Princess Celestia is a Sex-Fueled Minigun

by Lord Destrustor

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia
Length: 10057

Title says it all, actually. The most powerful weapon in the equestrian arsenal is the princess of the sun herself, and she halts an invading army. In the weirdest way possible. Also, I'm a baffling imbecile.

Exactly what it says on the tin, people.

In Equestria's darkest hour, two unlikely heroes will show the world exactly why the princess of the sun is regarded as the highest figure of authority, why she is considered the most powerful being on the planet, and why she is so reluctant to show it.

Don't expect any of the following in this story: explanations, intelligence, my dignity.
Do expect, however: action, explosions, and a stunning display of my idiocy.

If anyone would like to suggest a better cover image or volunteer to create one, knock yourselves out.

Published 2013-08-11 02:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-30 21:59:31 UTC

Yeah with, like, bullets and stuff. Really.

The white princess turned from the stained-glass window, eyes closing with a pained expression. She brought a hoof to her face, pressing it on her forehead as she gritted her teeth lightly. After a short moment, her hoof slammed back on the white marble of the throne room, her face set in graceful determination.

The two royal statuesque stallions flanking the door turned to look at the source of the sudden sound, immediately startled by what they saw: a look of the hardest, grimmest resolution molding their ruler’s visage. Neither of them had ever seen the royal alicorn bearing such an expression; the look of power, of sheer tortured force of will enough to make them shiver slightly and almost take a step back.

The princess had made a decision, a choice from which there was no backing down. Whatever she had in mind would be both terrible and awe-inspiring, a deed to be remembered for millennia.

She opened her mouth to utter only a single order, her voice as full of power and dreadful determination as her expression:

“Go,” she said, “bring him to me. I will await on the ramparts.”

The guards’ eyes widened; they had been present when this horrifying, terrible option had been discussed between the royals and their trusted generals. They knew, more than anypony else, what was about to unfold.

And they trembled. They trembled as the princess trotted past them, they trembled while they followed her out of the room, they trembled when they went to carry on their orders. They would forever shake at night, twisting and turning at the memory of the terrible deed they were about to facilitate with their obedience, muttering “what have we done?” until they finally cried themselves to sleep.

The end was near.

I lounged in my workout chair, casually flexing my pecs. Being the first human to appear in Equestria had its perks, I had to admit.

After that crazy accident at the Laundromat landed me in the land of cartoon ponies, I basically became mankind’s ambassador by default. Well, after the weeks stuck with Twilight Sparkle while she basically wrote an entire thesis about me and everything I could tell her about Earth, that is. At least she cut me some slack when other dudes started to discover the dangers of forgetting whole lava lamps in your pockets.

Still, can’t say I’d have complained about this sweet position I found myself in; free food, free lodging, full access to the gym, pretty sweet life if you ask me. Plus I got to live in the freakin’ castle, too. That was the life, baby!

I dunno why the princess kept me here, really. Sure, she had the budget, I guess, and she also had the authority to do whatever the hell she wanted, money or not. I just thought she’d one day ask me to stop mooching and get my own place at least, but she didn’t seem all that bothered by me. Maybe she just liked to admire my sweet 'bod'. I mean, who wouldn’t? I was admittedly smokin’ hot, man. I saw those mares staring at me when I struck a pose.

Good to know my sex appeal transcends species. Not that I’d doubt it for a moment anyway. I mean, what kind of aspiring porn star has doubts about their own incredible sexiness?

It was at that moment that I was pulled out of my thoughts by a couple guards bursting into my room.

“Rod Lightning!” they yelled, synchronized like only royal guards could, “The princess demands to see you immediately! We will escort you to her at once!”

I was momentarily surprised to be called by my stage name, even though I am the one who introduced himself like this. Boy was I surprised when they took me seriously. It was only later that I learned that it was a fairly plausible name for the ponies, and that they had completely missed my joke at the time. Too late now, I guess. They knew me by that name and I didn’t bother telling them the embarrassing truth, they’d probably feel pretty gullible.

I got up, wondering what she wanted to see me for. Following the guards, my confusion increased when I saw that we weren’t headed for the throne room. Weird.

“Where are we going anyways, guys?”

“To the ramparts,” the one on the left said, “The situation is dire and the princess requires your assistance.”

They both shuddered for some reason. Whatever was going on was big. I didn’t know much about current news, seeing as I was often too busy with my workout routine to pay much attention –and besides, equestrian affairs were none of my business anyways-, but even I knew about the war.

From what I knew, a bunch of foreign dudes had decided they’d had enough of Equestria for some reason, and had begun kicking their asses hard or some shit. Meh. Not my problem.

Or so I thought. Although I wondered how the hell I could be of any use whatsoever.

We kept going through the halls.

The situation was grave indeed. The minotaurs, zebras and griffons had all decided to tag-team Equestria. Their innumerable forces had been overwhelming the ponies for weeks, slowly creeping closer and closer to the capital. Ponyville had fallen just two days ago, and they had been using it as a staging ground for their final assault. Diplomacy had failed, the elements of harmony had been captured, the crystal empire couldn’t offer any help as it, too, was under siege, and Princess Luna had yet to come back from her attempt to gather allies.

The princess had explained all this to me as we both watched the enemy horde milling about in the valley below. They were getting ready for their final push, loading their cannons and filling their airships with troops and bombs. Horns blared, their sounds echoing way up to our ears as we stood on the castle’s ramparts, surrounded by what little was left of the Equestrian army. The city would surely fall today.

“I really don’t see how I can help you, princess. I don’t see how I can help anyone, actually. I’m not a hero or even a soldier. I don’t know how to fight! I’m just-“

“A depraved individual willing to have intercourse in front of an audience? That is what a pornographic celebrity is, isn’t it?”

“Uuuh” I blushed a little. She was pretty much right, but still. Admitting that to royalty was kinda embarrassing nonetheless, especially when she said it in such a refined, sophisticated fashion.

“Well,” I began once my brain managed to recover enough to remember how words worked, “Kinda? I mean, I’m not really famous or anything but it sounds like something I’d be good at and would be an interesting career, I guess? … But, uh… what does that have to do with any of this?” I pointed at the enemy below, their airships beginning to rise.

