XCOM: Enemy Unthreatening

by Eakin

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Human
Length: 9274

Doctor Moira Vahlen learns that the same invaders that tried to ravage Earth have tried to invade Equestria as well. Ineptly.

After fighting off the alien fleet that menaced Earth, XCOM turns their focus to warning other worlds of the possible threat. When Doctor Moira Vahlen is accidentally sent to one of those worlds, she learns that the the invaders have attacked Equestria. Who will protect them from the horrors they're about to face?

Sorry, I should clarify that last bit. Who will protect the aliens from what they've just gotten themselves into?

Published 2013-08-09 21:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-09 21:10:02 UTC

XCOM: Enemy Unthreatening

Today was not the worst day of Doctor Moira Vahlen's life. Then again, that was an exquisitely high bar for any twenty-four hour period to clear, and it was only ten in the morning so far.

Or at least it had been ten in the morning back in the lab buried deep under the Cheyanne mountain range, where XCOM's central headquarters were housed. The project's future was in doubt, a victim of its own success in repelling the horrific alien invasion that had left a billion dead or missing before one brave volunteer had driven the alien temple ship into space, lest its destruction cause even further devastation to the Earth. In those last seconds, the psychic had sent a final message gleaned from the living heart of the ship itself.

There were others. Other fleets like this one, and other worlds in their crosshairs.

So began a great debate after the initial thrill of victory faded all too quickly. Should XCOM remain a purely defensive organization, ever vigilant against the aliens' possible return? Or should they seek out those other worlds, warn the inhabitants of the threats lurking amongst the stars, and perhaps even ally together with them against their mutual enemy?

Even amongst XCOM command opinions differed. Commander Bradford leaned toward isolationism, reasoning that just because they had been lucky once was no reason for humanity to go out looking for hornet nests to kick. But his curiosity had been piqued when Charles Shen, lead of their engineering division, revealed that his message had come with an extra bonus: plans for a device that would allow Earth to contact and communicate with those other worlds. Bradford grudgingly gave his approval to the device's construction, and work was soon underway. Even with XCOM's legendary efficiency, expertise, and facilities the construction had taken nearly three weeks.

Today had been the morning that Moira was helping with the initial diagnostics. The device wasn't even functional yet, or so they'd believed. So it had seemed like a perfectly defensible choice to stand inside of it and help check for loose connection between the central control console and the power supply. It turned out there weren't any. In fact, the unintended initial test run for the machine had gone horribly right.

She shook a few strands of auburn hair out of her face and stood up on shakey legs in the middle of a smoldering crater as she stared at the equally-surpised quadruped standing before her underneath the wide open alien sky. Today was not the worst day of Doctor Moira Vahlen's life, she reflected, but it was definitely progressing in that direction.

Moira was well aware of the impact the next several seconds could have for her world. Assuming this equine-like... this diminutive quadruped... screw it, this little purple unicorn was intelligent, she was about to make first contact with a new species on behalf of the entire human race. Doctor Vahlen thanked her lucky stars (defined as any star that did not support life forms attempting to assimilate her species into some kind of psychic slave army) she had been working on a universal translation device earlier that day, and had slipped the prototype into the pocket of her lab coat with the intention of asking Shen to help her work out a few of the device's quirks.

"Hello," she said, in accented English, hoping her tone would carry the intended message. The device took time to set up, and she needed the unicorn at ease enough not to run off in the meantime.

The dispassionate xenobiologist within Moira took over, and she tried to draw some crude guesses about the creature from what little information she had. The pigmentation of the coat suggested that the creature saw in at least part of the visible spectrum, there were also markings on its haunches. Some kind of star burst pattern? Large eyes and the absence of sharp teeth suggested a herbivorous diet, so at least it probably didn't want to eat her. The way it was standing frozen there suggested non-aggression. All in all, mostly positive signs.

"I come in-"

Maybe it was the after effects of being flung across the universe. Maybe it was Moira's nerves making her legs wobbly. Maybe it was just a really, really bad moment to shift her weight onto a loose rock. Whatever the reason, Doctor Vahlen felt her balance abandon her and she lurched forward, towards the unicorn. It gasped, and despite how quickly everything was happening Moira had time to notice a strange glowing energy appear around the creature's horn. She pitched forward and fell over the unicorn, and the instant the horn pressed into her side she felt an incredible surge of pain. Then everything went black and she felt nothing.

Doctor Vahlen woke up, which she frankly hadn't expected to, and found herself in a large bed. A moment later her headache asserted itself in full force, like the worst hangover she'd had since, well, since the party three weeks ago celebrating the aliens' demise. She was alone in the room, or at least appeared to be. No reason there shouldn't be invisible monsters watching her sleep, with her luck.

She took stock. She was still wearing her khakis and sweater with the XCOM logo on the front, but her lab coat was neatly folded and resting on a nearby chair. Now that she was out of a chilly underground laboratory, the sweater was overkill. She pulled it off over her head to uncover the blue tank top underneath, which bore the same symbol. Tossing the sweater aside, she rose from the bed and checked the pockets of her coat. Sure enough, the translator was still there. She held down the power button, and breathed a sigh of relief when the screen flicked to life. One possible disaster averted, at least.

Other than the bed and chair, the room was decorated with an eight point sun motif, the walls painted in whites and yellows. It was, she reflected, on a much larger scale than anything that the unicorn would require. Perhaps that creature had been some sort of pet, and she'd been found by its master? Or maybe... Moira shuddered, maybe this room had been created with her or another human in mind.

