Episode 1: Get a Life, Twilight Sparkle
Let me tell you a tale. A tale about friendship. A tale about hardships. A tale about shipping.
Once upon a time, there were two Alicorn sisters. They each controlled their own appointed heavenly bodies, raising them in the sky at their own appointed times.
There is Princess Celestia, the elder sister, who raised the sun at day. Then, there is Princess Luna, the younger sister, who raised the moon at night. They lived in harmony for a long time, before something occured between them...
"Hey. Hey, Luna." Celestia walks across the room to Luna, who has just raised the moon, which illuminates a beautiful night sky.
"Yes, dear sister?" Luna replies when she is done.
"Hey. Hey Luna. Do you like bananas?" Celestia asks.
"Huh?" Luna was puzzled by such a question. "Well, yes, dear sister, but what does that have to do with anyth-"
"SO!" Celestia said, interupting Luna. "You're a bitch that likes bananas, eh?"
"What?!" Luna asked, puzzled by her older sister's language, and puzzled by the sudden topic. "Sister, are you quite alright? Have you been digging in the cider again?"
"Do you know where there are lots of bananas for you to eat?" asked Princess Celestia, ignoring Luna's question.
"Ah- What?"
"ON THE MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
And then Princess Celestia banished Luna on the moon, sealing her indefinitely within.
It is currently unknown as to what occured between the two sisters that caused Celestia to banish Luna. It is also unknown as to how Celestia mananged to banish her in the first place. There is much speculation about this. One source points to the usage of a large cannon that blasted her to the moon. Another source points to large amounts of Cider being used. One final source points to the usage of magical objects known as the Elements of Fanfiction. However Celestia banished Luna, all we know is that if she ever comes back, she will come back as the terrible, horrible, god awful, evil, unpleasant, vicious, vile, iniquitous, spiteful, repulsive, abominable, appalling, unkind, and unholy Nightmare Moon. Or Night Mare Moon, depending on how you look at it.
"Elements of Fanfiction, huh?" Twilight Sparkle muttered under her breath. She was sitting in the shade under a tree, as she was reading a large book about the banishment of Princess Luna. "I've heard of those before.....but from where...?" Twilight scratched her chin as she struggled to remember where she heard of these strange objects. She sat there like that, thinking for a while, before she made a decision. She decided to go back to the library to search for information about the Elements of Fanfiction.
She got up, placed the book in her bag, and started trotting over to the library. Halfway through, though, she came across some ponies from her class.
"Heya, Twilight!" said one of the ponies happily.
Twilight's reaction to seeing these ponies was anything but happy. Her eyes went wide, her heartrate increased, and she let out a yell. An intense yell. A yell of fear. Of fear and misery. After this, she said, "MOTHER OF GOD! SOCIAL ACTIVITY! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" and then she ran away as quickly as she could.
Upon reaching the door to the library, where she lived by the way, she kicked the door open, ran in, and slammed the door shut again, before leaning back against it and hyperventilating.
"Hey, Twi." called Spike, her s̶e̶x̶ ̶s̶l̶a̶v̶e̶ baby dragon from across the room. He walked over to Twilight and looked at Twilight closely, before chuckling to himself.
"Accidentally encountered social activity again?" he asked.
"Y-yeah..." Twilight stammered, attempting to calm her thundering heart.
"Don't worry, Twi. You're safe now. I'll go make you some tea." Spike offered.
"No, I'm good." said Twilight. "I think I'll go-"
A knock on the door was heard. She stopped speaking as soon as she heard it. Her heartrate, which had just calmed considerably, raised again.
"Twilight Sparkle?" called a voice from the other side of the door. "You dropped you book when you ran away from us. I just wanted to return it to you.”
Twilight shook violently in the very spot that she stood. Her thundering heart rate which she had just calmed thundered again. She, very reluctantly, and very slowly opened the door.
“Hi.” said the pony uncertainly when Twilight opened the door. She held out the book which Twilight dropped. “You dropped this.”
“T-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-thank you.....” Twilight managed to stammer. She raised her hoof to close the door, until the pony spoke again.
“By the way, Twilight? I love your mane. It’s so pretty.” The pony smiled at her.
At this moment, Twilight suffered from a major migrain, and a blood vessel burst in her nose. Blood spurted out from her nose, and splattered across the pony’s face. Her smile was, at once, wiped clean.
Twilight then slammed the door shut, and started hyperventilating again. Her heart rate was calmed significantly faster than before however, and she immediately got to work, and searched through every book she could to find out what exactly the Elements of Fanfiction were.
"Spike!" said Twilight as she climbed the ladder to the top of the bookcase. "Find anything about the Elements of Fanfiction yet?"
"Nope." said Spike as he read through books and tossed them aside.
Twilight dug out a book and quickly skimmed through it, before tossing it aside. She skimmed through another book, before tossing it aside. She did this with about 3000 more books, before she gave up and jumped down from the ladder. She landed on Spike, who died on the spot.
"Uh....whoops....sorry, Spike," she said. She walked across the piles of books to her closet full of Phoenix Downs. She took out one Phoenix Down, walked back to Spike, and tossed it onto his dead body. His body started to glow dimly, then more brightly, before a pillar of light erupted from it, before disappearing just as quickly as it appeared. There stood Spike, who was alive again.
