Time Heist

by Nuclear Grenade

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 4002

Hello, my name is Mitchel and I rob banks... with a time machine. And now I'm stuck in a land full of talking ponies with nothing to steal. This should be interesting.

So my name is Mitchel and I am the best thief thief is. Allow me to explain. Think back to every secret agent movie you've ever seen. Now, name one movie where the spy manages to secure the goods before he even considers stealing them. Yeah, that's right, when I rob banks, guards always report me leaving with the money before I show up to take it. Long story short, I accidentally blew my own brains out and created a massive paradox. Then I woke up in the land of adorable ponies or as I like to call it: Hell.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-19 06:33:29 UTC

Paradox

My name is Mitchel and this is my diary journal. I don't really know what to write so I guess I'll just tell you about myself. I'm thirty-seven, five-foot-eleven, professional bank robber, and the worlds second time traveler.

First off, I'm not some idiot who runs into a bank with a ski mask and a gun then demands money. I'm a professional; I steal money for a living and I am damn good at it. Detectives can't even figure out how I escape because I make my getaway five hours before I first enter the bank.

I have a degree in advanced engineering and programming which I use to my advantage. When robbing a bank you want to intimidate people into doing what you tell them. Sure dressing up in a mask and pulling a gun will scare the shit out of some people but only for a short while. I wear my own personal suit of armor specifically designed for absorbing bullets and carrying loads of cash.

I have redesigned a full body ballistics suit with two hydraulic pistons that connect the heels of my boots to the back of my body; decreasing the weight of the suit and whatever I'm carrying. Underneath that I wear a hazard suit and gas mask to ensure  I don't leave anything for police annalists.

Hell I even have bags that catch my bullet casings so they can't use them to track me.

The police sum it up pretty well when they call me 'Ghost Robber.'

Mitchel got up early, he had a big day planned. Get my gear, get to the bank before ten, then wait five hours. Mitchel continued running through his plans as he made some coffee and cereal, Get to the vault before it closes, bag the cash,  jump back five minutes and run out. He began to read the paper flipping through the sports section before noticing himself in one of the articles.

"Heavily armed men rob branch bank and disappear without a trace." He read aloud pausing to take a sip of his coffee before continuing, On Wednesday, March 2 at 3 o' clock P.M. an unconfirmed number of heavily armed men entered the New World Bank on the north side of New York. The gunmen opened fire killing all armed security personnel while leaving the civilians unharmed. When the police arrived they reported one of the perpetrators sealing himself in the vault while another escaped with the money. After the police opened the vault they found that the robber had disappeared without a trace along with all of his accomplices. No further information is known about the perpetrators, if you have any information please contact the police.

Mitchel chuckled, "If only they knew." After completing his breakfast Mitchel walked over to the basement steps of his uncles' old rundown house. He'd been the closest thing to a son the old man ever had so he was given possession of his uncles' belongings when he died.

Mitchel reached the bottom of the steps and turned on the single incandescent light in the middle of the room. He walked over to the center of the room and pushed aside the box of Christmas supplies to reveal a loose square of concrete.

Walking back over to the stairs, Mitchel grabbed the crowbar to remove the block of stone. He inserted the steel bar and lifted the block aside revealing a titanium hatch. Once the key pad lit up he entered the six digit code causing the half-foot thick bomb proof door to open.

Mitchel dropped down through the hatch into the thirty thirty foot diameter ball of titanium he called, The Sphere The Sphere was built by his genius uncle, the father of time travel, to contain P-DAC, the Paradox Detection And Correction device. Mitchel used the remaining space to house his heisting equipment. Since the titanium and other materials that made up The Spheres hull blocked all forms of radio signals no one knew the place existed.

Still in his underwear, Mitchel put on his hazard suit, double checking the seals, before putting together the rest of his gear.

His suit was packed and ready to go so all Mitchel had to do was decide what guns to bring. "I'm feeling rather Russian today." He said as he grabbed the AK off  it's rack. Next, he grabbed his Remington 870 for close-quarters combat, and breaching doors. Finally, he loaded up his Colt .45 and set placed it in it's holster.

