no need to submit

"When your life is as dull a gray as the world that surrounds you, the mundanities can make it all seem meaningless. Sometimes all we need is a little color -- or six -- to reintroduce us to what truly makes life worth living."

This is the description of My little Dashie. When I'm living my life... I can't do that much. I can't. I lived my life badly. I cried when my parents yelled at me, and lied down in my room for the world to devour me. Crying, sadness, that's my second nature. It's an instinct. If I ever have someone angry at me, crying and sadness will stand there with me. But they were made to help later, not during.

I like outside, but all I can do, is lay down and stare at the sky. I can see the air for Rainbow Dash to fly through. A blue for Rarity's best dress. Birds chirping happily with an echo of Pinkie Pie. Animals running around a happy Fluttershy. Grass for Applejack to have a rest on. The perfect calm area where Twilight can recline with her book. But the world, is still bad for me to be in. No, not that it's not good enough. It's much more different than that.

I found that The loudest voice, and the quiet whisperer, can harmonize perfectly where it can't be heard. Their mind. Applejack and Rarity can have the time of their lives. Rainbow Dash could show Twilight some relaxation. If your stuck with Pinkie and Fluttershy in a thunderstorm cupcake party, you'll see what I mean. If you could see Rarity showing her inner filly as Applejack and her run through the woods. Even Twilight can possibly comfort Rainbow Dash with innermost feelings. There's a perfection of Life to be found in balance.

So where's my shoulder to lean on?

So where's my Little Dashie?

So where's something to care for?

I need a life. I need someone to care for me, and someone to care about. What am I doing with the other bronies on a chair, looking at a lighted screen? Why does that comfort me? Why am I crying, even as I write this?

Why would any of it matter?

I care too much, I've learned that. I've never been cared for like a happy family would. I learned from those in my family that it's not healthy to care. I don't think that outer me does.

But.

But inside of me, a part that no one cares for, does. I care. A real me cares. It's not safe to. It can even hurt me.

But I care.

Oh... that I do.

My life doesn't matter to me as much as it once did. I care for all the other things in the world.

But can I say that for myself?

No. I can't. So how... how can I deal with the sadness that I don't care about? How do I get the nonexistent balance into my life?

Life is fine for most people. A smooth road with maybe some odd pebbles and a fallen tree, but it can be dealt with. They care where they get to on the road.

I... I don't know if I do. Why would I care? But the part of me born with the insensitivity of my family tells to give out all the care that no one gave me. So... can I care? Do I allow myself to? How can I if it is just myself? I don't care enough about my life.

And. That- That's okay. I'm used to not being allowed to care.

So- But I still do.

How do I deal with life?

How do I deal with life ...if it's mine?

And I think I know my answer.

I can wait for a shining ray of light in this pit... or...

I can wait for my heart, body, mind, soul, and life to fail me.

I don't find myself expecting the first. I can wish for it, but life is the mean teacher for a rebel student. It's taught me lessons.

So whichever it is that my life comes to, I'll deal with it. Both the answers, they seem too good for me. Are they? I... can I really care? For real? And this has no matter with me because it's too good for me, but is there really someone out there who can comfort and care for the thing I know as... my life?

And... as I go on, I can only wait in solitude with ponies, an impossible multitude of caring emotions, and the friends who are here with me right now.

Crying. Sadness. A wish that never dares to show its face.

These are my comforts. This is my "life." And it's terrible. Terrible misery. Someone, save me, someday. And if it happens but fails, then I will quietly accept my destiny anyway.

I won't care by then.

Let it come.

Let me wait here, as something happens, so that I can just stop.

Just,,, stop.,,