The previously comfortable room felt a great deal more sinister after that. Rather than doing nothing, a course of action the doctor never found particularly satisfying, Moira decided to see if the double doors on the other side of the room would open. That would decide the question of whether she was a guest or a prisoner.

She got halfway across the room before she slammed face first into the air. Stumbling backwards grasping her nose, Doctor Vahlen reached her other hand out to feel at the spot where she had impacted. It wasn't a rigid barrier, but the resistance against her hand quickly increased as she pushed harder and harder. She lowered her hand, then gave the air in front of her a sharp jab. As she did, the image of the room beyond jiggled and wavered before settling.

The setup she was in felt uncomfortably familiar. She greatly preferred being on the other side of transparent walls such as this one. Moira didn't have long to consider her predicament before the doors opened. In walked three of the creatures she had seen before. The small purple unicorn she recognized from her earlier encounter, but it was flanked by two other, much larger ones. One was bright and bore a mark much like the one repeated around the room, while other was dark and bore a mark in a crescent shape. Both had some sort of unusual energy projection that flowed behind them where the smaller one had hair. Any doubt Moira had that the creatures were intelligent vanished as the large white one spoke to the smaller one in a series of nickers and whinnies. The small one nodded and said something in return. Moira held the translation device up towards the conversation, hoping she had sufficiently debugged the software so it would be able to do a half-decent job extrapolating a language from the tiny sample she was feeding it. She needed to be able to plead her case before the two winged unicorns decided to take more invasive measures. Moira was far too familiar with that particular approach to wonder what kind of effect it would have on her.

While the machine processed what little data it had to work with, Moira wondered what the nature of the relationship between these three was. The size difference and lack of wings in the small unicorn led her to believe it was an immature specimen, perhaps these two were its parents? Moira felt a fresh surge of desperation as she imagined the nature of their conversation.

"Is this the monster that attacked you earlier, sweetheart?"

"Yes, father, it was awful. It just appeared in front of me and tried to leap onto me while I was too scared to run away."

"Don't worry, your mother and I will make sure it doesn't hurt you or anyone else ever again."

Her paranoia flew into overdrive as the larger one's horn began to glow the same way the purple one's had before it had electrocuted her, or whatever it had done exactly. The glow was a different color, but Moira felt a tingling sensation across her skin as it flowed towards her, unimpeded by whatever was keeping her from escaping, and enveloped her body. There was no more time to wait. Moira grabbed the translator and pulled the microphone to her mouth. "Wait! I am from a world called Earth and mean you no harm! What happened with your child was just a misunderstanding."

The device processed this, and a stream of those same sounds the creatures had made flowed from the little speaker. The ears (she assumed) on top of their heads perked up at the sound, and the darkest one raised an eyebrow. They said a few more words to one another then nodded as they came to some agreement. Turning away from her, the door opened once again and they left the room. Moira collapsed to her knees, panting as the surge of useless adrenaline that was hitting her left her shaken and unable to adequately process what had just transpired. She could only pray her translation had been correct. For all she knew, the machine had just confessed her intent to kill and eat their young. Still, for the moment she was alive and safe from her alien tormentors.

A moment earlier, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, and Princess Celestia were walking down the hallway towards Celestia's bedchamber. "Thank you for letting me put it in your room, Princess. I just wish I had been quicker, I might have managed to catch it before it landed on my horn."

"It's no trouble, Twilight, although the barrier may have been overkill," said Celestia.

"I disagree," said Luna, "if this is indeed a new species it may carry parasites or diseases from its place of origin. Quarantine makes sense."

"I suppose, I just worry it sends the wrong first impression. Well, I'm sure once we explain our concerns and reasoning it will understand. It tried to speak to you before it fell over?"

"I think so," said Twilight. She pushed open the doors to the bedroom and was surprised to see the creature standing at the edge of the barrier, feeling at it.

"It's awake? You said that it took the full force of your disrupted spell?"

Twilight nodded. "Yes, Princess, and it wasn't a little one. I guess it's pretty resilient."

"Indeed. Then I suppose we should get the scan for anything harmful out of the way," she said. She looked over at the creature which was holding out some strange gadget towards them. An offering of some kind? Celestia's horn shone with a golden light as she began her spell. As the energy that would check it for anything it might harbor that could harm ponykind covered its skin, it drew back in alarm. What a curious reaction to such a simple spell. It must not be exposed to magic regularly. Suddenly it pulled part of its device towards its mouth and started to make an odd series of grunts and squeaks at them. The device hummed to life and began speaking in stilted, oddly accented Equestrian.

"Greeting! I am dirt. Take me to your eggplant."

Luna raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Take it to our eggplant?"

Twilight frowned. "Oh dear, I hope my magic didn't cause any brain damage."

Celestia, on the other hoof, barely suppressed a smile. "It sounds like the creature is simply hungry. Why don't we ask our chefs to prepare several eggplant dishes and have it join us for a meal, say in a half an hour?"

The three ponies nodded to one another and left the room. "Oh, I almost forgot," said Twilight as her horn glimmered and the barrier was dismissed. "Princess, shouldn't we cast a translation spell over it so we can understand one another?"

"Perhaps... later," said Celestia, "it didn't like when I used my magic before, I'd rather wait until it's comfortable with the idea. Just make sure the guards bring the device down along with it. I'm sure we'll have the most fascinating of conversations."