Mitchel made several trips up from the basement as he loaded his gear into the van before resealing the The Sphere. After that, he got in the van and started towards the unlucky bank that would serve as his paycheck for this month.

As Mitchel exited the tunnel and entered New York he looked around at the people who were on their way to work. Funny. Despite the fact I'm about to rob a bank my morning has been almost completely normal. Mitchel glanced behind him at the ballistics suit, Almost.

Mitchel arrived at the bank and parked the van in an alleyway on the opposite side of the quiet street. "Once more unto the breach." He said as he climbed into the back of the van.

"First, the armor." Mitchel unpacked his suit and began putting it on. First, Mitchel put the flack-jacket on over his hazard suit. After that, he put on his armored pants which interlocked with the bottom of the jacket. Once completed, Mitchel connected the two hydraulic pistons to the steel plates on his feet and to the metal frame inside the back of his jacket. Next, he put on the two armor sleeves that covered his arms and connected them to the jacket.

"Alright, now for the electronics." Mitchel quickly unpacked the briefcases containing the control units for the suit and time machine before attaching it to his armor. First, he connected the bullet proof combat laptop to his back and to the two pistons. Next, Mitchel inserted the time machine into his left forearm, and his smartphone into his right forearm. After connecting both devices to the computer Mitchel put on his armored gas mask and bonded it with the hazard suit.

"And finally the finishing touch." Mitchel threw on a large grey trench coat which concealed his firearms. Then he slipped on armored gloves and boots to protect his exposed hands and feet.

"Perfect." Mitchel said smiling at the terror he would invoke. Alright, just need turn off the hydraulics so I don't attract to much attention. Mitchel hopped out of the van and sat down in an alley doorway to conceal himself.

A flash of light attracted his attention to the side of the van where an identical copy of himself stood with four large bags. The two exchanged nods before the copy got in the van and drove off.

"Ah, I love time travel too bad I can only go back in time and only twenty-four hours at that." He frowned. Could't The old man have figured out to go forward in time; past the point of origin. Mitchel sighed, Oh well. I guess I'll just have to sit here and wait five hours.

== Five Hours ==

*Beep* *Beep* *Beep*

Mitchel was snapped back to reality by the sound of his phones' alarm going off. "Well Alright then." Mitchel said activating his time machine and configuring its point of origin.

"Let's make some money!" He called out before activating his hydraulics and using them to sprint across the street.

Mitchel burst through the front door of the bank AK at the ready. A guard currently on the phone looked up in surprise only to be riddled with bullets. "That's one down-"

"Freeze!" Another guard yelled drawing his sidearm.

"-four to go." His copy said as he ran out of the vault and pumped the guard full of lead. The copy promptly ran out of the bank and across the street before disappearing.

Mitchel whipped out his Remington and Colt simultaneously, kneeling down while crossing his arms for support. He fired the Remington and hit the guard in the chest killing him instantly. A second later the other guard had taken five bullets to the face before collapsing.

Mitchel quickly nodded to his identical copy that had suddenly appeared before continuing. He turned his attention to the last guard while standing up in the most terrifying way possible. Mitchel began walking towards the guard cracking his knuckles while he starred into the poor man's soul.

"Oh shit!" The guard cried as he fired at Mitchel while trying to create distance. Eventually the guard's back met wall and Mitchel slammed his head into the guard's knocking him out.

Well that was fun. Mitchel thought as he turned around, just in time to see the vault close. "Fuck!" He yelled before traveling back in time.

--- 30 Seconds ---

Mitchel reappeared in the center of the room, shivering momentarily from the cold the came with time travel. He gave a nod to his old self, who was starring down the guard, before running inside the closing vault.

Mitchel's jaw dropped, "G- Gold!" Among the three piles of cash sat a stack of sixteen bars of gold.

*Clang* *Hiss*

Mitchel whipped around at the sound of the vault automatically sealing itself. "Alright, just get the cash and get out. Simple." He said as he loaded the cash into his duffel bags.