"Dammit, Twilight." said Spike irritably as he glared at Twilight, who smiled sheepishly back at him.
Spike saw the sheepish smile and couldn't help but smile himself.
"Anyways...." he said, "I found a book on the Elements of Fanfiction." He set down a book on the floor, which Twilight opened and read out loud.
"The Elements of Fanfiction. Magical objects rumoured to have been used against the Mare in the Moon." Twilight read out loud.
"Mare in the Moon? Come on, Twilight, quit reading all these kiddy stories." Spike facepalmed himself.
"Spike, please take out some quill and parchment and write a letter to the Princess for me, please," said Twilight, who didn't even hear what Spike said.
"twlght, pls. It's just a kid's tale," Spike said, louder this time.
"Dear Princess Celestia," began Twilight, who still didn't hear what Spike said.
"Oh for fuck's sake...." Spike relented and took out a quill and some parchment and began writing the letter to Princess Celestia.
"My studies have pointed me in the general direction of discovering that we are on the brink of disaster. First of all, the table in the center of the library is made of mahogany. Second of all, I'm running out of Phoenix Downs, and Spike keeps dying-"
"Which is your fault...." Spike muttered between gritted teeth.
"-but I can substitute the Phoenix Downs with either Revives or Ygddrasil Leaves, so either way, I'm fine, and what I just forced Spike to write to you was completely pointless-"
"Fucking A, Twilight...." Spike muttered as he continued writing.
"-and that brings me to what I really have to tell you. I just read from a book that I found in the fillie's section that we're about to encounter a disaster. Night Mare Moon will return on the thousandth year of teh Summer Sun Celebration, which is tomorrow! I'm sending you this letter to alert you of the news, but I'm sure you knew in the first place, so either way, this entire letter is pointless, and I'm wasting Spike's time-"
"Ugh."
"-That is all. Sincerely yours, Twilight Sparkle," Twilight finished. "Got all that, Spike?"
Spike then gave Twilight the middle claw from behind her back.
"....I'll take your lack of an audible answer as a yes. Ok, Spike. Go ahead and send it," Twilight said.
Spike sighed. He rolled up the parchment and tied it shut with some green ribbon. He then took his pants off and bent over, right before he inserted the letter within himself. Green flames spurted from the entry point, and then disappeared, with nothing but smoke now fuming from it. He then stood back up and pulled his pants back on.
"And now we wait," said Twilight.
Two minutes later.....
A low gurgling sound came from Spike's belly. He took his pants off and bent over. A parchment tied with a green ribbon shot out from the entry point and bounced off the wall. It shot back and impaled Spike in the middle of his forehead. He promptly died again.
Twilight walked over to Spike, retrieved the letter, tossed another Phoenix Down on Spike, and then opened the letter and read it.
"My faithful student," the letter began, "please do fuck off and stop sending me letters all the god damn time. I'm ridiculously busy as it is, and I don't want to hear you talking about Mares in the Moon all the god damn motherfucking time. Do you want me to banish you to the moon next? No? then stop fucking sending me letters. And you know what? As punishment for annoying me so much, I'm making you check up on the Summer Sun Celebration. But since I kind of like you, I'll let you stay in the library in that shitty town, so you can't complain too much. Anyways, get going. Sincerely yours, Celestia. P.S. Get a life."
Twilight stood there with her mouth agape, her left eye twitching.
"G-get...a....LIFE?!" she stammered out loud. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"
Twilight and Spike caught the next flying chariot to Ponyville as soon as Twilight was told to get a life.
"Ok, Twilight," Twilight said to herself. "Got to calm down. Got to calm down. It's just ponies. Must calm down. Must calm- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Twilight, please shut up." said Spike. "Besides, we came up with a plan, remember? You go to Ponyville and pretend to get a life, and then Celestia will leave you alone so you can be a total tool, I mean hardworking student again. Got it? Besides, how hard could it be to talk to other ponies?" Spike smiled reassuringly at Twilight.
Twilight let out a breath which she was holding.
"Yeah, I guess you're right, Spike," she said. She began to feel more reassured. "You ARE right, Spike. It's just ponies. How hard could it possibly be?"
5 minutes later, they landed.
"Thanks, guys." Twilight said to the two Pegasi that carried the chariot.
"No problem," they replied before they took off.
Twilight then turned around and faced the entrance to Ponyville.
"Ok..." she said to Spike, "Let's go talk to some ponies."
She walked up to a random pink Earth pony with big, poofy pink hair and said, "Hi."
The pink pony gasped very loudly and then took off running.
"Oooookaaayy....." Spike said softly. He took Twilight by the hoof and half-dragged, half-led her to a nearby farm. "Why don't we try to help you get a life there?"
They stepped into the farm and were immediately greeted by an orange Earth pony, who shook her hoof vigorously.
"Sup, sup sup sup, sup!" said the orange mare loudly and happily, "I'm Applejack, and I'm a lesbian. It's so nice to meet you! Want to join me for lunch?"
Twilight did a double take when she heard 'lesbian.'
"Uh...." she stammered, "No...thank...you...?" She began hyperventilating again as she gazed into Applejack's piercing eyes.
"Oh, please?" Applejack almost seemed to beg as she fluttered her eyelids and smiled sweetly at Twilight. "Just a quick spot of lunch, and some....'farmwork'....and we're done!"
