Hey Jude...

by IHateFanficUnlessItPays

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Derpy Hooves, Crossover, DJ P0N-3, Human, Main 6, Lyra, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy
Length: 10245

The long running story of a war hero (Jude) found in Equestria and the stories of how he reacts to it while slowly losing his sanity and being tortured by us... the author and the narrator.

This is the story of war hero from the Earth (Jude) realm gets zapped to Equestria in the middle of a war he was fighting. He now is at the whim of a very mad author and narrator as well as the reality that he now must exist here being a non-Brony... or knowledgable of this places existence at all. Watch as he makes friends! Enemies! Weapons! Weapons that fail! A new home! A new life! A life that he regrets!

And if you wish! Click the links in the stories to interact as well and hear the music that inspired the scene.
But be aware that some of this will be gory, sex related, and contain vulgar language. But it will be entertaining and not the extremes of any of those things. Now read! READ YOU FOOL!

Published 2013-08-12 03:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-26 23:17:26 UTC

Welcome To Hell! Chapter 2

Equestria Is Nice This Time Of Dimension

“WHAT THE FU FU FU FU FU FU FU BUCK!” Jude said shooting out the Fu-s like a machine gun.

Jude was starting to panic and the Pegasus was just staring back at him trying to make out his shape considering he was standing in the dark under the thick trees.

“THAT’S A PEGUSUS!?”

OH NOOOOO! He can still hear the writing! Rainbow Dash became startled as he shouted this at her, or she thought he did at least.

“Hey you! Why don’t you step out of the shade and let me see you?” she said interrogatingly, pointing her hoof right at him.

“Fine. I want to see what you really are anyway.”

The man started to take heavy steps out of the shade showing his incredible build. And with a look of malice on his face nonetheless, Rainbow Dash actually felt a little intimidated. However that didn’t last long when the man went -

“AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

“AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

“WHAT ARE YOU!?”

“I WAS GOING TO ASK YOU THAT!”

“IMA HUMAN! WHAT THE BUCK ARE YOOOOOOU!”

“I’M A PONY! WHAT DO YOU MEAN A HUMAN!?”

They went at that for a little bit until Jude decided that he was crazy and decided to end his life. MWUHAHAHAHAH.

“NO! I will not commit suicide! What the hell is your problem!?”

“What I never said that to you, are you some kind of crazy pony!?”

“I am not a pony!”

Jude was starting to grow angry that the voice in his head (us) was baiting him into saying dumb things, until he through up his hand in the air and went,

“Tell you what mythical pony and anonymous voice from nowhere, I will do something violent, but it’s going to prove I am dreaming and I am going to do it to you!” he said point suddenly to Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow Dash took a fighting stance not wanting to back down only to be a little shocked when the man sincerely apologized for what he was about to do.

“Though I truly am sorry I need to destroy you, I mean I am a peace keeper and all, and normally wouldn’t think of doing this to anyone I met and helped me but it won’t actually hurt you because you don’t exist.”

Confused, Rainbow suggested, “Well can’t you just let me go or do it to yourself? That would be better to prove whether or not you’re dreaming, really… hurting me wouldn’t really solve much.”

“Sorry can’t hear you over the sound of me about to kill you, so sorry, sorry, truly sorry… sucks I have to kill a mythical creature, they’re supposed to be cool” Jude kept mumbling as he searched for his weapon. Rainbow Dash did feel a tad bit flattered when he mention her and cool in the same sentence… despite his threats.

“Wait… WHERE THE HELL IS MY WEAPON!” Jude shouted…

Remember when I said you lost your armor in the dimension jump? That implied you also lost your saber and sidearm and anything else attached to it as well.

Jude now panicked just looked at Rainbow Dash, and as if a lightning bolt just went through his head, he just accepted that he was not dreaming. (Oh yeah… he just did because you willed it, otherwise this would’ve taken too long).

“What’s that other voice in my head now?” (Me, the narrator).

Rainbow turned her head to the side quizzically, seeing the creature talk to himself.

“Haha… you are crazy. Funny but crazy” Rainbow said relaxing her stance a bit.

They both just stood there in semi-fighting stances, as the stand-down grew more and more awkward as Jude lost the will to fight. He finally broke the silence when he said,

“Hey, I don’t know why but… fine I accept that I am here now… but what is ‘here’?”

Rainbow Dash’s eyes widened as it hit her as well, and she realized that he truly wasn’t from Equestria and that he could be that adventurous friend she was thinking about. So instead of answering his question, she flew right into his face and started berating him with her own.

“Oh my gosh! You really aren’t from here? Where do you come from? Are you some kind of warrior? Do you race where you’re from? Are you an athlete? Do you humans who fly there as well? Omygosh omygosh omygosh omygosh!”

“Jesus! Calm down. I’ll get to that! And you used the word Humans wrong by the way. I’m the stranger, tell me where I am first.”

“Ok Ok, first off this is…” Rainbow Dash stopped as she saw the timberwolves they had recently beat bringing themselves back together. “This is someplace we really need to get leaving now…”

“What?” Jude said with this exacerbated look on his face, as a timberwolf was forming itself back together right behind him.

“There’s what behind me!?”

*ROAR!*

“WHOA!” Jude stumbled right next to Rainbow Dash as they found themselves surrounded by the pack of timberwolves, revived and angry.

“Ok this isn’t good, they seem really ticked at us” Rainbow said.

Jude all of a sudden had an idea, and reached into his pouch pocket on his pants. He then pulled out… A PLASMA GRENADE!? HOW- BUT- WHY! Who let that get through the dimension jump! (You’re the author; I just work here.)

“Ok so looks like we are in luck, listen pony…”

“Rainbow Dash.”

“Rainbow Dash… this is a grenade and it makes a giant explosion that will destroy anything in its radius so lets be sure to not be here when… *tssss*”

The grenade was heavily damaged in the dimension jump and began to degrade and quickly become volatile. That’s why I didn’t want any of your weapons to come with you!

“Oh this isn’t good! Rainbow this thing is going to blow up anyway so we better…”

Jude threw the sparking and burning grenade on the ground violently.

“… BOOK IT!”

Rainbow took off fast in one direction leaving her rainbow trail wake while Jude did a massive force jump in the other direction. The timberwolves pounced a second late at them and landed on the plasma grenade. The grenade then shorted and exploded in a vicious blue electric fireball. The explosion managed to breach the canopy of the forest and could be seen from above.

