School Daze

I was pulled out of my stupor when the intercom buzzed and I was beckoned into the inner sanctum of the educational bureaucracy. I walked past the desk and I was  ready to push open that door with  ‘Educational Conduct Principal’ on the wood like a death sentence.

The principal was sitting behind his desk reading Playcolt. Typical stallions. I internally groaned since I knew that that publication didn’t cater to my demographic. He was a tall, bony stallion that probably didn’t have a marefriend in high school and this caused him to become a stuffy , old principal. He was wearing a white collar uniform and I waited for the horse shoe to drop.

“Take a seat, Babs.”

I took a seat and put on my tough mare face. I had a decent one because of the shit that I had to deal with. So I learned it from being a bad seed from a good family. I couldn’t see any birds outside and that made me nervous, I  loved when there were birds- they calmed me down.

He set down his fun rag and stared at me. I stared back. I looked at his cluttered desk. It was a telling look into him. He had a picture of his family. A chunky wife and two kids. A pegasus and an unicorn. Genetics are weird. Especially that he was an earth pony. Must be some ancestor or some shit.

“I have Head Case’s report on your mental state. He called you highly disturbed and holding a belief that you were slighted by society. He wants you to go to the mental hospital. After what happened to your physics professor...I agree with him.”

“So when’s Theoretical Proof coming back.”

“Next month at the earliest.”

I sat back in my chair and grinned. “Isn’t that great? I didn’t kill him.”

Mr.Principal just stared back. “Did you want to?”

“Nope. He was just a casualty of misplaced aggression.”

He pulled up his chair and began his rant. “I don’t understand. Babs, you are throwing away your future. If you leave this office, I will send you to the mental hospital. Not because I want to but because I am obligated to. There was one incident years ago where a student almost killed a mare with his bare hooves and he just said that she dumped him. I don’t understand ponies like you.” He shook his head.

“Don’t lose sleep over it. I know I haven’t.”

“But why, Babs? He was in a coma for three weeks and had a minor stroke”

I stopped him. ‘“Why is Head Case’s question. You just want to make me feel some sort of remorse and have a nice moral lesson tied into it. Maybe a twenty-two minute sermon on the evils of harming others. But I am tired. Tired of this shitty school and its time for me to take back my life.He survived. I’m doing backflips Do what you want to do. But don’t try to understand my mind cause it is a fool’s errand.”

“But-”

“I’m going to tell you one thing, so listen,” He waited like a good little colt waiting for a piece of candy. “I’m sick of all this Ponyville shit. I’m tired about you teachers thinking I am a bad pony but I am most tired with your sermons. I am not sane. I guessed that when I was young, but you don’t have to shove in your pseudoscience and cart me away. I am warning you for the last time- you are your cronies are not ready for me to go off the deep end.” I was screaming my head off. He just groaned.

“I am given the right by the country to be qualified and I agree with Head Case on this. You don’t understand what you did in that classroom. You are disturbed.”

You are disturbed, crazy, insane, bonkers. off the deep end, in the funny farm.

The buffalo slit the ears...ownership. Get it on. Babs you are not getting it on.

I saw the Dark Thing come out of my head and it began munching on the principal’s head like a candy bar. I was absurdly calm, like when the Dark Thing came out and brained the teacher with the wrench. It wasn’t my fault. It was the victim’s fault. They were the ones who pushed my buttons. I wanted to fly like a bird. I was chill and ready to walk out after I crushed this obstacle in my way to getting it on.

“Go to Tartarus and buck off.”

He set down my file. The File of Unnatural Events and the Case of Babs Seed. He just stared at me in shock. “What did you just say?”

“Tartarus. Let your bones rot and your flesh fly off those bones and feed the three headed dog. I don’t care. Any crazies in your family?”

“I will not fall for your tricks, Babs. I won’t have-”

“Sexual deviancy in this office.” I finished for him and I motioned my hoof in a jerking motion. That got to him for some reason. Prude. “No, daddy don’t touch me there. That is a no-no. But if you want I could do it to you. You would like that wouldn’t you? First one to orgasm loses.”

“Wh-”

“Are you even listening to me? Get one has to get it on and mess up someone’s life. You’ve messed with mine and I’m tired. Tired of this orgiastic experience that you teachers call an education. You’ve made yourself into my judge, jury, and executioner. What do you want me to say? That I’m sorry that I’ve turned out this way? You know I’m the most exciting thing that’s walked these halls.”

