Never Anticipated Stealing Anything
"Dallas, get in position." A voice cracked over the radio.
"Got it." 'Dallas' responded over the radio, opening the police car door.
Dallas was a forty two year old chain smoker from Chicago. He had a heavy mustache with stumble all around his chin, his brown hair was short and showed his large forehead.
He walked up to the huge rectangle of the building, patriotically displacing the America flag and it's own logo. He lent near one of the doors, which were located on yet other of the four rectangles which was sticking out of the building, and placed the 'gym' bag down, pulling a cigarette out of his suit.
"Hoxton, your turn!" The voice crackled over the radio.
"Okay, order me some ribs when I get back." 'Hoxton' responded jokingly, before opening the door to the police car.
Hoxton was twenty nine year old from Britain. His black hair was slicked back and, unlike Dallas, was well shaven.
He walked past Dallas and towards the main building, after getting to it; he lent against the large building, placing down the 'gym' bag.
"Wolf, come on; roll the dice!" The voice chuckled over the radio.
"Fine, fine," he looked down at the chair. "I got a four, what does that mean?"
"Get out the damn car, Wolf!"
Wolf chuckled getting out of the police car.
He was thirty two year old, born and raised in Sweden. He was bald with a grey-ish brown bear, looking a bit like a slightly shaven lumberjack.
He walked past Dallas and towards Hoxton. When he got to Hoxton, they shared a nod and he lent on the wall.
"Chains, move your piece."
"Hi, Spit?"
"Yeah, Chains?"
"What's with the board game references?"
"I don't know it just sounds awesome."
"Good, man."
Chains got out of the car.
He got out of the police car.
He was 35 years of age. He was born in Florida, with a small Afro showing of his forehead, he had a thin beard.
He walked to Dallas and lent on the wall opposite him and they shared a nod, placing down his gym bag.
"Guys, start the heist whenever you want." The voice cracked over the radios.
Dallas unhooked it from his suit. "Hoxton and Wolf, you just passed go; collect two hundred."
"Stop with the damn board game references!" Chains muttered to him.
"Sorry man."
"We got it Dallas, we go; we are not a silver dog and thimble." Wolf's voice cracked over the radio.
"Good one." Chains said.
Wolf pulled out some little yellow boxes from his gym bag and started to place them across the wall as Hoxton did the same with the other. When other twenty of them were placed across the wall.
"Okay, Hoxton, we move back a bit; take the bags with you." As he grabbed the bags, Wolf readied a detonator. After walking near to where Dallas was, they turned around. "Three," Wolf turned to see Hoxton ready to plug his ears. "Two!" He said, pushing down on the detonator. As the wall blew, Hoxton almost jumped out of his skin. "HA!" Wolf laughed, holding his chest. "HA!"
"Very funny, Wolf. Back to the heist."
"Fine, fine. Open the bag."
Hoxton opened the bag, inside was two shotguns, two assault rifles, two revolvers and a pair of clown masks.
"Okay, I'll take these." Wolf said, taking a shotgun, a rifle, the two revolvers and putting one of the clown masks on his face.
"Give me a revolver!" Hoxton said, picking up the rifle, the shotgun and putting on the mask.
"No!" Wolf shouted, running to the hole, where security was pouring out.
"That's our cue." Dallas said, as they both opened the 'gym' bags.
"Okay, we go in big and loud?" Chains said through his mask.
"As always." Dallas grinned through his clown mask.
He kicked open the door where the security would of been but had been alerted by Wolf's explosion; he rested the gun's stock on his arm. As walked through the metal detectors where the beeps were barely heard over the gunfire from Hoxton and Wolf's assault.
As they made it to the reception, they saw some of the security have a barricade up down a corridor where Wolf and Hoxton would come from.
"They aren't going to get past this."
"They could never, this is just-"
They were stopped by the click of two revolvers at the back of their heads.
"Dearly sorry gentlemen," Chains spoke in a calm and collected voice. He aimed his revolver with one hand and straightened his suit with the other. "But they are getting though."
But before they could protest or beg, their brains covered the bottom of their barricade.
"Chains, my man," Dallas said, putting his hand on Chain's shoulder and stuck his revolver into his coat pocket. "That was awesome."
"Come on, you pigs of pigs!" Wolf screamed, shooting a volley of shots into a group of guards' chests.
"Bada-boom!" Hoxton shouted, blowing a guard in half with a shotgun.