Twilight screamed at the top of her lungs, turned around, tramped over Spike, who died on the spot, and then took off running without looking back.
She didn't know how long she kept on running, but she felt the wind knocked out of her when a flash of cyan flickered across her line of sight, and she found herself face-first in a pile of conveniently-place cow manure. She didn't know what happened, until she heard a chuckle coming from the weight that was lying on top of her. The weight hopped off of her. Twilight got up out of the cow manure to see a cyan pegasus with a rainbow mane standing before her.
"Sorry about that," said the Pegasus, "Let me fix that for you." She took off into the sky and came back with a peculiar-looking cloud. She placed the cloud over Twilight and started bouncing on it. A strange-smelling yellow liquid poured out of it, which cleaned Twilight of the cow manure, but something about it was really strange to Twilight. She wondered what it was, until a sudden thought occured to her.
"Piss!" Twilight yelled. "YOU'RE GIVING ME A DAMN GOLDEN SHOWER?!"
"Uh....whoops!" said the pegasus as she kicked the cloud away, "Sorry about that...Don't worry, I can fix that!"
The pegasus flew around Twilight as quickly as she could, creating a small tornado around her. She then kicked the tornado away and examined her handy work.
Twilight's mane was coated with feces, and she reaked of urine. The sight of it got to the pegasus, and she broke down laughing.
Twilight would have hyperventilated at this point, but instead, she was fuming.
"Ok, ok, I'm sorry, I really am!" the pegasus said after she stopped laughing.....but she began laughing again.
"Ok...." Twilight said, "My name is Twilight Sparkle. I'm here because I was told to get a life."
"Ok, ok, that's cool," said the pegasus as she wiped her eyes of tears. She suddenly grew serious. "I'm Rainbow Dash. I like everypony, but whatever you do, do NOT ship me with anyone. Seriously. Not cool."
"Don't ship you, eh?" Twilight grinned devilishly.
"Yeah, don't-" Rainbow Dash was about to say, right before she saw the devilish grin on Twilight's face. "Don't....you....dare...."
"I ship you with Applejack." Twilight's face had a huge grin on it, which promptly disappeared when she what quickly unfolded in front of her.
Rainbow Dash's face twisted into a mask of pure rage and fury, he left eye twitched, before it grew red and bloodshot. And then, finally, she let out a roar of fury.
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"
Rainbow Dash flew into the sky and kicked every cloud she could find, causing them to completely disappear from existence. She flew around extremely quickly, leaving behind a rainbow trail, coating the entire sky with rainbows.
Twilight stood there, open-mouthed at what she had just caused. She could faintly register a hoof taking hold of her own and dragging her into a nearby building. The door slammed shut, and she was left standing in the dark with a total stranger. A light switch flickered on, and she was looking into the frightened face of a white pony, with a moderate indigo mane.
"My gosh, darling, you didn't just ship Rainbow Dash, did you? Why would you do that? Have you any idea what you just did?!" she asked in a near-paniced voice.
"I-i'm sorry," Twilight stuttered, "I was just told to get a life, and I came here and, and-"
"Oh, I guess you shouldn't worry too much. Besides, the construction workers will clean up when this is done."
"Clean up? Clean up what?" Twilight asked. Her question was answered with a very loud explosion from outside. It shook the very foundations of the building they were in.
"I see," said Twilight.
"Anyways," said the white pony, "I'm Rarity, and I will clean you up." She immediately shoved Twilight into a nearby shower and turned the water onto the hottest setting, which gave Twilight 9th degree burns. After a few moments, Rarity pulled her back out and got to work combing her mane.
"By the way, darling," said Rarity, "Applejack dropped off the body of a baby dragon that she said she saw you trample over. The body is right there. She asked me to try to bring it back to life since I'm a unicorn, but for some reason, she never seems to understand the fact that I only deal with sewing dresses and clothing, and I don't know any actual spells. But since you're a unicorn, maybe you could do something about it."
"Oh, don't worry," responded Twilight, "I'll just throw him a Phoenix Down, and he'll come right back to life."
"A Phoenix what?"
"A Phoenix Down." Twilight took out a Phoenix Down and hurled it across the room to Spike's body. He came back to life, and glared at Twilight, right before he saw Rarity, and had to hide his early-childhood erection.
"Uh..." said Spike, "I'm going to use the bathroom real quick. I'll be out in five minutes."
Five minutes later....Spike came out, looking extremely satisfied with himself. And just in time Rarity had finished combing Twilight's hair.
"There," said Rarity with satisfaction, "Now to spend the next five hours playing dress up with you."
Twilight then grabbed Spike and ran out and disappeared into the forest.
"W-....was it something I said?" Rarity called out after Twilight.
Twilight ran partway into the forest. She ran, without looking back, until she suddenly came upon a lone, yellow pegasus with a pink mane.
"Hey, you!" Twilight called out to her. "You are now my last attempt to get a life. Please don't scare me shitless, or I will run away screaming."
The pegasus looked at her.
"AAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Twilight then ran out of the forest, towards a huge tree in the middle of Ponyville. She tackled the door open, ran in, and slammed the door shut behind her, leaning against it and hyperventilating. She then let out a breath.
