Can't Stop the Rock

by Wuten

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life, Human
Length: 2492

Anonymous brings hard rock to Equestria through the only means he knows how to.

AC/DC. The Rolling Stones. Van Halen. Guns n' Roses.

All of those bands, and more, have left a lasting impact on their respective world. A world you grew up in years ago.

What about you? You are Anonymous, and you practiced and honed your guitar-playing skills for years, but never got any recognition for your efforts. On Earth.

But what about in Equestria? With the help of four other like-minded individuals, you form a band of musicians that will shake the very foundations of Equestria.

Or will you just end up on the curb like so many have failed before you? That's up to you.

This is an Anonymous in Equestria story. That means second person, and your name is Anonymous. If you don't enjoy stories like that, please exit stage right.

Rated for the usual stuff you would expect. Sex, drugs, and rock n' roll.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-08 23:52:13 UTC

1984

Chapter 1 - "1984"

Five years ago…

“C’mon Cheerilee, hurry up!”

“I am!” a young, cerise-coated mare shouts back, catching up to her mulberry-maned friend. “But Berry, why are we running?” she asks, as they come to the entrance of the Ponyvile Performance Center, a massive dome-like building with one massive gate, with nearly half-a-dozen lines coagulating at that one point, then stretching off as far as Cheerilee could see.

“Because we don’t want to wait in line, duh!” the mare grinned back at her friend, her mane crimped into the popular look of these times.

In fact, both mares, along with most of every other mare in the crowd of lines, had that same style. It was the “in” thing, after all. “How is this going to help?” Cheerilee raises an eyebrow to Berry Punch, who simply grins back before pulling Cheerilee’s ear to her snout.

“Because we’re going to sneak in, got it?”

Cheerilee’s eyes widen, and she looks down to her friend. “But what if we—”

“Don’t worry, I’ve got it covered. Follow me,” Berry whispers, beckoning with a hoof for her to follow.

The two of them come to what appears to just be a plain wall along the Performance Center. “Alright, what’s the plan?” Cheerilee asks, looking around to make sure no guard-ponies are around.

“See this?” Berry points to the wall with a hoof, before tapping on it. “Completely hollow. I use this passage all the time to get in, don’t worry…” she grins, pulling back at the crease marking her “secret passage” to reveal…

Wood. Lots of wood. And a passage through it that only a pony of Berry’s size could fit through.

“I can’t fit in there, Berry, you’re shorter than I am!” Cheerilee hisses, making a pouting face at her friend.

“Oh, don’t be such a little filly, c’mon,” Berry groans, before slipping in. “I’ll even go first, deal? You can step where I step, and you’ll be just fine.”

Cheerilee pauses for a moment, considering her options. “Fine. But if we get caught it’s on you, got it?” She lets out a deep sigh before the two of them sneak inside.

“Oof, don’t step there,” Berry grunts, brushing a hoof against an open nail. “Not much farther now.”

It’s hard to see in here; the unorthodox method of entering is obviously littered with things that a normal filly wouldn’t be able to get through.

“Berry,” Cheerilee looked up to her friend, stopping a moment, “Where exactly does this passage lead?”

Berry turns and shoots her a grin. “Right under the stage. And if we get lucky, front row.”

Cheerilee’s eyes widen a bit, before continuing, the two moving at a bit more hurried pace. “Really? When did you find it?”

“One time there was a group performing here and I didn’t have my own ticket,” Berry replies. “The colt I was with said he knew a secret passage into the building, so I followed him into here.”

“Did it work?”

“Pff, of course it didn’t, at first. I saw that look in his eyes and the way he walked, he had no interest in seeing the performance,” Berry grunts angrily. “He was interested in seeing something ‘else’,” she wiggles her flank suggestively at Cheerilee, before they get to another wall.

“What happened then?” Cheerilee raises an eyebrow.

“I kicked him right in the pecker and he never bothered me again, obviously,” Berry laughs, before tapping on the wall. “Yep, this is the one. You ready? We’ll have to move quickly so security doesn’t see us.”

“Got it.” Cheerilee nods, and Berry pulls the wall back and the two of them rush into the crowd.

Youtube Video

“Let’s take these motherfuckers to school. What do ya say, Anon?” Ollie grins up at you, his accent still a bit heavy before performing.

“Sounds fuckin’ rad.”

“Nice. Let’s do this,” he grins, as the sound of Raphael chugging along on the drums start, lights flashing behind the five of you.

