A towering stack of papers sat atop my desk waiting for my arrival with unyielding malice, swaying with the morning breeze let through by the open windows. They almost touched the ceiling due to their sheer height, and they looked dangerously unstable, ready to fall at any moment if somepony stepped too close to them. Not cool. Definitely not cool. I’m Detective Rainbow Danger Dash, fastest, most radically awesome pony alive, and harbinger of justice to all wrong-doers! Why must this be my punishment? A day doing paper work! Leave it to the desk jockeys! The world was obviously jealous of my sheer radicoolawesomeness. That’s a word now. I inched slowly towards the stark white gargantuan structure. I did not want to do paperwork at all, much less reorganize the entire stack if it decided to fall on me. I started to pull the chair out from the desk. A grating squeaking noise was emitted from the contact between its legs and the floor, making everypony in the office cover their ears to avoid permanent damage.
“RAINBOW DASH!” The Chief shouted at the top of her lungs, even louder than the chair’s incredibly loud squeaking. The entire office stopped moving at the sound of her intimidating voice, not daring to move in case she’d hurt them. I stopped pulling the chair out immidiately. It was dead silent, only the sound of the birds tweeting merrily outside in sharp contrast to the mood inside could be heard, until the chief started to speak once more. “I was having a good day today, Rainbow. They decided not to buck with the coffee machine this morning, so it didn’t taste like dishwater mixed with diamond dog fur. I was told something I ordered was finally going to be delivered to the department today, so that’s good news, and now you come in, deciding to act like a bucking idiot just because you have ten pieces of paper on your desk, that you wouldn’t even have to do if you were to actually follow proper procedure once in a while!”
Chief took a deep breath, changing her color from a bright red into a neutral green.
Ponies began to get back to what they were doing.
The Chief walked towards me, walking through the parting sea of ponies in between her desk and mine. Her expression changed from a scowl to a polite smile. I knew something bad was about to happen to me soon.
“Rainbow, in light of your complete and utter disregard for practice, procedure, and the law itself while carrying out an investigation, it has been decided to assign you a new partner to regulate you.”
“What!? But, Chief! I have proper respect for the procedure!” I spoke truthfully. I mean, I lied through my teeth, and I knew it.
The Chief looked at me with disapproving eyes before rubbing her temples with her front hooves and sighing loudly.
“The amount of property damage alone you have caused has almost put this branch into bankrupsy.”
“Come on, it’s not that bad.”
“You blew up a house last week.”
“Nopony was in it.”
“It was a tax fraud case.”
“You have to admit, I did solve it.” I admit it, I may not follow procedure to a T, but she does have to admit that I get results. I always do.
“The rebuilding cost the government more than the tax fraud itself!”
“You know that you can’t put me on those kinds of cases! I need excitement!”
“What you need is to be sectioned!”
“You already tried that. I passed the psychological examinations.”
The Chief groaned and looked at me with evil eyes.
“You’re getting a partner, he’s going to show up today, and that is final.” The Chief spoke with finality and finally left me alone, finally.
The Chief was assigning me a partner to make sure that I don’t break stuff anymore. I don’t want some stuck up loser cramping my style! I have bad guys to catch, and whoever this stallion was, I hoped that he could keep up.
Maybe it would be a good thing. I haven’t made too many new friends since I left Ponyville. Maybe he’d be cool.
What if he’s too cool? What if he overshadows me? What if he gets all the credit in the papers instead of me?
Calm down, Rainbow. You’re getting yourself worked up over nothing. Nopony’s cooler than you. Nopony will ever be cooler than me.
I sat down at my desk and pulled out a pen.
Time to do this Celestia-damned paperwork.
Ugh.
I took the first paper off of the stack and put it in front of me. I picked up a pen with my mouth, using my teeth to sway it back and forth in front of my nose. I leaned back in my chair, stretching my legs and wings before releasing them back down. I yawned and gazed lazily at the clock on the wall behind me.
Well, time for a coffee break.
I stood up and walked towards where the machine was, when I heard the slow creaking of an opening door.
I didn’t get to see who it was before The Chief was at the door, shaking hooves and scribbling her signature onto a clipboard presented to her.