"Nobody will bother us in here, Spike," said Twilight, "Nobody..."
Suddenly the lights flickered on, and she realized that she was surrounded by a huge crowd of ponies. The pink pony she met when she first arrived in Ponyville stood in front of her with a huge grin on her face.
"Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie, and party this throw I for you just!"
Twilight looked at her with a gaping mouth and her eyes frowned in confusion.
"Oh, god dammit, I rehearsed that line twenty times by now, and I still got it wrong!"
Twilight screamed and then ran up the stairs and into her room, where she slammed the door shut and leaned against it, hyperventilating, like she did with every door she's went through so far.
She then ran up the stairs and hopped into the bed and pulled the sheets over her and clamped the pillow over her head, and then passed out.
Her eyes flickered open, and then they readjusted to the darkness. In her sleep, she had somehow shifted around enough that her head was actually resting on the pillow now. She looked into the darkness to see two white eyes with black dots in the middle of them.
"Hiiii...." said a voice.
Twilight woke up, for real this time, screaming at the top of her lungs. Upon waking up, she accidentally knocked Spike down the stairs, who was about to shake her awake, and he died. She looked the window to see that it was nighttime.
She then looked back and threw a Phoenix Down at Spike, who immediately explained to Twilight what was going on.
"Come on, Twi," he said, "We gotta go to Town Hall to see Princess Celestia raise the sun!"
Twilight nearly facehoofed herself. She had completely forgotten about the Summer Sun Celebration. But what got to her more than that was that fact that she was going to have to deal with social activity. She still had to get a life. She began crying as Spike held her hoof and led her to Town Hall.
All the ponies in Ponyville stood in Town Hall, waiting for the Princess to appear before them and raise the sun.
"Are you EXCITED?!" asked Pinkie Pie. "I'M SO EXCITED! THE PRINCESS! She's sooooo hot!"
Pinkie Pie's excess enthusiasm scared Twilight. She kept herself from hyperventilating, however, and she tried to just enjoy the occasion. After all, she just had to stay here, watch the sun be raised, and then she could go back to Canterlot and read all she wanted, and then-
"THE PRINCESS IS MISSING!"
"Fuck my life," said Twilight.
Suddenly Night Mare Moon appeared before them. She laughed viciously and horribly, causing everypony to cower in fear.
"Hello, everpony," she said, "do you like bananas?"
"Y-yes," said all the ponies in Town Hall.
"So, you're all bitches that like bananas, huh?" She asked maliciously.
"Y-yes...." everypony said reluctantly.
"Well, do you know where you can get lots of bananas?"
Everypony shook their head.
"ON THE MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!!!!!"
Suddenly, cannons appeared from underneath everypony's hooves. They all fell into their respective cannons and got shot into the sky.
Night Mare Moon disappeared laughing her ass off.
"I suppose since I'm the main protagonist, I'm going to have to do something about this, aren't I?" Twilight asked Spike.
"Yup."
"Fuck. My. Life."
TO BE CONTINUED
Author's Note
I apologize for some of the spacing issues. I can't seem to fix them. Ah well.
Episode 2: Bitch Please, I'm Night Mare Moon
On the last episode of D̶r̶a̶g̶o̶n̶ ̶B̶a̶l̶l̶ ̶Z̶ My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Twilight S̶p̶r̶i̶n̶k̶l̶e̶ Sparkle was told to get a life. Who told her this? The very Princess of the land herself, the legendary Princess T̶r̶o̶l̶l̶e̶s̶t̶i̶a̶ M̶o̶l̶e̶s̶t̶i̶a̶ B̶i̶g̶ ̶S̶e̶x̶y̶ Celestia!
Twilight Sparkle traveled across the land oF Equestria until she reached the small town of Ponyville, where she met her new loving friends Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and....some yellow pegasus she ran away from. What exciting events await our heroes next? Find out on this new exciting episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic!
"Okay...." muttered Twilight as she sifted through the wall of books in her bookcases in the library, "There's gotta be something about the Elements of Fanfiction in here somewhere....find anything, Spike?"
There was no answer from Spike.
"Spike?" Twilight asked. She looked over at the bed in which Spike was laying in face-down. "Oh, that's right. He died when I accidentally impaled him on my horn when I lifted him onto my back and carried him all the way back here...."
Twilight walked over to Spike's dead, limp body and contemplated whether or not to revive him.
"Eh, I'll give him a Phoenix Down later. For now-" She turned back to the books. "-To find something about the Elements of Fanficti-"
"And just what the hell ARE the Elements of Fanfiction?!" asked Rainbow Dash, who suddenly appeared out of nowhere and startled the living hell out of Twilight.
"Are you an....OTAKU?" Rainbow Dash asked accusingly. She leaned in real close to Twilight's face as she said this, before being suddenly pulled back by the tail by Applejack, who suddenly appeared behind her. She was followed close behind by Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and that weird yellow pegasus that looked at Twilight. Twilight could feel the hyperventilation start to build up within her, but she fought it, and it died down. Now was NOT the time to let her social anxiety get the better of her.
"Calm down, sugarcube," said Applejack, "She ain't no otaku, but she sure is as attractive as one."
"Eh, I've seen hotter," commented Pinkie Pie.
