The Greatest Crossover Ever!

by RainbowBob

Rating: teen
Tags: Crossover, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Random
Length: 2687

Time to crossover five of the most well known figures of pulp culture! This should end well!

What do you get when you crossover Spider-Man, Gandalf, RoboCop, Super Mario and Boba Fett with My Little Pony? A story so good, you need Michael Bay himself to film it!

Thanks to TheAspiringWriter93 and Skeeter The Lurker for pre-reading!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-10 16:30:01 UTC

Chapter 1: No Title Can Appropriately Be Made For This Chapter

“Is that all you got, Twilight Sparkle?”

Twilight lifted her head up from its resting place on the hard floor. Her vision blurred as her head swam, but she finally got enough eyesight to see the slowly approaching dark figure make his way towards her.

“I expected more from a... princess,” the figure chuckled, a devilish smile of white fangs flashing in the shadows obscuring his face. “That is what your title is nowadays, right? How cute. Like all little fillies out there, you finally got your wish fulfilled to wear a tiara on your head.”

“Shut it, Sombra,” Twilight spat, struggling to her hooves. The bruises and scrapes along her backside prevented her from accomplishing much movement. With a hiss of her breath, she finally succeeded in getting up to her knees.

Sombra just smiled gleefully at her attempts to stand. Like a foal taking its first steps. “That is the best comeback you can make up on the spot for me? I expected more along the lines of ‘you won’t get away with this’ or perhaps even ‘you sick minded monster,’ but instead I get something as mundane as ‘shut it?’ I am very disappointed.”

Twilight grimaced, just barely getting steady on her hooves. But the effort was too much. She had already exhausted too much of her magic beforehand, so now she was nearly depleted. Along with the physical combat that left her beaten in a pile of pure pain, she didn’t know how much longer she could go on.

Taking in deep breaths as the toil of just moving exhausted her, she said, “You... should be disappointed in yourself... Sombra. Hurting all these ponies... attacking the princesses and my friends... you’re nothing more than... than...”

“A monster? A tyrant? A deprived equine with complete lack of morals or ethics?” Sombra patted her lightly on the cheek, still grinning madly at her. “All those are correct and more, my dear.”

The king did a cliche-as-ever villainous laugh that sent shudders down the listener’s spine. Looking around at the ruins of what was once the throne room of Canterlot castle, his smugness rose to new levels over his accomplished victory.

Twilight, in turn glanced to the side of the room, where the unconscious figures of her friends and the princesses lay. All defeated in combat with Sombra. All vain attempts to defeat his evil might. And now Twilight was the last, and most futile hope to take Sombra down.

“You know, I learned something after my second defeat,” Sombra spoke up, his red pupils now surrounded by a wicked glowing green light with purple haze coming off of his eyes. “When you do a comeback, plan it out first. I took that lesson to heart, and with my glorious return a second time, I did just that. But come now, you already know what happened, right?”

His venomous chuckles at the joy of her soon to be demise sicked Twilight to her core and her already downtrodden spirits sunk to new levels. It didn’t help that he succeeded in his hostile takeover so easily.

No one knew exactly when he was resurrected or reformed or whatever happened to him since his last defeat. The one where he failed to get the Crystal Heart and was obliterated into a thousand pieces. Usually with a departure that... explosive, one doesn’t really expect a surprise re-appearance. But Sombra managed it somehow, and enacted his revenge in a timely fashion.

After taking out Princess Luna first, he moved onto the Elements of Harmony to make sure they’ll be no trouble for him. Once done with that, there was Celestia to deal with. The battle that followed nearly destroyed the castle and ripped Canterlot in two, but Sombra came out as the victor, more powerful than ever with his dark magic at work. After that it was just a game of him toying with any remaining threats to his rule.

“But now I believe I have antagonized you enough.” Sombra patted her head, like an adult would do with a disgruntled child. “Time to end this.”

Sombra’s horn glowed a nefarious crimson as the room was illuminated by his demonic magic. He laughed, victorious once and for all as he prepared to unleash the finishing move that will destroy Twilight and and others that stood in his path.

That is, until a web smacked him in the face and threw his focus off.

“Wh-what is this?” Sombra shouted, struggling to remove the sticky substance from his face and mane.

“The beginning of round one, horn head,” the unknown assailant who shot his face with the web said, landing to the floor before Sombra and Twilight. Four other figures quickly backed the first one up, creating an intimidating wall of persons.

Finally managing to rip away the webbing from his face, Sombra glared at his attacker, though this glare quickly turned to a look of pure confusion. “Um... and just who are you guys?”

“Name’s Spider-Man,” the one dressed in red and blue spandex said, crossing his arms. “The guy who just shot your big head full of web.”

