Ponyloid-ism

by Syringed

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random, Adventure, Crossover, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other
Length: 9808

Join Hatsune Miku as she cries, laughs, and gets the crap kicked outta her in the land of all things pony.

Hatsune Miku is bored. What does she do? She surfs the waves of the Internet, and things get quite out of hand, or, for a more fitting term, hoof.

Through the powers of leeks, stupidity, and godly adorableness, she gets sent to the odd land of all things pony, where she laughs, cries, gets angry, and gets the crap thoroughly kicked outta her.

Published 2013-08-07 21:20:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-15 18:40:49 UTC

Part 1-1: TASTE THE RAINBOW (Edited some more)

Ponyloid-ism

By: Syringed

An extremely bored Miku Hatsune was sitting in the middle of her dark bedroom, with a Windows laptop sitting in her lap, and a giant tub of leek-flavored ice cream sitting a few inches away. She leaned on the table, holding her head up with her wrist. A small stream of drool flowed from her mouth, down her arm, and collected into a small puddle on the table.

Having just beaten the last video game she had on her laptop, she was officially completely out of things to do.

It has been months, since Master had last used her program, Vocaloid 2.0. 8 months, 3 weeks, 2 days, and 31 minutes since her program was last used. She counted.

Now who was this Master that she spoke of? Well, he was her user, her producer, the one who supplied the music she sang so gracefully. Whatever he was doing, it wasn't involving her, or her singing talents.

As a result, life had decayed to simply “Wake up, eat, practice singing, play a video game, sleep.” It was pathetic, boring, plain, and, in a way, it wasn't living it all. It’s not like the Vocaloid program actually generated a proper world for her to live in. As a matter of fact, the world stopped generating after about 5 miles, and it’s not like she lived within five miles of any major Japanese city.

She literally went to every one of the few stores in the vicinity, and bought at least several hundred thousand virtual yens worth of merchandise, and the only clothing store in the vicinity didn’t have its clothing lines updated as the months went by. As the fashionistas say, those clothes were SO last week!

Miku also played and beat literally every video game she had in her possession. Yes, even the Impossible Game. Even worse, most of the other Vocaloids lived past the five mile boundary. The only one that did was Neru and she spent all her time diddling away on her blasted iPhone.

“Totemo taikutsu datta…” She muttered, eating another spoonful of leek ice cream. Only thing left to do is to derp around on the Internet.

She opened Internet Explorer, and opened three tabs on the browser: Tumblr, Youtube, and a site with images of people committing lewd acts.

No, you didn’t read that wrong. She was watching porn. The fact that cute and innocent Hatsune Miku was watching porn shocks even us, the writers.

But we can partially blame loneness on this, and we can also blame Master for being an ass-hat by ignoring her.

But, a girl has needs, right?

And don’t be so quick to pass judgment on her for committing such a lewd and heinous act, because in at least one point in our lives, we have done the exact same thing. Don’t try to look so innocent.

After sufficiently satisfying herself and sufficiently cleansing herself, Miku closed the tab filled with things completely inappropriate for a story as such. She then cleared her history, as such an act as she just committed was taboo in society. Plus it would destroy, or at least damage her reputation. It is sad actually, to see people so focused on personal appearance. Plus, she's a virtual pop star, no one should actually give a damn.

But that is not what matters right now.

She then switched to the Tumblr tab. Why Tumblr? Because there was always images of her in outfits that made her look absolutely stunning/adorable/desirable. It was a decent source of entertainment. Plus a few of them were outfits that she would kill for. Hopefully she won’t actually kill to get them, because what would we ever do withthe epitome of graceful cuteness and voca music that is Hatsune Miku sitting in prison on the charges of third degree murder.

Any who, she proceeded to log in, typing her email address, her password, and her username which was completely and utterly inconspicuous: “TehSexyMiku01”.

Moving her cursor to the top of the page, she typed in her name, and pressed enter. She was eager to find new images of herself. Waiting with bated breath, she watched the page loading, pixel by pixel.

And the first image that showed up. Under it, the label 'r34' was present in big red letters.

It was just the first image anyways, it not like all people posted on tumblr was porno.

She waited for the entire page to load. As each image loaded one by one, each and every single one had the label 'r34' under it.

Now for the sake of the children, there shall be no descriptions of these lewd images.

As the rules of the Internet say, “There is porn of it, no exceptions.” Emphasis on NO EXCEPTIONS.

“No, no, no, no!” Miku shouted.

She shook her head back and forth, her teal pigtails swinging wildly. What did she expect? Everyone knows the rules of the Internet. Even Black Jesus knew of the rules of the Internet and he didn’t even have Wi-Fi.

She had just watched porn and then is embarrassed by some more porn. Hypocrisy.

Any who, she slammed her left index finger on the control key, and her right index finger on the 'w' key. Her teal laptop bounced around in response to her manic attempts to close the tab filled with rather embarrassing images. Then a window popped up.

Internet Explorer is not responding.

“Dono you najigoku desu!?” She screamed. She threw her arms into the air and let out a scream of rage. She then slammed her head against the table in front of her.

Exhibit A everyone, why you shouldn’t use Internet Explorer.

In a last ditch attempt to rid herself of the humiliating images, she slammed her fist on the power button of her laptop. She held it there, putting more and more of her weight on the power button. Finally, the screen went black.

She let out her breath in relief.

Miku pressed the power button again, letting the computer start back up again.

Learning from her mistake, she moved her cursor pass the sobbing icon of Internet Explorer and to the smirking multi-colored sphere of Google Chrome.

Once Chrome was open, she typed in youtube.com in the address bar, and pressed enter.

She decided to check out the home page of Youtube, just to check what was hot right now. Her finger scrolled down the wheel of her teal mouse.

There was nothing particularly interesting, other than a trailer for the new Halo game, and a trailer for another one-word Disney movie. Nothing caught the eye of the 16 year old pop star.

She scrolled down the page some more, and one video did catch her eye.

It was simply named ‘MLP: Diarrhea is Shit.’

Miku giggled at the ridiculous name of the video. She moved her mouse towards the video's thumbnail, and clicked on it. The familiar dotted circle of Youtube appeared on the page.

