The Best of Octavia and Vinyl

"Hey there, Tavi!"

"Good afternoon, Vinyl. Please, come inside. I was just about to make some tea."

"Thanks." Octavia allowed Vinyl through the door then walked back toward the kitchen. A few moments later, the clinking of porcelain and the soft thumps of cabinets closing emanated throughout the small apartment.

"Make yourself at home." Octavia place a small pot on the stove and began to boil some water. Then she grabbed several teabags from a box next to the stove.

"Don't mind if I do." Vinyl trotted up to the counter which extended from the wall, sat down on a stool in the front and looked around as Octavia placed the teabags inside the pot. "Hey, your trashcan is full. Want me to take it out for you?"

"I've been meaning to take that out. Thank you." Vinyl moved to take out the bag, but suddenly stopped.

"Wait a second. Is... Is this a pineapple skin?" She pointed to a brown, pointed shell of a recently finished pineapple.

"Is what?" Octavia set the stove's timer, then turned to face Vinyl. "Oh, that.  Yes, I finished it yesterday. I really do need to take the trash out more often."

"You didn't eat it, did you?"

"The skin?"

Vinyl deadpanned. "The pineapple."

"Of course I did."

"You ate a pineapple."

"Indeed, I ate a pineapple."

"You ate the pineapple!?"

"Is something the matter with this pineapple?"

"Do you even realize what that means!? Ugh... Why did you have to go and eat a pineapple?"

"I don't see why you are so worked up."

"You're joking, right?"

"Should I be?"

"When did you start eating it?"

"A few days ago. I saw it in the market and thought to myself, 'I haven't seen one of these since Manehattan,' so I bought it, and it was delicious. The market really should make it available more often."

"..."

"Vinyl... Why are you staring at me like that?"

"You're completely oblivious about pineapples, aren't you?"

"I suppose I am. Would you mind telling me what exactly is going on?"

"Listen. This might come as a shock to you, but you're in horrible danger. A pony should never eat a pineapple."

"Oh, don't worry. Pineapples are perfectly healthy for consumption, and this one was in good condition."

"That's what I'm worried about!"

"What?"

"You know that pineapples carry their seeds internally, right?"

"That's the definition of a fruit. Pineapples are fruits, so they have internal seeds."

"Well, those seeds aren't just seeds."

"Oh really, Miss Scratch? What are they, then?"

"They're actually seeds, if you catch my drift."

"So a seed is actually a seed. Fascinating."

"You aren't getting it. Pineapple seeds aren't just regular seeds. They're... seed. You know, like a stallion's seed?"

"Actually, fruit seeds are more like a mare's eggs than a stallion's, um, seed."

"Not pineapple seeds."

"So what you've been trying to say this entire time is I ate the sperm of a plant, not the egg?"

"That's exactly it!" Octavia lifted a hoof to her forehead and threw her head back.

"Oh, if only I had known! I would have chewed more languidly. Savored the juice a little bit longer. Rolled the succulent flesh around on my tongue a little bit more. Turned the ordeal into a proper affair. It isn't often I get to taste the sweet flavors of male fruit."

"Are you messing with me?"

"Of course. I don't see what difference it makes. A fruit is a fruit."

Vinyl held her hooves together and looked toward the ceiling. "Princess Celestia, is it possible that she really is that dense?"

"What?"

"Haven't you ever noticed how mares that eat pineapple usually find a mate pretty quick?"

"Actually, I haven't seen anypony eating pineapples... Oh, is that what you're worried about? Don't worry, Vinyl. I'm not going to have sex any time soon."

"It's too late for that."

"Come again...?"

"I don't have to. The pineapple's already done that."

"What in Celestia's name are you talking about?"

"You haven't had any weird urges to drink a lot of water recently have you?"

"I drink a lot of water anyways. Standing on one's hind legs for hours a day is difficult for anypony, so I tend to work up a sweat."

"Then it's too late for you. I'm sorry, but you need to find a mate."

"I'm not ready for that kind of commitment. Perhaps someday, but not yet."

"You don't have much choice. If you don't find a mate now, the birth is going to be, well, painful."

"What birth?"

"Your birth."

"Are you calling me fat?"

"You aren't making this easy for me, you know."

"You aren't making any sense."

"Tavi, you're pregnant."

"So you were calling me fat!"

"That's not it at all! In fact, you're one of the most fit mares I've ever seen! You're just one of the most fit mares I've ever seen and pregnant too."

"How can I be pregnant when I haven't been with anypony but myself?"

"And a pineapple."

"And would you please explain what a pineapple has to do with this?"

"When you ate the pineapple, you gave its seeds a free pass to your body. All of your body."

Octavia paused and thought for a long moment.

"Are you implying that, by eating the pineapple, I was actually-"

"Yep."

"And that I'm now-"

"Uh-huh."

"How is that even supposed to work!?"

"Don't ask me about the biology of pineapple/pony shipping!"

"Well, I'm not going to find a mate just because you say I'm somehow impossibly pregnant."

"But you must! If you don't, you'll give birth to a pineapple! Spines and all!"

"Don't be so dramatic. I might spoon a pineapple, but I'm not gonna give something as important as birth to one. Besides, how would mating fix this?"

"There is only one way to force a pineapple's seed apart from a fertilized egg."

"And that is?"

"Multiple violent and extremely satisfying orgasms. The kind only a pony like myself can provide."

"Vinyl, That must be the dumbest-"

"It's true! How do you think Pina Colada got her name? Berry Punch accidentally drank some pineapple seeds one night, so she named the filly after her father!"

"I take it back. THAT'S the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Isn't Pina Colada Berry Punch's sister?"

"When she realized what she had done, she found a stallion with a quickness. I don't think I've ever seen her more sober than at that moment."

"Then it's no wonder if she got pregnant. When you start shagging ponies, you're going to starting making ponies. I, however, have not been with anypony, so there's no rea- OH!"

"What? What happened?"

"I think I felt something poking me inside..."

"Has it progressed that far already!?"

"Oh, the pain!" Octavia wailed. "It's unbearable! Help me before I give birth to a pineapple!"

"Don't worry, Tavi! I'll get you upstairs and cured in no time!"

"Oh please, Vinyl. I'm messing with you, and you know it. It is not possible to become pregnant by eating a pineapple, and even if it were, you can't force two cells apart with a 'violent and extremely satisfying orgasm.'"

"But..."

"No buts. I realized that this is one of your attempts to take me to bed a long time ago."

"...Did it work?" The stove timer rang from behind Octavia.

"You know what? You were so creative that I think you deserve a reward." As Octavia turned around to face the stove, Vinyl's mind echoed the word 'Jackpot'. Octavia placed several cubes of ice into two porcelain cups, then poured the boiling tea over the ice. Then she placed the two cups in front of Vinyl.

"There you go: an extra cup of tea! Don't drink it all in one sip."

"Aww..."