Alicorn Death Lasers

by Teabee

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random
Length: 704

At a symposium hosted by none other than Princess Celestia herself, a group of esteemed dignitaries presents the case for, and against, the use of death lasers in Equestria.

At the Royal Canterlot College of Engineers, a talented and ambitious young unicorn is preparing to present her findings to the board concerning the theory and logistics behind the creation of a powerful and destructive weapon she has dubbed the Alicorn Death Laser. Concerned by the implications that such technology could have for the future of the otherwise peaceful land of Equestria, her professor has taken it upon himself to bring her findings to the Equestrian government and ask Princess Celestia to weigh in on the matter. To that end, she gathers her advisors for an informal, but highly sensitive, discussion on the Alicorn Death Laser and whether or not this up-and-coming engineer should be allowed to continue her work.

Inspired by something I saw in the School for New Writers.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-08 03:11:38 UTC

Chapter 1

The Clover the Clever Hall, or Clover Hall for short, was lively that evening.  Around mid-afternoon the usual silence of the theater was broken by the rustling of brooms and feather dusters as it was cleaned for the first time in a decade.  At sunset the rustling was replaced by the hustle and bustle of a fresh shift of servant ponies as they brought in tables, furnishings, glasses, and silverware.  By the time dinner was over for most of Canterlot, Clover Hall was ready to play host to a gathering of very important ponies, who had begun to make their way through the city's winding roads and were escorted by still more servants to a secluded area of Canterlot Castle's famed gardens that few ever got to see.

First came the usual wining and dining.  Yet another fresh shift of servant ponies came around with platters of delectable fruits, sugary treats from confectioners whose names no one knew, and glasses of rich, dark wine that positively blanketed the tongue with velvety goodness.  Some grumbling could be heard about the absurd waste of the taxpayer's bits, punctuated by intermittent sips of the wine and whatever time it took for the refreshments to pass the lips of the assembled ponies.  The small talk was the same as always at Canterlot Castle's lavish parties.

"How are your investments in El Palomino holding up?"

"Oh my goodness, I would not be caught dead in that horrendous outfit!"

"Well I do admire that Rarity for wanting to keep the business in the family.  She's one of the last true independents, you know."

All conversation was cut short by the notes of the royal fanfare.  As one and by reflex, everypony turned towards the sound of the music and bowed to their indisputably most honored host.

"Mares and Gentlestallions, Her Royal Highness, Princess Celestia!"

Celestia entered Clover Hall at a deliberate pace, approaching a lectern that had not been there when anypony last looked, her guards and attendants quietly fanning towards the walls to take up positions out of sight.  The only one who accompanied her to the lectern was her sister Princess Luna, who took a seat off to the side but behind the lectern and apart from the rows of markers designating standing areas that had also been placed, thanks to the efforts of Canterlot Castle's servant ponies, without anypony noticing.  The audience understood the implications immediately: Princess Luna was an observer to the proceedings and nothing more.  She was not to be approached.

Celestia's magically-amplified voice filled the hallway, "Good evening, distinguished guests.  Allow me to welcome all of you to this symposium on a matter of the utmost importance to Equestria's safety and security.  If you would kindly take your places, the discussion will begin shortly."

The assembled ponies ambled over to their proper places, dragging their hooves or wings, as the case may have been.  The party had ended and the main event promised to be dreadfully boring, but nopony ever refused an invitation to Canterlot Castle.  Nopony.

When the audience had settled down, more or less, Celestia continued, "I would first like to introduce the members of our esteemed panel.  First, from the Royal Canterlot College of Engineers, Professors Fairy Dust of the School of Magitechnology and Smoke Blower of the School of Steam-powered Mechanika."

There was a little bit of polite applause - just the right amount, mind you - as two unicorns, the first a male and the second a female, took the stage.

"Parchment Pusher, from the Ministry of the Interior.  Inken Quill of the Law Society of Equestria.  Treat of the Foreign Office..."

The list went on, and consisted of all manner of intellectuals and prominent technocrats in their fields.  Professor Derpy Hooves of the Ministry of Crazy Ideas was removed from the premises on grounds that her doctorate had come from a Saddle Arabian school of questionable repute and was not recognized by the Department of Education.

"...and last, but certainly not least, Lieutenant Colonel Spitfire, flight leader and Captain of the Wonderbolts."

There was considerably more applause for Spitfire, one of the privileges afforded by her fame.

"Welcome to all of you.  Now, I would like to invite Professor Fairy Dust to speak on the matter put before us this evening."

Fairy Dust strode forward