Rainbow Dash turned around immediately at the thundering sound and saw the explosion dissipating. She flew over quickly realizing that the man she met had gone the other way and was nowhere to be seen. She hovered above the forest shouting for him. But he was not in any condition to answer.

Jude, who was in a state that weakened him if he tried to use his force powers, nearly blacked out from jumping like that. If he hadn’t though, he would’ve been disintegrated with the timberwolves. When he came to, he was near the edge of the forest, a lucky direction he had picked to jump in.

“Ugh… I need help… you… please help me.”

I can’t help you; you’re not even supposed to be able to hear me. I am just saying what you are doing. You are in an alternate dimension and that’s all I am going to say.

“Wait! You can’t just leave me here, I’ll still hear you!”

Not for much longer once I’m done with this fix in the fourth wall. But I’ll give you this… (Jude started walking to the edge of the tree line and saw out of the forest to a town in the distance) This is Equestria. Land of magic; home of the ponies. That is Ponyville in the distance. Where you will find your destiny.

“I… I can’t believe something like this is real!” Jude said gripping his head in pain, but his expression was one of wonder and astonishment.

You’re one to talk coming from a crossover universe yourself, Mr. Jedi.

“Hey, no one thought that those two universes would REALLY become reality until they just did so shut up! This is a little different!”

I leave that up to you to think what you want, but for now you will no longer hear me, and you will not remember having heard me. That is the way it must be. It happens… NOW!

“But… Oww. My head. So… that’s Ponyville, I think. Better keep a really low profile, I don’t think these ponies think humans exist, I find their existence far less surprising than they find mine. OW!” His eye twitched uncontrollably, “Maybe I should find a doctor and steal some painkillers.”

Jude began to trudge on, limping to the town still rubbing his head.

Meanwhile… In Ponyville

“Hey sweetie, you really can’t go on another bender like that” somepony said.

“It’s not like I was doing anything that hurt anypony” another pony responded

“Hey, I am not trying to put you down, but almost everypony thinks humans don’t exist, most don’t even know WHAT they are.”

“I know but I thought I found new evidence that they really did live here on the earth before we did and I couldn’t put the book down!”

Bon Bon and Lyra Heartstrings were both walked slowly down the street past shops and homes. Lyra had recently found more books and had spent the last two nights straight researching evidence that humans might have once lived in Equestria, spurring her belief that humans still do exist further.

“Listen, I know you love this stuff and I don’t want to stop you doing either, but you really can’t just keep going for over 50 hours straight” Bon Bon said nudging Lyra jokingly.

“I know you worry about me but you know how I get.”

“Yeah, listen, why don’t you enjoy OUR reality and come with me to my appointment at the spa; you could use it just as much as me”

“No thanks Bon, I think I am just going to go home, relax and play myself something.”

“No tearing open books of ancient legends that talks about the existence of mythical creatures right?”

“Haha no I promise, I’m over that stuff… for now.”

“Ok Lyra, I’m going to the spa, I’ll see you at home in a couple hours then!”

Bon Bon quickened her pace and trotted away. Lyra turned around yawned and then headed back down the street.

I really think I am getting close to proving they exist, or close enough to merit it to myself trying some magic. I wonder… if they do truly exist, if I could create a spell to bring a human to me. If I could meet one that would just be the best thing EVER, Lyra thought to herself.

Jude had started to make his way stealthily into the town. He wanted to wait until dark, but since he didn’t know his way around he had to brave it in the day. He got behind one of the shops and snuck along its wall. He peered down the alleyway between two shops and saw a slow going teal pony.

“What’s that on her ass? Never mind, she seems to be the only one on this side of town so it shouldn’t be too hard getting by her” Jude quietly said to himself.

“This town is built for pony’s that are 5 feet tall at most it seems”, he said grabbing onto a water drain by the building, “I could probably climb up these buildings with eaAAASSSE OOOOOOOHHHHH!”

Halfway up the climb the metal tube came loose and he started to fly forward out of the alley. He came crashing down and yelled because he hurt his bruised head again, but he came crashing down right on Lyra’s back.

“OOF! Oh my gosh, what the hay happened? My back… are… are you alrigh-“ She cut herself off when she looked to who landed on her when she saw lying over her were two legs clothed in pants! She caught a quick glimpse of hands as well before Jude took them both up to his face in pain.

Lyra was no longer in pain or tired, she immediately got out from under the man that just landed on her and turned around. She saw a human. A HUMAN! For the love of God this must be karma or something, she was JUST talking about humans and what do you know! A HUMAN!

“Oh. My. Celestia. AAAAA- human” Lyra said so excitedly that ‘human’ came out as a barley audible high-pitched squeak. Her normal eccentric self returning to her persona. Insomnia be damned!

“Ouch… hey I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to… oh crap I’m out in the open… uhh” Jude fumbling with what to say when he saw Lyra with a look of pure joy on her face.

“A UNICORN!”

“Yes, I’m a unicorn, but you are a human, oh my gosh I have waited for this day my entire life!”

“Oh… listen I can’t really stay so I’m- SMOKEBOMB!” *BOOM!*

Jude punched the ground as hard as he could with a little bit of the force put behind it and knocked a ton of dirt and dust into the air. He proceeded to run in the opposite direction of Lyra towards the town center. Lyra shouted, “WAIT!” and tried to chase him but tripped on her first step. Her mind was awake now but her body still wasn’t.

She then heard Rainbow Dash behind her in the distance yelling at other ponies.

“Have you seen a giant two legged human wandering around here? Have you seen a large human recently? Oh come on! Hasn’t anybody seen a creature that doesn’t belong at all!?”

Rainbow Dash came up to Lyra who flagged her down.

“Hey did you happen to see a creature that calls itself a hu-“

“Human.”

“YES! I was flying over the Everfree forest when I saw him fighting timberwolves and it turned out he’s a human from another land! Wait you said human, SO YOU SAW HIM where is he!?

“Actually I knew about humans before, but yes I did actually see him, he fell down on top of me and-“

“WHERE IS HE!?”

“He ran off towards the center of town! Go get him, I couldn’t chase him good enough!”

