Xenophilia: Head Shots

by SpinelStride

Rating: mature
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Other, Lyra, Romance, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Sex
Length: 4848

Rainbow Dash realized she wasn't treating Lyra Heartstrings right. Now they've gone out on a date. It's the question of her life - is Rainbow Dash going faster than she can handle?

A follow-up to Xenophilia: The Blank Plague and Xenophilia: Plague's End.

Rainbow Dash is not into mares. Rainbow Dash is into Lero, her human 'stallion.' But Equestrian society's gender imbalance means one stallion almost never ends up with just one mare. Rainbow Dash has accepted that she shares her stallion with her friend Twilight Sparkle and also with Grandmaster Lyra Heartstrings. Rainbow Dash learned to love Twilight with Lero's help, but she just hasn't gone adventuring with Lyra, worn an Element of Harmony by her side, saved Equestria, or even really spent a whole lot of one-on-one time with her that didn't involve martial arts training.

Now Rainbow Dash's famed loyalty has made her recognize that she's not doing right by her herd to leave Lyra as a 'third wing' in their shared home. She's going to make it right. But even now, is romance really something Rainbow Dash can handle?

Contains *cough cough* achievement of personal satisfaction.

Published 2013-08-16 16:50:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-16 16:50:03 UTC

Date Night

Rainbow Dash wracked her mind for an appropriate word. Definitely not 'awesome.' That wouldn't be the right word under any circumstances. Even Rarity wouldn't have wanted to call it awesome, and Rarity liked that kind of stuff. Same for 'radical' or 'cool.' And while 'amazing' might maybe have worked, Rainbow Dash always thought that word was supposed to be for more active, death-defying sorts of stuff. She settled on the kinda-lame-but-not-wrong answer.

"So, uh, Lyra. That concert was good, right?" she asked, trotting along next to her herdmate.

Lyra smiled at her. "Yes, Rainbow. It was very good. Octavia's quartet is one of the best in Equestria. I'm glad you enjoyed it."

Lyra politely didn't mention to her alpha mare that she'd spent most of the concert discreetly using her horn to keep Rainbow Dash's mouth shut so the sleeping pegasus would neither snore or drool.

Sweet Celestia, could that mare snore. Forget Octavia, Rainbow Dash could drown out DJ PON-3 at full volume. And she'd been out like a light five minutes into the performance.

Still, it was a brave gesture, and very sweet of her to make the offer. Just the two of them, going to a musical performance together. Lyra hadn't been to one with only one other mare since moving out of Bon-Bon's place. Lero went with her sometimes, and every so often Twilight would join the both of them when he thought their purple pony prodigy needed to set her books aside for a while, but Rainbow Dash and classical music went together like...

Well, somewhat worse than Applejack and dubtrot, but not too far off.

"So, um... Do you want to get a drink or anything?" Rainbow Dash asked. Her mane was uncharacteristically kempt, even after sleeping through most of the concert, and she'd let Rarity outfit her with a simple but effective dress. Almost like formal barding, really, a deep crimson fabric making a set of shoulders, a slim strap down her back, and red draperies against her flanks, the fabric puffed back there. Those ridiculous gold fake feathers in place, too. She'd even admitted to Rarity that it looked good on her.

She hated saying she looked good. It always made her squirm a little inside. Looking good wasn't Rainbow Dash. Looking awesome, radical, and cool, of course.

Looking good was for mares who looked good.

Rarity was really good at helping her fake it, though. Sometimes she almost believed it, when she saw the results.

"That sounds like a good idea," Lyra said. She wasn't going to say no to anything Rainbow Dash wanted. Not tonight. That sweet mare was trying so hard to 'get it right' and so clearly on the verge of bolting at any moment if things started to fall apart. Be the stone amidst the stream. Let things be and become and shape, and endure and be shaped by them in turn. Be the anchor on whom others can hold tight. And a drink certainly wouldn't hurt either of them.

"Uh... What's your favorite place?" Rainbow Dash asked. Ugh, what a lame question. She should know that sort of stuff, she'd only been herding with Lyra for like ever at this point! But that was the point, wasn't it, that she didn't know that sort of stuff, and how else was she supposed to find out about it? That's what the whole date night thing was for.

