Adrian In Equestria
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Disclaimer: Complete and utter crack and a pure work of fiction. Expect suckage and craziness.
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Adrian opened his eyes in the golden light of a late Saturday morning in Spain. Since he had nothing to do that day, he got on Skype to see who was online. His friends were all offline, partying and drinking, no doubt. The bastards hadn’t even wished him happy birthday! Two names drew his attention: Cassie and John Conquest. They had been his Skype friends for a while now, though he had never met either of them in person of account of both of them living the United States of America. Nevertheless, he considered them his friends. They all shared a special common bond, and that was a love of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Indeed, that was how they had first met.
Adrian saw that neither Cassie nor John were online. While he had long since stopped being disappointed at the absence of the latter, the former’s absence meant that he had one long, boring day ahead of him without any company. Bored, the Spaniard of normal build and height logged onto fimfiction.net to find some diversion. Oh how he wanted to leave his drab life behind and go to Equestria. He wanted adventure, he wanted romance, and if it were at all possible, a fifty foot tall Rainbow Dash, though he’d settle for a regular-sized Rainbow Dash. He wanted a loyal girl like her who would stick with him no matter what.
Adrian stopped hours later. He leaned back in his chair and sighed, “If only Equestria were a real place I could go to. That’d be great. Yeah, and today’s my twenty-first birthday, too…” It was just another forgettable birthday for a forgettable man in a forgettable life.
Suddenly, a loud explosion came from outside! It set off all the car alarms and made all the dogs bark like mad. Adrian hid under the bedcovers, shivering for a few minutes before cautiously poking his head out to investigate. John wouldn’t have cowered; he’d probable have either not given a damn, or happily grabbed a gun, thinking that the noise meant that some sort of battle was about to happen. Adrian never had never compared to Brian in courage, or in craziness. In that moment, he wished that he were there with him. His friend might have had a good quip, or a relevant funny anecdote, or better yet, been in full combat gear and raring to go. He could imagine the man with his assault rifle, his camouflage, his body armor, and his gratuitous Russian, flying down the stairs while singing a song.
Adrian looked out the window, parting the blinds with his fingers. The street was deserted – not a person in sight, and certainly nobody was making any noise in the profound silence. That was the least confounding thing, though, as a thing had suddenly emerged from right out of nowhere right into the middle of his front lawn! A large, circular stone platform supported a pair of stone beams, positioned at opposite ends of the dais, and each of them rising at a forty-five degree angle towards the middle. In between these two beams was a strange, blue, shimmering thing that gave off a gentle, warm light. He watched it for a good long time until he was sure that not only was he not hallucinating crazy shit, but that it also wasn’t going to kill him.
Adrian walked down the stairs and exited his house. Strangely, he didn’t see his parents or his sisters. He cautiously approached the portal. The very air thrummed with noiseless energy. The portal surface looked like it was covered with water, kinda like those things they showed in Stargate. Even though he was fascinated, Adrian didn’t dare touch the portal, despite being unable to look away. For all he knew, it was just like a beautiful woman; nice to look at, but if he dared to touch, then he’d be in a world of pain. He imagined that Brian would probably have already said something sophomoric and then jumped headlong into it.
The quandary confronted Adrian. He didn’t know whether to advance or retreat. He knew for sure that Cassie would be telling him to be safe and stay away from it. Brian would definitely be pouring all over the damn thing by now, and probably making tons of bad jokes to boot. In his heart, he knew what he was ultimately going to do. Ever since Brian had gone missing one day months ago after claiming that he was going to check on a noise downstairs and then be back, the Spaniard had been feeling much less adventuresome. Knowing his luck, if touching it didn’t outright kill him, the portal would likely make him wish he’d died, like drop him in the middle of a Justin Bieber concert, or put him in a world where Spain really was like its depiction in Resident Evil 4, or it could just make his internet lag like hell for all eternity. Adrian turned away after a while. He was going to go back into his house to phone the police. He’d dial 1-1-2, go inside, lock the door, and let it be somebody else’s problem.
Adrian had only gone a few steps when he could’ve sworn that he saw a brief flash of red light. He ignored it and pressed on towards the front door. He was almost there when he suddenly heard some footsteps behind him. He ignored them, telling himself that it was just his mind playing tricks on him. Dink. He unmistakably heard some sort of metallic sound come from the portal. He turned on the spot and sought the source of the disturbance. ““¿Hola? ¿Quién eres? ¿Qué estás haciendo?” Silence. Fear gripped Adrian.” Silence. Fear gripped Adrian. He had to get out of there – now! He turned away, but just then, a shape came out from behind a stone and darted towards him! He tried to run and scream, but the shape pounced him, clamping what must’ve been a hand over his mouth.