Indistinct clouds of what I could only assume to be griffons rose with the ships, surrounding them in a dark haze. The sun had begun sinking towards the horizon, bathed in the huge clouds of smoke that the invading army left in their wake. The smoke tinted its light a deep, bloody orange even in the middle of the afternoon. Their horns kept wailing for the blood of the ponies, said ponies getting ready for their last stand around us.

The princess hung her head and sighed deeply, a small blush coming to her own cheeks as well.

“I have… a trump card,” she said, obviously trying to avoid having to look at me. “I can…” She chuckled a little, a slightly embarrassed sort of laugh that made her cheeks even redder as she continued: “I can literally pull victory out of my rear and turn this whole war around right this instant.”

I stared at her for a moment, before blurting out the most obvious question.

“Then why didn’t you use it sooner? As in, before most of your country got wiped out?”

She frowned, a very slight pout coming to her lips.

“Equestria is technically a kingdom. And as for your question, I… had a very powerful personal desire to try absolutely everything else before even beginning to consider this… option.” Her blush, momentarily lost while she corrected me on the nature of her land, returned in full force as she spat out that last word.

“And why d-“

“It’s really embarrassing! It is extremely belittling of me, extremely strange to everyone present, and really, really weird! I can’t even believe I would ever seriously consider this!”

“Oh come on, it can’t be that bad!”

“Believe me, it is.”

“Oh, fine, whatever!” I rolled my eyes, “But once again, what the hell does it have to do with me?”

She turned away to look at the advancing forces, biting her lip. All around us, a bunch of normally grumpy generals shouted alarmed orders to their troops while the two of us watched the horde below, the gleam of armor making it look like a twitching sea of steel. I saw her take a deep breath, her face turning even redder than ever before. She then grunted in apparent frustration, grumbled “Ah! To tartarus with it!”, and then turned back to look me in the eyes.

“You are here because I think your body has the perfect shape to actually make what I am about to do… if not any more possible, then at least feasible.”

“What are you ev-“ I was interrupted by her sudden decision to rear up and put her front legs around my neck. She was now standing on me, her long, slender white neck blocking most of my field of view. I looked up to see her still-very-red face staring into the distance behind me, absent-mindedly muttering “Oh sweet Faust I can’t even believe this.”

She then lowered her eyes, bending her neck down to whisper in my ear.

“I need you to copulate with me, right here and now.”

“What? You want me to fuck you? But… but why?”

She facehoofed when my surprised shout drew the attention of everypony present, almost all of them turning towards us and wondering out loud if they’d heard that right.

“Look,” I continued, “I’m all flattered and stuff that you’d choose me as your last lay, but aren’t there more important things you should be doing right now? Like, maybe, using that trump card of yours?”

She grunted in frustration. “This is my trump card! Do you think I would ask this of you in mere selfish nihilist surrender? The fate of my very country and its citizens rests in the balance, and you could save them all if you’d just listen to me!”

She was starting to get pretty agitated, her face still a solid red from both her obvious embarrassment and her growing frustration. Somehow my brain failed to be helpful when it decided now was a good time to point out that “You just told me Equestria was a kingdom.”

Her voice blew my hair back as she suddenly shouted, causing echoes to rebound throughout the entire city.

“STICK YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME THIS INSTANT, HUMAN!”

“Okay ma’am!”

I started to reach down for my pants when I heard the weird little twinkle of magic just above my head, and felt their comfort leave me exposed to the cooler air of the mountainside. I looked up just in time to see the princess’ horn dimming down after its participation in my magical de-pants-ening.

She looked past me, addressing a pony I couldn’t see.

“Captain Flash Sentry, I will need protection.”

Since I couldn’t look behind me, I just stared at the countless airships getting ever closer, small dark groups of tiny dots constantly dropping from them and heading for us. They were dropping aerial infantry or something. I concentrated most of my attention to my hearing, listening to the captain behind me stammering in almost painful embarrassment.

“P-princess? I… uh, I guess I may have some in my quarters, but I don’t know if they’ll fit the-“

“From the enemies, Captain, I’ll require protection from our enemies! Shields, barriers and such, not… not that!”

“Oh… oh right, I… oh. Oh, right! Troops! Defend the princess! Raise all available shields!"

The shimmer of magic flashed between us and the advancing troops, slowly settling into nothing more than a faint glow in the air.

And then everyone was looking at me.

“Now would be a good time to get to it, Rod Lightning,” the princess said, looking down on me with her huge lavender eyes and her face still red.

“I still don’t see how this is going to help.”

“Oh, don’t worry. You’ll see soon enough. In fact,” her horn glowed again, summoning a pair of sunglasses on my face. “I think this will serve you well.”

Well, okay then, I guessed that was it. I was going to have to fuck a pony princess in the middle of a war zone in front of her entire kingdom for some reason.

I briefly wondered how my life could have ever come to this.

Oh well.

I’m not particularly turned on by the whole exhibitionist thing, usually, so getting it on in front of an entire crowd was fairly hard. But a porn star’s gotta do what a porn star’s gotta do, and the job pretty much required being able to bone anything, anywhere and anytime.

Okay then, I told myself, concentrate on the good points of her body or something. Sure she’s a pony, but she’s also super elegant. Yeah, that’s a good start. Uh… she smells really nice, too? Okay. She has this huge, long neck that’s actually pretty beautiful, her fur or whatever is uhh, very soft, actually. Hmm.

I brushed my hands across her sides, feeling the soft white hairs of her coat.

How am I even going to do this?

I slid my right hand past her rump, nestling it just under her thigh. With my grip somewhat secure, I pulled, lifting her leg to my side and bringing her plot –at least, that’s what I think it was called around here- to my exposed crotch.

Oh yeah, direct physical contact works too, I guess. Yep, it’s coming up alright.

The cloud-like flying horde of enemies was drawing closer, ponies all around us yelling variations of “here they come” left and right. I saw the princess glance back thanks to her slender white horsey neck, before frowning down at me.

