Awkward Letters
Okay Spike, you getting this?
Spike?
Oh, you started writing already? Well, okay. Just erase everything I just said then.
Ahem! Dear Princess Celestia... No, no. Wait a minute. That sounds too generic, don’t you think, Spike?
Hey, you agreed not to tell Twilight about this! I swear, if she finds out I’m doing this... Are you still writing?!
Okay, stop writing everything I say, and start writing what you know needs to be said, or asked, or... whatever!
Now then, dear–
No.
Heya, Princess!
No, nah...
Ugh, this is harder than I thought. Just to let you know, I’d be doing this myself if I could write like you can.
What? Of course I went to school! Writing just wasn’t ever my thing, you know? I was always too preoccupied with flying, and racing, and...
No! I-I wasn’t procrastinating... I just liked physical stuff more.
Look, would you just take the stupid letter already?
I know I keep getting sidetracked, but I don’t really know how to start. Maybe if you helped?
Fine! I’ll start it off like this:
My lovely, dearest, bubble-bootie sunbutt beagle,
I’ve been having some trouble with your student, Twilight Spectacle.
… What?
Her last name’s Sparkle? But, I specifically remember her telling me it was Spectacle! We were over by the lake, I’d just performed this awesome cannon ball...
Oh, I guess you’re right. Sparkle does makes more sense...
What?
No she didn’t!
Well, if she did tell me her full name the first time we met, I must’ve misheard her.
I Probably wasn’t listening any of those times either!
I did? When? I don’t even remember ever calling her Twilight Sparkle. Actually, that’s so lame. Why Sparkle? Spectacle sounds more catchy in my opinion!
Right, right, you’re the pet. You’re right, I’m wrong.
Yes, you are.
Yes, Spike. You’re her pet.
Her brother? BWAHAHAHA! Yeah, right!
Look, can we get this underway already?
Okay, where was I? Oh yeah!
You see, Twilight Sparkle (as Spike insists) has recently caught my interest. Not just as a friend, but as a...
Say, Spike, should I say lover?
Well, it just sounds so... uh, well, right to use.
Marefriend? That’s so elementary school! Nopony says that these days. What are you, a little kid?
… Oh, right, I guess you are. My bad, but listen, I don’t wanna say lover. That’s sorta... awkward.
I know this whole letter business is awkward! Would you just ignore that and help me? Or are you just gonna keep this up? Arguing with me and making things more complicated than they have to be is kinda silly, don’t you think?
No, you!
No... you!
NO! YOU!
Alright, that’s it! Forget the whole thing! Why don’t you just go?
Fine! I’ll go, since this is your house–
Oh, my bad, this is your master, Twilight Sparkle’s house.
No, okay. I’m sorry. Just, please, help me out with this. I honestly can’t trust anyone else but you with this task, you know?
Alright, I’ll calm down and try my best to work with you. Okay?
From the top, right...
You got that part?
Well, don’t use that! I was just kidding.
Alright, we’ll do it your way. Keep going where we left off.
… I guess lover would be the best way to say this. You see, she’s always been there for me, even when I don’t want her to be, and yet, she still helps. I’ve been becoming really reliant on her lately...
You getting this, Spike?
Okay, just checking.
Right, right, just let me think...
And, even though I’m a girl, and she’s a girl, I still feel... uh, feelings?
Are you sure?
I dunno, dude, it just sounds repetitive.
Hey, I do to have a good vocabulary! Want me to show you some of the more colorful words I know?
That’s what I thought. Now, write the stupid letter.
… Uh, please?
I look at her, and I can’t help but feel my belly tighten up, and then, I wanna hug her for no real reason, if that makes sense. She’s just so beautiful, and it seemed to come outta nowhere, too! I always thought she looked pretty, but now that she has wings, and there’s something for us to do other than reading, we’ve been talking more.
Does this sound cheesy?
Oh, come on! Be honest, Spike.
It does too, it sounds horrible when I talk like this.