“Whatever! I’m off! THAAAaaaanks…” Rainbow flew off to catch him.

“OK I need to get going to, as soon as I get some paper and quills to write with…” Lyra said running to her house, almost tripping every few steps.

Jude was running fast and then nearly tripped over his own two feet. He had used his powers again and was losing more consciousness. Enough for him to smash into a mailbox and break it off. A mailpony was near by and saw it and got a little angry considering she had just delivered the mail to there. She flew up and landed in front of him.

“Hey, that wasn’t nice, that mailbox never did anything to you!”

“You don’t care that I’m a human?”

“You’re a what now?”

Jude looked right at her and saw that she had crossed eyes, he concluded that he suffered a concussion and was seeing wrong, and got up and started to run haphazardly more through the town.

“What a strange thing…”

A pony came out of the home, saw the mailbox and yelled at the mailpony.

“Derpy! What did you do to my mailbox!?”

“It wasn’t me, it was the human.”

“… OK. Well… just don’t let it happen again? Bye.”

Derpy flew off, only to get a few feet before Rainbow Dash came crashing by. Rainbow stopped for a split second to ask Derpy if she had seen the human, but before she could Derpy went-

“The human is over there.”

“Uh… GREAT Thanks Derpy!” Rainbow flew off again making time on the Jedi.

Jude was coming to the end of his usefulness, as he was just about to collapse. He went and found a comfortable fenced off giant tree to hang out under and slowly die. He started thinking to himself if he had handled himself rationally if he could already be talking to these ponies’ leader, instead of panicking and hurting himself more.

He was sitting there a little blinded by the sun; he looked around the tree and found a pair of goggles hanging on a fence. They looked like skiers goggles but they block the sun so great. He adjusted the strap, put them on, and sat back under the tree.

“Hey” an annoyed voice said.

“Oh God, what now…”

He looked up, still dizzy as hell, and saw white pony standing sternly over him, her hair was dyed a little but her eyes… they were piercing his soul. Averting his eyes without her seeing, thanks to the goggles he was sure he now stole, he spoke to her.

“So, why can’t you people just leave me alone? I am suffering from head injuries and just want to die in peace” he said, sounding high pitched and whiny.

“That’s all good for you, but you’re doing it with my shades.”

“So I am. I apologize. But I don’t think that you’re in any position to argue with a creature almost twice your size that has had a very bad day. Unless you skewer me with your horn, unicorn. Calling you unicorn like that isn’t derogatory right? I’d hate for my last note to be racist… specieist… buck it.”

“You don’t know who you’re messing with. Just give them back.”

The pony’s horn all of a sudden started to glow and then Jude felt his head coming forward against his will. Then he realized that the goggles were also glowing and were tugging him.

“What the hell! Unicorns can do magic!? I thought it was just the horn thing!”

“You thought wrong alien!”

Jude snatched them off his head but instead of giving them back he fought back.

“Well… TWO CAN PLAY THAT GAME!” then Jude threw her through the air with a large force push. But he kept her in the air though, not going as far as to hurt her. But that last show of power was too much as it hurt his head immediately and he started screaming.

“AHHH! Why! Why am I not even able to do this! I’ve trained for yeeeeaaaaaaars! This is second nature to me! Why can’t I- Oh hello… who are you?” Jude said as a purple unicorn with wings came running out of the tree.

“What? Wings? So which are you? I’m… feeling lost…”

But without another word she used her magic and levitated Jude and shot him forcibly up against the side of the tree. He let out a yell and screamed he was sorry. Then the alicorn was astonished to see that what she just attacked was some ‘mythical creature’ and dropped him in shock.

“What the… NOOOO! *Bam*” Jude screamed.

Jude fell sideways and hit his head on a branch, knocking him clean out.

Ponyville General Hospital, 112% fewer fatalities than any given human drama show hospital

Jude woke up in the hospital, his bed being elongated and two wide. Turns out they did have modern enough technology to deal with his injuries. Though he swore the neck brace he was wearing was meant for a longer necked being… like say a pony. He ripped it off, annoyed at its feeling.

When he did that, the security guard let some ponies outside know that ‘the human just woke up.’ And in shuffled the mane six, and 3 others. Jude only recognized a few, and he wouldn’t know what the mane six would mean for a bit.

“Uh… hi” Jude said cautiously.

“Hello there, we were talking about what to do with you while you were asleep, just so you know” the purple one said.

“And the verdict?”

“You are unbelievably cool in the way you used your magic to like fight and can walk on just TWO legs!” Rainbow Dash said racing to his side.

“And not to mention that I have wanted to meet a human forever!” Lyra said running to his other side.

“RAINBOW! And you too Lyra. We decided that since your another magic user that we should watch you carefully, but since you are from another dimension, we will allow you to move about so we can study you, anything to add to sway us?” the purple one said again.

“I promise I won’t try to kill you all on a daily basis or try to bring my people here… that’s about as much as I can or will promise” Jude said dryly.

“We’ll take it!” shouted Rainbow Dash, getting annoyed looks from the purple one.

“But I haven’t the slightest idea who you all are” Jude said staring at what felt like hundreds of eyes.

“Well I’m Twilight Sparkle.”

“Ah’m Apple Jack hon.”

“I am Raaaarity” she said shaking her hair.

“HI! I’m Pinkie Pie!” She seemed like she was holding back screaming and jumping.

“That’s Fluttershy to save the you asking her for her name over and over” Rainbow said.

“Th- thanks Rainbow” Fluttershy said barely audible and from behind a chair.

“I’m Lyra Heartstrings, I truly hope we can be friends, we can write later.”

“I’m Derpy, Derpy Hooves.”

“I, of course, am the one and only Rainbow Dash! But you already knew that when I saved your butt in the forest” she said wiping off one of her hooves like she was bragging. Which she was.

“That’s great… except I did because I blew up the forest so ha” Jude responded.

“…Vinyl Scratch-”

Jude looked right at the pony that said that, everyone seemed to move aside.

“Hey Vinyl… sorry that I took your shades and then did a move that I usually do to hurt people. I hope I didn’t and I’ll TRY to make it up to you. Try…”

“Well… OK let me revise my intro. I’m Equestria’s most popular DJ with the sickest beats and dirtiest wubs! VINYL SCRATCH!”