While she waited for the video to buffer, she looked at the date of which the video was uploaded. There was no date. Odd. She looked at the name of the channel in which it was uploaded. There was no channel name. Oddilicious.

Miku knew something was wrong, she could smell it, but then the video finished buffering and an image of six cartoonish Technicolor characters appeared.

The characters were equine in body shape. Each had its own color scheme, differing in body colors, mane styles, and eye color. Each also had its own symbol on its flank, representing something completely unknown to her.

Before Miku could dwell on the fact that something was fishy about this video, she realized one fact about these characters. They. Were. Adorable.

She squealed in extreme fangirl fashion.

“Korer no poniichan ha totemo kawaii!” She held her sleeved arms to her chest, and turned her body left and right. It almost looked like an abridged version of stretching your back, but still managed to look rather adorable on her.

All of a sudden, the images of the ponies disappeared, and replacing the image was a bag of Skittles.

“Desu ka…Skittles?” She asked herself, wondering why the images transitioned so suddenly.

Suddenly, her entire computer screen was filled with the rainbow colored, juicy, delightful candies. They burst out of the Youtube video, flowing out onto her computer screen, and finally, with a shower of crystalline liquid, the Skittles flew out of the screen like little rockets, little tails of deliciousness trailing like comet tails.

They completely engulfed Miku, while in the distance she could hear a voice yelling, “Taste the Rainbow Motherfucka!!!”

In any other situation, the phrase would be extremely out of place, and the speaker of the phrase would probably be deemed a whack-ass. She didn't know what symbolic meaning the phrase had, or why some mystical being was shouting in the first place.

The delicious candies began to glow their respective colors. It began with little steaks of purple, red and green orbiting around Miku at impossible speeds. But the candies' brightness increased in proportion to their swift increase in speed.

Soon, the little candies lost their visible color, and morphed into one giant cloud of blinding white. Miku shut her eyes tight, and even through her eyelids, she could feel the bright lights burn into her eyes.

Then somehow, amidst the bright lights, she blacked out.

Warm.

It feels warm.

Why does it feel warm?

Did Miku accidentally burn herself in the shower again? I wouldn't be surprised if she did.

No, this was heat from sunlight. How could it be sunlight? As far as she knew, she was inside her bedroom.

Miku slowly opened her eyes.

It was bright. Brighter than that one time Neru tried her flashlight app on her.

“Desu ka…nani kore?” She muttered, both annoyed and confused. She opened her eyes once more, slowly letting the sunlight into her eyes. She blinked several times, images of the sun and several puffy clouds slowly becoming clearer.

It was tranquil, and quiet. One could just lie there for hours, and just think about life, the Universe, and everything.

Out of nowhere, the face of a small yellow horse with a red mane wearing a matching red bow filled her vision.

“Ya’ll alright?” The little filly asked. There was concern evident in her voice.

Miku blinked, ever so slowly.

“Desu ka…kore ponii?” She asked herself, not believing what her sense of vision was detecting.

“Sorry, but I don’t understand what you are saying. Did you say…day-sew cah?” the filly asked.

Now there were several facts that one could, and would, notice right of the bat, like this little horse was talking, but of course, Miku decided to notice the most insignificant fact that one could notice. That fact was that this little filly was the most adorable thing that she had ever seen.

Big. Motherfucking. Deal.

She squealed in the most obnoxious fangirl voice that has ever been heard and threw her arms around the little filly. She then squeezed, with the power of a trash compacter squeezing down on a giant plushie. A few painful sounding cracks were heard here and there, but they were swiftly disregarded by the high levels of cuteness emanating from the little filly.

“Ponii-chan! Ponii-chan! Ponii-chan! Ponii-chan kawaii!!” Miku squealed over and over again in complete admiration of the adorable little filly.

Now we get that ponies are rather cute, but really, there are more important things to attend to at the moment.

...

Miku?

...

Fine. Continue.

Said filly, however, could not return the favor as she was currently getting the life squeezed out of her.

“Ah…can’t…breathe…” Applebloom rasped. She gasped and wheezed, but failed to get any of that precious oxygen into her system. As blackness started to fill Applebloom's vision, a pale blue replaced the red in her face.

Miku, however, did not notice the filly she was hugging, if you could call whatever that is hugging, was turning a pale sort of blue. Instead she noticed her arms were no longer what one would actually call arms.

They were white stumps, like thick leeks. At the tips, she could recognize hooves.

Her left eye twitched ever so slightly, and the left side of her mouth curled up, giving her the look of a madman. Well, a madmare would be the more correct term for the current situation.

“…Watashino, ponii?” She said, her mind not able to wrap around the fact that she was no longer what the scientists would call 'homo-sapiens'.

In typical teenage girl fashion, she burst into tears and fell to the ground, sobbing pathetically. She slammed her hooves against the soft grass, wailing “Watashino ponii!” over and over again.

Hormones. They will ruin lives.

Meanwhile, Applebloom had recovered from her asphyxiation, and was currently attempting to stand without aggravating her sore ribs even more.

She did notice the little scene that was unfolding in front of her as she was standing up.

Applebloom just stood there, unsure of how to tackle the situation. Wailing in front of her was a white teenage unicorn with long teal pigtails slamming her hooves against the ground like a five year old having a temper tantrum.

“Ah’m gonna have a hard time explaining this to Applejack…” Applebloom thought grimly. “And even worse, Ah can’t even understand what this crazy mare is sayin’.”

Author's Note

Got this "brilliant" idea after falling asleep while playing Triple Baka on infinite replay.

Feedback plox.

Part 1-2: This is Miku, and WELCOME TO JACKASS (Edited)

Ponyloid-ism

By: Syringed

To anyone who just happened to be walking by Sweet Apple Acres, they may have seen the rather odd sight of a small struggling yellow filly dragging a bawling white unicorn by the tail.

Meanwhile, Applebloom was starting to really get irritated at the strange unicorn’s high pitched sobbing. With an agitated sigh, she dropped her long teal tail and looked towards the farmhouse. Judging from the fact that the farmhouse looked about the size of her hoof, it looked about two acres away.

Two bucking acres away. God dammit.

Applebloom groaned, and stared back at the sniffling pony. Said pony was now curled into the fetal position, rocking back and forth.

