Like a Surgeon

by Felidae0

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Pinkie Pie, Crossover, Twilight Sparkle, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Other
Length: 6896

Nigel Burke, world-famous terrible surgeon, has ended up in Equestria. With Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle as his nurses, how can this go horribly, horribly wrong?

(This story is a legacy story, meaning it's mostly been left up for archival purposes; I don't consider it a current indication of my writing skill, but I wanted to let it remain available. Please, have a look at my most recent story for my current best work!)

Nigel Burke, world-famous terrible surgeon, has ended up in Equestria. With Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle as his nurses, how can this go horribly, horribly wrong?

So, a Surgeon Simulator 2013 crossover. Like that hasn't been done before. Anyhow, I'm going to be taking a few liberties with Nigel here, because he doesn't have much characterization already beyond "terrible painkiller-addicted surgeon who works with the wrong hand". Weirdly enough, this one's easier to write for than BaPiLV. Not sure why that is.

Suggestions for who Nigel should operate on, please! I don't wanna have to pick "Random background pony #?" every time.

Published 2013-08-06 17:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-21 17:52:25 UTC

Arrival

Like A Surgeon

Chapter 1

Nigel Burke woke up covered in blood. This was not unusual for him, as he often slept in his surgical clothes. The fact he was waking up in an alley was also something he was used to. So was the fact he couldn’t remember how he got here.

What was unusual was the grungy grey horse who was gaping at him from the mouth of the alley. The one currently shouting, “Somepony call the guard! There’s an alien psycho killer on the loose!”

Prison, too, was familiar to Nigel.

Horse prison, not so much.

He’d already had a quick look around the place, stooped over so he didn’t bang his head on the surprisingly-low ceiling, and had found a distinct lack of loose bricks, giant posters, or loose bars. Which meant he wasn’t getting out. Unless…

Aha! The fools! Foolish farm animals! They’d left him his floss! He’d saw his way out, and escape through the window! He pulled out a length of surgical floss, and looped it around the bar, before beginning to saw.

Half an hour later, he’d felt he’d made good progress. He pulled his sixth length of floss away from the bar, and felt the spot he’d been sawing with his finger. About an eighth of an inch deep. By this time tomorrow, he’d be through it completely! And then to start on the other end, so he could remove it. And so on, until he’d cut his way through all the bars. He could taste freedom already!

“What in the name of me are you doing?” He turned to find another horse staring at him through the bars of the door. This one was larger, and had a horn and wings. Finally, a worthy steed for him to escape on!

“Cutting my way out, noble steed.”

“I… beg your pardon?”

“Unless you’ve come to rescue me, in which case, high-ho whitey, away!” The horse was staring at him again. A second one had joined it, a smaller purple one, also with wings and horn. It opened its mouth, as if to say something, but closed it again immediately afterward. The large, white one shook its head again, causing its wavy multi-coloured hair to drift oddly.

“I shall let that particular statement pass without comment, if you don’t mind answering a few questions.”

“Oh! Is this the good cop, bad cop routine? You’re the good cop, and the purple one’s the bad cop, right?”

“…Will you answer my questions if I tell you yes?”

“Shoot, Whitey.” The purple one was gaping again. “You… You can’t just talk like that to Princess Celestia! Who do you think you are?!”

“Nigel Burke, M.D. Pleased to meetcha, purply.”

“Wha- I’m not- My name is Twilight-“ The white one placed a hoof on the purple one, as if to calm her, and said, “Peace, my faithful student. He seems confused.”

“Damn right I’m confused. Normally my drug-fueled nightmares aren’t this coherent!” Another horse, this one blue with a star-filled mane, poked her head around the corner. “Didst somepony mention nightmares? ‘Tis our specialty!” The white one pushed her back around the corner. “Luna, go back to your tower. Keep reading those stories on the Internet I keep telling you about.”

“That reminds me, where are my drugs? I haven’t taken any since… Last night? I think? It’s a bit of a haze. It’s alright, I have a prescription! Somewhere!” He began patting the pockets of his surgical gown, and tried to reach one in the back left pocket with his right hand. It didn’t quite reach though, so he turned around, only to find that the fiendish pocket had turned with him. He continued spinning around, trying to catch his pocket, until the white horse coughed loudly.

“Whitey? Are you alright? Do you need me to take a look at that cough for you?”

“Er, no. I would rather like to resume the questions, however.”

“Sure thing! Why are you horses?” This seemed to confuse the purple horse. “Why are we… What?”

“Horses. You know, you guys. Hooves, tails, big drippy noses…” The white one realized she had lost control of the conversation, and coughed again.

“You sure you don’t want to take a look at that, Whitey?”

“Quite sure. And my name is Princess Celestia, if you don’t mind…”

“Kinda do. I’ll stick with Whitey.” She sighed. “Fine. Now, I meant by ‘resume the questions’, that we would ask you questions.”

“Oh! Okay.”