"I know it's not a traditional bar, but I like Verdant Greens," Lyra told her. Close enough to true. She hadn't set hoof in her favorite bar in years. That wouldn't be a good idea, even now. And Verdant Greens was always a quiet, pleasant place to have a glass and a few flowers in any town.

"Okay," said Rainbow Dash, trying very hard to not let her dubiousness show. Verdant Greens? That daisy chain? Not exactly a place Rainbow Dash would have ever thought to go when she wanted to get a buzz on. But she didn't want to get a buzz on tonight, that was the point too, right? This was gonna just be some friendly conversation, talking to each other about stuff beyond the herd and martial arts, getting to know each other for each other, and romance, and all that stuff.

All the same, she really really really wanted to see Lyra Heartstrings in a barfight. She would just sit there and make that little smile of hers and she would just totally wreck the place and those big jerk mares would be chucked right through the window, and it'd all end with one last bit spinning around on the bartop and settling into place as Rainbow Dash and Lyra strutted out through the smashed tables and chairs.

Rainbow Dash had to work really hard at not letting her wings extend. Okay. Wrong kind of excitement, but still. So awesome. She was so totally lucky to be herding with a completely badflank mare, and if a badflank mare wanted to drink at Verdant Greens tonight, that would be awesome too. Somehow.

Lyra tactfully didn't mention the wingflutter either. She was pretty sure Rainbow Dash wasn't all that interested in Verdant Greens.

***

They shared a salad and a bottle of wine at a booth. Lyra let Rainbow Dash choose a seat, then sat across from her. Nonconfrontational, not pushing, not pressing. Let the moments happen and choose the times to act. And for the love of Celestia, Luna, Cadence, and any other princesses who might be listening, don't break out any of her old date techniques.

Then again, with Rainbow Dash, "Bet I can get your eyes to cross in two minutes or less" might not be a bad strategy.

No. Bad Lyra. Bad Lyra stays in the past.

"So, uh, when'd you hear about Octavia?" Rainbow Dash asked. Okay, that worked. Topical, something she didn't really know, something she wasn't supposed to already know, probably. And something that wasn't going to get her wings cranked out. Stupid nerves. Rainbow Dash was a radical, awesome, cool pony, she did not get nervous about... plans for later. Or think waaaaay too hard about them. Or Lero's place in them. Or Lero's...

She pressed her wings to her sides again.

"Originally, or this concert?" Lyra asked. She did not ask, "Need someone to help with a little massage, honeybunch?" Besides being much too overt, acknowledging she saw anything would just make her more nervous, 'honeybunch' was much too close to a certain bigoted farmpony, and asking anypony who was herding with Lero if they needed a massage was pretty much just ludicrous on the face of it.

"Either?" asked Rainbow Dash. Smooth move, featherbrain. Was Octavia that famous? Was she supposed to have just known about her a long time ago? She hadn't ever noticed her until the Gala.

"She's been an up-and-coming classical musician for several years," Lyra confirmed. "She was picked for the Gala three years ago and has been the main ballroom lead ever since. She's doing a short tour of central Equestria this year, small shows, but the word spread around musical circles. A little secret, ish." There. Good answer. Not condescending, not making it sound like Rainbow Dash should have known, even giving her a good excuse not to have known. And not a word about what she could do with a feather, her horn, and a rubber band. She'd stuck that line in the back of the closet for good when somepony took her up on it and they both found out it wasn't as exciting as it sounded.

It'd ended up a pretty good night anyhow.

No. Bad Lyra.

"Oh," said Rainbow Dash. "So... um. Is she still mad about that one year?" Just because Princess Celestia had been totally cool about the whole thing and hung out with them all at Donut Joe's like a regular pony and it was the Best Night Ever, that didn't mean everypony else saw it the same way. Soarin remembered she saved his pie, though.

Lyra laughed. "Furious. But the princess hired her to come again the next year and present an original composition at the Gala, and that calmed her down." She wrote a symphony about that night, actually. A very unusual symphony. It was not flattering to almost anypony involved. The Rainbow Waltz at least was just high-paced violins with cymbals crashing every now and then, but the Pink Polka was just shy of having actual whoopee cushions used as instruments. The Fluttering Foxtrot started out syrupily pastoral, then turned into something very heavy on percussion and minor keys. Lyra was sure when she heard that part that Octavia was already familiar with Vinyl Scratch's work. The Twilight Tango wasn't too bad, just a very difficult piece with lots of stutters in the music, and the Apple Etude was close to sympathetic. The Rare Treat was the only openly positive piece in the thing. Blueblood getting told off wasn't going to make any ponies unhappy.

