Your Gracious Host

by Anonymity12

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Shining Armor, Slice of Life
Length: 3159

Shining Armor only knows one available mare who can help him with foalsitting.

With everyone away on royal business in Canterlot, Shining Armor is left with the seemingly easy task of taking care of the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

He should have listened to Fluttershy.

Now, with the 3 fillies completely out of control on the first of seven nights, Shining must call up an old "acquaintance" to help him out.

Published 2013-09-08 00:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-23 22:34:25 UTC

Day 1

"Are you sure you will be okay?" Cadence's voice was calm, but Shining Armor's focus lay on the maelstrom of suitcases encircling his wife. The baggage flew through the air at alarming speed, but the blue aura emanating from each one told him that Cadence was still in control of the tornado of supplies for her trip.

Canterlot for a whole week, he thought, scrunching up his face in a look of disgust. She gets to go to Canterlot for a week, doing non-existent royal duties and hanging out with everypony. What do I get? He pondered his own question for a moment, before coming to a conclusion.

I get to take care of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, the most rambunctious, hyperactive, easily-bored-

"Shining?" Cadence snapped him out of the slew of foul language he was thinking about. The luggage stood still, and Cadence looked upon him with worry in her pink, wide eyes.

"I'll be fine, honey." He replied without thinking. "I only ask why I have to be the one to watch the three little fillies."

"Everypony else is busy, my dear." Cadence's voice was soothing and comforting, much like a mother trying to explain to her foal why the family pet couldn't live forever. "Twilight and her friends are doing the same thing I am, every foalsitter from here to the Griffon Kingdom has rejected us, and Celestia doesn't know anypony else who knows anything about kids."

"I don't know anything about kids!"

"Well..."

The last of Cadence's luggage had packed itself and settled to the floor, declaring an official end to the packing. With a flick of blue magic, Cadence lifted the multitude of suitcases and shifted them into a single-file line. She began to trot out of the bedroom, the suitcases following her one by one. Shining had to hand it to his wife, she knew how to over-pack.

When he finally caught up to Cadence, she was standing at the door to the Crystal Castle, two guards at her side. The line of suitcases still followed her, and Shining knew this would be the beginning of a week-long personal Tartarus.

"Have fun, dear." His voice was resigned. He had clearly already given up, but Cadence had no time to waste.

"I hope you do too." Cadence walked over and kissed him on the cheek. "I love you, Shiny."

The loving couple said their goodbyes, and Cadence and her guards finally left the castle, headed for a train back to Canterlot. The army of suitcases marched right behind her, almost as if they were her own personal guard.

He envied the suitcases.

The three harbingers of exhaustion and frustration sat in the middle of the foyer, playing a board game.

"I win!" Sweetie Belle shouted at the top of her lungs, flipping the board in the process.

Scootaloo and Apple Bloom looked with anger at Sweetie, then back at the ruined board, then back at Sweetie.

"Oops..."

Shining watched with minimal interest, brushing through his mane and massaging his temples. It was already 5 pm. Only 3 more hours, Shining, he thought to himself, 3 more hours, then day one is over and you can go to bed. Looking down from the ceiling, he realized that the CMC stood before him expectantly.

"Yes girls?"

"We're bored." Apple Bloom's words were frank and flat, completely devoid of emotion. "Can Zecora come to the Crystal Empire?"

"I'm sorry girls, just find something to do, okay?"

"Okay..." Scootaloo's voice held the same lack of emotion, but it took naught but 3 seconds for her eyes to sparkle with an idea.

"Cutie Mark Crusader Crystal Miners!"

"Wait, wha-"

Shining Armor was interrupted by the sudden disappearing of the CMC, followed by the sounds of a pickaxe striking crystal in the hallway. He jumped out of his seat, hitting the ground running. His hooves collided with the ground in full force, the inherent clopping blocking out the other sounds resonating through the castle. He turned a corner to see that a large portion of wall had disappeared in the fillies' wake.

"GIRLS WHAT HAVE YOU-"

"Cutie Mark Crusader Crystal Chandelier Cleaners!" Shouted Scootaloo.

"Cutie Mark Crusader Crystal Carvers!" Shouted Apple Bloom.

"Cutie Mark Crusader Crystal Corruptors! Shouted Sweetie Belle.