“As I said, now would be a very good time to get to it, Rod.”

Oh well. She definitely wasn’t going to do anything to save us, but at least I’d die while having sex. That was how I’d always imagined I’d go anyways. I wiggled a bit to find her slit and gently pushed my member into her.

Huh, I guess I’m a pony-fucker now, I thought as I felt her warm flesh around me. She inhaled sharply when I began thrusting back and forth.

“Oh,” She simply said, “Oh sweet somersaulting Faust, it’s been so long.”

And then she farted. A cute little fart, if that’s even a thing that is possible.

She sighed deeply, and I heard her muttering behind my ears: “And so it begins…”

Then she farted a bit more.

“A-are you okay, princess?” I had to admit, this was kinda off-putting. I was fairly certain I could feel her stomach rumbling, and I couldn’t help but think it was somehow related to me and what I was doing. She wasn’t going to just… leak all over the place, was she? That would’ve been gross.

“Yes, I’m just fine. This is all perfectly… normal. Could you… Ngh, Could you help lift my tail? I’d rather not damage it.”

I lowered my left hand to the base of her tail, wrapping my fingers around the bulk of the soft rainbow hairs. Being so close to her, belly to belly, allowed me to feel her bowels rumbling, a really unsettling tremor coursing through to me. Her farts continued, growing in intensity and frequency, like the grumbling of a muscle car’s engine slowly revving up. This was getting really weird.

Just then, with a loud pop, or maybe more like a big “PAH” sound, a flash of light erupted from below my left hand, and I saw the magic shields protecting us flash once.

“Guaah! What the fuck was that?” My surprise made me step back, or it would have if the princess hadn’t clamped her legs around my neck, pulling both of us even closer.

“No!” she pleaded, “Keep going! It is –ptuh- it’s beginning! Aim for their infantry! Please don’t stop, My ponies need it! I need it to save their lives! Oh! And it feels so good after all this time!”

I heard a strange metallic clink on the floor behind me.

I was too dumbstruck to move, but the princess made up for it by grinding her hips relentlessly. Her juices were dripping lightly down the three legs on which we stood. The rumbling in her stomach intensified with each thrust, her barrage of farts only stopping for the startling bursts of light and heat every few seconds. Although, even then, those were growing more and more frequent, each one followed by another flash of the shields and another mysterious ping of metal that the princess seemed to spit out somehow.

“I don’t understand what’s going on!” I yelled as a weird metallic smell reached my nose. A light, acrid smoke was rising from the princess, apparently expelled from her behind with each blast of light.

“This, ptuh, this is my trump card, Rod! This is why –ptuh- I needed you here today! Oh yes, OH!”

And then I realized, as I saw the armored griffons rushing towards us, and I heard the princess grunt, and another flash of light erupted from her behind, just what was happening. I saw one of the flying menaces suddenly grab his shoulder and tumble down, blood spraying from his injured limb, as the princess of the sun spit out another piece of metal, and I understood.

Those things she spat were bullet casings, and those fiery farts were muzzle flashes, and they only increased in frequency because that’s how a minigun starts shooting.

I was fornicating with a pony-shaped, living gun, whose firerate was still increasing, now just past two shots per second. And it only kept going faster.

And then I realized this was the coolest thing ever.

I pushed into her with a renewed erection, provoking a sudden spurt of rapid-fire explosions from the princess’ bottom and ending the life of a few more griffons through the shimmering shield of magic. They tried to retaliate, firing arrows and a couple of flintlock pistols in our direction. All their projectiles impacted the shield harmlessly, disintegrated on impact while the ones I shot from the princess sailed right through.

Oh cool, it’s a one-way shield!

The hordes were getting closer than ever before, some soldiers even reaching the barrier. They bashed their various weapons against it as hard as they could, some of them trying to slip around the sides only to be intercepted by the remaining equestrian forces.

It would soon be useless. I could see the stream of bullets being ejected from the princess’ ass, one in every five or ten shots being a tracer round and those coming out at an ever-increasing frequency. I rotated my body slightly, adjusting the beam of lead to aim at the invaders and cutting them down by the dozen. I kept pumping my hips back and forth throughout it all, the princess moaning as she delicately coughed a steady stream of spent ammunition down my back.

The firing rate of the royal cheek gun was now too high to be estimated correctly; I couldn’t even tell how many tracer rounds we shot each second. With the first wave of enemies downed or being repelled by Canterlot’s guards, I shifted our weight to aim at more distant foes. The infernal lead storm expelled from Celestia’s anus turned the black clouds of griffon bodies into a red mist of blood and feathers. I could see the corpses raining down below.

I could understand why she needed a human for this; no pony could have done what I was doing just then. Just being able to penetrate her from the front would have been nearly impossible for a stallion even at the best of times; doing so while standing on two legs and directing the flow of projectiles was way beyond the capabilities of ponykind. They’d need to put the princess and her partner on some kind of rotating platform to even get close to the same results.

Even though I felt her flesh repeatedly contracting around my shaft and bringing unbelievable pleasure, the strain of supporting her entire weight would hopefully keep me from reaching orgasm too soon. If my member was the cause of this ridiculous phenomenon, I definitely didn’t want to stop before the enemies were taken out of the picture.

They had obviously figured out we were the biggest threat, their massive flocks converging on us. The literal shitload of bullets blazing out of the alicorn’s rear was barely enough to keep them at bay, cutting them down like some kind of flying, snake-like lawnmower passing on some weird, moving flying weeds or something. Okay, maybe I’m not all that good at coming up with metaphors.

I couldn’t hear anything at that point, the deafening roar of Celestia’s rapid-fire ass explosions drowning out every other sound like some kind of flaming, explosive series of uh, farts… yeah, I definitely suck at metaphors. Anyway, the sunglasses she had summoned on my face were becoming really useful, as the raging blaze of her anal muzzle flashes would have blinded me entirely otherwise.