"Oh. Uh. Good?" Rainbow Dash hoped that was good. She got to have another Gala and she got to do an original composition, so that was like getting to make up her own trick for an air show, right? She couldn't be totally mad. Princess Celestia fixed it. Princesses were just awesome that way.

"It all worked out," Lyra reassured her lead mare. Don't think about the Rainbow Waltz, don't think about the Rainbow Waltz. Sweet Celestia don't break out the "I've got a harp on" line, that one came out so very very wrong every time. Like she thought she was a stallion. Stars dancing in the night sky. No, not dancing to the Rainbow Waltz. Wrong peaceful place for that moment.

Rainbow Dash looked down at the mostly-empty bottle, then blinked. Oh. Stupid stupid stupid... She scooted herself around in the booth to move up against Lyra's side. Should've done that near the beginning. Not like she hadn't hugged before, so why sit across the table from her? Wait, did Lyra sit down across? Dangit, Lyra was trying to not push her, and that was just the right thing to do. Serene Grandmaster even knows how to do a date with a way-too-many-nerves-for-her-coolness pegasus. Just a friendly nuzzle, then. Come on, Rainbow, you can do this. There we go.

Lyra was careful to return the nuzzle gently. Brave mare, working on making it all work out. Just keep building her confidence. Social situations aren't anything Rainbow Dash likes. Oh Luna's dark and shiny flank do not do The Trick, Verdant Greens would not have been a place to do The Trick even back when The Trick was something she did. Mighty tree growing with the sun's light, mighty tree growing with the sun's light.

"So... You wanna go back to our place?" Rainbow Dash asked. Okay, that wasn't bad. Going home together was good, even if it was what was going to happen no matter what since they were already herding together and everything. Good next step anyhow. And Lero was at home. Lyra totally loved Lero too, so she had to be excited about... plans for later.

"That sounds like an excellent idea," Lyra agreed. Lero should have had everything ready.

***

The massage was pretty nice. Rainbow Dash knew the difference between boasting and just plain stating facts. She knew that maybe it was boasting to say she was the best flier in Equestria, since even if it was totally wrong somepony could argue the point and say she didn't do enough team flying or she didn't stick to a routine every time or something dumb like that. But there was just no denying from anypony anywhere that her Lero gave the best massages anywhere. So sharing a massage with Lyra had been pretty nice too. It was pretty cozy laying side to side and letting Lero's fingers work their very special magic.

And if Lero did a few things in that massage that no way would he have ever done in the spa, well, those felt completely amazing too. And she was so relaxed by then that it was way easier to be pressed up against Lyra while those things were happening, and that was part of the point too, right? She wouldn't get too interested just by Lyra alone, but she wouldn't get interested by Twilight alone either, and they were both unicorns so she could think about the same things to help get in the mood, right?

Like what it would be like to have a horn. It totally looked like fun when Lero was playing with Twilight's horn. Lyra was a lot quieter, but she made those little noises say so very very much. All those gasps and noises Twilight did, that always made Rainbow Dash think of hot and heavy stuff, but Lyra made it seem romantic, and somehow romantic in a way that made Rainbow Dash want to keep following along. Not like swoop-ye-off-ye-hooves-fair-maiden old-timey romantic like Rarity did, but more, well... physically romantic.

Kinda like Lero and Lyra were in love too. Lots of sky to explore, Rainbow.

Lyra was feeling good too. Her armor had arrived weeks ago, and she had it all polished up to the point where the most grizzled, angry sergeant the Guard ever saw would have been forced to grudgingly admit it might pass inspection on the first try on a good day if she was feeling generous. So far as Lyra knew, passing inspection on the first try was a pure myth spread to keep recruits' morale up. She'd told Lero the plan and they'd come up with a plot together. Lyra hadn't done games with Lero as much as he'd done with the other two mares, but she could play a Guard pony pretty darned well.

