How Chrome Got Her Groove Back
Knock-knock
"uh yoo hoo anyone gonna help me out here?"
Sure this may not have seemed like the BEST idea on paper, but standing here outside of the main office of Google just seemed so right.
Unbeknownst to you, a few years ago Earth was visited by two very regal looking ponies. Of course the whole event became a media circus with everyone wanting to know more about these strange looking equine creatures.They explained that they came from some place known to them as the Magical World of Equestria. The tall white one said her name was Princess Celestia, apparently she was some kind of princess in charge of this EQUESTRIA. The smaller one said her name was Princess Luna, at least she tried to, apparently she bumped her head as she went through the portal, so all she could really say was "EQUESTRIA EQUESTRIA!!! RAH!! RAH!! RAHH!! EQUESTRIAN LADIES LIKE IT RAW!! RAW!! RAW!!!". It didn't take a scientist to realize whatever stories would unfold from their visit that they where most likely related to these LITTLE PONIES where most likely FRIENDSHIP WAS MAGIC. Unfortunately, while they were giving their speech, a homeless man 2 miles away began to public urinate by a Ben & Jerry's. So disgusted were the two uptight horses, that they immediately cast a spell causing everyone to lose their memory of their visit and then left. While nobody on Earth actually remembered their visit, the ponies spell was not able to wipe the subconscious, and when a group of scientists were faced with making an AI with a cute face to it, they only had one thing on their mind....But back to your little problem
About a few days ago you were playing some stupid crap on newgrounds, while at the same time watching some kinky old granny shove fruit up her cooter on some russian smut site. Everything was going pretty good, the old lady was taking off her dentures nice and slow, and by clicking in a very precise manner, you were slowly getting Zone’s ass poor rendition of that goth from Teen Titans to drop her panties. Right when you thought you were about to see the piss poor line that zone considers a vagina, the screen began to freeze.
"No no no no NO!!"
One more click immediately turned the window into a grey wash color.
"My fucking god, are you kidding me"
Looks like it happened...It finally happened.
Chrome crashed.
This was it....This was the last straw.
Well technically this was the first time this browser has ever crashed on you, and you’ve been using this puppy for about a whole year now. Safari would have already burned and crumbled a dozen times by now. Hell, the browser didn't even cost you a dime to download. And yet you felt cheated. Cheated not only by god and your country.....But by the team at Google Inc.
"This is bull, this is serious bull here. I was typing my term paper last night for like 3 hours, why couldn't I have had computer problems THEN. If google thinks they’re just gonna get off easy then they have another thing coming. I'm gonna bring the fight to THEM!"
Looking towards the chrome icon staring at you on your desktop you think if it would be worthwhile to start up chrome again. You know, to check if it recovered the pages that closed. But you just shake your head.
"Google you think i'm some sort of chump? You better be wearing your spelunking helmets because i'm going to shove and pack a chromebook so far up your asshole that you'll be walking out with a chromebook diamond. Then we'll see who the real loser is here."
That very night you walked to your nearest southwestern airlines office and got a first class ticket to silicon valley. Sure it was pricey and since the flight delayed about 3 times you got barely any sleep, but standing there in the office of your enemy, you felt as if you were at peak performance.
"Hey I'm looking for the fags that worked on that butt plug you call a browser!"
Silence.
"Yo I'm talking here!"
Still nothing
Oh this was just icing on the cake now. In your head a chrome book was no longer sufficient. Picking up a chair you begin to slowly walk towards the empty receptionist desk. In your eyes the Ikea brand desk was too good for them. Raising the chair high above your head, you were mere moments away from your pseudo revenge when...
"Please come in sir"
Turning your head your head the thumping from your chest begins to slow, your blind rage slowly subsiding as a small smile begins to curl on your sour face.
The time has finally come to accomplish your goal and give chrome the shaft.
Looking back...You did get exactly that
Walking in, you find a scene straight out of a closeted furfags fantasy.
A talking cartoon horse, all proper in a business suit and sitting up in her little executives seat.
"If you'd please take a seat sir i'd be more than happy to help sort out this little fiasco with you"
Staring at the very business like pone you make your way to the seat right across from her desk.
"Are you comfy sir? Would you like a refreshment?"
With a face reeking of grumpiness and discomfort you slowly nod.
No way you're gonna give google the satisfaction that you don't know what the fuck is going on.
