The Adventures of Professor Twilight Sparkle and Agent Rainbow Dash: A Quest to Stop Hitler, Super Bacteria, and Retarded Bees Named Randall

by TheRussianBrony

Rating: mature
Tags: Crossover, Twilight Sparkle, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Rainbow Dash, Other, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 2492

The FBI calls upon Twilight Sparkle for help in confronting a threat of biological warfare on a global scale.

The CIA and head of the FBI (Rainbow Dash) are working on assessing the threat of a deadly super bacteria attack. The fate of the world depends on the CIA agents (Derpy Hooves and Levi Connard) retrieving a sample of the antibiotic, and Twilight Sparkle being able to analyze it and replicate it.

Published 2013-08-12 22:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-12 22:00:03 UTC

The Adventures of Professor Twilight Sparkle and Agent Rainbow Dash: A Quest to Stop Hitler, Super Bacteria, and Retarded Bees Named Randall

The Adventures of Professor Twilight Sparkle and Agent Rainbow Dash: A Quest to Stop Hitler, Super Bacteria, and Retarded Bees Named Randall

A Co-Written Epic Trollfic Epic by a Brony and his Pony-curious Brother in a New Hampshire Cabin in the Middle of Nowhere (Worldenterer & his brother, Revolutionclub [he's too cool for a FimFiction account])

Bitch

Epilogue Part 1:
Gunshot-wound survivor Rainbow Dash laid a small, open bag of peanuts at the grave of her former colleague and fillyfriend, Applejack. She tossed down some tacky looking daisies as well. "Dyke," she lightly jested.

Chapter 1:
It was a blustery evening in downtown Canterlot. Professor Twilight Sparkle just left her office. She was in a furious hurry because a threatening note had been posted on her private office window. The note looked very formal and had an FBI seal on it. It told her to go to the corner of Cromwell Street and Baxton Avenue. It also said that a black SUV would pick her up there at exactly 1700 hours. Finally, it stated that if she failed to comply, her actions would be met with severe punishment (a.k.a. tentacles).

The Canterlot College professor wasted no time in bringing the note to the FBI headquarters in Langley, Virginia. She got on the first plane she could, and didn't close her eyes once the entire way there. Twilight let out a sigh of relief as the plane touched down on confederate territory, but became uneasy when it rested on the tarmac for an extended period of time (longer than any flight she had been on before).

The professor began to panic as several men in suits and dark glasses entered the plane and walked towards her. They detained her and brought her to the FBI headquarters without answering any of her questions. After sitting alone in an interrogation room for several hours, the head of the FBI walked in and said, "Professor Twilight Sparkle, it has come to our attention that you are very skilled at finding ways to fight harmful forms of bacteria or other air and waterborne illnesses. Is that correct?"
"Yes, the best actually," said Sparkle.
"Good, because the United States of America is on the brink of biological warfare."

Sparkle's immediate reaction was the sinking feeling that comes with facing a big challenge as a leader. However, she also knew it was a chance for her to showcase the products of a Royal education and two years of teaching. "What exactly are we up against?" the professor inquired smoothly. The head of the FBI sat down across the table from Sparkle and drew a long sigh. "It has come to our attention that a group of separatists from Ukraine have kidnapped a Russian scientist and tortured him into creating a form of super bacteria. The bacteria has been designed to spread through air, water, contact with infected ponies, and rodent bites."
"Shit," said Sparkle, as she let out a long sigh. "The good news," the professor continued, "is that we are dealing with a bacteria instead of a virus, which means that there is an anti-biotic for sure. Viruses, on the other hand, are invincible." The stern-faced agents further briefed Twilight on the developing situation.

They trotted her further into the FBI's headquarters and continued the briefing.
"All we know about the bacteria is that it is designed to spread fast and kill fast. So far, the CIA has sent five agents into Ukraine to investigate. Two have been shot and killed, one was wounded and returned to the United States, but the other two are MIA. The last transmission we could get from them before losing communication was that the separatists were planning to insert the bacteria into the United states from two points. The first point is a seaport on the coast of Connecticut, and the second being an an international airport in Los Angeles." Twilight quickly exclaimed, "I need to be excused! Where is the restroom?" The agents stressed the urgency of the situation and that there were more important things at stake than her bladder. The truth was, the unicorn had already shit her pony-panties and was trying to figure out how to explain it to the agents.