Moira didn't test the barrier again. After all, her jailers might be aware if she did. Instead she checked herself thoroughly for any sort of burns or signs of radiation exposure, but found none. The field hadn't caused her any pain this time, but that could be interpreted as evidence she had suffered nerve damage from the initial exposure. Roughly twenty minutes later, by her best estimation, there was a cursory knock on the door and two more of the creatures pushed it open. They were both the same grey color, and clad in metal plating, the first evidence Moira had seen of any sort of clothing at all. The identical colors of the two of them, in addition to the outfits that seemed to indicate some sort of military function, reminded her of nothing so much as the Sectoid grunts who the alien higher-ups had cloned in batches from a single genetic template for their nefarious purposes. One of them motioned with his head for her to follow them, and when Moira was slow to comply it walked into the room and lifted her translator up in its mouth.

"Hey! Leave that alone!" she cried as she lunged for the device. It was her only lifeline in this bizarre place, and she wasn't going to have it taken from her without a fight. The translator squeaked and the guard's jaw dropped, dropping the machine to the floor. They both backed away slowly, eyeing her cautiously. One of them gestured with a tilt of his head and left, while the other glanced at his weapon in a way Moira wasn't comfortable with. She picked up the translator and allowed them to lead her away down the halls.

The hallways were beautiful, totally unlike the aesthetic of the invaders which soldiers had reported being sinister and utilitarian, even inside the larger crafts. Nobody had ever reported anything resembling art or culture. Here, though, was an abundance. Murals and tapestries. Sculptures and portraits of more of the strange horse-like creatures. Some had horns, some wings, and some neither. None of the creatures depicted had both, though, other than the two she had seen earlier.

The thick carpets felt reassuring underfoot. It was only halfway to wherever she was being led that Moira realized she was wearing stockings without shoes. She must have lost them when she fell unconscious or left them in the room. Either way, she didn't expect she'd be seeing them again. One less asset she'd have if she needed to escape. At the end of the hallway stood an imposing pair of double doors. Noting that neither of her escorts possessed the horn structures that appeared to be the source of the inexplicable abilities, she considered attempting escape now. Those wings had looked functional, though, and she'd hardly be able to blend with an indigenous population of these things. For all she knew they operated as some sort of hive mind, although the presence of a spoken language made that less probable.

Proving that no decision was a decision, Moira allowed the guards to open the doors and guide her through. They led to some sort of dining chamber, where the two large winged-and-horned specimens were seated on lacy cushions. There was another pile, presumably for her. At least they seemed to want to eat with her rather that just eating her.

When her nose caught the smell wafting from the table, she almost wished they did eat human flesh. It was eggplant, eight different varieties of the stuff. The same vegetable her most hated aunt had grown in her garden, and served to them every time a young Moira had been forced to visit with her parents and brother. Auntie Catherine would roast the life out of the damned things, cut them open, and plop the bitter, fleshy goop onto a plate unseasoned. Then she'd force Moira to eat it, claiming it was brain food.

After the dinner where a nine-year-old Moira had snootily informed her aunt that the only way her eggplant was brain food was that it somewhat resembled a raw human brain in color and texture, she had been excused from attending future visits to Auntie Catherine's home.

Moira had tried the vegetable again on numerous occasions, prepared properly this time, but the childhood revulsion had stayed with her. Now her life might hang on her eating and pretending to enjoy the damned things. The guards said something and the translator sprang to life. "Are you sure you want to eat her? She is advanced." he asked. The darker one snickered at the comment while the big white one nodded her head and beckoned to Moira with a hoof, who gulped and sat on the offered cushions. She placed the device in the middle of the table where it could pick up sound from all three parties at the table.

"I come in peace," said Moira, feeling like an idiot as she fell back on the cliche. The translator processed this and then chattered away to them.

The large one smiled and held up the knife she had been slicing her own portion with. She leaned over the translator and spoke into it. "I'll cut you with my knife," it repeated. Moira was on the edge of bolting from her seat while the second, darker creature drove the flat of its hoof between its eyes and shook its head.

"Please don't," whimpered Moira. She shied away as best she could as the large one with the knife stood and walked towards her. Her life flashed before her eyes. She had imagined many ways she might be killed while she'd dissected and interrogated a bevy of species that had raised murder to an art form. 'Sliced apart by a unicorn with a butter knife' hadn't been on the list.

Just when Moira was about to make a break for it, the dark creature bellowed and let loose with a blast of magic. Before the translator could work, the magic struck her.

Before Moira entered the dining room, Luna glanced across the table and the feast prepared there. "Really, Tia, this much food could feed a dozen ponies. Is this necessary?"

"Well, we have no idea what kind of appetite she has. Just that she likes eggplant," said Celestia, a twinkle in her eye.

"It's a 'she' now, is it?"

Before Celestia could reply, the doors opened and a pair of guards led the human into the room. "Are you certain you want to dine with the prisoner? When we tried to take her machine, she made a number of lewd and bizarre advances on us," said the guard. Luna chuckled while Celestia nodded and beckoned her over.

The human slowly walked over and sat down in the vacant seat in front of a plate stacked high with eggplant. She placed the device she'd brought with her in the center of the table and spoke into it. "I prefer it in pieces," it said.

Celestia brandished her knife. "Here, let me cut them up for you." As she advanced on their guest, the human whimpered and tried to back away from her. Luna shoved her hoof up into her face; how could Celestia not realize that the translations weren't accurate?

The humans plaintive moans were translated by the little machine as "Please do!" as Celestia advanced. It was so at odds with the creature's body language that Luna decided that her sister wasn't being oblivious, just willfully annoying.