“Ahem.” She cleared her throat, trying to get everypony’s attention.
“AHEM.” She tried again, louder this time.
“HEY!” She yelled at the top of her lungs, finally succeeding in gaining the attention of everypony in the room.
“I’d like you all to meet the newest member of the team: Sparkle Industries Model-042.”
Sparkle Industries? Wasn’t that Twilight’s company?
She stepped away from the door. The whirring of motors and the grinding of gears were heard as a metal stallion stepped through the doorway, looking around at the staring crowd of ponies.
“It is a pleasure to meet you all.” Its voice was tinny and computerized, but not monotone.
The stallion seemed to be built of aluminum, and a copper trench coat was bolted onto its body as was a copper fedora on the head.
“I’m looking forward to working with all of you, and you may call me Spark, if you please.” It said, scanning the room with glowing blue eyes.
“Spark here is not a tool, unlike some of you here,” The Chief glared at me. “He is like a pony, and he should be treated like as such. I’ve been told that he is entirely sapient due to magic in his brain or something. Now get back to work! No staring!”
The Chief motioned for me to come to her desk.
Was this robot my partner?
The Chief sat down in her chair and adjusted her tie.
“Spark, this is Rainbow Dash.” She gestured towards me.
“It is nice to meet you. May I call you Rainbow?” It tipped its hat as it said this.
“Sure, whatever.” I turned away from the machine’s emotionless gaze and blew a tuft of multi-hued hair away from my eyes.
“Rainbow, Spark is going to be your new partner.”
Spark turned to face me.
“It will certainly be interesting to be working with a detective of such high status.”
“Spark, your job, as well as standard policing, will be to make sure Rainbow Dash follows proper procedure, and doesn’t blow anything up. You will report to me if she does anything reckless. Is that clear?”
“I understand, Chief.”
The phone rang and Chief picked it up. I couldn't make out what was being said on the other end.
“I’ll send a pair over to you now.” The Chief hung up the phone and looked at us. “Get your flanks over to Tower Hotel!”
“Uh, Chief, could we speak in private?”
The Chief glared at me.
“It won’t take long.”
She sighed.
“I’ll just excuse myself.” The robot walked away politely and decided to try to mingle with the other ponies.
“What do you want, Rainbow?”
“I want to know why you think I need a foalsitting robot!”
“Rainbow. I have wanted to fire you for years now. My superiors say that I shouldn’t, that we have a bad enough public image as it is, and that the ponies love you and your heroic antics. So, if you don’t want a desk job, you’ll suck it up and live with it.”
“Chief, I-“
“Now take this,” She threw a pair of keys at my face, “And go to the crime scene with the robot.”
The Chief glared at me, her eyes looked to me as if they were lit by the fires of Tartarus.
“NOW!” She yelled.
I stood up and walked out of her office towards Spark, who turned to face me. Spark was surprisingly diminutive upon closer inspection; it was an inch or two shorter than me, including the copper fedora.
“Let’s go.” I said, walking out of the door.
“Yes, ma’am.” Spark followed me outside.
I looked at my standard issue police car with disdain; I could fly way faster than that steam spewing contraption could ever go. I have a picture of a car that I really want cut out of a magazine and kept in my locker. It was a sleek, blue magic battery car with four wheel drive and speeds that rival my flying. It was really expensive, though, and I was still saving up for it. This car was just blocky, boring, and lame. I sighed and unlocked the car.
“We can fly there, if you would rather do that. It would be faster.” Spark said, tilting its head slightly to the right.
“Nah, let’s drive.” I wanted to fly quite badly, but I didn't want to take any suggestions from the tin can.
I don’t need foalsitting. I can take care of myself just fine.
I got into the driver’s seat and started the car up. Spark sat down next to me, its weight making the car sway from side to side for a second. I put the keys into the slot, started it up and we drove off.