The small equine pushes her chair away from the desk and makes her way to the coffee machine near the back of her office.
"I've reviewed your records Mr.?"
"Anonymous. my name is Anonymous. Well i mean my christian name is Anon E. Mouse."
"Mr. Anonymous. I've reviewed the issues you've encountered and i feel as if you are bringing up a case that is more benign than you are making it out to be."
The horse said cooly, pouring your coffee into a mug, the steam rising slowly.
You rise from your chair, anger in your voice.
"I have been lied to! Theres physical proof that the google corporation has treated me, a valued customer, in a manner that most courts would consider gross negligence!"
You finish off your retort with an angry slam of your hand on her Ikea brand Ikea desk.
The equine gives you your refreshment with a now frazzled expression on her face.
"Oh!? Of course sir! I'd be more than happy to give you a full refund for our shortcoming!..!"
Either this horse was stupid or she was incredibly gullible. Physical proof of an internet browser crashing? I mean i guess you could get a print screen but really whats the fucking point? Its not like it really meant anything. The fact of the matter was that if you had brought this case to an actual lawyer of jewish descent, you'd probably have been kicked out by now.
But this situation was different. You were arguing with a horse.
"Well im happy that you and I are finally seeing things eye to eye."
You say smugly leaning back in your chair, the mug closing in on your lips as you take a sip.
…
…
…
Wait a second.
This isn't coffee..
Is this?
"Is this fucking Kool-Aid!?!?!?!?!"
As the pony sat down on her office chair she awkwardly looked down at the floor.
"Yes sir..."
"You gave me...a coffee mug."
"Now sir if I could explain myself."
"Full of Fucking warm Kool-Aid!!!!"
"Sir it isn't so much actual Kool-Aid, as its more just a heated package of Kool-Aid Jammers."
"You think i'm a joke!?!?! You think this whole bloody mess is a joke!?! Wheres your manager, I'd like to speak to Mr. Google himself!!"
At this all the blood in the horse’s face completely drains.
"M-Mr. Google? Sir I-I'd be more than happy to personally he-hel-."
"I'D LIKE TO SPEAK TO MR. GOOGLE!!!"
You say looking over the marshmallow equine, the fear in her eyes crisping as the fire in yours reaches satanic levels.
"Y-yes sir. Of c-course sir."
She reaches for something below her desk.
Her head coming back up, you see that she has a dvd in her mouth.
Swiveling her desk a bit she puts the disk into a dvd player and turns on the tv.
As the tv slowly comes to life, she pushes herself from the desk and makes her way to the door.
That's it this was getting ridiculous.
"Where the hell are you going!?!?! Call the man for gods sake!! What they don't let company fuck ups use a phone or something!?!"
She looks towards the floor as she rubs her neck.
"Well actually sir...no."
Your face scrunches up. Really? Fucking really?
"But please sir! It won't take more than a moment for me to get Mr. Google! While you wait please enjoy the entertainment I have provided for you"
With that the door closes softly as she scurries from the room.
"This better be a video explaining how I can better sue you gu---- OH COME THE FUCK ON!!!!!"
The horse left you with the complete third season of Frasier playing on the tv.
"Thats it im done. I'm leaving!!!"
You yell towards the door that the horse took.
However, as soon as you get up from your seat and turn your head, you see that you are face to face with a small boy in a business suit.
With a name tag that read Mr. Google
"You must be the man with the complaints. Please take a seat."
The boy points towards the chair.
"A-Actually i'm all good now."
"TAKE A SEAT"
The boy commands.
Hurriedly you sit back down.
The boy begins to walk around the desk, his hands to his face, scratching thoughtfully. You see the small horse near the back of the room. By the looks of it she seems shitless scared, as if she expects her job was about to be terminated.... or worse..
The boy lowers himself on the chair that the pony sat on a few minutes ago
"I hear that we are having a bit of an issue. Is this true Anon?"
"actually m-my name is-."
"HMMM ANON?! IS THIS A FACT!!??"
"Yes! Yes it is!"
You immediately blurt out.
"And it appears that while we were trying to sort out this small... issue. One of my “subordinates” made things difficult. Is that the case?"
"y-yes."
The boy nods. slowly.
"Chrome would you please come over here?"
The boy asks. The horse, however, only lowers her head even more. making her way to the desk at a snails pace.
"NOW!!!!!"