Lyra waited outside the bedroom, listening. She'd decided the better course would be to not be present while Lero got the ropes in place. Rainbow Dash might flash back to Lyra tying her wings up back in the palace if they were all there and Rainbow wasn't comfortable with her yet. Tonight was a big step. Handling everything carefully was paramount. Lero reminded his lead mare that 'Bellerophon' or 'Heartstrings' was the safeword. One full name and everything would stop, guaranteed. Lyra put those two words at the front of her mind.

Lero came out and gave Lyra a thumbs-up. She loved that gesture. Curling his fingers all together, showing more dexterity in a single movement than most ponies could ever hope to have, making a hoof of his hand, then sliding a single digit out like a horn, a wordless promise that all was well.

"Showtime," Lyra said, and went in, putting on her best Drill Sergeant Face.

Rainbow Dash reflexively tugged at the ropes when she saw the expression on Lyra. Lero'd done such a great job with them again, though, she was held tight. Seeing Lyra Heartstrings with that look on her face... that'd send a shiver down a pegasus' spine, even a completely awesome one, even if she wasn't tied up at all. That wasn't even the calm and peaceful look she did while practicing hoof-throws with Rainbow. That was a You Are In The Clouds So Deep You're Underwater look.

"So," Lyra growled. "You thought you could impersonate Rainbow Dash, did you, changeling? Just sneak into the palace while everypony's distracted and steal the Element of Loyalty?" She hoped the pegasus would get the hint. This wasn't exactly a script from a story.

"Wha... Oh! Oh. No way! I'm Rainbow Dash!" the cyan mare insisted. Okay, pretty cool twist on an interrogation scene. Maybe she'd have to prove she was herself? But how was she supposed to do that, tied up? Lyra was totally intimidating in that armor, but she was somehow making it be 'in trouble' instead of 'in danger.'

"Pshaw!" Lyra declared. "Rainbow Dash is the fastest pegasus in Equestria. If she'd been running from us, even the Wonderbolts couldn't have caught her. You got caught, therefore you're just not as sheerly amazing as Rainbow Dash is. We'll have the truth out of you soon enough!" Okay, message received, and Rainbow Dash wasn't exactly hiding her interest. "We'll see what Captain Fingers has to say about this!"

"Captain Fingers?" Rainbow Dash blurted out, starting to laugh - and then her eyes went wide as the door opened.

Lero stepped in. Rainbow Dash had never dreamed he would look so... completely... awesome in armor. He couldn't possibly fit into a normal Guard outfit, so that totally had to be custom-made. But how would he have...

"Time out, time out, time out!" Rainbow Dash declared, unable to pull her eyes away. "Lero, where the hay did you get that?"

"Somepony likes the look," Lyra commented. Oh no. Not hiding that interest, not one bit. Not that she could hide that interest with her legs tied down and apart like that.

"A gift from Canterlot," Lero said. "When Luna was getting better, but not completely out of the woods, Rotten Apple asked me to stop by the barracks one day. He's one of the Royal Guards. When I got down there, they sprung this on me." He coughed for a moment and put his hand in front of his face. "And among other things, declared me an honorary Royal Guard, for 'meritorious service to the Crown.'"

Lyra kept her face straight. She could guess just what other things they'd sprung on him. She'd spent enough nights with a bunch of mares going through Basic to know what was going to be on a bunch of stallions' minds when they started thinking about what you could do with a set of hands. Too bad for them, those hands were for her.

Rainbow Dash ogled Lero. Golden chestplate, with caps on his shoulders and, oh, awesome touch, a sky-blue cape with rainbow-ribbon trim around the edges, that was just so amazingly Lero of him to have that detail. A knee-length kilt of metal bars, and then armor plates strapped to his arms and legs. And a set of boots with wings on the ankles and lots of gold trim all over them. The most utterly super-cool helmet ever made. There was just one thing to say.

"That. Is. So. AWESOME!" she squealed, squirming in the ropes in her efforts to bring her hooves to her face. "Lero, you know what this means? The hottest bunch of stallions in all of Equestria invited my stallion to join them! You have got to wear that down to the market! Can I get one? We could all go down together and mrmmph!"

Lyra held her hoof in Rainbow's mouth, then gave her a wink. "The prisoner appears to be worried, Captain Fingers," she said loudly. "She's still insisting she's the real Rainbow Dash. Orders, sir?"