"Bang," Wolf said, firing the revolver in his left hand, hitting a guard in the chest, falling back onto a wall. "Bang," firing the revolver in his right hand, hitting a guard in the shoulder, sending him through a wall of glass. "Boom!" He shouted, pulling the two revolvers in front of his eyes and shooting two shots of each into four guards.
"Rat," he shouted, firing a volley of shots into a guard's arm. "A," shooting the guard in the head. "Tat," spinning on his heels, he shot two guards that were following them as they turned a corner. "Tat!" Spinning back on his heels, he shot three in front of him.
They walked some more of the corridors before they found they found Dallas and Chains.
"Wolf! How the hell are yah?" Dallas greeted his fellow robber with a high five.
"Nothing much, just shot up a bunch of dudes."
"We shot... two."
"Only two?"
"Yeah."
They stood outside, looking at the large spaceship that was before them.
"That's what we are sabotaging?" Wolf said, pointing one of his revolvers at it.
"That's what the Russian said." Dallas responded, pulling the shotgun out of it's sling.
"Isn't this ironic?" Hoxton questioned, loading a few shells into his shotgun.
"Why is it ironic?" Chains replied, putting a bullet into his revolver.
"We got a Russian wanting us to sabotage an American spaceship."
"That is pretty ironic."
"How are we supposed to get to it though? We can't bring the car around." Dallas said with his shotgun against his stomach.
"Don't they have those fire trucks here? Like at the airport?" Wolf replied, spinning the barrel of his revolver.
"Maybe, maybe."
After they had found a garage and shot the lock off; they had a yellow beast staring them in the face, with two large windows and a ladder on it's back.
"This is gonna be fun!" Chains grinned. After a short silence, he added. "Shotgun!"
As they rode to the rocket, they screamed and hollered like a bus full of teenagers at spring break. Most of this barter consisted of death threats against the security, random shouts of insults and some ramblings about the pay off.
When they reached the rocket, the few of the guards that were there quickly ran at the sight of them. But for fun, they shot at the fleeing guards; never hitting them, laughing as they did.
When they got to the wire frame elevator, Wolf had to wait for Hoxton, Chains and Dallas. Hoxton came first after shooting a whole magazine at the fleeing cops. Dallas came second, after shooting a six shots at them from the revolver and a whole six shells at them. Chains came last, having to reload his revolver three times to shoot the cops again.
When they all stood in the elevator, Wolf pressed the button that would reach the spaceship.
After a few minutes of waiting in the elevator, seeing themselves fly in a red metal box, they got to the top, seeing the shuttle.
"Okay, want are we wreckin'?" Chains said, opening the wire door to the elevator.
"He said just to wreck the control panel." Dallas said, flipping the shotgun and holding it by it's barrel like a club.
"Sounds good to me."
As they entered the spaceship and looked for around the various switches and buttons of different shapes, sizes and colors.
"Hey guys! Did the Russian said this thing wasn't supposed to be manned?" Hoxton shouted from as far back as from the ship as he could get.
"Yeah, no men," Dallas said, calculating the hit of his shotgun's stock. "Why?"
"Well, it was supposed to be manned, we got suits and everything back here."
"Really?"
"Yeah, why would something unmanned need these?"
"It was supposed to be, fool," Wolf said. "You know that they would just say it's unmanned, then man it."
"Why would they do that, Wolf?" Hoxton shouted, holding up one of the suits.
"For America to own a planet before more superior countries could."
"Who are more superior then America, Wolf?" Chains asked.
"Russia, China and Japan."
"Maybe, maybe."
"Hoxton, Wolf, Chains! Can we just smash this thing?"
"Hell yeah!" They screamed in response.
As they struck away at the various buttons, switches and screens, lights flickered, alarms cackled but after a while, an electronic voice started to boom.
"Ten!" It boomed.
"Damn, damn, damn, damn!" They all shouted.
"The door! Get to the door!" Dallas shouted. But as they ran to it, it shut on them.
"Nine!"
"The suits! Get the suits on!" Hoxton shouted.
"Great idea!"
"Eight!"
"Damn it!"
"Seven!"
"Slow down!"
"Six!"
"Stop this now!"
"Five!"
"Come on, come on, come on!"
"Four!"
"Will, this bloody thing just shut up?!"
"Three!"
"Everyone! Belt up!"
"Two!"
"Everyone in?"
"Yeah!"
"One!"
