My Little Farlander: Friendship is Pig Murder
God... Bless America Wolfie!
"All right," Kurt J. Mac said, sitting down in his home office's chair. "Time for another episode of Far Lands or Bust."
After a moment of boot-up, he was greeted with the classic dirt menu of Minecraft. Selecting the only save file, Kurt entered the Far Lands or Bust world.
"Woof!" he heard his virtual pet wolf, Wolfie, give him his cue. "Hello, ladies and gentlemen! My name is Kurt, and welcome back to Far Lands or Bust!"
Breaking out of his classic box "hidey-hole", he continued his opening spiel, ordering Wolfie to follow him. "Currently we've reached a total of-- Woah! Cool!" he exclaimed, investigating a strange formation of rock that came up on his screen.
"Now, this is why I like Minecraft Beta: you won't find this in the full version." Continuing past the formation, the terrain began to change subtly, unbeknownst to Kurt.
While the terrain changed, Wolfie gave a plaintive whine, garnering Kurt's concern. "How did you hurt yourself?" he asked, getting from his inventory another one of the raw pork chop bone-treats.
Surprisingly Wolfie answered right back with a scared bark. "You are talkative today," Kurt stated, "feeding" the bone to the grayish-white wolf, who stood back up. "Huh, did I just eat that? Wait, why did you whine? Oh well, to the Far Lands!"
Soon, the sun began to set, and Kurt used his patented "elevated hidey-hole", quickly falling asleep on the bed placed.
"And a Wolfie-being-weird-ness!" he declared upon waking. "This is really strange generation: all the blocks are no longer blocky."
Indeed the generation had changed from Minecraft's iconic blocks to a very realistic landscape, including a spherical sun. Shrugging the feeling off, Kurt walked off the elevated tower of dirt face-first into the ground.
He groaned. After another moment of confused silence, he slowly pulled his face from the small impact crater that it had left. "Um..." he said, giving a chagrinned inspection of the area.
Wolfie had now sat down, looking innocently at his master. Kurt wiped the soil from his face, and looked back at his hand. Why did he feel pain and the dirt coming off his face?
Suddenly he realized that he wasn't holding his diamond sword, which was slung over his back. Laughing nervously, he said, "Okay, good prank Zisteau, or Bdubs, or whoever. You can end it now!"
He was only greeted with the chirping of some nearby birds. As he contemplated the situation, Kurt's attention was brought to the distance by Wolfie, who was eagerly pointing in the direction of some clay buildings in the distance.
"Did I somehow select the wrong jar file?" Kurt asked himself. "Well, fellow Farlanders, you are going to have a special episode today!" He sauntered off towards the distant village, still thinking he was playing Minecraft.
Hours of walking later, a thoroughly tired Kurt plodded into town, his classy brown trench coat with blue suit and red tie soiled. "Greetings Squidward villagers!" he proclaimed, expectantly waiting to see a few of the strange, humanoid villagers of the full version of Minecraft. Instead he heard a few gasps of fear and awe behind him and turned. Staring in wide-eyed amazement, were three technicolored miniature horses.
After a moment of silence, the one in the middle, which was wearing a large, red bow asked, "Gee mister, we ain't never seen somepony like you before! Is this here dog yours?"
The comment sailed over Kurt's head, who was still frantically trying to process what he saw. Wolfie had sat down and was being smothered in attention by the three fillies, something which made him quite happy.
"What?" he flatly asked, shaking his head in befuddlement.
"Hey, I know who we could bring this guy to," the orange-colored filly said. "We could see if Twilight knows what this guy is."
"Who's Twilight?" Kurt asked.
"Yeah," the third filly agreed. "She'll figure this out."
"Who's Twilight?" Kurt asked.
"Come on, mister!" the first filly ordered, magically grabbing his hand with her hoof and pulling him towards the center of town.
"Who's Twilight?" Kurt asked, Wolfie obediently following his baffled master.
***
"This is amazing, girls!" a purple, winged-unicorn exclaimed after the three fillies showed off Kurt and Wolfie.
Kurt still wasn't fully sure of what was happening; one moment, he was recording Far Lands or Bust, and the next he was in some strange world of talking horses. Wait, talking horses? After that realization, some shock began to circulate in his brain: was he in the My Little Pony universe? What did he do to deserve this?
While he was in contemplation, the horses, ponies, whatever had finished chatting and he was left with just the purple one. "Hello!" she cheerily greeted. "I'm Twilight Sparkle, what's your name?"
"Hm?" he mumbled, shaken from his reverie. Wolfie looked at him and barked. "Oh, right, Wolfie! My name is Kurt, and, well, where am I in Minecraft?"
