The Best of Octavia and Vinyl

by Moowell

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Slice of Life
Length: 3503

Chapter 6) Peaches. Peaches everywhere.

Enjoy a healthy dose of absurdity in the lives of Vinyl and Tavi! From pineapple pregnancy to string cheese cellos and everything in between, there is never a dull moment between these two musicians.

Originally a one-shot called You ate a Pineapple?!, a few of the readers asked for more, so here you go!

Table of Contents:
1) You ate a Pineapple!? - Turns out that eating pineapples increases a mare's chance of pregnancy to 100%. Bet ya didn't see THAT on the label!
2) Of Cheese and Cellos - Vinyl pitches Tavi the idea of replacing her cello strings with cheese.
3) She. Could. Go. All. The. WAY! - Hoofball '06? Or something else entirely? The first 'normal' chapter.
4) Ocravia and Vinyl Screech Part 1 - Which is harder to master: Live DJ'ing or Symphonic Cello?
5) Vinyl Scratch: Zompony. Vinyl has a secret that Octavia needs to hear.
6) Peaches. Peaches everywhere.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-19 03:34:20 UTC

You ate a Pineapple!?

"Hey there, Tavi!"

"Good afternoon, Vinyl. Please, come inside. I was just about to make some tea."

"Thanks." Octavia allowed Vinyl through the door then walked back toward the kitchen. A few moments later, the clinking of porcelain and the soft thumps of cabinets closing emanated throughout the small apartment.

"Make yourself at home." Octavia place a small pot on the stove and began to boil some water. Then she grabbed several teabags from a box next to the stove.

"Don't mind if I do." Vinyl trotted up to the counter which extended from the wall, sat down on a stool in the front and looked around as Octavia placed the teabags inside the pot. "Hey, your trashcan is full. Want me to take it out for you?"

"I've been meaning to take that out. Thank you." Vinyl moved to take out the bag, but suddenly stopped.

"Wait a second. Is... Is this a pineapple skin?" She pointed to a brown, pointed shell of a recently finished pineapple.

"Is what?" Octavia set the stove's timer, then turned to face Vinyl. "Oh, that.  Yes, I finished it yesterday. I really do need to take the trash out more often."

"You didn't eat it, did you?"

"The skin?"

Vinyl deadpanned. "The pineapple."

"Of course I did."

"You ate a pineapple."

"Indeed, I ate a pineapple."

"You ate the pineapple!?"

"Is something the matter with this pineapple?"

"Do you even realize what that means!? Ugh... Why did you have to go and eat a pineapple?"

"I don't see why you are so worked up."

"You're joking, right?"

"Should I be?"

"When did you start eating it?"

"A few days ago. I saw it in the market and thought to myself, 'I haven't seen one of these since Manehattan,' so I bought it, and it was delicious. The market really should make it available more often."

"..."

"Vinyl... Why are you staring at me like that?"

"You're completely oblivious about pineapples, aren't you?"

"I suppose I am. Would you mind telling me what exactly is going on?"

"Listen. This might come as a shock to you, but you're in horrible danger. A pony should never eat a pineapple."

"Oh, don't worry. Pineapples are perfectly healthy for consumption, and this one was in good condition."

"That's what I'm worried about!"

"What?"

"You know that pineapples carry their seeds internally, right?"

"That's the definition of a fruit. Pineapples are fruits, so they have internal seeds."

"Well, those seeds aren't just seeds."

"Oh really, Miss Scratch? What are they, then?"

"They're actually seeds, if you catch my drift."

"So a seed is actually a seed. Fascinating."

"You aren't getting it. Pineapple seeds aren't just regular seeds. They're... seed. You know, like a stallion's seed?"

"Actually, fruit seeds are more like a mare's eggs than a stallion's, um, seed."

"Not pineapple seeds."

"So what you've been trying to say this entire time is I ate the sperm of a plant, not the egg?"

"That's exactly it!" Octavia lifted a hoof to her forehead and threw her head back.

