Detective Dan in Equestria

by thewaffler

Rating: everyone
Tags: Human, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Other, Random, Crossover
Length: 1270

The bumbling Detective Dan accidentally got sent to Equestria and while there he weaks his own special brand of havok.

While on the case of who stole the free pens from the bank, the bumbling Detective Dan trips and falls down a manhole and ends up in the land of Equestria.

There he does what he does best: break things and make false accusations.

As for the folk of Ponyville, Twilight must contend with a creature with a shorter attention span than Pinkie.

Yes, this is a fic about a character from "All That" and I regret nothing.

To anyone under the age of 20, Detective Dan was a character on "All That" which was a sketch comedy show on Nickelodeon in the 90's.

Published 2013-08-11 04:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-11 04:20:02 UTC

Chapter 1

The world's greatest detective, Detective Dan was on his latest case that no one asked him to solve. For weeks, he was suspicious about the lack of pens at the bank. "AH-HA! Someone's been stealing the free pens."

At the same exact time, he failed to notice that five armed men were actually robbing said bank. Even when he got around to confronting them, they told him that they were money inspectors.

"Oh, okay, here's my wallet. You can never be too careful."

The thug looked dumbfounded. "Um...thanks?"

"No problem citizen, now excuse me I gotta find that pen bandit." Dan whipped out a magnifying glass and began to look under the table that held the complementary coffee.

Just as Dan was about to check the women's restroom, he heard the distinct sound of a clicky top pen, the same exact type of clicky top that banks use for their free pens.

He looked towards the sound and his mind was blown. "HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!!!"

"Crap, he's on to us!" One of the nameless thieves called out as Dan ran towards them.

As our hero gave ran after the pen bandits, he tripped over his shoe laces and fell head first into an open manhole.

Meanwhile in Equestria, Donut Joe was trying to cast a spell to make doughnuts that never go stale.

Just as he was about to cast the spell on the mixing bowl, his younger brother Latte burst into the kitchen causing Joe to misfire the spell.

The beam of unicorn energy then ricocheted off the walls and out the window and into a nearby gutter.

The Manehattan accented baker gave a shrug. "What’s da worst that could happen?"

In Ponyville a few hours later.

"What is it?"

"Who is he?"

At that last statement, Dan jumped up and ran head first into a bookshelf. "I'm Detective Dan, nobody move!"

After about five minutes, Dan sprung up again, and this time he moved his hat from out of his face and looked at the creatures before him. "Okay, you Technicolor donkeys are obviously under the spell of an evil witch, now where's the ugly monster I need to kiss to make you all human again?"

"Huh?"

"Playing hardball, eh."

The human paced around the room like he was looking for something before he darted out of the library window and into Ponyville. The six mares and Spike gave chase to their other worldly guest.

It wasn't too hard to locate Detective Dan; they only had to follow the screams of the town populous. To be fair most of the screaming came from the flower triplets (Rose, Daisy and Lilly), the rest of the town for the most part were extremely confused by the weird bipedal ape-like creature, not so much the alien himself but why in Equestria was he wearing so much clothing on a hot summer's day.

Eventually the human’s trail of terror lead to them to Ponyville General Hospital.

"Did a large hairless monkey in a suit come through here?"

Nurse Coldheart sighed and pointed to the left hall. "He went that way."

Within minutes, the seven of them were able to locate the human in the ICU’s Burn Ward. Dan was hunched over one mare (Miss Wind Whisper to be exact), but thanks to a birthday present gone terribly wrong, she was covered in medical gauze and burn ointment from her head to her haunches.

"Mmmm... MMMM!!!" The desperate mare tried to scream and get the human off of her while trying in vain to reach the nurse call button.

"Alright ma'am, I tried kissing the other mummies in this tomb and that didn't work. Maybe I'll have better luck with you, I mean it don't get too much uglier than you."

"STOP THIS!" Twilight shouted using her royal Canterlot voice for the first time.

"There is no spell, we are ponies."

"If you're really horses, then what do you really eat?"

Without a second thought Pinkie answered the call to action. "Cookies!"

"Works for me."

Dan once again began to look confused in the room he was in like, as if his short attention span was starting to take control once again. "Thought you could get away with stealing my pants didn't you?"

"Um... but darling, you're still wearing your pants."

The detective looked down and gave a sigh of relief. "So, I am."

*RIP*

Dan tore his pants off and handed them to Rainbow Dash, well not so much handed as he used the pegasus as a coat rack.

"Why'd you do that?"

"All these questions, you sound oddly suspicious. WHERE WERE YOU ON THE NIGHT OF THE THIRTY SEVENTH?!" Dan pointed an accusatory finger at Twilight.

"That's not a real date."

"Don't tell me how to do my job and I don't tell you how to make gerbils fly."

All the ponies in the room were on the verge of a collective aneurism.

"I'm Detective Dan."

"Yes, we know..." The room with exception of Pinkie Pie collectively answered with very little enthusiasm.

Twilight tried to regain control of the situation. "How about we go back to the library, so that I can figure out a way to send you back home."

"Geronimo!!!" Dan yelled out and he made his way out of the hospital and back into the streets of Ponyville.

As he was about to enter a Golden Oaks Library his awesome hearing picked up the sound of crying.

The source seemed to be a sad looking filly pointing to a tree.

"What seems to be the problem?"

"My kitty is stuck in a tree and I can't get her down."

"No problem, I'm Detective Dan."

"Uh..."

The human then pulled out his gun; after all, all the great detectives pack heat and he proceeded to fire a few rounds into the tree.

*PAT* *PAT* *PAT*

"MEEEEEOOOOWWWW!!!"

A very pissed off cat along with a whole mess of branches and several dead birds and squirrels fell out of the tree.

Dan gave the filly a smile, picked up the agitated cat and handed it back to its very shocked owner. "I'm Detective Dan."

The alicorn princess and her friends finally caught up with the human. Twilight was about to berate him on his not-too-bright behavior but a beam of light came rushing towards them and every, but the detective ducked out of the way.

Back in Canterlot, Joe had locked the back door and was ready for a second attempt at the spell that had alluded him a few short hours ago.

"Now, doughnut perfection will be mine!"

This time an interruption to the spell came not from an unwanted guest, but a loose ceiling tile that nailed the stallion right in the noggin. Just like last time the beam of magic flew out the window, only this time it kept going and going and eventually made its way to Ponyville, striking a certain private investigator.

Dan woke up laying on top of the "money inspectors" with about half a dozen police officers cheering his name.

"Dan, you've stopped the Carlito Crime Syndicate bank robberies." Police chief O’Hara began to shake the hand of the pants-less detective. "It was like you materialized out of nowhere and just landed on them.”

"I'm Detective Daaaaaan!!!"

The End

Author's Note

Whether you liked it or hated it, thank you for taking the time to read this.

Gotta make fun of the cliche that Twilight or Luna brings a human to Equestria. I picked Donut Joe, because why not? *shrug*