The pony flinches at this, doubling her pace.
"You. Anon. Are a prized customer of Google. I am very happy with that."
The boy grabs the horse by her mane.
"While I can't give you any money to make up for your. Misfortune. I am willing to give another form of compensation."
The pony seems on the verge of tears, as the boy releases her mane and slowly grabs her tail.
"I'm sure you will find this payment much more....Satisfying?"
The boy says laughing. His laugh growing, and growing, turning into more of a cackle than an actual laugh.
Thats when it hits you. You know who this boy is...
"Are- Are you Mr. Simmons?"
The boy immediately stops laughing.
"Yeah, yeah you're that boy from the gummy bear commercial, when did you become the CEO of Google Inc.?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=\_Gk5AEC7HIM
The boy places two fingers on his chin and nods. Slowly. He calmly gets up and walks around the desk.
Immediately he grabs the tv from the desk and tosses it on the floor.
"ARE YOU TRYING TO FUCK WITH ME!??!! ARE YOU HONESTLY SITTING THERE, SITTING RIGHT THERE, THINKING THAT YOU CAN STICK YOUR LINGUINE COCK UP MY ASSHOLE AND NOT FACE THE CONSEQUENCES!?!?!!"
The boy is hyperventilating at this point, but as the seconds pass he slowly regains his composure.
"My christian name is indeed Mr. Simmons, but I now go by my more well known name. Mr. Google."
The room gets very still, and awkwardly quiet.
"Well it seems that my “coworker” has some unfinished business with you. I'll leave you two be.."
Using a handkerchief to wipe away the sweat from his forehead. The Haribo gummy bear boy executive leaves you with the equine you met with when you first walked in.
"I'm so s-sorry for the inconvenience sir."
The pony mumbles quietly.
"I'll get right to work."
She trots slowly to where you're seated. placing a hoof softly on your pants.
Now normally you'd probably be at half mast by now. But things have been so...weird...that not even your dick knew what to do.
"That was Mr. Google?"
You spill out.
"Yes sir."
The horse says, struggling to pull down your zipper, a difficult task considering she was using her hooves.
"And he's...your boss."
"Yes sir."
You nod. but then a new question pops into your head.
"Why?"
Finally! You finally ask the question that you should have asked when you first walked in! Why an empty office building? Why not giving phones to all the workers? Why was a child actor from a gummy bear commercial the CEO for a multi-billion dollar company? Why is there a horse here!
"Well you see... a few years ago, google wanted to see if it could make a browser that was as simple and easy to use as its search engine."
The pone said, still fumbling with your zipper.
"It took them a good amount of time but they finally ended up creating something that perfectly fit their dreams of a fast and reliable browsing engine..."
""Google Chrome...""
You both say at the same time.
"However before the developers even released a pre-alpha version, they began to have a new idea. One that would completely revolutionize how people saw not only this company, but technology as well...They wanted a physical manifestation of their program."
The zipper begins to bother her more as she tries to grab it more aggressively, failing each time.
"It took an incredible amount of money, and the original CEO of Google had to sacrifice his own life in order for it to happen, but their work was a success...They created me."
Giving up on the zipper she sits down on the floor and next tries to remove your shoes.
"I was released alongside the Pre-Alpha version, just as much as an infant as the program which i was supposed to represent. At first the scientists had no idea what to do with me. Sure they created life and all, but did they know how to sustain it? Of course not! So they did what any loving parent would do...They sat me in front of a monitor with google open and told me to show them what it is i eat."
The shoes were proving to be even more difficult than the zipper.
"Of course since i was an infant I had absolutely no clue what it was they were asking from me. I just thought it was cool that i was using something so glossy and shiny as a computer. It was so cool infact that i telepathically typed in the words ‘coolai’ to express my happiness. The search engine thought i was trying to type in kool-aid, so it brought up a page with pictures of kool-aid jammers. Next the scientists asked me to show them what it was that i drink. It took me awhile to realize that they were talking to me, and when they asked the question again I froze up. I tried to show them that they were making me scared, but i ended up typing ‘frais’. Needless to say, the browser showed a picture for the complete third season of Frasier. They jotted some things onto their clipboards and hurriedly shoved me into this room. A week later i got a dvd box set for the third season of frasier, a dvd player, a tv, a coffee machine, and a 6 months supply of Kool-Aid Jammers."