Applebloom could now actually take a good look at the unicorn without her thrashing about like a dumb drunkard. She was white, as white as cocaine. Atop her head was a blanket of teal hair, tied into two ankle-long pigtails by a pair of square shaped hair bands. Oddly enough, the hairbands looked at though they did not even touch the mare's mane.

Applebloom wondered how the hairbands could hold the hair in place, without even touching the hair itself. Maybe they were made out of metal, and there were magnets in her hair. Or maybe it was some whack-ass magical thing that the Amaricans invented.

Back to the sniffling unicorn, she had strange black sleeves with one giant rectangle screen installed on each one. As of now, they were blank, but Applebloom made a few guesses on what these screens were used for.

“Maybe Ah can watch movies on them! Ah could go around giving people a show for a small fee!” Applebloom gushed as she was completely oblivious to the obvious innuendo that had just left her mouth.

Lastly, on the unicorn’s flank, was two numbers: 0 and 1, sitting side by side. The two numbers meant absolutely nothing to Applebloom, then again, it wasn’t her cutie mark, and one couldn’t really understand what another’s cutie mark meant without them telling.

After a full examination of the unicorn, Applebloom deducted that this unicorn was not from around these parts.

Meanwhile, high above the clouds, Black Jesus was watching the amusing scene playing before him on his 110” plasma TV. The obviousness of Applebloom’s statement made him want to palm his face.

“No really!? The fact that she was speaking in another language didn’t give it away you dumb bitch!?” He yelled, throwing his holy popcorn into the holy air.

Ahem.

Anywho, Applebloom noticed that the unicorn had stopped sniffling. She looked closer, and noticed that the unicorn’s sobbing heaves stopped and was replaced with a slow steady breathing. Her eyes were closed, and there was a rather adorable look of peacefulness on her face.

Miku had fallen asleep, completely spent from throwing a tantrum.

“At least she won’t be thrashing about this time…”

The final two acres to the Apples’ house was the longest two acres Applebloom ever traveled, thanks to the unicorn currently sleeping on the floor of the kitchen.

Whoever she was, she was pretty heavy for someone her size. Perhaps she was one of those body builders who spent all their time taking drugs and downing revolting protein drinks. Or maybe she was just fat and didn’t show it.

Here's another valid idea. Applebloom does not lift.

When Applebloom brought the sleeping unicorn into the house, reactions to Miku by the Apples were mixed.

Applebloom's older sister, Applejack didn’t exactly react well to the newcomer. She kept ranting on about bringing complete strangers into her house and stomped upstairs yelling about how they’ll drink all her ‘special apple jack’.

On the other hoof, her big brother, Big Mac was a lot more accommodating for their guest. In fact, he moved his entire breakfast, containing hay waffles, hay pancakes, several bananas and half a gallon of apple juice, to the living room for Miku to sleep on. On the downside he had to endure the senile Granny Smith watching him like a hawk.

Or it was because he found Miku really hot, and as a single and rather horny stallion, was desperate for female companionship.

Whatever it was, Applebloom did have a feeling that it was the latter, because as they were lifting Miku onto the dining table, Big Mac had a glazed look on his face, and a drop of drool fell from his mouth.

Meanwhile…

“Ship it! Ship it! Ship it!” Black Jesus chanted as he made another batch of holy popcorn.

Currently, Applebloom was sitting at the dining table, watching and waiting for Miku to wake up, eager to find out who this strange pony was.

Not creepy at all.

She sat there.

And sat there.

Applebloom leaned on the table, holding her head up with her right hoof.

A sudden dry feeling passed through her mouth. She stood up, and walked to the sink.

She came back with her thirst quenched and sat back down.

“Oh c’mon!!” She yelled out, her short patience finally running out. Alas, she was unaware that she was sitting right next to the sleeping unicorn’s ear.

“YAHHHHHHHH!!” Miku screamed as she felt her right eardrum being shattered by the yells of the child. She rolled over, grabbing her ear in pain. She kept rolling, like a barrel, and hit the edge of the table.

She stopped there, still unaware that she was teetering on the edge.

She reached her hoof out, and brought it down to vent her pain. Instead of hitting a surface, it passed through the area where Miku had anticipated the tabletop to be.

The movement upset the delicate balance between Miku and a painful fall to the gound.

With a yelp, she went over the edge.

The impact wasn’t the most subtle, as it sent Applejack running down the stairs, yelling “What happened?!” and “Are you alright Applebloom?!” and expecting to find a pained Applebloom.

Instead, she came greeted with the sight of Miku laying on the ground, whimpering, and Applebloom standing nearby, rubbing the back of her mane.

“I…tai….” Miku whimpered, tears forming at the corner of her tightly shut eyes.

The language barrier is a bitch.

That was the conclusion that Applebloom and Applejack came to after attempting to communicate with the blabbering unicorn.

“Nan domo kuri kaeshi onajiko to woitt! Naze rikai suruko tohade kima senka?!” Miku yelled, agitated by the fact that these ponies obviously did not understand what she was saying.

“Ah’m sorry, but Ah can’t speak with yah if Ah can’t understand what in Equestria ya are sayin’!” Applejack yelled right back, agitated by the fact that this unicorn would not shut up.

The two went back and forth, yelling louder and louder each rebound.

Soon, their yelling escalated to the point where could be heard by residents of outer Ponyville.

Applebloom had long since taken shelter in her room. She had shoved earplugs into her ears and burrowed herself into her bed sheets, pillows, and blankets.

Downstairs, the vocal war continued.

“Shatto da un shite sudeni anata no oroka na amerika no inaka de hanashi taito omoi masu!”

“Quit yah oriental crap and shut up before Ah throw you out yah bitch!”

Meanwhile, old senile Granny Smith sat in front of the TV, completely oblivious to the vocal war going on one room over. Big Mac, on the other hand, was peeking into the kitchen, hoof on his little dicklet.

It escalated to the point where Applejack was this close to throttling Miku, and Miku was ready to give the other mare a good beating with her leeks. Before all hell could break loose however, there was a energetic sounding knock on the door.

Applejack looked away for a brief moment, staring at the back door. She then turned back to the unicorn who was ready to spew out another flurry of Japanese insults.