“A DJ huh, I think we’ll get along just fine… by the way everyone, my name is Gerald Russman, but everyone calls me Jude.

“Well now everyPONY can call you Jude too!” Pinkie Pie shouted.

“Alright! Now that we are all introduced, we can start you off on your new life here!” Twilight yelled with glee.

“Say what…”

“This is the beginning of a beautiful relationship” Twilight said again as they all smiled.

“No it isn’t! Don’t say that! Don’t ever say that!” Jude said in defiant response. His time here having just officially begun.

To Be Continued

Author's Note

This I put a little more work into, and I hope I can keep chapters consistently this long, but I am so used to script writing where textual content does not necessarily correlate to length of the content. In this it does a just a little bit more.

I could 500 word story with 100 things that happen, but that's one lame story.

I am not doing this for likes or a lot of views, just merely doing this. I am calm today, as you can see compared to ANYTHING ELSE I've written on this account (Which is supposed to be shared but apparently I'm the only one who uses it!). I have no dislike of writing these today, not a brony but still enjoying this. Maybe this is the start of- oh nope there it goes- WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! WHYYYYYYY!OIHDLzhfuhaugilwrhe 98g4y48 olk

FreshMAN Orientation. Chapter 3

Authors Note: This was a hard chapter to write because it’s ‘world’ set up, but it still has some good content in it (by my low standards). Also, it was so bloody long I split into two, which will be up by the end of the week I hope. DONE!

After The Hospital...

My god… I want to write these like a script! I mean I think this would be better as a series rather than a story but (dude your on right now, get with it!) I know! JUST LET ME HAVE THIS FOR A SECOND! I THINK VISUALLY! IT DOESN’T TRANSLATE WELL FOR ME! You read the others for good writing, you read me for a bizarre style and a cheap laugh. OK I’m good. Story must be told. To whoever hasn’t already mentally checked out or plotted my downfall and doom!

It had been a few days since Jude was admitted to the hospital with some very concerned staff. Jude knew that despite there were several ponies he had met that accepted his existence; the rest of the world would likely not do it so well. Some might even consider him to be a threat or a freak, which honestly isn’t too far from the truth; knowing his own personality in these situations.

Rarity had fixed up his clothes, and tried to make aesthetic changes to them, which Jude pointed out were dumb because he wasn’t a pony and needed something comfortable to be in. He did stash the diamonds though.

However when she was messing with his clothes there was a period of time while he had to be naked. This was awkward at first until he realized being nude was an everyday thing for these ponies and that they really wouldn’t realize why being nude as a human was provocative. So he stood proud, until a cold breeze brushed by. He cowered in the corner under a towel until the clothes were finished after that. Of course said diamonds would cheer him up later.

Anyways… he was allowed to stay in the barn at Applejack’s ranch until further notice, and he couldn’t go anywhere without being accompanied by the original 9 ponies that he ran into on day one. Jude accepted this, because… why not? He was alone in another dimension… like he is going to complain.

Sweet Apple Acres

Jude woke up early one morning to the sound of Applejack trying to get some equipment out of the barn, which he was sleeping in.

“Ugh… injured man here! Trying to sleep!” Jude said throwing his arms up from where he was lying.

“Aw heck, ya’ll coulda gotten up hours ago with how early ya went to sleep” AJ snapped back as she tried to move a large hoe.

“Hey… while yer up… err… can ya help me move this ‘ere thing?” AJ said a little embarrassed she couldn’t move it since it was stuck in the ground.

With a super loud and sudden push, the hoe flew out of barn and landed right next to Big Mac in the field, in the distance Applejack could see him freeze and have a mini heart attack. When she looked back at Jude, he just groaned, grabbed his head, and remained still. Though it hurt him to use the force, a little pain was worth it to be lazy and not get up.

He hadn’t had much relaxation for years, as long as he was stuck there, he would take some R and R. And besides, he was also drained emotionally after the first day he arrived. But all these thoughts that crept through his head were cut short.

“Ya’ll know Ah woulda chewed you out if that had landed anywhere else, but since it landed exactly where Ah needed it, thanks!”

“Was that sarcastic?”

“No, this is sarcastic” AJ said sarcastically….

“Don’t patronize me” Jude said without looking up, hell bent on sleeping more.

“Why ya’ll being such a jerk today?”

“I’m sorry, I get this way sometimes in alternate universes” Jude said very sarcastically, “But seriously, like 45 minutes more of sleep and I’ll be a totally different person. See you then.”

“Fine” AJ said sharply as she turned and headed out the doors; nose stuck up in the air much like Rarity when she’s insulted.

Exactly 45 minutes and 37 seconds later (it takes 2 seconds to get up and 35 to walk to where Applejack was)…

“Good morning.”

“Looch whoos finarry up-ch” AJ said trying to tie some barrels of apples to a cart with her mouth.

“Ha… I can help with that, hands were kind of designed for that” he said as he took the rope and did AMAZINGLY dull things with his hands.

“Yer helpful, Ah like this you” AJ said happily.

Jude started securing the cart and began to talk some more.

“Yeah, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that… erg, there done” he whipped the miniscule amount of sweat off his brow.

Jude continued, “Why do you guys like me? I mean, ‘oh look a person from another dimension who is also an alleged war criminal, let’s just give him house arrest and let him roam around like he ISN’T on house arrest’” he said mimicking sarcastically.

“Well Twi thinks that yer a good specimen to study an’ all. Not to mention Lyra also wants to know alla’ bout humans, not much point to keeping ya’ll locked up an’ doing it interrogation style.”

“OK… but why here then? Why not at Twilight's if I am so bucking spec- I still can’t swear… so special.”

“Oh they never told you?”

Jude stared at her blankly, “Told me what?”

“There was actually fighting goin’ on to who would take ya in before Ah said my barns big an’ empty.”

Jude started to get confused, and it showed on his face.

“Uh… was it the good kind of fight or the bad kind of fight?”

“Come again?” AJ said, turning her head to the side in a similar confusion now.

“I mean like were they fighting so I DIDN’T live with them or so the I COULD live with them?”

“OH!” AJ said shaking her head and grinning, “Rainbow Dash started it when she said ya’ll could bunk with her at her place, but seeing as ya probably can’t fly, ya’d fall right through the clouds and die.”

“She lives on a cloud?” Jude said plainly.