"Enough!" shouted Luna. She summoned her magic and blasted the human with a burst of power, which crackled around her before fading quickly. "My apologies for my sister's quirks," she said. "I am Princess Luna, and this is Princess Celestia. We are joint rulers of this land, known as Equestria. And who might you be?"

Moira's head snapped up from where she was cringing. She looked at the being she now knew was Celestia innocently cutting up her food into bite-sized pieces, then over to Luna. "Wait, you speak English?" she asked.

"We do not," replied Luna. "Nor do you speak Equestrian. However, thanks to our translation magic, we will all hear the language we are most comfortable with."

"There's no such thing as magic," objected Moira, clinging to the last shred of rationality she could find.

"Oh come now, next you'll be telling us that unicorns aren't real either," said Celestia. "Speaking of which, Twilight Sparkle says hello. She wanted to join us but I thought it would be better if we spoke privately." The Princess speared a few pieces of eggplant on a fork and held it out to Moira, who briefly tried to determine what the odds were that the plant's biochemistry would be compatible in any way with her digestive track before giving up and biting down on it. Against all odds, it tasted exactly like Earth eggplants, much to Moira's disgust. She grimaced and forced herself to swallow.

"My name is Doctor Moira Vahlen. I'm a scientist back where I come from, and I’m sorry but I simply cannot accept ‘magic’ as an explanation for such a feat.”

Luna scoffed. “Think of it as a science that you have not yet studied then.” Moira considered pressing the issue, but given her current situation that seemed like it might be a poor choice. Still, magic? Ridiculous. They had some sort of ability though, that was certain. She marked it down in her mind as a potential area for future inquiry in a controlled setting. After all, a year ago she would have said the same thing about psychic abilities.

"So now that we've cleared all of that up..." said Celestia. Moira was still reeling as she wrapped her head around the idea of flawless English being spoken by what was, in most respects, a large horse. She found the way the sound didn't quite match the movement of Celestia's lips subtly off putting as well. "...why don't you tell us why you've come to Equestria today, Doctor Moira Vahlen?"

Feeling all the eyes in the room fixed on her, Moira did her best to clear her mind. She'd been thrown for a loop by this whole fixation on 'magic' and the Princess' somewhat whimsical nature, but she had to remain focused on the reason the device she'd accidentally used to travel here had been designed. While this species seemed trusting and innocent, that wouldn't deter the aliens. "Very well Princess Celestia, Princess Luna. While the method of my arrival was accidental, my people planned to eventually reach out to your world and likely many others as well. You see, we were attacked, unprovoked, by a powerful army that came from deep space. It nearly wiped us out. In the end it was only by turning their own weapons and technology against them that we triumphed, at great cost. Some of the information we obtained, and again we aren't certain of this, suggests that they might try to come for your world as well." Privately, Moira was positive that if the aliens knew about Equestria, they would target it and attempt to acquire such unique abilities for themselves. She feared what such powers could do in their hands, claws, and telekinetic fields.

Princess Luna and Princess Celestia shared a glance. "Oh my," said Luna in a flat voice, "that certainly sounds serious." For her part, Celestia was looking down at her plate and focusing intently on moving the curried eggplant around on her plate with her suspended fork.

With a frown and a furrowed brow, Moira wondered if it was simply a quirk of this translation 'magic' that was keeping the urgency and concern from her tone. Alternatively, perhaps these rulers were simply tyrants who believed they were above concern for their populace. "I am not sure I am making myself clear. These are, perhaps, some of the most dangerous and powerful creatures in existence."

Celestia's fork clattered to her plate as she began hacking and coughing. Moira's blood ran cold. Was she choking? The doctor had no desire to be anywhere nearby if harm came to one of these two, lest she end up taking the blame. But the Princess' rhythmic gasping continued. It didn't sound like she was choking, more like she was... was she laughing? "Tia! Compose yourself. Doctor Moira Vahlen has come a great distance to warn us about the dire threat Equestria faces from the scary floating cloak monsters," said Luna, glaring at her sister. Her composure held for a few seconds longer before the corners of her mouth began to twitch and pull upward, until she broke entirely and began to giggle, her meal forgotten.

Moira looked at her two dining companions, confused. Wait, she had never described the Ethereals to either of the two. "You know of them?"

Celestia recovered from her laughing fit first, wiping a tear from her eye with a hoof. As the final guffaws died down she gently placed the hoof over Moira's hand. Despite the gentleness of the touch, she could tell that unshod limb was as hard as any metal. "Moira, may I call you Moira? It speaks well of your people that you would work so hard to warn others of the monsters that caused you such suffering. In this case, though, it was unnecessary. The invasion you speak of was six months ago."

Moira leapt to her feet, knocking her chair to the floor. Oh no. She was too late, and now she'd delivered herself straight into the enemy's clutches. If they interrogated her who knew how many of XCOM's secrets they would tear from her mind? It was imperative they not take her alive. She grabbed for her knife, only to find it locked in a field of dark blue energy. "Calm yourself, Doctor," said Luna. "The invasion was repelled successfully."

"You defeated the alien fleet?" asked Moira. Even with all she'd seen, it was a difficult claim to accept. "But you seem, and forgive me for saying so, rather blasé about the damage they must have done. Did they not do harm to your subjects?"

Celestia and Luna looked between one another, and Luna made a motion with her shoulders that Moira translated as a shrug. "Well, we did have to cancel the Royal Midsummer Pool Party. That was a nuisance."

"When the aliens attacked my world, they bombarded entire cities. They didn't try that on yours?"