"Oh, if only I had known! I would have chewed more languidly. Savored the juice a little bit longer. Rolled the succulent flesh around on my tongue a little bit more. Turned the ordeal into a proper affair. It isn't often I get to taste the sweet flavors of male fruit."

"Are you messing with me?"

"Of course. I don't see what difference it makes. A fruit is a fruit."

Vinyl held her hooves together and looked toward the ceiling. "Princess Celestia, is it possible that she really is that dense?"

"What?"

"Haven't you ever noticed how mares that eat pineapple usually find a mate pretty quick?"

"Actually, I haven't seen anypony eating pineapples... Oh, is that what you're worried about? Don't worry, Vinyl. I'm not going to have sex any time soon."

"It's too late for that."

"Come again...?"

"I don't have to. The pineapple's already done that."

"What in Celestia's name are you talking about?"

"You haven't had any weird urges to drink a lot of water recently have you?"

"I drink a lot of water anyways. Standing on one's hind legs for hours a day is difficult for anypony, so I tend to work up a sweat."

"Then it's too late for you. I'm sorry, but you need to find a mate."

"I'm not ready for that kind of commitment. Perhaps someday, but not yet."

"You don't have much choice. If you don't find a mate now, the birth is going to be, well, painful."

"What birth?"

"Your birth."

"Are you calling me fat?"

"You aren't making this easy for me, you know."

"You aren't making any sense."

"Tavi, you're pregnant."

"So you were calling me fat!"

"That's not it at all! In fact, you're one of the most fit mares I've ever seen! You're just one of the most fit mares I've ever seen and pregnant too."

"How can I be pregnant when I haven't been with anypony but myself?"

"And a pineapple."

"And would you please explain what a pineapple has to do with this?"

"When you ate the pineapple, you gave its seeds a free pass to your body. All of your body."

Octavia paused and thought for a long moment.

"Are you implying that, by eating the pineapple, I was actually-"

"Yep."

"And that I'm now-"

"Uh-huh."

"How is that even supposed to work!?"

"Don't ask me about the biology of pineapple/pony shipping!"

"Well, I'm not going to find a mate just because you say I'm somehow impossibly pregnant."

"But you must! If you don't, you'll give birth to a pineapple! Spines and all!"

"Don't be so dramatic. I might spoon a pineapple, but I'm not gonna give something as important as birth to one. Besides, how would mating fix this?"

"There is only one way to force a pineapple's seed apart from a fertilized egg."

"And that is?"

"Multiple violent and extremely satisfying orgasms. The kind only a pony like myself can provide."

"Vinyl, That must be the dumbest-"

"It's true! How do you think Pina Colada got her name? Berry Punch accidentally drank some pineapple seeds one night, so she named the filly after her father!"

"I take it back. THAT'S the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Isn't Pina Colada Berry Punch's sister?"

"When she realized what she had done, she found a stallion with a quickness. I don't think I've ever seen her more sober than at that moment."

"Then it's no wonder if she got pregnant. When you start shagging ponies, you're going to starting making ponies. I, however, have not been with anypony, so there's no rea- OH!"

"What? What happened?"

"I think I felt something poking me inside..."

"Has it progressed that far already!?"

"Oh, the pain!" Octavia wailed. "It's unbearable! Help me before I give birth to a pineapple!"

"Don't worry, Tavi! I'll get you upstairs and cured in no time!"

"Oh please, Vinyl. I'm messing with you, and you know it. It is not possible to become pregnant by eating a pineapple, and even if it were, you can't force two cells apart with a 'violent and extremely satisfying orgasm.'"

"But..."

"No buts. I realized that this is one of your attempts to take me to bed a long time ago."

"...Did it work?" The stove timer rang from behind Octavia.

"You know what? You were so creative that I think you deserve a reward." As Octavia turned around to face the stove, Vinyl's mind echoed the word 'Jackpot'. Octavia placed several cubes of ice into two porcelain cups, then poured the boiling tea over the ice. Then she placed the two cups in front of Vinyl.