“Finally… First off, what species are you, and from what nation do you hail from? Moreover, how did you get here?” The purple one had gotten a quill and parchment from her saddlebags, ands seemed to be levitating them. Neat.

“Human, England, dunno. How are you doing that?” The purple one glanced at the floating piece of parchment, before scribbling something. “Uh… Magic. Why?”

“Just thinking of all the ways I could totally abuse magic powers if I had them. Anyway, next question.”

“Why are you covered in blood?”

“I told you, I’m a doctor. Not The Doctor, mind you, just a doctor. Specifically, a surgeon.” Without any warning, a pink horse poked her head over his shoulder, and grinned at the purple one. “Hey Twi! This one isn’t military! He might actually be useful!”

“Pinkie! Get out of his cell, he might be dangerous!”

“Oh, he’s not dangerous right now. Isn’t that right, mister Burke?”

“Pinkie!” With a huff, the pink horse leapt off his shoulder without actually touching him, grabbed onto one of the bars of his cell, and spun around it like a stripper before touching the floor. Nigel had never before had the urge to see a horse in a strip club, but he suddenly decided that yes, he did now.

She giggled, and said his name again. “Burke. Hehe! Burke, lurk, murk, jerk. You aren’t a jerk, are you Nigel? Nah, you don’t seem like a jerk. But you do have a funny name!” He could tell he liked the pink one already. He grinned at her, and held his hand out to shake.

“Yep! Pleased ta meetcha, Pinkie! You’re my favorite horse here already!” Pinkie giggled, and shook his hand with her hoof. “I’m not a horse, silly! I’m a pony!”

“Well, then you’re my favorite pony here so far! Though that’s not hard to do, considering the ones I’ve met.” Pinkie leaned in close and whispered loudly, “They never take the whole ‘human in Equestria’ thing well.”

“This has happened before?”

“Not in this one, it hasn’t! Oh! That means I need to throw you a ‘first human in this Equestria’ party too! Maybe I can combine it with my ‘Welcome to Equestria’ party!”

“Will there be yogurt?”

“Silly Nigel! Yogurt’s for kids!”

“But I like yogurt. I always have some while I’m doing surgery.”

“Then there shall be yogurt at the party!” the both let out a girlish “Yay!” at that. Both Whitey and the purple pony were just staring at them now. Whitey coughed yet again.

“You really have to let me take a look at that, Whitey.”

“Please, Doctor. ‘Princess’ is fine.”

“Whatever you say, Princess Whitey!” She put a hoof to her forehead, just under her horn, and exhaled slowly. “Twilight, my faithful student, can you take over from here? I feel my presence is no longer required.” Under her breath, she muttered, “And I need a freaking drink…”

“Of course, Princess! I’ll have the report on your desk in an hour!”

“Good… good…” She muttered, walking off in the direction of the exit. The purple pony, Twilight-

“Snrk…” That caught the purple ponies’ attention. “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing, nothing. What was your name again? ‘Purply’ sounds kinda stupid.”

“Twilight, Princess Twilight Sparkle.”

“Heehee…”

“What now?”

“Nothing. Out of curiosity, you aren’t a vampire, are you?”

“What? No, why?”

“No reason.” Both Nigel and Pinkie started giggling. Twilight sighed. All of a sudden, she understood why Celestia had needed a drink so badly.

Author's Note

Incidentally, one universe to the immediate right...

Qualifications

Like a Surgeon

Chapter 2

“…So finally, there’s Alicorns like me and Celestia-“

“Whitey.”

“Stop that. We have both horns and wings, to signify unity between the other three pony races, as we have the magical abilities of the Unicorns, the flight skills of the Pegasi, and… Uh…”

“Nothing for the Earth Ponies?”

“Uh… No! I mean yes, there’s a few theories that the Earth Pony magic manifests by making us taller, I know I haven’t gotten any better at growing stuff since I became one, I’ve actually gotten worse, but I have grown a few inches-“

“Oh good, you can send out spam mail now.”

“…I have no idea what you’re talking about. As usual.” A particularly loud snore from Pinkie caught her attention. Twilight leaned forward slightly, still keeping her distance from the bars, and looked at her. She was curled up on Nigel’s lap, not unlike a large dog would, and had been ever since Twilight had started trying to explain absolutely everything about Equestria to Nigel. The snoring had started about an hour in.

“Is she doing that to mock me?”

“Eh, I’d do the same. This whole thing seems like a bad waste of a good trip, if you ask me. I think I’m starting to come down off it now.”

“You still think this is some drug-addled hallucination, even after I explained all that?”

“What do you expect me to believe all this guff about Unicorns, Pegasi, Alicorns, and boring horses?”

“Yeah, that’s not specist at all.” Nigel gently sat Pinkie on the floor, where she started moving around as though she’d lost her teddy bear. “Sorry Pinks, I’ll just be a moment.” He then turned to Twilight, and put his hand to his head, imitating a horn with his finger.

