Good ol' Harry, the fine owner of the pub, was scared proper shitless of Henderson after an incident with a 'commie bastard pinball machine' a couple years back, so Henderson is able to drink in peace and nobody really bothered him about the mounting tab.

So he's sitting there working on a new plan of action with his two best friends, Mr. Daniels and Mr. Walker, when suddenly a news report comes on. Apparently some woman was commenting on how a building a few blocks away from the bar just had their shit wrecked. Henderson was VERY interested in knowing that they were not in fact Mormons, but rather 'Ponies' which apparently were a radical sect of Buddhism that had the details promptly ignored since there was a hockey game on.

Then Henderson had a really good idea. Since somebody at the other table had the 'Dragnet' theme as their ringtone.
He knew fuck all about looking for people, but a Private Detective...
So after a few minutes in the phone book, he decides to literally call the first name he saw under the PI heading.

On the other side of town, a Detective with ties to the HLF picked up a phone.

"Hello?"

"I need a man who's good at finding things, doesn't have any great love of religious loonies, and doesn't mind maybe shooting an ugly ass poodle or two."

"... I'm sorry, but WHO is this?"

"Name's Henderson. I need some help from a professional."

"No argument here. So, you're looking to hire a PI?"

"Yep. Had something precious stolen from me."

"And that was?"

"Roughly 40 thousand dollars of Lawn Gnomes."

There was a silence on both ends of the line. "What?"

"I'm not saying it was cultists, but I'm pretty sure it was cultists. Or aliens, either seems likely in this situation. If you're interested we can talk down at Harry's on the south side by the river." And then he hung up.

Since the detective was quickly getting nowhere with his missing persons case, which he is convinced is somehow connected to the Conversion Bureau, he decided it'd be good for a laugh.

Henderson meanwhile had discovered that Harry had acquired a Pac-Man arcade machine, and decided to fill the score board with profanity.

So when the detective arrives, he asks for 'some guy named Henderson' and was promptly pointed to a man in... unusual attire who was teaching a girl how to shoot pool.

"Henderson?"

"Hold on, just a second. The important part of a shot in pool is to make sure it's smooth. Take all the time you need to line up the shot, don't let them rush you." He says, and then he sinks his last three balls and the '8' in one stroke. He then turns to the detective.

Who promptly recognizes him, because he was camped out near the CB earlier but was cut from the story for reasons, and tries to leave. Too bad for him, Henderson decided to follow. "So how do you think you're gonna go about this?"

"I'm gonna get the hell back in my car and leave the crazy ass arsonist/murderer behind."

"No shit?" He looks over his shoulder back at the bar "Which one?" He looks at the detective poking him in the chest. "What?"

"The Bureau! You burned down a Conversion Bureau!"

"They started it."

"Because you walked in with a shotgun?" He asked exasperated at the infuriatingly flawless logic of a complete asshole.

"No. Because they stole my goddamned lawn gnomes."

"Yeah, you mentioned that. How do you fucking steal 40 thousand dollars in decorative lawn fixtures? Where the hell did you even get that many gnomes?"

"I worked briefly as a prostitute in Thailand. The antique gnome collection was my retirement plan."

"What?"

"Ended up riding some dude's junk all the way back home. Hell of an uncomfortable ride, let me tell you. Not meant for the ocean blue. And I would know."

"You... understand the logistics... of riding another man's junk... across the ocean..."

"Well, in a general sense. I took a course on ship building back in college. This was before we had these fancy navigational Gypsy Pathfinder Space-fairies."

"... I... alight, you said you were looking for gnomes?"

"Actually, that was earlier. Just now I was explaining that I knew so much about catching a ride on somebody's junk because of vigorous study in my youth."

"Let's focus on the Gnomes. You think they were stolen by a cult?"

"Only thing that makes sense from what I know. I want you to look into these 'Ponies'. See if they're doing anything suspicious."