"Anyways...." said the yellow pegasus, "I haven't properly introduced myself, young lady. I am Miss Flutters Von Bartlesby the Third of the Semi-Royal Semi-Important Family of the Ancient Pegasi of the Truly Very Important Phoenix Order. But you may call me by my locally designated name, Fluttershy. I dare ask, young lady, what exactly is your involvement with these objects known as the Elements of Fanfiction? Are you truly an Otaku, as Rainbow Dash has just accuse'd you of being? Or do you possess a better reason for having the desire to search for a book that contains a detailed description of said objects? Also, why did you run away from me when I looked at you?"
"I...." Twilight didn't know what was weirder, the fact that this common Ponyville citizen had such a long, sophisticated name, or the fact that she was talking in a "Sir" voice and accent that seemed completely unfitting of her, or the fact that Twilight actually felt comfortable speaking to her, even though she ran away from her in the last episode. "Well, I kind of came to Ponyville when the Princess told me to get a life, and-"
"Oh my god, the PRINCESS told you to get a life?! She acually TALKED to you?! Oh my goooood, is her voice as hot as she is?!" Pinkie Pie butted in with her question.
"I...." Twilight stammered.
"Come on, sugarcubes," Applejack said seductively, "Let the poor mare speak."
"OK!" said Twilight, "I read a book about how Night Mare Moon would return on the Thousandth Year of the Summer sun Celebration, and so I sent a letter to the Princess informing her of the news, and then she told me to get a life, so I came here to do what she told me. After that, I planned to read up about the Elements of Fanfiction, which were rumoured to have been used against Night Mare Moon, but now you girls are here, and I kind of still have to find a book about these Elements. Mind giving me a hoof, here?" Twilight smiled sheepishly when she finished speaking.
"Sure!" said Pinkie Pie happily, "but only after you tell me how really hot Princess Celestia's hoof writing is."
"I....." Twilight looked over at Pinkie Pie and saw her smiling happily. "I...." Pinkie Pie's smile turned into a grin. "I....." Then it turned into an old man's pedo smile. "....."
5 minutes later.....
"Fuck!" Twilight exclaimed. "I can't find any book about these damn Elements of Fanfiction! Why am I even trying anymo-"
"It's right here!" said Pinkie Pie.
Pinkie took the book, placed it on the floor, and then opened it for everypony to read.
"The Elements of Fanfiction," Twilight read from the book out loud. "There are six in existence, but only five are known, because, after a thousand fucking years, ponies still haven't found out what the god damned six one is. The five known ones are Drugs, Homosexuality, Class, Playing-Dress-Up, and Shipping-"
"Oh, great. Shipping. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo." Rainbow Dash complained.
"-the last known location of these elements," Twilight ignored Dash and kept reading. "is in the Ancient Castle of.....of....oh, dear god, it's horrid...."
"What, Twi? Castle of what?" Applejack asked gently.
Twilight gulped. "The Ancient Castle of....G1-3 MLP."
Everypony gasped.
"G1-3 MLP?!" Pinkie Pie yelled in horror. "IT CAN'T BE! OH NOEZ! I think I'll smoke some Meth to calm myself down..." She then took out a Meth pipe and lighter and began smoking.
".....what?" Pinkie asked as the other ponies stared at her. "What? It's medicinal."
"Uh....Ms. Pie?" said Fluttershy."Young lady, I believe you are thinking of the plant known as Marijuana. That is what is medicinal, and that is what is inhaled through the lungs for it's medicinal value. What you are currently smoking is Crystal Meth. Quite frankly, that will kill you."
"Strange," replied Pinkie Pie. "It's been medicinal for me so far. After all, it's given me cancer. That was really helpful."
"Uh....young lady..." Fluttershy had to resist the urge to facehoof herself. "Cancer is deadly. You're dying."
"Yeah. Isn't dying medicinal?" Pinkie asked, confused.
"Oh, my word, Ms. Pie. I believe you require professional help." Fluttershy was now openly facehoofing herself without even attempting to hide her disappointment.
"Help? What's that?"
"Ugh."
"Anyways....." interrupted Twilight. "The location of the Ancient Castle of G1-3 MLP is in the EverEnslaved Forest."
"Then what are we doing pussy-hoofing around here? Let's get a move on." Applejack said impatiently as she moved towards the door.
With the Entrance to the EverEnslaved Forest in front of them, the ponies stand before it, uncertainty, and fear clouding their minds and filling their very souls.
"Ok, girls," said Twilight. "All in favour of coming in with me and staying by my side the whole time, say 'aye.'" She was met with complete silence.
"Well, fuck you girls," said Twilight. She began trotting down the path into the Forest, leaving the girls behind.
"Oh, Twi," said Applejack, who strode up behind Twilight. "We were just kidding back there. Weren't we, girls?" She turned back to see that nobody was following them.
"Ahahaha...ah....give me a moment." Applejack quickly went back, beat everypony up, hoofcuffed everypony to herself, and started dragging them along.
"As I was saying," said Applejack. "We were just kidding, right girls?"
"Y-yeah...." said Rarity, who was nursing a broken nose.
"See, Twi?" Applejack reassured Twilight. "We ain't leaving you. Not now, or ever. Got that, sweetheart?" She looked at Twilight with big, glowing eyes.