“Ooh! Lookit me, I’m a Unicorn! I can lift all the things! I can teleport! I’m totally the best of all the horses!”

“Seriously?”

“Whee! Now I’m a Pegasus! I can fly, even though my wings are nowhere near large enough to do it! I don’t need to pay for cab fare! I can shoot lightning outta me butt!”

“Okay, that’s both offensive and… Well okay, it’s mostly really offensive.”

“I’m a horse!”

A moment of silence passed. On the other side of the planet, a monastery of Llamas who had come together specifically for that sort of thing mourned it’s passing. They did so with another moment of silence, repeating the cycle for the rest of the day until they all got bored and went home, quickly forgetting about the whole thing.

“…Is that it?”

“Pinkie makes it seem much more balanced.”

“So, if you’re done, I’d like to move onto magic, which I briefly touched on during the Unicorns lesson.”

“Wait wait, I didn’t do Alicorns yet!”

“Please don’t.”

“I’m an overpowered freak! I can somehow be born like one, or I can become one! Blah blah blah!”

“…How did you know that? I never told you that!”

“Meh. Kinda guessed it. That’s what six hours of long, boring explanation does to me. Can we stop?”

“Fine, I suppose we can take a small break…” In an instant, Pinkie was awake again, grinning at Twilight. “TwiTwiTwi! Can we get to the surgery yet? How long did I sleep? I didn’t sleep all the way through chapter three, did I? That’d be really inconvenient, because I’m a vital character in chapter two, and a really important character in chapter four! Not to mention the bonus chapter, which I’m really looking forward to! Plus, none of the readers would be nearly as interested if I wasn’t here!”

“…Chapter four?”

“Yeppers, where I eat a bunch of chocolate and- whoop! Spoilers!” She looked at the fourth wall, setting off a paradox in which she couldn’t look at the fourth wall because it had been broken, and making her blink.

“Hey, stop that! This is getting too meta, it’s never gonna make it past moderation and everybody’s gonna be sick of it by this point in the chapter already! Get to the real humour!”

Twilight, and finally, Nigel, both looked at Pinkie Pie like she had grown fingers. “Even that one’s kinda pushing it buddy!” …Before the author shut up and they both just wrote it off as Pinkie being Pinkie again. The mare in question turned back to them, and winked at Twilight.

“Come on, sciency-pants! Don’t you wanna see him get to work? I’ll bet he’s hilarious to watch!”

“I’m not sure whether or not to be offended.”

“And you had such a good grasp of that before.”

“Aw, Nigel, don’t worry! We’re laughing with you! That’s a Pinkie Promise!” Twilight seemed slightly aghast. “You can’t be serious, Pinkie. This alien shows up in Canterlot, full of drugs and covered in blood, and you want him to do surgery? How do we even know he’s qualified?”

Nigel jumped at this, and dropped to his knees. “Please please please don’t make me go through medical school again. That was the most boring six years of my life.”

“…Equestrian medical education is four years long.”

“So’s human medical education. I get bored quick.” Twilight shot a glare at Pinkie, who was flipping through a black and white notebook full of terrible handwriting. “Pinkie, I wouldn’t trust this creature with a basket of eggs. If he was any worse, we’d have to blast him with the Elements.”

Pinkie didn’t seem to be paying any attention. “Lesse… There’s not much here, he didn’t plan this story out at all on paper, he’s writing this all by the seat of his pants… I’ll be right back, Twi!” And with that, she popped out of existence. Nigel stared at the spot, while Twilight sighed and put her head in her hooves.

“…Is… She is coming back, right?”

“Oh yeah. Does this all the time. She says it’s so she can keep ahead of the story, and make it funnier. I gave up on understanding it a while back.”

“So, we just wait?”

“Yeah, usually takes a couple minutes. While we’re waiting, why don’t you try and explain your qualification?”

“I thought you didn’t want me getting anywhere near an operating theatre?”

“If Pinkie’s on your side, I’ve already lost. How many surgeries have you completed?”

“Successfully?”

“I find it disturbing that you’re asking that question. Yes, successfully.”

“No idea. Done it a lot though.”

“Right, let’s go with medical knowledge. Describe an appendectomy. In as much detail as possible.”

“Well, first you cut through the skin down under the muscle-“

“Stop. What about sedation, or sterilization?”

“Meh. My nurses handle all that stuff for me. I start by cutting in.”

“Fine. That sort of makes sense. Continue.”

“Well, by then they’re bleeding a bit. So I inject them with the green needle.”

“The green needle? What’s the chemical used?”

“Dunno. Anyway, then I start pulling out the intestines, and find the Appendix. Tie that off, cut it off, and shove all the intestines back in. Done.”

“What.” She was squinting at him again. “But won’t the wound get infected without it getting sewn up properly? And what about sewing the skin and muscle tissue back into place?”