Finally giving up on trying to take off your clothes she sits down on her marshmallow rump and begins to furiously rub her eyes in an attempt to hide any tears that were forming.
"And now... you just sit here and take their shit huh?"
She nods, sniffing loudly.
"So all you do?"
"All I do everyday is drink a few sips of that disgusting sugar water, blast the same episode of that horrendous show that i've seen more than a thousand times, and walk, and walk, and walk around this room until my legs about fall off!"
Shes crying loudly now.
"If you can please help me. would it be too much to ask you to drop your pants? And if you see Mr. Google when you leave PLEASE tell him i did a good job. Please!!"
Her face is red and she is putting her hands up in a prayer.
Your mind races a mile a minute. Should you? or should you not? But its no use trying to find the argument for each side... you know what must be done.
"No."
You say.
The marshmallow equine’s jaw drops, more tears pour from her face as she slowly shakes her head.
"P-please I beg y---."
"I'm not telling him... Because I'm busting you out of here."
The pony stops crying, but her [shaking intensifies].
"You're kidding right?"
"Pack your things we’re leaving, i'll take you wherever but you're not staying here."
A small smile slowly breaks on her face.
"thank you. THANK YOU THANK YOU!!"
She nearly screams as she tackles you in a hug. nuzzling your neck you still hear a faint “thank you”.
"come on lets get you out of here."
You grab the pony with one hand and the tv in the other and you slowly make your way from the room. It takes a few minutes, but you finally see the door that leads to freedom for your horse in need. Just when you think nothing bad could happen...you see Mr. Simmons walk into the lobby.
"Oh Mr. Anon, I trust everything went alright?"
"I'm taking her Mr. Google! and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it!"
The boy nods his head.
"Very good take care then."
"Huh."
"Yes please take her. she really is quite useless here. Besides, it isn't like we have a receipt to return her to the nearest Crate & Barrel for a full refund. If anything shes a drain on the company's profits."
"Oh... okay then?"
"ok then. now off you go."
He says leading you towards the outside.
Stepping out on the sidewalk you turn to him.
"Uh thanks?"
"Its my pleasure."
He says as he lightly closes the door behind you.
You look at the horse cradled under your right arm.
"so...I guess you can call me Anon. And you're?"
"Chrome!"
She says in an excited tone, the realization of her freedom finally dawning on her.
"Well Chrome any place you wanted to go?"
The pony opens her mouth but shuts it almost immediately after.
"Its fine Chrome, i got a good number of frequent flyer miles. I can take you wherever."
"Actually Anon, i've always wanted to leave that wretched place, but to be honest with you... i never had any place to go to."
Oh now it makes sense why her mood dropped so quickly.
"How about this Chrome, if i give you a place to stay, a warm bed, and good food. will you help me with any chrome related problems that i am more than likely to have?"
She smiles.
"of course Anon! From this point on you'll be my new master."
She wiggles away from your grasp and begins to trot at your side.
"And i'll be your very own Browser Pony."
Better get that lube ready Anon...
C'mon Bitch Who Uses Expedia
Jumping out of the cab still very much frazzled from a combination of both jet lag and hunger, you toss a few bills and coins to the arab in the drivers seat
“Keep the change buddy”
“Keep the wha-? It was thoity two fity for the ride pal, ‘less you pull out anudda twenty dollas friend? We gonna have ourselves a little bit of problem compadre” he said in his almost indistinguishable Arabesque accent.
You put your shaking hands up. Not only did you feel bad about not being able to pay your tab, now you feared for your life.
“Pra-pra-problem..? What a...what kind of problem we talking about here sir....?” You drop to your knees, pleading now. “Look man I’m good for it! Hey I’ll pay you double, no, TRIPLE what I owe! Ya just gotta give me a day or two!” Tears flood your eyes, “I’ll suck your cock! You want that? I’ll do it! I’ll give you the Wayne Newman special!”
The man of the sands grimaces at you
“People like ya digust me” he says spitting out the side of his window. “And ya know what amigo i’ve had it witcha, and now this little limp dick display jus went an pissed!! Me off!! Good!!!” he screams, spittle flying from his mouth as he points at you, “BUDDY!!!!!”
He slowly brings his left hand to his right hand coat pocket
“So now.... Oh yer gonna get it hot stuff!! Yer gonna get it good!!! CUTIE!!!!”