The drive passed in relative silence, as neither I nor the robot wanted to make small talk. I glanced occasionally at it when I thought it wouldn't notice. Robots were becoming more and more common as the years go by, but one considered sapient was unheard of until fairly recently. There are still small groups of sapient machines that are fighting for equal rights to their equine creators, but there are many who oppose the movement. I still didn't know where I stood on the argument, there were many things I couldn't even wrap my brain around in even creating a thinking robot. I mean, robots are created for a purpose, and only to do that purpose. Could, should, or even would, a robot do something that they were not meant to do? Not many ponies, even, get jobs that don’t have anything to do with their cutie marks. Then again, most cutie marks can be interpreted in many ways. I just think I should try my best not to let my personal qualms with Spark affect my moral standings on other sapient robots.
When we got there, I searched around for an empty parking space in the lot. There were so many reserved spots, it made it quite hard to find one. I opened the door, and stepped into the morning air.
“Uh, listen Sparky,”
“Spark.” It interjected.
“Yeah, Sparks,”
“Spark.” It corrected once again.
“I get it, Spork,”
“Spark.”
“’Kay, whatever. Just, could you stay here?”
“I was told to make sure you don’t cause any damage.”
I sighed.
“Look, I’m just gonna go in, look around, deduce stuff, and come back out. There’s no opportunity for me to break anything, so just chill, will ya?”
The metal pony processed this for a moment, stoking its chin with a front hoof in consideration before replying.
“No, I have to come with you.” It said finally.
“Fine, whatever, Robocolt.” I spoke with a dismissive gesture.
“Spark.”
“Whatever.”
It got out of the car and followed me towards the entrance of the somewhat imposing hotel.
I looked up at the grey obelisk that was Tower Hotel. It was the tallest hotel in Canterlot, and it wasn’t cheap to stay in, only the richest ponies could stay there.
We stepped through the golden painted doors into the cool, conditioned air.
Inside, paintings from well known artists lined the walls and vases adorned with flowers sat atop small tables. Flashy, but comfy looking red couches with golden edges were arranged around coffee tables in the expansive lobby, and an army of bellhops were standing at attention, just waiting to take ponies’ bags and get enormous tips from the rich hotel guests. We looked around for any other cops to see where we were supposed to go.
“Rainbow Dash?” I heard a familiar voice behind me.
I turned around to see none other than Twilight Sparkle standing in front of me. What the hay was Twilight doing here?
“Hey, Twi.”
She ran up to me and pulled me into a tight embrace.
“Dear Celestia, Rainbow I’m so glad you’re here, it was horrible!”
“Twi-“
“It was all so sudden, a knife just- and there was no magical aura around it, so it must have-“
“Twilight.”
“Blood sprayed everywhere! I-“
“Twilight, slow down, take deep breaths.”
She did just that, letting go of me and breathing heavily before trying to talk again.
“I’m assuming you’re here to investigate, not listen to my rambling, hehe.” She smiled weakly and took a deep breath before continuing. “Conference room 32, I’ll take you there.”
“Thanks, Twi.”
She walked towards the elevator, and I followed with Spark close behind.
Twilight and I stepped on to the elevator. Spark walked on after us. The elevator made a beeping noise.
“I’ll take the stairs.” It said, walking off.
Twilight tried to press a button with her hoof, but ended up pushing a bunch in the area where her hoof was. She sighed and mumbled something about improper design before turning to face me.
“So, you were assigned Spark.”
“Uh, yeah.”
I listened to the crap elevator music for a moment. I've never liked elevators, they're too slow.
“He’s my favorite one you know.”
“Uh huh.”
“I designed him entirely by myself. He has a special magic battery in him, an experimental one that holds more energy and needs recharging less often. It’s quite essential, he has a lot of advanced parts that would very quickly drain a normal battery, but this one should last him years. Which is good, because it’s not exactly cheap to get the materials needed to make it.”
“Cool.”
“Also instead of programming like we normally would, I designed a magical entity to inhabit the mechanical body. It would learn how to control the body, like a foal learning to walk. After that, it would just follow orders given to it by ponies. I didn’t expect it to develop sapience at first, but afterwards I knew that it should have been obvious.”
“Okay.”
“I hope you two are getting along.”
“Yeah.”
“I mean, he’s basically my son.”
“What!” I wished I’d had something to drink right then so that I could spit it out. She thought of that hunk of metal as her son?