"GIRLS DON-"

Again the CMC disappeared, leaving little dust outlines where they stood, floating miner hats and all. It looked exactly like a cartoon.

This is gonna be a long night, Shining Armor thought, trudging down the hallway to have another look at the clock.

5:02. The sight crushed Shining Armor's hopes, and he collapsed onto his stomach. almost sobbing. That entire fiasco took TWO BUCKING MINUTES! He was mentally screaming at himself, the sound of crystal shattering and three young fillies hitting the walls at high speeds being blocked out. He sighed to himself.

I need help. The sentence was all the motivation that he needed. He was going to get help withing the hour. Only one question remained:

Who?

"You better have one darn good reason for dragging me out here at this hour, Shining."

Shining Armor eyed his visitor up and down. Same black, glistening body. Same cyan hair. Same conical fangs. Same big, green eyes.

Yep. It was Queen Chrysalis.

"Look, I'm really sorry but I need your help."

Chrysalis' eyes widened and her ears perked up. "I'm listening." She said, obviously awaiting something.

"I-I need your help to take care of some kids."

"Ha!" A grin cracked her face in half, revealing her pearly white fangs. "Who exactly?"

"The Cutie Mark Crusaders." Shining's sentence was met with a look of confusion, which he quickly picked up on. "Basically, Rarity's sister Sweetie Belle, a unicorn, Applejack's sister Apple Bloom, an earth pony, and Scootaloo, some random pegasus who can't fly and idolizes Rainbow Dash."

Shining fluttered his eyelids and donned a smile in a desperate attempt to appear innocent, but it fell flat. A look of dissatisfaction was the only thing that met him, with Chrysalis as it's conduit.

"No thanks."

Chrysalis turned to walk away, but she stopped when she heard a loud THUMP from behind followed by a slight sensation on her hind left leg. Her head whirled around, revealing that Shining Armor was clutching her leg, looking directly at her with puppy-dog eyes.

"Please?"

"No."

"I'll do anything."

Shining Armor immediately regretted his words as the most maniacal of smiles spread across Queen Chrysalis' face.

"Anything huh?"

Oh buck, he thought, what have you gotten yourself into Shiny?

"Erm... yes?"

"How ironic," mused the towering figure before him, her smile only growing wider as the groveling form of Shining Armor shrunk back in one spot, avoiding eye contact. "Captain of the Royal Guard of Canterlot, married to the Princess of Love, who happens to be Celestia's niece, is begging for mercy at the hands of the one he had defeated using the power of love..."

Chrysalis licked her lips. I am SO bucked.

"I accept your offer." Shining Armor's face brightened into one of both happiness and shock.

Chrysalis pulled her hind leg from his grip, lowering her head right next to his ear. She whispered in the softest of tones.

"We'll get to that 'anything' later."

Shining armor got up onto his hooves and dusted himself off, much to Chrysalis' boredom. He led the Changeling Queen inside the palace, but she heard a crash in the foyer and passed him, swaying her hips ever so slightly as she did so. When Shining reached the foyer, the three fillies were fast asleep in Chrysalis hooves, surrounded by broken and shattered crystal. The Queen was rocking the CMC back and forth in her grip, looking upon them with almost motherly concern.

"How did y-"

Shining's mouth was zipped shut by magic, and he instantly recognized the message. After the spell was released a few seconds later, he kept quiet. Chrysalis sat there for a little while in silence, then she began levitating the fillies while walking upstairs. She returned a few moments later, the fillies nowhere to be seen.

"They're asleep upstairs, one of the guest bedrooms."

"How do you do that?"

"I have over three million children my dear." she chuckled to herself, giving Shiny a malicious smile. "Don't you think I would have learned all the tricks by now?"

Shining Armor opened his mouth, but the thought he had been meaning to mention flew from his mind, and was replaced by another.

"Where will you sleep?"

"Master Bedroom."

Shining Armor's head cocked to one side in confusion. He contemplated her response, but could come up with nothing. He gave a questioning gaze to Chrysalis, who motioned to the couch.

"Oh heck no."

"Either that, or you sleep with me, Shiny." She gave him a pair of bedroom eyes.

"Couch it is."