"Jesus lord almighty!"
"Blast off!"
The gang of robbers hurtled through space, rocking and rolling as they did.
"Flip a switch, Hoxton!" Dallas screamed frantically.
"GOT IT!" He screeched back, flipping a large red one as he did, the ship's rockets burned brighter.
"Hit a button, Chains!" Dallas shouted.
"Okay!" He shouted as he smashed a small yellow one but as he did, one of the rockets broke off from the ship.
"Hoxton hit another one!"
"Got it!" He flicked a small sliver switch, causing nothing to happen other than the lights to flicker on and off.
"Wolf, do something!"
"Okay!" He said, thrashing at various buttons and switches, the rockets burned even brighter, with various pieces of the ship pulling away from itself.
"Hoxton! DO SOMETHING!"
"WILL DO!" He madly flicked at switches, which made them rocket back into their seats.
"Holy mother of god!" Wolf said, shakily pointing out the window. "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" He was pointing at a large black spot, were no light was seen.
"WE'RE GOING DIE!" They all screamed as the ship was thrown sideways and was being sucked into the hole, rolling as it did.
"JESUS CHRIST! JESUS CHRIST! JESUS CHRIST!" Where their last screams before the Darkness consumed them, the ship and their hope.
When light finally came back to their vision, they were still stuck in the chairs, the suits, the rocket and not space?
"What the hell? We're on land?" Dallas shouted, shaking his head in disbelief and an attempt to get his eyes from shaking.
"It appears we are. We must of survived or something." Wolf said calmly, unbuckling himself and slumping down in his chair.
"How though?" Hoxton questioned, unbuckling himself from the chair, trying to stand and falling back into the chair.
"Do we need to question it? We survived!" Chains shouted at Hoxton.
"Sorry, okay?"
"Very much so."
"Could we please get out of the rocket?!" Dallas shouted at everyone but no one in particular.
As Hoxton walked to the door and tried to pry it open, Chains rolled his eyes and walked over to help. When Hoxton and chains tried to pry the door open, Wolf rolled his eyes and walked over to help, chuckling. When Hoxton, Chains and Wolf tried to pry open the door and failed to, Dallas rested his head in his hands and undid his astronaut suit as the others tried to pry the door open.
When Dallas had undid his white suit, he pulled out his revolver from his jacket pocket and fired at the window; the rest stopped prying at the door and stared at Dallas. After six shots at the window, it broke.
"Quicker, don't you think?" Dallas bowed, putting the revolver in his jacket pocket as he did.
"Yeah."
After they had crawled out of the rocket, got off the suits and got their weapons, they noticed they were atop of the hill, with a heavy forest in front of them and a statue next to them.
It was a statue of four knights, readying different weapons for a battle.
"Hey guys, I think they got stoned." Hoxton said, leaning against the statue; as his slings and weapons bounced.
Chains walked up to Hoxton, holding out his shotgun to stop the others. "Hoxton," He said, making him turn around, he punched him in the chest. "Stop. With. The. Puns!"
"Jesus! Fine, fine!"
"Hey! Ladies, there is a town over there; let's say we steal some grub." Dallas chimed.
"This place better have some hot dogs." Wolf muttered.
As they walked down the hill, they noticed an unsettling quiet to the town; no stalls, no markets, no people, no nothing.
"What time is it?" Hoxton muttered over to Wolf.
"Hold on," Wolf stopped and pulled up his latex glove; looking at his watch. "It's about five in the morning."
"So; that's why no one's up."
"I would of suspected someone to hear the damn rocket."
"It appears they are either all brain dead or could sleep through a bomb."
"Should we put that to the test?" Dallas grinned like a maniac, slowly pulling his revolver out of his pocket.
"Dallas, don't." Chains ran to him and shoved the revolver down.
"Come on, it will be funny."
"If one of these people have a shotgun, it won't be."
"Fine, fine." Dallas said, he put the revolver back into his pocket and sulked.
"Okay," Chains walked forward. "Guys, we are-"
Boom! Boom! Boom! As the three turned around, they saw Dallas standing their grinning, though they couldn't read emotions though masks, they could tell he was grinning like a maniac.
"Dallas!"
"What, Chains?"
"What the hell?!"
"What have I done?"
"You just alerted any law enforcement in the area and everybody in this town!"
"Oops!"
"Dallas, I hope-"
Chains was interpreted by the creaks of doors and some kids screaming.
