Dear Filthy Heathen

by Vengeful Spirit

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life
Length: 1282

When Prince Blueblood receives an odd letter from an inebriated Princess Celestia, he naturally writes a response.

When Prince Blueblood receives an odd letter from an inebriated Princess Celestia, he naturally writes a response.

A reply to the Descendants' story "Dear Itiot" for those of you who'd actually enjoy making sense out of this fairly random jargon.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-12 03:30:02 UTC

Dear Filthy Heathen

To:

Her Majesty Princess Celestia

Reigning Sovereign of the Equestrians

From:

His Majesty Prince Blueblood

Prince of Unicorns

Dear Filthy Villainous Lout Bucket of Eternal Scum,

How did that sound? I think it was a little better than the last insult I had to send you whilst you were still inebriated from your pastry fetish. Seriously, why don't you just become mates with that crazy pink mare and call it good? I'm sure there are many things your could explore together in the pastry category. Oh wait, am I getting off topic? Forgive me, but you seem so enthusiastic about those donuts you've been snacking on. I could call a psychiatrist if you need it, you know.

In regards to the Rarity incident, you really need to stop being such a...bitch, to be blunt. You built up her dreams, raised her hopes, and gave her the impression that just because I am a prince that I am therefor perfect and worthy of her marriage. Trod on her? No, she trod on me, as did you for encouraging her. She would have built up a gigantic idea of what I was, my charming nature and all that jazz, only to have it fall apart when I didn't turn out to be so hot. I seek no marriage to anypony wishing to do so for my title. But all of that is irrelevant.

Why do you plague me with mares all the time? Hasn't it become perfectly clear where my barn door swings? I'll have you know that Braeburn is the best thing that has ever happened to me! Something you, I'm afraid, cannot say for yourself. I'll be completely blunt with you: I like stallions. I'm not turned on by a pretty mare that wants me for my crown, sorry. No matter what station they are, it means nothing to me. I am, however, turned on by any mare or stallion that's willing to get down 'n dirty and party!

While I did, in fact, stare at some flank, the only mare in all of Equestria to have such a vast flank as the ones I regularly stared at is you, Celestia. Or should I say, Solaris. Yes, I know what you are and why you're so gigantic. Don't try and hide it behind the cake, I've been around here long enough to see it with my own eyes!

Me, look at Luna in that manner? Ludicrous! Do you really think me so low as to stare at her flank like that? No. And an incapacity towards multi-syllabic words? Now you've simply resorted to name calling rather than insulting me for the matter at hand. I am truly an utter and complete jerk to those who have wronged me, and that is a matter in which you can find reason to insult me. Don't you even dare start spreading around such erroneous garbage as a childhood filly would on an elementary playground. While I am not nearly as eloquent as your filthy pie hole can be at times, to compare me with such...insolence is all I see in you, foul temptress!

Now to be honest, I did stare at her flank for a few minutes, but there really wasn't that much to see. Relax, I know she's off limits (mostly). I'll never sleep with her again, if that's what you're trying to say.

Alimony? You were the one so worried that I would never create a foal to follow in my hoofsteps, to never rise up to the ranks of a leader? I believe you're neglecting your duty, my lovely little princess. True, I enjoyed creating those foals, but it was you who encouraged me! Besides, it's simply in my nature!

Friends with celebrities? I have no friends in that category, I'm afraid to admit. No, my friends are the type that I so bluntly insulted to ward Rarity off from me. Funny, and I believe that the kind lady who offered me some of what I had to unfortunately regurgitate (you're cleaning it up, not me) to maintain my image was actually the kin of my lover. Strange how life works, isn't it?

It's true, my cutie mark is a compass, and you are also correct as to how I attained it. Do you honestly believe that I would ever abandon my love for exploration? Neigh, that would be neigh on insanity on my part! I explore different parts of Equestria every day with my beloved Braeburn, my dear friend Daring, and occasionally the foreign dignitary Gilda. I am still as active today as I was all that time ago.

So let's dive right to the point. I'm not going to beat around the bush since that's exactly what I have done for the last twenty years. I know you're a stallion. I saw it, all those nights ago. You wonder why I stopped calling you "auntie" and started treating you like you had betrayed me? It's because you had! All those years, all those lies! You accuse me every day of being less than what I should be while you hide your stallionhood in a simple spell to keep up your image!

I had the utmost faith in you, Solaris. I knew that you could have been great, and in a way you are. But if you're wanting friendship, you can't afford to lie to our faces every single Sun-damned day! I can hardly look at you without seeing what I'd once called a "friend." You, your highness, disgust me. I shan't be bothered to speak to your filthy maggot hole again!

By the way, I happen to have contracted four, not five venereal diseases. Why haven't you cured them yet? You can raise the sun, right? Or can you...

Sincerely and With the Utmost Contempt,

Prince Blueblood,

The Honest and Legitimately Loyal Prince of all that is Holy,

Lord of the Unicorns and Proxy Leader of all Races,

Overlord and Self-Titled Master of the Filly's Mind,

Supreme Seducer of Both Genders and Stuff,

Reigning Sovereign of the Stallion's Guild,

High Princeling of the International Talking Bureau,

Shameless Self Promoter of all that Hast been Written,

Champion of the Seven Isles, Legionary of the Last,

Progenitor of the Conduits, Icon of the Lazy,

Emperor of the Northern Region of Equestria,

Self Proclaimed God of all things Cloven,

Master of the Minds of all Single Mares,

Forerunner of half the foals born in Equestria,

Number One Switch Hitting Champion,

Multinational Bestselling Author of the Novel "Sucking, Swallowing, and You."

National Tit Licking Dude Faggot-Breath,

Royal Instrument of Ass-Wiping and Stuffs,

Element of Annoyingness and Ruler of Shit,

Lord of Ifyou'restillreadingthispleaseleaveacomment,

Shadow Inquisitor of Random Name Creation,

Creator of the Pony Generator,

Foreman of the Rainbow Factory,

Cupcake Overseer of Doom and Despair.

Power-Ranger Blue Guy

Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah,

Etc, Etc, Etc, Etc, Etc, Etc, Etc, Etc, Etc, Etc, Etc, Etc, Etc,

P.S. I like your flank! ;D

P.P.S. These donuts were awesome! I should reconsider sleeping with Donut Joe now, if only for more. MOAR!

P.P.P.S. Can we just let bygones be bygones? I know some great deep muscle massages to coax out even the worst of cramps in the nether regions. It'll really help you sleep more!

P.P.P.P.S. How does one "Suck a Fuck?" I got told to do that by Cadence and I still don't get it. I think she said that when I tried licking her. What's wrong with that?

P.P.P.P.P.S. Okay, now I'm done talking to you. Goodbye forever!

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Eh, not really. I'll see you later. Meet me in my bedroom in half an hour, m'kay?