"Oh, they did," confirmed Celestia. "They descended from the skies, and the first city they encountered was an airborne metropolis called Cloudsdale. Let me tell you how that played out..."

It was a busy but peaceful day like any other in the skies above Cloudsdale. Pegasi flitted from place to place delivering packages, chatting with neighbors and merchants, and doing their utmost to support the weather making industry that served as their primary export. Nopony expected anything out of the ordinary.

Then they came.

The trio of flying saucers decloaked above the streets, and ponies stared upwards as the slowly floated towards three different districts of the city. Over the central marketplace, the first lowered itself to just a few meters above the surface. The ponies below cautiously backed away from it as seams appeared in the underside of the bulging disc. The seams widened and four ramps lowered, a half dozen monstrous and hulking creatures perched on each one. They were the Mutons, and among the alien ground forces they were the elite of the elite. Any one of them was worth hundreds of the best warriors from other worlds, and their thick, heavy armor made them both intimidating and invulnerable against nearly any weapon. If anything, twenty-four of them were overkill against a single city; a decisive first strike that would cripple any resistance a populace might offer so the rest of their forces could harvest the ponies at their leisure. It was a simple plan, but one they had employed to conquer species after species for their masters. On some unheard signal, the four squads leapt from the ramps to the road below in unison.

They passed directly through the clouds that made up Cloudsdale's primary construction material, plummeting towards Equestria's surface below. Their shocked bellows rang out the entire way down.

A few curious ponies, not entirely sure what to make of what had just transpired in front of them, looked to their neighbors for guidance. Finding none, they went about their business as if nothing had happened while the now-empty flying saucer hovered in the sky. It was later towed to a chariot impound lot.

The second saucer floated above a residential quadrant and began to spew forth a toxic green gas, a potent cocktail of neurotoxins and the most corrosive poisons gathered from across the galaxy. The green haze drifted down towards the playground where young foals were frolicking, blissfully unaware of the doom lurking overhead. The mares and stallions supervising them caught the first sulpherous whiff of the fumes, and wrongly assumed it to be some sort of weather-related byproduct that somepony had spilled. With effortless coordination the adults flapped their wings and created a billowing gust that blew the gas back up towards what they believed to be a tank, the better for the unlucky pony who had caused the accident to gather it back up. The gas formed a thick cloud around the UFO, and began to do exactly what it was designed to do. The alloys the ship was constructed from were the pinnacle of the aliens' material science, but it turned out their chemical engineers were better. The hull sloughed away and the instruments melted with them, leaving the crew of the ship blind and panicked.

The craft, desperate to escape the effects of their own weaponry, bobbed and weaved out of the gas. Without sensors, they collided with a nearby rainbow factory, tearing through the wall and bursting one of the storage tanks. Spectra poured out over the ship, covering its once-imposing surface in a coating of liquid rainbow. Sensing defeat, the ship recloaked and flew off. The attempt to escape unnoticed was somewhat hindered by the rainbow contrail left in its wake.

The final invasion craft, seeing the failures of its brethren, would not go down so easily. Targeting the weather production facility, hatches atop the ship opened up and a stream of monstrous creatures poured out. Equal parts mechanical and organic, the freakish monstrosities hovered on a continuous stream of exhaust spewing from the jet packs integrated directly into their backs. They had conquered gravity, at great personal cost, and now they would conquer Equestria.

Taking off from the ship, the Floaters opened fire on the plant. The plasma bolts ripped holes in the walls, devastating everything they struck. The ponies had the good fortune to have used a light and nonflammable building material, so the building remained fairly intact, but the holes did give the attackers a point of ingress into the facility. The airborne squadron flew into one of the weather factory's central chambers: the lightning manufacturing room. Seeing an opportunity to cripple the enemy operation, the Floaters charged forth into the stormy room. A very confused group of pegasi stopped production to gawk up at them. Screaming out in triumph, the lead alien swooped down at one of them to claim its bloody prize.

Fifteen seconds later they learned an abrupt lesson on the dangers of mixing cybernetic implants, jet fuel, and lightning in an enclosed space. One of the Floaters brushed against a storm cloud and the resulting blast from the electrically-charged cloud traveled straight down the creature's metal-sheathed synapses into its primary fuel tank, resulting in a spectacular explosion. The electricity, now freed from containment within the cloud, chained through two more in its path to a lightning rod at the edge of the room, where it was grounded out. Of those Floaters, one was lucky enough to be killed instantly while the other lost control over the thrusters embedded in its abdomen and careened into another, knocking them both into yet another pile of cumulonimbus. The factory workers looked on in horror as their days work exploded into a sphere of electric death around the attackers, until all that was left of them were husks of white-hot metal and cooked meat that went falling through the floor below.

Outside, the UFO pilot realized it had lost contact with its aerial troops and flew away, making a beeline for the mountain range in the distance.

"...and the aftermath of their invasion was simply atrocious," finished Celestia, "so much paperwork, and the spat over who should pay for the cleanup of the remains that landed below the city went on for weeks."

"What about the ships that escaped?" asked Moira.

"Oh, yes. Well, it turned out those mountains they tried to retreat to had recently been claimed as the domain of a particularly unpleasant dragon," said Luna.

Moira stared at her for several seconds. "Did you just say 'dragon?'"

"You know, the fifty meter high, thousand-ton, fire breathing killing machines? Do you not have those? Very territorial and, turns out, not easily fooled by cloaking. Glad we found out he was there when we did, actually. Tia ended up having to go run him out of his new lair herself."

