We start our tale with our overly-muscular, tight-wearing mercenary, who goes by the name of Deadpool, in a grove of pastel trees.
“Oh, damn, my head,” he says as he comes to. Absorbing the scenery, he cleverly states, “Am I high again? ‘Cause things aren’t usually this bright, especially in Gotham.”
“HI!” Says a horse-like creature with hair that could nest a gaggle of geese, a pink coat, and an annoyingly high voice. She gives the narrator the stink-eye.
“Well, it’s official. I’m having a bad high,” said Deadpool as he picked himself up. “Well, at least I can practice my sword skills...” But no sword was to be found on Deadpool’s person.
“You must be one of those humans that keep appearing here for no apparent reason,” the girly figure stated. “I’m Pinkie Pie.”
“And I’m waiting until I’m finished with this high. Wolverine must have got me with a tranq. Again.” He expectantly folded his arm and tapped his toe.
“Are you okay?” Pinkie Pie asked, “Because most humans I find here start walking.”
“I’m fine. I’m just waiting until this all disappears and I wake up in a garbage bin. Or a harlem.”
“Oke doke, but let me just say that you’re probably dead and cannot return to wherever you’re from,” Pinkie said as she turned around.
Then it hit him. “I’m... dead?”
“Most likely. But it’s funny that you’re not a no-story pony. We get those a lot, and they usually adjust just fine.”
Suddenly, Deadpool slouched, his pasty-white eyes widen, and his mouth gapped as he said, “Is this... hell?”
Pinkie shrugged her shoulders. “Heck if I know. Everypony seems-”
“Woah, woah, woah. Did you just say, ‘everypony’?”
“Well yeah,” Pinkie said matter-o-factly. “Most sentient beings around here are ponies, so we usually say, ‘everypony’.”
Slowly, Deadpool’s hand raised shakily as he uttered, “Tell me, oh great pony of the dead, I am the only human in hell?”
“No,” Pinkie said.
“Phew!”
“But the other guy left on an epic adventure to find a portal back to earth among the other nations.”
“... Does this mean there are no human females.”
“Nope.”
“DAMN IT!” Deadpool fell to the ground and started beating the living daylights out of it as he quipped, “What did I do wrong. What did I do wrong? Sure I kill people, but everyone’s got to eat. Is that a sin!? To eat! Why, why, why...” And at this point we find the brave and valiant Deadpool in the fetal position, sucking his thumb, and rocking himself.
“There, there,” Pinkie tried to comfort him. “It’s not all bad. Maybe if we ask Celestia, she’ll turn you into a stallion, and you can-”
“A stallion?” Deadpool said as he jumped back to his feet. “That would mean I wouldn’t have to resort to bestiality! I’m in! Where is this Celestia chick so I can force her to turn me into a stallion?”
“There.” Pinkie Pie pointed to the far of peak.
Deadpool facepalmed. “Damn the author. By the way, how did you find me.”
“The author.”
“Well, we got here fast,” Deadpool stated as they both entered into the town adorned with little cute hearts and flowers carved into every beam. Every pastel pony was waving “hi” to one another, smiling, and having a good day in general.
“I think I’m going to be sick,” Deadpool said, and Pinkie pulled a bucket for him to throw up in, which he did.
“Thanks.”
“Don’t mention it!” Pinkie said, and stowed the bucket away.
“Alright, so lets talk to the Sunny chick so I get it on!” Deadpool said. “Do you think I’ll have a cool mark on my butt like you-”
“Flank,” Pinkie deadpanned.
“ANYWAY, do you think I’ll have a cool mark on my butt when I turn into the buffest stallion in the world. I hope it’s something manly like a gun, or sword, or tacos! Oh, I love tacos, just the way it all fits into one shell, and how the whole thing falls apart in your mouth, it’s better than-”
“WOAH!” Pinkie interrupted and shoved a hoof in his mouth. “I’m sure we don’t want to have to rate this story that high!”
“What? I was going to say sushi.”
“LOOK OUT!” Pinkie immediately jumped for cover. Deadpool turned his head, saw a blur of blue, and took a direct hit to the chest.
“OOF!”
“Wow!” Pinkie said from behind a bush. “The author really doesn’t like you.”
“No,” Deadpool said as he shoved the blue thing off of himself. “It’s usually the narrator who hates me.”
“What are you two talking about?” asked the blue thing with girly rainbows for her mane and tail.
“Deadpool, this is Rainbow Dash; Rainbow Dash, Deadpool.”
“Wait, when did I tell you my name?” Deadpool asked Pinkie.
“The author was too lazy to fit that in.”
To this, Rainbow Dash responded with a really long, “Okay... Put ‘er there, Dead-” Which was the exact moment Deadpool bashed Rainbow Dash in the head, causing her to collapse all over the ground. Next, Pinkie Pie did a flying kick to Deadpool’s head, launching it and the rest of his body thirty feet with a ten foot skid.