How about this then:
Hey, Princess. Guess what. I’m in super-duper, totally gay, wanna-bang-your-student, LOVE with Twilight! Tell me what to do. Should I just confess and tell her like a boss? Should I just waltz right on up and kiss her? You know her best! Would she even like that?!
No, don’t put that down...
Hmm...
Yeah, I know this isn’t going over well, but it’s not that bad of an idea. I mean, Celestia might be able to help! If she does, I get my mare, right?
I’m not being smug. Why would you say that?
I’m not egotistical! Gah, just... write the letter for Celestia’s sake!
Yes, yes, get rid of the other parts about the kissing stuff and all that.
Uh, now, I’m not really good at writing these sorta things, but I’m doing my best to put my thoughts on paper.
Yes, Spike. I want Celestia to think I wrote this, so please.
… Uh, yeah. I knew she’d recognize your claw-writing, but still.
… Just write the letter before I tell Twilight about your dragon illustrated magazines behind the shelf.
You just told me.
Yeah, I am mean, aren’t I? Now, stop distracting me.
You see, Princess, I can’t think of anypony more qualified to be mine, and to be honest, I’m the only girl for her, too.
So what if it’s a little overboard! I’m probably just gonna scrap this anyway.
Because, we need some practice before actually writing this thing up!
I know you’d rather just do it and be done, but I wanna make sure Celestia feels perfectly alright with me requesting her help with this sorta thing.
Well, first of all, she’s older than time itself; like a super granny.
Yes, I said granny. An old hag, sure, but one with plenty of experience. Just the kind I need to tell me what to do and how to do it right!
I don’t care if she’d be offended by that. She’s not gonna see anything I’m saying right now.
… ANYWAY, I just wanted to know, what does Twilight like in a mare? That is, assuming she’s into mares. Does she like stunts? Or, oh! Oh! I know! She likes books! Would giving her an erotic poem depicting my intense flaming passion for her work?
Sh-shut up, Spike! Who asked you?
Stop laughing at me!
You’re supposed to be writing, not talking. Please, do this for me?
What do you get outta it?
Umm... I hadn’t really...
What?! Those cost so much! I’d never...
Fine. I’ll get your stinking rock, but no more interruptions!
It’s not like I didn’t intentionally develop this small, tiny... minuscule...
Aren’t you supposed to be writing?
Look, Princess, I just need your help in growing a better relationship with Twilight. You know, getting closer with her, being able to date her eventually. I don’t know where to start.
Spike, if I started by asking her out, that’s sure to ruin everything for me, so please. Besides, like you know anything about love.
You and Rarity? Pa-lease! Now then. One more word outta you, and I swear by Luna’s posterior, I’ll end this. I won’t pay you either. It’s your choice.
… That’s what I thought.
So, yeah! Drop me a line sometime, and let me know what’s up. I hope you can, at the very least, be able to provide some information on how I could... uh... I dunno, get in Twilight’s bed?
Stop laughing!
Yes, we’re done.
So what? I don’t have to get you anything! After all, you were so difficult to work with!
Life’s unfair, little dude. Now, I’m gonna go get some grub. While I do that, you can edit that and send it.
It’s either you edit and send, or no expensive diamond!
That’s what I thought.
~Sincerely, Rainbow Dash
P.S. Hey, Princess. It’s me, Spike... I couldn’t resist jotting down every word she spoke. Really, she does want your help with how to woo Twilight. However, it’s her attitude about wanting my help that made me so willing to do this. Not a very friendly thing to do, but her calling you those names wasn’t very nice either. I feel you might want to keep my actions a secret, for my sake. And, also, in case you’re wondering about those magazines, those are for research! Of the aging of dragons. It’s really hard to erase that part with it being permanent ink, so I just thought I’d let you know what that was all about before you got any wild and totally incorrect thoughts on it. Well, I guess that’s it. The next move is completely yours. I’ve got a nice treat headed my way... rather fast... Oh, no! That is Rainbow Dash! Belch!
Princess Celestia lowered the parchment from her gaze, sighed, and looked at the picture of Twilight in the frame sitting nicely on her nightstand. It was taken just after her princess coronation, and brought out all her best physical qualities, from her shining eyes to the cute smile she almost always wore.