"This is going to be a looooooooooong journey to the Ancient Castle...." Twilight muttered.
Slowly, the six of them made their way to the Ancient Castle. They trudged on their way, Twilight complaining about being stuck with the girls, and Applejack flirting with Twilight the whole way through. They continued on like this, until suddenly, a Wild Cliff Edge Appeared!
"Oh great," said Twilight. "First, the Princess tells me to get a life, then I get hit on by a fucking lesbian cowpony, then a cyan pegasus who hates being shipped pushes me into a pile of cow shit, then Rarity tries to play dress up with me, then Fluttershy looks at me, then the cyan pegasus accuses me of being Otaku, and now here I am on the edge of a cliff. Oh, and a methhead that's borderline obsessed with the princess. Can anything else go wrong?
Suddenly, the edge of the cliff broke off and fell down several thousand feet, leaving Twilight and the girls floating comedicly in mid-air. Twilight looked down, then looked at the others.
"I suppose this is my fault," says Twilight.
"Indeed it is. Remind me to slap you across the face if we survive,
replied Applejack.
Gravity abruptly took hold of the ponies, who fell down, and landed on the angled side of the mountain, which acted as a slippery slope for all of them.
Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy freed themselves of the handcuff and floated in mid-air, flapping their wings.
"Should we help them?" asked Fluttershy.
"Nope," replied Rainbow Dash, who got an angry glare from Fluttershy.
"What?" asked Rainbow Dash. "Twilight shipped me. Why should help her?" Rainbow Dash got another angry glare from Fluttershy.
"Oh fine."
They both flew to save the ponies from certain doom. Rainbow Dash caught hold of Rarity, and then Fluttershy caught hold of Pinkie Pie.
"No! My meth pipe!" yelled Pinkie Pie, who saw her precious pipe fall several thousand feet. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"
However, as Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were busy saving Rarity nad Pinkie Pie, Applejack suddenly got busy trying to hold onto Twilight, who was hanging on for dear life from the edge of the slope.
"Don't just stare at me with your lust-filled eyes, Applejack, pull me up!" Twilight yelled.
"Only if you promise to love me," replied Applejack.
"Eff that," Twilight said as she let go. She fell, screaming, but was suddenly caught by Pinkie Pie, who Rainbow Dash shot like a notched arrow from a bow. They both fell deep into the forest, and then they all regrouped from where they fell.
"Wow." said Fluttershy. "That. Was-"
"Really freaking gay?" asked Rainbow Dash.
"No," said Fluttershy. "That was honestly quite exhilarating. We should do that again. Twilight? Care to cause any more cliffsides to break off?"
Twilight gave Fluttershy the middle finger and then continued walking into the forest.
"Well..." said Twilight after a while of walking into the forest. "That was probably as worse as it could get. It can't possibly get any worse than that, can it?"
Suddenly, a pissed-off manticore appears in front of them!
"Why do this always happen to me?" said Twilight as she buried her tear-streaked face in her hooves.
The manticore stood before them, roaring at the top of it's lungs, and looking extremely threatening.
Rainbow Dash charges it head-on, attempting to roundhouse buck it in the face, but is easily slapped away.
"That's what you get for acting demicky, Dashy." said Pinkie Pie happily, who bounces towards the manticore with a bag of meth in her hoof.
"Here!" said Pinkie, who offers the meth to the manticore. "Smoke this! You'll feel reeeaaalllly good afterwards" The manticore smacks the bag away and roars at Pinkie.
"You....you don't want my meth? But....but....nobody can resist the pull of meth....nobody...." Pinkie Pie then turned around and ran away crying.
"I suppose it's my turn," said Rarity. She walks up to my manticore and coughs lightly. "Excuse me, Mr. Manticore, may I play dress-up with you for a few hours? I promise you it'll be fun." The manticore, in response, bitch-slaps Rarity several feet away.
"Don't worry, girls!" said Applejack, who walks towards the manticore. "Manticores are said to really love lesbians. If I go up to him and give him a hug, he's sure to calm dow-" Applejack was interrupted when she, herself, gets bitch-slapped away. "-Or not."
Applejack sprang to her hooves and began shoving Twilight towards the manticore.
"Applejack, what are you-" Twilight began.
"Come on, Twi," replies Applejack. "You're magical and all that. Use magic to calm it down or something."
"Are you kidding me?!" yelled Twilight. "I can't possibly-" She was interrupted when she got bitch-slapped as well.
"Well, I suppose it's my turn now," said Fluttershy, who walked slowly towards the manticore. The manticore made a move as if he was going to bitch-slap Fluttershy, but he suddenly stopped when he saw the glint in her eye.
"I say, young manticore," said Fluttershy. "What ails you so? As a pony with class, I am more than capable of helping you, instead of my colleagues just trying to take you down with their.....'intelligent'......ideas....."
The manticore frowned, looked at Fluttershy, look at his paw, then looked back. He raised his paw at Fluttershy, who saw that it had a thorn in it. Fluttershy gave the manticore a reassuring smile, then pulled it out. The manticore screamed loudly, then made as if he was about to slap Fluttershy....then picked her up and began licking her......mane. Her mane. Licking her mane.
"Giggity," said Rainbow Dash.
Twilight shrugged and walked past the manticore, trekking deeper in the forest, with the girls following behind her.