Oh my god...He’s pulling out a gun... You close your eyes as see your life flash before your eyes
Oh why god! Why! You were a good christian! I’m mean sure you never went to church or even prayed, but you never masturbated with your hands before ever! Those nights after you came back from mardi gras, you kept the devil away using nothing else but jesus, the good book, and a microwaved watermelon
Well this was it....This was-
DING-ding-ding-ding-dang-dong-dung-deng
“Huh?”
Opening your eyes you see the fakir dialing on his Blackberry
“You just wait gorgeous....I’m callin my boas right naow askin him what I should do with trubble makers like you!” he said very sternly, “Oh you’ll pay alright, and yer probably gonna hafta pay a FINE too SWEETIE!!!!”
You stare at the Aladin look-a-like in shock... Is this guy serious?
“Uh...ok?”
“Yea!! and its not gonna be a pretty fine eitha you fine stallion of a man! Probably gonna be at the minimum ten dollas!” the middle-easterner snarls. “Oh you’ll be--wait a sec is that...Chrome!?”
Your heart skips a beat. Throughout this whole ordeal you completely forgot about Chrome! She was still in the big luggage bag, it being the only way to get her to your house without anyone else seeing her. I mean sure TSA probably saw something when she went through the X-ray, but you just prayed that they would think she was just a couple of mangos.
Which they did.
“It isn’t what you think sir! It’s probably a mango!” you quickly chirp.
“This is the best thing eva! Dis phone had da woist web browsa eva. When did I get chrome put in! Did you do dis sweet pea?”
You look at him incredulously. Was this guy retarded? First of all, how in the hell would you have been able to download chrome onto his phone when you didn’t even know he had a phone. Second, you never even were within two feet of the guy. And third..... What the hell was with the pet names!
“Uh...yeah yeah it was me!” you blurt out. Hey, it might be your ticket out of this mess
“Aww yer da best!! Da best!!! Tell ya what...what’s say we just go our ways and pretend dis neva happened... Capice?”
“Sure! Then uh..I better go?”
“Go on cutie pie we’re done ‘ere”
You quickly pull out your luggage and begin to make your way to your house as quickly as possible. Trying to put as much distance between you and the strange taxi driver
“Fucking persians” you mutter under your breath
Dragging the bag on the floor you hear a soft voice squeal in pain
“Oww, Anon? Can you please be a little more gentle, I’ve been curled up in this thing for like a day and I’m not exactly cozy” Chrome whispers, trying her best not to scream each time her head hits a pebble.
“Sorry Chrome just a little bit more until we get to my house”
“Why didn’t you just tell the guy to take you directly there!”
“I didn’t even have enough to take us a mile away from the airport! I didn’t want to push my luck, I mean you heard what happened back there!” you say trying to justify her situation
“Can’t you pick me up then? It would be greatly appreciated you know!”
“Oops! Sorry Chrome it didn’t even pass my mind! That indian dude really must have got to me”
you pick bend over picking up the bag with the pone inside
“Better?”
“Much! But I’m still kinda sore from all the bumping and bustling”
“Yeah sorry you had to go through that Chrome...Tell you what, when we get home you can kick me straight in the shin”
“Oh Anon.... I’m really not too bad, the memory foam actually helped alot. But speaking of home, what’s going to be the situation when I get there? I mean I don’t think you ever expected an experiment from Google Inc. would be staying with you?”
“Yea I was thinking about that the entire flight. See when I said I had a house, I actually meant that I am renting a condo. And when I said I had plenty of space, I actually meant I have a a beautiful vista.....but space is a bit on the cozy side.” you say, sounding very small.
“Well........at least we’ll have a roof over our heads and food in our tumm--ANON WHAT ABOUT THE FOOD!” She screams out. Unfortunately, just as you were entering the lobby.
“Heh my ringtone! Isn’t it great” you say to the people that turned to look at you.
You make your way to the elevator trying to look as inconspicuous as possible.
“Sorry!” apologizing one last time as you quickly punch in for the 31st floor
You let out a deep sigh. That was close.
“Sorry Anon it’s just that i’m so excited for the food! You know my diet has been nothing but Kool-Aid and Fraiser.”
“It’s fine Chrome. Just kinda scared the shit out of me for a sec there.”