== 2 Minutes ==

"Holy shit! Gold is heavy." Mitchel complained as he attempted to lift the final bag onto his shoulder. As soon as the bag was in place the hydraulics took over and eliminated the gold's weight.

"Well I'm leaving." Mitchel announced before activating the time machine.

--- 3 Minutes ---

As soon as Mitchel fazed back into reality he booked it for the front door.

"That's one down-" His past self declared as he stood in the center of the room.

"Freeze!" The same guard as before yelled.

"- four to go!" Current Mitchel cried as he emptied the clip of his AK into the guard standing in front of him.

It was a one in a million chance of Mitchel missing. Unfortunately, Mitchel just rolled one in a million.

A single bullet flew past the guard's head and punched a hole through the plastic eyepiece of his past self's mask killing him instantly.

All of time stopped.

"Oh shit! I think I just broke the universe." Mitchel said before he was engulfed in a blinding flash of light.

Havok

Growing up my parents both worked and rarely had time to talk with me during the day. My dad worked as a insurance marketer and my mom was an accountant. We lived on the outskirts of the city, it wasn't a bad neighborhood but it still wasn't safe enough for me to play outside by myself. Since my parents were usually out I spent a lot of time with my uncle who lived down the street from us.

My parents didn't mind because they needed someone to take care of me and I usually learned something while I was there. Uncle Mike always had something new and interesting to show me, like a robotic arm he built or a ball he could levitate using magnets. Anyway he is what got me interested in engineering, despite the fact he was actually a theoretical physicist. (Well I don't know if he should be considered a 'theoretical' physicist since he actually did build a time machine.)

Celestia sat up straight, after feeling a prick in the back of her neck. She looked behind her at the throne to see what had pricked her, when she felt it again. Looking around, the princess attempted to locate the source of the pain.

"Are you alright princess?" One of the guards asked.

"I'm fine thank-" The Princess said before being interrupted by another stab of pain. This time though, the pain didn't fade away, instead the pain did the opposite; it began to grow.

Oh dear, it looks like the fabric of reality is being destroyed. Celestia sighed, "DISCORD!"

"What?" Discord asked as one of his images on the stain glass window popped off and onto the floor.

"What did you do?" Celestia asked sternly to the piece of glass.

"What so every time the fabric of reality is threatened it's suddenly my fault?"  Discord asked as the piece of glass slowly started turning into Discord.

"Well if you didn't cause the tear than what did?"

"How should I know?" Discord asked as he started drinking a brick. Celestia just looked at Discord who sighed, "Look why don't you just go and check Ponyville."

"Why would the disruption be there?" She asked.

"Because ninety percent of the time when something bad happens, it happens in Poneyville." Discord said before tossing the brick at the window he had appeared from. On impact the brick disappeared leaving a rippling effect that fixed the hole in the glass.

"Cancel my appointments for the rest of the day." Celestia instructed before heading off for Ponyville.

Mitchel's eyes slowly started to open revealing a blue blur. The blur slowly gained more detail revealing blue patch surrounded by colorful dots. Eventually the dots gained more detail until he could make out what they were.

Um. what the hell? Mitchel asked himself as he starred at the group of colorful faces surrounding him. Mitchel quickly stood up throwing off whatever was around him. Once his vision cleared, he was left with more questions than answers. Okay, so I'm in some Medieval village surrounded by colorful ponies. Right so I am either completely insane or am really high.

"What the science?" Mitchel looked up at the sky and watched as a pony flew by before thinking, I must be completely stoned right now. He blinked, Why can't I hear anything?

The ponies had once again gathered around Mitchel and began muttering. He picked a direction and started backing away only to be followed by the crowd.

Mitchel let out an inaudible sigh, Right, I need to think this through. Okay I'm going to assume this is real in which case my first priority is getting back to earth. The time machine inside P-DAC is designed to follow me through the time stream so that means The Sphere probably hear with me. Mitchel reached a wall and turned to face the crowd of ponies before finalizing his plan, Okay, get the money to The Sphere and use the data inside P-DAC to reverse the jump. Simple.