"Dallas, we need to move!"
"No way, Chains, this is awesome!" He took his assault rifle from it's sling. He span on his heels to where most of the noise was coming from. "Come on then! Show me what you..." he trailed off, seeing a herd of colorful ponies. "Got?"
"Are we dead?" Chains questioned, trying not to look at the herd.
"We have to be..." he trailed off with a grin under his mask.
"What is this; purgatory, heaven, hell; it could be Valhalla!"
"To get into Valhalla, he have to have died in battle."
"You know I don't really care?"
"Are we just doing this to get off the fact that there is a herd of horses staring at four bank robbers?"
"Most likely."
"Well, I only got one way to tell if we have passed on."
"You are not committing suicide!"
"I'm not going to, I am just calmly going to do this." Dallas turned away from chains and shot at the crowd with the rifle. They screamed and dispersed, running back into their houses. "I don't think this an hallucination by god."
"What makes you say that?"
"I felt recoil."
The gang walked on through the newly deserted town, the silence was less eerie as it had a purpose; it show the fear of the things.
"Are we actually going to go and eat?"
"Probably, once we-"
"STOP!" A shout echoed through the town.
"What the?" Dallas said, readying his rifle. "Who's there?"
"The elements!" Another shout echoed through the houses.
"Elements? Like hydrogen?"
"No. Like loyalty and laughter."
"The elements of a true friend?" Dallas muttered, raising an eyebrow.
"Please stop this madness, we can work something out!"
"I can work with something." Dallas said, flicking the safety on and off of his rifle.
"What are your demands?"
"To watch you die!"
"Sorry about this." The voice sounded slightly mournful and regretful.
"Sorry about what?"
"I will have to turn you to stone!"
"I am not becoming a tourist attraction! RUN, GUYS, RUN!" Dallas screamed, running like the wind had caught his feet. As the others ran after him.
"Why can't you just accept you are going to be caught?" The voice came again.
"Because that's what robbers do! They run and they run until they run no more!" Dallas shouted behind him. "In here!" He burst through a door, as the wood splintered, the gasps of the strange things started.
"People- er, what the hell are these things?" Chains started, pulling out his revolver.
"They are ponies." A chestnut colored stallion said from the back.
"Ponies? But they are multicolored."
"And you have arms but instead of knocking you burst through the door, you explain that, I'll explain this." The stallion crossed his hooves and smirked.
"Oh, will you shut up?" Chains shouted, aiming the revolver.
"No, thank you."
"Fine, fine." Boom! Boom! The stallion thumped to the floor.
"Doctor!" A grey mare ran up to him.
"Don't worry Derpy, though it may appear my story is coming to a close. I made it a good one, eh?" 'Doctor' smiled weakly.
"Yes, yes; you did." She was crying.
Dallas leaned over to Chains. "I think you've screwed up."
"Maybe, may-"
The stallion suddenly exploded into yellow light, Chains and Dallas shielded their eyes as the others were just dumbstruck by the sight.
"What in the hell?" Dallas shouted.
"Is this a British show or something?" Chains yelped.
"Did you just say 'British show'?" Dallas questioned, still with his hands in front of his eyes.
"Yeah, you know that Doctor Who stuff?"
"A bit; yeah."
"Well, when he dies, he does this and becomes a different person."
"So wait... that's why he said 'they' instead of 'we'!"
"No duh!"
"So what, he changes appearance?"
"Yeah, also personality."
"So basically different person?"
"Yup!"
When the yellow light stopped and they moved their hands from their eyes, the chestnut stallion had disappeared and in his place was one with a grey coat and a black mane.
"This is just slightly weird." Chains said, backing off slightly.
"May I ask, who has a sonic screwdriver?" The stallion sat up and said.
"Doctor?" The grey mare stopped sniffling. "Doctor!" She lunged at him. "Doctor! Doctor!" She hugged him, so tight you could see the life coming out of him.
"Yes, Derpy, I do remember you. Now, do you have the sonic?"
"Yes, yes I do."
The robbers shuffled around uneasily especially Chains. It's like watching a romance comedy with some British dude who can cheat death.
She handed him a small cylinder like object with a small light bulb on the top of it.
"Thank you, Derpy." He said, jumping up to his feet. He walked over to the robbers and shown the 'sonic screwdriver' over them, they stood still in fire that the 'sonic' could shoot. "Well, this is odd."
"What's odd?"
