Humans are Freakin' Crazy!
We're In a Cartoon?!
“Everypony! Listen to me!!! We’ve got a problem!”
Rainbow Dash burst through the library door, where the rest of the mane cast had gathered. They had just finished helping Twilight re-stock the shelves, except for Pinkie Pie, who was busy munching on a jumbo chocolate bar. If she was right, then this, in Rarity’s words, was the WORST. POSSIBLE. THING.
The others just looked at her with mixed expressions of confusion, surprise, and a slight looks of amusement.
“What’s the matter Rainbow Dash?” Rarity asked, with slight worry. If Dash thought they had a problem, then it must be important.
“We....are in.... A CARTOON!! Tank told me!”
Then there was a burst of laughter from the other group. ‘They seriously don’t believe me! We’re all doomed...’
“Really Dash? A cartoon? And Ah reckon y’all c’n talk to animals now.” Applejack playfully scoffed. She walked over to Rainbow Dash and gave her dome a few knocks “The only problem Ah see is that y’all’ve gone a little bonkers.”
Pinkie looked up from her chocolate with a questioning look on her face. “Well, DUH we’re in a cartoon! Haven’t any of you noticed?”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa wait....” Twilight turned around to face Pinkie. “Noticed what exactly?” she said; there was a subtle trace of accusation mixed in there somewhere.
“Well, everything! The network logo to the bottom right, the show’s rating in the top left corner,..... and them!” Pinkie Pie pointed towards a wall directly in front of them, and towards the reader. Yes you.
“Pinkie, I don’t see anything. That’s just a wall.”
“You just don’t believe ‘cause you don’t understand! There are people watching us live our lives at this very moment!”
Meanwhile Fluttershy started to get hysterical.
“Ohmygoshhumans?! What if we really are in a cartoon! I can’t handle all those people watching me every second of the day! What if they saw me yell at all those animal at the Gala? WHAT IF THEY SAW ME IN THE SHOWER?!” Fluttershy knelt down, covered her face with her hooves, and started quivering like a jellyfish.
“Calm down everypony! Let’s settle this once and for all...” Twilight levitated a laptop to a nearby desk. She hooked it up to a projector, which blew up the desktop to billboard size.
“Let me check.” After googleing things, she clicked on a link, and everyone paled. On the screen was the show’s logo, with the mane 6 waving from the sides.
“Oh Celestia....” Rarity whispered to herself. “We really are in a cartoon.”
“I TOLD YOU!!” Rainbow Dash yelled.
“This isn’t good!” Fluttershy managed to stammer. “Th-this means we probably have f-fa-fanboys!”
Pinkie shrugged, and went back to attend to her oversized candy, not at all phased at what they were all seeing.
“Hey, click on that link, there.” Applejack suggested.
Twilight clicked it, and it brought up some kind of list just as a wagon pulled by a scooter rushed through the door.
“CUTIEMARK CRUSADER VANDALISTS! YAY!!!” The wagon holding the three fillies crashed in to a shelf with a loud BANG, knocking down all the books from the bottom 5th shelf down.
“Ouch.... Dumb wagon. Say Scootaloo, do you think we damaged enough property?”
“Uh... Nah! We only cracked the shelves a little.”
“Aww, shucks! Maybe we’re not meant to be vandalists.... Hey! It’s big sis! Applejack!”
The trio trotted over to the group of mares. Apple Bloom went to hug Applejack’s leg, while Sweetie Belle went to greet Rarity. Scootaloo skidded to a stop in front of Rainbow Dash.
“Hi Rainbow Dash! Whatcha guys looking at? Huh?”
“It’s a list... o’ pairings?! What tha hay?”
“A list of what now?” Pinkie suddenly asked, and her full attention now went to studying the list.
“Rarity? What’s a ‘pairing’?” Sweetie Belle inquired.
“I-I’ll tell you later.”
They all started to look through them
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“AppleDash?! What kinda crack are these people on? Ah guess the one with me an’ Soarin’ ain’t so bad.”
“Dude, I’m paired with almost everypony! ‘Sup with that? Wait... Why am I paired with anyone at all?”
“Fl-Fluttermac? Oh my....”
“Hey, PokeyPie! That sounds like a funny dessert! And I’ve never eaten RainbowPie! Oh wait....”
“Sparity? Oh my... Spike is nice and all but I don’t know if I like him that way.”
“Hey! The three of us are grouped together! ScootaBloomBelle!”
“Awesome!”
“Ah think that’s pretty cool that were all in a th-...a thre...a threesome!”
“Group hug!” Announced Sweetie Belle.
“Oh, no girls. I don’t think you understand.”, Fluttershy tried to explain.
“What’s there ta understand?” asked Scootaloo.