“You two are getting along, right.”
“I only just met it-er him.”
“Because it really would mean a lot to me if you two could be friends. He’s really nice, and if he seems kind of cold right now, give him time. He’ll warm up to you.”
I had to get over the fact he was just assigned to me because I was reckless and needed supervision. I needed to get along with the robot because Twilight, one of my best friends ever, wanted me to.
We waited a while in silence; the elevator door opening occasionally because of Twilight’s fumbling with the buttons.
“So, uh.” I broke the silence; Twi stared at me intently with that odd, inquisitive look in her eyes.
“How are things?” I attempted small talk. Twilight seemed to consider this question for a while before answering.
“What things?” Ugh. Twilight, buddy, I love ya, but you really need to get out more.
“Y’know, things.” I said, waving a hoof in an attempt at gesticulation.
“I really don’t know.”
The elevator doors opened to the right floor.
“Oh, we’re here.” Twilight said, stepping out through the doors. I walked after her.
She opened a door marked 32, and I walked in, passing a crowd of reporters furiously flashing photos and trying to force their way through. Questions were made incoherent, all shouted at the same time at me. Murder was a fairly uncommon occurrence in Canterlot, but usually it didn’t stir up this much attention.
Spark was already on the other side, waiting for me.
“Hi, Spark.”
“Hello, Rainbow Dash. You got my name right this time. Her name was Golden Bits. She was 34, a financial advisor for Sparkle Industries.”
That’s why Twilight is here.
I surveyed the scene. There was a long meeting table, with knocked over chairs surrounding it. The victim was slouched against the back of her chair, her expensive-looking suit colored red from blood spilled by a slit throat. There was a note lying on the table in front of her. I went over to read it.
“Who is next? You decide.” Spark startled me slightly when it-he spoke.
“What?”
“That is what the note reads.”
I confirmed that fact. It was typed with a typewriter. Word must’ve gotten out that there was a serial killer. The media just soaked that stuff up. They'd expect me to play hero, and I’d gladly oblige.
‘You Decide’? What is that supposed to mean? I’d better just focus on this crime scene before focusing on the next.
“No trace of the murder weapon?”
“No.”
“Has the slash been analyzed, can we determine the weapon?”
“Yes. Standard issue Equestrian Army Knife.”
“Could we be dealing with a former soldier?”
“It is certainly possible.”
I looked around the room some more, I couldn’t see any trace that the murderer could have left. They were really thorough.
“Let’s bring some witnesses in for questioning.”
“The knife, it was floating, but there was no aura around it! By the time she saw it, it was too late, her throat was slit! Poor Goldie. I heard she was going to be promoted soon.”
I’d listened to eight of these eyewitness reports already, they were all consistent. They were executives at Sparkle Industries having a meeting until a floating knife comes out of nowhere and slits the throat of Golden Bits. I only needed to talk to one more pony, and that was Twilight Sparkle herself.
Twilight came through the door and sat down at the table in front of Spark and me.
“I’m sure you’ve heard the whole story from everypony else with the floating knife and all that. So, I’m just going to say what I think might be useful to you. Is that alright?”
I looked at Spark, and he nodded to me.
“Yeah. That’s fine.”
“Alright. I have a theory. The only plausible way that I can think of to explain this is if the culprit were to have used an invisibility spell.”
“An invisibility spell exists?” I knew all sorts of spells existed, but I had to make sure. I didn’t know much about magic.
“Yes, but it is a very advanced spell. The ponies that can learn it and when it is used is highly regulated. It is one of the illegal spells. There aren’t many uses for it that are not malicious. If a unicorn wants to learn this spell and use it, they have to register with the Illegal Spells Archive with personal information, why they plan on using it and when they plan on using it.” Twilight explained, lifting a glass of water to her lips with magic after speaking.
“What stops a unicorn from using it on a different time than they said?” I inquired, leaning forwards slightly.
“A tracking spell is set up in most large cities to track the usage of illegal spells, so the office is notified when an archived illegal spell is used.”
“All we have to do is check with the archive to see if an invisibility spell was used outside of a specified date or if somepony had registered to use it for today.” Spark said.