“We will finish this later.” She snarled darkly.

“Anata no mesuinu…” Miku spat. She curling her hoof in and attempted to raise her middle finger. Nothing happened.

She looked at her hoof, and could not find the middle finger that she very desperately needed.

Blasted equine appendages.

Applejack put her hoof on the door, and twisted the door knob. The instance the door was unlatched, the door swung open with the velocity of Babe Ruth swinging his baseball bat.

The door hit the wall with a loud smash. Several hundred ponies came pouring into the Apple’s dining room, the group being led by a pink pony hopping around like she was high on crack.

Watch out guys, Pinkie Pie is here.

The group surrounded the confused Miku, an excited looks plastered on each of the ponies' faces. From the middle of the crown, Pinkie Pie jumped out and broke into song.

“Welcome, welcome, welcome!” The retarded pink horse sang. “A fine welcome to you!”

As Pinkie danced around the confused white unicorn singing improvised crap, Applejack pushed the door out of her face, ever so slowly. She then pushed herself out of the pony-sized dent in the wall and fell to the floor in a heap, her brown Stetson floating down and landing on her head.

“A-Ah’m okay…” whimpered Applejack. She was unaware that everyone else was too busy throwing a screaming Miku into the air to notice her pain.

Forever alone.

“…welcome to Ponyville today!!” Pinkie Pie let the last note fade out, before throwing her top hat and cane into the air. Where did she get those anyways?

Somehow, the top hat just so happened to land on Miku’s head on its way down.

Down on the ground, Pinkie Pie bowed, and subtly clicked a small button in her right hoof.

Several microwaves and pipes rose out of the crowd. A ding sounded, and cake shot out of the pipes and fireworks flew out of the microwaves.

As cake rained down from the heavens and fireworks flew around, pelting ponies and jabbing a few in the eye, the group scattered, letting Miku fall face-first onto the floor from the ceiling. It was complete and utter chaos, so chaotic that even Discord was jealous of the chaotic nature of the event.

While the ponies ran around trying to find cover, the freaked out and slightly pained Miku took this moment to bolt out of the house, fueled by pure adrenaline and self-induced GTFO.

She sprinted, running out of the open back door, and out into the bright sunlight.

Of course, she wasn't exactly accustomed to running on four legs. She stumbled every so often, but barely recovering every time.

She tripped over her own hooves after about 30 seconds of running and face-planted into the soft dirt, Pinkie’s top hat landing a few inches from her.

She lay there, sobbing quietly at her own pathetic performance. She had a few moments of peace, just to think about the situation she had so pitifully gotten herself in. Then she felt the ground rumbling beneath her.

With a confused look on her face, she turned around. She was met with the horrifying sight of the group that had welcomed/scared the living crap out of her galloping straight towards her, each screaming about getting the flip outta dodge.

A tear fell out of Miku's left eye, and she braced herself for a world of pain.

Author's Note

Feedback plox.

Part 1-3: Pain and Humilation (Edited)

Ponyloid-ism

By: Syringed

“Ah can’t seem to be able to pull this stick outta your mane” Applebloom grunted, as she attempted to yank a particularly large stick out of one of Miku’s mangled pigtails.

“Watashino jinsei wokirai…” Miku sobbed, as she desperately tried to coax her other pigtail back to their smooth cylindrical shape with a hairbrush she borrowed from Applebloom.

The stampede was not fun for young Miku. You would think that a giant stampede would stop in its tracks if there’s a pony sobbing pathetically lying directly in their path, but NOOOOO.

They just kept on going, as if she was invisible, and stomped the crap out of the poor unicorn.

Such a nice welcome from the residents of Ponyville. Definitely makes me want to go there for some R & R.

In a sense, Miku was lucky to make it out with just a mangled mane and a few scratches. But in typical teenage girl fashion, she bawled at the sight of her beautiful hair completely ruined.

Also, bullshit could not be understated when Pinkie’s top hat was completely untouched by the stampede while Miku was trampled by half of Ponyville, despite the two being separated by a few inches.

Life is cruel. Deal with it.

After Applejack had recovered from the bone-shattering sandwiching with her door and the wall, she was, well, pissed. She had threatened to buck several ponies all the way to Las Pegasus, as was tradition when someone pissed the hell out of Applejack. As she was well known for her athletic power, no one really wanted to be at the receiving end of an Applejack buck, and they cleared out like rabbits. Well, all except Pinkie Pie, who was then stuffing herself full of cupcakes.

While Applebloom attempted to placate the sobbing Miku, Applejack was tearing said pink horse a new one.

“What the hay was all that about!? Ya bust into mah house with half of Ponyville and throw a party for no reason at all?!” Applejack screeched.

“But there was a new pony in town! My Pinkie sense told me! And you know I always throw a party for anypony that’s new!” Pinkie said, spewing a few cupcake crumbs out onto the irate cowgirl.

“Ah don’t care! You shouldn’t have busted into mah house and made a mess of mah kitchen!“

Said kitchen had seen better days.

There was cake stuck to the ceiling, barely being held up by frosting, and gunpowder covered the room like a thick blanket of dust. A few charred fireworks shells also lay scattered around on the floor. The cupboard doors were bent and charred, a few just barely hanging on by their hinges.

One particularly large chunk of cake decided that it was too heavy to continue hanging from the ceiling like a bat. Its sticky hold on the ceiling expired and it plummeted like a large chunk of hail. Halfway down, it decided that the most convenient landing pad was Miku’s head.

Obviously.

The sound of cake smacking against her head rang throughout the room. It sounded like someone throwing a sponge against the wall, which is usually not a big deal. But as with all teenagers, the hormones kicked in.

Said unicorn watched with ominous silence as frosting dripped down from her teal hair onto the chair she was sitting in.

Tears welled in her big teal eyes as reality bitch slapped Miku in the face, then proceeded to molest the shit outta her.

Her life really did suck.

She bit her lower lip, whimpered, and started bawling like a baby.

“BWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” She wailed, putting her face into her hooves and crying enough tears to flood the Apple’s kitchen/dining room.

Next to her, Applebloom shoved earplugs into her ears and scrambled for high ground.