"Minecraft? You're in Equestria. Is this 'Minecraft' where you come from?" Twilight inquired thoughtfully.
"No. Well you see-- Forget it. Why am I talking to a technicolored horse?" he huffed, preparing to leave the tree-house or whatever this place he was in was.
"Wait!" Twilight called. "Can I show around Ponyville?"
"Ponyville. Really?" Kurt mumbled under his breath. "Sure! And maybe you can help me find the Easter Bunny afterwards!" he snarked.
"Well, I could help you search for him, but he doesn't come out very often." Twilight happily answered, his sarcasm flying over her head.
Inwardly Kurt berated himself for not thinking about the candy-land fantasy world's inhabitants. "Come on, Wolfie." he commanded.
"Woof!" Wolfie replied, running headlong into the doorframe.
"God... Bless America, Wolfie!" Kurt snapped as Wolfie dazedly went out the door after his master.
"Is there something you'd like to eat?" Twilight asked as the trio walked into the restaurant area of town.
"Well, Wolfie and I could go for a good pork chop." Kurt stated, emphasized by said wolf giving an emphatic bark.
"Pork chop?" Twilight asked, confused at the terminology.
"You know, pig meat!" Kurt clarified.
"Well, I don't really know what you're talking about, but maybe Applejack can help you. She has some friendly pigs on her farm." she said, tapping her hoof against her chin.
"Sure, sure, whatever." he agreed, motioning Wolfie to follow.
***
"Well howdy partner!" an orange-brown pony, horse, whatever greeted Kurt, giving a warm, albeit too eager, handshake. "What can I do fer you and Twilight?"
"Hi Applejack," Twilight said before Kurt could answer. "Kurt--" she gestured towards him "wanted to see your pigs for some reason."
"Well sure, ya can see 'em! Don't know why. They aren't much for conversing." Applejack stated, leading the three towards the pig pen.
Wolfie began drooling slightly and wagging his tail at the sight of the fat, dirty swine. The pigs looked up at the approaching figures and gave a few grunts and snorts before going back to their mud-wallowing.
Opening the gate to the pen, Applejack said, "There ya go. Be sure to say goodbye on the way out!"
Easily stepping over the fence meant for ponies, Kurt punched one of the pigs, yanking his fist back in pain. This was enough for Wolfie however, who swiftly pounced on the surprised pig, soon killing it. Happily chewing on the corpse, Wolfie looked up at Kurt, a wolf equivalent of a smile spreading across his muzzle.
Kurt glanced back at where Twilight and Applejack stood, the two ponies carrying disgusted looks on the faces before relieving the stomachs of their contents. Shifting his eyes left and right, he looked back at the two ponies, who were now beginning to approach him, anger on their features. "Um... I think I should be going." he nervously murmered.
"I just wanted to heal my wolf!" Kurt cried frantically as he and Wolfie were being chased from Ponyville by an angry mob.
The mob consisted of the entire town. Apparently, they didn't eat meat. Murder was in the mob's eyes. They were determined to catch the lanky biped and his wolf.
As the chase continued, Kurt noticed that they ran past his elevated hidey-hole from the night before. Doubling back and quickly grabbing pieces of dirt from his new backpack, Kurt stacked up to the safety of the hidey-hole.
The mob soon surrounded the dirt tower, Kurt jeering at them. What he wasn't expecting was for a blue streak to come out of nowhere and slam into him and knock him off his perch.
"No! Let me go!" Kurt cried as the mob surrounded him and began dragging him back to town.
Managing to get an arm free he plaintively ordered Wolfie to run away, which was promptly ignored, and soon Wolfie too, was captured.
As the mob entered the center of town, Kurt saw a pit that opened into his worst fear: the Nether of Minecraft Beta. Uselessly, he tried to scramble free of the mob. A moment later he and Wolfie were flung into the pit. "Farewell Wolfie! It was a fun time." Kurt screamed as he and Wolfie fell towards the ground.
Suddenly Kurt jerked up. He rubbed his eyes. He was back in his apartment home office. Minecraft was patiently waiting on the main menu for him to start. Confused, Kurt began looking around his office and feeling his body. He was alive: no bruises or injuries. Was it all a dream?
After another moment of confused inspection, he finally shrugged and loaded in the Far Lands or Bust world. "Hello, ladies and gentlemen! My name is Kurt, and welcome back to Far Lands or Bust! Indeed Wolfie?" A handful of seconds later he heard some panting.
"Pant pant. Good enough! And today loyal Farlanders, I have an interesting story to tell you. Also remind me to never have honey-roasted peanuts before bed again."