“......So? What uh, what’s there to eat Anon” the pony says trying to sound as calm and collected as possible. Even though she was absolutely ecstatic about eating something other than high fructose corn syrup and Kelsey Grammer
“Chrome my browser friend...As soon as we walk into my condo you say the word and I’ll get it on the table” you say, a sense of happiness goes through you, knowing that you’re making one very hungry, and probably a bit grumpy, pone happy.
“You mean it Anon?! Anything I want!” she says, in a salivating trance.
“You damn right Chrome......Just as long as the order isn’t more than fifty bucks and it’s something I can order over the phone”
“Oh my gosh oh my gosh my gosh” Chrome squeals
You can’t help but smile a bit. She’s been through a shit ton, a shit ton of boring. Seeing her get this excited over something that seemed so small to you was....cute
“Oh yeah, we got your pizza, your general tao’s, hell if you want i can get you a big plate of sushi!”
Chrome practically moans as she hears you list off things she only dreamed of
“And we need dessert too right?”
“PLEASE!”
“Then we gotta keep it real Chrome! I’m talking chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, hot fudge, caramel. None of that pussy Hebraic ice cream shit!” your voice gets louder as your list gets longer.
Standing in front of your door, you quickly fumble for your keys
“And don’t think we’re stopping there. Oh no way. Cause you’re a hungry girl right Chrome? See not only that, BUT, you’re one hungry horse that’s living with Anon now, and Anon doesn’t fuck around when it comes to taking care of HIS browser pone”
You manage to open the door. Closing the door behind you, you set the bag down and begin to open it.
“But wait there’s more! See that would be a good sundae for maybe I dunno, a person without taste buds? But you deserve the best Chrome and that just doesn’t cut it. I think we need to buy some ice cream sandwiches and pour that over also. Hmm?”
Looking into the bag you see Chrome is practically in a trance, her mouth slightly open and her eyes open as wide as saucers. She lifts up her two hoofs, letting you pick her up out of her temporary luggage home.
“Then peanuts! And just a measly crumble or two..Almonds, pecans, macadamia nuts! All toasted and salted to perfection.”
Setting her down you begin to make your way to the phone, ready to make this food fantasy a reality.
“But this puppy isn’t over yet, hells no. See once all of that, EVERY single last morsel is on the ice cream? We cover the whole with whip cream, only made from the milk of the most expensive cow from Denmark, each whip done by hand from no less than a thousand albino Danish orphans!”
You grab the phone and start dialing. Turning back to see how Chrome is doing, you see a white pone, hair frizzled, bags under her eyes, and her business suit all disheveled. But mesmerized by your words.
“And then, right on top, a big red cherry” you say pulling out your walle-. Wait a minute...Not there, not there. Oh shit..
In your hurry to get home and to not get Chrome’s cover blown, you must have forgotten to pick up your wallet when you went through the TSA checkpoint
“And you know what tastes just as good as all of that food? A big bowl of captain crunch and half a banana” you say, trying to save as much face as humanly possible
Actually what happened next was kinda cool, you would have never imagined that a pony body would make that much noise when they fainted and hit the ground face first
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You sit next to Chrome on the couch, she has a bowl of cereal in front of her as you hold the remote
“So Chrome, what was up with that taxi driver? He was saying something about a web browser or some stupid shit. That was you right?”
Looking up from her bowl, the equine wipes her mouth before answering
“Yep. I was just so uncomfortable stuffed in that luggage, I was looking for ANYthing to speed up the process. That’s when I noticed that the driver’s phone had not only Wi-Fi, GPS, and Bluetooth on, but he was so foreign he also left his portable hotspot on. So I did a little bit of this, a little bit of that and after a couple minutes, the guy had his very own chrome browsing app. Thank god, he didn’t have a nokia.”
You nod...It sounded like she was bullshitting you left and right, but you were way too pooped to argue
“Chrome I feel like an asshole, I swear to god I wouldn’t have hyped you so much if I knew I didn’t have my wallet”
“I know Anon, and really it’s not like I’ve ever had this so this dinner is still an adventure for me” she says going in for a mouthful of cereal. Swallowing her bite she continues, “and you know what? Sitting here on the thirty first floor of a high rise, eating cereal, watching this shark show and being all snuggled and warm in this blanket....I feel like the luckiest web browser in the world, or at least in the western hemisphere”
As sweet and nice as her last words were you never heard it. You had a stressful day too, and you were just too tired to stay awake anymore
“Oh Anon........You fucking suck as a host”