“Vene mecum,” It said gravely. Adrian felt something metallic press against the back of his head. Was that a gun barrel? He complied silently, getting to his feet slowly and not resisting, even as he was marched towards the portal. His kidnapper did not speak, instead preferring to direct him with his gun, Adrian kept silent, though he started to sweat and squirm as he neared the portal. He’d always somehow figured that portals were in some way supposed to be warm, but as he neared this one, he felt the hot, dry, air turn cool and humid, like stepping into an ice cream parlor after jogging at midday in July.
The pressure stopped and Adrian stood before the portal. He didn’t dare look around or run. He noticed that it made a faint sound vaguely reminiscent of the crackling of a fire, but more highly-pitched and sped up. His palms were sweaty. He really did not want to go into the portal, but it didn’t look like he’d be able to get out of it. It was like something out of a bad human in Equestria story. He and his unseen companion stood there for almost a minute until the blue glow suddenly turned red. Then, a blow struck Adrian in the small of his back, sending him stumbling into the portal.
Adrian didn’t remember hitting the portal. He merely remembered it suddenly being way too close and then suddenly everything going black. It reminded him of being put under for surgery, except that when he awoke, he found himself standing on his feet and feeling as if he’d just spontaneously come out of a trance, but was otherwise completely fine. He remembered being in his front yard because a portal had opened in it, and then a guy nabbing him and shoving him into said portal. What a crazy dream he’d had. There was no way that could’ve possibly – his assailant just suddenly materialized right in front of him!
“¡Mierda!” Adrian tried to turn and run, but immediately crashed face-first into a brick wall. “¡Joder!” There was no denying it; this was all real. Surely the mysterious gunman was going to kill him any second now. He was even laughing at his pathetic victim splayed out on the stone floor. In fact, he was laughing too hard to even reach for the gun strapped to his back.
“Davaj, bratan!” Adrian’s foe laughed merrily with a familiar harsh Russian accent. “There’s headstrong and then there’s stupidity. And then there’s absolutely hilarious fail.” He approached and extended a gloved hand. “Come on, get up, my friend. I’m not going to kill you.” Adrian took his rough, gloved hand and rose to his feet. “At least not yet.”
He’d just heard the man speak Russian, right? “Who are you?”
The man groaned, “Tovarisch, seriously…” He sighed, “How many guys do you know that use gratuitous Russian, have lots of military equipment, are friends with you, and have been missing for the past several months?”
The wheels in Adrian’s head spun. Sure enough, it was Brian, wearing his Ukrainian woodland TTsKO camo, 6B4, SSh-40, a black balaclava with a single vision slit, and holding his trademark AK-74 with the bayonet attached. Wow, the fact that he recognized all this stuff and took the time to call it out meant that he really needed a new hobby. Just seconds later, he heard a tomboyish voice call out, “Hey, Kalash, what was that thing you wanted to show me?”
“Rainbow Dash!?” Adrian gasped, taken completely by surprise.
Rainbow Dash shot back, “Who said that?”
Kalash whispered, “Yes, that really is Rainbow Dash and you are really in Equestria. Why don’t you go out and meet her?” He unslung his gun.
“O-okay. Adrian got to his feet. He was trembling with nervousness and excitement. He felt like Pinkie Pie, ready to explode at any moment.
“How do you feel?”
Adrian gulped. “I’m so excited, I could explode.”
“Oh my!”
“Pervert.”
“Anyway, you’re handling this surprisingly well. You’re at a portal in Equestria – identical to the one I abducted you through on earth.”
Rainbow Dash called, “Hey, anypony there? Kalash?”
Kalash replied, “Just a sec.” He whispered to Adrian, “Ready to go?”
“I can’t.”
“Chto!?”
“No hablo ruso.”
“That’s not the point,” hissed Kalash. He took a deep breath. “Look, in a lot of our Skype chats, you said that you wanted to move to Equestria and get a girl like Rainbow Dash. Well, ever since I arrived in Equestria, I’ve been trying to figure out how to help you really achieve those goals.”
Adrian gaped and shook his head. “But doing this for real – it- I’m telling you it’s totally different!”
Kalash replied, “And I’m telling you to do it, filly. I’ll explain later. Now go!” He forcefully shoved Adrian out of his hiding spot, directly in front of Rainbow Dash. Kalash casually stepped out and turned to face the now-startled blue pegasus mare. “Rainbow Dash, meet Adrian. Adrian, meet Rainbow Dash. Rainbow, this guy’s been dying to meet you for a long time. Adrian, this mare’s been feeling the same way.” Kalash slung up his AK-74, again across his back and then moved to watch the mutually speechless pair get acquainted.
Adrian waved nervously. “Uh… hi?” I’m Adrian, and I…” he nervously ran his fingers through his thick, short black hair.
“Adrian?” Rainbow demanded. She yelled upwards, “Kalash, you told me his name’s Sayer!”
“Problem? You mad?” Rainbow groaned.