"There you go: an extra cup of tea! Don't drink it all in one sip."

"Aww..."

Of Cheese and Cellos

"Welcome back. Did you bring the pizza?"

"Pizza? I thought you wanted take-out!" Vinyl held up a small bag for Octavia to examine.

"Vinyl, I gave you a note. How can you confuse '1 four-cheese pizza' with, let's see... '2 egg rolls, 2 cups of broccoli, 2 buckets of rice and a 4-bit donut on the side?'" Octavia lifted her eyes to meet Vinyl's.

"...Bad hoofwriting?"

"You can't be serious."

"You know me too well. Here you go, Tavi." Vinyl's horn glowed and a small boxed pizza floated into Octavia's hooves.

"Thank you. Ah, It smells wonderful." Octavia closed the door and walked with Vinyl to the kitchen counter before opening her box and grinning at the pie.

"Know what else smells wonderful?"

"What?"

"Teen spirit." Octavia groaned.

"For the hundredth time, no."

"Tavi, it would sound amazing! We'll record it in the studio and make enough bits to pay next month's pizza bill." Vinyl chewed into her egg rolls.

"Hmph. I don't think playing that particular song will pay for the extra cheese, so I guess I'll just have to cut back a bit. Owmph."

"The way you consume pizza, don't you mean a lot?"

"No, I mean a bit," Octavia replied after swallowing a particularly large piece of cheese. "Exactly 1 bit to be precise. Just enough to stop you from tripling our expenses with your take-out alone."

"Aww, Tavi. I'm hurting on the inside."

"You always are after eating the egg rolls."

"Oh, speaking of bits and ways to make sure we have enough to pay for food, I thought up this great idea while I was waiting for the pizza!"

"Hmm?"

"Well, I know how you love cheese."

"Of course. I was raised to enjoy the finer things in life, including cheese."

"Yea, yea. Anyways, I also know you really like to play music."

"Where are you going with this?"

"You know how we've been looking for ways of making some extra money? Well this is the jackpot: String. Cheese."

"..."

"What do you think? You can advertise with your cello!"

"Go die."

"Oh, come on, Tavi!"

"Vinyl, you have no idea how badly I want to throttle you right now."

"It would be beyond cool, and you know it."

"No, it wouldn't be 'beyond cool'! I have no intention of stringing my cello with cheese."

"Just think! It's concert night, and you just finished playing an exhausting piece, but you didn't bring any snacks. Don't worry, because you can just eat the strings right off your cello! It could go over really well!"

"About as well as edible electricity, I'm sure."

"Already been done."

"Really?"

"What do you think Bon Bon does with all the extra sour after cooking her candies?"

"That's not actual electricity..."

"You wouldn't say that after you woke up with your face in drool and a slew of pictures of you spasming all over the floor."

"Have you experienced this?"

"Not talking about my escapades, Tavi. We're talking about yours. String cheese. You can make it happen. If it makes you happy, we'll only replace one string. Maybe the big middle one, so you can skip around it if you really don't want to use it when you play."

"I am NOT letting you replace my G-string with mozzarella."

"I was thinking more along the lines of cheddar. It's both cheaper and more popular."

"The answer is NO, Vinyl!"

"But Taviiiiii..."

"Don't you 'but Tavi' me! If you get anywhere near my cello with the stuff, I'll do unspeakable things to you with a pineapple."

"Fine... I still think it would be awesome..."

"Trust me, it isn't 'awesome'."

"And how would you know, huh!? Have you ever tried equipping your cello with string cheese!?"

"..."

"By Celestia's beard, you have..."

"I'd rather not talk about it."

"You actually tried this? I was just pulling your chain, but to think you, the great Octavia Philharmonica-"

"It was a long time ago, okay? I was just a filly, and I thought it was a good idea at the time."

"All the details. Now."

"Absolutely not! I would like to keep some semblance of dignity."

"You can have all the dignity you want. Just do it in private, where I don't have to see it."