“Again, my nurses handle all that stuff. Though they don’t like having to pull the intestines back out.” She looked at him again, before looking away, as though to think for a moment. Nigel amused himself by checking the time on his watch. Then he remembered he didn’t have a watch anymore, because he’d left it in his last patient. Well, at least that woman wouldn’t need a pacemaker. Twilight finally looked back to him, and gritted her teeth.

“Alright, that’s more-or-less accurate. Horribly unprofessional, but certainly acceptable in practice. And in three, two, one…” With a pop, Pinkie Pie existed again, and immediately started talking.

“Okay, I know where Duncan- I mean, Felidae0, is going with this again! And in other news, he needs a bath.”

Hey!

“And to stop being so meta. I’m hardly a shining example, but seriously, this is overkill in this chapter. He’s gotta keep it much more spread out, or it’ll get old quick. But he did make a really funny typo earlier, by accidentally setting the AutoCorrect to change ‘getting’ into ‘gattling’! His AutoCorrect is weird like that. It also wants ‘AutoCorrect’ to be capitalized each time.”

“Uh huh. Pinkie, I’ve asked Nigel what his qualifications are while you were gone-“

“Yeah, I helped write that part! Feli was worried you were being too scientific, but I told him how you’re always as scientific as possible in everything you do, and then he asked ‘Isn’t that a symptom of Asperger’s syndrome?’ because he was reading TV Tropes yesterday, and I told him ‘omygosh! You’re right! And-“

“Pinkie, does this story have any important bits?”

“Sure does, Nigel! You’re a hilariously terrible doctor, but we all love you for it because it’s happening to other ponies, and Twilight, you totally have Asperger’s, but that’ll never be confirmed because they can’t do that in a kids show, and diversity is confusing for six-year-old girls! And also unmarketable, which is really their problem.”

Twilight just looked at her. “I’m unmarketable if I have-? wait, no. I’m not having this conversation right now.” Pinkie was suddenly on the other side of the bars, hugging Twilight. “Well, yeah. No little girl wants to buy a disabled pony like you or Scootaloo, but the Brony community will, but they don’t count according to Hasbro. But we still love you, Twily!”

Back in the cell, Nigel muttered, “Wow, this got dark fast.” In a blink, Pinkie was back in the cell, her forehoof around Nigel’s shoulder like they were posing for a picture. “See? He’s picking up on it! Also, he managed to sneak a couple pills he found in the lining of his coat while you weren’t looking.”

“Ooooh, pretty pink pony…”

:”Grand. Well, should we wait for him to come off it while we try and figure out who can test his medical knowledge properly?”

“Aw, but he’s even funnier this way, like when Frumpy the Clown was high on Novacaine! And I bet Princess Celestia will do it. Be back after a jump cut, Nigel!”

“If she’s not drunk.” Twilight stated, leading Pinkie out of the otherwise-empty prison.

“Well, yeah. But she won’t be, because she needs to be in-character for at least one of Feli’s stories.”

“Pinkie Pie, you are so random.”

“That’s Dashie’s line!”

In no time at all, they were back at Nigel’s cell, and Twilight was feeling sick.

“Ugh. I feel sick.”

“Jump cuts do that to Ashens, too! Or maybe it was because Celestia tried to evaporate all the booze before we came in, and you started breathing the fumes.”

“Yeah, I bet that was it. Nigel, we’re back, and you’re gonna take a test! Have the drugs worn off yet?”

“The minor ones, yeah. I’m still on a trip that’s causing me to see cute multicoloured horses.”

“Good. If you’ll wait a second, I’ll unlock the door-“

“Ooh! Twi, Twi!”

“What?”

“Can I pick the lock with my tongue?”

“What.”

“I said, can I-“

“No, I got that part. But why in Celestia’s name would you want to?”

“To see if I can. Also to drum up interest in the bonus chapter.”

“…You know what, I don’t wanna know. Have at it.” With a “Yay!” and a tiny explosion of confetti, Pinkie leapt in front of the door before winking at Nigel, and licking the lock. “Hm. Iron, Skyreland design.”

Twilight gave her a questioning look. “Skyreland?”

“I dunno, it sounded good, and I ran with it.” Her tongue began to move like a snake, and Twilight backed up to give her space. Within seconds, Pinkie Pie was frenching the cell door.

“…Okay, that’s pretty hot.”

“I certainly didn’t expect to hear that.”

“Well, yeah, but admit it, you’re turned on.”

“Why wouldn’t I, Purply?” Twilight turned back to him, shooting him a glare, before she looked back at her friend with far too much interest. Pinkie winked, very pointedly at Nigel and not Twilight, before the lock clicked open.

“And lo, no stallion in Equestria was safe.” Twilight remarked, passing Nigel a box filled with whatever the Guards had taken off him. He gravitated first towards the pills, which he popped open and swallowed about a fifth of. Pinkie hopped onto his shoulder like a parrot, and began poking through as well.