For a while, her highness became lost in thought on what she wanted to do. Not whether to help Rainbow, but to have Twilight pack up and move back to the palace immediately. Finally, after much contemplation and consideration, she made up her mind. As a loose piece of paper fluttered magically through the air, a quill and inkwell passed beside her frame. Dipping her utensil a bit, she thought hard about what to write, and how it could be written without creating any trouble for herself.
My dearest Rainbow Dash,
You must understand, I’m not some “old, sexually experienced hag” that knows how to pick up anypony I come across. Sure, I can topple Fleur De Lis with ease, but I’m not really open to sharing my secrets. I know my way around the block, and I can compete with the best, but for years now, I too have had my eyes set on the same mare you do. Yes, my little pony. Twilight Sparkle is mine, not yours. Not anypony else’s. Why do you think I went ahead and made her an alicorn?
Because I wanted her for myself. I remember her being a filly, and that impressive display of power and magic... it made me feel happy to know there was somepony like her out there in the world these days. How many unicorns do you see walking about that can perform such outstanding stunts the way she can? Not that many. It is this reason, I must confess, that I decided to allow her the right of become my personal apprentice. But, it was also because I wanted to get closer to her. Learn what she would be like once coming of age, and I knew if I let her slip away back then, I might never have my chance with such an attractive and promising mare like her ever again!
Before you go getting any wild ideas, no. I never touched her at such a young age, nor would I do that to anypony. For all her training years under my guiding wing, she and I remained friends, and nothing more. I assure you, it wasn’t until after she came into adulthood that I began to timidly show my true affection for her, and even then, she still didn’t pick up the signals I was sending her. I knew there had to be a way to extend the quick passing time with her so I might win her over, and then, it hit me.
The only way I could ensure her to be mine was make her an alicorn. Yes, I hate to admit it, but that’s the whole reason of me sending her to Ponyville to learn about friendship. The process of ascension is far beyond your understanding, my dear Dash. Not to say that it’s beyond somepony like Rarity’s or even Spike’s, but to be frank, you’d probably be rereading that part over and over again along with the segments of this letter that you’ve more than likely already reviewed a few times. She’s a special one, Twilight Sparkle. So special, I simply had to have her for myself.
I’ve given and given and sacrificed so much for these ponies; my sister, Discord, and even the Crystal Palace, but that’s another story. The point is, I’ve been through, well; basic hell. Excuse my language, but it’s true. I’ve done everything in my power to be a benevolent leader for my subjects. It’s only fair I get something for myself, and what I wanted for the longest time, I didn’t know... until I came across that cute, innocent filly. She would grow up to be the most appealing of all my other students, I just knew it. From that day on, I knew exactly what I wished for. It was her, Twilight Sparkle that made me finally do something a bit wrong.
I know what I’ve done isn’t the best choice in life, but you simply must see it from my point of view. As I said, giving up my own happiness for others left me drained. Twilight was, and still is, about the only thing in this world that gives me new hope. My sister is another, but I not only needed Luna back, but someone to love and have her return the favor. I know how hard this must be for you to accept, and it’s tough for me to write my thoughts so briefly, but unfortunately, if I don’t, I fear you’ll snatch her up before I finally receive my opportunity.
This isn’t a threat, this is a warning. Stay friends with Twilight. Friends, Rainbow Dash. Nothing more, nothing less. I suggest you find another mare to entice, for I’ve already chosen mine. It’s with a heavy heart I must apologize to you for ruining your hopes, but life isn’t fair. Now, another warning, just for good measure. If you tell Twilight anything, or even show her this letter, I will not hesitate with punishment. I didn’t spend nearly all of Twilight Sparkle’s life with her just for this to backfire on me.
I know what will happen, too. In a possible universe where you and her do get together, you’ll die in only a few year’s time, and she’ll be so hurt by the loss that she won’t possess the strength to love anypony ever again. I’ll have wasted all these years with her, sacrificing some of my own strength for her just to have Twilight fall into a depression that you created. I may be a tad bit paranoid, but can you blame me? In a sense, I’m protecting Twilight from mental pain while hopefully providing her years of happiness with me.