"I didn't mind," Celestia chimed in. "It was a fun jaunt, and I always enjoy a chance to get out of the city for a few days. Make a vacation of it, you know?" A goblet of wine floated in Celestia's magic as she sipped from it, giving Moira ample opportunity to imagine how powerful her dining companion would have to be if she could scare off a creature that took down two alien ships by itself.

"In our case, the invaders spread fear by systematically targeting political leaders. Didn't you fear for your own safety? Did they ever come after you directly?" asked Moira.

Celestia grinned. "Oh, that was a fun afternoon..."

Celestia slid almost imperceptibly lower on her throne as the representative from Trottingham's very, very, detailed breakdown on how the potato subsidy his region received was a disproportionately lower part of the agricultural budget than the corn subsidy offered to the oh by the light who even cared passed the thirty minute mark. There was no sign that he was anywhere near stopping. What would happen, wondered Celestia, if I stood up right now and declared that potatoes were now forbidden in Equestria? Would I miss them? Probably not all that much. Wait, no, that one cook started making them into those greasy, salty chips a few decades ago. But what if I-

Her ears perked up as a new sound underneath the tones of the droning bureaucrat snapped her out of her fantasy. Over the next several seconds it grew louder, and Celestia's eyes widened in alarm. "Guards! To me!" she shouted, the ever-alert royal guards didn't hesitate for an instant before surrounding the dais. They were still readying their weapons when the throne room doors were blown off their hinges. The thick metal doors went flying, one of them wrapping itself around a marble pillar just inches from a duke's head, while the other slid along the ground tripping a half dozen ponies who didn't move out of the way in time. As the dust settled, Celestia could just make out a massive shape in the gloom. It bellowed, sending the other ponies of the the court running, and charged straight for the throne.

It moved quickly, and the defenders had only instants to observe it as it closed on them. Its face was covered in a crimson helmet that matched the rest of its patchwork armor, leaving the throbbing muscles of its limbs exposed. At the ends of its forelegs were a pair of brutal gloves with three long blades protruding from each. With each step the edges of its boots tore at the carpet underhoof, and tore deep gashes into the stonework beneath it. The power behind the strike that had torn through the door was self evident, and now the thing was coming for her like a runaway freight train. Nopony could hope to stand in its way.

Celestia's horn glowed, and she lifted the beast six inches off the ground.

Deprived of leverage, the once imposing beast slow to a midair halt. It flailed against nothing, impotently trying to propel itself forwards. "Hmm," said Celestia, examining it from just outside of its reach, "this one doesn't seem to have any ranged attacks."

The monster's shouts of rage echoed around the room as Celestia lifted it further off the ground. She was confident that she could keep it suspended indefinitely, or as long as it would take the guards to round up the archmagi it would take to create a sufficiently powerful vessel to hold it. That could be hours, though, and she still had court business to conclude today. She cast a sound dampening spell over the alien which suppressed the howling enough that, while it was still noticeable, it no longer completely drowned out other conversation. "Let's continue, please," declared Celestia loudly enough to be understood easily over the cacophony of voices from alien and ponies alike, "this being is contained for the time being. Now if the representative from Trottingham would please come forward and continue what he was saying about potatoes?"

"You want me to stand underneath that... that thing and talk about potato subsidies?" asked the horrified representative.

Celestia blinked in surprise. "Well, yes, since the situation is stable-"

"I cede the floor."

Celestia thought for a long moment. "Commander," she said leaning towards the most senior ranking guard at hoof, "please head over to the university and collect the heads of all the departments that may be needed for an appropriate binding spell to contain this creature. No need to rush them, though, I'm sure they're busy ponies and I have everything here under control."

"Yes, Princess," said the guard. He gave her a sharp, lingering salute and trotted off at a casual pace, his orders clear. He'd always been a sharp one, promoting him had been one of her better decisions these last few years.

The Princess' horn shimmered again as she summoned a particular file from her office to herself, a pitch black file. It was a repository of all the worst petitions she received, full to bursting with suggestions too stupid to consider from ponies with too much influence to ignore entirely. On a good day, she could put up with hearing two or three of them before she lost her patience. Maybe a fourth if she was certain there would be cake after dinner waiting for her. Today, though, would be different. She pulled the oldest request from the file folder, and checked the name of the petitioner. "Prince Blueblood?"

The Prince stepped forward, his eyes never leaving the beast above. It was nearly close enough to lunge for him and grab his horn in those massive paws. "Y-yes auntie?" He asked, gulping to steady his nerves.

"I apologize for taking so long to get around to addressing your request for..." she scanned the page, "...for statues of yourself be added to every street corner in Canterlot. I'm ready to hear your argument now."

"It, ah, it has to be right now? Not, say, first thing tomorrow?" asked Blueblood as the settling dust marred his perfectly white coat.

"Are you unprepared to discuss the issue?" she asked, feigning surprise. "I would be shocked, since the request was put in eight months ago and marked 'Extremely Urgent.'"

"I'm not, uh, unprepared exactly. It's just I'm not sure my appeal would be, you understand, at its full magnificence with that creature's attack so fresh in all our minds."

"Nonsense!" said Celestia, stomping her hoof for emphasis. "I have it thoroughly handled, and you've waited long enough to be heard. You'll be perfectly safe. Unless I slip. Or nod off due to boredom. Or sneeze." Celestia sniffled theatrically. "But I'm sure those are unlikely. I insist, present your case."

"Uh," said Blueblood. The alien lashed a fist out towards him, coming within a few inches of his face. "At this juncture, I would like to withdraw my request for an audience."