“Lessee… Scalpels, needles, rubber duck, box of floppy disks, one labeled ‘TEA’.”

“Never found out what was on that one.”

“Ooh! Rubber gloves!” Pinkie poked her head back out of the box, her rubber-clad hooves following quickly afterward. “Hehe, this reminds me of that clone that did that creepy thing with her hoof. Which still wasn’t as creepy as when that other clone turned into a first-gen pony!” She ducked back into the box as Nigel turned to Twilight.

“So, we’re off to see the wizard?”

“If by ‘wizard’ you mean my mentor, friend, and ruler, Princess Celestia, yes.”

“Oh, Whitey!”

“…Yes.”

“Oooh, a Medic figurine!” Pinkie’s voice was only slightly muffled by the box.

“I’m guessing you want me to be on my best behavior?”

“If you’ve been on your best behavior so far, than I have little hope you’ll be able to practice medicine in Equestria anytime soon.” Pinkie popped out of the box again, and hugged Nigel’s face. “You hear that, Nigel? You gotta play nice for a little bit if you wanna practice your malpractice!”

“Mmmphmphmm.”

“Yay! Thanks, Nigel! We’ll be cutting hearts out with spoons before you know it!”

“Mm-hm!” They were approaching the door to Celestia’s bedchambers now, and by proxy the guards standing outside, so Pinkie dropped off Nigel’s face and began bouncing alongside him. The guards eyed Nigel up and down, lingering on the blood staining his medical gown, before admitting him into her chambers with a frown. He was stopped by a pink hoof just before did so, however.

“Nigel?” Pinkie had a look on her face that he’d never seen before. Up until now, she’d been bouncy, never lingering anything for more than twenty seconds at most. But Pinkie was sedate, almost weirdly serious. He nodded, listening. “Please, Nigel. I know you can do this. And I of all ponies should know when somepony, or someone, needs to be serious.”

Nigel bent down, hugging her, which she eagerly returned. “Don’t worry, Pinkie. Do you think anybody would let me get away with the crap I do If I wasn’t good at it?” This got a giggle out of his shoulder, where Pinkie had buried her snout. “And you’re right. Sometimes you gotta be serious for a little bit, so it’s funnier when you aren’t.”

“Dang it, he’s being meta again.” Pinkie smirked at the fourth wall, before tapping Nigel’s shoulder. “Alright, get in there and prove how good at surgerising you are!” He nodded, and the guards opened the doors again. He gave Pinkie and Twilight one last wave before they shut behind him.

“He’s so screwed, isn’t he?”

“Well, if he was, then we’d have to go through about four years worth of chapters detailing his journey through Equestrian medical school. Which wouldn’t be nearly as funny as if we just dumped him into surgery with no idea how Pony anatomy works!”

“…We’re so screwed, aren’t we?”

Twilight felt back the nausea. “Ugh. We’ve been sitting outside the doors too long. I bet she vented all the fumes out here by accident.”

“Also, there was another jump cut.”

“Sure, whatever you say.” Without any warning, besides this being the other end of the jump cut, the door opened, and Nigel walked back out, grinning. “I’m still a doctor!”

Pinkie was on him in a moment, hugging him and talking at supersonic speeds. “Yay! IknewyoucoulddoitbutIstillwasworriedbecauseitwouldkillallthetensionifIwasn’tandbecauseDuncanImeanFelidaewouldtotallyswitchitupjusttoscrewwithusandyouwereintherelongenoughtowarrantajumpcutbutreallyitwasonlyliketenminutesandwecandosurgerynow! Yay!”

Twilight eyed him, but waited until Pinkie was finished before speaking. “You passed? How in Equestria did you manage that?”

“Well, back in medical school, we all had to dissect pigs. I forget the context, or whether we all dissected one or just got to watch, but I remember it was because pig anatomy is really close to human anatomy, just placed differently. So I thought back to that, and used that to answer all the questions.”

“…You passed because you compared Equine anatomy to Porcine anatomy?”

“Yeppers!”

“That’s both terrifying and insulting.”

“You have no idea.” And with that statement, Princess Celestia followed Nigel out of her bedchambers. “Anyway, I need to go find more booze. I have a headache. Probably because of the booze.” Nigel shot her a grin. “What’s wrong, noble steed? Didn’t expect me to be so professional?”

“No, I didn’t expect you to be so lucid after inhaling vodka fumes for five minutes.”

“Meh. Vodka’s nothing compared to what I drug myself with most days.”

“Also terrifying.” Added Twilight. She turned to Celestia, and teleported directly in front of her with a ‘ker-pop’. “Celestia, surely you can’t be serious! You still want to let him perform medicine with all that’s happened today?”

Celestia eyed her, decided it wasn’t worth the trouble of rationally discussing this with her when she was between her and some of Luna’s moonshine, and stated simply, “Oh, you’re that concerned about him? Alright, you and Pinkie can babysit him. I know you’re qualified to be his nurse, and Pinkie’s Pinkie.”