“Yeah, a lot of pegasi do, considering they can actually walk on ‘em, their main job being weather control an’ all.”

“I… what? I’ll ask later, but what happened next?” he said shaking his head.

“Well, Lyra said she an’ Bon Bon had space” AJ said. Jude raised one of his eyebrows and just stared blankly at her, arms crossed, “OK that’s puttin’ it nicely, she basically begged to have ya there.”

“And…” Jude said making a twirling hand motion that meant ‘continue’ to humans.

“And then Vinyl said she had space since her an’ her roommate combined their workspace recently an’ have an extra room, theeeen Lyra jumped back in arguin’ who knows what about human physio-somethin’, theeeeeeeeeen Pinkie Pie did her thing an’ said to go with her before immediately saying ‘wait, nevermind’ an’ THEEEEN…”

Applejack saw Jude standing there with the stupidest looking grin and asked,

“Uh… are ya’ll alright hon?”

Jude stood there staring off into vacant space, shaking a little, lightly biting his lower lip, with the stupid grin only getting bigger, and before Applejack knew it… *WOOOSH!* He force jumped and flew straight up into the air almost 50 feet.

“I’m popular bitches!” Jude yelled hovering in the air a bit before he gave a very light jerk and came down.

He came crashing down loudly, landed on his two feet and wore an expression of anger and seriousness. Staring at Applejack he said blankly and somewhat angrily,

“I still hate all of you though…”

“Ya sure that not the headache talking?” AJ said irritated, pointing out his force usage.

“It’s only half the headache talking!” Jude said keeping his angry look.

“Ah know your putting on a face sugarcube, lets get back to work!” AJ said matter-of-factly.

“You’re no fun” Jude said as he tied off the last of the barrels.

Applejack ignored his last remark and went off into the house. She came back with a note from Twilight. Applejack opened up the note and gave it to Jude saying they were specific instructions for him to follow. Jude took it and before anything else he blurted out,

“You guys still use this calligraphy? WHAT KIND OF LAND IS THIS ANYWAY?!”

Applejack looked confused considering no one actually called their style of handwriting by name unless they were some schoolteacher. And Jude sounded so foreign when he said it. He ranted on.

“I mean, you use candles, but I know you have electricity in the hospital; you have technology for DJs to exist, but not enough for phones, computers, or so many other technologies; you are so odd in where your technologies are overall! I mean-” Jude finally stopped and looked at the paper for a second.

“Orientation?” he said less irritated.

“Well now Ah bet ya feel pretty stupid” AJ chuckled. “We were gonna teach ya about Equestria, then ask you about whats-it-called afterwards.”

Jude quickly read the rest of the note, which was a strain on his eyes considering humans haven’t needed or wanted to use old calligraphy for over 700 years.

“So let me get this straight? I am going to go to everypony I met the first day here and get the rundown about what they do… and I’m supposed to just pick up on ‘how to be’ from that!?” he said getting irrationally angry again.

“Listen, lets jus’ start with me. Ya’ll ‘ready know that Ah’m a farmer an’ Ah buck apples for a livin’. Freshest apples, sweetest ciders, hottest pies an’ fritters; why… we’re locally famous ‘round ‘ere for our delectables.”

Jude looked at her like she had just patronized him.

“Seriously… that’s all there is to know about Equestria? That you buck apples? That is the entirety of reality in this universe?” Jude said being facetious.

Applejack put a hoof to her chin thinking deeply.

“Ya know, Ah never really had ta explain the land to anypony before…”

“There! Lets start there. Ponies. Are they the main species on this planet?”

“Uhm… no actually, while MOST of the fellas around are ponies, we got zebras, which are a close relative, donkeys, mules, griffons, dragons, and those changelings; an’ that’s jus’ the ones that can talk like us. They all have their own nations too.”

Jude stood there in utter shock. “S-so your not the only intelligent species on this planet… I’m getting confused.” Jude started to rub his temples as he tried to gather his thoughts.

“Maybe we should start our journey with Twilight? She could prob’bly give ya a rundown of Equestria… if ya can bear to stay awake through it” AJ suggested.

“OK then… so off we go to find out more on why I really don’t want to be here!” Jude said changing his attitude and pointing excitedly towards the sky.

Twilight’s Library

After a short walk Applejack and Jude arrived at Twilight’s, which felt more tiring for Jude since he didn’t have four legs to split the effort of walking between. Bipedal only gets you so far in life Jude…

“Who said that?” Jude quietly yelled while looking into the sky.

“Who said what?" AJ asked Jude, thinking it was his next stage in draining sanity.

Jude collected himself, not hearing ANYTHING ANYMORE, “Nothing… I said nothing, you’re crazy you know that?” he said with a fake laugh.

Applejack said nothing more and then went up to the library tree Twilight resided in. After only a few knocks, the door swung open violently, and then a magenta glow enveloped the pony and the human and they were tugged inside before the door slammed shut.

Twilight ran around in circles, occasionally flapping her alicorn wings. She was in a full panic mode.

Applejack got up fast and broke the tension, “Twi! Twilight! What’s wrong? Ya look like ya’ll got a buncha country ticks attacking yer flank!”

“Yes! Wait… no to the ticks, but YES something is wrong!” Twilight stopped running around and pointed her hoof accusingly at Applejack. “What’s wrong with you AJ! I mean only 11 ponies even know about this human’s existence! The princesses don’t even know about him! And you were just waltzing around town like he was your chum!” she said in her annoyed tone.

Applejack turned her head again (to the other side this time!) in confusion.

“Lemme get this straight… you DIDN’T TELL PRINCESS CELESTIA!?”

Twilight’s face turned from irritated to guilty in half a second.

“Uh… no?” she said meekly, trying to laugh it off afterward.

Jude now getting confused decided to speak up, “So… who is the real leader around here then?”

Twilight became tapping her hoof on the ground nervously.

“Well me actually, FOR HERE. B-but there are also other princesses around Equestria and I answer to two that are actually goddesses. And well… if I’m being honest I saw this as an opportunity not just for science but for leadership” she said still a little hesitant.

“I mean, it’s not everyday a interstellar-“

“-Dimensional…” Jude interjected quickly.

“-being just shows up without warning, with whole new worlds to speak of” she finished with her tone sounding more… giddy.