"Are you sure, Prince? I'd hate for you to feel I wasn't making time for the concerns of a pony of your stature. While we're here, why don't we address some of your other requests instead then?" asked Celestia. She began to rifle through her folder, pulling out several other papers.

"I withdraw those as well. All of them," said Blueblood, backing away with his ears pinned flat against his head. A few more steps and he could lose himself in the crowd, or even better flee the palace entirely.

"All eleven?" Celestia raised an eyebrow, not quite believing that she was getting away with this. "Why Prince, with the backlog the way it is now it may be month before you're next able to... oh, it seems he's run off. Perhaps he has something else to attend to. Let's see who's next." She looked out across the throne room at the nobles who had backed themselves as far away from the creature wrapped up in her glowing magic, which had somehow managed to invert itself with its spastic thrashing and was floating upside down. That only made it angrier. "Ah, Lord Glimmer. This seems like an excellent time to discuss why you feel I should dye my coat pink before making an appearance at the Saddle River Cherry Blossom Festival..."

"You held court with a Berserker that had just tried to assassinate you suspended over your constituents' heads?" asked Moira.

Celestia nodded cheerfully. "Is that what you call them, Berserkers? The pegasus expert I brought in to rehabilitate him calls him Mister Screamy. Last I heard she was making excellent progress with him." She looked wistfully into the distance. "We made a great team, Mister Screamy and I. Cleared out eight months of terrible proposals in three hours."

"For your sake, I am happy that you've been able to respond to alien incursions. What about a counteroffensive? Perhaps the aliens are adapting to your tactics and preparing a second wave. Have you destroyed their command vessel?" asked Moira. Her hated eggplant had grown cold, and she was happy to have an excuse to hand the plate to Celestia who added the uneaten portion to her own.

"Are all humans as pessimistic as yourself?" asked Luna, a somewhat annoyed eyebrow raised. "To answer your question..."

Five nights after the attack on Cloudsdale, Luna stared up at her sky. At her request, the clouds had been cleared away within fifty miles of the capital, the better to see what she was doing. A tiny imperfection in the way the stars were set drew her eye, then another, then another, until she felt reasonably confident she could discern the entire outline of the gigantic mothership overhead. She turned her head ever so slightly as she glanced over at her moon, hanging just above the horizon.

Luna's horn flickered, and the moon shifted just a few degrees off its familiar course. As she added more power, it began to pick up speed until it was hurtling in the direction of-

"Stop," said Doctor Vahlen. "Just stop the story right there, because I see where you're going with this. Let me see if I'm understanding this correctly. You were able to see a temple ship with the naked eye?"

"That is correct," Luna confirmed.

"And once you had, in order to end the alien invasion you threw a moon at them?" asked Moira. She felt a small twitch forming at the corner of her eye.

"That is correct as well. Would you like any more eggplant?" asked Luna.

"Did that work? Was it destroyed?" asked Moira, ignoring the question.

"Luckily, no, although it did acquire a few additional craters around... Oh! You must mean the ship. Yes, it exploded rather spectacularly. A magnificent display if I do say so myself," said Luna.

Moira sat back in her chair, dumbfounded by everything she had learned over the last few hours. If any of it was true, humanity was even more outclassed than she had believed. That's why she almost couldn't believe what Celestia said next.

"I do hope that our two worlds can be friends."

"I... I think that would be best for all parties involved," said Moira cautiously. "I can't claim to speak for all the leaders of my planet, but I'm sure that they would prefer us to be on friendly terms."

"Splendid!" declared Celestia. "Of course I don't expect you to speak for your entire world. Have you even united under a species-wide government yet?"

"We're working out the kinks," she replied.

"Oh, you fledgling interplanetary civilizations are just so adorable!" declared Luna. "You're all awkward, none of your old social paradigms quite fit after your philosophical and ideological growth spurt, and you start noticing other planetary bodies in exciting new ways. I just can't wait to come and visit!"

"Visit?" repeated Moira with horror.

Celestia must have noticed her concern. "Not unannounced, I assure you. I'm sure you'd like to take some time to make your world presentable again. Perhaps in, say, three months? We'll hammer out the details in the weeks to come." She placed her silverware on her plate and gave a contented sigh. "Well, that was an excellent meal, wasn't it? But now I'm afraid my sister and I have other business to attend to, and I'm sure you're ready to return home as well."

Moira bowed her head a little. Even with the power these creatures possessed, she doubted she knew enough to recreate the device that had sent her here. "I'm afraid I don't know exactly how to do that, Princess. I only got here by accident."

"No worries," said Luna. "I know exactly where to send you."

Before Moira could fully appreciate the implications of that statement, the two Princesses rose from the table and turned towards a door nearby. She couldn't be absolutely sure, of course, but Moira would have sworn that it hadn't been there when she walked in. "Before you go, one more thing," said Celestia. She whistled, and one of the palace guards pushed open the gold-inscribed door and walked in carrying a basket. In it was a wrapped present that wouldn't have been out of place under Moira's childhood Christmas tree on Earth, seated in a bed of the most massive jewels she had ever laid eyes on. Emeralds, sapphires, rubies, even the smallest of them larger than a man's clenched fist. Any one of them would have sold on the open market for enough to power XCOM for a month.

"Princess, please, this is far too generous. I cannot accept a gift of such value," said Moira before considering that her polite refusal might easily spark a war. There was a very good reason she had once been told she would be a poor candidate for the diplomatic corps so many years before. The lab always had been a better fit for her.