In the middle of their travels, they stumbled across a bizarre-looking tree.
"What the-?" escaped Twilight's lip, before she saw the hideous, horrifying face on the tree. More and more trees grew these terrifying faces around them. She began hyperventilating, before she heard the familiar click of a lighter.
"Oh, don't be silly, girls!" said Pinkie Pie happily as she took a puff of her meth pipe. "Don't you girls know that scary trees like these will stop staring at us like these if we just give them some meth?"
"What?!" said Fluttershy. "Ms. Pie, that is the dumbest idea I have ever-"
Suddenly, all the faces disappeared from the trees as soon as Pinkie Pie dropped a bag of meth in the middle of them.
"See?" said Pinkie Pie, who trotted along the path in the forest. "I told you so."
"I...." Fluttershy was dumbfounded. She shrugged it off and followed the rest of the girls into the forest.
An hour later of trudging deeper into the forest....
They stumbled upon a giant, purple sea serpent, who was bawling hard and crying so much, it seemed as if the river in which he resided was comprised of his tears.
"Oh, such a horrible catastrophe!" he exclaimed. "It's the worst thing ever!"
"What's wrong young lad?" asked Fluttershy.
"My moustache! My beautiful moustache! I accidentally lit it on fire! And then I dunked it in this river, and then, in order to try to even them out, I set the other half of my moustache on fire, but then I dunked it too late, so I kept trying to set them on fire to even them both out, but now, I look like a freak! Oh, boo hoo hoo hoo! Waaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!"
"Wha- I- How- YOU SET YOUR MOUSTACHE ON FIRE ON PURPOSE?!" Twilight yelled.
"Well, yes, but-"
"Oh, calm down, Twilight," Rarity butted in. She then turned to the sea serpent. "And don't you worry. I'll fix you."
"Oh, you will?" the sea serpent asked in happy disbelief. "Oh, thank you, thank yo-"
Two hours of playing dress-up later.....
"Fuck this!" exclaimed the sea serpent. "Get out of my face!" he then dunked into the river and swam away as fast as he could.
Rarity was confused. "What did I do wrong?" she asked as she packed up her massive pile of dresses and put them away.
Each pony only shook their heads as they walked past Rarity.
"What?" asked Rarity sheepishly. "What?"
They then continued on their way to the Ancient Castle of Gen 1-3 MLP.
They stumbled upon a rope bridge, which led across a chasm. Or at least it would have, had it not been detached from the other side. They could see the Castle on the other side of the chasm.
Twilight couldn't take it anymore. She was about to explode. She placed his lower lip against her upper teeth, then started fuming. Then, her eyes bulged out, and she was suddenly acting demicky!
"fffffffffffffffFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"
"Twilight, I got wings, remember?" said Rainbow Dash, who snapped Twilight out of her fury.
"Oh," muttered Twilight, who blushed. "Sorry."
"You're cute when you blush," commented Applejack.
"FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"
Rainbow Dash flew down into the chasm, grabbed the rope bridge, flew back up, flew to the other side of the chasm, and started tying one rope to a stake in the ground. Without warning, Rainbow Dash felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned around a saw wonderbolt-looking ponies, except they weren't wonderbolts. They were darker, and they seemed to radiate a darker aura.
"Hello, Dainbow Rash-"
"Rainbow Dash," Dash corrected them.
"Sorry. Rainbow Dash. We are the Bonerbolts. We're hailed as some of the best fliers in all of Equestria. We'd like you to join us."
Rainbow Dash couldn't contain her laughter. She burst into hard guffaws, laughing her ass off.
"Bonerbolts?!" BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHA, yeah right, as if I'd join ponies called the Bonerbolts! Ahahahahaha, screw you guys, I'm fixing the bridge."
"Then you leave us no choice," said one of the Bonerbolts. "I ship you with Twilight Sparkle."
Rainbow Dash's eyes suddenly turned bloodshot, her eyes bulged out harder then they ever would if she acted demicky, and then her mane grew stiff, pointed upwards, and turned blond! She radiated a golden aura, and her power level grew tenfold!
"You dare ship me?!" Rainbow Dash asked through gritted teeth. "You dare ship me?!" She turned around slowly to look into the fear filled eyes of the Bonerbolts. "YOU DARE SHIP ME?! I PUNISH YOU. I PUNISH YOU LIKE GOD WHO PUNISHES SINFUL FOLLOWERS. I PUNISH YOU NOW. YOU PERISH!"
Rainbow Dash let out a roar, and her aura exploded all around her, blowing away many of the trees, obliterating the Bonerbolts, and also somehow fixing the broken bridge. Somehow.
After unleashing her rage, she stood there, her aura disappating, and her blond stiff mane softening again and turning back to it's usual rainbow.
"Phew," she said, wiping away sweat from her brow.
"Rainbow!" exclaimed Applejack, who walked across the bridge, followed closely by the others. "What was that?"
"What was what?" asked Rainbow Dash.
"Don't feign stupidity, young lady, tell us what we just saw!" demanded Fluttershy.
"No, seriously, what?" asked Rainbow Dash, who was genuinely confused.
"Whatever, girls, the castle is right there," Twilight said. She pointed in the general direction of the Ancient Castle. "Let's go!"
They all trotted their way to the Ancient Castle.