“So you’re hiding me so you can have a big debut for your own benefit?”

His words stung Twilight; naturally Jude showed no remorse, the longer he didn’t find out what this world was meant the longer he couldn’t try to find a way to leave it. And dammit he wanted off this planet, he had a war to fight, MEN WERE DYING!

“DAMN RIGHT!”

The ponies looked at him because he had just followed up his own comment with a response without sounding like he meant it for that.

“Why are you all looking at me funny?” he asked confused. (Its funny cause we wipe his last memory every time he hears us hahaha!) Shush, Twilight’s gonna rant.

“You see this is why others shouldn’t know about him yet! The mannerisms from his culture seem a bit odd to us, and that’s just on top of the fact he is like twice our height and can walk on only two legs! He would cause a town panic, thinking he was another world end scenario!” Twilight yelled trying to change the subject from her more personal motivations.

“Say what…” Jude said coming back to reality… their reality.

The two ponies just looked at him.

“Not to mention he ‘imself says he’s a war criminal” AJ said adding to Twilight’s point.

“THANK YOU! SOMEONE FINALLY POINTS OUT THE ABSURDITY OF THIS AND WHY NO ONE OTHER THAN ME IS FREAKING OUT!” he said collapsing onto his knees.

“No wait… not a war CRIMINAL. War hero, I was joking when I said that. Don’t get those confused please” he added now getting up.

“Well it’s not like you’re a bad man I guess… I mean just don’t do bad things anymore like in war!” Twilight said so naively.

Jude stood there wondering if he should let them know if he has killed people before or just let them think he was a war hero for other reasons. He aired on the side of caution and changed the subject because they were starting to look at him like he was actually mental.

“OK you know what… let me explain some things. I am human; hear me roar… OK now onto other things!” he sat down ready to explain his whole persona.

After everyone had gotten situated, Jude began to speak.

“First off, our mannerisms are not like me blurting out weird things, that’s what eccentrics do. They are actually quite similar to yours I’m sure. And my personality, despite what you (or the reader) will think is very complex and deep… I just don’t… handle situations I can’t control very well. I mean ambushes in war I could handle easier than this. It might be something in the air here but I feel like I AM going to go crazy at some point unless I can find something to latch onto.

“Also, where I am from, humans are the masters of the universe, but don’t ever let the Elites know that. We have many cultures within our species, many languages, traditions, technologies, and religions. And before you ask, these are not extra legs” he said motioning to his own arms.

“These are arms, humans have no need for extra legs, so these evolved to be the most useful appendages in existence behind perhaps the brain and telekinesis.”

Twilight at some point floated a scroll and quill over to her and was taking extensive notes… which would likely get stolen by Lyra should she ever find out about this talk.

“Interesting, I am sure there is so much more about your culture, but Lyra would be more interested in that, tell me about your biology!” Twilight said with awe.

“Oh god… uh… lets just say there are main differences between males and females in our species like yours, only ours are more noticeable" immediately changing the subject he continued, "And as for ‘tribes’ and magic, which I’ve heard so much about since landing here, we don’t have those. We have races sure but biologically we are still exactly the same, nothing like wings vs. horns. Oh and magic… I know you guys keep calling what I do that but we don’t do that.”

Twilight put down her notes with a perplexed look on her face as she pouted her lip.

“So what are you then? Can all of you do that in that case? Is it gravitational manipulation!? Or- or-…” she was about to go over the thousands of possibilities in her mind before Jude stopped her.

“NO! No. I am what’s called a Jedi. Well I am a specific kind of Jedi after living for so long, but I don’t want to go into the teachings of my kind; oh and the Jedi are very very few in number. I WILL say that I am a leader where I am from. You live on this planet only right… well I control a small but powerful empire of over 30 planets. The UNSC controls multiple hundreds of planets; the New Republic thousands!”

The two ponies looked a little confused as to what the other two nations were, but didn’t want to slow Jude down.

“I am the only successful… ‘dictatorship’ I guess you could call it… in all time. Because I put the people first. And PEOPLE is what you call us other than Human. Or person for singular”

“Fascinating!” Twilight said, now writing up a storm. Then it hit her, she just heard him say he controls MULTIPLE planets as their leader, and she was treating him like an experiment.

“Oh my Celestia! I am so sorry! You’re a dignitary to here! I didn’t mean to be so rude or threatening to you!” She threw down her notes and attempted a bow.

“Say what…” Jude was caught off guard because while he was a leader and by all rights should have met their true leader, he never saw himself that way unless he knew he needed to… mostly for intimidation purposes.

“Slow down there pony, I might be a leader… but I am not a very political one, unless it suits me. I fight with my army most of the time. I should have opened with that. While I am the supreme ruler, councils and governors make the local decisions because I fight to keep them safe in the meantime. I do make empire wide decisions, and laws, but I’m a war fighter. I do it best and I do it so evil doesn’t get ahold of my people.”

“Really? Is war somethin’ you always do?…” Applejack said with a hint of sadness in her voice.

“No. We try to avoid it at all costs. But I won’t lie when I say because there are more humans than ponies I am guessing, we have a lot more bad eggs. But you know… it’s all part of the Human condition.” Jude said to Applejack starting to let his real self back for a short time.

“What’s the human condition?” Twilight asked more interested than ever.

“That… is something that would drive me insane haha. It’s all encompassing of the human experience and as confusing as String theory… or almost as confusing” Jude said with a laugh at the end.

“OK… so now we know why you acted so crazy. The whole condition you have. I mean, you can’t get much more uncontrollable than being in a different dimension while your war goes on without you with no apparent way back” Twilight added not realizing she just said everything that would set Jude off as plainly as the sky is blue and your stuck forever.

“Oh… yes… that. I said that earlier huh…” Jude said twitching a little while still looking at Applejack.

“Gosh dangit Twi, ya mighta broke him again!” AJ exclaimed seeing Jude twitch more.

“EEP! Sorry…” Twilight said from her hoof-covered mouth. “Well… how about we let you know about OUR land now. Would that make you feel calm again?”

“Yes… that actually would be a great help” Jude said, his voice calm; his face not.