“Well, at least it doesn’t get any worse than this. Hold on. TWILESTIA?! But I don’t even-!” Twilight became flustered, then even more so as she read the next few lines. “And Twixie? Me and Trixie? Where the heck do people come up with this?! And who the hell is Caramel?”
“Scoot over, darling. I’m going to start streaming the show.” Rarity took over the laptop, and began showing the episodes. After finishing all episodes of the cartoon, everyone stood there, slack-jawed.
“Somepony’s been stalking us!” Scootaloo yelled.
“Hey, what’re those pictures? They’re on a site with ‘Rule 34’ in the name.” Apple Bloom suggested.
“What’s rule 34?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“Ah guess we’re ‘bout ta find out!”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
As soon as Rarity clicked another link, pictures of very hardcore yuri popped up, with some explicit material involving a certain rainbow-maned pegasus and a specific Wonderbolt stallion mixed in there.
“Jesus tap-dancing pony Christ! That’s disgusting!” howled Apple Bloom, shielding her eyes.
Pinkie Pie tilted her head in concentration, and quickly blocked her eyes after a realization, while Applejack made sure Apple Bloom wasn’t looking. Rarity covered Sweetie Belle’s eyes, Rainbow Dash wrote down the website, and Twilight and Fluttershy fainted. Scootaloo on the other hand was completely unprotected, and took in more than an eyeful.
“Aw! Sick!” Scoot shouted in disgust
“Click something else! Click something else!” Rarity shouted.
“Ah am! Ah am!”
Just as Applejack stumbled to click another link, by which time Twi and Fluttershy had recovered, Tons, and tons of intense yaoi started to pop up, one image at a time.
“WHAT THE-?!”, they all screamed in unison. Yes, even the fillies.
“B-Big Mac?!” AJ and Apple Bloom stuttered.
“And ….Caramel?”
“OH GOD WHY?!” Scootaloo screamed.
“Don’t look at it Sweetie Belle!!” Rarity once again attempted to block her view, but the filly dodged her gawked at the huge screen, trying to suppress the huge grin on her face.
The other four mares had silently stared at the screen with major nosebleeds, the corners of their mouths twitching upwards. Soon Rarity caught a glance of it, and joined her friends. However, her grin was much more apparent.
“Enough of this crap!” Aj re-opened Google, and clicked on a fanfiction website.
Pinkie snapped out of her daze first. “Hey! That one’s called ‘Cupcakes’! Sounds delicious.”
The pink mare hastily nudged Applejack out her spot in front of the computer, and opened up the fic.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
By the end of the dramatic reading of the fic, everyone was crying in a heap on the ground. Pinkie and Dash were on opposite sides of the room. Rainbow Dash was curled up in a corner, chanting something like: “It’s just a fic. It’s just a fic. IT’SJUSTAFIC! OHGODWHATAREYOUPEOPLESMOKING!!!”, while Pinkie Pie was sobbing hysterically in another corner, with her poofy mane gone flat.
Once everyone had recovered, Scootaloo had managed to sneak over to the laptop, and play another dramatic reading “out of plain curiosity” she would later tell them, while the others were comforting the two.
The next lucky fic to play was “Sweet Apple Massacre”.....
Thankfully, there were a few responsible ponies there to send the fillies out when things got too icky, but even so, when the story was over there were a quite a few puddles of puke, and a certain very upset unicorn and earth pony. In fact, “upset” is a massive understatement.
After returning to the scene of the crime, the fillies were a bit more than a little confused.
“Ah’m kinda glad we didn’t get to hear it....”
“I agree.”
“Ditto.”
And so after many, many more horrid fanfictions, once again, everypony, yes everypony was going batshit insane in a big dog pile. Pinkie was the first one to come out of her hysteria, and attempted to at least bleach thier brains of the unsavory images by googling more stuff.“Oh frosting....*sniffle*... let me try to cheer everypony up.” With that, Pinkie typed more stuff on the computer, and an entire page of cosplayers popped up.
“Oh, Rainbow Dash, is that a human male pretending to be you?”, Fluttershy said giggling, wiping away her tears.
“But... he’s totally fat...” Twilight said, laughing.
“Aw HELL NAW!” cried Dash, rushing over to the laptop screen.
“And kinda hairy.” Added Pinkie.
“Yeah, well-! So is that Rarity-costume-guy!”, retorted Dash.
“Please just kill me now...”, Rarity muttered under her breath. The crusaders were having just totally having a field day with these pictures, laughing their little flanks off at this.
“You know what?!” Applejack yelled. “FORGET THIS FANDOM AND ALL ITS CRACKHEAD FOLLOWERS!”
At last, she flipped the desk that the laptop was resting on. So what's the moral of the story? None. There is none. Good day Sir/Ma'am
FIN
I'm so sorry. I just had to do this.