Outside the gates of the Ancient Castle, they stood there, doubt and fear filling their minds.
"Alright, girls," said Twilight. "We've made it through thick and thin so far. I think I have bonded with all of you. I just want to let you know that if anything happens, like if something hard hits us in the face-
"Giggity."
"-and ends up killing us or knocking us out, or if something sharp and hard goes inside us-"
"Giggity"
"-Like a sword or a horn, or we end up on top of each other-
"Giggity"
"-with our dead bodies stacked together, I just want to let you all know that it's been nice anyways."
Twilight saw all the ponies stifling laughter, their cheeks red from the effort. Twilight frowned in confusion. She then shrugged it off, turned around, opened the gates to the Castle, and stepped in.
Standing in the middle of the room was Night Mare Moon herself.
"Hello, ponies," Night Mare Moon says threateningly. "Do you like bananas?"
"No, Night Mare Moon!" yelled Rainbow Dash courageously. "We don't want any of your stupid bananas!"
Twilight noticed some strange, white stone objects scattered around in front of Night Mare Moon.
"The Elements of Fanfiction!" Twilight exclaims.
"But there are only Five!" said Pinkie Pie.
"Don't worry. The book says that if I come up with a god-awful fanfic and implant it within the first five, the last one will show up! Distract Night Mare Moon while I do that!"
"Ok!" said all the ponies at the same time, except Twilight, who began coming up with a bad fanfic.
"Hnnnnnnnnnnnggggg!!!!" Twilight grunts.
"HHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She groans from the effort.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" Twilight openly screams.
"Argh, Twilight!" said Applejack, who's recovering from being thrown across the room by Night Mare Moon. "Just charge the damn things!"
"Hang on a sec!" replies Twilight. "I'm trying to think of the worse fanfic I possibly can, but there are just too many good on-"
Suddenly, Twilight got a spark of inspiration.
"FLY'S ADVENTURE IN EQUESTRIA! THAT'S THE WORST FANFIC I'VE READ SO FAR! I will charge the orbs with that!"
Twilight began concentrating even harder now. Concentrating hard on the worst fanfic she's ever read. Her horn glows brilliantly. The magic flows from her horn, and into the orbs.
"Yes!" Twilight exclaims as she watches the orbs float into the air.....and suddenly fall back down and shatter.
"What?!" she yells in confusion. "But Fly's Adventure in Equestria is so god-awful! Why didn't it work?!"
Night Mare Moon laughs as she effortlessly blows the ponies away. They all smack into the wall behind them.
"You can't beat me, Twiley." said Night Mare Moon maliciously. "I am real super sand!"
Twilight struggled to get up, pain racking her entire body, pain from the impact of the wall, and pain from concentrating so hard on the Elements. she turns her head to her companions.
"I'm sorry, girls...." She mutters beneath her breath. Then, without warning, she got a sudden spark of inspiration.
"Night Mare Moon!" Twilight yells at the top of her lungs. She struggles to stand up, but eventually, she's on her feet. "Those pitiful stones aren't the Elements of Fanfiction! WE are!"
A strong, brilliant light envelopes Twilight and all her friends.
"Each of us represents our own part of the Elements of Fanfiction!" The light grows even stronger around them. The shattered pieces of the Elements float in mid-air, as if ready to spring into action.
"Applejack, who said she would only help me if I loved her, by the way, thanks for that, represents the Element of...HOMOSEXUALITY!" Several shattered pieces float around Applejack.
"Fluttershy, who tamed the manticore with her knowledge represents the Element of....CLASS!" Pieces float around her as well.
"Pinkie Pie, who got rid of the scary faces from the trees with her Meth represents the Element of....DRUGS!" Pieces then float around her.
"Rarity, who pissed off a sea serpent enough by playing dress-up with him for 2 hours straight represents the Element of....PLAYING-DRESS-UP!"
"Rainbow Dash, who turned super saiyan when the Bonerbolts shipped her with me, represents the Element of...SHIPPING!"
"FUCK MY LIFE." said Rainbow Dash.
"But you still don't have the Sixth and final Element!" yelled Night Mare Moon. "So you're screwed!"
"No," replied Twilight. "We're not screwed, because I know what the final Element is. It's in me. I am the final Element. The Element of....SOCIAL ANXIETY!"
Suddenly, all the shattered pieces of Elements of Fanfiction turned into necklaces with gems shaped like their cutie marks, with Twilight getting a tiara.
"You lose, Night Mare Moon!" Twilight said loudly. A large, brilliant, powerful burst of light appeared....and then suddenly disappated.
"Bitch, please, I'm Night Mare Moon." said Night Mare Moon plainly.
"Uh-oh." said Twilight. "Well, that didn't work. Time for plan B. Rainbow Dash, I ship you with Applejack.
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"
Rainbow Dash turned Super Saiyan, flew into the air, then rammed into Night Mare Moon in an explosion of rainbows and colours.
When the explosion of rainbows and colours died down, all that was left was a normal-sized alicorn with a blu-ish coat and a mane that was a lighter blue.
Suddenly, Princess Celestia appeared before them.
"Well, Luna, what do you have to say for yourself?" Princess Celestia asked.
"I...I don't like bananas....."
And then they all lived happily ever after. Not really.
END OF EPISODE 2