Twilight immediately jumped up over and over yelling, “YAY!”, and continued to jump around as she collected a blackboard, several books, charts, and for some reason a dunce cap. Pinkie Pie would’ve been proud at this feat. Jude however was thought that one of two things could happen, She’s either the absolute nerdiest girl in existence or she is planning an elaborate torture that I trapped myself into.

It was the first obviously… but unfortunately for Jude it would FEEL like the second. And being the writer and narrator, we don’t have to suffer through it! Twilight gathered the rest of stuff and with a giant light purple flash, everything was all of a sudden set up like tutor session, complete with a notebook in Jude’s hand (which Twilight got right) and a pencil in his mouth (that’s more Jude’s fault for not explaining).

“*Phhhpt* What the hell is all this!?” Jude said as he caught the pencil he spat out, making very absurd movements with it in his hand to show THIS IS WHERE IT BELONGS! NOT MY MOUTH!

“This is compressed Equestrian History, Culture, and Society 101! I’ll go over everything that’s essential for you to have a basic understanding of what goes on here!” Twilight now in her studious tone, still happy of course.

“Will you go over the more extreme stuff like legends and magic that could send me back?”

“I don’t know which would help but I think this is step one to that!”

“OK fine…” Jude accepted that this would not be a one-stop shop; he expected he would have to stay a bit anyway, might as well go along with it.

Applejack got up and stretched trying to be nonchalant, “OK. Well since his lesson’s gonna begin, Ah’ma gonna skedaddle and leave ya to it.”

“Oh no, it’s OK if you stay Applejack” Twilight dryly said, not looking away from the board she was writing on.

Now here is Applejack’s predicament. She was the element of honesty, which is a nice way of saying: bad liar! So her options are, tell the truth “Ah really don’t wanna sit through a Twilight brand lecture” and face the inevitable crying; make up a lie to fail at it “Ya see Ah, Ah have to water- the sheep… cut the paint… BYE!”; or sit down and bear with it and maybe (MAYBE! But still not likely) set a good example for Jude.

“Oh… OK… if Ah’m not intruding then” AJ made her choice.

“Oh you’re not” Twilight said oblivious to AJ’s inner turmoil.

“Let’s begin! First Equestria was founded by Celestia, our Sun Goddess and…”

3 ½ hours later.

Twilight had covered everything from basic rulers, to pony jobs, to the differences and powers of each of the tribes (and many stuff in between).

“Oh God… I need you… my brain is at capacity and wants to make room by deleting my soul. I’m sure of it!” Jude said eyes wide open, bloodshot, and baggy while starring off into empty space.

“Oh come on this was NEED to KNOW stuff!” Twilight said like he was just being a foal.

“Ah- Ah think in yer infinite base of knowledge in here… yer definition of ‘compressed’ is wrong” Applejack said rubbing her temples.

“Oh come now! Well at the very least, do you understand how to behave here Jude?” Twilight asked, hoping for a thoughtful answer.

“ER… would you be mad at me if I said I’m fighting back the auto-repression function of my brain and that me not trying to hurt anybody- pony would simply be a good place to start?” Jude said trying to be serious, but the headache making it hard.

Twilight frowned and her eyes went half-moon as her face screamed ‘irritated disappointment’.

“Well OK then!” she perked up after saying that, realizing they still had to go to the others for his orientation to continue, “OH! We still have the others to visit, this should be good!”

“OK, I’m ready… I’ve pushed back the demons unleashed inside me and am ready to continue” Jude said with his eyes less bloodshot.

“Great! We just can’t let anypony see you at all!” Twilight answered smiling.

“Oh great… what are we gonna do now?”

TO BE CONTINUED… SOON!

Author's Note

UPPERCASE text means a high voice like yelling, screaming, or raising for emphasis in speech
Italicized text means there was special emphasis put on the word, whether it'd be sarcastic or important in speech
Bold text means the word was said in a deeper voice, whether it'd be serious, malicious, or irritated/angry in speech

And italicized out of speech usually means inner thoughts. Don't know why I said it, just thought it useful to say.

OK, this was going to be a long long chapter like the forewarning authors note said, but damn it all this was hard. My brony friend needs to realize that a short description doesn't mean the content won't take up SPACE. I hope I get the part 2 up by Friday, but since this is just a passtime (and practice) and no one is waiting, I don't have a set update schedule.

I also seem to be over my fits of insanity so that's good too.

Welcome To Equestria! Chapter 1

This is the really long first chapter so bear with me readers.

Interior: Earth Realm: Milky way Galaxy: Theta Sector: 1st Fleet: Flagship: Observation deck: (GET ON WITH IT!)

The captain of the ship was standing at his personal command station on the observation deck. His name is Gerald Russman, or as he calls himself, Greg. He is the commander of a special peace keeping army and empire that acts as a bridge between two galaxies. One being where humans in the era of the UNSC live, and the other where he New Republic calls home.

Yes there are Star Wars and Halo crossovers in this, so lets leave it at that.

The captain, Greg, begins to speak with his commander who is up their with him.

“Hey, English, I think Jude is a good name for me. Considering nobody, not even me like my name Gerald.”

“I think that’s a splendid idea sir! I actually really like that name!”

WHAT! DID HE JUST… ugh. Ok so he wants to do it the hard way huh? Fine your name is Jude… But just wait for (oh can we get on with the story please?) Fine.

English was an Elite (or Sanghelli to be proper), and alien species from Sanghelios. While they used to fight humans years ago in a galactic conflict, they were now welcomed in Jude’s military and English was often considered second in command of the whole army.

“Sir, the rest of the fleet has just pinged in as ready to move forward with the attack.”

English, got his name from his human friends, as he spoke with a very noticeable British accent and usually had a cheery disposition when not fighting on the battlefield. Though no one thinks he has ever actually set foot in England in his life, so the accent is a complete mystery to them.

“Alright, I’m powering up our slip space drives to fire out and create the portal. I want all ships to hyperspace INTO the portal, it’ll send us tearing through space so we can beat the enemy to Risendal.” Jude said commandingly.

Jude on the other hand was not necessarily human either. He was a Jedi that escaped the onslaught when the evil Empire came to power under the Emperor and Darth Vader many years ago. He and a few others have since lived in exile, though they built a grand city on Earth and eventually formed an empire to bridge the gap between these two galaxies; it came at a great cost.