“Wow, you’re getting good at that,” Rainbow Dash said as she rubbed her head.
“I try,” she responded, then quickly stood atop the downed mercenary and, while poking his throat, said, “Do that again and you will wish this was hell.” Then the demonic pony put on a wide grin as she let him pick himself up off the ground... again.
“Damn it, I’m walking to Celestia’s palace ON MY OWN!” And with that, Deadpool marched toward the mountain.
“Who is this clown?” Rainbow said to Pinkie.
“Another grover. Funny, usually the grovers are a lot nicer.”
And for about... five seconds the pair watched him walk off.
“You know,” Rainbow Dash said, “Since it’s summer, I got some free time.”
“Ooh! And the Cakes want me to have some free time. They didn’t like my ‘bomb voyage’ cake. Do you want to see how long it takes for him to die!?”
“Heck yeah!”
So, in the most conspicuous manner possible, both Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie followed Deadpool.
“Alright, I’ll ask the obvious question, why are you two following me?” Deadpool asked.
“We want to see how you die,” Rainbow Dash said.
“Excuse me?”
“Well, I say timberwolves,” Rainbow Dash went on.
“And I think a bear would do it. He looks dumb enough to try and take one on for fun, just like my uncle Stewy. Ah, he sure tasted good,” Pinkie said.
Deadpool just slapped his face, “Look girls, I’m a mercenary who has killed, like, a bajillion people, so I can handle a bear, or a wolf, or anything else in this forst.”
“You’re right,” Rainbow Dash said.
“Thanks for-” Deadpool try to say.
“He is going to die by bear.”
Deadpool facepalmed.
“Do you think the bear will leave us the leftovers?” Pinkie asked. “I bet if we got Fluttershy out here, we could have a picnic!”
“Now hold up you two colorful demons,” Deadpool said. “You two want to eat me?”
“Not necessarily,” Rainbow Dash said, “It’s just the bears in this forest can make a mean stew. I mean, who wouldn’t go for that?”
“Besides, they always just throw away the bones. I don’t know about you, but I love chewing on a good bone,” Pinkie finished.
A few seconds... “I thought you couldn’t die in hell.”
Rainbow Dash facehooved. “This isn’t hell, it’s Equestria.”
“That’s what I said! But then he started asking question and crying...”
“Crying? Jez, this guy is going to get eaten by a bear.”
“WILL YOU TWO JUST SHUT UP! I AM NOT GETTING EATEN BY A BEAR!” shouted Deadpool into their faces.
“All caps. Cute,” commented Pinkie Pie.
“UGH!” Deadpool sets his fist to his side, slouched, and kept walking, this time trying to focus on the voices in his head rather than the voices in his ears.
“So what do you think he’ll taste like?” Pinkie Pie continued.
“I bet rabbit. He seems scrawny enough,” Rainbow Dash said.
“Nah, I was going to go more with unfortunate sloth, because he’s tall, scrawny, moves really slow, and doesn’t know anything.”
At this point, even the voices in Deadpool’s head are so annoyed that they decide to pack their metaphorical bags and leave for good. “Damn it! Look what you two did! Now the voices in my head are gone and I have to spend months convincing them-”
“Ooh! You have voices in your head too!” Pinkie said, “because mine tell me to save the bear the trouble, kill you, and cook you.”
“That would make this walk a lot more interesting than us chatting our heads off,” Rainbow Dash added.
“You two are horribly messed up, you know that?” Deadpool said.
After the author saw that he had less than 500 words to go, Harry, Ponyville’s resident bear, jumped out at the strange creature.dressed in blood red.
“AHHH! AHHH!” Screamed Deadpool as the bear tore away into his flesh.
“So, Harry,” Rainbow Dash said. Harry stopped for a minute to look at her. “You inviting us to your place for dinner tonight.” Harry nodded his head and continued his butcher work.
“Harry is so nice!” Pinkie Pie squealed. “Everytime he catches something, he shares his new stew with us! I just wonder how the author is going to get back Deadpool is going to be alive after the submission is judged.”
Both Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie walked away from the bloody scene, talking about Pinkie’s tendency of talking about their lives as if it were in a story book.
“While the bitchy narrator left the only super-merc with healing powers to be ripped up by a bear,” Deadpool wanted to say aloud, but was too busy screaming his head off while almost every part of his body regrew over and over and over and over...
“Eventually this bear will get tired,” Deadpool wanted to say again, but was too busy crying like a baby as Harry ripped of a leg, gather the scraps, and went back to his cave for a delicious stew where he would invite all his carnivore and omnivore friends to enjoy it with.
“Alright I’m done crying-” To which Harry jumped from the bushes, ripped off Deadpool’s head, and took the rest of the body. He figured if he could have a whole leg, why not the whole thing?
And now, holding his middle finger like he had a smidgen of power in this colorful hell he had found himself in, he cursed to the sky, and went back to the town of man-eating equines that at least had the decency not to attack his body.