"Ugh... It was my second concert. I was tuning my cello when one of the strings snapped, I forget which one. Unfortunately I had recently restrung my instrument, and I hadn't replaced the spares yet."

"Why didn't you just go on with three strings?"

"Vinyl, did you just suggest blasphemy?"

"Uh... Maybe?"

"One does not simply begin a concert without the proper number of strings. If a string breaks during the performance, then it can be seen as passion, but to start with anything less than 100% readiness is... is..."

"Better than using string cheese?"

"As I said, I was young and foalish. I had no way of knowing cheese was never intended for such activity."

"What happened?"

"Well, I only had three strings, and I thought I was going to miss the concert because of it. That's when I remembered I had some string cheese left over from lunch. It was nice and warm and easy to mold in my hooves, so I stretched it out and tuned it as best as I could before walking onto the stage."

"Did it work?"

"Put mildly, the sound quality was... off."

"And if you put it bluntly?"

"You really want me to explain the timbre of a line of cheese?"

"All. The. Details. How well did it work?"

"If by 'work' you mean 'allow me to play the correct pitch' then it was passable, but like I said earlier, the quality was off. Instead of being somber and mysterious, like the composition called for, it sounded more like a career-ending bowel movement."

"Like what those pizzas do to you after you finish them?"

"Something similar, only with less grace and more pitch control."

"So if I hypothetically replaced all of your strings with mozzarella cheese just before a concert, and you hypothetically couldn't replace them, would you willingly play Beethoofen's 5th in raunchy fart? Hypothetically speaking, of course."

"Hypothetically speaking, yes. I have never missed a concert, and even if it ended my career, I wouldn't miss that one. However, should this completely hypothetical event actually take place, then for the following month, you will find your power supply limited to Bon Bon's sours, your knobs replaced by cheese wheels and your buttons by cubed cheddar, and your entire music library swapped with a mozzarella cello's rendition of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star."

"It will be worth it."

Vinyl Scratch: Zompony

Ocravia and Vinyl Screech Part 1

"Deck!"

"Cello!"

"DECK!"

"CELLO!"

"All you have to do is pull some hair across a wire and you've got music. That's not hard at all!"

"Have you even touched a stringed instrument? It's more than just bowing and hoping the notes come out right. All you have to do is punch a button or two and let a pre-made track play itself!"

"Are you kidding me?! There's a hundred buttons and dials to focus on, and they all need constant attention at the same time! Only amateurs let a track do the work for them!"

"And only foals merely pull a bow and call it music."

"You have no idea how much technical expertise it takes to remix a track on the fly and have the sound come out right."

"You have no idea the amount of precision it takes to make a cello sound good, much less symphony quality."

"I bet you it's harder to get good at DJ'ing than cello!"

"It requires constant practice to reach an acceptable level of mediocrity with the cello, even for Unicorns. To become good, much less expert, requires years of consistency. The first months of practice using a stringed instrument are brutal on everypony's ears. On the other hoof, even amateurs can use a pre-made track and still be called a DJ."

"A radio DJ, maybe. But a live DJ like me? We have to know every song we're working with, the sensitivity of every dial, every effect we're able to use and their exact positions on the deck, and the tastes of the audience we're performing for, and that combination is different every time!"

"Why don't we just agree to disagree, hmm? It's obvious that this conversation is going nowhere."

"Fine!"

"Fine."

"..."

"..."

"This is really bugging me, Tavi, and I bet you feel the same way."

"As much as I hate to admit it, you're right."

"There's only one way to solve this."

"We will need some ground rules."

"Alright. One year sound good for a time limit?"

"Two. One is hardly enough when dealing with art."

"Alright, two years. What else?"

"No magic."

"I was afraid you were gonna say that."

"If we're going to do this, it needs to be on even grounds."

"Yeah, yeah. Outside expertise?"

"Unnecessary. We can do that ourselves with a proper schedule."

"What if something comes up and one of us can't make it?"