Pinkie nodded. “Yep! If I ever need to learn how to be a nurse, or anything really, I can just enter the Matrix and have it downloaded!”

“…Case in point.” Celestia shook her head. She still didn’t have any booze. This was a problem. “Anyway, see if you can get work at Ponyville general. Just tell them I sent you, and you’ll be doing surgery before you can say, “And also, this alien is going to be the Surgeon.”

Author's Note

So, it's 2:30 at night, I'm not supposed to be using this computer, and my forehead is bleeding. Obviously this is the best time for this.
Yeah, I've had a weird couple of days. Mainly because pinkie helped me write this chapter. Now, you might be asking "What do you mean, Pinkie helped you write this chapter?" Well, there's really only three options. First, is that Pinkie popped out of my closet, and physically helped me write this chapter. Second, that I'm psychic and channeling Pinkie Pie from another universe. Or third, I'm crazy and have multiple personality disorder. You guys can figure it out later.
But! Next chapter is where we get into the meat of the story, where as anyone who has played the game or watched literally any let's play of it ever knows, is the Heart Surgery. Seeya then!

Heart Surgery!

Like a Surgeon

Chapter 3

“-And also, this alien is going to- Oh wow, she wasn’t kidding! I almost didn’t feel the month-long wait between chapters!”

Pinkie Pie’s eyes darted around the operating theatre, which consisted of a single, sterile room with evenly-placed lights overhead. In the center was an operating table, itself surrounded by Nigel, Twilight, herself, several tables covered in medical tools, and a small gathering of machines. One monitored the patient’s blood and heartbeat, one monitored his brain activity, and one of them went ‘beep’ for no discernible reason.

“Well, Dr. Burke-“ Twilight began, before being interrupted.

“Seriously, you can just call me Nigel. I don’t mind.”

“As I was saying, Doctor, Nurses Blood Plasma and Heartbeat already made the first incisions, and Dr. Stable was just about to begin the operation proper when we took over. His ribcage is already exposed, cleared, and sterilized. He’s stable.”

“The doctor was operating on himself?”

“What?”

“I thought you said Dr. Stable was operating. Then you said he was Stable? He’s not Stable?”

“No, he’s stable. That’s what the blood monitor is for.”

“What would the blood monitor have to do with it? Where does it say he’s Stable?”

“Right here. It’s monitoring his heartbeat.”

“Oh, we’re operating on her too? And they’re together? Okay, but can we switch it back to Stable?”

“It is stable!”

“You said it was a Heartbeat monitor.”

“It is!”

“Well, then switch it to Stable so we can start cutting!”

“It’s already stable!”

“Oh, good. Now that we have a Stable monitor-“

“Why would we need to monitor a stable?”

“So the patient isn’t Stable?”

“The patient is stable, yes.”

“Wait, is he or is he not Stable? What does that machine do again?”

“It’s a heartbeat monitor.”

“But it also makes sure he’s Stable?”

“Now you’re getting it!”

“How does it do that?”

“By monitoring his blood plasma!”

“Wait, he’s with her too? Does Heartbeat knows he’s cheating on her with Blood Plasma?”

“Third base!” Shouted Pinkie from atop the machine that went ‘beep’.

“What?”

“What?”

“Okay, hang on one second. Who are we operating on again?”

“Lemme check.” Twilight’s magic seized a clipboard on a nearby table, bringing it to her eye level. “Oh hey, It’s Time Turner! I know him, he’s Ponyville’s Timekeeper! Says here he’s in for a heart transplant.”

“So he’s not Stable?”

“What? No, he’s stable. Listen to his heartbeat.”

“What’s she got to do with it? Can you hear her but I can’t?”

“Third base!” Pinkie squeaked again, giggling to herself.

“Stop that. And Pinkie, off that machine. It’s probably delicate.”

“Okie dokie lokie, Twilight!” Whereupon she jumped across the operating table to an equipment table on the patient’s left side, where a radio sat. She began fiddling with the dials again, after turning it on to find a song playing that sounded like jazz, had a computer tried to recreate jazz without ever actually hearing any.

Twilight turned back to Nigel. “Where were we?”

“Trying to figure out who we’re performing surgery on.”

“I told you, it’s Time Turner.”

“And then you said he was Stable.”

“He is stable.”

“Just like that! Is he stable or is he not?”

“Yes, he’s stable. Time Turner is stable.”

“What? How does that work?”

“Well, see, the heartbeat monitor here-“

“Oh hell, where does she fit into this? Is she Stable too?”

“Well, I presume so. I haven’t seen her since she left, just after she sterilized the patient’s ribcage.”

“But I thought she was the patient?’

“What? Why? Has something happened to her?”

“You tell me! Apparently we have a heartbeat monitor here!”

“It also monitors blood plasma.”

“Her too? Why would anyone design a machine that could monitor three ponies at once?”