“Exactly.”
Twilight told us where the Archive was, we found it easily. I wondered briefly why there weren’t many other incidents where illegal spells were used, but the thought quickly passed as we pulled into the empty parking lot.
It looked like a fairly standard library from the outside, not ornate like the libraries built in Canterlot a long time ago.
Spark and I got out of the car and walked the steps up to the building. I attempted to push open the door, my first attempt not working, I turned around and pushed with my back and shoulders, but the door wouldn’t budge.
Spark walked over and pulled them open, pointing to a sign on the door that read ‘Pull’.
“I-I saw that!” I stammered out, flustered.
“Sure, Rainbow.” Spark replied dryly.
Wait a second.
“Were you just being sarcastic?”
“I don’t know what you are talking about.”
“What do you mean? I heard you!”
“Of course you did, because robots can definitely be sarcastic.”
“You did it again!”
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’m doing. Am I upsetting you?”
“No, no. You just remind me of Twilight.”
I think Spark is developing a personality, and I don’t think he knows it.
Spark held the door open for me before walking through himself.
We stood in front of a large front desk made of wood. Sitting in the desk was a unicorn stallion fiddling with a puzzle cube out of the hundreds of different types and varieties of colorful puzzle cubes that covered the top of the desk. I cleared my throat to get his attention.
“One second,” He said. Then, he stuck his tongue out the side of his mouth and slowly turned a side of the cube so that all of the colors matched. He pushed away the cube he was using into the completed pile, took out a piece of paper and wrote down a tally mark. Once that was done, he turned to look at us.
“Hello there! Welcome to the Illegal Spells Archive! I never get visitors, it’s so boring.” Grinning widely, the odd stallion stuck his front hooves out to the sides, gesturing to the area around him. “I’m Puzzler. How may I be of service?”
“Hi, I’m Detective Rainbow Dash with the Canterlot PD, and-“
Puzzler gasped excitedly before starting to talk at an incredibly fast pace, making it had to follow.
“Oh, you’re working on that serial killer case, aren’t you! It was all over the news! I just love those, they’re so interesting. Not that I enjoy seeing ponies dying-“
“We want to check out to see if there were any invisibility spells registered for use today.” Spark stopped Puzzler from continuing.
“There was one, as a matter of fact, let me get the paper out.”
Puzzler hummed to himself as he rummaged through the drawer in search of the record of illegal spell usage. He gasped shortly and popped up with a paper levitated in front of his face.
“Here we are, and the name of the pony who registered the invisibility spell for today was-“
Suddenly, a flaming arrow shot through the window to the side, went through the paper and impaled Puzzler through the eyeball, pinning the poor guy to the wall and killing him instantly. Blood gushed out of the wound, soaking his fur and painting the wall behind him dark red. I scrambled for the paper, hoping to read the information on it before it was completely burnt. I was too late.
“Dammit! So close!” I yelled, punching the desk with a front hoof.
“I calculated the trajectory of the arrow, we should chase the killer down.”
The arrow started glowing a blinding bright red and giving off puffs of smoke.
“We should do that RIGHT NOW!” I yelled, galloping out of the door, Spark following close behind.
We dove outside the Archive, seconds before a fiery explosion blasted through the windows and door of the archive, making the glass shatter outwards and rocketing us forward out of the door. We rolled on the ground before coming to a stop. A fragment of the shattered door fell on top of Spark. I jumped back upright and broke one of the rules of coolness by looking back at the exploded archive before helping the heavy robot next to me up to a standing position.
“There.” Spark pointed to somepony on the roof.
“Let’s fly!” I said, opening my wings and getting a running start.
I flapped with my wings and my hooves left the ground, I gained altitude quickly with each flap, and soon I was looking down at the building from up in the air. I looked behind me to see Spark, whose copper trench coat had unfolded into a set of rigid copper wings with tubular, whirring engines under them.