Author's Note

Huzzah for long weekends! High school can be a fickle mistress, and without the Labor Day weekend, I probably wouldn't have started. Currently trying to get a cover art pic (of my own design) under way, but that might take a while. Feedback appreciated!

Day 2

When Shining Armor awoke, he noticed two things immediately.

Firstly, there was a smell. It clung like molasses to the air, manifesting itself everywhere. There was no escape from it. It was a familiar smell nonetheless: Pancakes.

Who's making pancakes this early? Shining thought, opening his eyes with utmost laziness. The Crystal Empire living room was as he had last seen: Rug in the center, crystal coffee table, two plush chairs, and the couch he was lying on. The rays of light that filtered through the blinds danced on the crystals, creating flashes that threatened to blind the poor stallion. He shut his eyes and began to move, when he noticed the second thing.

Something had jabbed itself into his entire back. It felt as if pain was being injected into his hide, almost like some sort of sick experiment. He opened his eyes once again, only to see that there was nothing on his back. The pain he felt was not caused externally.

The bucking couch. Of course. How could I forget? He remembered the numerous times when he and Cadence had fought, almost always resulting in his sleeping-related exile. The couch was the most uncomfortable thing in the whole castle, although he doubted Chrysalis knew that.

He was snapped out of his thoughts by the familiar smell of pancakes wafting through the air again. He slowly dragged himself out of bed, the pain finally subsiding when he stood and eased the pressure on his spine. He shifted his body multiple times in place, finally coming to the conclusion that, so long as he didn't move his back, the pain was entirely avoidable. He trudged his way down the hall, following the alluring smell of fresh pancakes.

As he came closer to the kitchen, he began to hear chatting, as well as the sizzling of what was undoubtedly the pancakes. The small talk was easily audible, but he was too tired and too entranced to give a flying feather about what they were actually saying. When he finally entered the Crystal kitchen, he noticed Chrysalis one one side, while the CMC sat at the table. He paid no mind to them, as Queen Chrysalis did not look like herself.

No. Not at all like herself.

She was wearing a ponytail.

"Uhhh..."

"What's wrong Shiny?" Chrysalis asked, her face appearing completely oblivious and innocent.

"Your... Y-Your..."

"My what dear?"

"Your... p-p-pony... t-tail..." Congrats, Idiot, he scolded to himself, you managed to stammer out 3 words because Chrysalis changed her hairstyle.

"...Are you serious?" Chrysalis looked at him with genuine concern in her eyes. She flipped her ponytail around to her left side, watching as Shining's eyes remained fixed on it. She glanced at the CMC, who collectively shrugged and shook their heads. She signed in her frustration.

"Forget it Shining, If you don't like-"

"No no, It's... Cool." Are you trying to get her to think you're insane? He screamed at himself.

"Alright. I'll keep it for now..."

Thank Celestia! You managed to finally form a complete thought you wasted motherbucker!

"...But I think we should have breakfast before you attempt anything possibly dangerous, like levitation." Chrysalis gave him a toothy grin, sticking her tongue out in the process. Shining ignored the obvious insult and nodded in approval, sitting at one of the empty spaces at the table. Five plates of pancakes levitated themselves onto the table, and no sooner had Chrysalis sat down than the CMC had began scarfing them down at record speed.

After taking a bite of the heavenly food before him, Shining Armor managed to form a complete thought and addressed Chrysalis.

"So... where did you learn to cook, Chrysalis?"

"Taught myself. When you have as many kids as I do, you don't exactly have time for lessons. You just trial-and-error your way through everything you need." Chrysalis didn't give Shiny so much as a glance as she spoke and ate her pancakes.

"Miss Chrysalis knows ah lot o' things, Shining Armor!" Apple Bloom grinned to herself in satisfaction, and the other 2 fillies quickly caught on.

"Yeah! She knows how to make beds!"

"And she knows how to teleport!"

"And she knows how to seduce!" Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo dropped their grins, swapping them for looks of confusion.

"Say what?"

"Seduce! It's when a mare gets a stallion to like her! Applejack told me so!"

Shining Armor focused his gaze on Chrysalis, who was smiling sheepishly. He never thought that a Changeling could blush such a deep red.

Shining coughed to break the tension.

"So how did you fillies sleep?"