I hope there’s no hard feelings, Rainbow Dash. I plead you for your forgiveness, and beg to remain friends with you. Just let me have this bit of happiness, and I’ll compensate someday, somehow. I’d hate for you to see me as a tyrant, and I know that’s the very word you wish to use. But, I will make this up to you, I promise. Though I don’t know just what I’ll do, I figure you’ll think of something someday. Simply tell me your deepest desire other than Twilight the next time you’re visiting, and I’ll find a way to grant your wish, so to speak. It must be within reason, too.
With the most potent of respect for you, and strong love, I finish this letter with one last note. Yes, Spike was writing everything you said, and he sent it just like that. With this letter, I send to you the very same you never saw that he sent to me just before you returned. Just a small deed for the troubles I must have justly caused you, and a petite instance to take your mind off of my Twilight, if only for a brief time.
~Sincerely, the ruler of Equestria and future mate of Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia.
Rainbow’s hooves shook as she read the words of both letters in her head, her eyes narrowing at her own words she had Spike write. As for the dragon, he remained silent, curious why the second looked so familiar. Rainbow set that one face-down on the table, closed her eyes angrily and gulped. Spiteful towards the princess for being so selfish, Rainbow huffed, opened her eyes to stare at the shaking dragon in front of her, and told him to prepare for another note.
Hey, you jerk!
Twilight was mine! How dare you claim rights to her as though she were an item! You know what I should do? I should tell Twilight everything! I really could, too! I wouldn’t care about what befell me, so long as Twilight knows what you’ve done, I’d be thoroughly happy. You’re lucky, though. Being the element of loyalty, something I really regret being right now, I have no choice but to keep this a secret.
… Spike, I plan on seeing to it that you keep quiet. How’s another one of those diamonds you enjoyed so much sound?
Yeah? Well I’ll get you ten! Just shut it and write.
Don’t worry about Spike, Princess Molestia! I’ve got him covered. Yes, he’s writing this right now, so he’ll know about it. I’m gonna show him the letter, then shut him up. Be happy I’m doing that. I could just leave that bit out, but I have respect for you, even though it’s been shrunk immensely now. Who knows why I have any left! What you’re doing to Twilight is just... Ugh!
I can’t believe that bitch! What’s her deal? Who does that to somepony like Twilight?! I’d never intentionally be so corrupted the way she’s being!
I know, I know. She’s the ruler of Equestria...
So? It’s not like anypony asked her to care for them.
Stop making sense! Get back to writing, please...
You’ve got all these suitors, all those stallions and other mares, but of all the ponies you could’ve turned into an alicorn, it had to be my Twilight? Talk about low with a capital L! I shouldn’t deal with this, but with that threat, and you know it’s a threat! I can’t do anything to save Twilight from basically becoming your personal love item. You may think you understand how much hurt I’m feeling right now, but you don’t! You have no idea how much this brings me down.
All I wanted was Twilight to be mine. She wouldn’t “fall into a deep depression” and “never love again.” If anything, she’d be heartbroken for a bit, sure, but she’d get over it. Then she’d be all yours. It’s insane you’re doing this to both me and her! I couldn’t care less about what you’ve sacrificed. All I’m concerned with is the fact that, well...
Spike, how should I put this?
… Yeah, yeah! Here I was, hoping for your help with something really important to me, and all you did was make it worse. I may never, ever call out for your assistance again. Not after this! Why would I? So you can just trash everything again? I don’t think so! There’s no way I’ll ever trust you to help me out with anything like this ever again! It is tyrannical of you to abuse Twilight’s life like this. It is wrong to do this to me, and it’s most definitely gonna rear karma’s fat, ugly head your way! Rest assured Celestia, I feel it. You’re going to regret ever tearing me and Twilight apart like this.