"I think you mean Conversion Bureau... Actually, I was looking into them already for another reason: looks like they've got a hand in human trafficking. Lawn Gnomes... seems like an odd direction to go in, but I won't deny that they're up to no good. I'll let you know if I find anything worth talking about."

"Sounds good. I'm usually at Harry's unless I'm not. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go see a man about a horse." Henderson then walked across the street, stole a bicycle, and rode off into the sunset and would not be seen again until shenanigans were needed.

The detective, who's name is Alexander Johanson, goes back to his office to call up his old pal James Fink.

"So," Jim said as he walked into the office. "Who's the client?"

"Some crazy motherfucker named Henderson."

"That his first or his last name?"

"Man, I have no fucking clue."

"Alright, so what's he want?"

"Apparently he thinks some ponies stole his antique lawn gnome collection."

"... So drop the nutter."

"Two good reasons not to: The group he's accusing I honestly believe to be involved in both activity illegal and bizarre. Well, more bizarre than turning people into ponies. The other is that any man who can afford to just have 40 grand in gnomes lie around can write a pay-check."

"...Why the hell would somebody have fourty-"

"Don't tug on this particular string Jim. Trust me, just... don't."

"So what's our first lead?"

"Well I was gonna go kick around in the ashes of the Conversion Bureau my new boss burned down, and then see if there were any witnesses."

"Wait, our BOSS caused that fire?"

"Yeah. So you're in?"

"You kiddin'? I NEED to see how deep this rabbit hole goes."

That evening they went to the site, and discovered some human corpses that went unaccounted in the back of the wreckage. There wasn't enough left to be damning evidence, but plenty to make them start asking some pointed questions.

A professor at a local school was contacted to look into how these bodies could be identified, and then they found the page of the Neighcronomicron. Recognizing the occult symbols on it, from his investigation into the transformation potion, the Detective dropped it off at his office while he went to ask if he could borrow a notebook out of the cold-case evidence lockers.

Henderson meanwhile discovered that during a recent bender, he had agreed to chaperon a dance at the local high-school. So he swings by the detective's office to let him know where he'll be.

So he's at the office, and he meets Jim, asks him to pass along the info to Al, and then snags the scrap of the Neighcronomicron on the way out the door saying he needed paper.

Jim failed to notice which sheet he took.

So Henderson shows up to the dance in his usual attire, slightly less scruffy than usual, and volunteers to sit outside and make sure punks from the other schools didn't try and gate-crash the party. The more 'proper' people were glad to keep him out, since that meant he wouldn't be able to corrupt the youth.

Henderson was glad because there was no way they'd let him smoke the monster blunt he just rolled inside.

When the detective realized what Henderson had taken, he quickly rushed to the school to prevent the inevitable.

Meanwhile, Jimmy (the jock) was sitting outside, sad because his girlfriend didn't come because she was too busy being a pony.

Henderson decides to introduce him to the wonderful world of substance abuse, and like a bro passes the blunt.

So Jimmy took a hit, and then went on the ride of his life.

He saw Jesus, and then Jesus turned into a giant squid thing. In the deep distance, the Weed softened the blow by masking everything behind a cartoon-ey after-glow.

So imagine for a moment watching Elmer Fudd scream 'Cthulhu fhtagn' and shoot Daffy in the face. Only instead of a fucked up beak and a muttering of 'this means war', he screams 'HE COMES!" and tentacles rip out of his form to molest wildlife.

Henderson of course takes the blunt back, and then comments on how 'this is some really GOOD shit man' and how Jimmy is 'a lightweight'.

Jimmy then does a bit better and they get to swapping stories. Pretty soon some New Foals show up, and they agree to join forces for the sake of cute girls next door, and lawn gnomes everywhere.

Sadly that roach burned fast and hard, so when Al and Jim got there all they saw was the crazy old fuck and some ginger teenager crashed together against the wall giggling at 'those silly squid things in people's heads'.

