their cruelty. They will answer for their crimes.

Until we communicate again.

The Chief

STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURE 5B IS IN EFFECT WITH THIS DOCUMENT. READ WITHIN 3 HOURS OF POSSESSION. DESTROY AFTER READING

Author's Note

Once again, Thanks to GBScientist (On Spacebattles) and SpaceCommie (On Fimfiction) for the beta! Word of advice to all authors: Get a beta. Your fics work a lot better with them.

So, chapter 7 will take place whenever I can stop playing Cookie Clicker. Wonder what would happen if Pinkie played that...