The sun was now covered entirely by the massive clouds of war, further obscured by the hordes milling about in the sky around us, and entirely smothered by the acrid gunpowder smoke blowing out of the princess. Wow, look at me going all poetic and stuff. With the sunglasses over my eyes and the blinding light shooting in every direction from a few mere feet down, I had lost the ability to see much of anything. I could only distinguish the shapes of the griffons by the gleaming reflections on their armor brought on by every shot I fired. I swept the beam of blazing bullets across the sky by rotating my hips up and down and left and right. Oh god that was intense. The princess hugged me close, her forelegs clamped around my back as she moaned and coughed at the same time, vomiting thousands of empty shells in a growing pile behind my feet. The tiny golden cylinders pooled around us as they spread everywhere on the white marble floor. It looked like I was standing in a puddle of roiling liquid gold.

Her entire torso was continuously wracked with spasms, rumbling and twitching and basically vibrating on my chest. I could still perceive the whirring coming from inside her and I briefly wondered if it was painful to her. I sure was enjoying myself.

But then I ran out of griffons to kill. I slowed down, the princess’ butt blasts sputtering down a bit as I let go of her thigh to lift my shades and take a better look at the hazy aerial battlefield. The few griffons who were still flying were retreating, heading back to the massive airships approaching in the distance. The princess caught her breath just enough to be able to speak again.

“No, don’t stop!” she said, coughing an empty shell between every other word. “I-I mean, it can’t be over just yet, can it?”

One of the pony generals yelled, wading through the mound of spent casings while trying to get closer to us. “No, princess! They’re preparing a bombing run!”

The princess craned her neck around to look in the direction the pegasus was pointing at: The griffons were pouring out of the airships again, but this time they flew in a grid-like formation, and stayed high above instead of charging straight at us. They seemed bulkier, even at this distance, and I soon understood that they were simply carrying huge black cartoonish bombs in their talons.

“Everypony take cover!” the princess shouted, immediately echoed by everyone within earshot as they scrambled to hide in any available buildings. She turned back to me and whispered, “We’ll have to shoot them out of the sky before they do any damage, dear.”

And then she licked my neck, as sensually as all hell on a pillow. Or something. It was getting hard to think clearly, with all the crazy shit that was happening.

Whoa, what was that all about?

Wait, nevermind. The bomber griffons were getting awfully close. I returned my humping rhythm to its previous level, bringing back the ear-splitting rat-a-tat-tat of the royal asshole cannon. Damn it was hard to aim high enough to hit them. With a sudden inspiration, I let my left hand slide down the length of her tail while still pulling it upwards, and brought the bundle of pastel hair to my mouth. I bit down on the slightly insubstantial strands, allowing me to let go of her tail. I used my newly-freed hand to grab her other thigh and prop her up a little higher on my boner, making her ass jut out at a slightly sharper angle. I had to bend backwards a little, putting enormous strain on my legs since I was now carrying the princess’ entire weight, but it was worth it; I soon managed to hit one of the bombers in the first row. His bomb detonated in his arms when our bullets hit it, sending a shockwave of fire and griffon niblets all over the adjacent fliers and knocking them out of formation.

This gave me quite a clever idea, if I may say so myself. I began aiming for the outer edges of the formation, the explosions soon pushing most of their ranks in a tight bundle in the center of what used to be an approaching square. I smirked and shot in the middle of the mass. They tried to scramble, of course, but it was useless: as soon as I hit one of them the whole group blew up in a huge chain reaction. The few survivors just threw their bombs before retreating in a disorganized mess.

I tried to intercept the incoming projectiles but only managed to hit one, the other three who were accurate enough to do so landing around us in a series of deafening blasts. One of them hit the shields, making them instantly opaque from the impact. Thankfully they held, but once they cleared I could see something much worse; the massive griffon airships were almost on us, and they were pointing hundreds of cannons at us.

“Fuck.” I said, my voice muffled by Celestia’s tail.

“Oh yes! Dear Faust yes! Do so, Rod! Harder!”

“Uh,” I spat out her tail, catching it with my hand again. “I mean we’re in trouble!”

She looked at the ships, then back to me. Suddenly, I found her lips pressed against mine and my mouth full of tongue and bullet casings; she was still coughing them up, after all. After the kiss ended and left me sputtering and coughing the little cylinders out, her magically-gripped tail found its way between my jaws again.

“Rod Lightning,” she said as I was being silenced by her rear rainbow, “There’s no backing down now, dear. We’re either going to take them down or die trying, and you’ll make me enjoy every last second of it, understood?”

I nodded, wide eyed. Her little last stand speech had been slightly undermined by the fact that she was basically stuttering from all those casings she spat, but it still had all the authority that she normally had.

Besides, the little sultry smile that refused to leave her lips even as she spoke and coughed told me she enjoyed this at least as much as me. Maybe even more, actually.

“Good.” The white alicorn nodded, licked my neck again, and re-adjusted her position on my body. “Now fuck me, Rod! Fuck me like it’s your last day alive! Fuck me for my little ponies! Fuck me for Equestria! Fuck me harder than you’ve ever fucked before!”

I could practically feel the thuds of the ponies that fainted behind me after hearing her words.

The airships were now so close I could see their cabins, dozens of little windows offering a view of the inside. Giant hatches on the sides were slowly closing, their purpose of dropping infantry fulfilled and obsolete as more and more cannons poked out of the hull in neat rows. They were all aiming straight at us.

I grunted as I pushed myself deeper in the soft flesh of the princess, the pulsations of her pussy transitioning flawlessly into the mechanical vibrations that shook her entire body with each bullet fired. The blazing roar of her ass heated the very ground as I stepped forward in fury, pushing the infernal torrent of burning lead towards the flying death ship headed for us.

I saw the impacts leaving pockmarks in the steel shell of the carrier, tearing the armor apart and leaving scars on its gleaming surface as I swept the beam of destruction across its hull.

It didn’t slow it down, and it certainly didn’t stop it from firing.

The monstrous projectiles exploded all around us, blasting chunks of marble every which way and straining the magic shields to the point where I heard them crack. I just kept humping almost mindlessly, the fatigue of holding a pony as big as myself propped up on my dick beginning to make itself known. When I could finally see through the shields again, I tried to aim for the windows and hatches, hoping that their armor wouldn’t be as sturdy so that maybe I could open a breach to the vital components inside. It didn’t seem to be of much use as the cannons steadied themselves once again and launched a second volley of deadly steel.