After some awkward negotiations and ass-sniffing, the agents let Twilight go to the restroom and provided her with new clothing. After exiting that situation room, she was quickly brought to a larger one, where there were almost hundreds of television screens, computers, and ponies all working on gathering intelligence on the separatist group and the capabilities of the bacteria.

One of the computer technicians was named Applejack. Her distinguishing features are unimportant to the reader, because she will soon be killed. The only detail one should know is that she is hereditarily and deathly allergic to peanuts.

In an instant, all of the computer screens and television monitors changed to show satellite images of a factory in Ukraine. The FBI had located CIA agent and spy, Levi Connard. Agent Connard had just managed to send a message to the FBI that the original intel was off. The bacteria had been smuggled into Miami, and was going to be let out into the public in roughly five minutes. Several employees threw down their headsets and attempted to contact family members in Miami. They were promptly shot by the gang of black suits. Technician Applejack cried into her hooves at the tragic dilemma: witness her brother and sister's last days at the risk of being killed… or potentially save millions of lives without being shot in the face. She longed to see the faces of Big McIntosh and Apple Bloom.

While many technicians ran and flailed in the chaos, a brave few were contacting the FBI branch in Miami, telling them to broadcast a message for all ponies to stay indoors and search for the insertion point of the bacteria so that it could be contained as soon as possible. A balance of stability was reached as traitors were subdued at gunpoint and then imprisoned, while other employees continued to work. Professor Twilight Sparkle looked on in horror as her worst nightmare came to life. She had a hangnail and there were no nail clippers available. The national bacteria situation was pretty bad, too.

Meanwhile in Miami, FBI agent Conroy Gorlomi was covered in sweat as he ran down the street with a megaphone yelling for people to get indoors. While agent Gorlomi was in the middle of a sentence, he was cut off by a deafening explosion. Nearly 30 city blocks away, the top floor of an apartment exploded in a firey inferno. Minutes later, while agent Gorlomi was running away from the explosion site as fast as he could, his vision began to blur, and he began having uncontrollable muscle spasms. He collapsed to the ground, unable to breathe, and promptly moved on to the afterlife. He was greeted by the Spirit of Mother Nature. So, it looks like those Wicca bastards were right! Huh. Anyway, this incident was captured on audio and received by the headquarters in Langley.

"FUCK-A-DUCK!" yelled the head of the FBI when the news of the explosion reached her ears. She continued to yell loathing insults about Ukrainians as she discovered that the Jet stream was going to carry the bacteria up the entire Eastern seaboard. The summer weather was perfect for the bacteria to thrive and multiply. It was also perfect for a bit of summer lovin'. The head of the FBI, Rainbow Dash, was a homosexual and wanted nothing more than to spend her last moments alone with her lovely fillyfriend. "Dash! What are we going to do?" Twilight shouted, distracting the mare from her dirty daydreams.

"THIS!" shouted Rainbow Dash, as she tore off her shirt and ran to her fillyfriend Applejack (whose brother and sister were in Miami). In Rainbow's attempts to kiss and hug Applejack, she accidentally knocked an open bag of peanuts onto AJ's head. As the earth pony quickly began to die, an elderly FBI agent ran by the scene, yelling "GOD HATES FAGS!" and shot Applejack and Rainbow Dash. The death of these "fags" was a serious threat to national security because Rainbow was the head of the FBI and Applejack was in charge of a large branch of Miami security. Professor Twilight Sparkle watched as the Langley headquarters descended into further chaos when she made an executive decision… She stood up on Applejack's old desk and shouted, "I'm in charge now!"

About one day later in Ukraine:
Agent Levi Connard met up with the other CIA agent, Derpy Hooves, and found the portion of the factory where the Russian scientist had created the bacteria. As they entered the sector they were not met with opposition. They found the entire building to be empty. Walking into what appeared to be the lab where the bacteria was engineered, they noticed a map of the world with several hundred red pinpoint locations peppered across it. Another thing that caught their attention was a clearly labeled antibiotic. They injected themselves.

The shelf contained a limited number of containers. The surviving agents realized that the future of the United States was dependent on them safely bringing this antibiotic home. They attempted to radio "Rainbow Feck" in Langley to deliver the good news, everyone. Instead of hearing an operator on the other side of the radio, they heard nothing. They decided that they would need to hitch a ride on a cargo ship back to Amarerica. The trip took about 7 or 8 days, but the place they returned to was not what they remembered as being home.