Lero was totally not keeping a straight face, but Rainbow Dash was still ogling all that armor. So. So. So. Badflank. "I suppose we'll have to make her slip up, won't we, Sergeant Horny?" he said.

"And how do we do that, Captain?" asked Lyra, and pulled her hoof from Rainbow Dash's mouth. Wet, but not like she wasn't planning on getting her hooves sticky tonight anyhow.

Rainbow Dash shivered as Lero ran a hand along her leg. "Oh, I can think of a few ways," Lero said. "I hear changelings can't keep their shape if they get... excited. Or if they have too much love around. And if all else fails, I think there's one all-purpose solution."

"Love, Captain?" Lyra asked, doing her best to sound breathy. Singing was her forte in the performing arts. Acting wasn't her specialty. But the moment called for it.

"Why, yes, Sergeant Horny," Lero responded. Lyra let out a soft moan as his other hand caressed around the base of her horn. She felt a tingle dancing along her horn as that delicate touch urged magic to dance out. "Love. I think we can make some of that." Lyra's knees felt weak as his fingers traced along her spiral fluting. Grace, beauty, philosophical admiration, all of those had their moments, but this moment was for just plain lust.

Rainbow Dash swallowed. Feathering bucking fragging rutting princesses in heat this was making her wings ache. Next time they played Defiling Daring no way was Lero not going to seduce somepony. His hand moved against her and Rainbow Dash gasped out, jerking at the ropes.

"I think I can manage that, sir," Lyra forced out, eyes closed while Lero played with her horn. He bent down and very gently touched those sharp teeth of his against the tip of her horn, not a bite, not even a nibble, just a touch, but it make her breath catch in her throat. Oh, yes. Some of her favorite moments.

Rainbow Dash groaned out again as Lero's fingers found a new spot. She was so going to have to have hours and hours and hours of hot sweaty amazingtacular revenge already, but she didn't even pretend she didn't want more. "I think we're already getting through to her, Sergant," Lero's voice floated to her. "Give her a little buzz, show her we mean business." Buzz? What kind of a...

Rainbow Dash's cry was music to Lyra's ears. Twilight might have more power, might even have more precision, but that didn't mean she knew how to use it. Silly filly wasn't the social sort. She'd probably never learned about the fun things a horn could do. A little rapid vibration moving across some carefully chosen spots, and oh, yes. Try to stay still while that was going on. On impulse, Lyra bent to give Rainbow a kiss. Well below the belly, not quite into anything too direct, but making it perfectly clear where the next one would go. She felt Rainbow Dash's heartbeat racing, but heard not a sound of complaint.

"I think she liked that," Lero said. Rainbow Dash was still getting her breath back, but she saw him take his helmet off. "Let me try," he said. Now he had both hands on her thighs, and oh yes he was so very good at that. She felt actively sorry for all the mares whose stallions wouldn't even think to learn how to do that for a mare, let alone want to. And he knew just how much to tease her to make her want it so much. She was losing like two out of three games lately and she totally didn't care. The rebel encampments couldn't possibly mind getting caught in Lero's hands.

"Not too much, Captain," Lyra said, and gave Rainbow Dash a nuzzle. Keep her engaged, keep her aroused, keep making physical contact. Get Lero's hands back where they belonged, on her. Well. Share a little. Be good, Lyra.

"Of course not," Lero said. Rainbow Dash groaned when he pulled away. Oh buck she wanted him to keep that up. But he stripped out of the rest of the armor, except the boots, and then he was laying back atop Rainbow's belly, his arms reaching back to tuck underneath her wings, his fingers coming to rest right in the middle of her back and Rainbow Dash let out a gasp again. He was on top of her, his shoulderblades against her chest, but holding most of his weight on his arms, and there wasn't a stallion in the world who could move his forelegs into that position. And his hips were just below Rainbow's groin, and his back was pressing right into her. How did he come up with a position like that?

Lyra got herself into position too. Her turn to play with Lero's horn. So to speak. Not her usual style, but Rainbow couldn't see from her angle, so doing something with a little more noise to it would be good.

Rainbow Dash was pretty sure she was going to explode. The really, really, really good way. Lero's hips were moving just enough and she could hear everything, and Lero's fingers were playing between her wings. "I... really am Rainbow Dash," she gasped out with the little breath she could find.