Nodding his his head to the side to the man dressed in flowing gray robes with a wizard’s collection of hat, beard and staff, he said, “Gandalf.”

He then pointed his thumb over his shoulder at the figure of pure metal chrome, with only an opening for a mouth to show it wasn’t completely robotic. “RoboCop.”

“Super Mario,” he said, pointing his thumb over his other shoulder at the short man with a mustache, blue overalls, red shirt and trademark ‘M’ symbol hat.

“And Boba Fett,” Spider-Man finished, pointing to the figure dressed in a strange green combat armor with a jetpack and lasergun held in one hand.

“Now get ready for the ass-kicking of a lifetime!” Spider-Man shouted, shooting a web at the ceiling and slinging his way towards Sombra. His companions charged likewise, Gandalf pointing with his staff and calling upon magical forces to send a barrage of spells at Sombra, while RoboCop ran like a train off the rails, with Super Mario high jumping behind and Boba Fett bringing up the rear, speeding through the air on his jetpack.

Sombra stood there in complete shock for a few moments, with Twilight the same. Quickly shaking his head, he broke himself out of his dumbfoundedness and broke into a sprint against his attackers.

Both sides met in the middle in a clash of epic proportions. Battles beforehand seemed pitiful in comparison. The earth shook, the skies rolled with thunder, the wind itself blew like a gale-force just by the amount of harsh battling taking place. Equestria was rocked to its core from the fight, and who else should it be that survived such a super collide of titans than Discord, the most handsome and sexy draconequus in the–

“You can’t be serious.”

“Hey, what did I say about interrupting?” Discord shouted, waving his stack of pages in Celestia’s face. “I was just getting to the good part too!”

Celestia sighed and facehoofed, slumping down lower in her seat. “That’s what you said the last fifty pages. Discord, I just can’t take this story seriously.”

“But...” Discord stared at her with incredibly large and creepily looking eyes. “You said you’d listen and film my novel...”

“I said listen. Nothing about actually sending it with my word in to a director.” Celestia rubbed her brow and refused to meet Discord’s eyes. “This has to be one of the most convoluted stories I’ve ever heard. There’s plot holes everywhere you look, characters are definitely out of character. Not to mention the fact you just randomly crossed over five characters that had nothing to contribute to the story. It’s just... so bad. That is the best I can describe it with without hurting your feelings.”

Discord’s eyes watered, an errant tear sliding down his cheek. “Fine... if that’s what you think, I’ll just take my story idea elsewhere. I don’t need you or your hurtful opinion!” With a snap of his fingers Discord disappeared, leaving Celestia alone with her thoughts.

“I need a drink,” she reflected, getting up to fulfill that wish right away.

“This... is... brilliant!”

“You really think so?” Discord asked, his eyes sparkling with renewed hope.

“Hell yeah! This’ll hit blockbuster for sure! People will line the streets of cinemas all around the world just to get a glimpse of this movie!”

Discord practically squealed in delight. “Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! How can I ever repay you, Mr. Bay?”

Michael Bay looked up from the page of Discord’s novel, a devious grin playing out on his face. “Please, call me Michael. And what I’ll need from you is... explosives.” The smile on Bay’s face grew ever the more twisted, a crazy look appearing in his eyes. “Plenty of explosives.”

Chapter 2: Didn't See A Second Chapter Coming, Did You?

Discord sat on the curb of a movie studio building, head held in his paws as he stared glumly downward. He sighed, slumping down lower with a large frown on his face.

A sudden flash of light, and out of nowhere Celestia appeared before the downtrodden draconequus. Flapping her wings to clear any remaining magic residue on her person, Celestia trotted closer to Discord and asked, “Okay, I got your message. What’s the big emergency?”

“Oh, just the usual,” Discord replied, getting back to his feet while arching his back , which caused his spine to make cracking noises. “The movie deal didn’t exactly work out.”

“Wait, what movie?” Celestia asked, finally noticing the movie studio before her. “You told me to teleport to Earth just to see a movie?”

“Well, not exactly, since the movie is never going to get made,” Discord explained, shrugging his shoulders. “It turned into a huge clusterfuck instead.”

“How, exactly, did that happen?” Celestia asked, rolling her eyes at another one of Discord’s antics.

“Well, it kinda had to do with Super Mario eating mushrooms and then tripping balls,” Discord started, just as the wall to the studio burst open.

A red faced Mario stood in the hole where the wall used to be, foam running down the sides of his mouth as his pupils took up nearly all the space in his eyes. “It’s a-motherfucking me, Mario!”

Before Mario could let loose another profanity, he was propelled forward by Spider-Man kicking his backside. Standing atop the drugged-out plumber, Spider-Man shouted, “Mario, chill out! You’re gonna destroy the entire movie set at this rate.”