"You appear to have some of the elements in you, fragments."
"'Loyalty' and 'laughter'?" Dallas questioned, tilting his head.
"No, not those!" He said, waving his hoof at them as if they knew the universe like the back of their hands. "Elements elements."
"Hydrogen? Helium? Stuff like that?"
"No! Yes, technically; yes. But that's not odd."
"Okay," Dallas said, backing off slightly. "So; what's odd, 'Doc'?"
"It's 'The Doctor' or 'Doctor' not 'Doc' I was brown but now I am grey."
"Fine, 'Doctor' what's so odd?"
"Well, it appears you have poison, fire, electricity and ice in you."
"What?!"
"Don't worry," he chuckled. "It's in magic form, not physical."
"So; what? Something summoned us?"
"Probably, it may of been 'The Knights'"
"The knights? The statue?"
"Most likely."
"But it's they're statues, they aren't living."
"Ha!" 'The Doctor' laughed, wiping a tear from his eye. "There are living statues, trust me."
"Maybe in this crazy world but those things were human as human can get in this place!" Dallas pointed to the floor.
"Dallas-"
"How do you know my name?"
"The sonic told me, but Dallas, I was human once but I crashed into this universe and became this." He waved his hoof over his chest.
"Okay, you were human, right. What has this got to do with statues?"
"Those living statues are in our universe too, Dallas."
"Wrong!"
"They are."
"I am not believing it!"
"Why not?"
"Because stone can't be living!"
"They aren't stone but they can turn into stone."
"Okay fine! Doctor, I believe you! Statues summoned us to this universe! Why?!"
"I don't know, I just know they did."
"You're a fat lot of help then, aren't you?"
"I've saved the universe multiple times, I am sorry that I can't help you in a place where science is almost meaningless."
"Why? They have magic?" He said mockingly, making jazz hands while letting the rifle swing on it's sling.
"Yes, they do have magic. Why do you think they threatened you to turn you into stone?"
"Okay!" Chains shouted. "Will you two just shut up?! Give us some useful information, would you kindly?!"
"Fine, you will have to work out why they summoned you here and if not them, who?"
"Thank you Doctor," Chains began. "You are a good man, too bad you good guys got too many rules."
"I am not a good guy and it is a bad day to figure out why I have so many rules!" The Doctor shouted, giving Chains the evil eye.
"Why is that, little pony?" He bent down and patted Doctor's mane.
"Because I am not in the greatest mood!" He fumed.
"Not in the greatest mood? Coffee was too hot this morning?"
The Doctor just scowled and walked to the door frame.
Chains rose to his feet. "What are you doing?"
"Nothing, nothing."
"Why are you anyway near that door?"
The Doctor ignored them and walked off.
"Doctor, where are you going?!" The grey mare knocked down Dallas running after The Doctor.
"Alright, you ponies? Yeah, ponies. Just say down and-"
"Shush, Hoxton, shut up! Listen for a second."
Outside, muffled voices started up outside. "Pinkie, could I borrow your megaphone?"
"Of course you can, Doctor."
"How do you even- thank you anyway." The sound of electronic whirring started up. "ANY-PONY THAT IS WONDERING, THE CREATURES THAT ATTACKED THE TOWN THIS MORNING ARE IN THIS HOUSE OVER HERE!" A voice boomed, shaking the house.
"So; that's what he was doing." Chains giggled.
"Thanks a lot Chains." Hoxton slapped the back of his head.
"What have I done?"
"Oh; you might of called the things trying to turn us into statues here!"
"Guys," Dallas tapped their shoulders. "The crowd is still here." As they turned in was right, they were all still there, looking as scared as ever.
"We aren't taking hostages."
"Why not? We've done it before."
"Yeah but this are ponies, they can kick yah with their back legs."
"Right." Dallas shot in the air. "MOVE YOUR BUTTS OUT OF HERE!" He screamed.
They didn't have to think twice, they ran as hell itself had got up and chased them.
"You know we're screwed right?" Dallas said to Hoxton.
"Not if we run like hell!" He replied.
"We've done that." He sounded worried.
"We do it again!"
They ran back to the shuttle. They were tired after evading people or ponies they couldn't see, and they lent against the statues.
"If we die by the people who summoned us," Hoxton said, tapping one of the knight's shoulders.
"I am terribly sorry."
"Oh, you rotting bi-"
And there stands the demons, who ran a morning of terror through our town, frozen by their summoners.