Adrian looked into her eyes and gave her a knowing look. “Is he a crazy troll here, too?”
“Totally. He does it all the time; does it even more than Pinkie Pie.”
“Oh my!”
“Hey!” Rainbow shouted at Kalash. “Quit it.”
The ice was broken. Adrian asked Rainbow Dash, “Wanna know a secret?”
“Yeah.” Her wings twitched slightly as she lowered her head down to his.
“Kalash’s real name is Brian.” Rainbow snorted loudly.
“PFFT! Brian!? Are you kidding me?” Adrian shook his head. “Wahahaha! I can- I can’t even – hahahahaha!!” She lost control, rolling on the ground as tears of mirth rolled down her face. Adrian looked at her, bewildered.
“What’s so funny? Brian’s just a name. Or does it mean something bad?”
“Nah, it’s just that we’ve been calling him Kalash the whole time, and nopony ever asked him if that was even his name.”
“Heh, I guess that is kinda funny.” Adrian paused. “I don’t get it.”
Brian blurted out, “I know you don’t.”
“Oh, come off it, Brian!” Adrian fired back.
Rainbow gave Adrian a look. “Y’know,” she began, “Ponies are pretty… adventuresome. Wanna taste the rainbow?”
Adrian’s eyes grew to the size of saucers. “I-I-I- um, w-well, I’d really love t-to, but I’m no-not sure th-that’s a g-good idea…”
Rainbow frowned. “Well why not?”
Adrian scanned up and down the mare’s whole body. “Well, um, it’s because – it’s because you’re like twice my size.”
Brian butted in, “She’s eleven feet tall.”
“Eleven feet and three inches, mind you.”
Sayer looked torn between desperately wanting something and desperately fearing for his life. “And I’m only just five feet eight inches.”
“Speak for yourself; I’m all of five-five.”
“Don’t worry, it’ll work out fine. I’ve tested it myself.”
Dash blushed. Adrian recoiled. “Wait – What?”
Brian approached the couple. “You heard me, bartok. Humans and ponies are compatible in that way. I made sure of it myself. In fact, I was so concerned about this issue that I made sure to confirm it over nine thousand times with every single mare I could.”
Adrian looked to Rainbow. She blushed and gave him a look. He asked, “Seriously?”
“Konechno! The best part is that you can’t knock them up or get anything nasty from them.”
“But still, how do you not get crushed?”
“Simple,” answered Brian. “They’re all nice and soft-“
“Hey!” protested Rainbow.
Brian continued, not even acknowledging her. “So it’s kinda like pressing into a big pillow, or your mum.”
Adrian ignored the barb. “Well, the thing’s called My Little Pony. I didn’t think they’d be big – or anthros!”
“Well,” chuckled Brian, “Adrian, you finally get your wish of a fifty foot tall Rainbow Dash.”
“What!?”
“¡Ay dios mio!”
Rainbow Dash blinked. “Say that some more.”
“My Spanish?”
“Yeah, it totally sounds way sexy.” Adrian froze and looked helplessly at Brian.
The American locked eyes with the Spaniard and stated, “Sag was du willst.”
“¿Que? No lo entiendo..”
Rainbow grinned. “That’s it. Say more.”
Smirking, Brian walked off. “Well, I’ll leave you two alone,” he said.
Adrian continued to woo his pegasus with smooth, passionate Iberian words. As he and Rainbow began to touch more intimately, he supplied a steady stream of romantic phrases such as, “Nueva Zelanda fue uno de los últimos lugares de la Tierra en ser conquistado y colonizado.” and “El canibalismo es el acto o la práctica de alimentarse de miembros de la propia especie.”, and “The Economist es una publicación semanal británica escrita en inglés con sede en Londres, que trata sus temas desde el marco de lasrelaciones internacionales y la economía.” Things soon escalated further, but this story is too tasteless to even bother with clop.
Brian stepped into an empty house in Ponyville He picked up the telephone and dialed a number. After waiting for a few seconds, the other end picked up. “Eta ya,” he said.
The female voice on the other end said, “Koshka.”
He smiled a bit before talking. “Zajchik… Cassie, my operation worked. Sayer is in Equestria and I can hear him really getting into things here.”
“That’s good. So what’s next?”
“How would you like to come to Equestria?”
“Is that even possible?”
“It sure is, Zajchik.”
“Then take me, Brian.”
Brian grinned as he gave his reply. “Wait for your birthday and then I’ll take you – oh my.” And with that, he hung up. Everything had gone better than expected. Satisfied, he uncorked a bottle of rye whiskey and took a few deep swigs. He’d go down to the whorehouse later to celebrate finally getting his friend into Equestria. Not bad for a day that began with a kidnapping.
Author's Note
There you have it, folks, my first ever attempt at writing comedy and a crackfic. I apologize if the story is shit This is what happens when I drink at 2A.M. Please don't kill me. Was it at least funny?
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