Poor Miku, must have been hard to deal with the fact that she was no longer a human, or has human as a sentient computer program could be. She missed her hands, her fingers, her teal laptop, and her giant tub of her beloved leek flavored ice cream.

Nasty, that stuff is.

Most of all, she missed the other Vocaloids. Yes even Neru, the technology addict, and Kaito, the nudist. That one time where Kaito decided to strip in the middle of the nearby supermarket to get girls was probably the most embarrassing moment of Miku’s life. She remembered it well, unfortunately.

“Miku-chan ne, onnanoko wochi xekku auto sorera okoni.” Kaito pointed at a group of seventeen year old girls standing in the liquor aisle. “Karera ha totemo atsui!”

Miku shrugged.

“Naze, okonatte sorera wo motomeru?” She said unconcerned, as she grabbed another leek and put it in a plastic bag.

“Iie, amarini mo shurixyuu. Watashi hakou kan gaeru…” the blue haired man said with an evil glint in his eye.

Miku heard the rustling of clothing being removed, and turned to see a nearly buck naked Kaito.

“Chixyotto onna noko! Chixekku auto watashi, ‘naked scarf pose’!” Kaito yelled cheerfully, puttiing emphasis on ‘naked scarf pose’. Downstairs, his manhood swung in and out of his long blue scarf like children on a swing set.

“Ittai nani woshi te iru?!” Miku screeched as she watched the girls Kaito flashed ran away screaming. She felt blood rush to her face as she noticed his balls hanging low and swinging to and fro. She clenched her eyes shut to avoid getting a massive nosebleed, and groped at Kaito's face.

She grabbed something, just not what she expected. It was rough, round, and rather ballsy. She opened her eyes, and saw her hand grabbing Kaito’s man-

WHABAM!

Miku suddenly felt something hard, flat, and extremely painful knock her out of her thoughts. She heard her brain screech ‘FUCK SHIT MOTHERFUCKIN’ OW’ as it rocked back and forth, clonking against the walls of her skull. Finally her brain stopped rocking back and forth and quit, just like that.

Then she was out like a light.

Applejack stood over the unconscious Miku Hatsune, chest still heaving, pupils still dilated, and frying pan still raised. It gave her a kind of crazed look, like she wanted nothing more than to cut the shit out of the pony she just walloped upside the head.

Applebloom stood frozen on the kitchen countertop, dumbfounded.

“What was that for, sis?!”

“Ah needed her to stop cryin’ like a newborn filly so Ah can actually call Twilight.” Applejack said, dragging the unconscious unicorn’s body into the pantry.

“Aaa, watash no atama ga sonnani itai…”

Miku woke from her coma with a groan. Her head was throbbing like hell, and her entire body ached from being roughly shoved into this small little room.

Speaking of which, what was this tiny little room?

Had she been kidnapped? Maybe someone knocked her out and dragged her into this room to be used for diabolical purposes?

She attempted to stand, aggravating her massive headache some more as she knocked it against a shelf a mere four inches above her current position.

Nursing the spot where her head struck the shelf with her hoof, Miku put her ear against the door. She strained her ears, attempting to pick up any conversation on her.

It was the one thing you should do when you wake up from a coma, in a small room.

Master had put her through many…ahem…’training sessions’ like this.

Training sessions. Right.

After a few moments of intense listening, she was finally able pick up a few sentences.

“Ah dunno who this mare is or where she came from, but she’s crazy Ah tell ya!”

Miku recognized the voice as, as she put it, the American redneck pony. The fact that there were people still living in the Stone ages in the States scared Miku a bit, and made her realize how primitive some members of the human species were. Thankfully, she was a sentient program, an AI that beat the system, so she didn’t have to deal with all the crap humans had to deal with.

She still sometimes wanted to be human, because being confined to a ten mile wide circle around her house was not the way she wanted to spend the rest of her life. A.k.a until she was uninstalled.

Speaking of which, going by uninstallation would be an extremely painful way to go…

After getting back at the task at hand, or hoof, she caught something else.

“I know a few translating spells that may help, but if she is going to stay here in Ponyville, she is going to have to eventually learn our language.” Miku did not recognize this voice. It sounded like it actually knew what it was saying, even though she could barely understand what these ponies were saying. “My schedule is rather busy for this next week, so can you let her stay here for a few days?”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, who said she was gonna stay here?!” The redneck pony spoke up again.

“C’mon Applejack! She can stay in my room! Please?” She recognized that voice as the adorable little filly that she had squeezed to a pulp.

“No, Applebloom. Ah want her outta mah house!”

“Now really Applejack, don’t be so rash! She has nowhere else to stay. Applebloom does seem to have taken a liking to her. Plus, I’m not going to let just anyone sleep in my home.” Once again, this voice was unfamiliar to Miku. It sound regal, classy, and came off as a bit stuck up to her.

Whatever these ponies were saying, she was gonna find out. Miku groped around in the darkness of the room, searching for a doorknob.

She found none.

Miku puffed up her cheeks in annoyance. Without stopping to think over her actions, she pulled her foreleg back as if she was going to pimp slap someone. Like a baseball player, she swung her foreleg and struck her elbow against the door.

A sharp prickly feeling shot up her limb, and the door’s hinges broke with a loud crack.

Miku gripped her entire limb, wondering why horses even had funny bones. She whimpered as she massaged her foreleg, and leaned back against the door.

The door could not handle her weight, and it toppled over with an ominous creak.

Now let’s take a moment to think, how many times have Miku been stomped, smacked, hit, and thoroughly mutilated since she arrived at this hellhole?

…

I’m going to let that sink in now.

With a yelp of surprise, Miku toppled backwards.She felt a sharp pain shoot up her spine as she landed badly the battered pantry door. A barely audible crack was heard, sending shivers down the spines of the ponies sitting outside.

She shakily lifted her head and looked at the multitude of ponies sitting at the dining table.

The newcomers were purple and white, respectively, the first with a purple striped mane, and the second with a light indigo mane.

Whoever they were, they were very surprised to see the young unicorn pop out of the pantry.

“Um, Applejack? Is this the pony you were talking about, and why was she locked in your pantry?” The purple one asked.

“Oh dear me, darling your mane is an absolute mess!” The white one gestured towards Miku’s mangled mane. A few sticks, a few leaves, and several bits of dirt were still stuck in her long pigtails.