Seven days earlier:
Our beloved professor stood tall in front of a room full of confederates, cowards, deserters, dedicated workers, heros, and the like. She drew Dash's gun from her unmoving body. "I'm the new head of the FBI. If our intel is correct, our infrastructure and government is in serious danger of collapse. I am a college professor of Biology, Chemistry, Mathematics, Magic, Reptile Studies, Mammal Studies, Indian Lore, Biking, Kayaking, Rock Climbing, Cosmetic Surgery, Music, Archeology, Sociology, Autocracy, Business, Chemistry, Sexology, Medicine, Architecture, Equine Studies, Law Enforcement, Women's Studies, Theology, Political Sciences, and Engineering. I have my triple doctorate in all of these subjects. I know how to run a fucking country."

Seven days later:
The delivery of the antibiotic could have been easy. It could have been done in 7 days, had agents Connard and Hooves succeeded. Instead, they had made it to (uninfected) Richmond, but were confronted by some Neo-Nazi Skinheads in an alleyway. Levi Connard was shot on site, and the Nazis proceeded to violently rape Agent Derpy, and then beat her to death with baseball bats. The antibiotic was lost.

Seven days earlier:
As Twilight stood proud on her dead colleague's desk, a message from the President came on the Langley screens. Obama, weary and haggard, read his words carefully. "It is with great sorrow that I say, our country is on its last leg. If we can't pull together immediately, I truly fear that our great nation will die. I suggest finding your loved ones. End transmission. Euhh, goodbye. Twelve." Twilight looked down, firmly closed her eyes… and then quickly reversed both actions.

Seven days later:
The remaining survivors of this epidemic had locked themselves in Langley HQ, and were still working on an antibiotic. However, a greater threat was lurking below this headquarters. Adolf Hitler was still alive and using a bio-mechanical suit to live. He had used the underground railroad to get from his base in Berlin to the Langley HQ basement.

Seven days earlier:
Twilight addressed the thin but resolved FBI crew. "I know many of you are young. You have yet to experience the nuances and great pleasures of life. A hundred bits says at least a few of you are too young to drink. Isn't that fucked up? The government has you doing their dirty work but you can't buy a few hard ciders when you're out with friends and family. Anyway, you're young… and I'm sorry you have to see this." She shot herself.

Seven days later:
The remaining FBI agents had come to re-realize that Hitler was going to be a big problem. They sent an ex-marine to do battle with him. Her name was Helen Back, and she had two machine guns and a grenade launcher. She walked into the room where Hitler was holed up. Hitler instantly shot at her, but only hit her leg, she dove behind cover.

Seven days earlier:
A young man, aged 20, sat in the corner cubicle. Professor Twilight Sparkle's pre-death speech inspired him to survive and experience life for himself. His name was Kelly Bobbins. This day was all too real for him….

Seven days later:
While behind cover, Helen Back was joined by two other Marines. Their names were Dewey Tard, and Biggy Phuck. They unloaded some clips at Hitler, but they had to reload eventually. Hitler saw this as an opportunity and took it. He ran forward at the three marines. His massive robotic foot came down on them, squishing the lower extremities of all three Marines. They died a long, screaming, blood-gargling death by bleeding out.

Between one and seven days earlier:
Kelly Bobbins was shivering and didn't know what was going on.

Between one and seven days later:
Hitler, victorious, began accessing the database of the Langley central computer system. However, his retarded biosuit didn't even have a USB port!

Instead, he just printed out ALL the data on paper.
Hitler shed a tear of joy. His dream of the 1000 Year Reich was to come true. The Aryan race would reign over the world once more!

Chapter 2:
He decided to masturbate a little bit and then have some Cheetos.

THE END

_________________________________________________________________________________________________
Epilogue Part 2:
Applejack's sister, Apple Bloom, visited her sister's grave for the third time this week. She noticed some new flowers. Smiling, she bent down to sample their aroma. The daises had a full, colorful scent. The young filly noticed her airways closing up and her body swelling. It turns out that a retarded bee named Randall had accidentally pollinated the flower with dust from the nearby bag of peanuts. Applebloom died like a bitch.

By Hitler

Actually by… Jospeh Gerbles.

Author's Note

This story was written by Worldenterer (Myself), and my brother. As you have probably already come to know, this story is a trollfic and has some controversial stuff in it. The story is purely for entertainment and in no way reflects my or my brother's views on world issues, certain countries, characters from the show, or certain groups of people. Thank you, and I hope you enjoyed the story.

-Hitler
-Jospeh Gerbles