JELI 88.1
Sound levels?
Check.
Headphones?
Check, but a little sticky.
Tub?
As he leaned back he let out a long, contented “aaahhhh”. Today was orange marmalade day and the sweet, sweet citrus smell gave it that little extra bit of “wake up” he needed in the morning.
Double check.
He flipped a switch and from the tower in the white stallion's backyard he began transmitting a signal over much of Equestria that began his weekly radio show.
A sticky grin spread over his face as he sucked air through his teeth.
“Heeeellllooooo Equestria! This is everyone's favorite host Hugh Jelly on radio station 88.1 J-E-L-I, the only station where the DJ is sauced all the time! I'm currently broadcasting from my compound on the edges of the Everfree forest, the only place I can't be arrested for public indecency.”
He turned the sound on the mic up a bit, dripping orange marmalade on his desk.
“I know we had some trouble last week when famous super model Fleur de Lis was on the show but I swear I didn't know it would squirt that far. Hope you got all of that out of your hair Fleur, and for any listeners who weren't here last week, we're talking about my jelly cannon. I hope that clears up nothing.”
His sticky hoof slapped a button on the panel and a chorus of female voices sang out.
"Euphemism!"
“Now I know you all love whatever music I play, usually DJ PON-3's latest bump-n-grind beats, but this week we're going to take some calls. Because I'm not only your disc slinging god, I'm also-”
He dropped his voice to dangerously sexy levels, deep and baritone.
“your Doctor of Looooove. If you're having a problem with your significant other in the bed room, give me a call and I'll give you a very sensual solution. That's 739-7669.”
"Call now!"
It was only a moment before the switchboard lit up and Hugh tapped the first caller button with the edge of his hoof.
“You're on the air.”
“Oh, uh, I got through?”
“Yeah, the whole of Equestria can hear you buddy. How can I help?”
“Well, recently, my wife and I had two kids.”
“Congratulations.”
“Thanks. But one is a Pegasus and one is a Unicorn.”
“Ouch. What are you?”
“Earth pony. But, my Great-great-great-great grandfather-”
“No need to explain. It's definitely yours if you have a family history.”
“Really? You think so?”
“Yeah, don't worry. Any other problems?”
“No, I frost my wife every night.”
“Okay, give her one for me.”
The call ended and Hugh sighed into the mic.
“I know what you're all thinking but who am I to ruin a stallion's life? Next caller.”
“Hey, first time, long time? I suffer from a very sexy learning-”
“-disorder. Yeah, stop stealing material you lazy flankhole. Next.”
The next caller was a little hesitant when she answered.
“Um, hello?”
“Hello, you're on JELI, what can I help you with sexy lady?”
She stopped for a moment and swallowed.
“Do I have to give my name?”
“Nope. For any new callers out there, no names are necessary but pseudonyms are all good.”
“Oh, well, just call me...Roy G. Biv.”
“Alright Roy, what can I help you with?”
“It's a little embarrassing but I've...uh...I've been clopping with a book. Books. And they get soggy. And I have to buy them again and it's getting expensive.”
“What book is it?”
She whispered into the phone.
“I'm sorry, can you speak up? We won't judge you sweetie.”
“Daring Do. I really like Daring Do.”
Hugh leaned back, pulling the mic with him.
“Who doesn't? Damn, what a fine piece of flank. And the actress they have playing her in the upcoming movie-”
“Iknowright!?”
“Well, listen. Stop using the books and get yourself a love pillow you can wash. They sell them online.”
“Online, huh? Okay, thanks a million Hugh!”
“Remember my little ponies, no paraphilia is too much for old Hugh. I am sitting in a tub of jelly as we speak so don't be embarrassed.”
"Jelly!"
“Next caller.”
“Is your refrigerator-”
“Damn foals! Next caller”
“Didn't we shut you down once already?”
Once again, the illustrious mayor of Ponyville had deigned to add her thoughts to the JELI morning radio show.
“No, you said I couldn't operate in Ponyville. I'm in the Everfree forest which was all kinds of hella hard to get into but I'd do it again just to spite you, you sexless nag.”
“I'll get the Princess after you!”
“Blow me. In fact, if you come out here and join me in my jelly tub for a little clopping I'll shut down for six months. I need a vacation anyway.”
The slam of her phone went out over the entirety of Equestria and Hugh's laughter followed it.
“Don't worry guys. I'd never leave you without my inspired personality to bask in. We're gonna break for a commercial but don't go anywhere. If you don't listen to my sponsors, they pull my plug.”
"Plugs!"
He removed his headphones and rubbed his ears. The padding was wearing thin and started to hurt lately. A sultry female voice carried out over the radio waves as he rested for a moment.
“Is your stallion not looking at you the same way? Have you caught him staring after mares with shorter tails? Well you can woo him back with some of the steamiest lingerie around from the Carousel Boutique's Fall line. Garters and stockings are just where it starts. Our selection is enormous with all manner of designs from the classic to the exotic that will get a 'big' reaction from your stallion. If you have something especially naughty in mind, talk to our award winning designer who will craft anything from the demure to the slut-tastic just for you to wear. That's Carousel Boutique in Ponyville. Come to us and he'll cum for you.”
He slipped his headphones back on and chuckled at that bit. It always got him right in the gut.
“You heard the lady, all you sexy mares. There isn't a lady alive that doesn't look better in lingerie and any future guests who might want to ravish my brains out, I'm totally into knee socks. Next caller.”
“Hey, long time, first time and Ah need some information.”
The deep male voice with the country accent seemed strangely familiar but Hugh couldn't place it. It sounded kinda like the guy he bought his applesauce from.
“Shoot brother.”
“Ah'm in a situation with a friend of mine. We've got a friends-with-benefits deal going and it's great. But Ah can't get it up unless there're apples nearby. Ah've gotten by because we...meet...in this nearby apple orchard but she wants me to stay the weekend at her house. What should Ah do?”
“Use Applesauce as lube.”
There was a pause as the caller thought it over.
“Is that safe?”
“Hell if I know but it's never hurt me. Unless you want to tell her that firm, supple apples turn you on I'd just do some kind of foodplay.”
“Yeah, alright. Ah think Ah will. Thanks Hugh.”
“No problem. Go wreck that chick. Next caller.”
“Cutie Mark Crusaders Radio Personalities!”
There was a special button for this one that he rarely got to use. The ladies sang out again.
"Jailbait!"
“Get your own show kids. Or wait eight years and we'll talk. Anyway, that seems like all the time we have right now and I'd love to have you all tune in next week when we have guest host, code named “Moon Unit”, take over the airwaves. She claims to have amassed 1000 years worth of clopping technique that she will share with all of you, some daring and some dangerous so all you adventurous mares tune in and stallions, keep some tissues nearby. Moon Unit doesn't skimp on the detail. Jelly Pony, out!”
He flicked off the transmitter and leaned back in his tub, sighing in pleasure. He loved his job and after every show he felt like the whole world was just right. The jelly was body temperature and jiggled just a bit every time he moved. Almost perfect.
“Good show today. I'm a sexless nag huh?”
Sock covered hooves slid around his neck, sliding over his chest and into the orange goo.
“Hey Mayor. Pretty good acting yourself and you know I was kidding. Slip in?”
Her striped socks slid into the tub as she stepped over the edge and sat across from him, her glasses perched on the end of her nose.
Hugh licked his lips when he saw the marmalade clinging to her coat.
Now it was perfect.