Applebloom spoke up. “AJ said that she would drink her ‘special apple jack’. Ah don’t even know what her ‘special apple jack’ is.”

“Applejack, what do you mean, your ‘special apple jack’?” The purple pony eyed Applejack suspiciously.

“Uh…ah…eh…not drugs?”

AND NOW A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCMENT BY MIKU HATSUNE

Miku sat in a leek-shaped armchair, holding what appeared to be a leek-shaped book in her hooves. She wore her usual outfit: a grey sleeveless polo shirt with a teal tie, a short black skirt, and thigh high boots. Somehow, these clothes managed to fit Miku’s equine body, and to be honest, it didn’t look half bad.

It looked bad…

Without looking up, she said, “Konnichiha, Hatsune Miku kore ha, anata ga kidhui te iru watashi ha zankoku na boukou sa re teshi te butsuri tekini kono monogatari no naka de gixyakutai…”

“Hey chucklefuck!”

Miku’s head shot up to find her verbal attacker and open a can of whoop-ass on him, and saw a firestorm of tomatoes being flung at her.

“Aa garakuta!” She lifted her leek-shaped book like a shield, and managed to prevent about 15% of the tomatoes from hitting her body. That being said, there was a leek shaped spot where the flurry of red vegetables/fruits did not hit.

Miku opened her eyes, staring dumbfounded at the audience. She blinked a bit and shook her head a bit to get the dripping tomato juice out of her face.

Of course, anyone who happened to be watching this public announcement would have seen quite the spectacle. The young pop star was completely engulfed with bright red, as if someone had dumped paint on her. Or blood. Blood works too.

“English! Please!” One member of the audience yelled, followed by several mutters of agreement.

Said audience raised another barrage of food, this time cabbages, and Miku finally realized that this public announcement was still rolling.

“Fuxiido wo katto shimasu!” She screeched at the on-stage cameras as she miserably failed at shielding herself from being pelted by cabbages. “Fuxiido wo katto shimasu!!”

Unfortunately for her, the camera crew was too busy laughing their asses off at the sight of the one and only Hatsune Miku being pelted 50s' style by fruits and vegetables.

Whoa, is that a watermelon?

“KYAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!”

AND THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCMENT BY MIKU HATSUNE!

Author's Note

Feedback prish.

Part 1-4: Translation and Diplomacy

Ponyloid-ism

By: Syringed

While Pinkie Pie used her Pinkie sense to sniff out Applejack’s house for drugs, the three remaining ponies stayed in the kitchen to interrogate the white unicorn.

Applejack trotted over to Miku, stepping over the larger wooden bits of the shattered pantry door. She snatched the unicorn’s teal mane with her mouth, and yanked.

“Nya! Sono amerika no kixyoui watashini furete haike nai!” Miku yelped. She had already been brutally abused by the jackassery of fate, and being dragged across the room by her hair was just douchebaggery on fate’s part.

Let the record show that fate is a doucheface and he has no dick.

Applejack didn’t exactly care for the fact that she was dragging another mare by their most sacred possession. The white pony, however, had an objection to how Applejack was manhandling the white unicorn.

“Applejack! How could you pull this mare by her mane!? Do you have no respect for a mare’s mane?!”

“Rarity, will yah stop worrying about her stupid mane?!” Applejack turned her head towards the white pony and glared. “Here’s a good idea, get your rear in gear and help meh move her!”

The one named Rarity’s horn glowed, and a light blue bubble engulfed her horn. A bubble of the identical color engulfed the tip of Miku’s tail a split second later.

Rarity then yanked her head back as if she was pulling on some unseen object.

“I simply cannot let you mutilate her mane to the point where it is forever ruined!”

Applejack stumbled forward as a direct result of Rarity magically yanking against her. Applejack growled and retaliated by yanking in the opposite direction with more force.

“Ah’m trying to move her to the dining table so we can –grunt- interrogate her!”

“Well do it in a way that doesn’t destroy manes!”

Miku was less than pleased by the fact that she was the rope in this little tug-of-war.

She screamed. In pain. In a lot of pain. Kind of like she was giving birth, but there were two babies, and they were coming out of her head and ass, respectively.

Take a moment to let that image sink in.

Now then, have your jimmies been rustled yet?

…

Tough crowd.

Well, your jimmies may not have been rustled, but the rustling of a certain purple unicorn’s jimmies have certainly commenced.

With each tug, Miku screamed like Satan himself was doing her in the ass. Before any ill-chosen questions are asked, Satan was the epitome of men everywhere. End of discussion.

Miku did seem to be doing a lot of screaming today. It definitely cannot be healthy for her voice. Then again no one would actually give a damn because VOCALOID would just fix her right up again. And then it would keep her locked up in the most secure files VOCALOID has access to.

Fucking tyrannical program.

“Girls, girls, girls! Can’t we settle this in a civilized manner?!” The purple pony yelled.

She received the hissing of Applejack and Rarity and the shrieking of Miku as an answer.

Also let the record show that diplomacy is full of shit.

A pale purple bubble engulfed the pony’s horn, and the exact same glow engulfed Miku’s torso a split second later. Miku noticed that she gained a sense of strange weightlessness, but was too busy screaming like hell on earth to really put her mind on it.

The purple bubble grew in size, pulsating every so often. It grew until it completely engulfed her body. It was a strange feeling being inside that bubble, almost like being a fetus in a womb after the mom got drunk. Or for a better idiom, it was like you were floating about 100 feet under the surface of the sea made of beer.

Meanwhile, the purple pony had a tight magical grip on the tails of the two warring ponies, and was currently attempting to talk some sense in them.

Haven’t we already established the fact that diplomacy is complete and utter farce and that the only way to resolve disputes is with guns, bombs, and nukes?

On a side note, we do not agree with diplomacy. We do, however, find the fact that government representatives beat each other over an implied insult on one’s wife hilarious.

Welcome to politics.

Applejack and Rarity continued to throw insults and empty threats at each other in their position of hanging by their tails while the third pony attempted and failed to be a peace maker.

It went a little something like this:

“Get me mah knife! Ah’m gonna give this mare a good shaving!”