Our culprit was sprinting across the rooftops of the tall buildings, leaping across a gap and landing on the next building gracefully. I dashed downwards at the galloping pony, who put their head downwards and ran faster. They were dressed in a black skintight bodysuit and a face concealing mask. I flapped once more to get ahead of them, then putting my wings at my sides, I dove downwards, tackling the pony. I used too much strength, and we were sent barreling off the side of the building, spinning in all directions. The killer pushed my hooves off from around her; I could see that she was a mare. She spun in midair, kicking me in the face, and sending me spinning vertically. I tried to catch air with my wings and slow my descent, but I was spinning too fast and couldn’t judge my orientation. I caught a glimpse of her horn glowing, putting a protection spell on herself just before hitting the ground.
Spark flew by and caught me before I could hit the ground, knocking the air out of me. I saw the killer running in the opposite direction. I tried to speak, finding that it wasn’t working, I took breaths, short at first, and longer later as my lungs refilled.
“No! That way! Let go of me!” I struggled against Spark’s grasp.
Spark turned around, and with a sudden burst of acceleration in the right direction, threw me towards the unicorn mare. I flapped my wings to get back in control just as the killer turned down an alleyway. I turned after her and saw her dive into a black car, speeding off back out of the alleyway. I turned around once again, chasing after the car.
“Grab on to me, Rainbow.” Spark said calmly in contrast to the situation.
“What?”
“GRAB ON TO ME, RAINBOW.” Spark repeated in the same tone of voice, only louder.
I slowed down slightly and put my hooves around Spark’s neck.
“Hold on tightly.”
He sped up quickly, getting pretty far ahead of the speeding car. When he was far enough in front, he closed his wings, and we dropped like rocks, head first through the back wind of the black car into the back seats, Spark’s body protecting me from the shattering glass. The car lurched with the added weight, and the driving mare looked at the rear view mirror, seeing us in the back seat.
“You’re under arrest for the murders of Golden Bits and Puzzler! Pull over!” I yelled at her.
Instead of complying, she pulled out a huge, intimidating shotgun from under her seat, pointing it directly at us. Leaning the gun against the side of the seats, she reached for the trigger.
“Duck!” I yelled, pulling Spark’s head down, my eyes wide and pupils constricted.
The bullets exploded out of the barrel of the gun with a deafening bang and a bright flash after the trigger was pulled, hitting and breaking the pieces left in the back windshield, tearing the back seat into shreds of foam and puncturing the tires of a car that had just pulled into our lane. It left my ears ringing, and I couldn’t hear for a little while afterwards. I looked back and could see the car’s occupant screaming as the car lurched forward and spun around, crashing into the cars nearby. More cars smashed into the wrecked vehicles, creating a massive pileup behind us.
The killer pulled the stick into a higher gear using her magic, bending it so that it couldn’t be moved back. She then opened the door and dove out of the car, rolling with the impact with the ground. I looked out the front windshield to see she had pointed us at a sharp incline just before jumping out. Before I could do anything, the car drove right up the incline, sending it airborne. We were flying at a high speed right off of the edge of Canterlot. Gravity caught up to the car and it started to plummet towards the ground below.
Definitely not screaming at all, I pulled furiously at the door handle, which wouldn’t budge. In a moment of clarity, I pressed the button to unlock the doors before pulling at the handle again. I struggled to open it due to the pressure difference , but eventually got it. I pulled Spark out by the hoof and flew out of the car door. Spark’s engines kicked in and I let go of him, slowly flapping my wings to maintain a hovering position as I watched the black car fall to the ground.
“That. Was. AWESOME!” I yelled, pumping a hoof in the air.
I held out a hoof for Spark, who looked at it uncertainly.
“Come on, bump it.”
Spark lifted his hooves up and shook my outstretched hoof.
“Eh, close enough.”
We flew back up to the ground and landed. My adrenaline rush wore out and I collapsed, breathing heavily. I looked back at the smoking wreckage of cars that piled up due to the one that the killer shot the tires of and let out a pained sigh.
“The Chief is going to kill me.”
“You think?”
“Spark. I know you know you’re doing that.”
“Do I know?”
“I know you know.”
“I’m not sure I know what you think you know that I know.”
“Look, I know that… Wait, who knows what again?”
“You said that you know that I know what I-“
“Just… Stop, ‘Kay?”