So then they discover the kid's connection to the madness, that being his girlfriend tried to kidnap him to be converted, and promptly discover what he knows. Which admittedly isn't all that much, but ever little bit helps.

This leads to the three people who DIDN'T have school tomorrow to prepare a stakeout of the Conversion Bureau that Jimmy was meant to be shipped to.

So at this point, they all get into Jim's van, and park down the street from the Bureau. The Bureau happens to be on the end of a road, at a T-shaped intersection, and they're parked a bit up the way from it.

"Man, stakeouts are boring."

"No shit, Henderson. You have anything useful to contribute?"

"Not really. I should've brought a book or something."

"Would you be paying attention to the building if you had reading material?"

"Not really."

"Then I guess that would defeat the purpose of a stakeout, wouldn't it?"

"Not if you two were watching. Hell, we could have two of us watching the third man playing bait."

"You'd volunteer for that?"

"Beats the fuck out of sitting in a van with two dudes who won't even let me smoke."

"Didn't you smoke EVIDENCE last time you lit up?"

"I regret nothing. Fuck it, you guys hungry or something? I'm gonna go grab some munchies from the gas station."

"Bring coffee."

"And some cheese doodles."

"Aight. Back in... fuck it, just leave the doors unlocked."

And he went in search of snacks. When he hopped out of the van, one of the ponies happened to see him, and as he walked around the corner into the gas-station, they ran out and beat the shit out of the two left behind.

About the time they got dragged into the building, Henderson had FINALLY got out of the bathroom. About the time they got tied to the altar, Henderson had stopped to try on hats. About the time the ritual reached it's height, Henderson was debating which AC/DC album was the best with the cashier.

The end result of that argument was that while they couldn't decide if Back in Black or Dirty Deeds was the best album, Black Ice was pretty boss and heralded only good.

So then with some tense tests of willpower and resolve, Jim managed to free Al and hold off the ponies while an evil presence steadily took chunks off his sanity until he was no longer able to resist.

Smiling in malicious glee, the New Foal that was once Jim began to stalk his new prey. At this point in time, Henderson had JUST walked out of the store, just in time to see Al get potion-glomped by a monster using his friend's voice. So Henderson does the only 'logical' thing he could. He stole a fucking fuel truck.

He made it, and bailed, just in time for the truck to hit him off of Al's body, and run Al's ass over. Jim rode that truck to its end, an end that involved C4, while Henderson placed a call to Jimmy(the other one).

"Hey kid, Henderson here. Found out what the nasties are weak against."

"What's that Mr. Henderson?"

"Point blank annihilation." he then hangs up the phone, and proceeds to walk off to the nearest bar.

Until the back trail ignited, and the fire blew up the gas station and took the nearest bar with it. Then William Brocklaw runs out into the street and yells about how his newly refurbished bar just got destroyed on the evening of its grand reopening.

"Hey man, if it makes you feel any better, I can help you get back at the people who did this."

"Who are you?"

"Name's Henderson. This is my right hand man, Rupert."

"... and you know who did this?"

"I'm fairly certain I do. Ever hear of the 'Ponies'?"

"Are you saying that this was done by those tiny horses?"

"Look, I'm not saying it was 'Ponies'."

"Re-"

"But it was probably 'Ponies'. Come on, your bar might be gone, but it's not the only watering hole in town. Ever hear of a pub called Harry's? You look like you could use a drink."

At Harry's bar, he got filled in on what Henderson knew, while getting a couple of drinks 'on the house'.

So after a few minutes of back and forth, Will decides he'll get in on it IF Henderson can provide some proof as to the whole evil pony thing.

"So why'd you decide to go after them?"

"Revenge mostly."

"Really? What happened?"

"Same bastard who blew up your bar killed two of my buddies. This is after they stole all my fucking lawn gnomes."

"Damn. Tell you what, when we catch them, I'll hold one of them still while you kill him."

"Mighty generous of you."

Author's Note

What am I doing.