“You wouldn’t dare! Touch my mane and I will personally make sure that everypony shall see you dressed up like Lady Baba!”

“Girls! Can we please settle this peacefully and get on with our lives?”

“Shut up Twilight!”

Rinse and repeat.

Miku was not a happy camper at this point, due to the fact that she had whacked her funny bone on the now wrecked pantry door, been the rope in a tug of war, and her back hurt like someone had stabbed her with medical syringes.

Yes I know what my name is.

Did you catch it on tape?

Then I didn’t do it.

Being stuck in a bubble ten feet off the ground was not exactly her cup of tea either.

Miku wasn’t exactly claustrophobic, but being stuck in a small translucent bubble ten feet of the ground was extremely unnerving.

“Konnichiha desu ka? Koto ga deki masudare kaga watashi wo shitsubou sa seru ima desu ka?!” She yelled. She banged her hoof on the bubble’s wall.

No response. The three ponies were still locked in their little yelling match down on the ground.

Continue attention whoring and attention whore a little more.

Miku curled her hoof into a fist-like shape, and threw it forward like a bullet. It struck, or should I say bounced, off the wall of the bubble. The wall rippled like a rock hitting the surface of a calm lake, but from the looks of it, there wasn’t even a dent.

It was quite an insult to her physical strength, or lack of thereof. Somewhere in her mind, Miku had a mental image of herself being athletic, muscular and incredibly sexy.

I can only agree with the last point.

She puffed her cheeks, and several blood capillaries on her forehead swelled up. She whacked her hooves over and over again on the wall of the bubble, in a rather similar fashion to the temper tantrum she had when she first got to this shithole.

She got up on her hind legs and hopped up and down like the Easter Bunny on heroine. With each rebound, the magical bubble rippled and distorted, but it still didn’t pop.

Miku kicked the bubble, she kneed it, and she even elbowed it. And the damn bubble still didn’t pop.

She finally threw her arms into the air, and screamed in a way that would typically be interpreted as the famed ‘rage quit’.

She threw herself onto the floor of the bubble, banging her head on said bubble.

The bubble popped on the first head to bubble impact.

Miku continued to bang her head against…well nothing really. After a few seconds of face-airing, she noticed the fact that there was nothing actually impacting her forehead. She opened her eyes.

She blinked.

There was the ground, a full ten feet below her.

“Aa garakuta…”

Physics decided that it was the best time to make his presence known.

Miku plummeted like a rock, and directly in the path of her imminent impact, was the trio of ponies yelling their flanks off.

On the way down, Miku touched her forehead with her hoof. A sharp cone-like structure was sitting there, and it hit her. She was a unicorn.

An image of her tap-dancing with pink fluffy unicorns on a rainbow flashed through her mind.

Then, Miku fell to the ground head first, and with a very, very loud crack, she smacked her head on the tile floor of the kitchen.

“She awake yet?”

“Obviously not considering she’s still out.” Miku could hear the clopping of hooves in the distance.

“Well, only one way to wake her up now. Hey Applebloom! Get some black coffee, a bottle of Tobasco sauce, and some of my special apple jack! Ah gotta make me some wake up juice!”

Miku’s eyes shot open. Filling her vision was a mug shot of the freckled, orange face of Applejack.

“Well that seemed to wake her up.” Applejack stood up and trotted away. Miku did not know why, but it wasn’t exactly high on her priority list to find out.

“I…tai…” Miku’s head hurt terribly. How terribly? Kind of like waking up from a massive hangover, then being smashed upside the head with a full beer bottle a few seconds later.

She noticed a strange tugging on her hair, and panic filled her gut. She didn’t exactly want to go through the heinous torture of being the rope in a tug of war battle again.

Miku attempted to stand, but found that she couldn’t exactly move. She looked down at her body, and saw that she was sitting in a chair. Binding her to the chair was several meters of thick rope, and it was tied together into a nice little bow.

“Dou natte iru no desu ka?! Naze koko ni iru!? Dare ga kore!?!” Miku shrieked.

“Hey! Calm down, we just want to ask you a few questions. We tied you to this chair just for safety reasons.” The purple pony said. “According to Applejack, you have a tendency to overreact, so these ropes are just there to prevent you from hurting us and yourself.”

Miku, however, didn’t really catch that statement as she was too busy wriggling around in her binds. There was also the fact that Miku understood only about, I don’t know, two words in that entire statement?

Not everyone speaks English you stupid ugly Equestrian.

Applejack returned at that moment, holding a desk lamp in her mouth.

“Twi, you forgot that she can’t understand English.” She deadpanned.

The purple pony smacked herself on the head. “Oh, right. I should cast the translating spell, so Rarity! Could you get out of the way?”

Miku felt the odd tugging of her hair stop for a moment, and Rarity popped out from behind the bound unicorn. She had several hair pins in her mouth, and was levitating a wireless hair dryer and a hairbrush.

“Give me a moment Twilight; I just need to get this one last stick out of this darling’s mane.”

The tugging of Miku’s left pigtail returned, this time with slightly more aggression and determination.

“My my, this stick is really stuck in there.”

That’s what she said.

Rarity ran her hairbrush through Miku’s hair for the umpteenth time. After she decided that her teal mane was smooth enough, she magically split the hair and gave the stick a hard yank. It was harder than necessary, but it did the job. With a dull snapping sound, the stick flew from Rarity’s hooves and flew into the living room. Several smashing sounds emanated from said room, and Rarity hoped to Discord’s great aunt that no one would notice.

Anyways, Applejack trotted over and clipped the desk lamp to the chair Miku was bound to. She took the plug in her mouth and trotted over to the nearest outlet. However, said outlet was on the other side of the room, and the power cord was only about four feet long.

“Dammit, it’s not long enough.” She cursed.

That’s what she said!

Applejack yanked again on the cord. It didn’t budge though, due to the weight of Miku and the chair. She yanked again, this time harder. The clip holding the lamp on the chair slipped a bit, but it was just enough for the lamp to lose its grip on the chair.

Gravity brought it down, straight towards the ground. As it fell, its life flashed before its eyes, from its creation in China, to its shipping to a hardware store in Applelosa, to its purchase by the mare that had just yanked it to its ultimate demise.