Leaping off of the back podium, the remaining four of you take center stage, you taking the left side while Talon and Magnus, rhythm and bass guitar, take right.

Ollie of course, being the singer, takes center stage.

Now it’s your turn. Bringing the volume up on your guitar, you begin the famous tapping solo of the original, made famous by one of your greatest idols himself: Eddie Van Halen.

Immediately after, the lights go black, save for three spotlights on Ollie, Raphael and yourself, reflecting the immediate change of volume in the song itself as Ollie addresses the cheering crowd.

“Good evening, class, and welcome to the Ponyville Performance Center,” he lets out a guffaw before eyeing the crowd with a huge grin. “There’s gonna be a few changes around here; my name is Mr. Oliver, and I’ll be your substitute teacher for the rest of the whole fucking concert, what’dya say?!”

The drums pick up again, and so do you. Bringing the volume back up, the concert floor explodes with light behind you as you bust out the main guitar riff of the chorus.

“T-T-Teacher, stop that screamin’! Teacher don’t you see? Don’t wanna be no uptown fool…” he takes a breath, “Maybe I should go to hell! Teacher says I’m doin’ well, she says she needs me after school!”

“I think of all the education that I missed…” you, Talon and Magnus sing into your microphones.

“But then my homework was never quite like THIS!” Ollie laughs after that line as you riff down into the true chorus of the song.

“Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad!” he picks up the microphone stand, dancing a tango with it, “I’m hot for teacher…”

Walking over to him, he grins at you and begins playing air guitar with the microphone stand. “Got it baaaaad, SO bad…”

Tilting it towards you, you belt out to the crowd. “I’m HOT FOR TEACHER!”

Whipping back around, Ollie walks over to the other two on-stage, pulling the microphone off the stand as he wraps his front claws around their shoulders. Taking a moment to catch his breath, he speaks into the microphone again. “I haven’t been to sleep since leaving Gryphus to start this tour,” he chuckles, getting a few laughs from the crowd. “I look a little rough, but I am good to go! What’dya say class? Are you with me so far?!” he calls out to the crowd, eliciting cheers from all around.

Once again, the drums pick up and you bust out the riff of the chorus, Magnus’ bass riff chugging along with you while Talon mimics the same riffing pattern. “Let’s go!”

“I heard about your lessons, but lessons are so cold!” he belts out into the mike. “But I know ‘bout this school…”

“Little girl from Cherry Lawn, how could you be so bold?”

“How did you know that Golden Ruuuule?”

And again, you dive down into the chorus with Talon. “I think of all the education that I missed…”

“But then my homework was NEVER quite like this!” Ollie responds, pumping his other talon into the air. “Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad!” he shouts, pointing the microphone to the crowd.

“I’m hot for teacher!” you hear the collective voice call back; you love when they do.

“Got it baaaad, SO bad!” Ollie pulls the microphone back, spinning the stand around like a baton, “Hot for teacher…”

Your favorite part of the song; tapping solo is a-go!

“Let’s go on over here to Doctor Anon for a ‘special lesson’ in music, how’s that sound class?!” Ollie calls as he walks over to you, pointing at your guitar with the mike stand-baton.

Continuing with your solo, he starts dancing like a madman, now spinning the mike stand around like some kind of Xiaolin monk or some shit.

But he’s not the only one being a showman; you look over and see both Talon and Magnus playing to the crowd in front of them, Talon donning his top hat looking dapper as fuck.

Ah well; if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!

Kneeling down, you continue shredding your guitar, locking eyes with one of the mares down in the front row; she’s got braces and a cherry-colored coat with a pink mane. And damn, she looks like she’s into it; she’s dancing around with another mare standing next to her. Slowing for a moment, she gasps when she realizes that you’re playing to her, and lets out an excited squeal as she reaches both hooves out to you.

Giving her a wink, you stand back up and bring your solo to a close, the screams of the crowd music to your ears.

Once your solo finishes, the music quiets down again, as only the sound of your guitar and Raphael’s hi-hat echo through the stage as Ollie calms down a bit.

“Officially, the only thing I got on my job scores back home was salt-licker; I’m not a very good role model,” he shoots another grin at the crowd as Raphael’s drum kicks start up once again, cueing you to up the volume and intensity of your own instrument.

“Ooo-yeah!” Ollie yells out, belting out another chorus. “I’ve got it bad, got it bad…” he cuts off the line, taking a deep breath. “Hot for teacher!”

And now time for the outro; four chords progressing up, Ollie takes his cue. “Yes I’m hot!” before letting out a cawing screech, shouting “Yes I’m hot!” again.