"Then you may call in a tutor for the day or hold an extra session. However, that doesn't mean that you can skip whenever you please."

"What do you take me for? A truant?"

"Vinyl, do you really want me to answer that?"

"No. So two years of tutoring each other, and no magic. Anything else?"

"Just the starting date. Shall we say, a week from Monday?"

"Deal. You're going down, Tavi."

"Are you willing to wager on that? Say, a month of indentured servitude?"

"A month of getting you to do pretty much whatever I want?"

"Or vice versa."

"Deal."

Peaches

"Hey. Hey Tavi."

"What is it, Vinyl?"

"I found this peach at the-"

"Don't even go there."

She. Could. Go. All. The. Way!

"Here it comes."

"Not if I can help it."

"Oh. Oh! OH, there it is!"

"Not yet, it isn't!"

"She."

"No."

"Could."

"No no no no no!"

"Go."

"Hurry up, hurry up!"

"All!"

"Come on! Get there!"

"The!"

"No, not yet!"

"Way!"

"NOOOOO!"

"SCOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!"

"I was so close, too!"

"In your FACE, Tavi! In. Your. Face!"

"Rub it in, Vinyl. Rub it in."

"If you insist. Oh yea! Oh yea! Who's the greatest? Vinyl Scratch is, that's who!"

"Don't you worry, Miss Scratch. The game isn't over yet, and there is still plenty of time for this mare to make a comeback."

"Oh please, Tavi. You think you can handle this for another 10 minutes? I've always been better at this!"

"I have never quit because things weren't in my favor. And I have always come out the better for it."

"Indeed you have. Let's go then, but don't expect me to go easy on you!"

"I don't. It will make my win that much sweeter."

"Bring it on!"

The two mares struggled back and forth, each trying to achieving dominance. The mock battle went on for several minutes, but toward the end, it began to slowly shift in Octavia's favor.

"What the?! When did you get such good reflexes?"

"I've been practicing, Vinyl. Now eat the fruits of my labor!"

"I-it's not over yet!"

"Oh, I think it is, Vinyl. The end is so very near. And it will be my victory!"

"I can still hold out for a few more seconds...!"

"I don't think so!"

"Five. Four."

"Just a little more..."

"Three! Two!

"This is it!"

"OOOOOOOOOONE!"

Ocravia and Vinyl Screech Part 1

Vinyl Scratch: Zompony

"Tavi, we need to talk."

"Alright, give me a moment." Octavia stirred the last spoonful of sugar into her tea, then gave it a sip. "Ah, that's good. Now, what is it you want to talk about?"

"I have a question to ask you."

"Then ask it."

"What would you think if, say, I told you I was a zompony?"

"A zompony."

"Yep."

"Why do you ask?"

"Because you look delicious right now."

"Ugh... Vinyl-"

"I'm serious. I would totally eat you."

"Like a zompony?"

"If you let me." Vinyl leered at Octavia.

"But if a zompony bites a normal pony, doesn't that pony become a zompony too?"

"Sure! Then we'd be zombuddies!"

"I... see. Well, if you told me you were a zompony, I would probably think you were being very silly. You're obviously more of a vampony."

Vinyl paused. "A vampony?"

"Indeed. One look at your perfectly white coat and beautiful red eyes and anypony would be fooled. All you need now are the fangs." Octavia took another sip of her tea.

"Fangs, huh? You mean, like these?" Vinyl opened up her jaws to reveal four sharp protrusions among her otherwise flat toothline.

"Exactly like that, actually."

"Well, tough. Tonight I'm a zompony, and I'm gonna eat you up!"

"Oh, you don't want to eat me tonight."

"But you look so scrumptious..."

"I had to give all my candy to Nightmare Moon yesterday. Without any candy, I will be bitter going down."

"Well, what about tomorrow night?"

"Tomorrow's the full moon, right?"

"Yeah."

"Very well, then. You may try to eat me tomorrow."

"What does the full moon have to do with anything?"

"Oh, nothing. Nothing at all."