Jude considers himself a neutral Jedi, a very rare thing he said he created himself. A Jedi does increase some of his force power through emotion though this is a surefire way to become corrupted. He offsets this by becoming a fighter in the name of the Jedi code and peace while shouldering the burden of killing and war fighting, thus becoming a incredibly powerful force, a neutral Jedi, the will required is inhumanly high. Though seeing as the Jedi order has not truly been set up in the Milky Way galaxy, he mostly just sees himself as just a leader who happens to have great powers and applies the Jedi code more as morals than a set of rules.

NOW, that that’s out of the way! Jude’s warpath to stop an evil invasion is about to take the absolutely wildest detour ever. You readers should be proud that I haven’t broken the Fourth Wall down yet!

Exterior: Equestrian Realm: Equestira: Pon- (SERIOUSLY GET ON WITH IT!)

In Equestria, several familiar ponies were milling about at a picnic. Rainbow Dash seemed incredibly bored lying on her back, wings lazily extended. Recognizing this Twilight spoke up.

“Hey Dash, what’s wrong? You seem extra bored today.”

“Oh it’s nothing, except… can’t we ever do something fun and adventurous anymore?”

“Well waddaya have in mind Dash?” Applejack said chiming in.

“Like something like the good ‘ol days when we took on dragons, timberwolves, and an army of changelings!” Rainbow said immediately flipping over taking off and hovering in the air above them. She then proceeded to do mid air boxing moves to drive the point home.

“Ok Ok we get it Rainbow” Twilight said nearly chuckling. “But we have a got a lot of stuff to do now that we are the permanent guardians of the Elements of Harmony and I’m a princess.”

“I get that but seriously we can’t find ANYTHING to do other than relax?!”

“Darling I thought you were loving the relaxation after all these other incidents, I mean you couldn’t have enjoyed being tired out an nearly turned into a stew by Fluttershy’s animals last month, my word do you know what that steam does to your coat”, Rarity said, causing everyone to give her a comical look and AJ to playfully roll her eyes.

“Yeah well a month to you is like a year to me! For the love of Celestia I want to do something fun! I mean I sometimes fanaticize about meeting exotic and possibly dangerous ponies, or even if they somehow came here to meet us!”

Right on queue Jude went “I feel a disturbance… in the force” in almost Shatner-ian.

“What’s wrong sir?!”

“Something feels like something is going to go horribly wrong… and I do not think I am going to like it.”

“I know how you get in a bind you are not prepared for, but we are prepared for this, and besides even in unforeseen combat you handle yourself fine… it’s something else isn’t it…”

“Yes, but the likely hood of this unknown event happening is inconceivably low” Jude said attempting to reassure himself that he was NOT about to be flown away to an alternate dimension that would drain the sanity of a hardened war hero.

“OK open up this slip space portal” Jude said with no hint of fear or nerve in his voice, but boy would he be wrong.

Suddenly a giant bluish white portal opened in front of the entire fleet and they shot into it at blazing speeds. There was a huge bright flash of light as there always is when a ship enters slip space and the fleet was in the stream. But when English looked over to his right where Jude was, he saw… NOTHING! What a shocker.

‘Heeeeey Juuude…’ Meet Equestria!

“Holy… FUUUUU-!” Jude said because the light from the slip space was oddly hot too.

You are in my world now (our world) SHUT UP NARRATOR! YOUR JOB IS MEANINGLESS!

Jude woke up in front of a tree, leaning against another tree, only to look around and see more trees, and bushes too. He got up incredibly dazed wondering where he was feeling like he was thrown out of one his dropships. He got up scratching the side of his head, he looked around, seeing as he was in the middle of the forest he couldn’t see and realize that he was in another reality and that there was a town full of ponies not two miles away. But he wasn’t in the clear either. He woke up in the Everfree forest.

“What the hell…” he started wandering around the forest and saw some odd moving branches. “Ok… I hit my head… and I have to be having lucid unconscious dreams.”

But then the branches came together in what is commonly called a ‘timberwolf’

“What the hell is a timberwolf?!”

Oh you can hear me can you? Well that’s a giant wolf that’s made of wood, it’s a bitch to fight, and they keep bringing themselves back to life by well magic. Jude, realizing that he was in grave danger, went into a defensive stance he realized that the armor he was wearing was destroyed and his regular clothes were the only things left and were charred at that.

“What, jeez your right… how did I miss… the head thing right.”

The wolf lunged right at him and he sidestepped it and used a massive kick right to its head and destroyed it. Without skipping a beat he turned around and gripped the next one in the chest, picked it up and slammed the giant beast onto the ground smashing it too. He was exhausted so he was about to rely on his force powers only to realize that it was causing him to black out.

“Uhhh… why… why is the force doing that to me… are you doing this to me you evil voice from my head…”

I am just telling it how it is (no that’s my job, and you do have some definite control over his life) No. I can’t do that. Not at all.

“YOU WILL BE THE VOICE I THINK OF FROM NOW ON WHEN I THINK OF UNADULTERATED RAGE!”

The next wolf lunged forward only to be smashed by something bright and colorful.

“What the hell was that…”

Rainbow Dash all of sudden appeared before him with the last two timberwolves behind her and, in true fashion, she struck a ‘cool’ pose. She looked over at the other two reared her back hooves and smashed their faces in as they were about to attack. Jude, astonished that he was saved by something weird pony got up to show his full size and looked right at here. But she just did the same and waved her mane about.

So instead of facing reality he just reacted with total denial…

“Hmm… WHAT THE FU FU FU FU FU FU FU BUCK IS THAT!? AND WHY CAN’T I SAY BUCK!? SHIT!”

Ha you here are here in a new realm and I control your fate!

TO BE CONTINUED VERY SOON!

Author's Note

NEXT TIME:

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"AHHHHHHHHHH!"

"WHAT ARE YOU!?"

"I WAS GONNA ASK YOU THAT!"

Jude meets the mane six and suffers his first loss of sanity!

I wrote this in a single day and have no re drafted it... but I think it is ok. The others will be drafted. Or not, depends... My brony friend needs to help out so I don't lose my sanity writing this stuff mwuhahahahafkhairusdbkgjbrid lfhzjHKHJFELKGSUHWEKJFHh Ok i'm better. Thanks to Craig Sanner for lending me his unpublished Original Character AND for letting me rename him, despite he himself is also not a brony.