The entire shield shattered under the power of the much more accurate shots, sending shards of sparkling magic flying in every direction while the ground shook violently. The princess flapped her wings to stabilize us as best she could, but we still ended up sprawled on the pile of spent ammo.

I scrambled to find her slit again, the fall having knocked me out of her. If I was quick enough maybe I could shoot at least a few more bullets before their next salvo, and if I was incredibly lucky those would be enough to take them down before we both got killed.

I saw the griffons lighting the fuses of the cannons, huge grins spread across their beaks, and I knew then that my efforts would be useless.

I spat out her tail again.

“Well princess, I guess this is it. It was fun knowing you, and I definitely enjoyed those past few minutes with you, but I don’t think we’re going to make it.”

Her only response was a startled gasp and as I wondered why, the answer came in the form of a giant red laser slashing across the smoke-filled sky and cutting the airship clean in two. Both halves exploded in a violent double fireball, sending bits of flaming debris all over the place. The shockwave pushed us at least three feet back through the mound of casings, most of those flying back to parts unknown. I soon felt the deep rumble of the burning carcass hitting the side of the mountain way below, and as soon as the cataclysmic noise died down enough, I heard a familiar voice cutting through the echoes.

“Don’t give up just yet, kid!”

I spun around under Celestia’s form, confirming with my eyes what I already knew thanks to my ears.

“Dick Thunder!” I yelled, “My idol and mentor! What are you doing here?”

The man simply smiled under his famous trademarked moustache, his trademarked manly muscles busy holding a panting princess Luna to his trademarked hairy chest as he rammed his trademarked member in her rear. A second giant laser, blue this time, shot out from her vagina and pulverized another airship further away in a breathtaking display of firepower.

“I came as soon as I heard you were in danger, Rod!” he paused to laugh his trademarked manly laugh. “And then I ran to the nearest Laundromat to get here as fast as possible! Now get up! We have pony princesses to please, and a war to win!”

I scrambled to my feet as fast as I could, smiling from ear to ear. I couldn’t believe this! The most legendary porn star of all time was here to save my very life! I opened my mouth but instantly realized that words would never be able to express my gratitude. I simply held out my fist, which the manly man of ultimate pornographic talent punched lightly before re-affirming his grip on the night princess and turning to face the incoming enemies.

“Let’s do this, kid!”

I grabbed my own princess and did the same, grinning all the while.

Best day ever.

Author's Note

To quote some famous dude,
This is so fucking retarded oh my god I can't believe ~~I'm animating this~~ I wrote this.

I don't know how many of my brain cells had to commit suicide before I had this idea, or how many did so while I wrote it, but I say I deserved it for having decided to follow this through.

~~Also, did I just invent a new fetish?~~ No wait, don't tell me, I don't even want to know.

The worst part is, this will probably be unreasonably popular by mere virtue of the sex, despite the fact that it is undoubtedly awkward and amateurish as hell.

Just so we're clear: if you truly enjoyed this for some reason, don't expect me to produce this kind of crap with any semblance of regularity. This was a freak occurrence that will likely not repeat anytime soon.

Okay, this is just getting absurd now

“So, Lu-/-na,” The white princess said, her speech rendered choppy by the constant flow of brass cylinders falling from her mouth, “How/was/your/-hurk-/day?”

“Fairly standard, my dear sister,” The dark blue sibling answered in a slowly rising volume. “I am glad to see that WE HAVE MADE IT JUST IN THE NAAAAAAAH!”

Her sentence was cut short by the scream she let out in conjunction with a rather large beam of green light, followed by a long object extending from her mouth. “URGGGH,” She gagged slightly as the cooling rod spewed a cloud of superheated plasma into the hazy air, bathing the immediate area in a bright blue electric glow. After returning to a more acceptable temperature, the oblong device retracted down her throat with a hiss of steam, allowing her to speak again.

“…Just in the nick of time, it seems.”

“Yes, ab-/-out/that, where/and/how/did/you/f-find/this/man?”

“Well, your student had carefully documented a few theories on the exact mechanics of how ouR FRIEND ROD HAAAAAAAAGnnnnNNHHH! Blaarrgh!”

Another cloud of plasma interrupted her once again. A distant yet very powerful explosion shook the earth while the alicorn gagged on the cooling rod hissing from out of her mouth.

“…How Rod Lightning had come to Equestria. I simply followed them to their logical conclusion in order to enter the human world and seek help.”

“Oh, very/cle-/-ver, Lu-/-na!”

For a moment, the air was filled with nothing but the princesses’ silence, as well as the earth-shaking cacophony emanating from below their waists.

“Say, Tia, should it not be awkward to have sex in each other’s presence?”

The princess of the sun rolled her eyes back, both from reflecting on the question and as a side effect of a particularly dense stream of spent ammunition exiting her mouth and causing her to gag from the sudden overflow. She managed to answer once it passed, while her sister was muted by the aftermath of another one of her vaginal bursts.

“I –hurk- guess/so, but/I/can’t/bring/-ptuh-/my-/-self/to/care! This/hu-/-man/is/good, real-/-ly good!”

“Yes, mine is exceptional as well, I must say!”

“Why/then/would/it/be/awk-/-ward/to en-/-joy/our-/-selves? They/sure/look/like-they’re/hav-/-ing/fun!

“That airship’s getting awfully close, Dick!”

“I got it, kid! Just focus on those berserkers climbing the road!”

We were both pumping our hips furiously, bringing death and destruction to hundreds of beings who would gladly do the same to us if we didn’t beat them to it. I used the whirring sun princess to decimate their minotaur infantry with the thousands of bullets she ejected from her anus every second, while Dick Thunder blasted both griffon air force ships and zebran tanks alike with the night princess’ slow-charging-but-incredibly-deadly pussy lasers. Lead, blood, steel, ash and smoke flew everywhere in varying quantities all over the battlefield.

Thankfully, most of it was on the enemy’s side.