Luckily, Princess Celestia took the comment in the spirit it was intended. "Nonsense, it's just a little 'Welcome to the Neighborhood' present. The gems are plentiful here, and the contents of the box... Well, I wouldn't want to spoil the surprise but I think it's something you and your people will very much enjoy."

Moira stared at the box, trussed up in what seemed to be cheap wrapping paper. She was all too aware that in this place appearances were deceiving. "Thank you, Princesses. I cannot tell you how much it will mean to my people to have contact with a friendly intelligent species." Assuming that's what you really are, she kept to herself. Something occurred to her as she was led into a new chamber, one with intricate runes and designs inscribed in a large circle around the floor. Clutching her basket of gifts, she stepped into the middle of the floor. "What a shame," she said, choosing her words cautiously, "that we didn't encounter you sooner. Your aid against the invaders would have been invaluable."

"Perhaps," said Celestia, her face carefully neutral. "Oh the other hoof, if we had made contact with you, even offered you overt assistance, the atmosphere of paranoia and mistrust surrounding the invasion may well have poisoned our relations and even led to your rejecting us entirely. Even knowing what we do now, I'm not sure we'd choose to do anything differently."

That did not, in Moira's opinion, fully address her concerns. The possibility that these were some kind of alien fallback plan couldn't be ignored. Certainly a species this powerful could have helped somehow. "Are you ready to return home, Doctor Vahlen?" asked Luna. Moira nodded.

"We'll be in touch," said Celestia. Luna's horn began to glow and the mysterious energy Moira had felt before began to return. "Oh, and Moira?" she asked as the light grew. Celestia gave her an unabashed smile and a wink. "We will be watching."

Before Moira could reply, everything went white.

"Doctor Vahlen? Doctor Vahlen? Moira!" said a familiar voice in English. Not magically translated into English, the genuine article. She could somehow tell. Moira opened her eyes to find herself staring at the ceiling of the engineering workshop with a splitting headache and smelling faintly of burnt hair.

"What happened, Charles?" she asked as she slowly pushed herself up off the ground and sat still until the room stopped spinning.

"I'd hoped you would be able to tell me. The trans-dimensional relay activated with you inside it, you vanished for an hour, and there was just some kind of localized energy disturbance. When it resolved itself, here you were," said Doctor Shen. "Commander Bradford will want to speak to you as soon as you're up to it."

"I had the most bizarre dream. I mean, it must have been a dream because there is no way I really saw what I thought I saw," said Doctor Vahlen.

"Do most of your dreams send you gift baskets when you wake up?"

Moira blinked several times, then looked in the direction Charles was pointing. Sure enough, sitting on a nearby table as if it had belonged there all along, was the big wicker basket full of gems topped with its mysterious package. On seeing it, the memories of everything that had just happened all came rushing back. "The ponies, Shen," growled Moira as she grabbed the lapels of his lab coat and pulled him close to ensure his full attention. "The ponies are coming, and we do not want to piss them off."

"Uh, okay..." he said. "Any idea what's in the box? I tried to tear the wrapping paper, even took some scissors to it, but it's too strong. The tag says it's for you." He held up the label attached to the box by a thin piece of string. To: Dr. Moira Vahlen. XOXOXO L+C.

"Don't touch it!" she shouted. "The relay sent me to another world, one populated by a species far more powerful than what we've faced up until now. They appear friendly, but whatever's in that box could well doom out entire world or deliver untold benefits to humanity. We cannot decide whether to open it on our own."

Charles looked down at the box with a new-found respect and slowly backed away from it. "I think we need to take this information to the Council."

Two days later, Moira stood alone in the middle of an empty room surrounded by metal plating rated to contain explosions of up to 150 pounds of TNT, staring at the box. The Council had quickly given XCOM authorization to open it, but a repurposed S.H.I.V. with a cutting torch had been unable to make the slightest mark on the 'wrapping paper' around it. Every form of imaging technology they tried showed the box as entirely opaque.

Then when she was carrying it to the lab, one of Moira's fingernails had accidentally ripped through the paper.

After the subsequent evacuation, all parties involved concluded that the tag was meant literally. The paper would tear for her and her alone. So she volunteered to open the box in a safe place, while the rest of the facility watched with bated breath.

"Whenever you're ready, Doctor," said Bradford from where he waited with Shen behind a pile of sandbags several feet thick. Moira appreciated the silent gesture of solidarity; they could have chosen to watch via closed cameras from behind blast doors. Privately, she doubted it would matter. Given what the Princesses had told her, if this was a trap designed to wipe them out then no shielding could hope to protect them.

Running a nail along one of the boy's seams, the previously impenetrable wrapping tore as if it weren't even there. She methodically removed the paper in strips and placed it aside for later analysis, until all that was left was a nondescript cardboard box. Her hands trembled as she pulled the cardboard tab out of the slit it was anchored to, and lifted the lid of the box.

An overpowering odor assailed her senses, and she turned away in disgust. It was worse than she had feared. "Doctor!" called Bradford, "are you alright?" Moira couldn't answer through her retching and dry heaves.

Once the biological sensor gave a green reading indicating no toxins inside the box, Charles rushed towards her. A few meters away, he stopped and gave the fumes emanating from the box a few experimental sniffs.

"What smells like eggplant?"

Author's Note

Special thanks to Arad, seeing as how Stardust is where I swiped the first names from. It's also a damn good story, and if you have any interest in XCOM:EU and ponies (which seems like a safe assumption, since you just read a crossover of those two things) you should go read it.