“It can’t! It can only monitor the one.”

“Because Time Turner, Heartbeat, and Blood Plasma are all Stable?”

“Yes! Or at least they were when I saw them last!”

“Which is right now, because Time Turner is right here, and he’s Stable.”

“Exactly, now you’re getting it!”

“And because we’re monitoring his Blood Plasma and his Heartbeat?”

“Correct!”

“…Okay, so you guys just have polygamous relationships here, or what?”

“What?”

“What?”

“Third base!” They both turned to look at Pinkie, who was still fiddling with the radio. She looked up and pointed at it. “Wasn’t me this time, guys. Found a station that was playing an old Abtrot and Coltstello routine.”

Nigel shook his head. “Anyway, no matter who we’re operating on, they’re not gonna get much better if we just sit here.”

Pinkie grinned, changing the station one last time to a cheesy medical drama theme song, and took up a position next to Nigel, on his left. Twilight blinked a few times blankly, but realized they were waiting for her, and took up a similar position on Nigel’s right. Together, they all leaned forward, Nigel taking the plastic sheet covering the otherwise-exposed ribcage in his gloved hand.

He peeled it back slowly at first, like taking off a band-aid, but after a moment, he shrugged, simply yanking the rest off. Still attached to the pin, it flopped to the Patient’s right side, and became trapped between the tool table and the operating table. Nigel clicked his tongue.

“Weird. That part’s usually really hard. It’s like I can never get a good grip on it.” However, the two ponies on either side of him didn’t hear a word he said. Pinkie looked excited, her eyes examining every inch of Time Turner’s ribcage, while Twilight looked a little sick.

“Um…Yes… Well… I’ve seen Equine skeletons in anatomy books before, but I’ve never actually seen one in my life…” Twilight reached out a hoof and tapped one of the bottom ribs, as if to make sure it was real. It made a vaguely xylophone-esque sound, which immediately set Pinkie off.

“Ooh! Neato! Twilight, do that again!”

“What?” Pinkie didn’t wait for Twilight however, and picked up a rubber mallet (Like one would use to test your reflexes by banging your knee. [Except that doesn’t work for horses, it just hurts and makes them buck you in the face. {Real horses are assholes.}]) and started smacking all over Time Turners’ ribcage, playing a jaunty tune.

“Ooh, Amos Moses was a Cajun, he lived by himself in a swamp-“ Twilight yanked the mallet out of her hooves fairly quickly, however.

“That’s enough of that. Dr. Burke? How shall we start?” Nigel bit his lip, and looked over the equipment tables. On the left were an assortment of scalpels, a surgical circular saw, a few glass cups, and a bottle of some sort of orange soda. On the right, a large bone saw, a pair of hypodermic needles, a drill, and a bunch of Q-

“Wha- shh! That’s trademarked!”

What, really? I thought that’s just what they were called.

“Yeah, they’ve taken over the market, so that’s just what everyone calls. Use… I dunno, surgical swabs?”

Got it. Thanks, Pinkie!

“Anytime, Dunc!”

Nigel glanced back to his left, and picked up the bottle of soda. Which was mockingly empty. Tossing it over his shoulder, his eyes glanced back around the table, where he began to reorganize everything into neat little piles. “Okay, this pile here is what should be able to get through his ribcage. The bone saw, the circular saw, the drill, and the hammer.”

Twilight lifted them all up in her magic. “Well, obviously we’re supposed to use the bone saw.”

Pinkie bounced up, plucking the drill out of the air. As soon as she touched it, it turned on and began whirring, gyrating dangerously. “Woah! This thing is dangerous! I like it!” Then, because she lacked anything to actually hold the drill with, it spun out of her grip and began bouncing around the floor.

They all watched it rolling around, throwing up sparks where it landed before launching itself back up. Nigel spoke first. “Eh, leave it. I’m sure it won’t be a problem.” They both nodded as he saw something he’d missed before. “Oh! Pills here! Lemme see… Perfect, painkillers!” And before they could stop him, he swallowed the whole bottle.

Twilight tried to pick her jaw up off the floor. “Um. Isn’t that a lethal dose? Just swallowing the whole bottle like that?”

“Huh. Maybe. Never thought about it, really. Must have built up a resistance to it.”

“…Resistance or not, a fatal dose is still a fatal-“

“Guys?” Pinkie waved at them. “I know when I’m the voice of reason there’s something seriously wrong, but shouldn’t we be surgerising or something?” They both blinked at her. Twilight nodded first, holding up the tools again, minus the drill, which had gone off to parts unknown. Nigel blinked a few seconds later, because his whole body had gone numb and he was busy enjoying the feeling when Pinkie had spoken.

“Right.” The purple Unicorn started again. “So, we’ll be using the bone saw?”

Nigel was looking at his hand, but pulled himself away to answer. “What? No, I’ll be using the hammer.”