It hit her like a Sonic Rainboom. Almost. Not quite. The ones when she was in heat, those were total Sonic Rainbooms. But way, way close. When she'd stopped screaming, Lero wasn't on her anymore. He'd rolled off, and he was kissing her. Her nostrils were still flaring while she kissed back. And realized there was another tongue involved, elsewhere. It... wasn't bad, actually. Pretty nice. If Lero weren't there she might still shy away, but maybe getting over it with Twilight had...

Well, that was at least a boomlet. But it caught her by surprise. No way was that a Still Way secret, but how did Twilight not know this stuff? That was...

catch some breath, catch some breath, she won't do that again will...

Hhhhahhh... hhhhahhhhh... hhhhahhhh....

Lyra let Old Lyra out long enough for a devious smirk, as long as her mouth wasn't visible.

"I think it's time to break out the big guns," Captain Fingers said.

Lyra took one more pass with her tongue and savored the groan. "Aye, sir," she replied. Okay. Big finish time, a little pushing now, be ready to back off if she doesn't take it well. She moved up, belly to belly with her lead mare, and kept going. She couldn't do that thing where Lero had his arms behind him and holding his weight, but she could sit up and tuck her hooves back underneath into the same spots. Which left her in a spot where it would be very bad to be if Rainbow Dash really was a changeling, with those fangs of theirs.

Rainbow Dash had time to get her lungs filled while Lyra moved. And now... okay, Rainbow. That is kinda right in your face. But she's totally in your herd, and ohhhhh Lero back to work...

The pegasus moaned. Okay, yes, she was totally fine with in-your-face if Lero was doing that with his fingers. And Lyra was an epic badflank Grandmaster, one hundred percent okay to learn lessons from a Grandmaster, right? And Lyra was so obviously into it too, it'd be just like being in heat, and even the bentest mare would still help out a friend in heat, right?

Lyra closed her eyes as she felt Rainbow's kiss. Elation filled her. Not like she was going to stop, but that, that right there, that was the moment to remember. That was Rainbow.

Ooooh. And that was Lero's fingers on her head and she could find room to remember that bit too. And that one.

Rainbow felt Lero shifting. Oh yes. Magic tricks or none, grandmaster or not, there just wasn't anything quite like...

... So. Bucking. Awesome. Yeah. When that found its home.

Lyra felt Lero kissing her horn. His tongue was very busy. His hands were on her sides, massaging at her just the way she liked. And Rainbow hadn't stopped. Every sordid night of Old Lyra's life put together wasn't as good as this one moment.

Rainbow Dash felt Lyra's hoof move. Just a little twitch, no bucking fair that she could move like that even kneeling and hit that spot, and then she was moving it aga...

Lero didn't last too much longer with that going on. Lyra felt him hugging her harder, and she groaned softly. Rainbow Dash was a little too busy yelling to be putting her mouth to any other purpose. Lero's hand slid down her side, and Lyra groaned again. He found her, and she had a Still Moment of perfection.

After taking time to savor it, Lyra untangled herself from Rainbow's wings and lay down against her side, giving her panting herdmate a kiss on the cheek. Lero bent down to kiss them both.

"Best. Herd. Ever," Rainbow Dash moaned proudly.

"I think we've proven her innocence, Captain," Lyra murmured, and nuzzled Rainbow Dash's cheek. "A changeling couldn't be that awesome, could one? She'd have exploded by now."

Lero kissed them both again. "I suppose I'd better have an official apology prepared for having doubts," he said, and then he pushed himself up. Rainbow Dash blinked after him as he walked out of the room, wearing nothing but those boots. What the hay?

Lyra nuzzled her cheek, and whispered to her, "Love you, Rainbow."

Rainbow Dash swallowed. Always trouble with the L-word. But, c'mon, best herd ever. Totally worth it. "L... love you too, Lyra."

The door opened. Rainbow Dash goggled. That tight blue flightsuit really emphasized some things amazingly well. And Lero looked completely awesome in flight glasses. But...

"Lieutenant Wingman, honorary Wonderbolt, here to apologize for the confusion, ma'am!" Lero declared.

Rainbow Dash's jaw dropped open. Lyra's mouth drew into a wide smile.

And then Lyra was clutching at her ears as Rainbow Dash bellowed, "No way! No bucking way! Lero did NOT get into the Wonderbolts before ME!"