Author's Note

Felt like writing. Hope it's to your liking.

Row Row Fight The Cosmic Horrors From Beyond All Mortal Comprehension

I think when I left off on the last story our intrepid 'heroes' had just gotten their hands on tacos and narrowly avoided getting arrested.

Henderson is formally introduced to Kary at this point. Usually it is what you do BEFORE you start making sweet, sweet hero sex in the back of someone's vehicle. But Henderson's a pretty chill dude, so no foul.

Henderson, being the responsible adult that he is, takes the kids to Henry's. "If you're old enough to kill cultists, you're good to drink." He told them, and grabbed everyone a beer.

They eventually bumped into Malcolm Reeves. Mal was a soldier who just got discharged from the military after a tour of duty sent him into a PER bunker out in the East. During the engagement, Princess Celestia herself appeared to provide back-up for the losing ponies. In the form of summoning monsters from the ether into the mortal realm. He was diagnosed with Schizophrenic hallucinations caused by PTSD, and sent home. He overhears Henderson talking about pony cultists and deformed hell-poodles, and asks if he can get involved.

They move out of the bar as evening begins to set in, in various degrees of drunk. Soon they start looking for... something. Look, I don't know, all semblance of coherency left a long time ago. Let's just say they start looking around the building Henderson exploded.

Nothing.

They go back to the remains of the Bureau Henderson burned down.

Nada.

Same story with the old mansion and the Bureau meeting they saved Kary from.

"Fookin' cultists!" Henderson yelled dismayed. "Not one clue anywhere!"
Ooo... They're looking for clues. Gotta write that down.
"Maybe if you didn't burn everything down we'd have more to work with?" Mal suggests.

"We wage a scorched Earth sorta war here, kid." Henderson says darkly. "But that can wait until we get a lead. Anyone have any ideas?"

Jimmy, buzz well on it's way to wearing off, raises a hand. "Uh... the Internet?"

"What the hell's an Internet?" And then Henderson learned something new about the world.

Seeing as how Kary and Jimmy's parents wouldn't want a trio of random dudes showing up to use their computers, they do the next most logical thing: break into the library and use the public access lines.

Sadly, Google had zero useful results under 'Gorram poodle fookin cultists'.

'Conversion Bureau', as Jimmy pointed out, and then corrected Henderson's spelling, had a list of locations and possible meeting times for various groups across the city.

There were ten unmolested locations, and several of them were having meetings this very night. Clearly, God was wanting them to get back to investigating. For clues. That or He REALLY liked seeing Henderson fuck up everyone's shit. Because Henderson instead bought enough gasoline to make about fifty Molotovs, and burned every one of those motherfuckers down that evening, before dropping off the kids at home for a good night's sleep.

The rest of the gang head back to the bar, and Mal buys the first round as they watch the news, seeing their exploits all over T.V.

The posse all got a good laugh when the Cops apparently failed their assorted checks, tests, and investigations. Triumphantly, they return home for the evening, and they all catch the news the next morning. Apparently people are appalled by the hate-crimes against ponies in the community, and they send their prayers with them.

The head of the local Conversion Bureau, Utter Clusterbuck, thanked the community for their concern, and said that he had the permission of the local government to gather together and pray for the souls of their departed in a local High-School Gym.

In retrospect, what appeared to be a sign from the Flying Spaghetti Monster telling them that every living cultist of Princess Celestia would be gathering into one convenient location should've been a hint that it was a trap.

Like one big enough to be visible from space.

This is when Henderson had a 'cunning plan'. He was gonna go there and talk to the head cultist pony. Mal tells him that it's a fantastic plan, since Will already shared the summoning of the demon thing Henderson accidentally accomplished with him.

So the new plan, of which Henderson was only vaguely aware, was that Jimmy was going to help the 'deacon' set up a slide show thing for all of the words of the prayer that he was going to lead.

Henderson asked what significance Lawn Gnomes had in their worship/conversion process. Clusterbuck, after deducing that he wasn't in fact being mocked, explained that the CB was rather neutral on the topic of Lawn Gnomes. Henderson then kept chasing the line as hard as he could, asking about things like Human-Pony-Gnome relations. Whether the Gnomes had souls. Whether said souled-Gnomes could theoretically be used as sacrifices to Satan.

Clusterbuck then gave Henderson a Look. A look that can only be summed up as 'Dude, I fucked a Shoggoth and you're creeping me out'.

Jimmy then lead Henderson away from the fracas, after he completed his secret mission of changing one of the slides about a third of the way into the show.

That evening, the cultists prayed to Celestia. They asked for guidance and protection. They asked that their dead be avenged. They asked that they be allowed to continue serving.

Or at least, that was the intent.

One of the slides had been changed to say something more like ' Al'whya al Cthulhu fhatagan, K'kili'far al is ar'arkas fal dep'wa'.

One horrible, tentacled monstrosity per member saying the prayers out loud. The group chose to barricade the doors and leave. After the horrors had ripped apart the cultists, they turned on each other. Soon the hall was left with only the dead and dieing, while some stone-cold motherfuckers shot pool across town.

However, Henderson and the gang didn't account for one thing. Celestia wasn't the only game in town, and a High Priest of Cthulhu felt a hundred monsters being called into the world in his Master's name. He investigates and finds the scene of the crime, and then looks into the earlier summoning performed by Henderson.

Gravely insulted by the turn of affairs, he uses a sympathetic binding using what little remained of the corpse to sick a pair of hell-hounds on Henderson, before returning to his meditations.

When they catch up to him, Will's already gone home, the Kids are sleeping, and Henderson's going for a walk with Malcolm. We're in the park not far from his house, about to part ways when we hear a horrible snarling noise.

Pistols drawn, we get a lucky shot off and kill one of them while the second leaps onto Henderson's face. He throws it off, and dodges it's second coming.

Guess who get's a crit to the fucking throat? Fucking Guess.

So as the monster kills Mal, Henderson manages a few solid kicks into it. The summoner, having detected a kill from his beasts dismissed the survivor, assuming that he got the kill he desired.

Henderson called the cops, and Mal was given a small but tasteful funeral at the military's expense. The official police reports read it off as a mauling by some dogs that apparently escaped, heavily wounded. Henderson chose the epitaph. It read, "At least it wasn't AIDS."