The raging minotaurs trying to rush up the slopes were easily taken care of; they brought nothing but huge battleaxes to the fight, trading the encumbrance of armor for speed and ease of attack. Too bad for them that my weapon-princess’ bullets still reached them way faster than they could reach us. They tumbled down the slopes almost as fast as they climbed them.

I stood on the edge of the cliff-like ramparts, directing the flow of death downwards at the invading forces. They couldn’t reach us directly, with the mountain’s slope turning into a straight fifty-foot drop just below my feet, but they could still climb the footpath leading into the city. From there they’d have to fight their way through the remaining equestrian troops defending the many gates between them and the castle. I planned to not even give them the chance.

Princess Celestia kept us steady with occasional flaps of her rigid wings, helping me maintain my balance on the edge of the cliff. Her soft, warm and moist flesh rumbled violently around my shaft, buzzing and throbbing at the same time. It was like some kind of inverted vibrator, and the feeling of that coupled with her weight and the time I’d been holding her were starting to make my knees weak. I didn’t know how much longer I could keep this up.

Thankfully, the battle seemed to be going in our favor.

But then the knights came. And no, not that way. Not yet anyway.

The minotaur berserkers were only the frontline cannon fodder, apparently, because just behind them followed the real guys: huge, bulky, armor-clad mountains of steel and muscle, each carrying a relatively giant sword and a definitely humongous shield. They looked certainly less abundant, but it wasn’t all that encouraging: turns out that despite being shit against modern weapons (or their magical living goddess equivalents); medieval armor still robs gunfire of a lot of its punch, allowing the knight-like warriors to take quite a beating before going down. It took a second or so of concentrated fire to kill each of them, meaning I couldn’t just spray the battlefield like a kid on a sugar rush who just found the garden hose.

And then it got from bad to worse. What was left of the griffon air infantry saw I was kinda busy, and instead of being polite about it they just rushed me. Now I had to split my attention between them and the minotaurs, which meant that just about too many of either gang went through. A little battalion of pegasus-uses was our last defense, and after I decided to just blast the last griffons first to finally get rid of them, our soldiers managed to clear the skies completely.

Which meant that in the meantime, the minotaurs had gotten all the way into the city. I could hear the cries and the sounds of battle while I did my best to stop them from getting any more reinforcements; there were still a bunch of dudes racing to climb the road.

Celestia was moaning, sometimes sounding like she was trying to speak. I couldn’t understand a thing. Her whole body was hot against my skin, her forelegs wrapped around my neck almost burning me. It felt like a big old sunburn all over my shoulders, and I wondered if she was starting to overheat or something. Was that even… possible? Our combined sweat ran down everywhere, and I could smell her everything like I hadn’t ever been able to before. It was a pretty nice musky scent, and it was only ‘almost’ ruined by the gunpowder smoke she was excreting constantly in a sizeable cloud around us.

And then the knights broke through to the rampart we were standing on. I saw them from the corner of my eye, and only turned in time to watch one of them doing some kind of jump attack on Dick while he was distracted blasting some more tanks below.

Now, I wouldn’t exactly bet that he was a goner at that point because, well, there’s a reason I can only aspire to be half as good as him; in short, the guy’s a true master of porn-fu. While normally not a very damaging art, I’ve seen the man defy physics with it. I’d even go so far as to say I wouldn’t be surprised to see him literally break people in half with his cock.

That said, I still felt it was necessary to at least warn him. I might have been wrong, as he seemed to feel the incoming attack even before my shout reached him.

In a stunning display of badassery, he spun around to dodge the blow, swinging Princess Luna’s hooves in his attacker’s face. They connected with a resounding clunk, sending the minotaur stumbling away. The knight only recovered in time to get pummeled once more by the alicorn’s wildly flailed appendages. Yep, the traditional proxy-fighting techniques were fully in play. Still comfortably embedded in her, Dick spun and threw her limbs around in the most efficient ways to bring as much pain to his foes as pleasure to his partner. His style and stances were true wonders to behold, even before counting the entirely new ways to destroy his enemies that the horse-shaped weapon-princess in his arms allowed him to improvise. I saw him sear a warrior’s face off with the cooling rod extending from the princess, just after firing her pussy laser straight through a charging line of foes.

He was so damn efficient none of them even came close to me, leaving me to just keep pelting the battlefield below while sharing my attention between the two points of action. Our side of the fight actually cooled down enough that Celestia managed to shout through the diminished stream of casings she spat.

“Woo! Go Luna! KILL THEM ALL!”

Okay, what the fuck. Wasn’t she supposed to be a kind and gentle ruler? I guess all bets are off when you’ve just shat about a billion bullets.

Seems I wasn’t the only one surprised by the sun princess’ choice of words, as even Dick was distracted for a second to shoot her a puzzled look. One second was too much though. A laughably small minotaur ran up to him with the speed and agility only midgets seem to have in video games and managed to slice at his ankle with a sword that looked suspiciously like a kitchen knife. Oh yeah, the greatest drawback of fuck-fighting: total exposure.

Dick fell to the ground, the reflexive kick from his wounded leg sending the mini-otaur flying all the way above my head and down the sheer cliff at my feet with an appropriately high-pitched squeal. Yes he was that small.

One who wasn’t so small was the huge douchebag I could now see just beyond Dick and Luna’s sexcapade of flailing and falling limbs, about to slash downward with his sword. An actual sword this time, all huge and pointy and stuff.

I immediately swung my gunprincess around and thrust into her deeper than ever before, my rage-boner of anger and indignation doing wonders for her rate of fire. All sound lost meaning, lost in the deafening BrRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRaaaaaaAAAA of the nearly-solid flow of bullets shooting out of Celestia’s butt. I saw the minotaur get launched backwards into the line of his comrades and knocking them down in turn. I kept shooting above Dick’s prone form, slowly but surely pushing back the horde through the gateway they’d used to get to us. Just as soon as there were none of them left alive on our side of the passage, another giant laser took down a nearby tower, collapsing it on the breach. Luna had basically rubbed herself on Dick’s still-erect dick to produce one more shot.

With the last immediate threat gone, I let go of Celestia for the first time since this all began, to rush to my idol’s aid.