Subtly said, the lamp smashed against the ground and broke at the joints.

Applejack stared at her desk lamp, now laying smashed on the tile floor.

“Ah well, that lamp was terrible anyways.”

Meanwhile Twilight was skimming through the book, ‘Advanced Translating Spells’. At least that was what it looked like from a distance. Tucked inside the book of translating spell was a smaller book, aptly named ‘Mare on Mare, the Science of’.

THAT’S WHAT SH-never mind.

“Hey Twilight, we’re done! Yah cast the spell now!” Applejack called.

Twilight slammed the book shut suddenly and screamed “Nothing!”

The two other ponies sent her confused looks.

“Twilight, whatever do you mean?” Rarity asked.

Twilight shook her head vigorously and smiled sheepishly. She tossed the books over her shoulder and laughed nervously.

“Nothing, nothing.” Twilight waved her hooves in front of her face.

“I’m going to cast the translating spell now.” Twilight stretched her neck, massaging several areas with her hoof.

She took a defensive stance, with her legs bent and spread out. She lowered her head to about shoulder height and focused her magic into her horn. After a few moments of the magical focusing process, Twilight’s horn emitted a very bright white light.

Miku shut her eyes, and squinted to try and block more light from frying her retina like hay fries.

The bright white light coalesced into a small glowing sphere about 1 foot in diameter, and it balanced itself on the tip of Twilight’s horn. It was not unlike those shameless seals you see at the circus, dancing around like idiots because a clown said so.

The spell would send the caster and the ones struck by the spell itself to their own little fantasy world, where everyone would sound like they were speaking the same language.

Twilight focused more magical power into the sphere. The translating spell required quite a bit of magical power, considering translating between two completely different languages was a bitch. While Twilight poured more magical power into the sphere, Miku was wriggling around in her seat again.

The giant sphere on Twilight’s horn unnerved her, and for some reason, she had a feeling that the one to be on the receiving end of that giant sphere was her.

She would rather not find out.

She wriggled around some more, but the ropes were tied meticulously well. She couldn’t budge, let alone loosen the ropes enough to let her petite body slip out. There was another option, one that she had seen people perform successfully in many movies. Then again, said movies were filled with special effects of varying quality. Mostly on the lower end of the spectrum.

She bent her head down, and grabbed a section of rope with her teeth. She used her tongue to move the rope to the back of her mouth. Once the rope was securely in her mouth, she bit down, hard.

The rope snapped, and she wriggled out of her binds. Applejack noticed that Miku had escaped her binds, and was currently trying to parkour her ass out the window. Applejack lunged forward, tackling the white unicorn to the floor like a gang of zebras jumping a pony.

Applejack grabbed the front hooves of Miku and held them to the ground, while putting the majority of her weight on Miku’s hind legs.

Miku, however, wasn’t pleased by the fact that Applejack was on top-ahem-had her on the ground in such a prone position. She bent her head forward and swung her head around like she didn’t give a damn.

While Applejack avoided the manic swinging of Miku’s horn, Twilight had finished charging up her spell. The glowing white sphere had tripled in size and was ready to be casted. Without even looking at her target, she reeled her head back, and launched the sphere forward like a rock from a slingshot.

It would’ve looked cooler if you sped it up.

The white sphere glided lazily through the air, leaving a trail of magical residue like a comet’s tail. The speed in which it was traveling was very, very underwhelming.

While Twilight played Solitare as she waited for the sphere of all things magical to hit Miku, said unicorn and Applejack was currently rolling across the floor like two pissed drunks at a bar.

Speaking of bars, a guy walked into a bar. He said ouch.

Anyways, the sphere of all things magical approached the flurry of hooves and yelps that was Applejack and Hatsune Miku. Every second, it floated about an inch closer.

And it was losing velocity.

Pathetic.

Meanwhile, Rarity had made herself a nice little pot of green tea and was enjoying a quaint little dish of blueberry scones.

The sphere of all things magical loomed over the brawling mares. It gently tapped Miku’s horn as she flailed around under Applejack. It exploded in a giant supernova of magically white glittery sparkles.

The explosion sent shockwaves through the Apple household. The entire household was filled with the blinding magical sparkles; even Big Mac, who was hiding in the basement jacking off, had to shut his eyes to avoid being blinded.

Men have needs. Don’t judge him.

At the epicenter of it all, Applejack and Miku were still rolling around, the former attempting to restrain the latter, while the latter attempted to cut the former with her horn.

They were oblivious to that fact that a giant ball of magical glitter had exploded on top of them, being too busy beating the crap out of each other. However, several sparkly particles were unfortunate enough to be floating in the area of the two brawling mares.

Like laughing gas and all those other air-born drugs, they were breathed in by the two mares. They noticed that they had inhaled something foreign. The pair froze, with Applejack biting on Miku’s horn and Miku yanking on Applejack’s mane.

One could find this image extremely easy to masturbate to.

Then the pair fainted.

Bright.

It was very bright.

Why was it bright?

She had her eyes closed. Why would it be bright? Instead of the typical blackness one would see when their eyes are closed, she saw tints of yellow and white.

Alright, did Neru use her flashlight app on her again? Or maybe Teto decided it was called for to shine a stage light in her face again.

That was one of many experiences she would not like to relive.

Miku opened her eyes groggily. She immediately shut them as the bright lights flooded her pupils.

She opened her eyes again, squinting as she did. She blinked slowly, letting her eyes get accustomed to the inhumanely bright lights.

Miku found herself in a sterile white room, completely devoid of any windows, doors, or even furniture. It was akin to one of those wonderful little rooms you stay in when you get the privilege to be declared legally insane.

“Dare ka ga shinsetsu ni shi te kudasai to watashi no aware na jinsei wo ima sugu shuuryou…”

Miku rolled over and pulled her knees up to her chest. The past few hours have really been the shittiest hours of her life.

Do not attempt to think you have had shittier hours.

Tell me, have you ever been thrown into another world filled with crazy pastel horses, been trampled by said horses, received a concussion from a rather nasty fall, and been the target of a crazy horse with whack-ass magic, all within the time period of a several hours?

If you answered yes to the above question, what kind of crack are you on, and where can I get some?

Author's Note

Thy feedback please.