"Like fillies!" said Sweetie Belle, still chewing on the last of her pancakes. Her friends were obviously not pleased with her answer. They exchanged glances of dissatisfaction, although Sweetie herself was completely oblivious, continually chewing on the sweet pancakes.

"Good. We slept good." Scootaloo said.

"Why don't you three go and brush you're teeth now that you're finished?" Chrysalis wore a soft smile, reassuring to Shining and presumably the three fillies, although Shining couldn't tell. After a bit of grumbling, the fillies left the room, leaving only Shining and Chrysalis in the now silent kitchen. He leaned over the table, staring straight into her eyes.

"You are good, Chrysalis. Real good. I can't even get those fillies to listen to what I'm saying on my own. How do you do it?"

Chrysalis shook her head, eventually staring straight at Shining Armor as a response.

"Trade secret, my dear." She put on a playful grin, taunting Shining Armor. Eventually she got out of her seat and made her way towards the living room. Shining followed, keeping his eyes trained on everything except Chrysalis' flank.

"So how was life on the couch?" Chrysalis looked behind her to see Shining's reaction, awaiting some kind of profanity.

"It was about as comfortable as sleeping on a bed of dragon scales." Shining responded without even glancing at Chrysalis, his eyes fixed on the painful apparatus he referred to. The pair made their way to the steps leading to the second floor, climbing them at a leisurely pace. By this point, any communication between the two had ceased, leaving them to make their way through the halls of the Crystal Castle in complete silence. They finally arrived at the master bedroom, the large ornate runes on the doors giving the impression of a ruler. The masterful handiwork had carved the door in many swirls and grooves. Chrysalis opened it without saying a word.

The master bedroom itself was indeed also a product of artistry. The walls were inscribed with various different runes and letters, while paintings hung in the places that were bare. The stained glass window was an easily recognizable memento to Spike, depicting the tiny dragon holding the Crystal Heart, surrounded by crystal ponies. One door stood on the far side of the room, directly opposite the huge bed. Chrysalis made her way towards it, tossing the hair band that held her ponytail onto the bed sheets. Her hair fell back to its usual shape as she reached the door. She turned to Shining Armor, hoof on the doorknob.

"I'm going to get myself ready," she eyed him up and down, "perhaps you should do the same."

With that, Shining was left alone with his thoughts.

I can't believe she gave me grocery duty. Shining Armor grumbled to himself as he made his way through the market district of the Crystal Empire. He gazed among the now-familiar faces of the shopkeepers, who waved or nodded in his direction

What kind of insane, starved pony needs to make 3 grocery trips in one day? Shining's face scrunched up in disgust, imagining an extremely fat pony who took up the entire palace. He continued his slow walk through the street, taking a left where he had twice previously taken a right. With another small bout of walking, Shining arrived at his destination: A new section of the market district.

The slightly secluded area was out of the sun's light at most times, but in the present, when the sun was just past its highest point, the area resorted to opening canopies over every stand. Nonetheless, the air in the small cove was cool and wet, much like a refrigerator. Shining fished a list out of his saddlebag, looking up and down the list. Various fruits and vegetables tantalized him, but he remained stoic, going over the list multiple times before individually identifying each stand he would need to visit. Looking around for a crystal berry stand, another establishment caught his eye.

The word TAVERN was scrawled on a small wooden post next to a small house. Above said post, glowing crystal lettering alerted many crystal ponies to its existence, although Shining only guessed that it meant the same thing. Looking back at his list, Shining decided to put it back in his saddlebag and head for the establishment.

I've had a long day, he reasoned with himself, I deserve some kind of break. Besides...

...One drink won't hurt, right?

Author's Note

HUZZAH! The story has been DOUBLED!
In all seriousness, I want to apologize for the lateness and relative shortness of the chapter. Just know that it is setting up something for the next couple of chapters, which I promise to make longer (No I don't).

On another note, I was wondering if anyone wished to pre-read for me? I know I can't really offer much except for recognition, but I would prefer to have someone who is both truthful and harsh, As I wish to know exactly what I do wrong, no sugarcoating. Anyone who volunteers will have their profiles and stories read by me, which should only take a few days (weeks).

With that, I bid you guys adieu. Anonymity, out.