And now bringing the four-chord progression to a constant loop, he mimics your guitar with “Yes I’m hot oh yes I’m hot oh yes I’m hot oh yes I’m hot!”

Raphael’s bass kicks booming in your ears, you drag your pick down the neck into the song’s outro.

“Let me hear you SCREAM, PONYVILLE!” Ollie practically yells into the microphone at this point, and you swear they are probably hearing this concert all the way back in Gryphus. Time to leave with a good impression!

Dragging both your fret hand and your picking hand across the neck of the guitar, you create an almost lottery-like sliding sound before going into the song’s final chord progression, all four of you going completely batshit crazy on your instruments while Ollie riles the crowd up, beckoning to them with both claws.

“Thank you Ponyville! We’re Predator, and we’re on a mission to drive each and every one of you wild!” Ollie calls out to the crowd, before the four of you play the final chord, the lights fading out behind you as the crowd explodes into thunderous cheering…

Present day…

“…And they completely blew us both away,” Cheerilee smiles to herself, as the waiter came by placing two glasses of juice on the table for the two mares.

“I gotta say, Cheerilee, it’s been a long time since we’ve done something like this,” Berry lets out a small giggle before taking a sip of her drink.

“I know! I’ve been so busy lately, though…” the cherry pony lets out a sigh, staring at her glass, “The children are just so excited for summer to start, things have been getting a bit hectic around the schoolhouse, to be honest…”

Berry smiles, placing a hoof on her friend’s shoulder. “Well, then during summer you won’t have to worry about that kind of stuff, right?”

Cheerilee chuckles, giving Berry a smirk. “Yes, but that’s saying a lot coming from the finest vigneron in all of Ponyville, you’ll be working all day, every day.”

“Not nights, though,” Berry raises an eyebrow. “You should find yourself a stallion and take him out sometime, I’ll even provide a few bottles of my ‘special product’,” Berry waggles her eyebrows at that.

“That’s very kind of you, Berry,” Cheerilee smiles, “But you remember what happened last time someone tried to set me up with a stallion, right?”

Berry nearly chokes on her drink from that statement. “Y-yeah, I remember…” she mutters, groaning and setting her chin on the table, swaying the glass around in her hoof. “It took weeks to get the house back into place…”

Cheerilee nods. “Which is why I try to keep myself single, so that when that stallion comes, I’ll be ready for him.”

“Yeah, but…” Berry raises her head, “how will you know it’s him?”

Cheerilee smiles, staring into her drink. “I’ll just know. It’ll be like back then…”

She looks up, staring at the open blue sky, a few clouds hanging listlessly still. “I wonder whatever happened to them, anyway…”

You were on top of the world. Had everything anyone could ever want.

What happened? Why did things stop being the way they were?

“Damn…” Looking up at the wall, you see your beautiful cherry red Gibson SG Standard, given to you by your father years ago when you first got into music. You remember practicing for hours on end, running on no sleep, as you continued honing your skills whenever you could.

And for what? One day you just woke up, and aside from your guitar, everything was gone. Your friends, your family, all the people who you cared about, and cared about you… gone.

You remember the months that it took to finally cope with the fact that you were no longer in your world, in your universe, even. It took another few years to realize that your body wasn’t aging either, from what you could tell.

Forever stuck in your prime… sounds like a dream come true.

You found a few like-minded individuals in a place you didn’t think you would fit in, and formed strong bonds between the five of you.

Where did that go? What were they doing now? You wonder.

And as you sit here, brooding in your parlor chair next to your gilded fireplace and beautifully crafted, custom-built penthouse, you wonder… could it all happen again?

Standing up, you walk to the other side of the room, where a makeshift telephone is set up. On it, you punch a few buttons, and place it to your ear.

After a few moments, you hear a clicking noise, and an all-too-familiar voice on the other side.

“Hey Anon, what’s going on?”

“Get in touch with Talon, Magnus and Raphael. We’re going on tour again.”

You can hear the shock in Ollie’s voice from the other side. “What are you talking about, Anon? Why now?”

“Because our mission isn’t finished yet. Break time’s over, boys. Back to work.” You hang up the earpiece before he can respond.

Turning back around, you fold your arms across your chest and grin, looking up at your guitar.

Equestria couldn’t handle the five of you last time. Let’s see if it’s grown in these last five years.

After all…

You are Anonymous, and you are on a mission: to bring rock n’ roll to the land of Equestria.

End Chapter 1