He was staring at me like I was crazy. Which at this point I guess I was. He wanted me to shut up because it was an unspoken rule in education. Never let the child have a nonconformist thought and kill all joy in the child’s life. Or something like that. He must have been going along with the show like how most people dealt with madness. Just humor the crazies.

“Babs-”

“Sir, I’m tired of being part of an orgy. Be a bucking stallion for Celestia’s sake or if you can’t do that- be a principal.”

“Shut up, you delinquent.” he yelled. His cheeks were anger-tinged and he angrily stared at me. “You are lucky you live in Equestria. You know that? The Gryphons send their delinquents on a walk to the death. The minotaurs would torture you. The Changelings would use you as food. Canterlot would throw you in prison or a reform school. But Ponyville has just let you be. You-”

“Thanks”

He stared at me, not comprehending what he just did. His green eyes just looked blankly at me; partly because he just realized what he said.

“For treating me like a pony for once and not a number. Even if I had to swear at you to get you on my level. As Head Case would say- progress” I crossed my legs in a relaxed stance plus I didn’t want to show that I might have got off on his yelling fit. I lost my game. Boo hoo. “Want to talk about your time in Canterlot University when you and your friends had saddle raids while you were learning how to deal with ponies like me?”

“Your mind and mouth is filthy.” He coldly said.

“Buck you, you plothead.” I maniacally laughed at his anger. If I was a Changeling I would feed off anger. It was just an art to piss ponies off.

He rose up like a dragon. His face was beet-red and full of capital r Rage and I loved looking at his mind. His unhinged feral mind that hid behind a calm exterior. Maybe everypony has a bit of crazy. I’m just the poster girl for being insane. Think about that for a second.He grabbed my saddlebags in anger and almost ripped one of my bags in half. Good thing he didn’t rip the other one because that held a special surprise I would use later.

“You punk. You need to show respect.”

“I could show you my love hole and you would lap up its juices like a dog. A filthy dog.” I said. “Tell your buddy right here about the saddle raids. Did you get in the lesbian house? That place has some real shit that I would love to use right now.”

He let go and shook his hoof as if struck. “Get out of my office.” he said quietly. “Get all your books, turn them in, and never come back. You're going to stay in the mental hospital. Don’t worry about the Apple Family- I’ll explain it all to Applejack. Get out and stay out.”

I got up, tousled my hair, ripped my bag open, and rubbed my legs in my juices. I ran out crying fake tears into the outer office. Ponzi and the receptionist-Raindrops, I think- were laughing about some adult joke and both looked shocked when I staggered out. They must have found a way to tune us out. Maybe a muffle spell or a sound bubble. Something simple, but effective.

“You better see him. We were just happily talking about saddle raids and then he tried to rape me.” I smiled on the inside as I turned to look at the husk of my former principal.

I crushed the obstacle. I would be a terror in the business world, because I played him like an instrument and he fell for it. He was so close to retirement, maybe ten years or so, and I probably just made him take an early one. He tried to grab me but I swerved away at the last moment making him accidentally touch my flank. He was silent and his face held a fury, guilt, and confusion. He was done.

I smiled sweetly at the receptionist. “Maybe you could get this out of his system “ I looked at Educational Conduct for the last time. “Saddle raids.” and winked.

Then I walked through the doors to the rest of the school. I fixed my hair and shifted my saddlebags so they fell across my hip instead of dragging on the floor. The old stallion was a great announcer of school news: sports scores, lunch menus, the conference times. But I accused him of what he tried to accuse me of. Maybe he thought I was going to go gracefully and end my three and a half years at Ponyville High with a review of Playcolt. But the business with me, Theoretical Proof and all that, had not prepared him for my irrational ace in the hole. That was meant for those scraps of insanity that you hid with the dirty books and drugs in your closet. He was frozen. None of his instructors in Ed 211-B.S: Dealing with a Psycho  had told him about me.

And he was going to be pissed at me. I waited for him to come out and grab me. I wanted to be sent to Tartarus because it was better than here. I never had salvation so I wanted to fly away to the sun and get burned. All I ever wanted was to be treated like a pony and not a number...or be dragged behind the barn and killed. He didn’t move. I hummed tunelessly again and went to get it on.