I could go on and on, all day about how much I loathe you now. I could have Spike send letter after dumb letter to you, only to have you reply with this stupid, snide remark about how much more you love Twilight, and how I don’t deserve her. But no, I’d be wasting my time. I know you’ve got better things to do now, like preparing for your’s and Twilight’s wedding, and choosing the perfect place for your honeymoon. Well, I’ll tell you right now! I’m not going to that wedding! I’m not even gonna write a card wishing you two the best together. I’ll be dealing with more important things during that time, I’m sure.
As for my wish, you know what I want? I know what it is right now! I’ll tell you. I want you to go far away! I never wanna see your ugly mug ever again! I mean, seriously... How could you? I always saw you as a mystical, gentle, kind and loving idol. I never would’ve guessed in a million years you’d be a marefriend stealer!
… Sh-shut up, Spike! I know that’s f-for kids to say!
No, I’m not c-crying!
Just shut up and send the letter!
Once Celestia was finished reading, she sat for a long time, unable to think clearly anymore. Was what she doing right, or was it wrong? She honestly could no longer tell. It was as though Rainbow’s points conflicted with her own, but yet, didn’t at the same time. Was she to respond by replying? Could she reply without sounding even more astray from the path of nobility? She didn’t know. She couldn’t know, not with this mentality. So, in the end, Rainbow never did get a letter back from the one that hurt her so, and for the longest time, Rainbow avoided Twilight. Only on rare occasions would she come by to pick up a book or two to read, and to talk with Spike.
Only he knew what brought about such sorrow within Rainbow’s heart, and only he was trusted. Eventually, she and Spike became closer friends, and he would be so supportive of her, too. Always cheering her up with his company, letting her know there were other mares besides Twilight that were just as good to date, if not better, but for a great deal of the year that passed after that incident, Rainbow could no longer look at Celestia the same way she once did.
Anytime the princess visited Ponyville, Rainbow hardly said a word to her. Only when she was stuck with doing so did she greet Celestia, but more than often, Twilight could tell she was furtively hiding something that pained her more than anything else ever had in her entire life. What that was, Twilight wouldn’t be granted the benefit of knowing. She’d lost count of exactly how many times she investigated, only to have Rainbow put on this obvious mask and pretend nothing was wrong. In truth, though, it was talking with Twilight that became such a bother for her.
Although Rainbow remained isolated in her emotional state, she would come to learn to treat Spike as a respected confidant when she needed an opinion, and that would end up reaching its boiling point during a visit to the library. “Spike?” she asked upon discovering that Twilight was out of the house.
He stood by a stack of books arranging and rearranging them accordingly, but still being sure to give Rainbow some of his much-needed attention. “Yeah?” he asked after placing another book in its proper place.
For a minute, she had to think thoroughly on what she really wanted to ask. “... How often would you say Princess Celestia and Twilight see each other nowadays?”
Spike kept working, not really looking her way, but just tilting his head in thought. “Well, to be honest, it’s been much more common over the past year.”
Rainbow sighed in frustration, unsatisfied with the answer her curiosity had produced. “How much more?”
He stopped, turned around and slowly approached her. Placing his claw on Rainbow’s shoulder, Spike did his best to assure her, “It’s not healthy to dwell on something like that.”
“But,” Rainbow began to pout, “how am I supposed to simply deal with what the princess did?”
He shook his head, looked down and tried to remind her, “You’ve been really calm about it all year. Why let it get to you now?”
Yet another wave of silence fell upon the two. Rainbow didn’t want to say it, but she’d been hurting inside for all that time, ever since Celestia replied to her with that dreadful letter. “I just don’t know what to do, or how to feel anymore.”
All went quiet once more. Rainbow wondered about how to cope with her situation, and Spike briefly got back to the task he was assigned. Ten minutes wouldn’t even pass by before Twilight returned, looking content as always. At least Rainbow could smile at that, unlike the resentment she felt whenever being anywhere near Princess Celestia.
However, as long as Twilight would be taken care of, it didn’t matter much to Rainbow Dash just who was making her friend happy, so long as they could do it. So long as she kept telling herself that, and as she believed it, Rainbow knew she would have the strength to keep on smiling.
Author's Note
Edited by ShimmeringStallion and RainbowBob.
... I can't even do comedy correctly.