        Mitchel tried pushing through the crowd but eventually became stuck. "Stop following me damn it! Go away!" He cried. Wait they're horses they can't understand me.

"Goddamn horses." Mitchel muttered as he pulled his Colt and fired it, to disperse the crowd.

Mitchel stopped to consider where The Sphere would be, "Right, so assuming I didn't move in relation to P-DAC then The Sphere is that way." He started walking towards the edge of town passing shops that sold various things.

Eventually, Mitchel reached the edge of town and the sound of screaming died down. He paused, Awesome I can hear again! Wait, are those people? Mitchel turned around but only saw the ponies, Shit, Humanity's first contact with intelligent life and I mess it up. Maybe I should try first contact again. Nah, I have more important things to do like securing my money.

Mitchel shook his head at the town before crossing the bridge and walking off.

Suddenly, a white blur flew out of the sky and crashed to the ground in front of him.

"How dare you come to a peaceful town such as Ponyville and terrorize it's inhabitants!" The large white horse that stood before him yelled.

Mitchel panicked and jumped back, shooting Celestia between the eyes. "Do you think I give a damn!" He shouted at the corpse before kicking it aside and walking on.

Mitchel had only made it a few feet when someone cried, "Attack!" He turned around quickly only to see an arrow collide with his flak-jacket. Mitchel burst out laughing at the arrow that had tried to pierce the jacket; designed to halt high caliber rounds.

A pony wearing golden armor quickly charged his horn as Mitchel walked away.

Suddenly, a blast of magic slammed into Mitchel's chest and would have sent him flying were it not for his hydraulics. What? They get lasers! No fair! He thought pulling out his AK.

"Restrain him!" A one of the guards ordered. The pony next to him quickly engulfed Mitchel in an aura of telekinesis.

"Ugh! He's too heavy!" The guard cried out in frustration, sweat pouring down his face.

Mitchel took aim and fired at the guards taking out two of them before some one tapped him on the shoulder. He spun around to face princess Celestia as she fired a spell from her horn.

Mitchel fell to his knees, before collapsing to the ground in exhaustion. He looked up at Celestia once more, before the sleeping spell took full effect and plunged Mitchel into darkness.

Inquisition

Uncle Mike was kind of completely insane. Let me tell you a story about how I got one of my favorite weapons.

Okay so it goes like this: One day I went over to Mikes' house and knocked on his door. After three tries he doesn't answer, which isn't like him since he drops whatever he doing to answer the door. (Seriously, he could be disarming a bomb and he would stop to answer that door. Well, actually that happened once, but that's a different story.) Anyway. So he doesn't answer the door, so I go around back and hop the fence. 'Hey uncle Mike!' I had called out causing him to turn towards me. I hadn't noticed he'd been holding a massive coil-gun the size of a missile on his shoulder. (By the way a coil-gun is similar to a rail-gun.) Apparently I had startled him because the neighbor's shed exploded in a flash of light.

And that's the story of how Mike's neighbors learned that insurance policies don't cover electromagnetic weapons.

Mitchel slowly regained consciousness. Suddenly, the day's events returned and he snapped back into consciousness. He was lying upright against a large bookshelf, inside what appeared to be a room made out of one seamless piece of wood. Mitchel instinctively reached for his pistol before realizing two things; he was completely tied up and his Colt was missing. He quickly checked himself before realizing everything that hadn't been attached to him had been removed.

Mitchel attempted to break the ropes, when he was grabbed by an aura and held in place.

"Those ropes are enchanted and cannot be broken." Celestia explained as she entered the room.

"Bullshit!" Mitchel replied before resuming his struggle.

Celestia grabbed Mitchel and yelled using her royal voice, "YOU SHALL REMAIN STILL AND ANSWER MY QUESTIONS!"

Mitchel sat stunned for a moment before returning the yell, "NO, I REFUSE TO BE QUESTIONED BY A DEAD PERSON!"

Celestia blinked, "What are you talking about?"

"I put a bullet in your head so now your dead. Dammit why did that rhyme."

"I'm immortal, you-"

Mitchel made a loud coughing noise, "Bullshit!"