“No!” he yelled, an arm outstretched to stop me. Even though she was completely gagged by the steaming pole in her mouth, I could tell Luna would have also said the same if she weren’t completely silenced.

“But you need hel-“

“We can take care of him, Rod!” Luna interrupted me as soon as she could speak. “Do not waste your focus!”

“But I can’t do this alone! There’s still too many of them, I can’t keep up!” I looked back at the valley, just below the ruined walls. There were still thousands of them.

Dick leaned back, resting his head on the stone floor and staring at the sky.

“Then you’re going to have to do It.”

I took a step back, shaking my head. “No, I can’t.”

“Of course you can! I don’t think we’ll make it if you don’t!”

He couldn’t be serious, could he?

“But I’ve never done It before! I never managed to get It right!”

He laughed earnestly, finally turning his head to face me.

“That’s because you’ve never tried It here! You’ve been here for a while, right? Can’t you feel it? Earth is basically dead compared to Equestria; that’s why only true masters of porn-fu like me can even come close to gathering enough ki for It without killing themselves!”

He smiled, and with an expert flick of his tongue, drew his own sunglasses from his mustache and threw them right on his face in a single, fluid movement.

“Don’t you feel it, kid? This world is so full of magic, even beginners could do it! And I know you, kid. You’re no beginner. Do you trust me, Rod? ‘Cause I sure as hell trust you! You’re the only one who can do It now! I’m counting on you!”

“Excuse me, but what exactly is this ‘It’ you speak of?” Luna asked, confusion evident on her face. I turned to her, the fire of Dick’s faith in me burning at my guts and loins apparently obvious enough on my own face to make her recoil in awe.

“It? It is the Tsdgafdbdb! The Triple-Slam-Dunking Galactic Atom-Fucking Dam-Bursting Dame-Buster! The ultimate move in sex-fighting! I’ve only seen it done right once, and it was the most awesome and erotic thing I ever saw! It’s so amazing that writing down how it works makes even the paper wet itself!”

Before she could respond, I turned back towards Celestia, who was still half-sitting on the ground, catching her breath now that she wasn’t being choked by brass.

She looked up as I got closer, simply muttering and repeating a flat “yes” while I grabbed her shoulders to lift her back up onto me. Her eyes were glazed, vacant, and her limbs just obeyed my prompts limply. Her mane clung to her body, wet from sweat and a few droplets of blood.

The griffon air force was entirely decimated, its last two airships already retreating while the minotaur hordes and the zebras’ armored division kept slowly filing up the slope to the city. This was it. The very last of the last stands. It was all on me. Well, on me and the sun princess, as I was reminded by the loving lick she gave my neck.

I didn’t know what to expect, what effect the Tsdgafdbdb would have on her and her unique ability, or how it would really matter against so many enemies, but I was ready for anything.

I reviewed the moves in my head, remembering that one time Dick had flooded the streets of Las Vegas with it. I visualized the motions and timing, the key movements and poses, and took a deep breath, possibly my last. And then I went for it.

Right foot first, then left arm, then the first twist, and it began.

I can’t really describe it in words; some parts of it feel like insults to the laws of physics, others would drive lesser men to madness, and the whole thing is so complex and full of subtle but absolutely crucial details that explaining it properly would take more pages than there are languages on Earth.

When the flock of weeping doves was summoned, I knew I was on the right track.

When the chorus of disembodied voices chanting seductively revolting insults in Pig Latin started echoing across the valley, I felt I could actually do it.

But when, in the middle of the third backflip, the freaking V-formation of flying, fireworks-cumming dolphins crested over the mountaintop to pass over us; and that at that moment I realized I had surpassed all my previous attempts, I finally understood that I would do it this time. I would succeed where I had failed about five times before. This was shaping to be the greatest accomplishment of my life.

We landed with stone-cracking force, the mystical sexy energies protecting my body from the harm that this kind of strain would normally inflict. Celestia just screamed as a golden shockwave of pure orgasm shot out all around us and brought everyone in range to an instant climax. Some strange ball of shining energy shot out of Celestia’s ass, gradually slowing down until it hovered above the battlefield like a small sun.

As the sun princess kept screaming through the massive geyser of bullet casings shooting out of her mouth with enough force to damage the walls, the ball of glowing energy seemed to curve and twist the trajectory of the thousands of projectiles erupting from her rear. Soon it looked like a buzzing cloud of lead spinning around it, whistling like some kind of tornado made of flutes. The cloud kept getting bigger and bigger, until even its brilliant center was entirely covered by the sheer mass of bullets around it. The flying dolphins were sucked into the vortex and shredded to a red mist.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see an impressively large, rainbow-strobe column of light shooting off into the sky, the colossal discharge blowing the clouds away in a circular aerial crater. I noticed it was almost nighttime. The beam of light was coming from Luna’s pussy, all six of her limbs twitching rigidly behind her as her entire body was arched in orgasm. Two cooling rods alternated back and forth in her throat, pumping out blinding amounts of plasma in the air as they struggled to keep up with the night princess’ output.

About fifteen seconds after she began, the princess in my arms stopped screaming, just before I heard a hollow ‘Fthump’ from her ass. I caught a glimpse of a baseball-sized projectile shooting off towards the massive roiling sphere of bullets in the distance, leaving a trail of thick smoke behind. I could feel huge spasms rocking Celestia’s entire body, and I took my eyes off the missile-like thing to see her gagging like a sick cat, her cheeks puffed out and tears in the corners of her rolled-back eyes. With a final heave, I saw her spit out a casing that was the size of a can of soup, sending it behind us with a loud ‘thunk’.

I returned my attention to the soaring missile just as it seemed to pass harmlessly through the whirring cloud of bullets still spinning over the valley. Less than a second later, all hell broke loose. A massive shockwave blew through the world, certainly reaching to the horizon and beyond; at the same time, all the bullets caught fire at once and shot off and away from the huge explosion that surely came from the missile hitting the ball of energy.

Like a gigantic firework, thousands –maybe millions- of bullets shot out in bright streaks of fire, curving down and out and apparently actively seeking the enemies below. An almost frightening amount of them headed for Canterlot, and I soon heard short and abrupt cries of pain coming from their victims.