“…To break open his ribcage. Even though I just told Pinkie to stop banging on it with the mallet.”

“She had the right idea. Gimme.” Not waiting for her, he bopped her on the horn and caught the hammer as it fell. Ignoring he shout of shock, he hopped atop the pony lying on the table, straddling him as he lined up the hammer. Twilight made it back to a standing position just in time to see him do this.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“I work best up here. Gives me freedom of movement. Besides, it’d only be weird if he wasn’t a horse.” With that, he pulled his surgical mask up and began lining up the hammer again. Twilight grimaced, and ducked her head under her hooves. “I can’t look…”

With a shout of “Hiya!” Nigel brought the hammer down dead center on the pony’s sternum. There was a teeth-grinding ‘crunch’ sound, and Nigel leaned back to observe his work. “Wow, that wasn’t nearly as effective as I’d hoped.” He looked over to Pinkie, who had bitten into a hilariously oversized granola bar. “Right, well… Let’s try again.” He brought hammer back up, and this time did an upward sweep along the pony’s right side.

This time, the ear-splitting crack was followed by the clatter of bone fragments raining back down, some bouncing off Twilight, as well as a spurt of blood across Nigel’s surgical gown. Pinkie shook her hair, and a bunch of chunks of rib fell out, clattering across the floor to join the others. “Wowee! You got his whole ribcage! That’s tricky in-game, too!”

Nigel nodded, looking over his handiwork. “Great! Now, we just need to pop these out…”

Twilight looked up just in time to see Nigel put his hand into Time Turner’s ribcage, and pull out his lungs. She ducked back down, muttering, “I didn’t just see that. I didn’t just see that. Time Turner apparently doesn’t need to breathe. I didn’t just see that.”

Back up top, Nigel turned to Pinkie. “Hey, watch this!” and with that, he began juggling the lungs, to Pinkie’s giggling. Inevitably, the juggling ended like all juggling must eventually, when he dropped one of them. It bounced off the side of the tool table, and underneath the operating table, before coming to a stop in front of Twilight. The sound of a Pony vomiting soon followed.

“Twi! That’s gross! We’re in an operating room, this is no time for that sort of thing! Also, horses can’t vomit!” Twilight groaned from the floor. Pinkie looked back at Nigel, who had been busy sifting through the scalpels. “So Doc, what next?”

Nigel picked one of the scalpels out, the head shaped like an arrowhead. “Perfect! Okay Pinkie, watch closely. I gotta cut out his esophagus, ‘cause it’s in the way.” The knife dipped in twice with a pair of squishy sounds following. “Done cutting! Okay, I don’t need this anymore!” And then he tossed the carefully-sharpened and sterilized scalpel over his shoulder like a handful of salt.

Twilight stood back up, groaning, and queasily asked, “Wait, did you say you needed to cut out his esoph-“ She was cut off as Nigel put something on her horn, and two fleshy blurs hung in front of her.

“Hey, Nurse, can you hold these? Thanks, you make an excellent organ rack.” Twilight simply stood there, her brain not quite working anymore. She was only jolted out of it when Time Turner’s stomach smacked into her snout, also knocking his esophagus off her horn. “Nope, didn’t need that either. Hey, you dropped them! And you were doing so well…”

Pinkie stretched her hooves out to the other table, picking up the box that held the new heart, and bringing it to Nigel, all while ignoring the sounds of Twilight retching again. “Here you go, Nigel! One brand-new heart for Mr. Time Turner!”

Nigel popped it open, gently picking up the new heart, and dropped it into Time Turner’s chest cavity. “And done!” He tapped his chin. “Although, I can’t help feeling there’s something we’ve forgotten to do… Oh well. Pinkie, you wanna grab lunch?”

“Sure, where ya thinkin’?”

“Oh, I dunno.” He replied, sliding off Time Turner and onto the floor. “You guys don’t eat meat, so… How’s Gryphon cuisine?”

“It’s pretty good! And they made this amazing thing, called a Hot Dog!”

“Sounds great.” And with that, they left the operating room, Nigel still wearing his bloodstained medical garb and Pinkie still wearing a nurse’s hat. A few minutes after they left, Twilight managed to stand back up, and managed to inspect their work.

“Hey! You morons, you didn’t take out the old heart! You gave Time Turner two hearts, you idiots!”

Author's Note

Tell it like it is, Pinkie.
This took way too goddamn long to write. I still blame School for sucking all my desire to write right outta me, but... Anyway, we's gots acheivs! I'll just put them here in a nice little list.
It's life Jim, but not as we know it: Perform a Heart Transplant.
Socialised Medicine: Perform a heart transplant losing less than 1500ml of blood.
Performance Enhancer?: Complete a procedure after being drugged. (Shush.)
Vworrrp Vworrrp: Create a Time Lord.
Don't Be Such A Baby, Ribs Grow Back!: Completely smash up the rib cage.
And here's hoping the next one comes out a mite quicker, eh?