“Suck my italian meatballs, you a-bitch!” Mario shouted, throwing Spider-Man off his back and turning around to implant his fist into Spider-Man’s face. The two fearsome fighters battled in the background, leaving Discord to stare oblivious in the distance while Celestia gazed at the fight in awe.

“Then there was RoboCop finding out Boba Fett was a convicted felon,” Discord said, followed by another section of the wall being bulldozed down by Boba Fett’s body. “And now he’s trying to arrest him.”

“Come quietly or there will be... trouble,” RoboCop said, stepping through the second hole that was in the wall as he made his way to Boba Fett.

“There already is!” Boba Fett shouted, jumping back to his feet and blasting off with his jetpack, not before letting loose a couple of shots from his laser gun.

The lasers pinged off RoboCop’s suit, as the mechanical man chased after the escaping bounty hunter.

“And all Gandalf has been doing is getting high outta his mind,” Discord said, pointing back as the gray robed wizard stumbled out of one of the holes in the wall.

He leaned heavily on his staff, sucking greedily at the pipe held in between his lips. Staggering over to the two, Gandalf leaned his shoulder against Discord’ frame, chuckling mildly under his breath. “Like, man, this dope is just... maaaaaaaan. Those elves know how to grow some grass.”

The old wizard took another long drag on his pipe, blowing a smoke cloud from his nose with a face that could only be described as ecstatically trippy. “You wanna hit?”

“Get outta here, you dirty hippy!” Discord shouted at the drugged out wizard, shoving Gandalf away with the bottom of his foot. “I swear, he keeps about a baker’s dozen worth of joints in that beard of his.”

“Okay, I can understand that things haven’t exactly worked out here,” Celestia began, stopping as an explosion sounded in the distance and temporarily rocked the pair from the shockwaves. Keeping her hooves firmly stuck to the ground, Celestia shouted over the battling din, “But why exactly did you call me here?”

“Well, I was kind of hoping you’d... fix things,” Discord said, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “You’re usually good at that type of thing. I would ask the director, Michael Bay, but he’s being kind of... Bay-ish.”

“Bay-ish?” Celestia asked.

Much like the other two times, the wall of the studio were blasted down. Though this time the entire wall was literally blown away, since a huge robot just punched it. Those two other holes weren’t exactly helping support it, so down the entire wall went.

Operating from atop the robot was Michael Bay, who was currently chugging down an entire two-liter bottle of Mountain Dew: Code Red. Finishing off the bottle, he threw it in the air and shot it full of bullets from the machinegun mounted fist of the giant robot he controlled. The robot fist pumped and continued on its way, with Bay shouting, “I’m the king of the frickin’ world, bitches! And I’m gonna get my fucking Emmy from you Hollywood bastards if it’s the last fucking thing I do!”

Closing Celestia’s open jaw with a claw, Discord said, “That’s Bay-ish. In hindsight, supplying him the components to a deadly robot along with an unlimited supply of cocaine and Code Red was not the best of ideas...”

Celestia shook her head to clear her thoughts, and joined Discord in staring at the epic clash of titans that was Super Mario, Spider-Man, RoboCop and Boba Fett, while Gandalf smoked a stoogie while taking a leak on a mailbox. “Discord, I don’t think I can fix this. You pretty much got five of the most deadly individuals from different universes just to shoot your crackfic movie idea with the craziest man alive as the director. That’s something that’s beyond my abilities of fixing.”

“So... you want me to actually take responsibility for my own actions and try to atone my own mistakes?” Discord asked.

Celestia was speechless for several moments, before she finally came to her senses and said, “Wh-why yes, Discord, that’s an excellent idea. It’s very grown up of you to suggest it.”

“Or should I ditch this plan and leave you to pick up the pieces?” Discord suggested, a devious grin playing out on his twisted features.

“That’s not a–”

“Too late!” Discord laughed, disappearing away in a flash of light and distant chuckle.

Celestia stood there in silence for a few moments, quietly fuming within herself and willing her body not to release this pent up anger in the form of curses or kicks to the ground. Sighing, she looked downward, just to notice a scrap of paper on the ground.

Lifting it to her face with her magic and unfolding it, she quickly read over it.

Dear Celestia,

You are a buttface. Or sunbutt. Either one works.

Love,

Discord

PS: Bay packed several tons of explosives in the studio. It should be exploding right... about... now.

Looking up from the paper, Celestia furrowed her brow and said, “Discord, I hate you.”

It was at this moment an explosion conveniently took place in the center of the studio, creating a burning inferno wall of fiery destruction to descend upon the outside world. As Celestia was being subjected to violent temperatures (she is Princess of the Sun, so she only received a few signed hairs), she repeated this line over and over in her head. “Discord, I really, really hate you!”