And then, in the smoke of the countless little streaks of flame, there was silence. Celestia collapsed on top of me, gasping for breath. I noticed I had come somewhere in the middle of all this, though I can’t even begin to guess when. I heard Dick huff as Luna suddenly fell on him, her limbs failing to support her any longer.

We just lay there for a while, drenched in sweat and breathing heavily. Princess Celestia was cuddled up against me, lovingly licking my neck while tracing circles on my chest with a hoof. The way she gently giggled from time to time made her sound like she was somehow drunk.

One of the pony generals had crawled up to the edge of the ramparts, his receding erection still visible and leaking. He took a look below and gasped.

“Princess! The… the tanks! They’re still running! They’ve been heavily damaged but they’re still coming!”

“We have this,” said the princess of the night, her eyes closed in concentration and her horn glowing. At first I didn’t get what she meant, until I saw, through the huge patch of clear sky she had blasted in the clouds, the moon. It quickly moved just above us, hiding all the stars except one; one that seemed oddly colorful and flashy, and was somehow in front of the white orb.

My puzzled look was answered by “The moon is highly reflective,” when she finally let go of her magic and opened her eyes. I was about to ask what she meant when the moon suddenly flashed once before getting about a hundred times brighter in a matter of seconds.

Something like five million lasers rained down on whatever was left of the battlefield, clearing the sky entirely and producing enough light to think it was fully daytime. I saw the lasers shooting away from the moon about half a second later, probably some speed-of-light relativity bullshit at play.

And then it was finally, truly over.

I don’t know if I passed out or simply slept a bit, but the next thing I remember is seeing Luna standing next to me, trying to coax Celestia away from my body. She clung to me like a child being told to hand over her favorite doll or something.

“Come now, Tia, leave the human alone.”

“No! He’s mine and I want to marry him!”

The dark princess sighed, rolling her eyes.

“You’ll have to excuse her, Rod. She gets… emotional when… err, fulfilled. It doesn’t happen often, you see.”

“We’ll have lots of babies and we’ll be happy forever, and he will give me kisses whenever I want, and we’ll go to the beach, and-“

“Yes, yes, I’m sure he will be the perfect husband for you, Tia. Now how about getting you cleaned up? You wouldn’t want to ruin your wedding dress with a dirty coat, would you?”

The sun princess gasped in alarm and almost jumped to her hooves. “Oh you’re right Lulu! Let’s go! I need to look perfect for my big day with the future King Lightning!”

Princess Luna cringed when she heard her little nickname, but only sighed before starting to escort her older sister away. From that angle I could see Celestia’s rear end was stained completely black from the gunpowder soot, and a small wisp of smoke was still making its way out from under her tail. As the younger princess stopped to order one of the generals still present and awake to begin organizing the cleanup operation while they were away, a question came to my mind.

“Wait, so are you guys… robots or something?”

The night princess stopped and turned back to me. The sun one too, but instead of answering, she just did it to wink at me and blow a kiss while her sister talked. “To be honest, Rod, neither science nor magic have ever been able to explain this phenomenon of ours. Even in my thousand-year exile there has been no progress. To answer the question, no we are not machines. I do not know where those devices and metal bits come from.”

“Huh, wow, that must have sucked for your boyfriends when it first happened!”

Luna’s hoof went straight to her forehead while she muttered “You fool, what have you done?”

At the same time, Celestia’s face had basically crumpled faster than… uh, something that crumples very fast, and she gasped a few times while her eyes filled with tears. Her lower lip shook, her ears fell flat on her skull, and her eyes became as wide as saucers in an expression that would make even the puppy-dog-eyes-iest puppy dog look like a fierce triumphant wolf. A second later, she erupted into ear-bursting sobs while her sister tried to comfort her.

“Shh, Tia, calm down! It’s okay! The stupid human didn’t know about him.”

“I condemned him to a life of crotchless agony!”

“You didn’t know! Nopony could have known! It was not your fault, Celestia dear!”

What came out of the white princess next could probably have been attributed to a broken air raid siren if I hadn’t seen her mumble it out incoherently through her wracking sobs. Also through the snot and tears pouring out of her face. Eww.

“Buddicouldastoppedwheneecriedanididnnuntileefelltodegroundanwheniturndaroundderewazalldisbloodevrywhereandewallsadholesinemandefirsthingithoughdaboutwasdatmomwasgonnakillmeanddenirealizdiwasabadponybecauzmycoltfriendwasgonnadieandallicouldthinkaboutwasdestupidtapestriiiiieeeeeeees!”

“But Tia, he forgave you, remember? Besides, it’s all in the past now, okay? He’s in a better place now, and he has surely been reunited with his crotch.”

The sun princess calmed down a bit, still sniffling loudly.

“You really think so?”

“I’m sure. I am also certain that he loved you to the very end no matter what.”

Celestia threw herself in her sister’s arms, still crying but apparently a bit happier.

“Thank you! You’re the best sister in the world! -sniff- …I’m sorry for acting like a big baby.”

“Shh, it’s okay. You’re just a little confused right now. Now how about we go get you cleaned up?”

The older sister broke the hug, squeaking out a weak “Okay” with a crack in her voice. Both alicorns got back to their hooves and went on their way, although Luna took the time to shoot me a venomous glare before going.

“Geez, I’m sorry!” I said, but they didn’t seem to listen. They kept walking away with a slight crook in their steps. No doubt shooting so much crap out of their bottoms takes a toll on the ol' plothole, I guessed.

And then I was left alone with Dick Thunder, who had walked up to me with a bandaged leg, in the middle of the ravaged rampart while ponies slowly scrambled all around us to recover from the events of the day.

“So,” I began as I realized we were both stark naked, “Have you seen my clothes?”

“Uh, no. …Have you seen mine?”

“Nope.”

“…”

“Huh.”

Author's Note

So I basically gave up on trying to make this even remotely sexy and just went for sheer batshit lunacy.
Also, appropriately enough, at the time I wrote this note, this story had 69 upvotes. Aw yeah.