Celestia's patience with Mitchel ran out. "Enough of this! You will answer my questions!"

Mitchel looked to either side of himself. "Wait do you mean me? Hm, I don't see anyone-"

Celestia cast a silencing spell on Mitchel before he could finish. "Now, because you can't seem to handle talking you'll have to write instead." Celestia used her telekinesis to levitate a quill and parchment over to Mitchel.

Mitchel looked at the writing instrument for a moment before grabbing it and writing something on the paper. Celestia grabbed the paper and examined the writing. It was hard to understand since Mitchel's arm was still tied up but she could still make out what it said. I dnt knw how to rite

        Celestial face-hoofed.

"What is your name?" Celestia asked before undoing the spell.

Mitchel paused for a moment before hollering, "Leroy Jenkins!"

Celestia frowned, He's worse than Discord, she looked at Mitchel, "Fine, since you're not willing to talk I'll just have to wait. And trust me I'm not dying any time soon."

"I beg to differ!" Mitchel jeered as he began struggling.

"Shut up!" Celestia yelled as she fired another silencing spell at him.

"Now then." Celestia said as she walked over to the table where Twilight was examining his belongings. Twilight had sorted the few items they had removed into piles; weapons, tools, and miscellaneous. Twilight was carefully examining the smaller black weapon Mitchel had used to scare the ponies in town while Celestia examined his four bags.

She opened the first bag and frowned when it only contained identical pieces of paper. When she opened the second bag she was met with more of the same. Opening the third bag however she was surprised to find gold bars.

Celestia removed a bar and turned to twilight, "What do you think he was doing with this?"

Before Twilight could answer Mitchel began banging his head against the wall.

"Ready to talk?" Celestia asked as she removed the spell.

"Get your filthy hooves off of my money!" Mitchel yelled.

Now 'it's' taking this seriously. Celestia thought placing the bar on the floor before walking up to Mitchel. "Answer my questions first."

Mitchel gave her a stare before realizing the gas-mask still covered his face.

"What is your real name?"

"Mitchel."

"What are you?"

"Human."

"Where do you come from?"

"Planet, Earth."

"Why are you here?"

"I don't know! You're the one who tied me up and brought be here!" Mitchel yelled back growing annoyed.

"Answer the question." Celestia replied sternley.

"I don't know."

Celestia looked at him for a moment not being able to read his expressions.

Twilight walked over to Mitchel and began charging her horn. "I am sick and tired of you talking to Princess Celestia that way. Now you are going to tell me why your here."

"What can I say, time travel's a bitch." Mitchel shrugged.

"Wait you know time magic?" Twilight asked.

"No, I built a time machine."

"You built a time machine? You built a time machine. You built a time machine! Tell me everything." Twilight yelled entering another one of her episodes.

"Okay, this is taking to long. Why don't you untie me so I can just leave this world?" Mitchel asked.

Celestia and Twilight looked at him for a moment before exchanging glances. "Why in Equestria would we do that?" Twilight asked.

Mitchel quickly thought of an alibi, "Look, I'm sorry I attacked you but I didn't know what was going on. You see I am a courier of sorts and it is my job to transport money from bank to bank. So when I suddenly ended up here, I panicked and assumed someone was trying to steal the money. I'm sorry. I really am, I just want to take the my things and leave."

Twilight shook her head, "You still killed those guards."

        "Okay, this is taking to long." Mitchel said looking around the room for a means of escape.

        A flash of light appeared behind the two ponies. Celestial and Twilight turned to see an identical copy of Mitchel leaning against the wall.

        "Who are you?" Celestial asked.

        "The distraction." He replied.

        The two mares turned again to see another copy freeing Mitchel, before the two disappeared. Twilight and Celestia both felt something heavy pressing on them. Turning, the saw the Mitchel that had served as the distraction leaning on them.

        "Isn't time travel neat?" He asked.

        The two stood stunned before realizing, the man that had killed two ponies was currently free and standing between them. They jumped away only for Mitchel to grab their necks.

        "No you don't." He said before knocking their heads together causing them to lose consciousness.